The Mayhem Critic

by James Stryker

He's the critic that rips movies a new one. The critic with a bad attitude and a renegade status with a short fuse.

157. Episode 153: TLDLTK

The Mayhem Critic

Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Before I begin this story, I just want to bring something up. I've been getting messages from people who are in a group called Critics United, they are known for bullying and threatening people to remove their stories. Recently, I've gotten a threat from one of the members of this so-called group. First off, I do not tolerate bullying or threats. If you don't like my style of writing, then don't read it and read something else. Second, if you ever try to scare me with your threats, I will report you for abuse and I will block you. I have a right to write whatever I want. That's the whole point of FanFiction, we get to unleash our imagination and that's what I'm doing. So please, be respectful. Anyway, it's update time. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic is in a James Bond-mood when he takes a look at two of Timothy Dalton's Bond films, The Living Daylights and License to Kill and sees if these two are underrated gems and asks if Dalton is the best Bond. So sit back, relax and fix yourself a vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.

P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. The Living Daylights and License to Kill are owned by MGM/UA Communications Co./United Artists.

Episode 153

The Living Daylights & License to Kill

(The Mayhem Critic intro begins)

After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch once more as he gets ready to begin his newest review.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said to the audience. "Lately, I've been in a James Bond mood."

(A montage of clips from different Bond movies as well as the actors who played James Bond are shown while the song "Nobody Does It Better" by Carly Simon plays in the background)

Sean: (Narrating) Yes, lately I've been busy watching some of my James Bond movies on either Blu-Ray or on Prime Video while I'm on my break at work. I get a sense of thrill from watching these movies. Whenever it's the vehicles, the title songs, the attractive women, the gadgets, your favorite Bond moments, I tend to relive the memories from watching them. And since it's been 60 years since our favorite British agent graced us with our presence, I think it's time that we talk about him once more.

"And you're probably wondering if I'm going to review No Time to Die yet. Don't worry, I will review that movie when the time comes. But for right now, we're going to talk about another Bond before Daniel Craig. And since I've already talked about Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan and Roger Moore, I think it's time that I talk about my favorite actor who played James Bond." Sean said.

(A picture of George Lazenby as James Bond is shown)

"Nope, not him. But I have to say that he did a great job at playing Bond. No, I'm talking about Timothy Dalton as James Bond." Sean said.

(A montage of clips featuring Timothy Dalton as James Bond is shown following a montage of photos)

Sean: (Narrating) Younger Bond fans might be thinking, "Really? Mr. Pricklepants from Toy Story 3? I mean, he's good, I guess. But why would you consider him to be the best Bond?". Just keep in mind that he was the one that started the dark, edgy Bond before Daniel Craig. (A picture of Daniel Craig as James Bond is superimposed) Yeah, I said it. Fight me on this one. So what was it that made Timothy Dalton's interpretation of James Bond better than the others and why he's an underrated one. I mean, he only did two films. It's not like he did only one like Lazenby.

(A clip from On Her Majesty's Secret Service is shown)

James Bond (Played by George Lazenby): This never happened to the other fella.

"Now with that said, let's talk about how it all began." Sean said.

(Clips from the movie A View to a Kill is shown in a montage)

Sean: (Narrating) After the financial and critical disappointment of the movie A View to a Kill, work began on scripts for a new Bond movie, with the intention that Roger Moore would not return to reprise his role as Bond. Moore chose to retire from the role after 12 years and 7 films because yeah, he was getting too old for this shit. So now, the search for a new Bond is on and many actors were given screen tests. Some of these actors were Antony Hamilton, Andrew Clarke, Finlay Light, Bryan Brown, Michael Nader from ABC's All My Children and even Mel Gibson. (A picture of Sam Neill is superimposed) There was also a screen test for Sam Neill and he was one of the front runners to take the part. Producers Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli, director John Glen and Dana Broccoli were impressed with Sam Neill and they wanted him to play Bond, but Albert R. Broccoli wasn't sold. (A picture of Pierce Brosnan from Remington Steele is shown superimposed) The producers eventually settled on Pierce Brosnan, who was wrapping up his run on the NBC show Remington Steele after the ratings for the show failed. So yeah, Pierce Brosnan was announced to play as James Bond in the new Bond film, but when NBC heard about this, they'd figure that they'll greenlight Remington Steele for another season, resulting in Albert R. Broccoli withdrawing the offer given to Brosnan and he was not interested in having Brosnan split his time between Remington Steele and James Bond and he said and I quote: "Remington Steele will not be James Bond and James Bond will not be Remington Steele." This ended up costing Brosnan the part. And to add insult to injury, Remington Steele got canceled after just a few more episodes.

"With Brosnan out, there's only one man who can play as Bond. And that man is Dalton, Timothy Dalton." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) With Brosnan not being able to play as James Bond, the producers went back to Timothy Dalton, who was actually their first choice for him to play as Bond when he was approached to play the role as Bond back in 1971, but he was only in is early 20s at the time and was far too young. He was approached again before Octopussy and again before A View to a Kill. Hell, the movie Brenda Starr almost costed him the role of James Bond because he was filming the movie with Brooke Shields. And with Dalton being a Shakesperian actor, he figured he gives his own take of James Bond that's close to Ian Fleming's Bond in the novels. He would pull on a darker, more serious approach to Bond. James Bond that lives on the edge. But how would audiences react to this serious take on Bond?

"Again, great idea." Sean said.

(Clips from The Living Daylights are shown)

Sean: (Narrating) So, what's The Living Daylights about? It's about a recently defected KGB agent getting kidnapped and James Bond is called in to investigate a plot involving a KGB policy to kill all enemy spies, the Russian war in Afghanistan and a multibillion dollar opium smuggling operation. Pretty serious stuff for a Bond film.

"Now, I know that I'm gonna sound like a broken record but Timothy Dalton gets a bad rap as Bond." Sean said.

(A clip from Casino Royale is shown followed by clips from The Living Daylights and License to Kill)

Sean: (Narrating) Everyone loves Daniel Craig and his darker interpretation of Bond, but nobody gives Dalton any credit for basically taking the same approach 20 years before Craig did. He started that approach way before Daniel Craig. Now, The Living Daylights is nowhere near as dark as License to Kill, and trust me we will talk about it today since I'm gonna talk about two of the Bond movies. The Living Daylights is kind of the halfway point to being a darker, serious Bond movie. The plot for the movie is top-notch, which involves Glasnost, the end of the Cold War and the war on drugs and also the Russian war in Afghanistan with Bond teaming up with the Mujahideen. Just remember the year that this movie was made. Which was 1987. And like I said, we will talk about it more when I review it.

"And since I'm revisiting these two films and my main goal here is to see how well that they held up better for me or whether these two films fit in the "meh" category. Now, the opinions in this review are my own personal opinions on how I feel about these two movies and how I think when I'm watching it and I'm sure that there are some Bond fans that like these two and I do not want my Bond Card revoked as a result for not liking these two. So, let's dive right in to The Living Daylights and License to Kill." Sean said.

(The Living Daylights begins)

(The movie opens with the new gunbarrel sequence featuring Timothy Dalton as James Bond)

Sean: (Narrating) We get our new gunbarrel sequence and we get our first glimpse at the new Bond before the movie opens up on the Rock of Gibraltar as M, played by Robert Brown, briefs three of the agents that they're on a training mission.

M (Played by Robert Brown): Your objective is to penetrate the radar installations of Gibraltar. The SAS have been placed on full alert to intercept you, but I know you won't let me down. Good luck, men.

"Yeah, here's a little game that you and your friends can play, try to guess which guy is 007." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) It's impossible to figure out which guy is 007. You can probably just take a wild guess and say…

"The guy in the middle is 007. I'm sure of it." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) As the three agents parachute down, the training mission is hijacked by an unknown assailant who has a hard-on for leaving notes, case in point, the one that he's leaving for 004 that reads Smiert Spionom.

(A clip from Stranger Things is shown)

Karen Wheeler (Played by Cara Buono): What?

"It means "Death to Spies" for those people who don't speak spy." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The assassin kills 002 by cutting his grapple line and we get the reveal of the new James Bond, played by Timothy Dalton, and I just love the reveal of Dalton as James Bond, it's incredible. Plus, the whole action sequence that follows is an epic way to introduce a new actor to the part.

"And if you think that this action sequence in the pre-titles is epic, just listen to the soundtrack." Sean said.

(An updated version of the Bond theme by John Barry plays during the action sequence between Bond and the assassin)

Sean: (Narrating) This movie was the final Bond film to be composed by John Barry, and boy, did he go out with a bang. He delivers an excellent music score to this movie that gives it an edge. The soundtrack is notable for its introduction of sequenced electronic rhythm tracks overdubbed with the orchestra and it's pretty new for it's time. And you know what, I love it. As much as I love the soundtracks for GoldenEye, The Spy Who Loved Me, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, From Russia With Love, Skyfall, License to Kill, Octopussy and Tomorrow Never Dies, this one is one of my favorites as well.

"Yeah, tell me you don't get pumped from hearing the music. Because trust me, you will get pumped up." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) I absolutely love this action sequence, you can see that Timothy Dalton is performing some of his own stunts and seeing Bond headbutting the assassin. Eventually, they drive off of the cliff and Bond manages to parachute out of there before the jeep explodes. Again, this is one of the best pre-title sequences with a cool action sequence, some great stunt work, Dalton looks amazing and he doesn't even say anything until around the seven minute mark.

(We cut to a woman on a fancy yacht who's on the phone talking to her friend)

Linda (Played by Belle Avery, credited as Kell Tyler): It's all so boring here, Margo. There's nothing but playboys and tennis pros.

"Uh, first world problems much, lady? Weren't you paying any attention to what was going on around you? There was a jeep driving off a cliff and exploding midair while some British guy parachutes out of there from the back. If that's not exciting enough for you, then I don't know what is. I mean, imagine how that conversation went." Sean said.

(Cutaway Gag Starts)

(We see Taylor, who is seen relaxing on a beach recliner chair. She is wearing a sexy tight black bikini and sunglasses while she's on the phone)

Taylor: (as Linda) Oh, Margo. I can't stand being in this place. It's all so boring here. Nothing exciting ever happens.

Cheryl: (as Margo, on the phone) I cannot believe that I talked you into going to Gibraltar. You know this place is filled with only playboys and tennis pros.

Taylor: Like I said, it's…

(Explosions are heard)

Taylor: What the hell?

Cheryl: (on the phone) What's going on? Is there something wrong?

Taylor: Uh, Margo. Can you please speak up? I don't know. It sounds like somebody is firing off some fireworks or firing a cannon.

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

Linda: (Sighs) If only I could find a real man.

(Bond lands on top of Linda's yacht and climbs down in front of her)

James Bond (Played by Timothy Dalton): I need to use your phone.

(Bond takes the phone out of Linda's hand)

James Bond: She'll call you back. (Hangs up before calling M)

Linda: Who are you?

James Bond: Bond, James Bond. (On the phone) Exercise control, 007. I'll report in an hour.

Linda: (Hands Bond a glass of champagne) Won't you join me?

James Bond: Better make that two.

(The opening credits are shown while the song "The Living Daylights" by A-ha starts playing)

Sean: (Narrating) We get our opening credits sequence with the title song sung by A-ha and I absolutely love that song and the credits done by Maurice Binder, it's his work, and it's an absolute delight to see his work on the screen. Also, did I admit that I like this song?

(The song "The Living Daylights" by A-ha plays during the opening credits)

Sean: (Narrating) I would just like to point out that A-ha and composer John Barry did not collaborate well with each other, which resulted in two versions of the song: Barry's film mix in the soundtrack and also on A-ha's compilation album Headlines and Deadlines. Then, you have A-ha's album version, which was on the 1988 album titled Stay on These Roads. You also have two songs by Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders titled "Where Has Everybody Gone?" and "If There Was a Man", which I admit, I tend to listen to the song when I watch the end credits and it's the perfect love theme.

"But enough about those two songs, let's listen to that awesome song!" Sean exclaimed as he starts dancing to the song.

Sean: (Narrating) After the opening credits, we open in Bratislava, Czechoslovakia, where we get some good 'ol fashioned Cold War espionage as Bond heads to a concert hall to meet up with his contact Saunders, played by Thomas Wheatley. Saunders is the type of guy who read all of the spy 101 handbooks. They're here to help assist the East to West defection of a KGB general by the name of Georgi Koskov, played by Jeroen Krabbe.

"Fun fact: that sequence is lifted from the Ian Fleming short story that the film shares it's title with." Sean said.

(Bond looks through his binoculars and sees a beautiful blonde woman playing the cello)

James Bond: Lovely girl with the cello.

Saunders (Played by Thomas Wheatley): Forget the ladies for once, Bond. Koskov will leave the concert at the interval.

(An elderly woman shushes Saunders from the box across from them)

(A clip from Tiny Toon Adventures: How I Spent My Vacation is shown)

Fowlmouth (Voiced by Rob Paulsen): "Shh" yourself! (Blows raspberry)

Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Saunders go into a locked building across the street and I just love Timothy Dalton in this movie. He's just absolutely perfect. He plays a spy out to do his duty and he reminds me of Sean Connery's Bond. I especially love this moment where he turns his tuxedo jacket into stealth gear.

"Where can I find that? I want one. That looks pretty cool." Sean said.

Saunders: Now, let's understand one another, Bond. General Koskov is a top KGB mastermind. His defection is my baby. He contacted me. I've planned this out to the last detail.

(While Bond is setting up his rifle, Saunder holds a clip that contains the soft-nosed rounds)

Saunders: You'll want the soft-nosed ones, I expect.

James Bond: No. The steel-tipped. KGB snipers usually wear body armor.

"Yeah, listen to Bond, Mr. By-The-Book. He knows what he's doing." Sean said.

James Bond: What's your escape route?

Saunders: Sorry, old man. Section 26, Paragraph 5. That information is on a need-to-know basis only. I'm sure you understand.

(A clip from Stranger Things is shown)

Dustin Henderson (Played by Gaten Matarazzo): Son of a bitch.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Saunders keep an eye out for any KGB snipers that are on the lookout and are waiting to turn Koskov into strawberry jam, Koskov during the intermission and Bond spots the sniper, who happens to be the female cello player that Bond was admiring in the orchestra earlier and Bond gets ready to take a shot at her.

(Bond sees the female cello player getting ready to shoot at Koskov)

Saunders: Fire, Bond, fire! Shoot her! What are you waiting for?

(Bond pulls the trigger and shoots the rifle out of the female cello player's hands)

Saunders: You missed deliberately!

"Wow, so much for Saunders' sudden bloodlust just to see someone's brains getting splattered. But Bond doesn't kill her, much to his dismay. Hell, he was looking forward to it and he ruined it." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond gets back at Saunders by changing the plans to get Koskov out of the West by taking Koskov to the Trans-Siberian Pipeline to smuggle him across the border to the West, where we're introduced to Bond's contact Rosika Miklos, played by Julie T. Wallace.

Rosika Miklos (Played by Julie T. Wallace): We must hurry. Get him in the pig.

General Georgi Koskov (Played by Jeroen Krabbe): Pig? What is pig?

James Bond: Scouring plug. To clean out the pipeline. This one's been specially designed to carry a man.

General Georgi Koskov: Pipeline? You mean our pipeline?

James Bond: Great Soviet achievement. Piping natural gas into Wester Europe.

General Georgi Koskov: But… but… but not me!

James Bond: Don't worry, Georgi, it's a piece of cake.

Rosika Miklos: (Scoffs) Never mind cake. If you open valve before 100, he will be borscht.

General Georgi Koskov: Pigs, borscht, cake. There must be another way!

James Bond: Get in.

General Georgi Koskov: But…

(Koskov gets in the PIG)

"Oh, don't worry, Koskov. I'm sure that nothing bad will happen to you. Yet. You're the first person to enter." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) But before Bond could shoot Koskov through the pipeline, Rosika goes to distract the supervisor, played by Peter Porteous, who you might recognize him as Lincoln in Octopussy.

(Rosika enters the supervisor's office. The supervisor turns around and sees her as she removes her belt and takes her hair out of her ponytail to let it down. She then unzips her outfit for a bit, revealing her white, lacy bra, which arouses the supervisor)

Sean: (V/O as Gasworks Supervisor) I can't believe that I'm about to get treated to boobies in a PG movie.

Sean: (Narrating) Rosika distracts the supervisor while Bond send Koskov through the pipeline until he arrives across the border in Austria, where he's met by an out-in-the-field Q, who's just here to point Koskov to a flight of stairs and gets flown out in a Harrier jump-jet to England. The plan turns out to be a success, but Saunders is pissed off at Bond for disobeying a direct order.

Saunders: I'm reporting to M that you deliberately missed. Your orders were to kill that sniper.

James Bond: Stuff my orders.

"Yeah, try to imagine Roger Moore's Bond telling somebody "Stuff my orders." with that same level of conviction. Yet, I'm sure that he would've made it into a double entendre." Sean said.

James Bond: Whoever she was, it must've scared the living daylights out of her.

"Boom! Title drop!" Sean exclaimed.

Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to London, as Bond and Q look over the reviewed database files of all the female KGB assassins and we see a different actress playing Moneypenny, this time she's played by Caroline Bliss and this is her first appearance as Moneypenny after Lois Maxwell. Also, we get to see one of the new gadgets that Q Branch is working on.

(One of the Q Branch workers tests out a new gadget, which is a boombox that fires a rocket at a targeting dummy)

Q (Played by Desmond Llewelyn): Something we're making for the Americans. It's called a ghetto blaster.

"Okay, that is the most awesome thing ever. Where can I get one of those?" Sean asked.

Moneypenny (Played by Caroline Bliss): You'd better hurry. M wants you to stop at Harrods on your way and pick up a parcel.

James Bond: Moneypenny, be a dear. Ask Records to monitor-check publication and news services for me to see they can find any mention of a woman cellist at the conservatoire in Bratislava.

Moneypenny: I didn't know you were such a music lover, James. Anytime you want to drop by and listen to my Barry Manilow collection…

(Bond smiles at Moneypenny and puts her glasses back on her face and then slaps her buttocks before leaving)

"It feels like a stark contrast to Lois Maxwell, who was able to convey more of a bit savviness to her character. With Miss Bliss, they made her Moneypenny a bit of a geek. Well, more like a hot geek. Also, her Moneypenny listens to Barry Manilow. Okay, I can go for that." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond heads down to the Blayden safehouse where Koskov is being held. M and the Minister of Defence Frederick Gray, played by Geoffery Keen, are present. Anyway, Koskov explains the reason for his defection, General Leonid Pushkin, who is General Gogol's replacement. Jesus, how many goddamn KGB generals are in this movie?

General Georgi Koskov: (On Pushkin) Power has gone to his head. He's sick, like Stalin. He hates our new policy of detente./(Takes off his shoe and pulls out a note) I have here a secret directive from Pushkin, Smiert Spionom.

(Gray looks on with a confused look on his face)

James Bond: "Death to spies," Minister.

General Georgi Koskov: Da. For an assassination program with list of targets, British and American agents. When this starts, you will retaliate. Murder will follow murder. Soviet and Western intelligence could destroy each other. God forbid, this might lead to nuclear war, unless Pushkin can be… how do you say? Put away.

"Yeah, that's how I feel about Putin. I wish somebody could assassinate his ass or put him away." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) I just love Bond in this scene. If I was Bond in this scene, I would be pretty annoyed at the fact that I was called out to the safehouse just to drive a picnic basket over there. I'm from the U.S. and I've never been to Harrods, which is in London. If there's anyone from the U.K. that reads this, have you ever been to Harrods? Is it that busy there? Because if it is, then it must've been a bitch for Bond to get all the things he need.

(Cutaway Gag Starts)

(We see Sean playing as James Bond as he enters the room with a picnic basket. He sits the basket down on the table before he sits down)

Sean: (as James Bond) Sorry about that, M. It was pretty busy at Harrods. I was busy looking for the brand of champagne that you asked for, so I got Bollinger RD….

Brian: (as M) Well, that's good, 007. Okay, meeting's over. Let's all head back to London. Come along now, 007. Look lively now.

Sean: (Looks annoyed) Oh, son of a bitch!

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

(We cut to a blonde-haired man, who's disguised as an American jogger garrotting a milkman with his Walkman cord before we see him disguised as a milkman)

Sean: (Narrating) While all that is going on, we see our primary Bond henchman named Necros, played by Andreas Wisniewski, a.k.a. Tony from Die Hard, and he is the most memorable antagonist in the entire film, and we'll see why later on in the film. He is introduced as an unknown assassin as we see him kill a local milkman and steals his outfit to gain entry into the safehouse and we get a pretty awesome fight scene.

(We see that Necros kills a kitchen worker and hides his body into a freezer. A security guard enters the kitchen and notices this)

Green Four (Played by Bill Weston): (Calls on his walkie) Green 4 to base.

(The Green Four pulls out his gun but Necros kicks it out of his hand as he proceeds to fight him in a brutal fight)

"Damn, that dude is gangsta!" Sean exclaimed. "He's taking on a KGB assassin.

Sean: (Narrating) I mean, he puts up a great fight. He really got Necros over with the viewers, he seemed pretty tough in this fight so it makes Necros look like a really tough challenge for Bond to overcome when it's time for their fight. (A picture of Ken Barlow from Coronation Street is superimposed) Who knew that Ken Barlow could fight?

"Dude, way to go. You deserve the Mayhem Award for Bad-Assery. You were a minor character who just entered the scene and took on a man who would just kill you right on the spot. Kudos to you, sir." Sean said while raising his can of Budweiser beer.

Sean: (Narrating) Necros ends this awesome fight by knocking Green Four out with a skillet and he gets ready to kidnap Koskov with his awesome villain theme kickin' in gear.

(Necros throws an explosive milk bottle at the guards, killing them)

Necros (Played by Andreas Wisniewski): (In British accent) Green 4 to base. We've had a major gas explosion. Keep clear of the main building.

(Koskov and his KGB Minder run out into the hall and sees Necros as he points a gun at them)

General Georgi Koskov: KGB!

Sean: (V/O as Guard) Careful! That man is armed with explosive milk bottles! I repeat, explosive milk…

(Necros takes out two more guards with an explosive milk bottle)

Sean: (Narrating) Necros kidnaps Koskov, and M and the Minister of Defence aren't too happy about it. So, M assigns Bond the assignment to eliminate Pushkin.

M (Played by Robert Brown): A termination warrant has been issued for him.

James Bond: Uh, this, uh, plot to kill agents sounds rather far-fetched, sir. I know General Pushkin.

M: What, do you think I don't? I've dealt with him on several occasions. Our paths have crossed over the years.

James Bond: He's tough and resourceful, but I can't believe he's a psychotic.

M: Neither did I, until today.

"Originally, the writers wanted General Gogol to be the one involved but instead we got Sallah from Indiana Jones." Sean said, imitating M.

Sean: (Narrating) If you think that I'm joking about General Gogol, I'm not. General Pushkin was originally supposed to be recurring character General Gogol, who's been appearing in the series since The Spy Who Loved Me, but the character's portrayer Walter Gotell (A picture of Walter Gotell as General Gogol is superimposed) fell ill, so things were re-written to focus on Pushkin, played by our good 'ol friend John Rhys-Davies. But we'll talk more about him later as Bond agrees to carry out the assassination of Pushkin and he heads down to Q-Branch where Q provides Bond with some nifty new gadgets, one of which is a multi-purpose key ring finder that shoots out stun gas and it also explodes too and it is activated by whistling. It's a fun little Q scene. Also, Q is a bit of a prankster.

Q: (To one of the lab technicians) All right, sit down and make yourself comfortable.

(The lab technician sits down on the couch, which swallows him before Q sits down on the couch)

"Oh, man. Can you imagine having something like this in your home? Let's say that you have company coming over and they sit down on the couch." Sean said.

(Cutaway Gag Starts)

(We see Brian sitting on Sean's couch while Sean is standing right next to it)

Brian: Hmm. Sean, that is one big comfy couch.

(The couch swallows Brian as he starts screaming while Sean runs away)

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

Sean: (Narrating) Bond receives Moneypenny's report on the identity of the sniper that he saw, a blonde cellist by the name of Kara Milovy, played by Maryam d'Abo, and Bond returns to Bratislava to track her down and tail her, but she is soon taken by Sallah and the KGB bunch and she leaves behind her cello case. So, Bond decides to give it a close inspection.

(Bond enters one of the stalls, closing the door behind him as he sits the cello case down while the lavatory attendant looks on. Bond opens the cello case to find the rifle that he shot)

"Okay, if this was a Roger Moore movie, then that janitor would be holding a bottle of wine and he would be doing a double take as well." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond examines the rifle and learns that Koskov's defection was a phony when he finds some blanks inside the rifle and also Kara's address. Meanwhile, Kara returns to her apartment, only to see that it's been raided by the KGB and Bond heads to her apartment and tells her that he dropped the gun in the river and he does this by posing as Koskov's friend. Also, here's a little thing about Kara, it turns out that she's Koskov's girlfriend.

Kara Milovy (Played by Maryam d'Abo): I don't understand. Why are you trying to help me?

James Bond: What did Pushkin want? Did he ask you about Georgi Koskov?

(Bond sits Koskov's photo down on the table)

Kara Milovy: He wanted to know where he was.

James Bond: Did you tell him?

Kara Milovy: No.

James Bond: It was clever of Georgi, using blanks. Made the British believe his defection was real.

Kara Milovy: How do you know that?

James Bond: He told me.

"He told me right after I tried to shoot you… I mean, when I was assigned to blow your brains out… I mean! He told me. He just told me." Sean said, imitating Bond.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond lies to Kara by telling her that he's a friend of Koskov's and that the two of them will be heading to Vienna before the KGB pick her up again, in which they pull a little distraction on the KGB guy. Also, I love this little moment between Bond and Kara.

Kara Milovy: My cello! It's at the conservatoire.

James Bond: Don't worry. I'll get you another in Vienna.

Kara Milovy: No, we must go back for it.

James Bond: We have about 10 minutes, if we're lucky, before they discover what's happened.

Kara Milovy: I must get my cello!

James Bond: No way!

(We cut to Bond, who's sitting in the car waiting for Kara to get her cello. She returns with her cello as Bond opens the car door for her while helping her put the cello in the back of the car)

James Bond: Come on, get in.

(Kara enters the car and closes the door behind her)

James Bond: Why didn't you learn the violin?

"I get a good laugh from watching this scene. That probably sounds like Mike and Eleven from Stranger Things." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) While on their way to Vienna, Bond and Kara are pursued by the cops after KGB learned that they distracted them. In which, we get an action sequence involving Bond's Aston Martin.

(The cops set up the roadblocks while Bond turns on the display)

Kara Milovy: What is this?

James Bond: I've had a few optional extras installed.

(Bond arms the missiles while he sets up his target. He locks onto the target and fires at the semi-truck trailer that's blocking their way. They drive away as the police open fire on them. Bond and Kara are saved by bullet-proof safety glass)

James Bond: Amazing, this modern safety glass.

(Bond and Kara come across a tank)

Kara Milovy: (Gasps) Look out!

(Bond makes a detour to another road, leading them into a wooded area)

"A tank! Really?! All this from the Czechoslovak Police? All that for just two people who are running away from the KGB. And I thought that Russian cops are nuts." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, this is a pretty awesome action sequence with some great driving stunts and John Barry's soundtrack is amazing as always. But then I get a little upset when Bond blows up the Aston Martin. And just when you thought that the silliness from the Roger Moore films were over, then take a look at what Bond and Kara do to get away from the cops.

(Bond and Kara use Kara's cello case as a toboggan to sled down the hillside while the police are on their tail)

"Okay, I have to admit that was pretty silly. Hell, it's not as sillier than when Bond was swinging on a vine and doing a Tarzan yell on Octopussy or just driving a gondola on land in Moonraker. I still say the gondola one is still at the top of being silly." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) After Bond and Kara escape from the KGB and the Czechoslovak Police, we then cut to Tangier, where we see Pushkin is meeting with an American arms dealer named Brad Whitaker, played by Joe Don Baker. And I guess you could say that Whitaker is the primary villain in the movie. Whitaker is how you say um, he's…

(A clip from RoboCop 3 is shown)

The CEO (Played by Rip Torn): What? Have you gone war-wacky?

"Thank you, Rip Torn." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) I mean, look at this. This is a guy who has wax models of himself as greatest commanders of the past and his little war room that he shows Pushkin and I can tell that Pushkin is not impressed.

Brad Whitaker (Played by Joe Don Baker): Afghanistan, the North-West Frontier, 1895. The initial trial of the first automatic machine gun. (He shows off the first automatic machine gun) The .303 caliber Maxim. The King's Royal Rifles. They wiped out a vastly superior force. Kept the British in Afghanistan for another 25 years.

"Jeez, and I thought General Orlov from Octopussy was insane. This guy is nuts. But then again, Orlov is a better villain than Whitaker. Don't get me wrong, I like the stuff that's written for this guy. He's war-obsessed, but I don't see Joe Don Baker as a person who's war crazy. They could've casted George C. Scott for the role. Now, that's an actor who I can see playing a war-crazy guy." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Whitaker shows off some nifty new weapons to Pushkin that will help the Russians in Afghanistan, but Pushkin breaks the news to him that he's canceling the order.

Brad Whitaker: Well, you can't be serious, General. Do you understand how hard it is to obtain this equipment? I mean, this is the latest US and European stuff. No, I made commitments, letters of credit, special payoffs.

General Leonid Pushkin (Played by John Rhys-Davies): We know that you've had our money in your Swiss account for eight weeks. And that you have made no payments of any kind.

Brad Whitaker: Look, I can't cancel orders at this late date. Now, as one old soldier to another, you have my word of honor we will deliver…

General Leonid Pushkin: Spare me your military pretensions. What army did you serve in? You were expelled from West Point for cheating. Then a short stint as a mercenary in the Belgian Congo. Later you worked with various criminal organizations that helped finance your first arms deals.

Brad Whitaker: Lies spread by my competitors.

"Uh, Pushkin. I think you left out the part where Joe Don Baker was in Leonard Part 6 the same year as this movie. I should know because I reviewed that abomination. Never again, man. Never again." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Bond and Kara arrive in Vienna and she admires how beautiful the place is and she talks about Koskov and how she owes him everything like her scholarship at the conservatoire, her cello which is a Stradivarius called The Lady Rose that he bought for her in New York. And yes, we get some character and romantic moments between the two of them. Also, they check into a fancy hotel.

Vienna Hotel Concierge (Played by Heinz Winter): Good afternoon, Mr. Bond. You will need your usual suite?

James Bond: Not tonight, Hans. Uh, something with a second bedroom.

Vienna Hotel Concierge: Yes, sir. Shall I have the vodka martinis sent up?

James Bond: Shaken, not stirred.

"Okay, it just baffles me that Bond is a regular at this hotel and the concierge recognizes him and knows his usual suite. It's like me being a regular at Gold Star Chili and the servers know my usual order." Sean said.

(Bond sees Kara checking out a fancy dress)

James Bond: Do you like it?

Kara Milovy: For princess, or wife of commissar.

James Bond: Let's buy it.

Kara Milovy: Don't joke. Who will pay?

James Bond: (Smiles) Georgi, of course.

"Don't worry. Georgi will be okay with it. We'll just put it on his tab." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of Georgi. Back in Tangier, we see that Koskov is hanging out with Necros and Whitaker in Villa Central and we get confirmation that Koskov is indeed a villain.

"What a surprise." Sean said in a deadpan tone.

Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that reveal of Koskov being a bad guy. We didn't get a proper OMG reveal. It was revealed too early and so casually that it doesn't seem like a twist at all. When I first watched that movie when it aired on Spike TV back in 2004 and when I saw the reveal of Koskov as the villain, I wasn't that surprised. I want to know from you people, did you watch this movie and were you surprised by the reveal of Koskov being the villain the first time you've watched it?

"Also, I would also like to point this out." Sean said.

(A camera zooms in on Necros' tight blue speedo, in which we see his bulge)

"Oh, great. That's one Bond henchman that makes me want to question my own sexuality. Thank you, Necros. Thank you. I can see your package. But then again, Andreas Wisiniewski was a dancer." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Koskov and Necros report to Whitaker, who's busy having one hell of a meal and suddenly, I'm having a craving for lobster. Anyway, the three of them discuss what it will take to get Bond to assassinate Pushkin.

General Georgi Koskov: Pushkin is… how you say? History.

Brad Whitaker: Well, not yet. Your James Bond hasn't laid a finger on him.

General Georgi Koskov: The British are naturally cautious.

Brad Whitaker: Yeah.

General Georgi Koskov: An additional inducement will insure this. For instance, if another agent were eliminated?

"So, your plan is to kill another agent to get Bond to assassinate Pushkin just so you can get your money back from him? And you guys don't know that Bond knows that Koskov's defection was faked. Oh, God. I haven't been this confused since Orlov and Kamal Khan's dastardly plot in Octopussy." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Bond and Kara are at the opera as he continues to masquerade as Koskov's friend and Saunders meets up with Bond after he spots her and Bond explains to him about Koskov's defection and to find out where did Koskov get that kind of money just to get Kara an expensive-ass cello. In the meantime, Bond and Kara take a trip to the local fun fair as we see Bond on a roller coaster and James Bond riding a Dodge'em.

"Oh, yeah. James Bond. He lives on the edge." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) I guess this scene shows us that Bond and Kara are falling for each other.

Kara Milovy: Take me on the wheel.

"Whoa, hey now! No need to get sexual here. This is a PG-rated Bond movie. This is a family-friendly franchise." Sean said.

(Cut to Bond and Kara riding on the ferris wheel)

Kara Milovy: Is it real or just a dream?

"Oh. You meant you want to ride on the ferris wheel. I got my eye on you, PG movie." Sean said.

(The ferris wheel stops)

Kara Milovy: What's wrong? Why do we stop?

James Bond: I arranged it. We could be here all night.

(Bond tosses Kara's stuffed elephant to the side. He moves closer towards Kara as he gets ready to kiss her)

Kara Milovy: Don't. It's impossible. Knowing you only two days, and all I can think of is how it would be together.

James Bond: Don't think. Just let it happen.

(Bond and Kara kiss)

"Damn! Macking on a KGB general's girlfriend. How classy of you, Bond. What did the announcer say about Bond in the trailer?" Sean asked.

(A clip from The Living Daylights trailer is shown)

Announcer: He lives for danger./He lives for the moment./He lives on the edge.

"James Bond, ladies and gentlemen." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Also, I would just like to point out that this is a one-woman show for Bond in this movie. He's a lot less randy in this film. He only actually hooks up with Kara. And maybe that chick in the pre-title sequence. But yeah, it has a surprisingly nice romance between the two of them and I liked it. This was a reaction to the ongoing AIDS crisis. Back in the 80s, people had less of a taste for James Bond jumping into bed with different women when safe sex was all over the headlines.

(The ride comes to a complete stop as the people waiting to get on start laughing as the doors open up while Bond and Kara stop making out)

Ferris Wheel Operator: Do you want another ride?

"Okay, that dude was clever enough to make that pun. Hell, it sounds like something that Danny Bonaduce would say. As a matter of fact, I think Kara would love another ride on Bond's…" Sean said.

(A clip from The Newsroom is shown)

Leona Lansing (Played by Jane Fonda): Oh shut the fuck up, you Daniel Craig wannabe!

"What the…? Jane Fonda? Did she just interrupt my dirty joke? Plus, I do not look like Daniel Craig. Hell, I look more like Caleb McLaughlin from Stranger Things. Except, I'm milk chocolate with a tan while he's dark chocolate. Yeah, we're different shades of black, lady."

Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Bond meets up with Saunders at a cafe, where he tells him that the Lady Rose was sold for $150,000 to Brad Whitaker.

James Bond: Koskov and Whitaker. Where's Whitaker now?

Saunders: At his place in Tangier.

James Bond: Well done.

Saunders: Good luck. (Shakes Bond's hand)

James Bond: And Saunders? Thanks.

(Saunders smiles at Bond before leaving the cafe while Necros gets ready to kill him)

"Wait a minute. In three of the Roger Moore movies of the 80s, we see him partnered up with Luigi Ferrara in For Your Eyes Only, Vijay in Octopussy and both Sir Godfrey Tibbet and Chuck Lee in A View to a Kill. What happened to them?" Sean asked.

(We cut to scenes of those four mentioned characters getting killed in various clips while the song Live and Let Die plays in the background)

"Let's just say that they're pushing up daisies just like Chrissy, Fred and Patrick from Stranger Things." Sean said.

(Necros triggers an explosive charge in the automatic doors, causing the doors to slam shut, crushing Saunders to death)

"JESUS! This is a hard PG! This is a PG movie, man!" Sean said as the PG rating is shown right next to him.

Sean: (Narrating) Necros kills Saunders with a sliding glass door, yikes. And Bond sees the balloon with the message "Smiert Spionom" written on it. This sends Bond in a rage as he goes to avenge his comrade-in-arms' death.

(Bond hops across the fence and pull out his Walther PPK as he comes across a woman and her son)

Sean: (V/O as Mother) Aaaah! Holy schnitzel!

(The mother and her son run away while Bond puts his gun away. He then meets up with Kara)

Kara Milovy: What's the matter?

James Bond: Bad accident back there.

Kara Milovy: Did you hear?

James Bond: Hear from Georgi? Yes. I got the message.

"The execs at Disney want me to play the villain in The Rocketeer. How cool is that?" Sean asked, imitating Bond..

Sean: (Narrating) Bond tells Kara that Koskov is with Whitaker and that they must leave for Tangier immediately, which they do and it gives Bond the opportunity to go after Pushkin and he tails him to his hotel, where he meets his mistress Rubavitch. And yes, her name is very similar to Gogol's assistant Rubelvitch. He infiltrates Pushkin's hotel and surprises him at gunpoint.

General Leonid Pushkin: I take it that this is not a social call, 007.

James Bond: Correct. You should have brought lilies.

General Leonid Pushkin: May I ask why?

James Bond: Smiert Spionom.

General Leonid Pushkin: Smiert Spionom was a Beria operation in Stalin's time. It was deactivated 20 years ago.

James Bond: Two of our agents are dead.

General Leonid Pushkin: My condolences. We had nothing to do with it.

"Look, I know nothing about what's going on. I'm just a Welsh man playing a Russian, for Christ's sake." Sean said, imitating Pushkin.

Sean: (Narrating) Pushkin tells Bond that he was about to have Koskov arrested for embezzling money to buy weapons from Whitaker and he ends up alerting his guard with his silent security alarm wristwatch, in which Bond ends up pulling a clever tactic.

(Bond grabs Rubavitch and strips her of her robe. The guard enters room and sees Rubavitch topless, distracting him long enough for Bond to knock him out)

Sean: (V/O as Pushkin's guard) Damn it! I've been foiled by PG-rated boobies!

James Bond: (Points his gun at Pushkin) Stay where you are. Now get down on your knees.

(Pushkin gets down on his knees)

James Bond: Put your hands behind your back.

General Leonid Pushkin: You are professional. You do not kill without reason.

James Bond: Two of our men are dead. Koskov's named you. Now, why should I disobey my orders?

General Leonid Pushkin: I am in the dark as much as you are. It is a question of trust. Who do you believe? Koskov or me?

"Well, that's easy. Don't believe the guy who hired the One-Armed Man to murder Dr. Richard Kimble's wife. Believe Gimli, he's part of the fellowship of the rings." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Later, Pushkin prepare to make a speech at the convention while Necros prepares to assassinate him.

(Right when Necros is getting ready to open fire on Pushkin, someone else shoots Pushkin. Necros shines the light on Bond and Bond shoots out the light)

"Bond! What the hell?!" Sean exclaimed.

Sean: (Narrating) You just assassinated the general of the KGB in a crowded place where there are tons of reporters and photographers and also the Tangier police that would identify you and have you arrested.

"Why don't you yell out "Death to All Tyrants!" while you're at it?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Bond murders Pushkin and he's on the run from the law who shoots at him with machine guns.

(One of the police officers armed with Beretta PM12S submachine guns shoot at Bond)

"What's with the cops shooting at Bond with machine guns? This isn't a machine gun-type situation for you to chase down a criminal. You're not the Gotham City S.W.A.T. team from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) While Bond is on the run from Johnny Law, Pushkin is dead and Rubavitch grieves over her lover's lifeless body…

(We see that Pushkin opens his eyes and gets up)

"Holy fucking shit! He's the walking dead!" Sean exclaimed in shock while he pulls out his gun.

Sean: (Narrating) No, it turns out that Bond and Pushkin have joined forces to bring down Koskov, which means for Pushkin to fake his death. Meanwhile, Bond is on the run from the local police force and he tries to lay low until…

(Two beauties in a red convertible spot Bond and they follow him.)

(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)

Yakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen): Helloooooo nurses!

Liz (Played by Catherine Rabett): Hey. You looking for a party?

James Bond: (Gets in the convertible) Seems like a good idea.

"So much for this movie being a one-woman show for Bond. He's going to have a threesome with two hot babes." Sean said.

(A clip from TruTV's World's Dumbest Daredevils is shown)

Gary Busey: (Smiles) God bless you, buddy. (Gives a thumbs-up)

Sean: (Narrating) But it turns out that these two lovely ladies aren't interested in sex or his money or both. It turns out that they're working for the CIA and Bond bumps into his good buddy Felix Leiter, this time he's played by John Terry, and we learn that the CIA are keeping tabs on Whitaker.

James Bond: An illegal arms deal with the Russians?

Felix Leiter (Played by John Terry) Well, you've got me, James. Whitaker's put together a few samples of high-tech stuff, but he's placed no big orders yet.

James Bond: Well, looks like we've been working on the same case from opposite ends. Let's talk shop.

Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Koskov gets a phone call from someone about Bond. Then later, Bond goes to see Kara, who fixes him something to drink. Yeah, you could tell that there's something up with Kara. She's acting all suspicious. Bond then tells Kara the truth that he's not a friend of Koskov's and he's a British agent looking for him because Koskov is a liar and he's betrayed everybody, including Kara. But Kara doesn't believe Bond.

Kara Milovy: Liar! You pretended to love me! I telephoned Whitaker. Georgi was there. He told me the truth. You're a KGB agent using me to find him and kill him!

James Bond: No, that's not… That's not true. I… That's… Chloral Hydrate.

"Chloral Hydrate. Isn't it what Bill Cosby puts in people's drinks?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narrating) Kara drugs Bond's drink after thinking that he's a KGB agent. But then Bond shows her the injury that she sustained from the night Koskov "defected" and that he was the man sent to kill her. Then Koskov and Necros arrive and they take him to a Russian cargo transport plane and he wakes up to see what's in the medical organ transplant container. Also, Kara believes Bond and that she's on his side. So the two look inside the container only to find…

(Kara gasps as she sees what's inside the container)

Kara Milovy: Oh, my God.

James Bond: That's not human. It's an animal's heart.

(We see an animal's beating heart inside the container, surrounded by diamonds hidden in the ice)

James Bond: Diamonds hidden in the ice.

"Uh, who's heart is that in the container? Was it Bambi's or was it Mufasa's?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narrating) Koskov reveals to Bond his dastardly plan, which is to use Bond to buy favor with the Russians by turning him in for Pushkin's murder.

James Bond: You're a wonder, Georgi. You get me to kill Pushkin for you, and you turn me in to the Russians for his murder. What are you gonna ask for? Immunity? Permission to emigrate and enjoy the amenities of the West? You don't honestly think they'll condone your defection, do you?

General Georgi Koskov: What defection? I have been on a secret mission for General Pushkin to disinform British Intelligence. I'm sorry, James. For you, I have great affection, but we have an old saying. "Duty has no sweethearts."

James Bond: We have an old saying too, Georgi, and you're full of it.

"Oh, yeah. Well, in America, we have an old saying too. And it is 'Go fuck yourself.'." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The plane lands at a Russian airbase in Afghanistan, where Koskov is welcomed by one of his fellow comrades Col. Feyador, played by John Bowe, and he hands Bond over to the authorities. And if you think that we didn't get enough deception in this movie, then we have more because Koskov betrays Kara by handing her over to the authorities as well by telling them that she's a defector.

(Kara slaps Koskov in the face)

General Georgi Koskov: I will be compassionate with you and try to have you assigned to the Siberian Philharmonic Orchestra. They're quite good, despite their bourgeois repertoire.

"Jesus, people getting betrayed left and right. Who's betraying who? This movie went all John LeCarre on our asses." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) So Bond and Kara get sent to Russian jail, where they are greeted by the most brutal Russian jailer ever.

(The Russian jailer hits Bond in the back)

Jailer (Played by Ken Sharrock): I did not tell you to get down.

(Bond tries to get up, but ends up getting hit again)

Jailer: (Laughs) I did not tell you to get up!

"In Soviet Russia, Russian jailer breaks you." Sean said in a Russian accent.

(The jailer takes Bond's key-finder before pushing Bond into his cell. Bond then whistles as the key starts beeping. The jailer and the guard chuckle as Bond steps back. The guard whistles at they key-finder and it beeps again. Then, Bond starts to whistle "Rule Britannia", which emits a cloud of stun gas, knocking out the guard and the jailer)

Sean: (V/O as Jailer) Yuri! Yuri! That gas stinks, that motherfu….!

(Bond escapes from his cell and fights another guard in hand-to-hand combat. The jailer gets up and charges at Bond)

Kara Milovy: (Yelling) James!

"Well, don't stand there and yell out his name, babe! Do something! Knock the guy out or something." Sean said.

(The jailer tries to kill Bond, but Bond kicks the jailer in the groin)

Sean: (V/O as Jailer) Aaah! My borscht!

Sean: (Narrating) Bond dispatches the guards along with Kara's help and another inmate as they make their escape.

Kara Milovy: You were fantastic! We're free!

James Bond: Kara, we're inside a Russian air base in the middle of Afghanistan.

"Sounds like the most romantic setting." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Kara escape from the Russian air base disguised as Russian guards and hop over the barbed wired fence, but they end up getting captured by the Mujahideen and it turns out that this guy, the inmate from before who is escaped with Bond and Kara, turns out to be the leader of the Mujahideen. This is Kamran Shah, played by Art Malik. And if you don't recognize Art Malik, then maybe this little clip will make you recognize him.

(A clip from True Lies is shown)

Harry Tasker (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): You're fired.

(Harry fires a missile at a terrorist helicopter, with Salim Abu Aziz ensnared on it)

Sean: (Narrating) Yes, he played the bad guy who got "fired" by Schwarzenegger in the movie True Lies, a movie that he will be remembered for.

"And if you've seen the Nostalgia Critic's review of A Kid in King Arthur's Court, he played the bad guy in the movie as well. Oh, it'll be a cold day in hell if I review that because it featured another actor who played Bond in it." Sean said.

(A clip from Casino Royale is shown)

James Bond (Played by Daniel Craig): Bond, James Bond.

"Oh, God. And it was one of Craig's earlier roles too. We liked you better as Bond, buddy." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Turns out, Shah proves to be a great ally to Bond and Kara as he takes them to the Mujahideen encampment. Also, I know that I'm going to sound like a broken record about John Barry's music score in the movie, but the Mujahideen's theme for the movie sounds amazing and I absolutely just love it.

James Bond: It's the work of the Mujahideen.

Kara Milovy: Mujahideen?

Sean: (V/O as Bond) That's what I said, "Mujahideen".

Taylor: (V/O as Kara) I think it's pronounced "Mujahideen".

Sean: (V/O as Bond) Oh, whatever. Don't correct me, woman.

Sean: (Narrating) Now, looking back at this scene in 2022, it can prove to be jarring for a lot of people and how Western relations went with Afghanistan after the fall of the Soviet Union. Here's the thing, back in the 80s, the Mujahideen weren't the bad guys. Now, how do I explain this without trying to offend people?

(TV static transitions to: Up All Knight with Chad Knight)

"Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Let's explain this about the Mujahideen. Children, have you ever heard of Jihad?" Chad asked.

"STOP!" Sean yelled out.

Sean: (Narrating) Okay, just so you know back in the 80s the Mujahideen were a group of freedom fighters in Afghanistan and they were supported by the CIA and MI6 to keep the Soviets out of Afghanistan. And yes, this was reflected in some media. (The poster for Rambo III is superimposed) Rambo III is one of them. And if you're a Call of Duty fan like me, Call of Duty: Black Ops II is one of them as well. That is all I have to say, now let's get back to the review. Anyway, Bond goes to speak with Shah about wanting to go back to the air base, but Shah just laughs because they won't help.

James Bond: Then at least put me in touch with the Mujahideen.

(Shah and the others laugh)

Kamran Shah (Played by Art Malik): Deputy Commander of the Eastern District. I was caught reconnoitering the air base. Thankfully for me, they didn't know who I was. Now, who are you?

James Bond: I work for the British government.

(Shah's men start laughing)

James Bond: We've uncovered a plot by a Russian general, Koskov, to purchase American high-tech weapons. Arms that could be used against you and your men.

Kamran Shah: Well, that is important.

"And you know what, I like Art Malik's character in this movie. He makes a great ally to Bond who would assist him in a dangerous mission." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Now, time for some lovey-dovey romance between Bond and Kara as he tells Kara that he won't be leaving with her because he's going after Koskov.

Kara Milovy: It's too dangerous. Don't go.

James Bond: I have to.

Kara Milovy: You have to what? Get killed? I won't wait for you.

James Bond: Fine. Then I'll have Kamran send you direct to London.

Kara Milovy: Oh, you dumb, stubborn, stupid…

(Kara shouts in Slovak and beats Bond with a pillow, knocking him down to the bed)

James Bond: (Laughing) What's that supposed to mean?

Kara Milovy: Back end of horse!

James Bond: Are you calling me a horse's ass?

"Okay, that line gave me a little chuckle." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond spends the night with Kara, followed by beautiful shots galore as dawn appears and Bond and Kara join the Mujahideen on a trip to deliver some goods to the Russians. But actually, those goods happen to be raw opium and the desert rendezvous turned out to be a drug deal between Koskov and the Snow Leopard Brotherhood in exchange for the diamonds that Koskov brought over. So, Bond does his best to explain what's going on.

James Bond: (On Koskov) He arranged for the Russians to buy many high-tech weapons. He's using the down payment to buy this opium instead. He can turn a huge profit in days, and still provide the Russians with their arms.

"Okay, let me write this down. Koskov using the diamonds as a down payment to buy the opium and he arranged the Russians to buy high-tech weapons. Jesus, I haven't seen a villainous plot that complicated since Kamal Kahn and General Orlov's plot in Octopussy." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, as far as Bond plots go, this is more of the complicated plots to follow, if you're trying to watch this. There is a lot going through and a lot of stuff thrown in at the end like the diamonds and the opium. Watching this film when I was like 12, I was confused. And now that I'm 30 and I watch this movie a lot, I try to follow this complicated plot. Anyway, Bond stows away on one of the Soviet trucks with a bomb so he can blow up the opium while Kara gives Kamran and his men a stern talk.

Kara Milovy: James is trapped. You must help him!

Kamran Shah: He'll have to take his chances.

Kara Milovy: You can't leave him. You owe him your life.

Kamran Shah: There's nothing more I can do.

Kara Milovy: Yes, there is.

(Kara grabs Shah's AK-47 from out of the holster and rides off after Bond)

"And apparently, Kara went from being this wide-eyed and innocent beauty to friggin' Rambo. Yeah, she reminds me of Eleven from Stranger Things. She's wide-eyed and innocent at first, then she becomes a total badass." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Kara Rambo here leads the charge with Kamran and his men to attack the Russian airbase while Bond hides a bomb inside one of the opium bag. After doing that, his cover is blown when Koskov and Necros sees him.

"And this is where the film gets pretty awesome. And my God, it does get awesome." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Kamran and his men launch a full-scale attack on the Russian airbase. It's a lot of great fun. You get lots of explosions, stunts and fight scenes and…

(Shah drives through one of the buildings, knocking them down as we see two naked Russian soldiers who were busy taking a shower making a run for it)

Sean: (Narrating) …showing two naked soldiers just to play it out for laughs. Anyway, it's a great action sequence. Also, I just love how James is trying to get the plane over a wedge while trying to fly it off of the runway and seeing Koskov failing to jump on the plane to stop Bond. We then see Kara trying to catch up to Bond while she's driving a jeep while Koskov and Necros try to stop her and we get one of my favorite tracks from movie titled "Hercules Takes Off".

(The track "Hercules Takes Off" plays during the scene where Kara catches up with Bond while Necros shoots at her with a mounted machine gun)

"Again, this movie is one of my favorite John Barry-composed music scores." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) I just love how Kara is trying to make herself known in baffling oblivious style.

Kara Milovy: (Trying to get James' attention) James! James!

"James, I'm right here! Over here! James! Jesus, lady." Sean said.

(Necros continues to shoot at Kara while Koskov is driving)

General Georgi Kosko: Don't shoot! You'll hit the plane!

"Dude, really? You're worried about hitting the plane? It's not like it's going to explode or something." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) I do love this moment where Bond tells Kara to drive to the back of the plane to get in and when Kara doesn't understand him, it looks like he was mouthing "for fuck's sake". There goes the PG rating for this movie. So, Kara drives to the back and makes it inside while Necros hops aboard.

(Bond manages to fly over a plane that was landing while Koskov crashes into the plane with his jeep and survives the fiery crash)

"Are you kidding me? What?!" Sean exclaimed.

Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I call bullshit on that. Koskov could've died in that explosion. That was an odd choice to let him live. I find it silly that Koskov survived the explosion like a friggin' Looney Tunes cartoon.

(A sound clip from the Looney Tunes short "Operation: Rabbit" plays while Koskov survives the explosion and sees the plane leaving)

Wile E. Coyote (Voiced by Mel Blanc): Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mud.

(A clip from "Operation: Rabbit" plays)

Bugs Bunny (Also voiced by Mel Blanc): And remember, MUD spelled backwards is DUM.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond has Kara fly the plane while he goes to defuse the bomb, but he gets interrupted when Necros tries to kill him and we get a fantastic fight scene between the two of them and I love it.

(Kara opens the cargo loading ramp door, causing the netted drug cargo to trail from the back of the plane while Bond and Necros are hanging on)

"And there's Uncharted 3's inspiration for the plane sequence. I guess someone at Naughty Dog Studios was a James Bond fan." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond gives Necros the boot… literally, by cutting the shoestrings off his boot and letting him fall to his death. I just like to say that this fight scene is the best. It is incredible stuff like the free fall scene from Moonraker. Gotta give props to the stuntmen performing this. Anyway, Bond disarms the bomb and gives Kamran and his men some support by dropping the bomb on the Russians and blowing up the bridge. Again, props to special effects supervisor John Richardson on that little effect and designing that modely-looking bridge.

(A clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is shown)

Patsy (Played by Terry Gilliam): It's only a model.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond sees that the plane is losing fuel , so him and Kara eventually leave the plane before it crashes. But wait, it's not over yet. Because Bond's got some unfinished business as he heads back to Tangier to get Koskov and Whitaker, with some assistance from Felix. Bond heads into the mansion to deal with the arms dealer, who has a few tricks up his sleeve.

Brad Whitaker: You know, Meade should have taken another 35,000 casualties. Could have ended the rebellion right then and there. Hell, Grant would have done it.

(Whitaker presses a button on his remote, which opens a drawer, knocking Bond to the ground Whitaker opens another drawer and pulls out a Mini Uzi and starts shooting at Bond. Bond takes cover and shoots at Whitaker, who's armed with an assault rifle with a bulletproof face shield)

Brad Whitaker: (Laughing) All right, you've had your eight, now I'll have my 80.

(Bond runs to take cover while Whitaker opens fire at him)

Brad Whitaker: (Laughs) Sorry to say, your popgun is no match for the latest body armor.

"Dude, that is a Colt Commando M733 fitted with a transparent bullet-resistant shield. Also, Whitaker states that the Colt Model M733 has an eighty-round capacity, which is impossible for that type of gun to hold eighty rounds, when in reality it is loaded with a 30-round STANAG magazine." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) But Bond has one trick up his sleeve to take down that war-obsessed loony.

(Bond makes a wolf whistle)

Brad Whitaker: (Chuckles) What?

(The key-finder detonates, toppling the bust of Wellington onto Whitaker, killing him. A guard burst in and tries to kill Bond, but the guard ends up getting shot by Pushkin as him and his men enter the room)

General Leonid Pushkin: I owed you that one, Bond. (Sees Whitaker's corpse)

James Bond: He met his Waterloo.

"Okay, that was a good one-liner from Bond." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Koskov is surrounded by the guards and tries to play innocent by saying that Whitaker has held him prisoner for weeks and I just love the expression on Bond's face. In his mind, he's saying "You lying son of a bitch.", when you know that he's in cahoots with Whitaker. So, Pushkin has something arranged for Koskov.

General Leonid Pushkin: Put him on the next plane to Moscow.

General Georgi Koskov: Oh, thank you, General! Thank you so much! Thank you!

General Leonid Pushkin: In the diplomatic bag.

"Later, you sick, twisted little freak." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) And so, the movie ends with Kara performing in Vienna and we get a little cameo from composer John Barry as the conductor for the orchestra and we get a little cameo from General Gogol, who's now with the Foreign Service, Kamran and his men arrive at the concert late and Kara heads to her dressing room, where her and Bond celebrate her performance.

James Bond: You didn't think I'd miss this performance, did you?

Kara Milovy: No.

(Bond and Kara kiss)

Kara Milovy: Oh, James.

(The song "If There Was a Man" by The Pretenders start playing while the end credits are shown)

Sean: (Narrating) After the release of The Living Daylights, it was a box-office success, but the film's critical reception was mixed due to Dalton's take on Bond. Hell, take a look at this clip from Siskel & Ebert.

(A clip from Siskel & Ebert is shown)

Roger Ebert: Timothy Dalton is a good actor. He is very convincing in the movie's more serious moments. He has a great screen presence. He looks interesting, but if he has a weakness, it's the comic side of the character.

"Well, some people." Sean said. "I mean, there was a sequence involving James Bond on a magic carpet but that scene was deleted and you think that you can take something so silly very seriously?"

Sean: (Narrating) The movie was pretty good, but it still got slammed by other violent action films that the kiddies went to go see. Films like Lethal Weapon, RoboCop, Predator, Die Hard and Rambo. Those movies were racking that kind of dough and was whooping Bond's ass. So, the Bond producers wanted to cash in on this new trend. And here's how it went down.

(Cutaway Gag Starts)

Sean: (as Albert R. "Cubby" Broccoli) Michael, I hope you two have ideas for the next Bond movie.

Brian: (as Michael G. Wilson) Oh, you're going to like this one. A Bond movie with violence and I mean tons of violence and it's packed with swearing and drugs. It's gritty, hard-boiled. We're talkin' revenge. There will be heads exploding, literally. I'm talkin' brains splattering all over the walls. And lots of explosions and smoking. This is going to be our moment, Dad. This is going to be our moment. This is going to be the most darkest Bond yet.

Sean: Will it be darker than the Roger Moore films?

Brian: Definitely.

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

(The title screen for "Licence to Kill" is shown while the theme music "Licence Revoked" by Michael Kamen plays in the background followed by clips from the film)

Sean: (Narrating) And so, Licence to Kill was born. The movie was released in theaters on July 14th, 1989 and it garnered a mixed reception. Some liked it, some didn't like it and say that this is the worst Bond movie ever and there are some that say that this is a good movie and it's pretty underrated. And I can share my experience with the film when I saw this movie on TBS, a couple of years ago and it was the film's exciting climax that I came across. And when I was 12 years old and really got into Bond, I recorded the movie on TBS and when I was 13, it was the first Bond movie that I owned on DVD. So now that I'm 30, I liked this movie and there were some moments that baffled me when I watched it again.

"Let's not waste any time because things are about to turn nasty. This is Licence to Kill." Sean said.

(The movie opens with the traditional gunbarrel sequence with some pretty intense music)

Sean: (Narrating) We get our traditional gunbarrel sequence with some pretty intense Michael Kamen gunbarrel score which is much different from John Barry's gunbarrel score.

(The gunbarrel music composed by Michael Kamen plays in the background)

"This is the type of gunbarrel sequence that would just wake you up in the middle of the night and pick a fight with you." Sean said.

(Cutaway Gag Starts)

(We see Sean and Taylor sleeping in bed together. Suddenly, the gunbarrel sequence wakes both Sean and Taylor up, causing Sean to fall out of his bed. Sean is seen in only his red and blue pajama shorts and no shirt while Taylor is seen wearing a green t-shirt and blue pajama shorts)

Sean: (Screams) AAAAHHHHH! (Falls out of bed)

Taylor: OH, MY GOD!

Sean: (V/O as Gunbarrel Sequence) Yeah, what's up, punk? Come on! Get up! You want some, bitch?! I'll fuck your shit up!

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

Sean: (Narrating) Afterwards, we open in the Bahamas where we see that an AWACS surveillance plane has detected an unauthorized plane landing in Cray Key, which alerts the DEA. Also, we get to hear the movie's producer Michael G. Wilson work in a swear word in the movie.

DEA Agent (Voiced by Michael G. Wilson): If they hurry, they just might be able to grab the bastard.

"Oh, my God. He just said a bad word in a James Bond movie. He can't say that word, can he?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narrating) While all that is going on, we see that Bond is in a car and he is on his way to the wedding of Felix Leiter, this time he's played once again by David Hedison, who previously played Felix Leiter in Live and Let Die.

Felix Leiter (Played by David Hedison): Now, you're sure you've got the ring?

(Bond reaches into his pocket and pulls out the ring)

James Bond: Relax, Felix.

Sean: (Narrating) But a Coast Guard helicopter arrives with some of Felix's DEA buddies Hawkins, played by Grand L. Bush, and Mullens played by the late Rafer Johnson, arrive to let him know that a man named Sanchez has arrived and that they've got the green light to catch the guy. So Felix goes with them and Bond tags along, leaving Sharkey, played by the late Frank McRae behind so he can tell the bride that the wedding is going to be delayed.

Sharkey (Played by Frank McRae): Hey, why me? Hey, you guys, you can't do this to me! What will I tell Della?

"Sharkey is one of my favorite characters in the movie. I just adore the guy. He's the most underrated character in a Bond movie. And yes, I know, he wasn't in any of the other Bond movies, but damn it, he should have." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the main villain of the movie, Latin drug lord Franz Sanchez, played brilliantly by Robert Davi, as he catches his girlfriend Lupe, played by the insanely hot Talisa Soto, in bed with another man.

Franz Sanchez (Played by Robert Davi): What did he promise you? His heart?

(Lupe stays silent)

Franz Sanchez: (To Dario) Give her his heart.

(Dario whips out his knife while him and two more of Sanchez's goons, Braun and Perez, take the man outside to cut out his heart)

Lupe Lamora (Played by Talisa Soto): No. No, Franz. I didn't mean any harm.

Franz Sanchez: It's alright, baby. No te preocupes, huh? We all make mistakes. Your escapades are getting more creative.

Lupe Lamora: Por favor, Franz.

Franz Sanchez: Not a word.

(Sanchez brutally whips Lupe's naked back. She is seen crying while we hear the man's screams from outside while he has his heart savagely cut out)

"I would like to point out that this is the first James Bond movie to be rated PG-13 and it definitely deserved it." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Originally, the film was supposed to be rated R, but the MPAA trimmed a few scenes to avoid an R rating. Not only that this movie is darker than the other Bond movies, you have some deaths that are pretty brutal for a PG-13 film.

(We cut to a scene where we see Sanches cut the intake pipe-hose of the pressurized chamber as Krest screams. This causes rapid decompression that results in Krest's head exploding)

"Yeah, it's kinda jarring to see that much violence in a Bond film. I mean, this is a family-friendly franchise that's known to be rated PG. And in the first five minutes of the film, we see the main villain whipping his girlfriend with a stingray's tail while his men cut out her lover's heart." Sean said.

(A clip from Everything Or Nothing: The Untold Story of 007 is shown)

Timothy Dalton: This is terrible! Can't even bring my six and seven year olds to see Bond anymore.

(A clip from Licence to Kill is shown, featuring Heller shooting Loti three time)

Timothy Dalton: Well, it was never made for six and seven year olds. Further out on a limb you go, the more exciting it is.

Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Sharkey arrives at the church to break the news to Felix's bride, Della Churchill played by Pricilla Barnes respectively, that the wedding is going to delayed.

Sharkey: He's still not here. Can you go around the block again?

Della Churchill (Played by Pricilla Barnes): What about the guests?

Della's Uncle (Played by Samuel Benjamin Lancaster): I told you this was a mistake!

"I said it before and I'll say it again. That man is not right for you. First of all, you should've married that Jack Tripper fella but you weren't interested in him." Sean said, imitating Della's Uncle while referencing the show Three's Company.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond, Felix and the DEA agents arrive on the site and they run into action in a bizarre slo-mo shot. (Sees Felix, Hawkins and Mullens running in a slo-mo shot) Really? You just had to throw in a slo-mo shot in the film, movie? I'm just completely baffled by this. Hell, two of Sanchez's men are looking at them like, "Why the hell are they running in slow motion?". A tense shootout starts and Bond is thrown into the action.

(Bond jumps out of the helicopter and takes cover behind some barrels while getting into a shootout with Sanchez's men. He shoots at the jeep, causing it to crash. Sanchez's men flee the scene, leaving Lupe behind while Bond goes to check on her)

Felix Leiter: Hey, Observer! You trying to get yourself killed?

James Bond: If I don't get you back for the wedding, I'm a dead man for sure!

(Lupe gets out of the jeep while Bond walks over towards her to check on her)

James Bond: You need help?

Lupe Lamora: No. Take your hands off me. Just go away.

"Uh, lady. He just saved your life. You could at least thank him. Bitch." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Sanchez flees in a plane as Bond and Felix give chase. And we get an awesome James Bond movie where Bond drops down the helicopter to grab Sanchez' plane, which inspired Christopher Nolan for his opening for The Dark Knight Rises. And I just love Michael Kamen's music score in this scene, I can rewind that scene over and over again to hear the guitar riff part in the James Bond theme. It's a terrific stunt and we don't have any back projection in sight. After capturing Sanchez, Bond and Felix parachute directly into Felix's wedding.

"Man, just be glad that it wasn't windy that day. Somebody would've went straight into somebody's car." Sean said.

(We see Bond parachuting down to the wedding. Instead we see him heading towards a car and we hear him screaming)

Felix Leiter: (V/O) You trying to get yourself killed?

(The opening credits are shown)

Sean: (Narrating) We then get our main titles sequence and this is the Maurice Binder's final Bond movie and we get some naked silhouetted women dancing and target sights moving around. This is also Richard Maibaum's final Bond movie before he died in 1991.

(The song "Licence to Kill" by Gladys Knight plays during the opening credits)

Sean: (Narrating) Gladys Knight sings the title song for the movie and it is another one of my favorites. I love that the first few notes of the song are like the updated 80s rendition of the Goldfinger theme.

(The opening credits to "Goldfinger" is shown while the first few notes of the song by Shirley Bassey plays. We then cut to the opening credits to "Licence to Kill" and we hear the first few notes of the song)

Sean: (Narrating) After the opening credits, we see that Sanchez is taken into custody and DEA agent Ed Killifer, played by Everett McGill, let's Tony Montana Jr. know that he's facing 139 felony counts and that he will be in jail for a long, long time and no bribe is going to get him out of this one. So, Sanchez just bribes the guy with $2 million dollars.

Franz Sanchez: 2 million, a standing offer for anyone who springs me.

Ed Killifer (Played by Everett McGill): Goddamn it! You think you're in some Banana Republic? All that scumbag money won't do you a bit of good here.

Franz Sanchez: Very good, but I think I'm going to be home soon, huh.

Ed Killifer: Why you?!

(Killifer charges at Sanchez but Hawkins stops him)

Hawkins (Played by Grand L. Bush): Get a hold of yourself!

Ed Killifer: We got a nice private cell waiting for your ass at Quantico, and I'm going to personally see you get there.

"Wow, Sanchez was being so chill in this scene. He's dropping bribes so casually and he finds this all very amusing and he knows good and well that he's gonna get out of this." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we cut to Felix and Della's wedding party, where Della…

(Della kisses Bond)

Della Churchill: That's a custom. You see, the bride always gets to kiss her best man.

(Della gasps as she almost bumps into the cake, but then Bond catches her)

James Bond: I thought it was the other way around.

Della Churchill: Oh.

(Della kisses Bond once more)

"Wanting to get the Vitamin D from Bond. Uh, is this a custom for the wedding? Does the bride get to kiss the best man?" Sean asked. "I'm sure that Bond is a handsome fella but there's no need to kiss him. You're a married woman and I don't think that Felix would be okay with Bond wanting to boink the bride. Hell, I've been to weddings before and I'm sure that I don't see the bride kissing the best man."

Taylor: (V/O as Della) You do know that it's also a tradition for the bride to have sex with the groom?

Sean: (V/O as Bond) Oh, my God. These American traditions are insane.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond enters Felix's home office, Bond bumps into Pam Bouvier. I guess she's the lost, good-looking sister related to Patty and Selma. (A picture of Patty and Selma from The Simpsons is superimposed next to Pam Bouvier). Turns out, she's finishing some business with Felix and we'll get back to her later on in the movie because she's a major important player in the film.

"Man, in fifteen minutes of the film, we've been introduced to every main character in the movie. Which is pretty unusual in a Bond film. Because, I'm sure that we see some characters later on to be introduced in the story." Sean said.

Felix Leiter: Sanchez hasn't been out of his home base for years.

James Bond: Well, couldn't you extradite him?

Felix Leiter: Not a chance. He's killed, intimidated or bribed half the government officials from here to Chile. There's only one law down there, Sanchez's law. Plomo o plata.

James Bond: Lead or silver.

Sean: (Narrating) Killifer shows up, very chipper after having a drug lord trying to bribe him with $2 million dollars, to congratulate Felix on his wedding day and that they're taking Sanchez down to Quantico where he will spend the rest of his life in.

Felix Leiter: Hey, stay and have a drink with us.

Ed Killifer: Can't. Got to get back. I just came by to kiss the bride.

"Christ. What is it with everybody wanting to fuck the bride?! I know that Felix's wife is hot and everything but damn. The saying is "You may now kiss the bride." not "You may now bang the bride"!" Sean exclaimed.

Sean: (Narrating) Felix hides an important disk in a picture of Della before we cut to the wedding party, where Sharkey gives them lures for when Felix goes fishing. Also, Felix and Della give Bond a very special gift, a lighter.

(A clip from Live and Let Die is shown)

James Bond (Played by Roger Moore): (After hearing Felix communicating to his car through a cigarette lighter) A genuine Felix Lighter. Illuminating.

(We see the lighter in Bond's hand, with the inscription that reads: "James. Love always, Della and Felix")

James Bond: James. Love always, Della and Felix.

Della Churchill: We love you. (Kisses Bond)

Sean: (Narrating) Lady, will you stop kissing James Bond?! You just kissed him right in front of your husband. Hell, I think your wife wants to jump Bond's bones.

(Bond tries out the lighter, that shoots out a strong flame)

"Yeah, a lighter that shoots out a strong flame. Yeah, I can see that from the tube connecting to the lighter, which is visible running down his sleeve." Sean said as we cut to the revealing tube that's connected to the lighter. "Yeah, and I just noticed that while I was watching this movie on Blu-Ray. Also, pay attention to this scene, because that lighter will be important later on in the movie."

Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Sanchez is being transported and accompanied in a convoy by armed troops, with Killifer joining in on the ride, but it turns out that Killifer is a corrupt DEA agent as he engineers a highly-orchestrated escape by sending the police van off a bridge that's under construction. Again, this is another scene that inspired Christopher Nolan in The Dark Knight.

"Dude, if you like to rip-off scenes from James Bond in your movies, you could at least direct a James Bond film." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Sanchez's men arrive to whisk the pair away from the scene before the Coast Guard and the lawmen catch them. Later that night, Bond is the last person to leave the wedding, but not before Della really puts her foot in it.

Della Churchill: Oh, James! I wanted you to have something. (Takes off her garter) You know the tradition? The next one who catches this is the next one who…

James Bond: No. No. Thanks, Della. It's time I left.

"Uh, Della. Ixnay on the marriage-ay." Sean said.

Della Churchill: Oh, James.

(Della tosses her garter to James. He catches it and stays silent and smiles at her before he leaves)

Della Churchill: Did I say something wrong?

Felix Leiter: He was married once, but it was a long time ago.

Sean: (Narrating) I like the fact that they brought up James Bond's marriage in this movie. He's still harboring grief over the death of his wife Tracy back in On Her Majesty's Secret Service. It's a great reference to Bond's past and I applaud the writers for adding that in there. And of course, Felix couldn't wait to give Della the Vitamin D on their wedding night, so he takes her into the bedroom, but then Sanchez's men show up and they're here for payback.

Felix Leiter: Let her go. I'm the one you want.

(Dario knocks out Felix while Della is taken captive by him and Braun)

Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the Ocean Exotica warehouse, where Sanchez is hanging out with one of his associates who runs this place named Milton Krest, played by Anthony Zerbe.

Milton Krest (Played by Anthony Zerbe): You got everybody looking for you. What about Killifer? Having a cop here is nuts! I want to deep-six him.

Franz Sanchez: I made a deal with this guy, and I'm going to keep my word.

Milton Krest: I don't like it. He can finger me.

"Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Yakko from Animaniacs.

Sean: (Narrating) And here we learn a very important trait that Sanchez has.

Franz Sanchez: Something you'd better understand, amigo, loyalty is more important to me than money.

"Loyalty. This is one of the most interesting aspects of the main villain. He's a very powerful and ruthless drug dealer, he's also a man of his word. He also pays Killifer $2 million dollars for springing him out." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) So Sanchez's men bring Felix into the warehouse, where Felix sees Sanchez and some asshole that looks like Benicio Del Toro.

"Wait a minute." Sean said before he recognizes a young Benicio Del Toro in the movie. "Holy shit, it is him!"

Sean: (Narrating) I'm not kidding. That's Academy Award winner Benicio Del Toro in a James Bond movie and he plays Sanchez's ruthless enforcer Dario. When I watched this movie when I started getting into Bond, I didn't even recognize him at first and it was a surprise to see him in a Bond movie and this is one of Del Toro's earlier roles before he became an Academy Award winning actor and man, does play this character well and I absolutely love his character.

Felix Leiter: Where's my wife?

Dario (Played by Benicio Del Toro): Don't worry. We gave her a nice honeymoon.

"Okay, I just love the way that he says "honeymoon". I get a chuckle every time I hear him say it." Sean chuckled a bit.

Franz Sanchez: I want you to know this is nothing personal. It's purely… business.

Sean: (Narrating) And this scene gets really dark when Sanchez decides to feed Felix to the shark.

Felix Leiter: Killing me won't stop anything, Sanchez!

Franz Sanchez: There are worse things than dying, hombre.

Felix Leiter: See you in hell!

Franz Sanchez: (Laughs) No. Today's the first day of the rest of your life.

(The shark bites off Felix's leg, in which we see the gruesome results)

Sean: (Narrating) The shark takes a bite off of Felix's leg and we see the gory detail for a PG-13 film. Also, that scene is closely modeled to what happened to Felix in Ian Fleming's novel Live and Let Die, it's a great callback to the novel. After that dark scene, Bond heads to the airport and before he goes on his plane, he learns that Sanchez has escaped. So he goes to Felix's house to check on him, only to find that the place has been ransacked and only to find his wife Della murdered and he finds Felix in his office, who's been maimed from that shark attack and finding a message that was left on him. But Felix is still somehow clinging on to dear life after some possible blood loss. Bond reunites with Sharkey and yet the authorities prove to be useless after they theorize Felix's attack.

Rasmussen (Played by Enrique Novi): You can bet it was a chainsaw. Columbians love to use them on informers. Hell, they sell more here than in the state of Oregon.

"Really? Can you tell the difference between a shark bite and a chainsaw, Sonny Crockett? Some kind of expert detective you are." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Sharkey is an expert on sharks because he knows a shark bite when he sees one. Then Hawkins shows up to tell Bond that Sanchez has vanished and he's got all of Felix's files and Bond wants him to find him but it won't be that easy because he's out of their jurisdiction. So, screw the law, Bond and Sharkey are on the case, so they both head to the Ocean Exotica warehouse with Bond talking to Krest about sharks.

Milton Krest: Unfortunately, we sold all our sharks years ago. As you can see, we do purely research now. It's a project to feed the third world. We feed maggots to our special breed of genetically engineered fish, use hormones to make them all male, gain weight faster.

(Bond looks around and notices the Shark Hunter II submarine in the corner)

James Bond: From your shark-hunting days?

Milton Krest: Uh, yeah. Actually, it's for sale. Look, I'm kind of busy. Maybe some other time.

(Bond looks back at the Shark Hunter II, then looks down on the floor and makes a suspicious look on his face)

James Bond: Thank you. I look forward to seeing you again. Goodbye, Mr…

Milton Krest: Goodbye.

(Bond leaves and the camera pans down to the floor and we see a wedding carnation on the floor while the "Dun-Dun-DUNNNNN!" sound effect plays in the background)

Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Bond and Sharkey return to the warehouse to do a bit more investigating as they see the Shark Hunter II leaving with Krest inside and it is being used to transfer people from the warehouse to Krest's yacht while Killifer waits impatiently. We then get a little jumpscare with the shark, then Bond makes it inside to do a little snooping when he finds some drugs hidden inside a large drawer of maggots.

Bill (Played by Jeff Moldovan): (Points his gun at Bond's head) Hold it, right there.

(Bill searches Bond and takes his gun)

James Bond: Do you mind if I get my hands out of here?

Bill: Yeah. Do it slowly.

(Bond tosses a handful of maggots in Bill's face and throws him into the drawer and closes it)

James Bond: Bon appetit.

(A second guard shows up and shoots at Bond with an MP5 submachine gun)

"Woah, hey! Tone it down, guy. I don't think this is a machine gun situation." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond dispatches the second guard by knocking him into an electric eel tank and he runs into Killifer, but with a little assist from Sharkey, Bond punches him into the shark tank to leave him hanging, but not before Killifer makes him a little offer.

Ed Killifer: There's $2 million in that suitcase. I'll split it with you.

(Bond grabs the suitcase and walks over to Killifer)

James Bond: (Coldly) You earned it. You keep it, old buddy.

(Bond throws the suitcase at Killifer, knocking him down into water, resulting in Killifer getting killed by the shark)

Sharkey: God, what a terrible waste… of money.

"Yeah, Bond. I mean, you could at least use the money to donate it to charity or to give Felix a prosthetic leg." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Bond heads over to Sharkey's, in which Sharkey gives him some information on Krest's yacht called the WaveKrest. Then, Hawkins shows up to talk to Bond after learning about Bond's escapades from last night and he's taken to the Hemingway House, where we see a mysterious figure surrounded by cats.

"Mysterious figure surrounded by cats. Oh, my God. It's Blofeld! But wait, didn't Bond drop Blofeld down that chimney in For Your Eyes Only? Which is another James Bond movie that I'll be reviewing later on in the future." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) No, it's not Blofeld. It turns out to be M, who's not at all happy with Bond going on a personal vendetta to bring down the drug lord and Bond does something quite shocking.

James Bond: Then you have my resignation, sir.

M: We're not a country club, 007. Effective immediately, your license to kill is revoked, and I required you to hand over your weapon. Now. I need hardly remind you that you're still bound by the Official Secrets Act.

James Bond: Well, then I guess it's… a farewell to arms.

"Nice little in-joke related to Ernest Hemingway's novel. I could come up with something better." Sean said.

Sean: (V/O as James Bond) Well, then I guess it's… the old man and the sea.

(Bond kicks the first agent, then pistol whips the second agent in the face. The third agent shoots at Bond while he escapes)

M: (Stops the first agent from shooting at Bond) Don't! Too many people.

"Really?! Too many people. Is that the reason why you don't want your best agent killed, you dick?" Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the WaveKrest, where we see a drunken Krest trying to make a move on Lupe. Man, the balls on that guy! Doesn't he know what happened to the one guy who Lupe slept with. What a sleazebag!

Milton Krest: You better watch yourself, girlie. I've known him a long time. I've seen a lot of girls like you come and go.

Lupe Lamora: You're drunk. Get out. (Walks over to the cabin door and opens it) And stop peeking through my windows.

"If she had her steel fans with her, she would've chopped his dick off in an instant." Sean said, referring to the Mortal Kombat character Kitana.

Sean: (Narrating) Okay, can we take time to appreciate how insanely hot Talisa Soto was in that movie? And also Carey Lowell, but we'll get to her later on in the movie. As much as I love Kara's doe-eyed innocence in The Living Daylights, Licence to Kill has some of the sexiest Bond girls in this movie. I mean, come on guys, damn! (A picture of Carey Lowell and Talisa Soto as Pam Bouvier and Lupe Lamora is shown superimposed) They manage to direct the blood to certain parts of your body.

(Bond infiltrates the WaveKrest while using a mantaray disguise)

Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Bond infiltrates the WakeKrest disguised as a mantaray.

"So many questions for me to ask. Where did he get the disguise from? Is it a disguise that he got from Q-Branch? Did he slaughter a real mantaray used it's carcass as a disguise? I need to know that." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) This clever trick works as Bond makes it aboard the WaveKrest and sneaks through the ship until he makes it into Lupe's cabin and interrogates her at knifepoint.

James Bond: What are you doing in here?

Lupe Lamora: Krest gave me his cabin. He's next door.

James Bond: Where's Sanchez?

Lupe Lamora: He's not onboard. I don't know where he is.

James Bond: You're his girlfriend.

Lupe Lamora: He doesn't tell me anything.

"He doesn't tell me about his business. Hell, he doesn't even tell me about his bank code for the ATM machine.

Sean: (Narrating) But then the body count rises when Bond sees that Sharkey has been killed by some of Krest's men, so now it's time for Bond to get some revenge.

(Bond grabs a harpoon gun and confronts the frogman)

James Bond: Compliments of Sharkey.

(Bond shoots the frogman with the harpoon gun and kills him)

"Fun fact: originally, Bond was supposed to laugh. But the producers felt that this was a little too dark for Bond to be doing that. Yet, I can imagine him laughing after he shoots the guy." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Sean: (Narrating) After that badass moment, we get an exciting action sequence involving Bond stabbing away at packs of cocaine underwater and ruining Sanchez drug shipment. Makes me wonder if the sea creatures are getting high on cocaine. We then get an exciting underwater battle between Bond and Krest's men and again, I just love Michael Kame's music score. And to top it all off, Bond shoots a harpoon at a plane and he's skiing on the water, without water skis. IT'S AMAZING!

(Bond sneaks aboard the seaplane and tosses the co-pilot from the cockpit)

Sean: (V/O as Co-Pilot) OH, NO! I'M FALLING!

(The pilot elbows Bond in the stomach to knock him down. The pilot then pulls out a Smith & Wesson Model 15 revolver on Bond and attempts to shoot him with it. Instead, he starts shooting a package of money)

(A clip from Ed, Edd n Eddy episode "Urban Ed" is shown)

Eddy (Voiced by Tony Sampson): MY MONEY!

Sean: (Narrating) Bond manages to throw the pilot out of the plane and he flies off and not to mention, he's flying off as a rich man because he ends up stealing five million dollars from Sanchez. Later, Bond sneaks into Felix's house to do some investigating when he finds the disc that Felix hid behind a framed picture of Della. And that disc happens to be loaded with evidence against Sanchez. Evidence like his Swiss accounts, US investments, warrants, indictments and also a list of informant, some are deceased except for one, and that person happens to be Pam Bouvier, who Felix was talking to earlier and he was supposed to meet her at Barrelhead, Bimini, in the West Indies. So Bond heads over to the Barrelhead Bar in Bimini to meet with Pam, played by Carey Lowell. Pam is an ex-CIA contract pilot and she's very familiar with some of Sanchez's operations.

Pam Bouvier (Played by Carey Lowell): Where's Leiter?

James Bond: Hospital, intensive care. Where you'll be if you don't get out of here fast. Sanchez has Leiter's files. Your name's all over them.

Pam Bouvier: Hell, I knew something was wrong. (Sees the two men at the bar) Those two have been at the bar for hours. Probably waiting to see who showed up to meet me.

"They were probably waiting for Richard Gere to show up. And yes, Carey Lowell used to be married to Richard Gere from 2002 to 2016. Lucky bastard." Sean said. "And she also played assistant district attorney Jamie Ross in Law & Order. How cool is that?"

Sean: (Narrating) But then trouble starts brewing when Dario shows up to look for Pam.

Pam Bouvier: (To Bond) You carrying?

(Bond opens his jacket and shows Pam his Walther PPK in a shoulder holster. Pam starts tsking and she shows Bond her Mossberg 500 shotgun underneath the table)

Pam Bouvier: If they start shooting, you just hit the deck and stay there.

"Lady, do you realize who you're talking to? This is a man who has a licence to kill. Well, he had a licence to kill but it's been revoked. Plus, he's a renegade agent on the run and out for blood. They would never mess with him." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Dario approaches Pam's table and offers her a job as a charter-plane pilot and because this guy is trouble, Bond is not going to sit there and put his hands on her.

James Bond: (To Dario) Take your hands off her. She's with me.

Dario: Nobody's asking you, gringo.

Pam Bouvier: (Points her shotgun at Dario's groin) He's with me. Keep your hands on the table.

(Dario smiles and laughs while Bond stares coldly at Dario before the waitress returns with their beers)

Barrelhead Waitress (Played by Edna Bolkan): Here we go. Two beers. That'll be $3.50. Do your friends want something?

Sanchez Thug: (Reaches into his jacket) Let me get it!

(Bond elbows the thug in his groin and slams his head down on the table, knocking him out)

James Bond: He's had enough. Run a tab.

Barrelhead Waitress: Okay.

"Yeah, that dude definitely looked like he had one too many cervezas." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Pam start a bar fight, which is weird because this is a bar fight in a Bond movie. When's the last time that we've seen a bar fight in a James Bond movie? Hell, Pam knows how to handle herself in that scene, she's kicking all sorts of ass. Let's not forget that we see Dalton's Bond bleed after some guy punches him in the face.

(A man punches Bond in the stomach and punches him in the face. We see him on the ground and he is bleeding from the corner of his mouth)

"Dude, come on. Didn't Q say to you, never let them see you bleed?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narrating) Pam shoots a hole in the wall as her and Bond make their escape.

James Bond: Come on!

(Pam runs over to the boat as Dario pulls out a gun and shoots her in the back)

"Well… shit. So much for that pointless character. I thought she was going to survive the whole movie." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) I'm just kidding. Luckily, Pam was wearing a kevlar vest to protect herself. Best Bond girl ever. Like I said, she knows how to handle herself, and Bond starts to argue with her about professionalism.

Pam Bouvier: Look, I just saved your life back there. If it wasn't for me, your ass would've been nailed to the wall.

James Bond: You saved my life?

Pam Bouvier: Yes.

James Bond: It's a tough business you've picked, Miss Bouvier. Leave it to the professionals.

Pam Bouvier: Look, pal, I was an army pilot. I have flown to the toughest hellholes in South America, and I will not let you lecture me about professionalism.

"That's right, Pam. You tell it to him! You're no Mary Sue. You're the badass version of Max Mayfield and Nancy Wheeler combined." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond asks for Pam's help to go after Sanchez, with Pam bargaining for a higher fare of seventy-five and the two join forces and…

(Pam kisses Bond)

James Bond: Now, why don't you wait until you're asked?

Pam Bouvier: Well, why don't you ask me?

(Bond and Pam kiss passionately for a second time)

Sean: (Narrating) …end up having sex. Well, that escalated quickly. We then cut to London. Oh, yeah. I forgot about London. Mostly, because this movie was filmed in Florida and in Mexico. Moneypenny is concerned about Bond after he went missing.

M: You know him better than that. He'll go after Sanchez. He's got to be stopped. I've already alerted our man in Isthmus. I want that out by this afternoon.

Moneypenny: Yes, sir. (Picks up the phone) Q-Branch, please.

"Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to Robert Brown's M and Caroline Bliss' Moneypenny, because it's the last time we'll see them again." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Isthmus City, where Bond and Pam check into a luxurious hotel suite, with Pam reluctantly posing as his executive secretary Miss Kennedy, a nice little reference to Jackie Kennedy. And I just love the expression on Carey Lowell's face. She's just giving him the death glare and in her mind, she's saying "Oh, up yours, you son of a bitch.". Anyway, Bond pays Pam for getting him there, but she wants to stick around because she won't be safe until Sanchez is pushing up daisies. Bond agrees to let her stay and he sends her off to get some new clothes to look the part of the executive secretary. Meanwhile, Bond heads down to a bank that Sanchez owns called Banco de Isthmus, to deposit some money.

James Bond: I've come to make a small deposit.

Montelongo (Played by Claudio Brook): Well, I'm sure my people downstairs are quite capable of…

(A man enters the room with the suitcase filled with money)

Montelongo: Please sit down.

"Ah, senor. I see you're planning on making a huge deposit. Mind if I ask where'd you get the money from?" Sean asked, imitating Montelongo.

Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, while Bond is at the bank, we see that Sanchez is there too, along with his accountant Truman-Lodge, played by Anthony Starke, and they're showing some potential investors around the bank.

Truman-Lodge (Played by Anthony Starke): We have a cash surplus of $10 million a day, which we ship, through our bank, to the U.S. Federal Reserve, thus establishing credits which can be used for any legitimate investment.

Franz Sanchez: See, someone has to help the gringos with their trade deficit.

Sean: (Narrating) While all that is going on, Bond deposits $4,900,000. Shit, that's a lot of money and then Pam shows up.

(Pam enters the room, her hair is cut short and she's wearing new clothes, looking more the part of Bond's secretary. Bond looks back at Pam and sees her, he then does a double take with a shocked look on his face)

"I just love Bond in this scene. We got one Shakespearean double take from Dalton. I guess the double take-pigeon from Moonraker taught him that. Hell, I was waiting for him to act like Beavis and Butt-Head." Sean said.

Sean: (V/O as Bond) Booiiiioioioioiong!

Pam Bouvier: Senor Montelongo.

Montelongo: Yes?

Pam Bouvier: I'm Ms. Kennedy, Mr. Bond's executive secretary.

James Bond: I'd also appreciate it if you could establish a line of credit for me at the casino. Shall we say $2 million?

Montelongo: No problem. You have excellent collateral, and our chairman also owns the casino.

"So Sanchez owns this bank and he also owns the casino as well. What's next? Does he own a private army? Wait, he owns Coke. The soda, not the white, powdery stuff. You all know what I meant." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Later, we get an insight on more of Sanchez's shady dealings where we see Wayne Newton playing the character Prof. Joe Butcher, appearing in a little telecast. Butcher is a crooked televangelist and he's holding a telethon to raise funds for his religious retreat called OMI. This telethon is a front for raising the price of cocaine, the price per kilo. Meanwhile, we see that Bond and Pam enter the casino as he plays blackjack and he has a lucky hand by winning $250,000, double down. So, Sanchez sends Lupe down to the casino to take the blackjack dealer's place.

(Lupe appears in a sexy low-cut red dress)

"HELLLOOOOOOOOO NURSE!" Sean said loudly. The young critic began to look down and notice that he was getting an erection from the sight of Talisa Soto's character. "Ummm… would you excuse me for a second?"

Sean gets up from off of the couch and leaves the room.

James Bond: Miss Kennedy, would you get me a medium-dry vodka martini?

Pam Bouvier: Well, why don't you ask…

James Bond: Shaken, not stirred.

Sean: (V/O as Bond) Suddenly, I'm in the mood for a smokin' hot Latina.

(While Pam goes to get Bond's drink, we see an Asian man and an Asian woman standing behind Bond)

Sean: (Narrating) Holy shit! Bond, look out! Shang Tsung is behind you! You're about to get your soul sucked!

"Don't worry, we'll talk about this guy later. But for now, let's watch Princess Kitana try to cheat Bond out of his money." Sean said.

James Bond: You're very professional.

Lupe Lamora: Used to work here.

James Bond: Am I going to win or lose?

Lupe Lamora: Lose, but not much.

(The Asian man and woman walk away from the blackjack table. We then cut to Pam at a bar getting Bond's drink)

Bartender: Vodka martini, que?

Pam Bouvier: (Does the hand gestures) Shaken, not stirred.

"Okay, that hand gesture alone looks like you want to give Bond a good wank before Lupe does. Oh, who am I kidding? You already gave him that on the boat." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond learns that Sanchez has sent Lupe down to the casino and find out more about him and she warns him to get the hell out of Isthmus City and never come back, but Bond wants to meet Sanchez.

Lupe Lamora: You loco? You'll get us both killed.

(Bond and Lupe head up to see Sanchez as they walk past Pam, leaving her alone with his vodka martini. She starts to drink it and makes a disgusted look on her face)

"Oh, great. You drank Bond's drink. That's what makes him a sexual tyrannisaurus in bed." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Lupe take Bond up to Sanchez's office and we're introduced to his head of security Colonel Heller, played by Don Stroud. So, Bond poses as a man looking for work as a hired gun.

James Bond: I help people with problems.

Franz Sanchez: Problem solver

James Bond: More of a problem eliminator.

(Both Bond and Sanchez start laughing before we cut to a clip from Die Hard, where we see both McClane and Hans Gruber laughing)

Franz Sanchez: Senor Bond, you got big cojones. You come here to my place, without references, carrying a piece, throwing around a lot of money. But you should know something. Nobody saw you come in, so nobody has to see you go out.

James Bond: Senor Sanchez, I could be very useful to a man in your position. And I understand you have a reputation for rewarding loyalty very well.

"I've heard about what happened to the last guy who was disloyal to you. I can't believe that he ate your chimichanga and tried to lie about it." Sean said, imitating Bond.

Sean: (Narrating) Intrigued with Bond, Sanchez suggest to him to wait a few days before he hires him, then he has Heller to run a background check on him. Meanwhile, Bond and Pam return to the hotel when the concierge tells him that his "uncle" has arrived. So, Pam gives Bond a gun so he can make a proper family reunion. But it turns out that his "uncle" happens to be Q, who's on leave and was sent by Moneypenny because she was worried about him. And I have to say this is Desmond Llewellyn's best work as Q in the entire series and it helps that the film is really using him in a most expanded role and they have Q out in the field to assist Bond on this personal mission and he's willing to help him out. Plus, Llewellyn is having so much fun in this movie.

(Q shows Bond a bag of gadgets from Q-Branch)

Q: Everything for a man on holiday. Explosive alarm clock. Guaranteed never to wake up anybody who uses it. Dentonite toothpaste, to be used sparingly. It's the latest in plastic explosive.

James Bond: I could do with some plastic.

"Yeah, just make sure you don't brush your teeth with it because it will get messy if you do." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Q shows Bond some more gadgets to us on his personal vendetta, including a neat little camera gun with an optical palm reader that only Bond can use and nobody else.

Pam Bouvier: Smile, boys. (Gets ready to take Bond and Q's picture)

Q: Don't use the flash!

(Q pushes Bond out of the way and he moves out of the way as well right when the Polaroid camera fires a laser from the flash and it hits a picture of President Hector Lopez)

Q: (Snatches the camera from out of Pam's hand) Gah! Stop fiddling about with things you don't understand! You might easily have killed him.

Pam Bouvier: (Looks at the photo, which shows an X-ray of Bond and Q) That's odd.

James Bond: Look, let's all get some rest, shall we? We've got a long, hard day ahead of us tomorrow. Goodnight, Q.

Pam Bouvier: Sweet dreams, Mr. Bond. (Shuts the door to her room)

(Bond looks over to Q heading to another room, then looks back at the room that Pam's in)

Sean: (V/O as Bond) Well, so much for me getting laid tonight.

Brian: (V/O as Q) Oh, deal with it, 007. We're going to be roomies.

Sean: (V/O as Bond) You ruined this night, old man.

Brian: (V/O as Q) Who are you calling, "old man", you violent, little shit?

Sean: (Narrating) The next night, Bond heads back to the casino as he prepares to assassinate Sanchez, while he sets everything up, Sanchez is having a meeting with a group of Asian businessmen, one of which includes a Japanese drug baron named Kwang, played by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, and Sanchez plans on increasing his drug ring.

Kwang (Played by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa): Senor Sanchez, since arriving, we've eaten well, heard many good stories, but before I pay anything, I want to see some hardware.

Franz Sanchez: Mr. Kwang, you don't pay for hardware. You pay for my personal guarantee and protection.

Kwang: Surely, if you were to invest $100 million, you would want some reassurance.

(The Asian businessmen start agreeing)

Franz Sanchez: You know, you're right. Why not? Tomorrow, I'll take you to our main distribution center.

"You want to know what's funny? You have Shang Tsung and Princess Kitana in the same movie. What's next, you're gonna add a reptile to the movie?" Sean asked.

(We see Sanchez sitting on the couch watching TV with his pet iguana sitting on his shoulder)

"Oh, eat my shorts, movie." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond positions himself in a building directly across from the casino as he sets up his camera gun, while we see the republic's leader President Hector Lopez, played by Pedro Armendariz Jr., the son of actor Pedro Armendariz who played Kerim Bey in From Russia With Love. And speaking of trusting people, Bond spies Pam meeting with Heller, which will be part of a little subplot that we'll talk about later.

James Bond: Watch the birdie, you bastard.

(Bond triggers the explosive, destroying the bulletproof glass)

Sean: (Narrating) Bond has Sanchez in his sights and he finally takes the shot and…

(A man starts shouting and attacks Bond, causing him to miss his shot at Sanchez. The man attacking Bond happens to be a martial arts ninja. Bond pulls out his gun but the ninja kicks it out of his hand and attacks him with kicks, knocking him down. The ninja picks up Bond's camera gun to shoot him, but it won't fire. Bond gets up and a second ninja appears to attack him)

We cut back to Sean, who looks very confused from what he just saw.

"WHAT?! NINJAS?! N-NINJAS?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! NINJAS, WHAT?!" Sean yelled out.

Sean: (Narrating) I don't know what kind of herb Michael G. Wilson and Richard Maibaum were smoking. Look, I know that putting ninjas in movies were big thing back in the 80s, but putting ninjas in a Bond film is just plain ridiculous. Their presence and the way that they were introduced doesn't fit well in the movie, it just came out of nowhere.

"You can just throw in disgruntled postal workers in the movie and it'll work just fine." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond gets knocked out and he is taken to their safehouse and it turns out that Kwang is a narcotics officer from Hong Kong and he's in league with a corrupt MI6 agent named Fallon, played by Christopher Neame.

"Christopher Neame. That name sounds oddly familiar and he looks so oddly familiar. Where have I seen him in? OH, MY GOD!" Sean exclaimed after realizing where he seen Christopher Neame in.

(A clip from the Shaq Fu commercial is shown)

Leader (Played by Christopher Neame): Shaquille O'Neal, aka Shaq! Shaquille bounty hunter, enforcer of justice. Left hand! Right hand! Register- (Gasps) Lethal weapons! Right foot, left foot! Size 22! (Shudders) Registered lethal weapons! (Laughs) This… is your target! (Laughs evily)

"Oh, my God! It's that overacting nutjob from the Shaq Fu commercial. RUN!" Sean screamed out.

Kwang: Who ordered you to kill Sanchez?

Fallon (Played by Christopher Neame): No one. He's a rogue agent. I've got orders to take him back, one way or the other.

Kwang: We're Hong Kong Narcotics, you bastard! Sanchez is taking us to the heart of his operations. I've been setting it up for years! (Grabs Bond) I just hope that little stunt of yours hasn't scared him off.

"Uh, I have one question: do y'all have to dress up as ninjas in Hong Kong Narcotics or is it just a Hong Kong thing?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narrating) But before Bond ends up having his soul sucked by Shang Tsung, the Isthmus army start firing at the house with a tank and killing everybody, including Fallon. But there are still some survivors.

(Loti sees some of the soldiers entering the safehouse and starts attacking one of the soldiers)

"Uh, I'm sorry, random person. Who the hell are you and why are you hijacking this movie?" Sean asked.

(Loti grabs the soldiers Colt M16A1 assault rifle and guns down the other soldier. Then, Heller fires his Browning Hi-Power pistol at Loti three times, killing her)

"Thank you, Don Stroud. Now, we can get this picture moving." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Sanchez finds Kwang and tries to interrogate him, but the narcotics officer kills himself with a cyanide pill, then he finds Bond, who's still alive and unconscious and Bond wakes up the next day to find himself in Sanchez's luxurious home and…

(Bond wakes up and sees a statue of a fish with a face on it)

"What the hell is that thing?!" Sean asked.

(A clip from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life is shown)

Fish #6 (Played by Terry Jones): Beats me.

Franz Sanchez: Hey, amigo! How do you feel?

James Bond: I'll survive.

Franz Sanchez: Lupe, please.

Lupe Lamora: (To Bond) The Wavekrest is arriving tonight. Krest is coming here.

"Well, thanks for the info, honey. I'm sure that Krest won't recognize him." Sean said.

Franz Sanchez: Well, we both had close calls last night.

James Bond: You were just in time. Things were about to turn nasty.

Franz Sanchez: Who were those guys?

James Bond: Freelance hit team.

Franz Sanchez: What did they want with you?

James Bond: One of them must have recognized me in the casino. They were afraid I'd warn you, spoil their plans.

Franz Sanchez: So you knew them.

Sean: (Narrating) Okay, is it just me or does it look like they're filming a commercial for Folgers. Hey, after a long day, I definitely need a cup. So anyway, Bond continues to play a very dangerous game by appealing to Sanchez' paranoia, by telling him that the assassins were "well-briefed" by someone on the inside of Sanchez' operation, hinting Krest. Then, Lupe smuggles bond back into the city and he returns to the hotel to confront Pam about her little meeting with Heller and here we get our little subplot for the film.

Pam Bouvier: Sanchez has arranged to buy four Stinger missiles from the Contras, and he's threatened to shoot down an American airliner if the DEA doesn't lay off.

James Bond: What's that got to do with you and Heller?

Pam Bouvier: Felix gave me a letter at his wedding from the Attorney General granting Heller immunity if he gets the Stingers back.

James Bond: Did he go for the deal?

Pam Bouvier: Yes. And then you missed Sanchez, and Heller panicked and he said the deal was off…

"So we went from drugs to Stinger missiles and Sanchez' scheme sounds a bit odd and a little out of character. That dude is resorting to terrorism." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) I love the fact that there's more to this than Bond's revenge story and even Pam points that out.

Pam Bouvier: There's more to this than your own personal vendetta.

Sean: (Narrating) With Pam and Q's help, Bond leaves the hotel and withdrew all his money from the bank. Later that night, Krest arrives while Bond and Pam sneak aboard the Wavekrest while Krest is telling Sanchez about what happened, but then one of Sanchez' men informs him on what he's found and he finds the money hidden in the decompression chamber.

Milton Krest: That's not my money. I swear.

Franz Sanchez: That's right, amigo. It's mine. (Grabs Krest) You think I'm stupid, huh? You rip me off, then use my on money to pay someone to kill me? You want it so bad? Then take it!

(Sanchez throws Krest inside the decompression chamber as Braun closes the door to lock him inside)

Milton Krest: What are you doing? Wait. Let me talk. It's not my money!

"Hey, remember that scene in Scanners where Michael Ironside made that dude's head explode? Well…" Sean said.

(Heller hands Sanchez a fire ax)

Milton Krest: Please, Franz. No!

(Bond watches as Krest continues to plead for his life until Sanchez cuts the intake pipe-hose. Krest screams, causing rapid decompression, making his head explode and we see blood splattering the porthole window)

"Oooh, nasty!" Sean said, imitating Treguard, the Dungeon Master from Knightmare.

Perez (Played by Alejandro Bracho): What about the money, patron?

Franz Sanchez: Launder it.

"Oh, yeah. Let's launder some money that's covered in somebody's brain matter. I'm sure nobody would freak out." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bond returns to Sanchez' villa and Sanchez pays off Bond for his tip that led to Krest and also he wants him to come with him to a little surprise. After Sanchez leaves, Bond tries to leave but Lupe stops him.

Lupe Lamora: James, don't go. I'm scared. What's gonna happen to us?

James Bond: Don't worry. When this is all over, I'll make sure you get back home.

Lupe Lamora: Home? It took me 15 years to get away from there. I don't wanna go back. Can't we leave together? I'll be safe with you.

(Lupe kisses Bond)

James Bond: No, Lupe. I don't think that would work out.

Lupe Lamora: How can we tell unless we try?

(Bond and Lupe kiss)

Lupe Lamora: I think it's gonna work out very well.

(Bond and Lupe kiss passionately before making love)

"Ah, yes. Macking on a drug kingpin's girlfriend. That dude's got some big cojones." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Lupe arrives at Bond's hotel to tell Pam that James is in danger and that he stayed the night with her and I do love the expression on Q's face after she mentions that she slept with Bond. Oh, and also Franz is taking him on a little trip and Lupe loves James so much, she don't know what she'll do if something bad happens to him. Well, at least Pam is taking it quite well for a jealous woman.

Pam Bouvier: Bullshit.

"She said a bad word on a Bond movie. Can she say that? She can't say that." Sean said, looking shocked.

Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Q informs Pam that Bond and Sanchez' motorcade have left and Pam pursues them in a crop duster. They arrive at the Olimpatec Meditation Institute, which is Professor Joe Butcher's profitable front for his drug business and I have to say that this is one of the most impressive villain bases ever. Also, we see how they smuggle the drugs out by putting them in a grinder and they're dissolved completely in ordinary gasoline to make it undetectable. Also, Sanchez shows up with Dario and Heller. Oh, I'm sure that he won't recognize him. Meanwhile, Pam arrives with a purse full of money and she meets with him and he takes her to his humble sanctuary and she seduces him.

Pam Bouvier: I brought you another surprise.

Professor Joe Butcher (Played by Wayne Newton): I love surprises. Where is it?

(Pam raises her skirt, revealing her garter belt)

Sean: (V/O as Professor Joe) Oh, Danke Schoen indeed.

(Pam pulls out a gun and points it at Professor Joe)

Professor Joe Butcher: Look, this really isn't necessary.

(Pam shoots at a framed photo)

Pam Bouvier: Give me the keys.

(Professor Joe gives Pam the keys and she leaves with a meditation robe before leaving)

Professor Joe Butcher: Bless your heart.

"Okay, that line and that scene alone was worth it." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) During the tour through the drug lab and seeing how the drugs are being made, Dario recognizes Bond and points a gun at his back, but Bond headbutts Dario and he starts a fire, ruining Sanchez' plans.

Franz Sanchez: You disappoint me. Who are you working for, huh? Tell me. You don't wanna talk?

Sean: (Narrating) Bond stays silent and Sanchez tries to have him killed by putting him on the conveyor belt and have him shredded with the cocaine. But Bond tries to get into his head and he mentions the Stingers.

Franz Sanchez: What do you know about Stingers?

"Well, they operate as an infrared homing surface-to-air missile. That's what I know about Stingers." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Sanchez escapes with his men while Bond hangs on to dear life while Dario tries to kill him, but then an angel is there to save Bond's life.

(Dario looks up and sees Pam)

Dario: (Laughs) You're dead.

Pam Bouvier: You took the words right out of my mouth.

(Pam shoots at Dario twice. Her gun jams as Dario laughs. Bond grabs Dario by his boot, making him tumble into the conveyor and into the chute as he grabs Bond's legs)

Dario: (Screams) Sanchez!

(We see Dario getting shredded by the grinder as he screams for Sanchez to turn the machine off until he dies)

Pam Bouvier: Are you alright?

James Bond: Switch this bloody machine off!

"Well, at least you could say that he was trying to keep up the daily grind." Sean said as the audience stays silent.

"You suck, Archer!" An audience member shouted.

Sean gets irritated as he pulls out a Smith & Wesson Model 66 magnum and points it at him.

"Care to say something, bitch?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narrating) After that most brutal death in the movie, Sanchez finds Heller moving the Stingers from his helicopter and claims that he's making sure that they're secure. Oh, I'm sure that nothing bad will happen to him.

(The words "A Few Minutes Later…." is shown )

Narrator: A few minutes later….

(A forklift crashes through a wall behind Bond and Pam and they find Heller, who's been impaled on the forks of the forklift)

Pam Bouvier: Oh, God. It's Heller.

James Bond: Yeah. Looks like he came to a dead end.

(A clip from Stranger Things is shown)

Dustin Henderson (Played by Gaten Matarazzo): Whoa. Too far.

Steve Harrington (Played by Joe Keery): Not cool. Sorry.

Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to the climax of the movie and this is what I came across when I first watched this movie on TBS and they were doing their James Bond marathon and I thought that it was awesome. And trust me, it is awesome. Bond and Pam go after the tankers and Bond tries to go after Sanchez in one of the tanker trucks is phenomenal stuff and its a long sequence with some great driving stunts and phenomenal stunt work and watching this scene again when I was 12 years old, I was hyped to see that scene. If I saw that in the cinema, I would be cheering my head off. And we get some great fiery explosions and I love the part where Sanchez just loses it on Truman-Lodge and we get one of my favorite lines from Robert Davi.

Truman-Lodge: Brilliant! Well done, Franz. Another $80 million write-off.

Franz Sanchez: I guess it's time to start cutting overhead.

(Sanchez shoots and kills Truman-Lodge with his Micro Uzi)

Sean: (Narrating) Bond finally manages to catch up with Sanchez after he shoots down Pam's plane with a Stinger missile and Bond and Sanchez have a fight to the death atop the tanker truck until it careens down an incline and overturns. Bond tries to crawl away, but then Sanchez finds him and gets ready to kill him with his machete, but Bond has a little something for him.

Franz Sanchez: You could have had everything.

James Bond: Don't you want to know why?

(Bond pulls out the lighter that Felix and Della gave him. We then see a picture of Sanchez followed by a picture of gasoline followed by a picture of fire and a clip from the Tom & Jerry short "The Zoot Cat" is shown)

Tom Cat (Voiced by William Hanna): Hey. Something is burning around here!

(Bond sets Sanchez on fire which cases the remaining leaked gasoline to explode)

Sean: (Narrating) Pam catches up with Bond and they drive back to Isthmus City and we see Felix, who's looking rather chipper after his wife was murdered by some goons. And somehow M restored his former job with the British Secret Service. Lupe thanks James and she kisses him, with Pam seeing this, she runs off crying and instead of going for Kitana, he goes for Jamie Ross.

(Bond jumps in the pool next to where Pam is standing and he pulls her in and the two kiss)

Pam Bouvier: Why don't you wait until you're asked?

James Bond: So, why don't you ask me?

(Bond and Pam kiss as the camera pans over to the giant fish fountain that winks at the camera while the song "If You Asked Me To" by Patti LaBelle plays during the end credits)

"So that was two of Timothy Dalton's Bond films and do they still hold up pretty well? To answer that, yeah." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) There were some mixed reviews of Dalton's portrayal of Bond that they were not ready for. But years from now, people enjoyed Daniel Craig's edgy portrayal of Bond, but come on, give Dalton some credit, he did start the darker, edgy Bond way before Craig. And these films from Dalton are at his finest. It's a shame that they didn't do a third Bond movie with Dalton, but because of the studio's legal troubles, the film didn't happen. These films are still pretty good today and they are my absolute favorites aside from GoldenEye, which is still my number one favorite Bond movie. If you want to check them out, then give them a watch. You'll definitely enjoy them. The Living Daylights and Licence to Kill come in at 4 electronic key finders out of 5.

"That's all the time we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.

Mayhem Critic Tagline- Why didn't you learn the violin?

Whew! Talk about the longest review that I've worked on and I'm sure that it was worth the wait. I hope that you all enjoyed the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic, because I had a lot of fun writing this. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean celebrates the 30th anniversary of one of his favorite animated shows of all time. And that show is none other than Batman: The Animated Series and he has a big surprise in store. After that review, I will be taking a little break. But don't worry, I will be back with more reviews for The Mayhem Critic and Sean will be back with Halloween Havoc V. Here's some of the movies that I will be reviewing for Halloween Havoc V:

The Silence of the Lambs

Misery

Tales From the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood

Scream 4

The Exorcist III

So, do you like the films that I've picked out for Halloween Havoc V? If there's a movie from the list that you want to co-review with me, then feel free to PM me if you're interested. Don't forget to review this chapter and follow this story for more updates and add it to your favorites. I'll see you guys next time for the next chapter. Till next time, my fellow readers.