The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you yet another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and Halloween Havoc V continues as Sean the Mayhem Critic enters the world of Tales From the Crypt, a little follow-up to Demon Knight, a little movie called Bordello of Blood. A movie filled with hot vampire chicks, boobies, gore, humor and Dennis Miller. Will it be as much fun and entertaining as Demon Knight? We'll find out today. So sit back and enjoy this hilarious new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Tales From the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood is owned by Universal Pictures.
Halloween Havoc V Part 3: Bordello of Blood
(The opening for Halloween Havoc V plays out while the X-Files theme plays in the background, featuring images of Mother from Psycho II, the Silver Shamrock logo, the Sanderson Sisters, Ghostface, Tar-Man and Chucky)
After the opening for Halloween Havoc V ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room as usual, wearing his Hellfire Club shirt. He turns his attention towards the camera as he prepares his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before moving on to today's topic. "Have I talked about Tales From the Crypt yet?"
(The title screen for the show "Tales From the Crypt" is shown, followed by certain clips from the show while the theme music by Danny Elfman plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) I don't know why I haven't talked about this show, but it seems like it's the right time to do so. Tales From the Crypt was a horror anthology show that aired on HBO from 1989 to 1996. Based on the horror anthology comic by William Gaines and Al Feldstein, the show was executive produced by some Hollywood legends like Richard Donner, David Giler, Walter Hill, Joel Silver and Robert Zemeckis. The show is hosted by the wisecracking corpse known as the Cryptkeeper, who's performed by various puppeteers and he's voiced by Buster Bunny himself…
(A picture of Buster Bunny's voice actor, Charlie Adler, is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) No, the one after Charlie Adler.
(A picture of John Kassir is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) There we go. I absolutely love this character. What makes him famous is that he hosts the show and he whips out some hilarious puns.
(Various clips of the Cryptkeeper is shown)
The Cryptkeeper (Voiced by John Kassir): (After cutting someone's ear off with a pair of scissors) Shave and a haircut, two bits! (Laughs hysterically)/Dying for a date? Aching for a little prick of… (Shoots an arrow) passion?/Wanna play Doctor? Then open wide and say AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (Laughs hysterically)/What's your problem, soldier? You some kind of mummy's boy?/I'm Fearest Gump. Hi, care for a shockolate?/Talk about trial and terror.
Sean: (Narrating) The show is filled with some notable guest stars. Academy Award-winning actors and A-list celebrities. And there's a lot to list. Since it's a show on HBO, it is packed to the brim with graphic violence, sex, foul language and nudity. Ah, gotta love HBO. The show was so successful, it led to Universal Pictures to make a three-picture deal to produce three Crypt-branded feature films.
(Various clips from the film Demon Knight is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The first film that was released was Demon Knight, which came out January 13th, 1995. The film was pretty successful in theaters and it managed to find the right mix of horror and comedy, topped off with an entertaining cast like Billy Zane, William Sadler, Jada Pinkett Smith, Dick Miller, Charles Fleischer, Thomas Haden Church, CCH Pounder and Dick Miller and you can see that the cast is having tons of fun with their roles.
"It's a pretty entertaining film and I highly recommend it. It's on Peacock right now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) What people didn't know was that Demon Knight was actually supposed to be the second film in the planned trilogy of Tales From the Crypt movies. The sequel that the Crypt Keeper announced in the post-credits scene at the end of Demon Knight was called Dead Easy, also known as Fat Tuesday. It was going to be a New Orleans zombie romp and it was planned to open on Halloween. And the third film in the trilogy was called Body Count. But none of those sequels were made.
"And we were given Bordello of Blood, which people didn't care for." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Bordello of Blood" is shown, followed by various clips from the movie while the song "Bordello of Blood" by Anthrax plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on August 16, 1996. Well, what do you know? Just in time for Women's Equality Day. Critics and fans weren't too kind to this movie. Yet, it managed to get a cult following. Now, I'm sure that I can find something good about this movie because this is a Tales From the Crypt movie because it's packed with gore, humor, vampires, boobies, Dennis Miller and lasers, and yes, this movie contains all those things. As much as I love Demon Knight, I'm sure that I'll enjoy this movie.
"Let's see if this movie sucks. Boy, that's a cringeworthy pun that I just made. This is Tales From the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood." Sean said.
(The movie opens with the Universal Pictures logo. After the logo is shown, the opening scene is shown where it takes place in the Amazon. The caption "Tierra del Fuego" is shown on the screen. This is the opening we get instead of seeing the iconic Tales From the Crypt opening)
Sean: (Narrating) Right after the Universal Pictures logo is shown, the movie opens with the traditional Tales From the Crypt open… (Sees that the intro is not shown) …wait, what the fuck?!
"Uh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I put in Raiders of the Lost Ark by mistake. What is that shit?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Are you really going to start a Tales From the Crypt movie without the Tales From the Crypt opening. That's the best part! (Cut to Demon Knight, the Tales From the Crypt intro is shown) Remember how excited we were after we saw the Tales From the Crypt intro in Demon Knight? We were so hyped to see that.
"And that theme song is a part of my childhood. Don't judge me, I'm a truly disturbed kid." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) In this one, they just screwed us. This movie opens in some random jungle.
"Can you imagine me doing a review and they don't show the intro to my show and it jumps straight with me in a random area?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that…
(Sean stops talking as he realizes that he's in the Upside Down and he's surrounded by Demodogs, Demogorgons, Demobats, the Mind Flayer and Vecna, all while the Stranger Things theme plays in the background)
Sean: (Looks at the camera) Oh, shit. I should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) We see a group of treasure hunters, led by some guy named Vincent Prather, played by Phil Fondacaro, as we see them looking for treasure. Because really, what do you think they'll be looking for besides treasure, huh?
Miguel (Played by Eli Gabay): It's a good thing you didn't tell us this is where you wanted to come.
Vincent Prather (Played by Phil Fondacaro): Why is that, toad boy?
Miguel: Because we wouldn't have. This place is dangerous.
(A clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark is shown)
Satipo (Played by Alfred Molina): Senor, nobody's come out of there alive.
Sean: (Narrating) They start digging and they enter a cave, where they happen to find some treasure. Actually, something much better than treasure. It's a coffin and they find a skeleton inside.
Miguel: (After opening the coffin and sees the skeleton) What the fuck!
"Isn't that the initial response from people who saw that movie?" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This skeleton happens to be the mother of all vampires named Lilith. Now, there are some assembly required and luckily for Vincent he has the missing pieces. So he pulls out a box that contains Lilith's heart, that is cut into four pieces and we get a pretty decent effect of the heart forming.
(Vincent places the heart inside Lilith's corpse as they watch her heart beating)
Miguel: H-How are you doing that?
Vincent Prather: What can I say, boys? I know how to turn a woman on.
(All of a sudden, Lilith's heart stops beating)
Vincent Prather: Damn. That's not supposed to happen.
"I think you need to put in some new batteries in order to make it work." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Lilith comes to life and she starts killing everybody by ripping one guy's heart out and eating it and then crushes the other guy's head and make him turn into Ronny Cox from Total Recall. But then Vincent pulls out the only thing that would keep Lilith in check. And that item is the key… from the first film.
"To quote Stranger Things…" Sean said.
(A clip from the Stranger Things episode The Piggyback is shown)
Max Mayfield (Played by Sadie Sink): (Confused) What?
"Okay, if you're probably wondering how the first film fits in with this movie… it doesn't." Sean said.
(A clip from Demon Knight is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) In Demon Knight, the key was a powerful artifact that will cause the end of the world if the demons ever got their hands on it. (Cut back to Bordello of Blood) In this one, it's the only thing that subdues Lilith. So yeah, there's no mention of Brayker or the demons or anything. I think the filmmakers just had the key prop lying around and thought, "Yeah, let's throw in the key in this movie. I'm sure nobody would notice.". So after Lilith kills a guy with a tongue to his ass, I think, we see that it's a story being told by the Mummy, played by William Sadler.
"Hey, at least we got one actor from Demon Knight. Can we get Billy Zane to cameo in this one? Because I need my Billy Zane fix." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the Cryptkeeper, played by John Kassir, is having lunch with the Mummy and he is getting bored out of his mind and not interested in hearing his stories.
Mummy (Played by William Sadler): You know the last picture that I directed made a fortune. And I don't need to tell you what a piece of shit that was.
Cryptkeeper: (V/O) No, you don't. I know what a piece of shit it was.
"Oh, come on. This is just the beginning of the movie. I'll let you know what a piece of shit the movie was at the end." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Mummy challenges the Cryptkeeper to a little game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, in which the Mummy wins by cutting off the Cryptkeeper's hand and while they move onto round two, the Cryptkeeper addresses the audience with tonight's frightening tale.
Cryptkeeper: He's about to meet the ghoul of his dreams in a nasty bit of scarnal knowledge I call… Bordello of Blood.
Sean: (Narrating) The story starts at the home of Katherine Verdoux, played by Erika Eleniak, who's busy exercising and being a good Christian while living with her delinquent brother Caleb, played by Corey Feldman, who I swear he looks like one of the Lost Boys instead of playing Edgar Frog.
Katherine Verdoux (Played by Erika Eleniak): Where are you going?
Caleb Verdoux (Played by Corey Feldman): You're my sister, not my parole officer.
Katherine Verdoux: Yeah, well a parole officer's exactly what you need.
Caleb Verdoux: Fuck you.
"I don't need to take this crap from you, I was on The Goonies, damn it." Sean said, imitating Caleb.
Sean: (Narrating) Katherine begs Caleb to stay home and not get into trouble, but instead he goes out to hang out with his friends at a bar and spends his time throwing darts at his buddy Reggie, played by Matt Hill, who you might recognize him as the voice of Ed from Ed, Edd 'n Eddy.
Buddy #1: Hey, five bucks if you hit him in the nuts.
Caleb Verdoux: Five dollars?
Buddy #1: Five bucks in the nuts.
Caleb Verdoux: Are you serious?
Reggie (Played by Matt Hill): What?
Buddy #1: Five bucks in the nuts, man.
Reggie: Hey, six bucks if you don't.
Caleb Verdoux: Six dollars? We got six dollars over here.
Buddy #2: Fuck that. Ten dollars.
Caleb Verdoux: Ten fuckin' dollars. You got it.
Reggie: Sixteen dollars if you don't.
Caleb Verdoux: Sixteen dollars.
"How about $20 and I'll throw in one of those big-ass jawbreakers." Sean said as he holds up a $20 bill in his hand.
(Caleb throws the dart at Reggie and manages to hit him in the nuts)
Reggie: (Screaming) Son of a bitch!
(A sound clip from Ed, Edd 'n Eddy plays)
Ed (Voiced by Matt Hill): Didn't see that. (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) Caleb and his good-time buddies are busy drinking their beers until they are accosted by this weird guy named Jenkins, played by Kim Kondrashoff, who ends up overdelivering every line that he says and it is annoying. I swear, this is the most annoying character in this movie.
Jenkins (Played by Kim Kondrashoff): Boys, I know a place not too far from here where you can get the best goddamn piece of ass in the whole goddamn world. They got girls that'll do things there aren't even names for.
Buddy #2: Why don't you get fucked?
(Jenkins grabs Caleb's buddy)
Jenkins: I'm talkin' about gettin' fucked so good you might be able to crawl home three days later.
"Jesus, I've heard of chewing the scenery but that dude's acting is just ridiculous. He's swallowing the whole scenery." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Interested in getting some ass, Caleb and Reggie head down to the McCutcheon Funeral Home, because when I think of whorehouses, I think of necrophilia.
Reggie: You think there's a party going on inside?
Caleb Verdoux: I don't know, but if one member of the Addams Family opens the door, I'm outta here.
We then cut back to Sean as he stares at the camera with a surprised look on his face while he stays silent for a bit after hearing that line.
Caleb Verdoux: I don't know, but if one member of the Addams Family opens the door, I'm outta…
"No, no, no! No need to play that back. Because there is no way that I am never, ever, ever going to play that clip to go with that scene. There is no chance in hell, that I'm doing that. You can just…." Sean said.
(A clip from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III is shown)
Donatello (Voiced by Corey Feldman): Hey, you were expecting maybe, uh, the Addams Family?
"Goddamn it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They are welcomed by the funeral home keeper named McCutcheon, played by Aubrey Morris, who lets them inside. Yeah, I'm sure that this place doesn't look shady.
McCutcheon (Played by Aubrey Morris): I hope you boys are ready to have fun. (Opens the door) Just the thought of all that naked flesh waiting for you. Ooh. I'd join you myself, but somebody has to watch the door. Been so busy tonight.
Caleb Verdoux: Yeah, looks like a packed house to me.
Reggie: Yeah.
McCutcheon: Come on, boys. Keep up, keep up.
Caleb Verdoux: This guy's pretty fucking creepy.
(McCutcheon opens the curtains to reveal an open coffin)
Caleb Verdoux: Oh, my God. It's a necrophiliac's wet dream.
"Well what did you expect, dumbass? You're in a goddamn funeral. If some creepy guy came up to you at a bar and said this to you…." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Jenkins) I know a place where you can get the best goddamn pussy in town.
"...he ends up sending you to a pet store in town and you would know that he's talking about bestiality." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Caleb and Reggie go in the coffin and they go through the Bordello of Blood ride and here we get what the movie is trying to 1-up Demon Knight with….
(A beautiful woman opens the coffin as Caleb and Reggie look up)
Reggie: Are we dead yet?
(We get a shot of a woman's bare breasts exposed in a very skimpy outfit. Her breasts are censored with a black bar with a caption that reads: "NSFYT! Not Safe For YouTube!")
Caleb Verdoux: I think we've died and gone to heaven.
"BOOBIES!" Sean yelled out. "Okay, okay. I know that Demon Knight has boobies in it, but this movie, they just have it thrown in your face."
Tallulah (Played by Juliet Reagh): Hi, boys.
Caleb Verdoux: Hi, girl.
Tallulah: How would you like to take the skin express to Tuna Town?
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Did I mention that it was written by Bob Gale & Robert Zemeckis? Yeah, the guys that wrote the Back to the Future trilogy wrote clever dialogue like this.
Tallulah: How would you like to take the skin express to Tuna Town?
"Don't worry, it'll be a memorable line like Great Scott." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Richie goes to get lucky with some chick and we see that she has a vampire bite mark on her neck. Turns out this brothel is run by the smokin' hot Lilith, played by Angie Everhart, and she decides to get a little taste of Ed.
"Oh, Christ. It sounds like a bad episode of Ed, Edd 'n Eddy." Sean said.
(We cut to a fake title card that says A Little Taste of Ed while music from Ed, Edd 'n Eddy plays in the background. Afterwards, we cut back to the movie where we see Lilith kissing Reggie as she slips her tongue inside his mouth and down his throat. Reggie starts choking until Lilith kills him by ripping his heart out with her tongue)
Lilith (Played by Angie Everhart): Don't eat your heart out, baby. That's my job.
(Lilith bites into Reggie's heart with her fangs)
"Bu… bu… bu… buttered to-oast." Sean said, imitating Ed.
Sean: (Narrating) Caleb is about to get lucky with some hot vampire chick when Lilith shows up for a threesome, his fate unknown. A week has passed since Caleb's disappearance and Katherine goes to the police to ask them to look for him until she comes across a private investigator named Rafe Guttman, played by Dennis Miller.
"Okay, is this Saturday Night Live-Dennis Miller or Fox News-Dennis Miller? Because if this is Fox News-Dennis Miller that I'm dealing with here, then I'm gonna have to end this review and call it a day." Sean said.
(A picture of Dennis Miller in Saturday Night Live is shown with a caption that reads: "Saturday Night Live-Dennis Miller")
"Oh, thank God." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As much as I love Billy Zane in Demon Knight and seeing him having so much fun as The Collector, I happen to enjoy Dennis Miller in this one, he's the most enjoyable part of the movie. He plays the character perfectly as a smarmy private dick, which is perfect for him because being a dick in public. I've read some behind the scenes trivia about this movie on IMDB that Corey Feldman said that Miller was rude and disrespectful to the cast and crew. Hell, Dennis Miller once stole a van from the transportation department and left the set. Yeah, I can see why he's a dick. Look, Dennis Miller may be a prick on-set but you know what he's the best thing about this movie. His character has this smarmy, don't give a shit-attitude and his humor actually made this movie for me.
"Dennis, I love you and your rants. You're awesome in my book." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rafe introduces himself to Katherine, but she's not sure that she's actually ready to hire someone to look for her brother. Come on, he's an expert in finding missing people.
Katherine Verdoux: Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to talk.
Rafe Guttman (Played by Dennis Miller): Of course it wouldn't. And I'll be gentle. And, you know, I can't believe it, but I'm actually going to ask a woman this: uh, haven't I met you somewhere before? Must be my imagination.
"No, Rafe. It's not your imagination. You probably recognized her from her memorable scene in Under Siege." Sean said, referencing Erika Eleniak's character and the scene that Sean mentions is shown featuring her character named Jordan Tate, popping out of the cake and starts stripping. "Or you probably recognized her as the blonde girl in the classroom that Elliot kissed in E.T., or probably you might recognize her in The Beverly Hillbillies movie, take your pick. I still say that you recognized her in Under Siege."
Sean: (Narrating) Katherine is reluctant to hire Rafe at first, but Rafe charms her into hiring him.
Rafe Guttman: I don't want paid for my time, I want paid for helping you. Like it or not, Katherine, I'm all you've got.
"Yeah, who else are you gonna hire, Kevin Nealon or that schmuck who made Hubie Halloween with the kid who got kidnapped by the Demogorgon?" Sean asked, imitating Rafe.
Sean: (Narrating) Rafe goes down to the bar where Caleb was hanging out at on the night of his disappearance and starts asking some questions about Caleb, but one of Caleb's buddies named Zeke, played by Robert Munic, doesn't know where Caleb is at, but luckily another buddy of Caleb's tells Rafe that Caleb and Reggie went to a whorehouse to get laid, so he heads down there to check it out during the middle of the day, where a wake is being held and he sits next to… (Sees that Rafe is sitting next to Jenkins, who's wearing glasses and putting on sunblock) …oh Christ. Not this asshole again.
Jenkins: It's so fuckin' bright in here. Why do they need the lights on anyways?
(Jenkins starts mumbling while Rafe looks at him)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, even Rafe is looking at him like there's something wrong with him. Yeah, maybe he's on something. We then cut to the movie's subplot, which involves a reverend played by our good 'ol friend Chris Sarandon.
"Yeah, I would rather be reviewing Fright Night. That's a better vampire movie than Bordello of Blood." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sarandon plays Reverend J.C. Current and aside from Dennis Miller's character, his character is also fun to watch. He's a rockin' televangelist who's a mix between Joel Osteen and Eddie Munson. (A picture of Joel Osteen and a picture of Eddie Munson from Stranger Things are both shown back to back)
(Reverend Current starts playing the guitar during his sermon while the musicians play as well)
"Okay, where is this church at? Because I want to be a part of that church. Looks so much fun." Sean said.
Reverend J.C. Current (Played by Chris Sarandon): And you… you good people. You, who are the guts and the organs and the heart of the Jimmy Current World Ministry, you praise Him! You will be the ones who will lead the rest of the Lord's children to glory!
Audience: Glory!
Reverend J.C. Current: That's right! I said glory!
Audience: Glory! Praise Him!
Reverend J.C. Current: Yes! I said, "Glory!"
Audience: Glory!
(A clip from The Blues Brothers)
Reverend Cleophus James (Played by James Brown): Have you seen the light?
"Joliet" Jake (Played by John Belushi): Yes! Yes! Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ! I have seen the light!
"I would also like to point out that J.C. Current's name is an homage to director John Carpenter, who would direct a vampire movie." Sean said as a poster for the movie John Carpenter's Vampires is shown. "A better vampire movie that I would rather be reviewing as well."
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Katherine works for Current World Ministries as well as Vincent from the short, I mean the opening scene. God, let's hope I don't get any negative comments the next day. Anyway, Rafe meets Reverend Current and he reports his findings to Katherine.
Katherine Verdoux: Mr. Guttman, have you found my brother yet?
Rafe Guttman: (Clears his throat) I haven't made contact, but I did get a lead on him. He and a friend of his evidently went to a local whorehouse.
Katherine Verdoux: A whorehouse?
Rafe Guttman: A house inhabited by whores.
Katherine Verdoux: Okay. Well, I figured it would be something like that. Thank you for your time, Mr. Guttman.
Sean: (Narrating) And just like that, the case is closed. Rafe goes home to get himself a drink after a hard day's work, starts his own talk show on HBO and talks to M&Ms. The end.
(Cut to the end credits, which features the Cryptkeeper's mansion and the Tales From the Crypt theme playing in the background)
"Okay, okay, okay! I'm just kidding. We're only thirty minutes in. You think that I'm going to end the movie here?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Rafe is sitting at a bar having a drink while thinking that there's something more to this case until….
Jenkins: Sex. (Belches and bites into some raw ground beef after turning his attention to Rafe) You lookin' for sex?
"Oh, son of a bitch." Sean said as he takes his glasses of and makes a facepalm. "Okay, so here's one of my biggest problems with this movie."
(Footage of Demon Knight is shown, featuring a series of clips with Billy Zane as The Collector)
Sean: (Narrating) Here's the thing about Billy Zane in the first film. He hammed it up with his performance, but he did so in a way that was fun and entertaining and charming. Hell, he also knows when to dial it the hell back with his performance.
(A clip from Demon Knight is shown)
The Collector (Played by Billy Zane): You fucking hoedown, podunk, well them there motherfuckers!
(Back to Bordello of Blood)
Sean: (Narrating) With this guy, he has to dial the hamminess up to 100.
Jenkins: I know a place not too far from here where you can get the best goddamn piece of ass in the whole goddamn world.
"Dude, I'm gonna need you to dial it the fuck back! You're driving me up the wall with your horrible acting. Stop trying to outzane Billy Zane." Sean said.
Rafe Guttman: You know, you make it sound really enticing.
Jenkins: 325 Bowmont. Ask for the Cunningham wake.
"You tell them that Jenkins sent 'ya." Sean said, imitating Jenkins.
Sean: (Narrating) After we get a pointless boob and fart joke, Rafe arrives at the funeral home, but he is denied entry because the brothel is closed for the night. And being the clever private investigator that he is, he sneaks in as he tries to avoid getting caught by Lilith. He finds a clue and brings it to Katherine as she see that it's Caleb's nose ring.
Rafe Guttman: I found that at the McCutcheon Mortuary, which also happens to be the McCutcheon Brothel, where young men gather to get stiff amongst the stiffs. Unfortunately, most of them end up getting ripped off or even worse.
"And by worse, don't you mean having your heart ripped out like that poor soul in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom or being turned by a vampire?" Sean asked. "Also, how the hell does he know it's a brothel?"
Sean: (Narrating) I'm sure Mr. Crazy Man told him about a place where you can get laid but he didn't actually see anything once he was inside.
"Maybe you didn't find Katherine's brother but here's the thing, if you know about a shady whorehouse that is involved in some illegal activity, maybe you should oh I don't know… CALL THE FUCKING COPS!" Sean yelled out.
Rafe Guttman: Fucking cops are unbelievable.
Sean: (Narrating) Rafe returns and manages to get into the brothel on a night when it's open and one of the vampire ladies named Tamara, played by Kiara Hunter, approaches him.
Tamara (Played by Kiara Hunter): Guess where you've just landed, lover?
Rafe Guttman: Uh, Larry Flynt's id?
Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's see what the vampires are doing.
(We cut to Lilith ripping out another guy's heart, then takes a bite out of it.
Lilith: Vegetarian. Another vegetarian. I hate vegetarians. (Hands the heart over to another Brothel Vampire) Here, baby, this Bud's for you.
"Oh, come on. At least come up with something much better. You had the perfect opportunity to do a "It's Miller Time!" joke. As a matter of fact, let's edit this line out." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Lilith) Here, baby, it's Miller time.
Sean: (Narrating) While Rafe is at the bordello as a paying customer, we see that crazy man Jenkins is there too. Leading to…
(Lilith grabs Jenkins by the sides of his face right when he's about to kiss her and she gets ready to twist his head off, when suddenly… we cut to the YouTube representative, played by Dave)
"No dice, buddy! You can't show that scene unless you want to be demonetized." The YouTube representative said.
"Oh, come on! That's the best kill in the whole movie!" Sean exclaimed, then sighs a bit as he struggles to come up with an alternative. "Remember…"
(Cut to a shot of Halloween Kills, showing Michael Myers killing Cameron by snapping his neck)
Sean: (Narrating) …the scene where Michael Myers kills Allyson's ex-boyfriend Cameron in Halloween Kills?
"You know the one that's much more brutal than Halloween 2018. Well, just imagine Angie Everhart as a female version of Michael Myers…" Sean said.
(The shot of Lilith's head superimposed on Michael Myers' body is shown, this time with an added image of her holding Cameron's head, making it look like she's ripped his head off)
Sean: (Narrating) ….and Cameron's head should be on his body.
"I'm just waiting for that alternate ending of Sexual Predator that ends with her ripping off Richard Grieco's head off during sex." Sean said.
Lilith: (While holding Jenkins' head) Yeah, I just love a man who gives you head and let's you keep it. (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) Now let me just say something about Angie Everhart in this movie: I absolutely love her character. She plays this sexy redhead who owns a bordello and she's the mother of all vampires. That's another reason why I watch this movie and she gets some of the best lines.
Lilith: (Various scenes) Don't eat your heart out, baby- that's MY job./I'm afraid God can't help you./(Flips Rafe off) Fuck you!/I just love a man who gives you head and let's you keep it./Vegetarian. Another vegetarian. I hate vegetarians./(Dressed as a cheerleader) Two! Four! Six! Eight! You can watch me masturbate.
"I would love to see you do that, you naughty vixen." Sean said with a naughty wink.
Sean: (Narrating) Rafe gets taken to a naughty sex dungeon and pulls a Bugs Bunny move on Tammy by strapping her to a torture rack and escapes, until he drops his wallet. Yeah, I'm sure it won't come back to bite him on the neck. He investigates the funeral home and tries not to get caught.
(Rafe hides in a coffin as McCutcheon enters the room. He hears a creaking noise coming from the coffin and dismisses it before leaving)
Sean: (V/O as McCutcheon) Oh, well. It must've been the wind. Time for me to get freaky with the dead bodies.
(Rafe steps out of the coffin and turns around to see Jenkins' decapitated body inside. He gets startled by the sight of this and closes the coffin)
"Don't be afraid, Dennis. You should be happy that he's dead because that dude was annoying as hell. At least he died knowing that Lilith gave him a little head." Sean said.
(Cut to a shot of Gary the Snail from SpongeBob SquarePants as he plays a rimshot on a drum)
Sean: (Narrating) Lilith picks up Rafe's wallet and she tastes some of his blood that Tammy managed to draw and she learns that his blood is rare and super tasty.
Lilith: Oh, we gotta keep him alive.
"I know! He's the most entertaining part of the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rafe heads back to his office after freaking out about what he's seen at the funeral home until Lilith shows up to return his wallet.
Lilith: It's not very nice to leave a girl hanging like that.
Rafe Guttman: Yeah well, I'll have to apologize next time I see her.
Lilith: I didn't mean her. I meant me. You know, I saw you back at the house. And when I did, I knew you were special.
"Isn't that what Dennis Miller says to himself in the mirror every day?" Sean asked.
Rafe Guttman: (Points his gun at Lilith) Listen, uh, Lilith, I'm reasonably sure you're the type of woman who's never heard the expression "half-cocked,", but that is exactly what this gun is, and I swear to God I'll use it.
Lilith: (Fondles her breasts) You wouldn't shoot these, now would you?
(Rafe looks on with pure intensity)
"Judging by the look on his face, Rafe wants to shoot something else on them. Oh, I can feel the negative comments from women coming in." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lilith tries to seduce Rafe but Katherine comes to catch Rafe about to get a stiff one, so she goes to the cops and Rafe tells the cops about what he saw.
Rafe Guttman: How do I know it's a whorehouse? I was there. How's that?
"Dude, if it looks like a whorehouse, if it smells like a whorehouse and if it sounds like a whorehouse… then it's probably a whorehouse." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Deputy Dipshit over here blurts out that Rafe's private investigator license was suspended almost a year ago and he didn't even bother to tell Katherine that.
Noonan (Played by Eric Keenleyside): And the check for your license renewal bounced.
Rafe Guttman: Oh, for Christ's sake, man, there are people dying! Isn't that more important than my secretarial skills? I didn't even know her when I went there! I was there as an everyday, horny citizen, all right?
Noonan: (To Katherine) Did you give this man any money?
Rafe Guttman: You're fuckin' clueless.
"Don't get him started, Barney Fife. You're gonna make Dennis Miller go off on a rant about cops on his show." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Katherine shows Deputy Dumbass her brother's nose ring that Rafe found at the mortuary, so they go to check it out. But those crafty vampires have changed things up so they won't believe Rafe.
McCutcheon: Why the hell should I want you to come back? We've already thrown you out of the parking lot tonight. He was carrying on with some woman in his car. Disgusting! Two of them stoned out of their minds.
Rafe Guttman: You're a goddamn liar.
(Katherine stomps on Rafe's foot)
Rafe Guttman: Ow! Ow!
Katherine Verdoux: Don't you dare take the Lord's name in vain! You were with a woman tonight and have been drinking because we can all smell it on your breath.
"Jesus Christ, babe! What are you talking about? I only had a little to drink. Plus, that hot redhead tried to come onto me. I'm not even into redheads, I'm into blondes!" Sean said, imitating Rafe.
Katherine Verdoux: You know, you almost had me believing you. It would have served me right for getting involved with a liar. And a fornicator. And an asshole.
Rafe Guttman: But a charming asshole!
"Oh, don't worry, Dennis. We all love you for being a charming asshole." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Lilith and Vincent are talking about their future with Reverend Current, turns out he has the key and he is using Lilith and the brothel as part of a scheme to kill sinners. Uh, couldn't you use her to kill murderers for a more righteous cause.
"But killing sinners looking for a piece of ass, that's on the top of his priorities. Because he is doing this for the Lord!" Sean said, imitating Reverend Current.
Sean: (Narrating) You want to know what would go great with your next church sermon? How about a laser?
(A crew member fires a laser machine, which bounces off the reflecting mirror on J.C.'s guitar and hits the floor, making a cross)
Reverend J.C. Current: Cut! What the hell! Cut it! Just… God. Look what he's done to my guitar. What's he trying to do, kill me?
"All of a sudden the church has been turned into the Church of Eddie Munson." Sean said. "Okay, now there's a church that I would love to go to."
Sean: (Narrating) Katherine goes to speak to J.C. to tell him that she's planning on making a documentary about lust and warning the young people about all the things that inspire it. So, he let's her do it. Meanwhile, Rafe spies on the McCutcheon funeral party as he goes to check out the cemetery. Also, remember the key that Reverend Current has in his office, well it turns out that Vincent stole the key and J,C. goes into a strip club to meet with Lilith and Vincent to grab the key.
Lilith: Game's over, Rev. I'm drivin' now.
Reverend J.C. Current: You vile, pernicious, disgusting little harlot.
Lilith: You're not so bad yourself.
Reverend J.C. Current: I did not bring you here for the purpose of feeding your evil desires! We are doing the Lord's work.
"Yeah, if you're doing the Lord's work, then why the hell are you at a strip club lookin' like you're about ready to flash people?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Lilith and Vincent take J.C. to the back of the alley, but Vincent destroys the only reminder on how to make a good Tales From the Crypt movie, which means that Lilith is now immortal. Nice job, Rev. The next day, Rafe goes to visit Katherine at her job to let her know what he's found.
Rafe Guttman: I went to the Mount Hope Cemetery last night. The McCutcheon Mortuary held an internment there yesterday. I took some photos. These photos are the contents of the coffin they interred and I think you're gonna want to look at 'em. Just take a look.
"You're probably going to need a barf bag for this. Just trust me." Sean said, imitating Rafe.
Sean: (Narrating) Katherine looks at the photos that Rafe took and sees that there's only one body in the coffin and the she doesn't believe him, so she kicks him out and goes back to the videotape of her documentary and she notices something odd about the footage of her confronting Lilith.
Jonas (Played by Dorian Joe Clark): (Sees that Lilith is not on the footage) There was a woman at that table, wasn't there?
Katherine Verdoux: Well I certainly wasn't talking to myself. I know there was somebody at that table. Oh, my God.
"I just realized that Rafe recognized me from the Star Wars Underoos commercial." Sean said, imitating Katherine while a picture of her portrayer, Erika Eleniak, is shown in a Star Wars Underoos commercial.
Sean: (Narrating) Katherine shows Rafe the videotape, in which she spots Reverend Current in the strip club with Vincent and the connection to Jenkins and Lilith not appearing in the pictures and the video, in which Rafe comes up with an interesting theory.
Rafe Guttman: I don't want you to flee the room here. I'm gonna advance a weird Duchovnyan riff. What if we're dealing with here is, in fact… vampires? Huh?
Katherine Verdoux: Are you crazy?
Rafe Guttman: Why is that crazy? Because I advance the singular theory that the perpetrator of our crimes is an eternal spirit who sustains itself solely through the intake of human hemoglobin through a set of protracted fangs?
Katherine Verdoux: Shut up, Rafe.
"It might sound crazy. But you wanna know what would sound better? A zombie romp that takes place in New Orleans. I would pay good money to see that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Katherine gets a phone call from Caleb and he tells her that he's in trouble and that they're coming to get him. So her and Rafe head down to the power plant to meet with him.
Rafe Guttman: You know Katherine, I'm not complaining, but I wish your brother would have picked a less creepy place. I feel like I'm in a bad Tales From the Crypt episode.
"Well, you're not in a bad Tales From the Crypt episode. In fact, you're in a bad Tales From the Crypt movie. And there you go, folks. That's the easiest joke that I've made for this movie." Sean said.
(We then cut to a clip from the Seinfeld episode titled "The Burning", where we see George Costanza in a meeting. He throws up his arms while everyone else in the meeting laughs)
George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): Alright! (Gets up to leave) That's it for me! Goodnight, everybody!
Sean: (Narrating) They eventually find Caleb, who's now a vampire…
"So this is what would look like if Corey Feldman became one of the Lost Boys." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rafe and Katherine run away from Caleb, but Katherine has a plan to escape.
Katherine Verdoux: I see a way.
Rafe Guttman: What do you mean you see a way? Jesus Christ, Katherine, what are you doing?
Katherine Verdoux: Come on!
Rafe Guttman: Katherine, it's the fucking Grand Canyon! What are…
Katherine Verdoux: Just shut up and follow me!
Rafe Guttman: What are you doing with that chain?
(Katherine grabs onto the chain)
Rafe Guttman: That is the craziest fuckin' thing I have ever… (Climbs back up on the ladder, then sees Caleb)
Caleb Verdoux: Hi, dickhead.
Rafe Guttman: That is the second craziest fuckin' thing…
(Katherine swings over to a ledge)
Rafe Guttman: This is a mistake!
(Rafe swings on the chain and crashes through a window, landing on top of Noonan's police cruiser)
"Since when the hell did Dennis Miller turn into Super Humman?" Sean asked.
Sean: (V/O as Rafe) Fuck this shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
Sean: (Narrating) So the vampires kidnap Kathrine while Rafe wakes up in a hospital, but Deputy Dumbass Noonan has him in restrained to the bed, which Rafe easily gets out. Noonan gets killed by Tammy and she sees Rafe so she can kill him.
Rafe Guttman: Tammy.
(Tammy charges at Rafe, but Rafe sticks an IV needle in her head)
"Uh, Rafe. That's not how you kill a vampire. They don't take IVs to the head." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Rafe knows that there's one way to kill a vampire and it's sunlight, which kills her and…
(After Tammy explodes from being exposed to sunlight, a hospital patient wakes up)
Hospital Patient (Played by Whoopi Goldberg): You want to keep it down here please? I'm trying to rest! I knew I should have taken that private room.
"Yeah, what you should've done is taken a cameo in the first film. That's what you should've done." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with the vampires, Katherine is being held captive by them while Lilith decides to….
(Lilith fondles with Katherine's breasts for a bit and moves her hands down her body)
Lilith: I like that even better. Mmm!
"Uhhhhhhhhhh…." Sean said as he looks down at his jeans before looking back up at the camera. "Could you excuse me for a second. I have a little "problem" to take care of. I'll be right back."
Sean immediately gets up from off of the couch and heads upstairs to take care of his little problem.
(We cut to a title card that reads "A Few Minutes Later" is shown)
Sean returns to the living room after he finishes taking care of his little "problem" as he sits back down on the couch and turns his attention to the camera.
"Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. I had to take care of something after seeing what Lilith was doing to Katherine. I wasn't expecting that. Now, let's get back to our regularly scheduled review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Reverend Current goes to see Lilith but she's kinda occupied for a moment, so Vincent goes to deal with the Reverend by killing him, but Rafe crashes the party like he's the Kool-Aid Man by killing McCutcheon and shooting Vincent, then he confronts J.C.
Rafe Guttman: What's happenin', Rev? Come on, man, talk to me! I'm feelin' a little jumpy! Friend or foe?
Reverend J.C. Current: For God's sake, I am responsible for all this, but I've come to end it. (Opens his jacket to reveal a hammer and a couple of stakes)
Sean: (Narrating) And here we come to the best part of the movie and man, is it the best part and it's worth watching. This is a scene that I remember watching as a kid when I saw it on Comedy Central. What I'm talking about is this fun little scene where Rafe and J.C. enter the brothel and they start shooting up scantily clad vampire chicks with super soakers while Ballroom Blitz plays in the background.
(The scene where Rafe and J.C. shoot up the vampire prostitutes with supersoakers filled with holy water while the song "Ballroom Blitz" by Sweet plays in the background)
"Here's a little thing that I've read about this scene, Dennis Miller said in an interview that he very much enjoyed shooting up scantily clad vampire chicks with super soakers and I can see why." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, this scene feels like a Super Soaker commercial.
(Rafe and J.C. peek around the corner to see the vampire ladies)
Rafe Guttman: Ready, padre?
Reverend J.C. Current: Yep.
Rafe Guttman: Just like Hope and Crosby.
(Cut to Rafe as he points his super soaker at the vampire bartender lady)
Rafe Guttman: Last call, Miss Kitty.
(Rafe shoots the vampire bartender lady with holy water, killing her)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) On those occasion when you need to make a big splash….
(The vampire bartender lady explodes into a bloody mess)
Rafe Guttman: Cha-ching!
Sean: (V/O as Announcer): There's the Super Soaker 100. It has a powerful air pressure system.
(Rafe and J.C. both shoot at a vampire prostitute)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) A range of up to 60 feet…
Rafe Guttman: All right, Rev!
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) And a drenching spray that would vaporize you to oblivion.
(The Super Soaker 100 is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) It's a water gun of a higher caliber.
(The Super Soaker 200 and the Super Soaker 50 is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Also available, the Super Soaker Vampire Hunter 200 and Holy Super Soaker 50. Holy water sold separately. New from Laramie.
Sean: (Narrating) J.C. goes to confront Lilith while Rafe has a little encounter with the wannabe Lost Boy Caleb.
Caleb Verdoux: Howdy, honey. You are outta here!
(Caleb swings an ax at Rafe and misses. He gets ready to kill him, but Rafe shoots him in the chest with holy water, which makes a hole in him)
Caleb Verdoux: Oh, shit! This sucks.
"Isn't that what Corey Feldman said about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) J.C. finds Katherine but it's just Lilith pretending to be Katherine. He tries to kill Lilith, but he sucks at being a vampire killer, so she kills him instead. But Rafe drops in and cuts Lilith in half, but fails at trying to cut her heart into four pieces.
(Lilith puts herself back together and flips off Rafe)
Lilith: Fuck you.
(Rafe swings his ax at Lilith, but Lilith vanishes and laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) Rafe manages to find Katherine and frees her and they go to check on J.C., who's about to go home and see the Lord, as he tells them to go back to the studio and broadcast to tell the world about the existence of vampires, which they do as they get ready to tell the world, but Lilith has to cut this broadcast short.
(Lilith puts Rafe in an arm lock)
Lilith: (Laughing) So you wanna fuck?
Rafe Guttman: Lilith, I'd rather Crazy Glue my dick to the bullet train than fuck you. How's that?
"Dude, are you nuts? Don't give Lilith any ideas. This is a Tales From the Crypt movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lilith goes after Katherine and tries to kill her, but this movie remembers a giant friggin' laser to stop a vampire, which Rafe uses on Lilith to kill her, but that's not enough to kill her.
Lilith: I guess Reverend Limpdick forgot to tell you.
Rafe Guttman: Shit!
Lilith: You can tear my heart to pieces, but it won't do any good if it's still here.
"I know, who makes up these rules?" Sean said, imitating The Collector from Demon Knight.
Sean: (Narrating) Lilith goes after Rafe while looking like Linnea Quigley from Night of the Demons. What? Is she gonna make him eat a bowl of fuck? Also, I just love the makeup effects for Lilith. They made her look creepy.
Lilith: (To Rafe) I'm through talking now, baby. First I'll rip your dick off, then I'm gonna grind your balls into guacamole.
(Katherine stabs Lilith's heart out from behind with a candle stand)
Katherine Verdoux: Heartless bitch.
Sean: (V/O as Lilith) Oh, no! I've been defeated by a pun!
Sean: (Narrating) Lilith is killed and Rafe and Katherine burn Lilith's remains to prevent her from returning and they lock away the box with the heart pieces in it. And Rafe and Katherine celebrate by getting a little frisky in the car. (Cut to Demon Knight) And here's a big difference between this movie and Demon Knight. In Demon Knight, Jeryline defeats The Collector, but the key still needs protection from other evil forces. It wrapped up the story while it still gives the impression that the struggle between good and evil will continue. (Cut back to Bordello of Blood) With this one, it ends with a twist that you could see coming from a mile away.
Rafe Guttman: (Sniffs Katherine) What's that perfume you're wearing?
Katherine Verdoux: It's not perfume.
(Rafe pulls back Katherine's skirt to find a pair of bite marks on her thigh)
Katherine Verdoux: It's sunblock.
(Rafe realizes in horror that Katherine is a vampire. Katherine reveals her fangs and bites into Rafe. Cut to the shot of the car as the camera pans up and we hear Rafe screaming)
Sean: (V/O as Rafe) AAAAAHHH! Easy, baby! I said "no teeth"!
Sean: (Narrating) The film ends with the Cryptkeeper jokes around for a bit and he ends up beating the Mummy and we see that he's just a head.
The Mummy: Come on. Let's play again. Huh? Double or nothing.
"Dude, you're just a head like the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There's no way you can keep going." Sean said.
The Cryptkeeper: Take my advice, pal. Quit while you're "a head." (Cackles)
"Yeah, you won't be laughing once you see the movie's box office, Mr. Cryptkeeper. So you shut the fuck up!" Sean exclaimed.
(Clips from the movie are shown one last time as Sean gives his final thoughts on it)
Sean: (Narrating) Bordello of Blood bombed in theaters, making onlhy $5,781,045 out of a $15 million budget, which cancelled the planned third movie of the intended trilogy and I can see why and it made me wish that I reviewed Demon Knight. But you know what, as much as this movie sucked, I happen to have a soft spot for it and I enjoyed watching it. The idea of a televangelist enlisting the help of vampires is a tough nut to swallow. With Demon Knight having a cast of enjoyable characters, this one has some too and some characters that would get on your nerves. I've enjoyed Dennis Miller in this movie. He's the best damn part of this movie, he pretty much plays himself. From what I've read, Miller improvised his lines. He kept the tone light and comedic in a stark contrast of the film's dark and gory moments. And I love the blending of tones in this movie. This movie feels like an episode of Tales From the Crypt. As much as I love Demon Knight, I happen to love this movie, even if it has some questionable moments and some boobage. (A poster for the third Tales From the Crypt movie titled "Ritual" is shown) And yes, I am aware that there's a third Tales From the Crypt movie and that one sucked as well. The movie still has some fun moments and I don't think it's quite as bad as some critics say but it's a step down from a really great film. If you haven't seen it, then go check it out on Peacock or order it on Blu-Ray from Amazon or Shout Factory's website. Bordello of Blood comes in at 3 hearts being eaten out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said as he gets up from his couch and leaves.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Vegetarian. Another vegetarian. I hate vegetarians.
And that is all for the review of Bordello of Blood. I hope that you all enjoyed reading it. What was your favorite funny moment from the review? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Halloween Havoc V comes to a close as Sean and Brian review the fourth and not-so-final entry in the Friday the 13th franchise, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. November is coming up and I've picked out a few movies to review for that month and a Commercials special. Here's what they are:
Black Panther: Sean and Ryoma review one of the best films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and sees how well it holds up.
Aladdin: Sean reviews one of his favorite animated Disney films of all time and sees what made this movie great.
Commercials IX: The Rise of the Commercials: Sean and Lucas take a look at a new batch of commercials to talk about.
Romancing the Stone: Sean takes a look at one of his favorite films from Robert Zemeckis and a film that people call it a Raiders of the Lost Ark rip-off.
So, which ones are you excited for me to work on in November? I bet you can't wait. Make sure you leave a review, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you want to do a co-review with me, then feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.