The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and today you're in for a real treat because this is going to be the best chapter ever. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic will be taking a look at the 1992 animated Disney classic Aladdin for it's 30th anniversary to see if it still opened up a whole new world of animation possibilities. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Aladdin is owned by Walt Disney Pictures.
Episode 160
Aladdin
(We get an opening that starts with the opening to The Wonderful World of Disney with the instrumental versions of "When You Wish Upon a Star" and "A Whole New World" plays in the background. P.S.: It's the ABC version of The Wonderful World of Disney from the 90s. After the intro ends, we open with a man dressed in proper clothing named Bob Chapek, played by Sean, walking into a room)
"Good evening and welcome to The Wonderful World of Disney. I am your host Bob Chapek,the CEO of Disney. For years, we've given you family-friendly entertainment, but you know we like to wing it from time to time. We tend to ruin Star Wars for you with the new trilogy, we own Fox's asses. We've delighted you with our live-action films, animated classics, TV shows and Direct-To-Video sequels. We've also delighted you with our live-action remakes. Tonight's feature is not a live-action remake. It is of course I'm talking about the animated classic Aladdin. No, it will not feature that clown who made a fool of himself by slapping Chris Rock in the face. It features Robin Williams before Dan Castellaneta replaced him in the Direct-to-Video sequel all because Katzenberg was an asshole. And since you've enjoyed our live-action remakes of The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Lady & the Tramp and Pinocchio, we're bringing you another one next year, which is The Little Mermaid with Halle Bailey as Ariel. And if you have a problem with having a beautiful young black woman as Ariel, then you could take it to Smith & Wesson… and me." Sean said as he pulls out a Smith & Wesson Model 29 magnum. "Anyone have a problem with that?"
Brian: (V/O as Angry Fan) Why couldn't you get Sadie Sink to play as Ariel? She's a natural redhead and Halle Bailey is not! Halle Bailey is not Ariel!
Sean continues to smile as he points his gun at the angry fan and shoots at him.
"Anybody else got a problem with that?" Sean asked as the fans stayed silent. "Good. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Walt Disney Pictures' 31st animated feature Aladdin."
(We then cut to the MC opening, before showing Sean in his living room)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Aladdin." Sean said before pausing for a bit. "I know right? Another critic who is about to talk about this movie that hasn't been said before. I'm shook!"
(The title of the original "Aladdin" is shown, before showing various clips while the instrumental version of "Friend Like Me" plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on November 11th, 1992, Aladdin was Disney's 31st animated feature and it was an instant sensation. True, Encanto is the king of animated films right now, but back then Aladdin was one of the highest-grossing animated films back then, until it was surpassed by The Lion King. Now, before you all write your hate reviews and call me names, let me make this perfectly clear. I actually really enjoy this movie. It is one of my favorite animated films of all time. I enjoyed it when I was a kid and since I'm 30 years old, I still enjoy it to this day. It's got great storytelling and amazing animation and some memorable characters and an excellent soundtrack. It's one of the few films that I catch on TV or just watch it on Disney Plus, I'll always watch it. If they even re-release this movie, then I'll definitely check it out just to enjoy the experience. I'm sure it's going to be tough making fun of a movie that I love, but I'm sure I'll find something to make fun of. So, on the 30th anniversary of one of Disney's biggest hits, I'm going to go over what works about Aladdin, what doesn't and figure out if it's still a beloved classic over the years.
"So let's take a look at a film that everyone calls the best Disney movie ever." Sean said as the poster for the 2019 live-action remake of Aladdin is shown. "Uh, yeah. That version sucks balls. This is Aladdin."
(The movie opens with a flaming background, before we are shown footage of a peddler riding a camel on the desert, before we are shown the city of Agrabah while the entire opening sequence is set to the song "Arabian Nights")
Sean: (Narrating) I think this intro is what makes this film memorable, as we see a guy on a camel riding in the scorching hot desert as he arrives in the city of Agrabah. Home of the bad guys from Call of Duty: Modern Warfare in several years.
"You call it an Arabian Night, we call it death." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this intro? The animation looks fantastic, Alan Menken's music is great, the song is amazing, you have a vast scope. It's all amazing. We see a street peddler, voiced by Robin Williams, and yes, that is him voicing the character as well as the Genie. I'm sure that everyone didn't know that Robin Williams voiced the street peddler and we see that he's trying to sell the audience some of his wares.
Peddler (Voiced by Robin Williams): Look at this. Yes. Combination hookah and coffeemaker. Also makes julienne fries. (Pushes the fries away) Will not break. (Taps the hookah on the table) Will not… (The hookah breaks) It broke.
"It gives us a chance to see Robin Williams show off his comedic chops because he's the best part about this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The peddler pulls out an old oil lamp and says that it's no ordinary lamp and that it changed the course of a young man's life and he tells the story where we see our movie's villain Jafar, voiced by Jonathan Freeman, meeting up with a thief named Gazeem, voiced by Charlie Adler, in the middle of the desert after acquiring the other half of a gold scarab beetle.
Jafar (Voiced by Jonathan Freeman): You are late.
Gazeem (Voiced by Charlie Adler): A thousand apologies, O patient one.
Jafar: You have it, then?
Gazeem: I had to slit a few throats, but I got it.
"Okay, that was a tad bit dark for a G-rated film. But then again, this is a Disney movie. You know that someone will end up having a gruesome death." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jafar puts the first half of the scarab together with the second half that he has and it flies off and causes a giant tiger's head to rise from the sand called the Cave of Wonders.
Gazeem: By Allah.
Jafar: (Grabs Gazeem) Now, remember. Bring me the lamp. The rest of the treasure is yours, but the lamp is mine.
Sean: (V/O as Gazeem) But why can't I have the lamp? Maybe I want the lamp instead of the treasure. (V/O as Jafar) It's mine! You understand? Mine! ALL MINE!
(The Cave of Wonders comes to life right before Gazeem enters)
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of awesome imagery…
The Cave of Wonders (Voiced by Frank Welker): Who disturbs my slumber?
Gazeem: (Gasps) It is I, Gazeem, a humble thief.
The Cave of Wonders: Know this. Only one may enter here, one whose worth lies far within. A diamond in the rough.
Sean: (V/O as Cave of Wonders): And I'm not talking about that crappy Wild Things movie. They had the nerve to call it "Wild Things: Diamonds in the Rough", it's a travesty. (An image of the DVD cover for Wild Things: Diamonds in the Rough is shown)
(Gazeem attempts to enter the tiger's mouth. He sighs in relief but the tiger roars. Gazeem screams as he tries to escape the tiger's mouth, but the tiger bites down on him, which closes off the entryway)
Jafar: No!
The Cave of Wonders: Seek thee out the diamond in the rough.
(The scarab halves roll down the sand as Iago, Jafar's talking parrot and main assistant, pops up from out of the sand)
Iago (Voiced by Gilbert Gottfried): (Coughing) I can't believe it. I just don't believe it. We're never gonna get a hold of that stupid lamp.
Sean: (Narrating) Iago, voiced by the late Gilbert Gottfried, complains to Jafar that they're never going to get the lamp and by annoying the crap out of him from the sound of his voice.
Iago: (Extremely sarcastically) Oh, there's a big surprise. That's an incred… I think I'm gonna have a heart attack and die from not surprise! What are we gonna do? We got a big problem here, a big prob…
(Jafar pinches Iago's beak shut)
"Shut up, Iago. I'm getting sick and tired of your beak flapping. It's giving me a migraine." Sean said, imitating Jafar.
(We cut to a rooftop, where we see Aladdin getting chased by the guards after stealing a loaf of bread)
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to our main character, a street urchin named Aladdin, voiced by Scott Weinger, getting chased by the palace guards led by Razoul, voiced by Jim Cummings, for stealing a loaf of bread.
Razoul (Voiced by Jim Cummings): I'll have your hands for a trophy, street rat.
Aladdin (Voiced by Scott Weinger): (Looks back, then down, then at the bread) All this for a loaf of bread?
"Yeah, couldn't they just catch you for stealing from the rich? A loaf of bread is probably not worth dying for." Sean said.
Aladdin: (After he wraps himself a disguise) Morning, ladies.
Woman #1: Getting into trouble a little early today, aren't we, Aladdin?
Aladdin: Trouble? No way, You're only in trouble if you get caught…
(Razoul grabs Aladdin)
Razoul: Gotcha!
Aladdin: I'm in trouble!
Razoul: And this time…
(Abu pulls the turban down over Razoul's eyes)
"Damn it! I've been foiled by an adorable little monkey sidekick!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Razoul.
Sean: (Narrating) We get our next song in the movie, "One Jump Ahead" sung by the one go-to guy who would provide the character's singing voice Brad Kane. Yeah, you could tell that it's not Scott Weinger singing. But don't worry, we'll be back to Scott Weinger when he's not in a song.
(A clip from Full House is shown)
Steve Hale (Played by Scott Weinger): Well haven't you heard? You've been suspended for sweat-mopping dry wrestlers.
(Cut back to the movie)
Aladdin (Singing voice performed by Brad Kane): (Sings) Gotta keep one jump, ahead of the bread line. One swing ahead of the sword. I steal only what I can't afford.
"You sit on a throne of lies, movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And yes, I know some of the singing is dubbed apart from Robin Williams and Jonathan Freeman. And let's be glad that they don't have Gilbert Gottfried singing in this movie. This is a feel-good song in which we see some of the palace guards or civilians getting hurt in many different comedic ways.
(A fat palace guard tries to jump over a man who's lying on a bed of nails, but he ends up landing on him. We then cut to a sword swallower as Aladdin and Abu pass him, then Abu goes back and pulls the sword from out of the swallower's mouth)
"Did I say comedic ways? I meant in very brutal ways. I think that dude is dead as shit!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, I think Abu just murdered that guy by yanking that sword out from out of his mouth. That shit is brutal. Yeah, unless you're a four-year-old kid who thinks that everything is alive and yet your parents do this to you…
(A clip from the 1994 animated version of The Lion King is shown, showing Mufasa falling to his death)
Simba (Voiced by Jonathan Taylor Thomas): NOOOOOOOO!
"I blame bad parenting right there!" Sean exclaimed.
Aladdin: (Sings) Wish me happy landin', all I gotta do is jump!
(Aladdin jumps out the window on a carpet as the guards follow him, but they go straight down to the street and land in a pile with the sign "Crazy Hakim's Discount Fertilizer")
Guards: Yuck! Oy!
(A clip from Jurassic Park is shown)
Dr. Ian Malcolm (Played by Jeff Goldblum): That is one big pile of shit.
Sean: (Narrating) Aladdin and Abu get ready to enjoy their loaf of bread, until Aladdin sees two hungry children looking for food and this is what I love about the character, we see that he's kind hearted and he's willing to give his spoils to children who are in need. They get sidetracked when a royal prince named Prince Achmed, voiced by Corey Burton, marching through the streets of Agrabah.
"Wow, that is the most racist name that I've heard in my life." Sean said.
(The children run out on the street. The boy runs out in front of the Prince's horse)
Prince Achmed (Voiced by Corey Burton): Out of my way, you filthy brats!
(The Prince bring up his whip to attack the children, but Aladdin jumps in front of them and catches the whip)
Aladdin: Hey! If I were as rich as you, I could afford some manners.
Prince Achmed: Oh. I'll teach you some manners!
(The Prince kicks Aladdin into a mud puddle. The crowd laugh at him)
Aladdin: Look at that, Abu. It's not every day you see a horse with two rear ends.
"Okay, that was very rude for a G-rated film. You just watch your mouth, mister!" Sean exclaimed.
Prince Achmed: You are a worthless street rat. You were born a street rat, you'll die a street rat, and only your fleas will mourn you.
(Aladdin rushes the Prince, but the doors to the palace slam shut in his face)
Aladdin: I'm not worthless. And I don't have fleas. (Scratches his head and stops scratching it and sighs) Come on, Abu. Let's go home.
"Yeah, who wants to look like some guy who's dressed in purple and look like the singer Prince." Sean said, imitating Aladdin.
Sean: (Narrating) After Aladdin sings about promising that things will be better and that people will see him for what he really is. We then cut to the Sultan's palace, where we see that The Sultan, voiced by Douglas Seale, is having some problems of his own when his daughter Princess Jasmine, voiced by Linda Larkin, drives off another suitor after her pet tiger Rajah bites his pants off.
The Sultan (Voiced by Douglas Seale): Dearest, you've got to stop rejecting every suitor who comes to call. The law says you must be married to a prince….
Jasmine (Voiced by Linda Larkin): "You must be married to a prince."
The Sultan: …by your next birthday.
Jasmine: The law is wrong.
The Sultan: You've only got three more days.
"I'm running out of suitors for you. They don't grow on trees, you know?" Sean said, imitating The Sultan.
Jasmine: Father, I hate being forced into this. If I do marry, I want it to be for love.
The Sultan: Jasmine, it's not only this law. (Sighs) I'm not going to be around forever, and, well, I… I just want to make sure you're taken care of. Provided for.
Jasmine: Please try to understand. I've never done a thing on my own. I've never had any real friends.
(Rajah looks up at Jasmin and growls)
Jasmine: Except you, Rajah.
(Rajah is satisfied and goes back to sleep)
"Okay, can we all agree that Rajah is the best character?" Sean asked, smiling.
Audience Member: (Off-screen) I like Iago.
Sean is still smiling as he takes out his crossbow and pulls the trigger, shooting the audience member with it and kills him.
"Everyone else agrees with me?" Sean asked as several audience members raised their hands and applauded. "Yep, it's Rajah."
Sean: (Narrating) The Sultan consults with Jafar, who is his royal vizier, and I would just like to point out that Jafar looks creepy when he enters The Sultan's chambers. I just love how he talks in this calm voice when you know that the dude is truly evil. In fact, this was the first Disney villain that I've been introduced to before Scar. What makes this character great is that he makes an excellent sorcerer. He hypnotizes people, alters his appearance and he takes on a lot of different forms. And you want to know what's cool? Jonathan Freeman reprises the role of Jafar in the Broadway show. How cool is that? So anyway, Jafar hypnotizes The Sultan to give him his blue diamond ring to find Jasmine a suitor when he actually needs it to discover the identity of the "Diamond in the Rough.". Later, Jasmine sneaks out of the palace and wanders through the town while Aladdin and Abu are busy stealing a melon for breakfast and when Aladdin sees her, he becomes immediately smitten.
Abu (Also voiced by Frank Welker): Uh-oh. (Climbs on top of Aladdin's head) Hello? Hello?
We cut back to Sean as we see him making monkey noises and we see the subtitles on-screen, which says: "Dude, bros before hos."
(Jasmine sees a hungry little boy and gives him an apple, which gets her in trouble with the local street vendor)
Sean: (Narrating) Being the kind-hearted one, Jasmine sees a poor boy who's hungry, so she gets him an apple, but the street vendor catches her in the act and the punishment for stealing in Middle Eastern countries, you lose your fucking hand.
(Farouk prepares to cut off Jasmine's hand)
Jasmine: No! No, please!
"Boy, punishment in the Middle East is much different than in the U.S. All we do is give the person a slap on the wrist and tell them not to do this shit again, but here you get caught stealing and you get your hand cut off." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, Aladdin is there to intervene and lead Jasmine away from the guy just in time before this movie gets any dark.
Farouk (Also voiced by Jim Cummings): You, uh, know this girl?
Aladdin: Sadly, yes. She is my sister. She's a little crazy.
Farouk: She said she knew the sultan.
Aladdin: She thinks the monkey is the sultan.
(Abu is picking a pocket. He hears this, then straightens up. Jasmine starts to play along as she kneels and bows to Abu)
Aladdin: O wise Sultan, how may I serve you?
(Abu speaks in gibberish)
Aladdin: Tragic, isn't it?
"She also thinks that she's Middle Eastern. She's actually a white woman playing a Middle Eastern character." Sean said, imitating Aladdin.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Jafar, he uses the Sultan's diamond ring and consults with the Sands of Time to reveal the one who is worthy of entering the Cave of Wonders and it happens to be Aladdin.
Jafar: My diamond in the rough.
Iago: That's him?! That's the clown we've been waitin' for?!
(Iago loses his footing and is sucked into the gears)
Jafar: Let's have the guards extend him an invitation to the palace, shall we?
(Iago goes flying past Jafar and slams into the wall upside down)
Iago: Swell. (Coughs)
"And Iago, please clean up after yourself. I'm getting sick and tired of sweeping up your feathers." Sean said, imitating Jafar.
Sean: (Narrating) Aladdin takes Jasmine up to his place and she is taken by his kindness and things start to get romantic between the two of them, until the Royal Guards catch them and they arrest Aladdin forcing Jasmine to reveal her true identity.
Jasmine: Uphand him, by order of the princess. (Pulls off the hood of her cloak)
(The guards stop and bow, forcing Aladdin to bow as well)
Razoul: Princess Jasmine.
Aladdin: The princess?
Abu: (Peeks out from the vase) The princess?
Razoul: What are you doing outside the palace? And with this street rat.
Jasmine: That's not your concern. Do as I command. Release him.
Razoul: I would, Princess, except my orders come from Jafar. You'll have to take it up with him.
Jasmine: (Gives a pissed off look) Believe me, I will.
"I'll find a fitting punishment for Jafar. Maybe I'll cut off both of his hands." Sean said, imitating Jasmine.
Sean: (Narrating) Jasmine confronts Jafar to tell the guards to release Aladdin at once, but then he blatantly lies to her face by telling her that his sentence has already been carried out.
Jasmine: What sentence?
Jafar: Death.
(Jasmine gasps)
Jafar: By beheading.
Jasmine: No. (Collapses to the floor)
Jafar: I am exceedingly sorry, Princess.
Jasmine: How could you?
(Jasmine runs from the room crying)
(A clip from 50 First Dates is shown)
Henry Roth (Played by Adam Sandler): What an asshole!
Iago: So, how did it go?
Jafar: I think she took it rather well.
"I literally have no choice but to use the same joke for this clip." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(We're again shown that same clip from 50 First Dates)
Henry Roth: What an asshole!
Sean: (Narrating) While Jasmine is mourning over the loss of Aladdin, we see that in actuality, Aladdin is being held in the dungeon. I'm guessing that this is the same dungeon that Sebastian from The Little Mermaid is being held in the Sega Genesis game.
(A screenshot of that exact level from the Sega Genesis game of the film is shown next to Sean)
"Don't pretend that you didn't see it. I KNOW THAT YOU ALL SAW SEBASTIAN!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Abu arrives to free Aladdin, but then they are met by an older prisoner, who's actually Jafar in disguise.
Aladdin: Who are you?
Older Prisoner: A lowly prisoner, like yourself. But together, perhaps we can be more.
Aladdin: I'm listening.
"Uh, yeah. I don't think you should trust some creepy old guy. I'm pretty sure that things won't end well." Sean said.
Older Prisoner: There is a cave, boy, a Cave of Wonders, filled with treasures beyond your wildest dreams. (Pulls out some rubies)
Abu: Ooh!
Older Prisoner: Treasure enough to impress even your princess, I'd wager.
"Yes, take a look at this treasure that I've pulled from out of my ass." Sean said, imitating the Older Prisoner.
Sean: (Narrating) So Aladdin and the Older Prisoner escape from the dungeon and they make it to the Cave of Wonders. Again, gotta love the CGI-animated tiger. Looks friggin' awesome. The Cave of Wonders tells Aladdin to touch nothing but the lamp. So, Aladdin and Abu proceed inside where they come across a room filled with treasures and of course, the Magic Carpet that comes to life, thanks to the magic of Pixar.
"No, I'm not kidding. Pixar was involved with the making of this movie. They've done some of the CGI animation for the movie and I have to say that it looks impressive for a film made in 1992.. But then again. The opening of Batman: Mask of the Phantasm with CGI-animated Gotham City looks impressive for it's time as well." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With help of the Magic Carpet, it leads Aladdin and Abu to the magic lamp, but then Abu ruins it breaking the most important rule.
Aladdin: Abu! No!
(Abu grabs a large ruby)
Cave of Wonders: Infidels!
Abu: Uh-oh.
Cave of Wonders: You have touched the forbidden treasure!
(Abu sits the large ruby back on the shrine. The shrine and the ruby begin to melt into lava)
Cave of Wonders: Now you will never again see the light of day!
(A clip from Semi-Pro is shown)
Jackie Moon (Played by Will Ferrell): Everybody panic!
(Right on cue, the water turns into lava and Aladdin slides down until he flies into the air. Aladdin falls towards it until the Magic Carpet appears and catches him in a pretty impressive sequence)
Sean: (Narrating) We then get an awesome flying sequence and I have to say that this scene is awesome. The mix of traditional and CGI animation blends perfectly. We get some pretty intense moments and a bit of comedic moments as well, and surprisingly the hardest level in the Sega Genesis game.
(A clip of that exact level from the Sega Genesis of the film is shown next to Sean)
"Damn, arrows! Where do you want me to go, up or down? YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) The Cave of Wonders has himself the worst sore throat ever, until Aladdin is flung off of the Carpet and hangs onto a cliff for dear life.
Aladdin: Help me out!
Older Prisoner: Throw me the lamp!
Aladdin: I can't hold on. Give me your hand.
Older Prisoner: First give me the lamp!
"No time to argue! Give him the lamp and he'll help you up." Sean said.
(Aladdin gives the Older Prisoner the lamp and he takes it out of his hand)
Jafar: (Returns to his normal voice) Yes! At last! (Laughs)
(Jafar turns his attention to Aladdin and Abu. He kicks Abu away and grabs Aladdin by his wrist)
Aladdin: What are you doing?
Jafar: (In his Older Prisoner voice) Giving you your reward. (Returns to his normal voice and pulls out a crooked dagger) Your eternal reward.
Sean: (V/O as Jafar) Which is death.
Sean: (Narrating) Abu bites Jafar on his arm, causing him to drop both Aladdin and Abu down into the Cave of Wonders and leaving them to die. And Jafar is victorious for acquiring the lamp. The end.
(The end credits are shown while "A Whole New World" by Regina Belle and Peabo Bryson starts playing)
"Dude! Seriously?!" Brian asked.
"What?" Sean asked.
"Enough of the fake-outs! You do know that the audience hates it when you do that?" Brian asked.
"Oh, come on. The audience likes it when I pull fake-out on 'em. Ain't that right, guys?" Sean asked until an audience member takes a shot at Sean with a gun as the bullet misses him and hits the wall. "You're right, the audience hates it."
Sean: (Narrating) No, actually Jafar's victory is short-lived when he loses the lamp. Meanwhile, the Sultan tries to console Jasmine and she tells him that Jafar has done something terrible.
The Sultan: There, there, my dear. We'll set it right. Now, tell me everything.
(Cut to a shot of the palace)
Sean: (V/O as the Sultan, sounding angry) What the devil do you mean by you snuck out of the palace?! The streets are too dangerous for you! (as Jasmine) But, Father. I… (as Sultan) NO BUTS! Now, it's time to set you straight, young woman!
(Cut to the next scene)
Sean: (Narrating) Aladdin wakes up to learn that the guy betrayed him and we see that Abu has stole the lamp away from Jafar. And when he rubs the lamp, we get…
(The Genie comes out of the lamp)
Genie (Voiced by Robin Williams): Aaaaaahhhhhh! Oy! 10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck.
"Easily the best damn character in this movie." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) The late, great Robin Williams voices the Genie and yes, I'm a big fan of this character. Robin Williams performed this character perfectly and his comedy in the movie is hilarious. He always puts his all into and it really shows.
Genie: It's all part and parcel, the whole genie gig.
(The Genie grows to a gigantic size)
Genie: Phenomenal cosmic powers!
(A clip from the 2019 live-action remake of Aladdin is shown)
Genie (Played by Will Smith): But an itty-bitty living space.
"Will Smith, you're good as the Genie in the remake, but Robin Williams will always be the king." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He is a lot of fun in this movie. He gets to improvise so much of his lines that they had almost sixteen hours of material. Sixteen hours of material. Holy shit. Also, from what I've read, Williams received calls from Steven Spielberg who was busy filming Schindler's List at the time and Williams would put him on speaker phone so he can tell jokes to him just to the cast and crew just to cheer them up. Some of the material that he used was material that he was using for the film.
"But yeah, he is my favorite character that we come to…" Sean said.
(The next musical number, showing the Genie in the cave with Aladdin, Carpet and Abu as he performs his song "Friend Like Me")
Genie: (Singing) Well, Ali Baba had them 40 thieves. Scheherazade had a thousand tales. But, master, you're in luck, 'cause up your sleeves. You got a brand of magic never fails.
"One of my favorite and catchiest songs from the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, before "We Don't Talk About Bruno" became an earsore like "Let It Go" and "Hakuna Matata". This song was catchy as hell from Day 1 and it is still everybody's favorite song from the movie. As much as I love "A Whole New World", I happen to enjoy this song and listen to it every time I'm in a good mood.
"You know that one Christmas song that plays on the radio? Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses is one of them that my mother tends to listen to when it comes on. Well, this song happens to be like a Christmas song that plays every year." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Everybody loves it because it's catchy as hell and it gives us a chance to see Robin Williams show off his singing chops. After that musical number, the Genie tells Aladdin that he can grant him only three wishes, but there are certain rules to making wishes.
Genie: Ah, rule number one, I can't kill anybody. (He slices his head off with his finger) So don't ask. Rule number two, I can't make anybody fall in love with anybody else. (His head turns into a big pair of lips, which kiss Aladdin) You little ponem there. (Lies flat, then gets up and transforms into a zombie) Rule number three. I can't bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty picture. I don't like doing it! (Grabs Aladdin and shakes him before he poofs back to normal) Other than that, you got it.
"Yeah, I'm pretty clear that the Genie from Ducktales The Movie has explained the rules for making three wishes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aladdin and Abu tricks the Genie into getting them out of the cave without wishing for him to do that. And we cut to the Sultan is giving Jafar a stern talking to and he apologizes to Jasmine, but she's not putting up with his crap and she leaves. And Iago comes up with a brilliant plan.
Iago: What if you were the chump husband?
Jafar: What?
Iago: Okay, you marry the princess, all right? And, and, uh, then you become the sultan.
Jafar: Oh. Marry the shrew. I become the sultan. The idea has merit.
"Ewww. Yuck. Dude, you're old and creepy." Sean said, looking uneasy.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Aladdin gets to know the Genie and asks him what he would wish for and he reveals the one wish that he would make.
Genie: Freedom.
Aladdin: You're a prisoner?
Genie: It's all part and parcel of the whole genie gig. (Grows gigantic, voice echoes) Phenomenal cosmic powers… (Shrinks down, cramped in Magic Lamp) Itty bitty living space.
Aladdin: Genie, that's terrible.
"I bet his master was Merlock from Ducktales the Movie. That dude was a monster." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aladdin promises to use his last wish to free the Genie after he makes his first two wishes. So, Aladdin makes his first wish to be a prince. So he turns Aladdin into a fabulously rich prince and Abu into an elephant. At least he didn't turn him into the actual Prince. (A picture of the singer Prince is shown next to Aladdin) Meanwhile, Jafar tells the Sultan his solution to Jasmine's problem by convincing him to marry his daughter. Again, ewww. So he does this by using his staff to brainwash him with it.
Jafar: You will order the princess to marry me.
The Sultan: (Mesmerized) I will order the princess to… (The spell breaks momentarily) But you're so old.
"Hey, it didn't stop David Foster marrying Katherine McPhee." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jafar tries to put the Sultan under his spell, he is interrupted by a huge parade from outside…
"Better yet, cue the song." Sean said.
(The fourth song "Prince Ali" begins)
Genie: (In human form, singing) Prince Ali, fabulous he Ali Ababwa. Genuflect, show some respect. Down on one knee. Now, try your best to stay calm. Brush up your Sunday salaam. Then come and his spectacular coterie.
"Okay, let me just say this. This is the best damn entrance for a prince that I've ever seen in a movie." Sean said.
(One part of the song shows Iago dancing to the song and Jafar glares at him and another part of the song where Jafar and Iago get crushed by the door after Abu kicks it open)
Sean: (Narrating) I think the funny part of the song is where Iago is getting into the song and he starts dancing and also Jafar and Iago getting injured comedically. How can you not laugh at the villain getting injured? It's hilarious.
(The song ends, Aladdin, disguised as a prince, introduces himself to the Sultan)
Aladdin: Your Majesty, I have journeyed from afar to seek your daughter's hand.
The Sultan: Prince Ali Ababwa. Of course. (Shakes Aladdin's hand) I'm delighted to meet you. This is my royal vizier, Jafar. He's delighted, too.
Jafar: (Extremely dryly) Ecstatic.
Sean: (Narrating) The Sultan takes a liking to Aladdin, but Jafar is suspicious of him and plus, he's ruining his plan. Jasmine walks in on Aladdin and Jafar competing for her and she gets ticked off.
Jasmine: How dare you. All of you. Standing around deciding my future? I am not a prize to be won!
(Jasmine storms out)
The Sultan: Oh, dear.
"So, uh, no chance in marrying your daughter?" Sean asked, imitating Aladdin.
Sean: (Narrating) Aladdin is bummed out that Jasmine won't talk to him, so he consults with the Genie for some help.
Genie: (Impersonates Jack Nicholson) All right, Sparky, here's the deal. If you wanna court the little lady, you gotta be a straight shooter. Do you got it?
Aladdin: What?
Genie: (Back to normal, wearing a mortarboard. He points out his words on a blackboard) Tell her the… TRUTH!
Aladdin: No way! If Jasmine found out I was really some crummy street rat, she'd laugh at me.
"Oh, don't worry. She'll like you for who you are. Even though you're lying about being a prince. That's gonna get you in trouble." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aladdin goes to see Jasmine to talk to her but then he is confronted by Rajah who tries to make a meal out of him. And there's something odd about this scene. Hear what Aladdin says right when he's trying to shoo Rajah away. I'm pretty sure that it contains a subliminal message.
Aladdin: Good teenagers take off your clothes.
"Did you hear that?! Let's hear it again." Sean said
Aladdin: Good teenagers take off your clothes.
"And again." Sean said.
Aladdin: Good teenagers take off your clothes.
A/N: Actually, Aladdin is saying "Good kitty, take off."
"Okay, he's actually saying, "Good kitty, take off." and I'm pretty sure that they fixed this in the Special Edition DVD and on Disney Plus. But come one, if you owned it on VHS, you can clearly hear that subliminal message." Sean said.
Jasmine: (Sees Aladdin with his turban off) Do I know you?
Aladdin: (Puts his turban back on his head) Uh, no. No.
Jasmine: You remind me of someone I met in the marketplace.
Aladdin: The marketplace?
"You must've met my twin brother, Alonzo." Sean said, imitating Aladdin, then he returns to his normal voice. "I mean, seriously! How could you not recognize him in that outfit?!"
Sean: (Narrating) Aladdin woos Jasmine and they both go on a magic carpet ride and we get our next musical sequence. And yes, this is the love song for the movie that we all know and love and we get an 8-bit rendition of it on the Super Nintendo game with a level based on this scene.
(The next song, "A Whole New World" sung by Brad Kane and Lea Salonga, starts playing as we see Aladdin and Jasmine flying on the Magic Carpet through Agrabah)
Aladdin: (Sings) A whole new world. A new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no or where to go or say we're only dreaming.
Jasmine (Singing voice performed by Lea Salonga): A whole new world. A dazzling place I never knew. But when I'm way up here, it's crystal clear. That now I'm in a whole new world with you.
"And yes, I am aware that is not Linda Larkin singing, that's Lea Salonga performing the singing voice for Jasmine. She also played Elodie Hanrada, Mouse's mother in Pretty Little Liars: Original Sin. Awesome show. Go check it out." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You wanna know what I love about this sequence, they flew through Agrabah through Egypt through Athens and they end up in China. Did they go all Superman IV on our asses with this sequence? But their little romantic moment is ruined when Jasmine does this to him.
Jasmine: It's a shame Abu had to miss this.
Aladdin: Nah. He hates fireworks. He doesn't really like flying, either. Uh, that is, um… Oh, no.
Jasmine: (Removes the turban from off of Aladdin's head) You are the boy from the market. I knew it. Why did you lie to me?
Aladdin: Jasmine, I'm sorry.
Jasmine: Did you think I was stupid?
Aladdin: No.
"No, we think that Candace Cameron Bure's "Traditional Marriage" comment is rude and stupid. I'm siding with JoJo Siwa on this one. See? This is why I like Stephanie Tanner better than DJ Tanner." Sean said.
Jasmine: Who are you? Tell me the truth.
Aladdin: The truth?
(A clip from A Few Good Men is shown)
Col. Nathan R. Jessup (Played by Jack Nicholson): You can't handle the truth!
Aladdin: The truth is… I sometimes dress as a commoner, um, to escape the pressures of palace life.
Sean: (V/O as Magic Carpet) Are you kidding me?!
Aladdin: But I really am a prince.
Jasmine: Why didn't you just tell me?
Aladdin: Well, you know, uh, royalty going out into the city in disguise, it sounds a little strange, don't you think?
"No. Seeing you dressed as your character in an episode of Full House is strange." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jasmine believes his story and she immediately falls in love with him. But before he flies off, they have their first kiss. Well, that's one way to end the night perfectly. Until it gets ruined by Razoul and the asshole patrol as they capture and kidnap Aladdin and Jafar shows up to show how much of a dick he is because of him ruining his scheme to marry Jasmine. So, they just knock him out and drop him over a cliff into the sea while his ankles are attached to a large metal ball and chain.
"Damn! What a bunch of assholes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, Aladdin has the lamp hidden in his turban as he tries to reach for it to free the Genie)
(Aladdin tries to reach for the lamp. He begins to struggle towards it due to the ball and chain attached to his ankles. The drowning theme from Sonic the Hedgehog plays in the background until Aladdin passes out due to the lack of oxygen)
Sean: (Narrating) Aladdin ends up freeing the Genie after the lamp rolls over and he saves his life, using up his second wish and now it's time to deal with Jafar, who at the moment has brainwashed the Sultan so he can marry Jasmine and Aladdin shows up to put Jafar in his place.
Aladdin: Tell them the truth, Jafar. You tried to have me killed.
Jafar: What? Ridiculous nonsense, Your Highness. He is obviously lying.
The Sultan: (Brainwashed) Obviously lying.
Jasmine: Father, what's wrong with you?
Aladdin: I know what's wrong.
(Aladdin grabs Jafar's cobra staff and shatters it, breaking the spell)
"Are you kidding me?! I've had this staff custom made for me! Now how the hell am I going to brainwash people with it?!" Sean asked, imitating Jafar.
Sean: (Narrating) Aladdin shows the Sultan Jafar's staff that he was controlling him with it and he orders the guards to have him arrested for being a traitor but not before Jafar sees that Aladdin has the lamp in his possession and he figures out his true identity.
Jafar: (Pulls a vial from his pocket) This is not done yet, boy!
(Aladdin sees this and rushes him, but Jafar throws the vial to the floor and a large red cloud appears)
Sean: (V/O as Jafar) Next time, Aladdin! Next time! (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) Jafar escapes and the Sultan is happy that Jasmine has picked Aladdin to be her suitor, which means that he'll become sultan. Which makes Aladdin wracked with guilt about his lie. Fearing that he'll lose Jasmine if the truth is revealed, he breaks his promise to the Genie.
Aladdin: What if they find out I'm not really a prince? What if Jasmine finds out? I'd lose her. Genie, I' can't keep this up on my own. I can't wish you free.
Genie: Fine. I understand. After all, you've lied to everyone else. Hey, I was beginning to feel left out. Now, if you'll excuse me, master.
(Genie goes back inside his lamp)
"I do not want to be serving a guy who's going to be a liar and a complete asshole. Little prick." Sean said, imitating the Genie as he begins to leave the room.
Sean: (Narrating) Aladdin takes his anger out on the Genie, Abu and Carpet. But then he decides to tell Jasmine the truth, but it's just Iago tricking him just so he can steal the lamp. He brings it to Jafar and he releases the Genie.
Genie: You know, Al, I'm getting really… I don't think you're him. Tonight, the part of Al will be played by a tall, dark and sinister ugly man.
"Are you talking about Scott Baio or Kevin Sorbo?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Jafar makes his first wish, which is for him to rule as Sultan. And yes, this is a Disney movie, you know that things will get dark involving a villain. Also, here's a Wilhelm Scream.
(As the gigantic Genie lifts the palace up, the people of Agrabah are running and screaming and the Wilhelm Scream is heard)
Aladdin: Genie, no!
Genie: Sorry, kid. I got a new master now.
(The Genie places the palace on top of a mountain)
Sean: (Narrating) Jafar makes his second wish, which is to become the most powerful sorcerer in the world and he makes the Sultan and Jasmine bow to him and turning Raja into an adorable kitten. And on top of all of that, he even exposes Aladdin by revealing his true identity and we get the best rendition of Prince Ali performed by Jonathan Freeman and I absolutely just love it.
(The "Prince Ali (Reprise)" sung by Jonathan Freeman starts)
Jafar: (Sings) So Ali turns out to be merely Aladdin. (Turns Abu back into a monkey) Just a con, need I go on, take it from me. His personality flaws. Give me adequate cause. To send him packing on a one-way trip, so his prospects take a terminal dip. His assets frozen, the venu chosen is the ends of the Earth, whoopee! So long!
Iago: Goodbye, see ya!
Jafar: (Sings) Ex-Prince Ali!
(Jafar starts laughing maniacally)
"I've got nothing to say. I absolutely just love this scene." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jafar send Aladdin to the Artic along with Abu and Carpet, but luckily the three of them manage to get out there after Aladdin learns the error of his ways after things turn to shit. So, they fly back to Agrabah to set things right and also it's climax time as we see that Iago is stuffing crackers down the Sultan's throat and Jafar has Jasmine as his love slave.
Jafar: A beautiful desert bloom such as yourself should be on the arm of the most powerful man in the world. What do you say, my dear. Why, with you as my queen…
Jasmine: (Throws a drink in his face) Never.
Jafar: (Enraged growl) I'll teach you some respect.
"Wow, that's family-friendly right there. Teaching your kids how to keep your pimp hand strong. And this is how Jafar keeps his pimp hand strong." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jafar tries to make his final wish which is to marry Jasmine, but the Genie won't grant his wish because that is one of the rules. Jasmine sees Aladdin and she ends up distracting Jafar by pretending that the wish has been granted.
Jasmine: Jafar. I never realized how incredibly handsome you are.
(Jafar looks surprised while the Genie's jaw drops in shock)
Jafar: Mmm. That's better. (Pulls the Genie's jaw up like a shade) Now, pussycat, tell me more about myself.
Jasmine: (Seductively) You're tall, dark… well-dressed…
Jafar: Go on.
Jasmine: And your beard is so twisted.
"God forbid if there's a Jafar/Jasmine fanfic on Fanfiction. Maybe somebody wrote one that's a dominating romance fanfic." Sean said as a photoshopped image of a fanfic, which contains Jafar and Jasmine and is titled "Slave to Love", is shown. "Yeah, please tell me that you don't see these two in the Fifty Shades Darker trailer."
(The Fifty Shades Darker trailer is shown while the song "Crazy in Love" by Miguel plays in the background. We see that the heads of Jasmine and Jafar are pasted onto Anastasia and Christian)
Taylor: (V/O as Jasmine) Are you just gonna stand there gawking?
Sean: (V/O as Jafar) Yes, Princess.
(Back to the film, Iago sees Aladdin and tries to warn Jafa
Iago: (Gasping) Jafar…
(Abu jumps on Iago to shut him up)
Jafar: And the street rat?
Jasmine: What street rat?
"Forget about him. He's all covered in fleas." Sean said, imitating Jasmine.
Sean: (Narrating) Jasmine kisses Jafar and I love seeing Aladdin, Abu and Iago's reaction. But Jafar sees the reflection of Aladdin on Jasmine's crown and he tries to kill him. And if you think that The Lion King whipped out some food puns, then here are some puns that Jafar has whipped up for the climax.
Jafar: Ah, ah, ah, Princess. Your time is up.
(Jasmine is zapped into a giant hourglass)
Jafar: Don't toy with me!
(Jafar zaps Abu and turns him into a wind-up monkey toy)
Jafar: Things are unraveling fast now, boy.
(Jafar laughs as he zaps Carpet, unraveling it)
Jafar: Get the point?
(Aladdin's path is blocked by large swords sticking in the floor)
"Okay, okay, okay! Enough! Enough of the puns, Jafar Bonaduce! Jesus Christ. You know for a powerful sorcerer, you sure don't know how to keep your mouth shut." Sean said.
Jafar: You'll get what's coming to you.
"Excuse me? What do you mean by that?" Sean asked.
Jafar then zaps Sean with his staff, turning the young movie critic's head into Michael Myers.
"Okay, that is SO NOT COOL!" Sean yelled out.
Aladdin: Are you afraid to fight me yourself, you cowardly snake?
Jafar: A snake, am I? Perhaps you'd like to see how snakelike I can be.
Sean: (Narrating) Jafar turns into a giant cobra. Fun fact: this form of Jafar and Jafar as the older prisoner were both animated by animator Kathy Zieslinski, who was pregnant at the time. Yeah, she animated them before her water broke. So, we get out mano y mano duel between Aladdin and Jafar and we get some comedy.
Genie: (As a cheerleader singing) Rick 'em, rack 'em, rock 'em, rake! Stick that sword into that snake!
Jafar: You stay out of this!
Genie: Jafar, Jafar, he's our man. If he can't do it… GREAT!
Sean: (Narrating) Aladdin continues to fight Jafar and stabs him. Again, very appropriate for a Disney movie and Disney is known for having their villains die brutally. He tries to free Jasmine but Jafar wraps him up, but Aladdin has a little plan to defeat Jafar when he tells him that the Genie has more power than him and that he'll take his power away. So, Jafar makes his final wish, in which he becomes…
(Jafar makes his his final wish, in which he becomes the much powerful genie in the world)
Jafar: Yes Yes! The power! The absolute power!
"Still the most menacing looking genie than in the remake." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Jafar is forgetting about the perks of being a genie.
Aladdin: Not so fast, Jafar. Aren't you forgetting something?
Jafar: Huh?
Aladdin: You wanted to be a genie, you got it.
(Shackles appear on Jafar's wrists)
Jafar: What?
Aladdin: And everything that goes with it.
Jafar: No! No!
Iago: I'm getting outta here! (Flies away)
Aladdin: Phenomenal cosmic powers…
(Iago tries to fly away, but gets sucked into the lamp with Jafar)
Iago: You're the genie. I don't want…
Aladdin: Itty bitty living space.
(A clip from Ren & Stimpy is shown)
Ren (Voiced by John Kricfalusi): You fat, bloated idiot! (Smacks Stimpy)
Sean: (Narrating) Everything returns to normal and Jafar and Iago are flung too far into the desert in Jafar's lamp. Aladdin apologizes to Jasmine for lying to her about being a prince. As for Aladdin, he makes his last wish.
Aladdin: Genie, I wish for your freedom.
Genie: One bona fide prince pedigree coming up. Ah… what?
Aladdin: Genie, you're free.
(The Genie is free as we see his shackles fall off. The lamp falls uselessly to the ground. The Genie picks it up and looks at it)
Genie: Heh, heh. I'm free. I'm free. Quick Quick. Wish for something outrageous. Say, "I want the Nile." Wish for the Nile. Try that.
Aladdin: Uh, I wish for the Nile.
Genie: No way! (Laughs gleefully)
Sean: (Narrating) Aladdin and Genie say their goodbyes and yes, I get a little teary-eyed when I watch this scene. As for Aladdin, he gets his happy ending with Jasmine and the two of them start their new life together…
(The final scene shows Aladdin and Jasmine share another kiss and fly off with Carpet near the moon. The words "The End" writes in the sky, the moon laughs and turns around to show that it was really the Genie. The Genie then pulls up the scene)
Genie: Made you look.
Sean: (V/O as Jeffrey Katzenberg) We're replacing you with Castellaneta in the sequel. (V/O as Robin Williams) Fuck you, Katzenberg! I'll be back for Aladdin and the King of Thieves, bitch!
"And that was Aladdin, a massively impressive animated film." Sean said.
(Footage of the film are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) It's hard to come up with any complaints about this movie. You have some great humor from Robin Williams, memorable characters, the animation looks amazing as always, the music score by Alan Menken is memorable and one of my favorites, a great story. Everything about this movie is amazing. This is one of Disney's biggest hits that everybody loved… until The Lion King became the biggest hit that Disney made two years later. Aladdin played all its cards right at the right time to the right audience, so much that people will go see the same exact thing with Will Smith in it. Yeah, prepare for a future review for the remake. Aladdin's popularity won't be banished to the Cave of Wonders anytime soon. Aladdin comes in at 5 rubies out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and now if you'll excuse me, I have a certain special that I have to prepare for next week." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch and picks up his Cap 'n Crunch t-shirt.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Good teenagers take off your clothes.
And that was the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all enjoyed this one since Aladdin is one of my favorite Disney movies of all time. With another review done, it's time to move on to the next chapter and we do this every year in the summertime and in November. Let me just say this with one word… COMMERCIALS! Next time, it's commercials time when Sean and Lucas take a look at another batch of commercials in Commercials IX: The Rise of Commercials. Then after the Commercials IX chapter, it's time to take a look at some Christmas movies when The Mayhem Critic reviews the classic 1983 comedy A Christmas Story to see how well it holds up over the years. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to do a co-review with me or if you want to request a movie or a TV show for me to review, then feel free to PM me. Before I go, last week, we just lost a very talented voice actor. We lost Kevin Conroy last week. When my friend Brian, a.k.a Boris Yeltsin, texted me about it I was bummed out. I was depressed and I told my girlfriend Myca about it as well and she couldn't believe it. She felt really sorry for me because I really wanted to meet him at the Comic Expo back in September, but he didn't come because he was ill. Also, my good buddy Lucas a.k.a. UltimateWarriorFan4Ever informed me about it as well. I couldn't even bring myself to watch Batman: Mask of the Phantasm without crying. He was one of the best actors to play Batman and I grew up watching Batman: The Animated Series and Batman: Mask of the Phantasm was one of my favorite animated Batman movies of all time. When I work on Commercials IX, I will be dedicating it to the memory of Mr. Conroy. If you have any fond memories about Kevin Conroy and your favorite Batman moments from him, feel free to share. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.