The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am back to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. In today's chapter, Sean reviews the best sequel in the Star Trek franchise, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. This is the sequel that renewed the franchise and fans considered this one to be the best in the film series. But how well does the film hold up in 40 years? Well, let's not waste anytime, here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax, grab yourself a cold one to drink and enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is owned by Paramount Pictures.
Episode 147
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
(The episode opens with the Mayhem Critic intro before we cut to Sean)
After the intro to the show ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch in his living room while sipping his glass of orange juice mixed with Sprite before he addresses his audience.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Well, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home and Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country are my two favorite Star Trek movies, but this one is still my all-time favorite." Sean said as the poster for Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is shown right next to him.
(The title screen for "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" is shown followed by clips from the movie while the theme music composed by the late James Horner plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) I was around 4 or 5 years old at the time when I watched this movie with my mom on VHS and it was one of the coolest experiences of my life. This movie changed the way that I looked at movies aside from Star Wars. Hell, this was the first movie that I watched before Star Wars. Now, I know that there are good even-numbered Star Trek movies, but this is the one that fans considered this to be one of the best. The film was released 40 years ago and it's still an awesome flick. After the lukewarm reception of Star Trek: The Slow Motion Picture, Gene Roddenberry was removed from a direct role in the development in the sequel due to concerns of him being the main reason for the first film's reception. Yeah, you think I want to sit my ass down in a movie theater and get bored to death by the first film? Then, forget it. Harve Bennett, who was a new Paramount television producer, was made producer for the next Star Trek movie and he cas call in front of a group including the then-execs of Paramount Jeffrey Katzenberg and Michael Eisner and he was asked if he thought he could make a better film than Star Trek: The Motion Picture, which Bennett found the film really boring. What the first film lacked was a villain, a real villain, so while he watched episodes of Star Trek and watching the episode "Space Seed" which featured the character Khan Noonien Singh, he decided that Khan would be the perfect villain for the film. So, we got ourselves a script written by Bennett and Jack B. Sowards and what this film needs is a perfect director and the studio hired Nicholas Meyer to direct the sequel and he would go on to work on two more even-numbered Star Trek movies as well as directing it. With Robert Wise focusing on stunning visuals with the first film, Nicholas Meyer focused on the adventure. He even described his script as "Hornblower in outer space", utilizing nautical references and a swashbuckling atmosphere. And you know what, Nicholas Meyer is the go-to guy for Star Trek. There's so much epicness to talk about with this movie and you all know the old Klingon proverb that tells us "Revenge is a dish that is best served cold?" It is very cold in space. So let's jump right in.
"This is my all-time favorite Star Trek movie, Star Trek II." Sean said as the title "Star Trek II" is shown. "Fuck that shit, it's just Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. No other film is called "Star Trek II"."
(The poster for Star Trek Into Darkness is shown)
"Doesn't count. It's called Star Trek Into Darkness." Sean said.
(The opening credits are shown while the theme music plays and we see a credit that says "Music Composed by James Horner")
Sean: (Narrating) First off, let's talk about the music. As much as I love Jerry Goldsmith's music score in the first film, the great James Horner gave the music score an adventurous tone. In the 80s and 90s, Horner was at his peak and this one is one of his best works ever. (A poster for Star Trek: The Motion Picture is shown) With Goldsmith's theme, I always think of exploring strange new worlds. Horner's theme, I think of swashbuckling and adventure.
(The theme music plays during the opening credits)
Sean: (Narrating) It's big and bombastic and it gets you pumped for anything and that means Star Trek to me. I just love the fact that Gene Roddenberry gets an executive consultant credit because when I think of Star Trek, this is the guy who was responsible for creating the show.
(The words "IN THE 23RD CENTURY…" are shown on screen)
Sean: (Narrating) After the movie kindly let's us know that it's the 23rd century, we open on the bridge of the Enterprise, where we see a female Vulcan sitting in the command chair who's now in control of the ship named Lt. Saavik, played by Kirstie Alley in her first feature film debut.
Saavik (Played by Kirstie Alley): Project parabolic course to avoid entering Neutral Zone.
Sulu (Played by George Takei): Aye, Captain.
(Sulu makes a course to avoid entering the Neutral Zone)
Sulu: Course change projected.
Uhura (Played by Nichelle Nichols): Captain, I'm getting something on the distress channel.
Saavik: On speakers.
"Ok, I just love the fact that Kirstie Alley played a Vulcan in the movie. This was way before she played Rebecca Howe in Cheers. And she cracks me up every time I watch Cheers. But then I realized that she supports a certain big-mouthed ex-president, so screw her." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They get a distress call from the Kobayashi Maru after the ship got struck by a gravitic mine and lost all power and they're near Altair VI… which is inside the Neutral Zone and Saavik orders Sulu to plot a course to the Neutral Zone.
Sulu: May I remind the Captain that if a starship enters the Zone…
Saavik: I'm aware of my responsibilities, Mister. (Plots a course for the Neutral Zone) Estimating two minutes to intercept. Now entering the Neutral Zone.
Computer: Warning. We have entered Neutral Zone.
Spock (Played by Leonard Nimoy): We are now in violation of treaty, Captain.
"Captain, it's a bad idea to enter the Neutral Zone. We're gonna be dealing with Klingons." Sean said, imitating Spock.
(They see the three Klingon battle cruisers on the ship's viewscreen, which consists of reused footage from the first film)
Sean: (Narrating) They come across three Klingon battle cruisers a la reused footage from the first film and they prepare for battle, but the Klingon start shooting at them for entering the Neutral Zone.
(The Klingons open fire on the Enterprise. Once the ship gets hit, an explosion kills Sulu. The Klingons fire at them again and another explosion from a console kills Uhura)
Cadet (Played by Nicholas Guest): Shields collapsing, Captain.
"Well, bend over and I'll show you where to get the torpedo at." Sean said.
(A clip from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is shown)
Todd Chester (Played by Nicholas Guest): You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love the fact that the movie had the balls to "kill off" some of the characters in the beginning of the movie. By the way, I just want to point out that this is a training simulation. I get a good laugh at Spock's "death" in this scene and he ends up dying in a hilarious way.
Saavik: Fire all phasers.
Spock: No power to the weapons, Captain.
(Spock gets killed by an explosion from his seat)
"Jesus! What did he have to eat that made him have this violent Vulcan fart that killed him?" Sean asked while laughing.
(A farting sound is heard right when Spock "dies")
Sean: (V/O as Spock) I shouldn't have had that five-layer burrito from Taco Bell.
Sean: (Narrating) And like I said, it was a training simulation that AdmiralJames T. Kirk was overseeing this whole time and this simulation is a no-win scenario designed to test the character of Starfleet officers. Well, that's one way to train your Starfleet officers on how to handle dangerous situations like this. Yeah, send them out in the field where they'll get killed.
Kirk (Played by William Shatner): Well, Mr. Saavik, are you gonna stay with the sinking ship?
Saavik: Permission to speak candidly, sir?
Kirk: Granted.
Saavik: I don't believe this was a fair test of my command abilities.
Kirk: And why not?
Saavik: Because there was no way to win.
Kirk: A no-win situation is a possibility every commander may face. Has that never occurred to you?
Saavik: No, sir. It has not.
Kirk: Now how we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life, wouldn't you say?
Saavik: As I indicated, Admiral, that thought had not occurred to me.
Kirk: Well, now you have something new to think about. Carry on.
"Jeez, that's a dickish thing to say to someone who's new. Wow, what an asshole!" Sean said.
(The doors to the training simulation room open and Kirk sees Spock standing outside waiting for him)
Kirk: Aren't you dead?
Sean: (V/O as Spock) No, I'm still alive, dick.
Kirk: I assume you're loitering around here to learn what efficiency rating I plan to give your cadets?
Spock: I am understandably curious.
Kirk: They destroyed the Simulator Room and you with it.
Spock: The Kobayashi Maru scenario frequently wreaks havoc with students and equipment. As I recall, you took the test three times yourself. Your final solution was, shall we say, unique.
"Well, it's because I have my own special way of passing the Kobayashi Maru scenario." Sean said, imitating Kirk.
Sean: (Narrating) It turns out to be Kirk's birthday and later on Dr. McCoy visits him to get him in a good mood.
McCoy (Played by DeForest Kelley): Happy birthday, Jim.
Kirk: Thanks. (Looks at the bottle of Romulan ale) Romulan ale. Why, Bones, you know this is illegal.
McCoy: I only use it for medicinal purposes.
"I use it to drink while I'm busy operating on patients." Sean said, imitating McCoy. "Did I mention that this stuff is good?"
Sean: (Narrating) McCoy gives Kirk a pair of reading glasses and he notices that Kirk is acting a little strange on his birthday. Well, it's mostly because you're getting old, dude.
McCoy: This is not about age and you know it. It's about you flying a goddamn computer console when you want to be out there hopping galaxies.
Kirk: Spare me your notions of poetry, please. We all have our assigned duties.
McCoy: Bull! You're hiding, hiding behind rules and regulations.
Kirk: Who am I hiding from?
"You're hiding from Star Trek fanboys who want to ask you questions regarding Star Trek." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love that they're talking about growing old in this scene. This is one of the major themes in this movie: death, resurrection and growing old. At the time when they filmed this movie, William Shatner was only 50 years old at the time. When he did Star Trek: The Original Series, he was only 35 years old and when he did Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Shatner was only 37 when they filmed it. You could probably tell that he was getting too old for this shit and you know what, he still looks young in his fifties, if you want to ignore his expanding gut and his toupee.
Kirk: Don't mince words, Bones. What do you really think?
McCoy: Jim, I'm your doctor and I'm your friend. Get back your command. Get it back before you turn into part of this collection. Before you really do grow old.
"He's right, Kirk. You have five films left before you get too old for this shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to USS Reliant, were we see that Commander Chekov is aboard and the ship is on orbital approach Ceti Alpha VI in connection with Project Genesis in search for a lifeless planet to satisfy the requirements of a test site for the Genesis experiment.
Chekov (Played by Walter Koenig): Does it have to be completely lifeless?
Terrell (Played by Paul Winfield): Don't tell me you found something.
Chekov: We've picked up a minor energy flux reading on one dynoscanner.
Terrell: Damn. Are you sure? Maybe the scanner's out of adjustment.
"Yeah, I see the problem. We just had the episode "Spock's Brain" playing on the monitor. Here, let me adjust that." Sean said, imitating Captain Terrell and slams his fist on a fake computer monitor. "There we go."
Sean: (Narrating) Chekov and Captain Clark Terrell, played by the late Paul Winfield, contacts Dr. Carol Marcus, played by Bibi Besch respectively, at space station Regula I because they believe that it's something they can transplant since it may only be a particle of preanimate matter.
Dr. Carol Marcus (Played by Bibi Besch): Then again, it may not. You boys have to be clear on this. There can't be so much as a microbe, or the show's off. Why don't you have a look? But if it is something that can be moved, I want…
Terrell: You bet, Doctor. We're on our way.
Sean: (Narrating) Carol's son David, played by the late Merritt Butrick, let's his mother know that Genesis is going to work, but he's a little nervous about teaming up with Starfleet on this project.
David Marcus (Played by Merritt Butrick): We are dealing with something that could be perverted into a dreadful weapon.
"Or a game system that can't make a decent Sonic game." Sean said as a photo of Sonic '06 is shown.
David Marcus: Remember that overgrown Boy Scout you used to hang around with? That's exactly the kind of man…
Dr. Carol Marcus: Listen, kiddo. Jim Kirk was many things, but he was never a Boy Scout.
"Well, that's true. In fact: James T. Kirk is a womanizer. Take a look at how many women that he kissed on the show." Sean said.
(A montage of clips from the original series featuring Kirk kissing different women like Andrea, Dr. Helen, Lenore, Lt. Shaw, Edith, Marlena, Sylvia, Shahna, Nona, Ann Mulhall, Kelinda, Drusilla, Miramee, Uhura, Deela, Elaan, Marta, Rayna and Odona are shown while the theme by Alexander Courage plays in the background)
"Yeah, James T. Kirk was an intergalactic player. He knew all about being an outer space traveler, encountering "heavenly bodies"." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Captain Terrell and Chekov beam down to the surface to investigate until they come across a crashed vessel until they come inside and investigate until Chekov recognizes something that really creeps him out.
(Chekov discovers that the derelict vessel is the shelter for the crew of the SS Botany Bay)
Chekov: Botany Bay. Botany Bay? Oh, no! We've got to get out here now. Damn.
Terrell: What about the tricorder?
Sean: (V/O as Chekov) Forget about the tricorder. Let's get the hell out of here before… oh shit.
(Chekov and Terrell come across a group of cloaked figures that were waiting outside nearby)
Sean: (Narrating) So, Chekov and Terrell get captured by the cast of Dune and their leader reveals himself to be Khan Noonien Singh, played brilliantly by Ricardo Montalban. And I just love this reveal of Khan, it just shows that things just got bad to worse when Chekov recognizes him. I know what you're going to ask me about who Khan is, well let's go back to the first season episode of Star Trek: The Original Series.
(A clip from the episode Space Seed is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Back in the first season of Star Trek, Khan is a genetically-engineered madman who attempted to destroy the Enterprise and kill Kirk, but Kirk foiled his plans and sent him down to that barren planet. But now, Khan is back and he wants revenge and Ricardo Montalban gives it his all. He's the best part about this movie. For those of you who are new to Star Trek, check out the episode "Space Seed" from the original series, then watch "The Wrath of Khan" to understand the whole thing. Plus, I have to make a little nitpick about this scene.
Khan (Played by Ricardo Montalban): (To Terrell) I don't know you. (Sees Chekov) But you… I never forget a face. Mr. Chekov, isn't it?
"How does he even know Chekov? He wasn't even in the episode. Hell, he wasn't part of the cast in the first season until season two. So how would he know Chekov?" Sean asked. "It's like having Gibby part of the main cast of iCarly in it's fourth season and he didn't even appear in the show's three seasons."
Sean: (Narrating) Khan is back with his band of genetically-engineered supersoldiers and he has one thing on his mind: revenge. Revenge on the man who left him marooned on this planet. As much as enjoy Ricardo Montalban as Khan, we do get an instance of him losing his temper and man, does he scare me.
Chekov: You lie! On Ceti Alpha V there was life! A fair chance.
Khan: This is Ceti Alpha V!
"And I just pissed my pants." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Khan reveals that Ceti Alpha VI exploded six months after him and his crew were left on the planet and Kirk never bothered to check on their progress. Not only that, but Khan's ripped. Man, Ricardo Montalban was only 60 at the time and he still kept in shape. And yes, that's his real chest. That's not a fake chest.
Khan: Allow me to introduce you to Ceti Alpha V's only remaining indigenous life form.
(Khan opens up a container and a Ceti eel pops up from out of the sand)
"I would just like to point out that this scene disturbed me as a kid and boy, isn't it very disturbing for a PG movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Not only that this movie has a dark tone and some intense moments and some of these scenes can be very disturbing.
(We see some young Ceti eels crawling into Chekov and Terrell's ears)
"But then again, Sonic the Hedgehog 2 has the same rating as this movie." Sean said as the movie poster for Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is shown. "I'm sorry, but what requires parental guidance in Sonic the Hedgehog 2?"
(Sean sees that the film is rated PG for action, some violence, rude humor and mild language)
Sean: (Narrating) Rude?
"Rude?! This is a space eel crawling into a guy's ear. But shit, be careful parents, that's not rude enough." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Kirk and his crew arrive at the Enterprise to assist in an inspection, where Spock, who's now Captain of the Enterprise, is training some of the eager young cadets. And speaking of eager…
Preston (Played by Ike Eisenmann): Midshipman, first class, Peter Preston, engineer's mate, sir!
Kirk: First training voyage, Mr. Preston?
Preston: Yes, sir!
Kirk: I see.
"Oh, I'm sure that this young lad won't be a walking red shirt waiting to happen." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I would also like to point out that I'm watching the Director's Cut version of the film on Blu-Ray and it is so much better than the theatrical cut because you get additional scenes that were not shown in the theatrical cut. (The Blu-Ray of Star Trek VI is shown followed by the Special Collector's DVD of the film) Hell, they only have the theatrical cut of Star Trek VI on Blu-Ray and they haven't released the Director's Cut and if you want the Director's Cut version of the film, you'll have to order the Special Collector's Edition DVD from Amazon. Damn you, Paramount.
Kirk: Do you have any idea, Midshipman Preston, how many times I've had to listen to Mr. Scott on the comm, telling me his trouble? Do you have any idea, the ribbing I've had to endure in the officer's mess, to the effect that the Enterprise is a flying deathtrap?
Preston: No, sir. This is the finest engine room in the whole Starfleet. If the Admiral can't see the facts for himself, then, with all due respect, he is as blind as a Tiberian bat.
(Scotty clears his throat)
Preston: Sir!
Kirk: Midshipman, you're a tiger.
Scotty (Played by James Doohan): My sister's youngest, Admiral. Crazy to get to space.
"If he does that again, then I will have to send his ass back to Witch Mountain in a closed casket." Sean said, imitating Admiral Kirk.
Sean: (Narrating) They finish up the inspection and they depart from Space Dock a la reused footage from the first film just to save money. Hey, just be glad we don't have to suffer from boredom. Back on Regula I, Dr. Marcus is contacted by Reliant and Chekov tells her that they have received new orders regarding Project Genesis will be transferred to their ship and say that Kirk gave the order. But it turns out that Chekov and Terrell are brainwashed by Khan after having space eels stuck in their ears and they commandeered Reliant.
Khan: Well done, Commander.
Chekov: You realize, sir, they will attempt to contact Admiral Kirk and confirm the order.
(A clip from Freakazoid is shown)
Guitierrez (Voiced by Ricardo Montalban): (Laughs) Laugh with me! Laugh with me! (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the Enterprise, Saavik hops on an elevator with Kirk and decides to have a little talk with him.
Kirk: You're bothered by your performance on the Kobayashi Maru.
Saavik: I failed to resolve the situation.
Kirk: There's no correct resolution. It's a test of character.
Saavik: May I ask how you dealt with the test?
Kirk: (Starts the elevator back up) You may ask.
(Kirk chuckles while Saavik just stares at him)
Kirk: That's a little joke.
Saavik: Humor. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.
"What's not logical is that you still support a racist, bigoted, mysoginistic and xenophobic asshole. No wonder Marina Sirtis blocked you on Twitter and I'm on Marina's side because we don't support that asshole Trump." Sean said, referencing Kirstie Alley's tweet on Twitter.
"Uh, Sean. Don't you own all 11 seasons of Cheers?" Taylor asked.
"Yeah. Um, let me get a sledgehammer and smash seasons 6-11 of the show because that's when that crazed Scientologist was on the show." Sean said.
(The elevator door opens and McCoy is seen standing in front of the door and sees Kirk and Saavik)
McCoy: Who's been holding up the damn elevator?
Saavik: Thank you, sir.
(Saavik leaves the elevator as McCoy enters and looks back at Saavik)
McCoy: Did she change her hairstyle?
Kirk: I hadn't noticed.
McCoy: Wonderful stuff, that Romulan ale.
"Okay, where can I find this Romulan ale. I want what they're having. Makes you wanna have sex with hot Vulcan females." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk gets an urgent call from Dr. Marcus, regarding him taking Genesis away from them and he doesn't know about it but because of the transmission getting jammed he talks to Starfleet Command about it and he heads to Spock's quarters to talk about what's going on with Regula I and that they're the only ship in the quadrant.
Spock: As a teacher on a training mission, I'm content to command the Enterprise. If we are to go on actual duty, it is clear that the senior officer onboard must assume command.
Kirk: It may be nothing. Garbled communications. You take the ship.
Spock: Jim. You proceed from a false assumption. I'm a Vulcan. I have no ego to bruise.
Sean: (V/O as Spock) I'll leave that department to you because you have a very big ego.
Spock: In any case, were I to invoke logic, logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
Kirk: Or the one.
Spock: You are my superior officer. You are also my friend. I have been and always shall be yours.
"Just remember that in case something bad happens to me. I want you to remember what I say before I end up dying." Sean said, imitating Spock.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk assumes command of the Enterprise and they plot a new course for Regula I. Yeah, send a bunch of cadets out to their deaths. Oh, I'm sure that nothing bad will happen to them. Back on Reliant, Khan and his crew are pursuing Kirk for his quest for revenge. But his second-in-command Joachim, played by Judson Scott, tells him that he does not need to defeat Kirk again since they're free.
Khan: He tasks me. He tasks me and I shall have him. I'll chase him round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition's flames before I give him up.
"Man, I forgot how many quotable lines that they gave Khan in this movie. And this is why they parodied this line in an episode of Freakazoid." Sean said.
Khan: He tasks me. He tasks me and I shall have him. I'll chase him round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition's flames before I give him up.
(A clip from Freakazoid is shown)
Guitierrez: Because he tasks me. He tasks me. Round the moons of Snibya, I chuckle at thee. Beyond the Corpian clouds, I chuckle more at thee. Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins. Kirk, old friend, I… Oh, sorry.
Sean: (Narrating) While on course for Regula I, Kirk shows Spock and McCoy a briefing video on Project Genesis. What is Genesis? (A picture of the Sega Genesis is shown) Okay, if you think that Genesis is a game system, then you should get slapped in the face for being stupid. In fact: Genesis is life from lifelessness. In other words, fire a torpedo at a lifeless space body which transforms into a habitable world. And I just love the demonstration video of how the Genesis planet is created with the use of CGI in the 80s. Now, you might think that this is a genius idea, but McCoy freaks out about the thought of creating life.
McCoy: Dear Lord, do you think we're intelligent enough to… Suppose… What if this thing were used where life already exists?
Spock: It would destroy such life in favor of its new matrix
McCoy: Its new matrix? Do you have any idea what you're saying?
Spock: I was not attempting to evaluate its moral implications, Doctor. As a matter of cosmic history, it has always been easier to destroy than to create.
McCoy: Not anymore! Now we can do both at the same time. According to myth, the Earth was created in six days. Now, watch out. Here comes Genesis. We'll do it for you in six minutes.
Spock: I do not dispute, that in the wrong hands…
McCoy: "In the wrong hands?" Would you mind telling me whose are the right hands, my logical friend? Are you, by any chance, in favor of these experiments?
"Oh, dear. Can somebody get Dr. McCoy out of here before he ends up getting into a heated rant with Spock or better yet tell him to lay off the Romulan ale?" Sean asked.
Spock: Really, Dr. McCoy, you must learn to govern your passions. They will be your undoing. Logic suggests…
McCoy: Logic? My God, the man's talking about logic? We're talking about universal Armageddon. You green-blooded, inhuman…
(Spock raises his eyebrow at McCoy)
"That was definitely rude of you, Bones. This movie should've gotten a PG-13 rating." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But the Genesis debate between McCoy and Spock will be put on hold because the Enterprise has come across the Reliant waiting for them. As much as I love the Enterprise, I just love the design of the Reliant. I thought it was a pretty awesome ship… until the Klingon Bird of Prey. Anyway, they come across the Reliant and what they don't know is that Khan is aboard. And speaking of Khan, we get another quotable line from him/
Khan: Kirk, my old friend. Do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us, "Revenge is a dish that is best served cold?" It is very cold in space.
"Um, I thought that revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Enterprise is running with the shields down while Reliant raises their shields and lock their phasers on them. Yeah, probably a good time to raise the shie…
Khan: Fire!
Sean: (Narrating) Too late.
(Reliant opens fire on the Enterprise, hitting the ships most vulnerable points, disabling the ship's main energizer and warp core)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, the Enterprise gets shot at by Reliant and taking some heavy damage and they fire a torpedo at the Enterprise, which damages the bridge. Man, the Enterprise can sure take a beating and seeing the ship getting damaged really surprised me when I was young. You can see why Khan isn't playing around trying to get his revenge on Kirk.
Uhura: Admiral, the Commander of the Reliant is signaling. He wishes to discuss terms of our surrender.
Kirk: Put it on screen.
Uhura: Admiral…
Kirk: Do it! While we still have time.
Uhura: On screen, sir.
(Khan appears on screen)
Kirk: Khan.
(A clip from Freakazoid is shown)
Roddy MacStew (Voiced by Craig Ferguson): You'll never get away with it Guitierrez!
Guitierrez: Get away with what? I haven't said anything yet.
Roddy MacStew: You're right. Sorry! I jumped the gun. My fault.
Kirk: What is the meaning of this attack? Where is the crew of the Reliant?
Khan: Surely I have made my meaning plain. I mean to avenge myself upon you, Admiral. I've deprived your ship of power, and when I swing around, I mean to deprive you of your life.
(Another clip from Freakazoid is shown)
Roddy MacStew: You'll never get away with it Guitierrez!
"Alright, alright. This is the last Freakazoid clip that I'm gonna use for this review… maybe. Or maybe I can add a Fantasy Island clip in there." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You want to know what's funny? Kirk and Khan never met face to face during this movie. All of their interactions with each other is through viewscreen or their communicators, which is mostly because Ricardo Montalban filmed his scenes separately from the main production because he was busy filming Fantasy Island. Yeah, you can imagine William Shatner talking to a blank screen during filming. Anyway, Kirk pleads to Khan to take him and spare the crew, if he hands him all the data and material to Genesis.
(A clip from Star Trek III: The Search for Spock is shown)
Alien (Played by Allan Miller): Genesis?!
"Get out of here! I'm not talking about that movie yet." Sean said.
Kirk: Genesis? What's that?
Khan: Don't insult my intelligence, Kirk.
"You do realize that I am extremely intelligent. And I am also handsome, take a look at my sculptured chest." Sean said, imitating Khan.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk dores something very clever when he pretends to comply, but it's actually a plan to fool Khan by transmitting a signal using Reliant's prefix code that causes Reliant to lower her shields. And I just love this moment from Kirk when he puts on his glasses to read a console and Shatner just sells it perfectly.
(Kirk takes out his reading glasses to read the console. Saavik stares at Kirk)
Kirk: Damn!
(Kirk puts on his glasses to read the console)
"I just love that moment and I get a bit of a chuckle from seeing that. I can't think of any captain in Star Trek that would just put on glasses just to read a console. Can you imagine either Picard, Sisko or Janeway would do something like that?" Sean asked.
Kirk: Stand by to receive our transmission. Mr. Sulu, lock the phasers on target and await my command.
Sulu: Phasers locked.
Khan: Time's up, Admiral.
Kirk: Here it comes. Now, Mr. Spock.
(Spock types in Reliant's prefix code, which is 1-6-3-0-9, which causes Reliant to lower her shields. We cut to the Reliant, as Joachim notices that their shields are dropping)
Joachim: Sir, our shields are dropping.
Khan: Raise them!
Joachim: (Tries to raise the shields) I can't!
Khan: Where's the override? The override?
(A clip from Superman: The Animated Series is shown)
Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): Which red… oh, the heck with it! (Starts pressing buttons)
Kirk: Fire.
(Sulu fires a few well-placed shots at the Reliant)
Kirk: Fire.
(The Enterprise continues to fire at Reliant, damaging their photon control and the warp drive)
Sean: (Narrating) Khan retreats after the Reliant takes a few hits from the Enterprise. And what a hell of a scene this is. You have a battle scene with deception, a sucker punch, revenge, a counter punch, point blank weapons fire and great music. You don't need any fancy CGI or no gigantic battle. This is a submarine battle in space and you need good dialogue, good acting and sharp editing to create drama and tension. This is the best scene in Star Trek history.
"Until we talk about my other favorite scene later on in the movie and trust me, it's pretty awesome." Sean said.
Sulu: Sir, you did it.
Kirk: I did nothing! Except caught with my britches down. I must be getting senile. Mr. Saavik, you go right on quoting regulations. In the meantime, let's find out how badly we've been hurt.
(The doors to the turbolift opens as Uhura gasps in shock as Kirk and the crew see Scotty carrying his wounded nephew)
"Ummm… bad timing, dude." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the Enterprise suffers from damage and some of it's trainees have been wounded and as for Preston… yeah, I called it. That dude is about to join the other red shirts and that one Vulcan dude from the first film.
Preston: Is the word given, Admiral?
Kirk: The word is given. Warp speed.
"What word? That you give him permission to die. Jeez, that was Scotty's nephew that just died, you insensitive bastard." Sean said.
Scotty: (Sobbing) He stayed at his post when the trainees ran.
Sean: (Narrating) Again, I am watching the Director's Cut version of the film, so I have to play this scene.
(A scene from the Director's Cut version of the film is shown)
Scotty: Why?
Kirk: He wants to kill me for passing sentence on him 15 years ago. And he doesn't care who stands between him and his vengeance.
McCoy: I'm sorry, Scotty.
Scotty: (Sobbing) He stayed at his post when the trainees ran.
Sean: (Narrating) The Enterprise arrives at Space Station Regula I as they originally intended figuring that Khan has already been there and not likely to return. So Kirk, McCoy and Saavik beam down to the space station only to find it abandoned and I have to say that this is one of the most tense scenes that I have ever seen in my life because you might know that Khan will be there and that he'll pop up in any second. You get a bit of a jumpscare until you get a real jumpscare.
(McCoy bumps into a dead body that was hanging from the rafters)
McCoy: Jim!
"CAT! Wait a minute, DEAD BODY!" Sean screamed.
Sean: (Narrating) They find the crew of Regula I murdered. Again, really pushing that PG-rating there. Then, they find Terrell and Chekov and they tell them what happened.
Chekov: We found him on Ceti Alpha V.
Kirk: Easy. Easy, Pav.
Chekov: He put creatures in our bodies to control our minds.
McCoy: It's all right. You're safe now.
Chekov: Made us say lies, do things.
Sean: (V/O as Chekov) It was horrible, Admiral. He made us watch episodes of Fantasy Island and had us wear rich, Corinthian leather.
Kirk: (To Terrell) Captain. Where's Dr. Marcus? Where are the Genesis materials?
Terrell: He couldn't find them. Even the data banks were empty.
Kirk: Erased?
Terrell: He tortured those people, but none of them would tell him anything. He went wild. He slit their throats. He wanted to tear the place apart. But he was late. He had to get back to the Reliant in time to blow you to bits.
Saavik: Where's Reliant's crew? Dead?
Terrell: Marooned on Ceti Alpha V. He's completely mad, Admiral. He blames you for the death of his wife.
Kirk: I know what he blames me for.
"For those of you who don't know. Khan's wife is Marla McGivers, a former Starfleet officer who served in the operations division aboard the Enterprise under the command of Captain James T. Kirk and she fell in love with Khan and she helped him in his attempt to seize the Enterprise and she went with Khan and his followers to Ceti Alpha V. Again, watch the episode Space Seed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk and his team discover that the transporter was used and never turned off. So, they beam on down to Regula and materialize inside a cave, only for Kirk to get attacked by David.
(Kirk fights David while the fight music from Star Trek: The Original Series plays in the background)
Kirk: Where's Dr. Marcus?
David Marcus: I'm Dr. Marcus.
Dr. Carol Marcus: Jim!
(Kirk recognizes David and realizes that he's his son)
Kirk: Is that David?
David Marcus: Mother, he killed everybody we left behind.
Dr. Carol Marcus: Of course he didn't.
"Yeah, I forgot this teeny bit of information regarding David Marcus. He's Kirk's son. Turns out that Kirk and Dr. Marcus were lovers and he got her pregnant at the time." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Kirk reunites with his son after beating the crap out of him, Terrell and Chekov are still under Khan's control as they threaten the team.
David Marcus: I knew it! You son of a bitch!
(David tries to rush Terrell and Chekov, but Saavik tackles him to the ground just as Terrell fires his phaser. He misses and vaporizes Jedda)
"Well, so much for that guy." Sean said.
Khan: Kill Admiral Kirk.
Terrell: Sir, it is difficult. I… I try to obey, but…
Khan: Kill him.
Terrell: I…
(Terrell resists Khan and the eel inside him causes him extreme pain. Kirk walks over to Terrell but Terrell points his phaser at Kirk and turns it on himself)
Khan: Kill him, Terrell, now.
Sean: (V/O as Terrell) Well, at least I died knowing that I'm the only black guy in this film.
(Terrell fires the phaser on himself, vaporizing him. The creature inside Chekov causes extreme pain as Chekov screams and collapses to the ground. Kirk and McCoy check on Chekov and we get an extreme close-up shot of Chekov's ear as the Ceti eel slips out of his ear)
"Again, wearing that PG-rating like a Boy Scout badge, movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk vaporizes the Ceti eel and Kirk gets pissed at Khan for having somebody doing his dirty work and berating him for failing to kill him. But Khan gets the upper hand as he beams up the Genesis device.
Kirk: Khan, you've got Genesis, but you don't have me. You were going to kill me, Khan. You're gonna have to come down here. You're going to have to come down here.
Khan: I've done far worse than kill you. I've hurt you, and I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her, marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet. Buried alive. Buried alive.
Kirk: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
"Alright, look. If we're gonna play this scene, can we replace Kirk yelling out Khan's name like he's passing a kidney stone? I think I've had enough of that clip playing.
Kirk: (His voice is replaced by Spock's in Star Trek Into Darkness) KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
"Nevermind, play Shatner's Khan yell." Sean said.
Kirk: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
(Cut back to Khan as we see him have some kind of an orgasmic sigh)
"What the hell? Did Khan just orgasmed?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) I swear he just had himself an orgasm of relief after hearing Kirk yelling out his name.
Kirk: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
"I think I need to change my pants. I just jizzed a little from hearing my sworn enemy scream my name." Sean said imitating Khan.
Sean: (Narrating) Whether you take this scene seriously or laugh at it, it's still a classic scene.
"And since I'm an immature little bastard that I am, I have to make fun of this scene." Sean said.
Khan: Buried alive. Buried alive.
Kirk: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
(A clip from Star Trek Into Darkness is shown)
Spock (Played by Zachary Quinto): KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
(A clip from Futurama is shown)
William Shatner: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
(A clip from Family Guy is shown)
William Shatner (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane): KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
(A clip from Seinfeld is shown)
George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
(A clip from Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe is shown)
Joker (Voiced by Richard Epcar): KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! (Echoing Khan's name)
Deathstroke (Voiced by Patrick Seitz): Shut up or I'll gut you.
Sean: (Narrating) Later on, Kirk avoids Carol and David's questions about Khan by asking for food, so David shows McCoy and Saavik around, leaving Kirk and Carol behind so they can talk about their past history with each other.
Kirk: I did what you wanted. I stayed away. Why didn't you tell him?
(Carol sighs)
Dr. Carol Marcus: How can you ask me that? Were we together? Were we going to be? You had your world and I had mine, and I wanted him in mine, not chasing through the universe with his father.
"I don't want my son to be a man-whore like his father." Sean said, imitating Dr. Carol Marcus.
Dr. Carol Marcus: Actually, he's a lot like you in many ways. Please tell me what you're feeling.
Kirk: There's a man out there I haven't seen in 15 years who's trying to kill me. You show me a son that'd be happy to help him. My son. My life that could have been and wasn't. What am I feeling? Old. Worn out.
Dr. Carol Marcus: Let me show you something that'll make you feel young, as when the world was new.
"Is it a picture of Miranda Cosgrove from the iCarly reboot? Because she looks smokin' hot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No, it's actually a stable ecosystem that was created in just one day. While Kirk is busy having a snack, Saavik asks him a question regarding the Kobayashi Maru and how he passed the scenario.
McCoy: Lieutenant, you are looking at the only Starfleet cadet who ever beat the no-win scenario. (Points at Kirk)
Saavik: How?
Kirk: I reprogrammed the simulation so it was possible to rescue the ship.
Saavik: What?
David Marcus: He cheated.
Kirk: I changed the conditions of the test. I got a commendation for original thinking. I don't like to lose.
Saavik: Then you never faced that situation, faced death?
Kirk: I don't believe in the no-win scenario.
"Besides, he's Admiral Kirk. He doesn't like to play by the rules." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk and his team beam aboard the Enterprise along with Carol and David as they prepare to take on Khan, so they lure him into the Mutara Nebula after Khan spots the Enterprise. Once they enter the nebula, the ionized gases would disrupt both ships' sensors and shields to make the fight an even one, so Kirk taunts Khan.
Kirk: This is Admiral Kirk. We tried it once your way, Khan. Are you game for a rematch? Khan, I'm laughing at the superior intellect.
Khan: Full impulse power.
Joachim: No, sir. You have Genesis. You can have whatever you…
(Khan grabs Joachim)
Khan: Full power! Damn you!
"Kirk, if you want to taunt Khan, why don't you call him a weenie?" Sean asked.
(A sound clip from Freakazoid plays)
Kirk: (His voice is replaced by Freakazoid's) He's such a weenie.
Khan: (His voice is replaced by Guitierrez's) I AM NOT A WEENIE! YOU ARE THE WEENIE!
"Okay, okay, okay. I did promise that's the last Freakazoid reference in this review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this scene? This whole entire climax is amazing. It's like a submarine battle in space and you don't know who's gonna get who. You have some great music, great tension, some suspense. And I don't know if anyone has talked about the visual effects and the sound design in this scene, but the visual effects and the sound design is amazing.
(We get a taste of the movie's visual effects and some of the sound design)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they shoot at each other, then the Enterprise does a surprise attack on Reliant and cripples them. This results in most of Khan's crew killed in the process, but Khan is still alive with half his face burned off, has one last trick up his sleeve when he activates the Genesis Device, which will reorganize all matter in the nebula and to take out the Enterprise in the process.
David Marcus: It's the Genesis wave
Kirk: What?
David Marcus: They're on a build-up to detonation.
Kirk: How soon?
David Marcus: We encoded four minutes.
Kirk: We'll beam aboard and stop it.
David Marcus: You can't.
"6 bodies, Admiral! That's what I've seen between here and the Enterprise!. I tell you Kahn is here. He's here to kill you and anybody who gets in his way!" Sean yelled, imitating Dr. Loomis from Halloween.
Sean: (Narrating) With warp drive inoperable and the mains offline, Spock exits the bridge and heads down to the engine room to repair the main reactor, but he's stopped by McCoy.
McCoy: Are you out of your Vulcan mind? No human can tolerate the radiation that's in there.
Spock: As you are so fond of observing, Doctor, I am not human.
McCoy: You're not going in there.
Spock: Perhaps you're right. What is Mr. Scott's condition?
McCoy: Well, I don't think that he…
(McCoy goes to check on Scotty, but Spock nerve pinches him)
Spock: I'm sorry, Doctor. I have no time to discuss this logically. (Grabs Scotty's radiation suit gloves and mind melds McCoy) Remember.
"Don't worry, this will continue on in the next movie." Sean said, imitating Spock.
Sean: (Narrating) So Spock enters the chamber and endures the lethal radiation while repairing the main reactor. As the Enterprise tries to make it out of there, Khan sees the Enterprise getting away from them and I have to say that Khan looks awesome with half his face burned off. Hell, they used that image of him on the back of the VHS. But before Khan dies, he has some last words to say.
Khan: No… no, you can't get away. "From hell's heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee."
"And the dude ends up quoting Moby Dick. Well, if you gotta go, gotta quote something. Hell, they did that with General Chang in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country." Sean said.
(A clip from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country is shown)
Chang (Played by Christopher Plummer): To be or not to be.
Sean: (Narrating) Spock manages to repair the mains to bring the warp engines back online as the Enterprise warps out of there just in the nick of time as the Genesis Device explodes and destroys Reliant and kills Khan and everyone watches as the Genesis Planet is created. Kirk calls the engine room and realizes that Spock isn't on the bridge, so he heads down there to the engine room only to find Spock dying in the chamber.
Spock: Don't grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh…
Kirk: The needs of the few.
Spock: Or the one. I never took the Kobayashi Maru test. Until now. What do you think of my solution?
Kirk: Spock.
Spock: I have been, and always shall be your friend.
"Okay, I have to say this. Spock's death scene is one of the saddest death scenes ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) To be honest with you, I cried from watching that scene. Victory came at a price and it took Spock's life. He sacrifices himself to save the ship and for the first time in his life, Kirk is forced to face death, to look a friend in the eyes as he dies and he is powerless to save him. Fans of Star Trek and test audiences reacted negatively to Spock's death. This was mostly because Leonard Nimoy wanted to appear in no more Star Trek projects, but he enjoyed the experience of filming this movie and he was asked if he could return. And come on, we all know that Spock will be back in the sequel, which is Star Trek III: The Search for Spock. You can't have Star Trek without Spock. Plus, I just love Spock's funeral scene. Try not to cry from watching that scene, it's impossible.
Kirk: We are assembled here today to pay respects to our honored dead. And yet it should be noted that, in the midst of our sorrow, this death takes place in the shadow of new life, the sunrise of a new world, a world that our beloved comrade gave his life to protect and nourish. He did not feel this sacrifice a vain or empty one, and we will not debate his profound wisdom at these proceedings. Of my friend, I can only say this. Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, (sobs) his was the most… human.
(We cut to Saavik as we see her crying)
Sulu: Honors!
(Scotty plays "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes)
"I would play a clip of Harley Quinn playing "Amazing Grace" on the kazoo, but now's not the right time. Maybe for another time." Sean said, referencing the episode The Man Who Killed Batman from Batman: The Animated Series.
Sean: (Narrating) Spock's body gets launched in a torpedo casing into the atmosphere of the Genesis Planet and later on, Kirk has a heart to heart talk with David.
David Marcus: Lieutenant Saavik was right. You never have faced death.
Kirk: (Sits back down in his chair) No, not like this. I haven't faced death. I've cheated death. I've tricked my way out of death and patted myself on the back for my ingenuity. I know nothing.
David Marcus: You knew enough to tell Saavik that how we face death is at least as important as how we face life.
Kirk: Just words.
David Marcus: But good words. That's where ideas begin. Maybe you should listen to them. I was wrong about you and I'm sorry.
Kirk: Is that what you came here to say?
David Marcus: Mainly. And also that I'm proud, very proud to be your son.
(Kirk approaches David and hugs him)
(A clip from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is shown)
Donatello (Played by Leif Tilden and voiced by Corey Feldman): It's a Kodak moment.
Sean: (Narrating) The Enterprise depart for Ceti Alpha V to pick up the surviving crew of the Reliant and Kirk and the crew stare at the Genesis Planet and they remember Spock. Kirk quotes the last lines of A Tale of Two Cities and he tells McCoy that he feels young. We then cut to the Genesis Planet where we see the torpedo casing containing Spock's body landing on the planet and we end with Spock providing the final words.
Spock: (V/O) Space… the final frontier. These are the continuing voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission: to explore strange new worlds… to seek out new lifeforms, and new civilizations… to boldly go where no man has gone… before.
"And that was Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. All these years later… it's still my favorite Star Trek movie." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Come on, let's face it. Star Trek II is Star Trek I. This is the film that started the franchise in the right direction. I'm sure that Star Trek: The Motion Picture has it's share of fans but it has no real relevance to the franchise. It was a critical disaster but it did very well at the box office. Star Trek II was a critical and a commercial success. When they made Star Trek I, it was all about effects, they wanted it to be like 2001: A Space Odyssey and just bore us to death. Without Star Trek II, we wouldn't have a whole bunch of Star Trek movies. I love that this movie has an excellent story, I love that Khan is a vengeful madman, I love how it deals with death and growing old and resurrection, I love it's action and effects and I love the performances in the movie and it's visuals. You don't need to bore us with a bunch of effects, just have a great story for the film. As much as I love Star Trek IV and Star Trek VI, but for me Star Trek II will alway be my favorite, coming in at 5 Ceti eels out of 5.
"With that said, I'm sure that just because this is my personal favorite Star Trek movie, I'm sure that there's another one that definitely blew me away." Sean said.
Locutus of Borg: Resistance is futile.
"Oh, snap." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! Shut up or I'll gut you.
And there you have it, my review of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan has been finished. I hope that you all enjoy that review. If anyone has seen Star Trek II, what did you think of the movie? Also, what did you think of this review and some of the funny bits in the review? Which running gag was your favorite? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean takes a look at another Star Trek film, this time featuring the Next Generation cast and it's also his favorite movie aside from The Wrath of Khan. And that movie is Star Trek: First Contact. After the review of First Contact, Commercials VIII is up next after the review of Star Trek: First Contact. Feel free to leave a review, add this story to you favorites and follow it for future updates. If anyone wants to co-review the movie Star Trek: First Contact with me, I'm thinking of making it a co-review, if anyone is interested in reviewing it with me. Then feel free to PM me if you're interested. As for Commercials VIII, I have found a couple of commercials that you would all like. I'll see you guys next time. Live long and prosper, my friends.