So I was thinking… Ziva has a lot of trauma, and her life is pretty rough, but she is always so positive, she never lets anyone help her. I think that it is a reasonable thought that Ziva self-harms, it is a coping mechanism for some people.
This might upset some people, but I am making this pre-somalia… I know that the Somalia arc is one of the biggest for Ziva, and one of the most traumatic for her, and I've seen it, but when I was a little younger, I loved Ziva, but did have proper access to the later seasons, including 6 and 7. So this is pre-Somalia for anyone who hasn't seen that arc, but it won't affect the story too much.
I will try and make another chapter to this as soon as I can. Please review, leave comments, if you have any suggestions, critiques, or just anything to say about the story at all please say so, I appreciate all reviews!
Okay enough of my blabbing, lets get on with it.
Trigger warning - Self-Harm, mentions of suicide, possibly eating dissorders, and some other mental health concerns.
Disclaimer - I do not own NCIS or any of the characters
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Ziva unlocked her house, closed the door behind her, and ran into the bathroom, dropping her bag on the couch as she went. She locked the door to the bathroom, stripped, then jumped into the shower. She had suffered through a very rough, long day, someone had told her that she was fat, someone else said that she was a jerk, the case was rough, people died. Overall it was just too much for her. She fought really hard to stay calm and act as though comments like that didn't affect her, but at the end of the day, they did.
Ziva was very confident in her abilities, she could kill in a heartbeat, defend herself, get through tough situations, she could fight all day long and win. The only thing that she wasn't sure of, her personality, she had been trained from a young age as a heartless killer, she did have a heart, and she did get affected by hate and cases. Ziva thought that people figured her to be mean, uncaring, and overall a horrible person to be around. That hurt, she hated the thought that people didn't like her, that people thought she was a machine, someone without feelings.
She took a small knife from the shelf in her shower, turning the water on, she ran the blade across her thigh, drawing blood. She slashed a few more times, wincing in pain, but relaxing each time the dagger pierced her skin. The warm water eased the tension in her muscles, and Ziva pulled the blade across her arms, sometimes reopening old cuts, often creating new ones.
After a while, she turned off the water, cleaned up, and stepped out of the shower. After drying, she quickly wrapped her arms and legs in bandages, then dressed in a loose shirt and pants.
She knew it was risky, if anyone found out her secret, she would be in big trouble, but she would take this with her to the grave, no one would know.
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The next morning, Ziva woke up early, went for her run, washed up, rebandaged her scars, and readied herself for the day. Ziva pulled on black cargo pants, boots, and a light green sweater. Even though it was the middle of summer, she had to always wear long sleeves to hide her arms and legs. She was at work by 5:00, and started to look over cold case files, trying to get caught up on some extra paperwork before the other members of her team arrived.
After a little over an hour, the elevator doors clicked open and McGee stepped into the bullpen, heading for his desk.
"Morning Ziva"
"Shalom."
Ziva went back to work, figuring that she would get another hour or so before the rest of her team got in for work. She didn't usually think much about her self harm injuries when she was at work, but today her arm was aching pretty bad. Figuring that the cuts were deeper than normal, she stood up and went to the bathroom to ensure that she hadn't bled through the bandages.
Finding nothing out of order, she made her way back to her desk, only to see none other than Tony DiNozzo talking to someone on her phone.
"What are you doing Tony?"
"Oh, hey Zee-vaah! Your phone rang, so I answered it, turns out it was just this old guy trying to tell you that your roofing was probably expired and that he did roofing renovations at a great price."
"Tony I don't care that it was a spam caller-"
"Scam Ziva, spam is a gross meat thing."
"Whatever, scam caller, that doesn't mean you can answer my phone."
"But what if it was a secret boyfriend!?"
"That would be all the more reason for you NOT to answer it."
"Oooooo! Does my badass ninja have a secret boyfriend?"
"No."
"Awwh…"
Ziva walked over to her desk, "Now SHOO"
Hanging his head, Tony made his way back to his desk, then he sat down and put his feet up, "Hey Zi, why are you wearing long sleeves in the middle of summer?"
Ziva ignored him. She wasn't about to answer that question, but she should probably think about an excuse, it was pretty strange.
"Ziiii"
"It is a habit from Mossad, we weren't supposed to wear short sleeves to work." That was partly true, it was a habit from Mossad, but it was her personal preference, not a rule. Even before she started self-harming, she had preferred long sleeves over short.
"Grab your gear." The familiar call echoes throughout the bullpen, they had a case.
Jumping up, Ziva grabbed her bag and rushed towards the elevator, sliding in right before the doors closed.
"Where are we going boss?" Tony asked as the elevator doors opened, leading the way to the parking garage.
Ignoring Tony's question, Gibbs got into the car, Ziva called shotgun, and Tony and McGee piled into the back. Gibbs hit the gas and the car shot out into the streets, swerving and breaking about every traffic rule that you can think of.
They soon arrived at a park that was already taped off, the county police were milling about, and there were two witnesses waiting by one of the police cars.
"Tony photos and sketches, Ziva bag and tag, McGee witness statements." Gibbs barked out, kneeling next to the body, waiting for the ME to arrive.
After a few minutes, the ME van pulled up, Ducky jumped out, "I apologize for our tardiness Jethro, my assistant managed to get us lost, AGAIN."
Gibbs chuckled, "Just get to work, Duck"
Ducky walked over to the navy lieutenant laying on the grass, "No one has moved the body I presume?"
"No, the police actually followed protocol this time."
Ducky chuckled slightly, "That is as it should be. Alright, judging by the position of the body, he was shot here," He pointed to a splatter of blood on the ground, "then seemingly crawled over here," He walked back over to the body, "that means that this poor man was…" He motioned to the gunshot wound on the leg, "shot and then bled out. Death was slow."
"Ducky."
"Right, time of death." Pulling out the liver probe Ducky estimated, "I would say between 48 and 52 hours. As always I will know more when we get back to the lab. You know, I had this case a few years ago, a young navy officer was-"
"Ducky."
"Right."
Gibbs stood up to check in with McGee, "What've you got McGee"
"Rebecca and Stephan Robinson, they were driving by when-"
"GIBBS!" Tony screamed, "I think Ziva found something…or someone…"
"You think?" Gibbs walked over.
"Well I don't know, she sorta squeaked and ran off into the woods. I think she was chasing someone."
Gibbs ran into the woods, Tony and McGee right behind. The boss pulled up short, stopping right before Ziva who was laying on the ground.
Ziva was laying on her back, a knife in her stomach, two men were sprawled next to her, each with a bullet in their head.
"Ziva! Talk to me." Gibbs knelt down next to her.
"I'm FINE Gibbs, I was chasing one, pulled out my gun, and had a throwing knife in my stomach." Carefully, Ziva pulled herself to a sitting position, wincing slightly.
"Can you walk?"
"Yes, I am fine." Accepting Gibbs' hand, she managed to stand up.
Gibbs and Tony assisted Ziva as she made her way to the ME van, as soon as they were in sight of the body, Ducky rushed over.
"My dear Ziva! Whatever has happened to you?"
"Stabbed." Gibbs summarized.
Ducky helped Ziva to sit in the back of the truck, "Could we have some privacy?" Ducky motioned to the men surrounding Ziva. Nodding, Tony, McGee, Jimmy and Gibbs headed back to the body, leaving Ducky and Ziva alone.
"Now my dear, would you please remove your shirt?"
"Oh, um… I'd rather not."
"Don't worry, I am a doctor, I have seen all there is to see."
"It's not that."
"Ziva, you have been stabbed, I need you to remove your shirt."
"Please, no."
"Ziva"
"I-"
"Ziva."
By now Ziva was beginning to get light headed from blood loss, and her vision began to blur. "I-I- I don't feel so good-"
"Ziva! My dear, remove your shirt, we must stop the bleeding."
Slowly, with Ducky's help, she pulled off her shirt, revealing the mass of scars covering her stomach, and the bandages wrapping her arms.
"Oh my…" Focusing on the more pertinent issue, Ducky removed the knife, covering the wound with cloth, then he cleaned it and bandaged her stomach.
"Okay, thank you Ducky. Now please, it's…nothing."
"Ziva…I- we should tell Gibbs."
"NO! Absolutely not." Ziva pulled her shirt back on, jumped up and made her way over to the body, clutching her stomach slightly.
"Ziva, what are you doing?" Gibbs asked, incredulous, "Go home."
"No, I'm fine Gibbs, I can continue, it was a shallow wound."
"Go home. That's an order."
Ziva had to admit, she felt like shit. Taking a deep breath, she nodded, heading back towards the road. "I'll wait in the car."
Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, I know there wasn't very much drama in this chapter, but I promise there will be more drama and self-harm topics and all that stuff in the next chapter. As always, please review! I will try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can :)