The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, you guys are in for a real treat because it's that time of the year again. We do this every June and every November and you know what it is… COMMERCIALS! Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic and his good buddy Lucas a.k.a. UltimateWarriorFan4Ever will be looking over at a new batch of commercials. So sit back, relax and grab yourself a cold one to drink. Here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: We do not own anything involved in this chapter. All rights and references belong to their respective sources.
Episode 161
Commercials IX: The Rise of Commercials
(The episode opens with the intro to "Stranger Things" as the theme music plays. We see the words "A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES" shown on screen followed by the names: Winona Ryder, David Harbour, Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard. Then, the buffering screen is shown and we see that it's at 53%. Suddenly, our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic pops up, wearing his "Cap 'n Crunch" t-shirt)
"COMMERCIALS!" Sean yelled out with a smile on his face. "I don't care if you're binge-watching Stranger Things. Commercials are more important. Fuck Stranger Things."
(The words "Kill Sean J. Archer!" is shown)
"Okay, okay, okay! I'm sorry! I love Stranger Things. Just please don't kill me! Uh… CUE THE INTRO!" Sean yelled out before we cut to the intro.
(Different bumpers featuring What-a-Mess the Dog from the ABC Saturday Morning bumper from 1994, Dynamo Duck from a Fox Kids bumper from 1992, a Kids WB bumper from 1997, Felix the Cat from a CBS Saturday Morning bumper and an NBC Saturday Morning bumper from 1988 are shown)
(TV static transitions to: Flintstones Kids Vitamins commercial)
Kid Singers: (Singing) We are Flintstones kids!
Sean: (Narrating) Now here's a classic commercial. Yeah, we all grew up. They were introduced in 1968 by Miles Laboratories. I'm one of those children who grew up with Flintstones Vitamins and if you're younger, since it's still around. So what makes this commercial very memorable? It's this catchy jingle.
(One commercial shows a little boy and a little girl trying to climb up on a stool)
Kid Singers: (Singing) We are Flintstones kids! Ten million strong and growing…
Announcer: Only one children's vitamin comes complete with the great Flintstones taste and fun character shapes kids love.
"Oh, yeah. Most adults would also agree too…" Sean said as he becomes nervous. "...because mom and dad would come back home just to get some Flintstones Cigarettes."
(We cut to a clip of a Winston Cigarettes sponsor plug for The Flintstones, showing Fred and Wilma lighting up cigarettes and smoking them)
Fred Flintstone (Voiced by Alan Reed): (Singing) Winston tastes good, like a… (clicks cigarette lighter twice) …cigarette should.
(Cut back to the Flintstones Vitamins commercial)
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, they used to sell unhealthy products like cigarettes to adults and now they're selling healthy products to children. And speaking of unhealthy products to adults, here's a Busch Beer commercial.
(We cut to a Busch Beer commercial featuring Fred and Barney)
Fred Flintstone: When you're due for a beer, Busch does it. Ooh, there's a lot of Busch gonna be sold.
Barney Rubble (Voiced by Mel Blanc): Beginning right now. (Holds up a beer mug) Fill 'er up, Fred.
"Hey, here's something family-friendly for The Flintstones. Fruity Pebbles." Lucas said.
(Cut to a Fruity Pebbles commercial featuring Fred and Barney. We see Barney disguised as a rapper to steal Fred's cereal)
Barney Rubble: (Rapping) The Bedrock yellow, orange, purple, lime and red. But to get that fruity taste, I've got to trick Fred.
(Barney takes a bite)
Barney Rubble: Fruit-a-rooty!
Fred Flintstones: (Rapping) To get that fruity taste, he's gotta… (Stops rapping) trick Fred! (Goes after Barney) Barney!
Barney Rubble: Guess that's a wrap!
Sean: (Narrating) It's still a nice commercial with a pretty catchy song.
Kid Singers: (Singing) We are Flintstones kids! Ten million strong…
Girl Singer: (Sings) …and growing.
Lucas: (Narrating) If you're curious to know who was responsible for creating this catchy tune. Well, here's something you outta know, the people who created the jingle were composers Michael Salvatori and Martin O'Donnell. Yeah, the composers for the Halo video game series and the Destiny franchise created the jingle. Also, the little girl who sang the "And growing" part, that was Salvatori's daughter.
"Man, they went from Flintstones Vitamins to one of my favorite video game franchises on the Xbox." Sean said.
"Now, we could tell you the story of how Salvatori and O'Donnell created the jingle, but we don't want to bore you out of your minds." Lucas said.
"Instead, we're gonna end it with this." Sean said.
Kid Singers: (Singing) We are Flinstones kids! Ten million strong…
Girl Singer: (Sings) …and growing.
(TV static transitions to: McDonald's McRib commercial featuring Chuck Conners circa 1992)
(The commercial opens with Chuck Connors entering McDonalds while the theme music from The Rifleman plays in the background)
Announcer: McDonalds introduces the return of the Wild West.
"Wait a minute, are you guys promoting the movie The Rifleman Returns?" Sean asked.
Lucas: (Narrating) No, it's not a promo for The Rifleman Returns or McDonald's promoting the movie. No, this is McDonalds promoting the return of the McRib. Before the McRib made it's "Farewell Tour" this year, back in the 80s, when it was first introduced in 1981 sales were a bit mixed and was taken off the menu in 1985. But several years later it became popular in Germany and Luxembourg. So, they brought back the McRib in 1989. And you know what we love about the sandwich is it's saucy goodness.
Sean: (Narrating) And what better way to promote the commercial is Lucas McCain himself, Chuck Connors.
Cashier: (Smiles) May I take your order?
Chuck Connors: Yes, ma'am. I reckon you can.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yep, that's right, folks. Chuck Connors from The Rifleman is in a McDonald's McRib commercial. And he's getting himself a saucy McRib to eat. Yeah, when you think of The Rifleman, you think of Chuck Connors and the McRib. I would've thought that he would get himself a Big Mac and a Shamrock Shake. But this is fine. He just loves the taste of them fused riblets.
Announcer: For a limited time, try the saucy, sassy McRib or an eye openin' Western Omelette McMuffin for breakfast.
"Wait, what?" Sean asked.
Announcer: …or an eye openin' Western Omelette McMuffin for breakfast.
"Wait, that existed?" Sean asked.
"Yep. It existed. And it never came back." Lucas said.
"Hey, if McDonalds can bring back the bagel sandwiches, then they better bring back the Western Omelette McMuffin. I love a good western omelette." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, is it just me or does the Announcer sounds a tad bit like Hoyt Axton from Gremlins?
Announcer: McDonalds introduces the return of the Wild West.
"I feel like this dude is going to tell me a story about Gremlins." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) For a limited time, try the saucy, sassy McRib or an eye openin' Western Omelette McMuffin for breakfast. And let me take the time to tell a story about how I gave my son a Mogwai for Christmas.
Chuck Connors: (To the cowboys) Howdy, boys. Mind if I join ya?
(The cowboys starts running out of McDonalds)
Singer: (Sings) What you want is what you get.
Sean and Lucas start laughing at the cowboys acting like cowards.
"Okay, that's the best part of this commercial." Lucas laughed.
Lucas: (Narrating) I just love the cowboys reaction to seeing Chuck Connors. They know he's The Rifleman and he's not afraid to shoot a man. I mean, come on. Chuck Connors is a nice guy. He just wants to join you guys.
Chuck Connors: Howdy, boys. Mind if I join ya'?
Lucas: (V/O as Cowboy) Holy cow shit, it's Lucas McCain! Run, boys!
"You know for a commercial that is terrific, they should've added Johnny Crawford ordering fries. That would've made the commercial much better." Sean said.
Announcer: Mosey in now for the mouth-waterin' barbecue taste of a McRib sandwich for just 99 cents. The 99 cent McRib, at McDonalds today.
"WHAT?!" Sean and Lucas both shouted in surprise.
"99 cents for a McRib? That's… a pretty decent deal. I can buy three of those things." Sean said.
"Count me in, broski. Better make that 4 McRibs. I'm sure you won't eat all of them." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) It's a classic commercial featuring a great actor from a classic Western TV show that just goes to show that the Wild West lives.
Singer: (Sings) What you want is what you get…
Announcer: …at McDonalds today.
(TV static transitions to: Seagrams Golden Wine Cooler commercials featuring Bruce Willis)
(The commercial opens with Bruce Willis stepping out on the porch while holding a bottle of Seagrams Golden Wine Coolers)
Bruce Willis: Hey, big fellas! Look here. (Starts singing) Seagrams. Golden wine coolers, Seagrams.
"Well, this commercial aged gracefully." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Before he became John McClane in Die Hard, Bruce Willis was shelling out some golden wine coolers for Seagrams. And he was the spokesperson for it.
"And yes, this is Moonlighting-Bruce Willis." Lucas said as a poster for the TV show Moonlighting is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this guy was shellin' out Seagrams Wine Coolers and you see him singing about it and even probably dancing. This goes to show that this guy loves his wine coolers.
(Cut to a Seagrams commercial where Bruce Willis is sitting at a bar and three beautiful women approach them and they start dancing out on the street)
Bruce Willis: (Singing) Sittin' at a bar in the swanky part of town. Where anything can look me up and down. I have my Seagrams wine coolers.
Lucas: (Narrating) Look at this, this is Bruce Willis just showing off his musical chops. At least it's not bad like his soundtrack The Return of Bruno.
"Okay, we do not mention that abomination on my show. Never." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from him singing and dancing, there are some commercials that I like where he's talking to a hot chick and tries to hit on them.
Bruce Willis: (To the woman) Having fun? (To the bartender) Seagrams Golden Wine Cooler.
Brunette Woman (Played by Karen Kopins): I'm waiting for my friends.
Bruce Willis: Oh, so when he arrives that's when the fun starts?
(An attractive blonde woman arrives)
Brunette Woman: She. Pity you don't have friends.
Bruce Willis: Maybe I do.
"Well, maybe Bruce Willis wants to have a threesome with them. He'll take them to his place and give them a Brazzers-style…" Lucas said as he turns his attention towards Sean and notices him typing on his laptop.
"El was in the throws of passion, having her own best friend Max and her boyfriend Mike, both pleasuring her at the same time." Sean said while typing on his laptop.
"Are you writing a hot smutfic for Stranger Things?" Lucas asked.
"Yeah. And trust me, it's going to be hotter than Brazzers." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Check out this commercial. He's sitting at a bar and he hits on her. Or he's just trying to sell her some Seagrams.
Bruce Willis: Why don't you try something you never had before.
Attractive Blonde (Played by Sharon Stone): Is that a line?
Bruce Willis: No, it's a drink. Seagrams Golden Wine Cooler. It's wet, it's dry, it's new and it's Seagrams.
Sean: (Narrating) And in case you're wondering who the smoking hot blonde is in the commercial, that's Sharon Stone. Yeah, that's before she showed the beaver in Basic Instinct and you see her in a Seagrams commercial with Bruce Willis.
Attractive Blonde: You sound like a commercial.
Bruce Willis: You buyin' it?
Attractive Blonde: The drink? Yeah. But not the line.
Bruce Willis: It's a start.
"Wow, this is like everybody's favorite movie fantasy. Seeing Bruce Willis and Sharon Stone in a movie together. Come to think of it, did they star in a movie together?" Sean asked.
"I think they did." Lucas said.
"Let me check." Sean said as he grabbed his Samsung Galaxy S22 Ultra phone and began to check to see what movie Bruce Willis and Sharon Stone starred in together. "Oh. Looks like they did. They both starred in the movie Alpha Dog together."
Lucas: (Narrating) Yep. Before they starred in the movie Alpha Dog with Justin Timberlake, they both appeared in a Seagrams commercial. Wow, Bruce Willis hitting on Sharon Stone in a commercial. Couldn't he do a commercial with Demi Moore?
Sean: (Narrating) As fun as these commercials are, there's one line that he says that rubs me the wrong way.
(Cut to a from a Seagrams commercial)
Bruce Willis: (Singing) Golden Wine Cooler, it's wet and it's dry.
"Come again?" Sean asked.
Bruce Willis: (Singing) Golden Wine Cooler, it's wet and it's dry.
"Uh…. What?" Lucas asked, looking confused.
Bruce Willis: It's wet and it's dry.
"It's wet and it's dry?" Sean asked. "What the hell does that even mean? How can a drink be wet and dry."
"Where's Michael Scott from The Office when you need him? I'm waiting for him to say "That's What She Said!" after Bruce Willis says that line." Lucas said.
(Cut to a Seagrams Golden Wine Cooler commercial where Bruce Willis is at a wedding)
Bruce Willis: (To the bride) Have a toast. Seagrams Golden. It's wet, it's dry and it's Seagrams.
(A clip from The Office is shown)
Michael Scott (Played by Steve Carrell): That's what she said! (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) What can we say about them? These ads are fun to watch and just to see Bruce Willis have a little fun to.
"A toast to you Mr. Willis." Sean said as he holds up a bottle of Seagram's Escapes Jamaican Me Happy in his hand. "A toast to you and your retirement."
Lucas: (Narrating) What can we say about this drink? It's wet, it's dry and it's Seagram's.
Sean: (Narrating) Yippie-Ki-Yay, Mr. Seagram.
(Cut to a Seagram's commercial where Bruce Willis is singing. We see the name "Seagrams" followed by the slogan "This Is Where the Fun Starts")
(TV static transitions to: Monster High "Higher Deaducation" commercial circa 2010)
(The commercial opens up with the words "Monster High" popping up on the screen while showing footage of various teens sitting in class and hanging in the hallways.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Well, what do you know? This right here was the commercial that introduced every girl to the fang-tabulous world of Monster High.
"Yeah, that was a horrible pun, so deal with it." Lucas crossed his arms to the camera.
(Clips of various Monster High commercials begin to play out while the theme song plays in the background at the same time.)
Sean: (Narrating) What exactly is Monster High, you may ask? Well, for those of you with less curious minds wants to know, it was one of Mattel's most popular doll lines from the entire 2010's. Imagine Bratz, but instead of regular everyday teenage girls, you get many daughters and sons of famous movie monsters we all grew up with. Besides the dolls that it came with also came with an assload of merchandise from clothing to bedding to Funko Pops to full-length movies and even a pretty good webtoon series. Even though we were quite too old for the dolls, we gotta admit that the animation looks very fluid and pretty damn good.
Lucas: (Narrating) And believe it or not, it even sprouted a spinoff of its own called Ever After High back in 2013. How do I know that? Well, I ought to know since one of the students in Monster High actually transferred to Ever After High. Yes, I know my complete knowledge of the series, I am aware of it.
"BRING BACK EVER AFTER HIGH, YOU COWARDS!" Lucas shouted to the camera, all while aiming his magnum straight to the camera as well.
"You see what you did to him now, Mattel?" Sean said as he pointed to Lucas, "You now turned him homicidal all because you stopped production on Ever After High. And my friend makes hot smutfics for that fandom!"
Sean: (Narrating) Of course, our precious dear narrator introduces you to these dear students that will leave some teenage boy sexually confused.
Narrator: Monster High, the perfect learning environment for teen children of legendary monsters, like new student Frankie Stein.
Frankie Stein (voiced by Kate Higgins): I feel so alive here–
(Frankie's hand then flies out of her wrist.)
Frankie Stein: Oh, not again.
"Geez, I wonder which unlucky fucker got hit as a result of that blunder." Lucas replied.
(The clip of Frankie's hand getting tossed is shown yet again, only this time, it gets cut to a scene in which Chad Knight from "Up All Knight" gets bonked right in the head thanks to Frankie's hand.)
(The commercial continues yet again showing Lagoona Blue as she's sitting down in an indoor pool.)
Narrator: Lagoona Blue, swim team.
Lagoona Blue (voiced by Laura Bailey): Our swim team's fast.
(A pirahna pops up out of the pool)
Lagoona Blue: *points to the pirahna* The piranhas help.
"Especially if they want to make fish food out of those suckass Olympic swimmers." Sean replied.
Narrator: Clawdeen Wolf…
Clawdeen Wolf (voiced by Salli Saffioti): Our moonlight dances are fierce. *howls* Awoooo!
"Dang, she's quite a howler." Lucas replied, "Imagine if Clawdeen's like that in the bedroom."
"If she's like that, then you expect a lot of bloody scratches on your body." Sean nodded to his friend, "Hell, she'd probably be even more fierce than Taylor is."
"I HEARD THAT!" Taylor shouted off screen.
Narrator: Vegan vampire, Draculaura!
Draculaura (voiced by Debi Derryberry): Our cafeteria's got lots of dishes without blood.
(Draculaura sees blood-covered meat and faints.)
"Ah, that's the same type of reaction Nicolette Shea gets when she sees manmeat in front of her face." Sean smirked out.
Narrator: Hot couple, Cleo and Deuce.
Cleo DeNile (voiced by Salli Saffioti): Fear leader captain. *points to Deuce* That's my boyfriend. *points to camera* Don't go there.
(Deuce opens his eyes and breaks the camera lens.)
"Damn, now I know why the other girls wouldn't want to hit on her boyfriend." Lucas replied, "They would get turned to fucking stone there!"
"Yeah, you would have the rest of the entire female student body frozen in stone cold rock." Sean shrugged to the camera, "Imagine having him as your friend when you wanna go grab beer."
(Cutaway gag starts.)
(We see Brian, who is dressed up as Deuce Gorgon from "Monster High", place 2 12-pack cases of Coors Light on the counter. The cashier then checks out the two packs of beer before looking at the customer with a smile.)
Cashier: That'll be $12.95.
(Brian/Deuce checks his wallet out of his pants.)
Brian/Deuce: I'm sorry, I'm a little short on cash, so…
(Brian/Deuce opens his sunglasses and turns the cashier into stone with his reptilian eyes.)
Brian/Deuce: Heh, douchebag.
(Brian/Deuce then puts his sunglasses on before he leaves the liquor store with both 12-packs in hand.)
(Cutaway gag ends.)
"You know, now that I think about it, that would kick major ass." Lucas nodded.
Sean smirked yet again before saying, "Indeed, free beer without any criminal trouble for the taking!"
(Pictures of the 2022 live-action movie, "Monster High: The Movie" and animated series "Monster High: The Series" are shown in order.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Nowadays, the series recently made its long-awaited return in the form of a new live-action movie released this year, alongside a brand new animated series which is now on Nickelodeon and Paramount Plus for everyone to get their gruesome monster-filled kicks. We'll get to the movie soon, though.
Sean: (Narrating) Monster High, scaring teenage hearts since 2010. Even if the girls over there do dress like strangely hot-looking sluts.
Narrator: Dying to enroll?
(The Monster High website is shown.)
Narrator: Sign up here. Monster High, where freaky just got fabulous!
Lucas: (Narrating) But seriously, bring back Ever After High. That shit was dope.
(TV static transitions to: PayDay Hotline commercial from 1995)
(The commercial opens with a young man calling somebody on the phone and holding a PayDay candy bar. The woman that answers isn't shown fully, only the lower part of her face is seen)
Woman: Hi. Who's this?
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, now this is a weird one. In this PayDay commercial, a guy calls a sex hotline and let's just say that things don't get quite hot and steamy. It's probably the most strangest call ever that this lady gets.
Woman: Who's this?
(The man covers the caption "Caramel Peanut Bar" on his Payday wrapper with his finger)
Man: Uh… Mel.
"According to your credit card information, it says that your name is "Matthew"." Lucas said, imitating the woman.
Woman: Mmmm, what are you thinking about, Mel?
Man: (Eats the candy bar) Something sweet.
Woman: Mmm, like what?
Man: Caramel.
"Oookay, sounds a bit different but I can go for that." Sean said, imitating the woman.
Woman: But caramel's so different. What would you like to do with it?
Man: I'd, uh, cover it with roasted peanuts.
Lucas: (V/O as the woman) Mmm, did you say "roasted penis"?
Sean: (V/O as the man) No, I said "roasted peanuts".
Lucas: (V/O as the woman) Am I being Punk'd?
Woman: Mmm. Roasted peanuts in creamy caramel. Oh, Mel. You're making me so…
"Hot? Horny? Confused?" Lucas asked.
Woman: (Smiling) …hungry.
(The candy bar appears in a close-up with a tagline that reads "What You Want Is a PayDay.", ending the commercial)
Announcer: What you want is a PayDay.
"Okay, now that ad was pretty weird. You have this guy calling a sex hotline to talk to some hot chick who wants to play with his nuts, but instead he's talking about PayDays and covering roasted peanuts in caramel." Sean said.
"Can you imagine that they did something like that for another candy bar?" Lucas asked
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We open with Sean sitting on the couch in his living room and listens to his phone while eating a Snickers bar. We then see an attractive blonde woman, played by Taylor, getting ready to talk to Sean)
Taylor: (On the phone) Hi. Who's this?
Sean: Um… (Looks at his Snickers candy bar and covers the "S" and the "ers") Nick. My name is Nick.
(Again, we only see the lower part of the caller's face with red lipstick on Taylor's lips)
Taylor: Mmm, what are you thinking about, Nick?
Sean: Something sweet.
Taylor: Mmm, like what?
Sean: Chocolate.
Taylor: I love chocolate. What would you like to do with it?
Sean: I'd have it packed with roasted peanuts.
Taylor: Mmm. Roasted peanuts jam packed in chocolate.
Sean: And I'd have it filled with creamy nougat.
Taylor: Oh, God. Roasted peanuts inside chocolate and filled with creamy nougat. Oh, Nick. You're getting me so horny just thinking about your long, hard co…
Sean: Uh, actually. I was talking about a Snickers bar. (We hear the sound that means the caller hung up) Hello? Guess she's not into Snickers.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, it's a pretty weird commercial with a pretty silly punchline. When a woman is craving a taste for nuts, this is not what she meant.
Woman: You're making me so… hungry.
Announcer: What you want is a PayDay.
(TV static transitions to: Pontiac Wide Track commercial featuring Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner circa 2004)
(The commercial opens as the Road Runner is busy running around a deserted road, where he runs past Wile E. Coyote who is wearing a speed suit with a helmet on.)
Sean: (Narrating) Hey look, a Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner cartoon!
Road Runner: *to Coyote* Beep beep!
(The Road Runner turns to the left.)
Sean: (Narrator) He goes for it…
(Wile E. Coyote tries to grab the bird, but misses only to fall off the edge and fall all the way down to a flat surface with a boom.)
Lucas: (Narrating) …aaaaaand fucks up.
"Happens every time. Doesn't he even know when to quit. He'll never catch that damn bird." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Wile E. Coyote has a plan to finally catch Road Runner with a little gift from Acme.
(The next scene transitions to Wile E. Coyote and a large wooden crate with the word "Acme" printed on it. He presses a button on the remote as the crate opens up to reveal the Pontiac Wide Track Grand Prix)
"Ooooooh yeaaaaah…" Sean and Lucas both said, imitating the lyric from Yello's "Oh Yeah" song.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yep, this little Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner cartoon just happens to also be a car commercial for Pontiac's Wide Track Grand Prix vehicle. And trust me when I say this, this car's quite a ladykiller.
"You can imagine the hot tail Wile E. Coyote's gonna get with a ride like that." Lucas pointed out, "Kinda beats seeing him dress like a green bat."
(The car then starts driving all around the road before stopping in a freeze frame to have the words: "Widetrackus Grand Prixus (Wider Is Better) appear under the car. It then cuts to the scene where Wile E. Coyote is blinking to the camera.)
Sean then let out a smirk before nodding, "Oh yeah, we all know what he's thinking with that look on his face."
(A picture of Wile E. Coyote looking to the camera is shown with a little close-up.)
Sean: (V/O as Wile E Coyote) I'm about to end this little speedfuck's career!
"Well, if that ain't a proclamation, I don't know what is!" Lucas shrugged.
"Let's see if Wile E. Coyote can get the job done!" Sean smirked once more.
(The Pontiac Wide Track Grand Prix starts to chase the Road Runner all across the deserted road.)
Narrator: With this unique Wide Track design, the Wide Track Grand Prix sports Sedan provides better cornering and control.
"Who cares what it has?" Sean shrugged, "We just want to see Wile E. catch the friggin' Road Runner already!"
"That's the whole entire reason why this commercial was made to begin with." Lucas shrugged as well.
Narrator: When you're out for a bite…
(Wile E. Coyote tries to reach out his hand to grab the Road Runner, only for his hand to get trapped in a black-out transition while the words "The Widetrack Grand Prix" appears on the screen in big bold lettering.)
Narrator: …The Widetrack Grand Prix by Pontiac. Wider is better.
(The Widetrack Grand Prix appears, only for the car to get stretched out.)
"Well, all of that trouble for nothing." Sean replied.
"The Widetrack Grand Prix from Pontiac. Wider may be better, but not fast enough to even beat out a frickin' Road Runner." Lucas smirked before saying, "Talk about cutting short."
Sean nodded as he said, "At least there's somebody that did a better job of catching him."
(A clip of Family Guy plays showing Road Runner appearing on the screen, only to get run over by a car which Peter Griffin is driving.)
Peter Griffin (voiced by Seth MacFarlane): Ah geez, did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile E. Coyote (voiced by Seth MacFarlane): No.
Peter Griffin: *to Wile E* Are you sure?
Wile E. Coyote: Yeah, he's fine. Keep going.
"There you go, everyone. The Road Runner may be faster than a sedan, but not fast enough than Peter Griffin." Sean smirked again before grabbing the remote, "All right, next commercial."
(TV static transitions to: HeadOn commercial)
(The commercial opens with a woman applying some HeadOn directly onto her forehead)
Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead.
We cut back to both Sean and Lucas as we see them looking quite annoyed from the commercial as the lines are repeatedly.
Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn!
"Let me guess: apply directly to the forehead?" Sean asked.
Female Announcer: Available at Walgreens.
"Okay. I'm guess that's all for the commercial. So, let's move on to the next commercial, shall we?" Lucas said.
(The scene then changes to a different version of the commercial)
Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead.
"Oh, goddamn it!" Lucas shouted.
"Are you kidding me with this shit?! How is this not over? You keep repeating the same damn thing over and over and over again. Just shut up!" Sean exclaimed.
Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn! Available at Walgreens.
"Okay. Are you done yet?" Sean asked.
"I hope so. Because I am getting sick and tired of hearing…" Lucas said.
(Suddenly, Lucas gets interrupted by the next scene, which changes to another commercial: ActiveOn)
Female Announcer: New. From the makers of HeadOn. Introducing ActiveOn!
"SON OF A BITCH!" Lucas screamed out.
"Will it never end?!" Sean yelled out.
Female Announcer: Arthritis pain? ActiveOn! Apply directly where it hurts. ActiveOn Arthritis. Available at Walgreens.
"Jesus Christ on a graham cracker. What a genius idea that these people had." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) They sold people a remedy that would get rid of your headache by giving them a commercial that gave them headaches.
Sean: (Narrating) God, I feel like I'm in Call of Duty Black Ops: Cold War. These are the secret words that Adler is saying to me just to brainwash me into believing that I'm one of their comrades!
Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead.
"Apply directly to the forehead. Apply directly to the forehead. Apply directly to the fucking forehead!" Lucas exclaimed, getting annoyed by the commercial.
Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead.
"Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! Goddamn it! This commercial definitely needs (a clip shot of…) Eddie Murphy from Vampire in Brooklyn to shut that bitch up." Sean said.
Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead…
(Cut to a clip from Vampire in Brooklyn)
Maximillian (Played by Eddie Murphy): Shut your fucking mouth. Shut up!
Female Announcer: …HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn!
Maximilian: (Yells) SHUT THE FUCK UP!/Goddamn it!
"Okay, I've had enough with this commercial. Let's move on to the next commercial before my head explodes." Lucas said.
"Sure thing." Sean said as he grabbed the remote from off of the coffee table.
Female Announcer: HeadOn! Available at Walgreens.
Maximilian: (V/O) SHUT THE FUCK UP!
(TV static transitions to: SpongeBob SquarePants cereal commercial circa 2004)
(We open with a shot of a box of SpongeBob SquarePants that's sitting on the table)
Announcer: Introducing new SpongeBob SquarePants cereal.
"Hey, remember whan that was a thing?" Sean asked.
"Yeah, when we weren't often sure if this cereal had anything to do with plugging his first movie." Lucas replied.
(Clips of the SpongeBob SquarePants cartoon play out while the instrumental version of SpongeBob theme plays as well)
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, that part's true. But when you're one of the greatest cartoon characters Nickelodeon ever has, you gotta have your own cereal. And that happened to the one that lives in a pineapple under the sea, SpongeBob SquarePants. Trust me, this dude was everywhere in the late 90's to early 2000's and now. He had his own cartoon, video games, that weird Krabby Patty gummies I have no interest in trying, trophy room where he keeps his Kids Choice Awards in since he wins "Favorite Cartoon" every single frickin year, and you guessed it, cereal.
"Which is totally not a Lucky Charms ripoff, by the way." Lucas replied.
(Scene goes back to the opening of the commercial.)
Sean: (Narrating) In the opening, we see the kid getting ready to have his cereal when the dog notices something weird going on with the bowl itself.
(The dog catches two the SpongeBob and Patrick cereal pieces flying back and forth into the bowl.)
Lucas: (v/o as The Dog) Row in the ruck are rhey roing rat?
(The dog catches them fly back into the bowl again only for the scene to transition into SpongeBob and Patrick bouncing on a trampoline.)
Patrick Star (voiced by Bill Fagerbakke): Weeeee-heehee! Go, SpongeBob, Go!
SpongeBob SquarePants (voiced by Tom Kenny): I'm flying, Patrick!
"And I'm pretty sure I won't be seen ever again!" Lucas said, imitating SpongeBob.
(The SpongeBob cereal piece flies out of the bowl and lands right inside a tall, clear glass of water.)
Narrator: It's the nautical hijinks of Bikini Bottom in your cereal bowl! New SpongeBob SquarePants cereal!
(The kid sits down on the table with his orange juice in hand when he sees his dog bark at the glass of water with the SpongeBob cereal piece floating.)
Kid: *to Dog* What?
Lucas: (v/o as the Dog) I raw rat rereal riece rome arive rand reap ronto for rass rof rater!
Sean: (v/o as the Kid) I told you not to smoke all that damn kibbles and bits you've been eating!
"Okay, they really don't actually say that, but I would probably assume that dog might be on drugs or something." Sean said.
Narrator: With SpongeBob, Patrick and pineapple marshmallows!
"Pineapple marshmallows? Really now, who has marshmallows that tastes like pineapple? It's like putting pineapple on pizza." Sean said.
(A clip from Stranger Things is shown)
Argyle (Played by Eduardo Franco): Try it before you deny.
Lucas: (Narrating) Don't worry, the marshmallows don't taste like pineapples, they just taste like regular marshmallows. The cereal was good, but it was a shame that it was discontinued back in 2007. They need to bring that back. I don't care if you put Clancy Brown in your commercial, just bring it back.
Narrator: It's part of a complete breakfast!
(The next scene transitions to other SpongeBob products like Eggo, Pop Tarts and Cheez-It)
Narrator: And look for these other SpongeBob products.
Patrick Star: SPONGEBOB!
(TV static transitions to: Mothers Against Guns- Toys That Kill PSA from 2004)
(The commercial opens with a young child walking on the wall)
Young Kid: One, two, three, four.
(The young kid hops off of the wall and starts walking with his friends)
Sean: (Narrating) Here's a little PSA from… Britain?
We then cut back to Sean and Lucas as they both look up at the roof as sounds of thunder start to cook up and the room gets a bit darker.
"Oh, no. When I mention Britain, I'm pretty sure that we're going to be looking at something dark and disturbing." Sean said.
"And of course with those PSA's, we tend to get pissed off at them and turn into raging madmen." Lucas said.
"And since we're looking at a PSA from the UK. Hell, I know them from the James Bond movies, Monty Python, Harry Potter and One Direction. Let's see what these psychotic sons of bitches got for us today." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) In this PSA, we see a group of children who are going out to the field to play a little game. Okay, sounds innocent enough.
Younger Child: It's more of them?
Teen #1: Ready?
Teen #2: 'Course we are.
Younger Child: He has more of them?
Teen #2: I don't care. Shut up! Let's go.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see that this commercial is focused on this concerned little kid as we see him partake in a little game of paintball with some suspicious looking toy guns.
"Oh, I'm sure that they don't look like handguns." Lucas said.
(The little boy runs into a wooded area while holding a toy gun. He hears shots ringing out and the sound of one of his friends screaming in the distance)
Lucas: (Narrating) Oh, for Christ's sake, just shoot the kid already! Or maybe he'll just get out of this one alive or not before our hearts are ripped out. Who knows?
(One kid wearing a hoodie before we cut to the other teen as they both point their guns at each other. We then cut to a kid running out in the field as shots ring out as we see him fall to the ground while the young kid looks concerned for his friends. The young kid starts running and hides for cover when all of a sudden a little blonde-haired girl appears)
Little Girl: Psst. Can I play?
Young Kid: (Sees the little girl) Go away. Go away.
"Well, maybe he's trying to save that little girl's life. Hey, maybe this PSA will end on a good note if they just both walk out of this one alive. I'm pretty sure that this kid won't end up getting killed…" Sean said.
(Suddenly, the teen shoots the young boy in the head, killing him)
We then cut back to Sean and Lucas, as they both get shocked out of their wits and causing themselves to recoil back into the couch.
"SANTA MARIA!" Sean yelled out.
"WHAT THE FUCKING SHITBALLS!" Lucas yelled out.
Teen #2: I've got him! I've got him! I've won!
"You won? YOU WON?! You just put a fucking bullet in his brain like he's Peter Weller in RoboCop. That is straight-up murder!" Sean yelled out.
(The little girl stays silent as she looks at the boy lying on the ground dead before cutting to shots of the three other boys who are lying on the ground dead)
Female Narrator: Replica guns are being converted into real guns. They are easily available and require no license. They are toys that kill.
Sean: (Narrating) "Toys that kill." No shit! You can't even play with a toy gun without getting shot in this day in age.
(The shot of the young boy getting shot in the head is shown once more)
Lucas: (Narrating) Jesus Christ. That is so fucked up to watch. Imagine being a kid who watches The Disney Afternoon and they happen to stumble across this PSA.
(The PSA is shown as we see the teen boy shoot the young kid in the head. The scene then changes from the grisly PSA to the Darkwing Duck bumper)
Male Announcer: And now back for more of Disney's Darkwing Duck.
Sean: (Narrating) Question: how the hell do you actually convert toy guns into actual firearms? Were they more advanced in the UK. How is that even possible? I mean, in reality, if replica guns are converted to real guns, then replica guns would explode due to that the materials is not strong enough. Hell, it would've exploded in their hands and destroying the gun completely.
"Britain, shame on you." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) That was one fucked up PSA. You guys are sick! We're keeping Millie Bobby Brown, you guys can keep your child killing, dog threatening PSA's because you guys are psycho. YOU'RE PSYCHO!
Sean: (Narrating) And that's the truth, Ruth!
Female Narrator: They are toys that kill.
(The "Mothers Against Guns" logo is shown featuring a picture of an uzi with the general prohibition sign over it)
Female Narrator: Visit Mothers Against Guns dot net and help us get a total ban of replica guns.
(TV static transitions to: LJN's WWF Wrestling Superstars commercial circa 1984)
(The commercial opens with a row of kids playing around with four action figures resembling Big John Studd and Hulk Hogan.)
Vince McMahon: (Narrating) With Wrestling Superstars, it's like having a real match right in your own home!
"Except this time, you can actually try this at home." Sean smirked before replying, "But in a lazy way."
Lucas: (Narrating) Ah, yes. Any kid of the 80's who grew up as a big wrestling fan knows these babies. It's the well-known WWF Wrestling Superstars line from LJN.
"Yes, as in Laughing Jokin' Numbnuts." Lucas said crossing his arms. "The very same company that was known for things like…
(A picture of "Friday The 13th" for the NES is shown.)
Lucas: (Narrating) …this.
(A picture of "Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure" for NES is shown.)
Lucas: This.
(A picture of "Back To The Future" for the NES is shown.)
Lucas: And especially this.
(A picture of "Spider-Man & Venom: Maximum Carnage" is shown.)
Lucas: Okay, that one was actually decent. That gets a pass.
"And I'll say the same for the SNES ports of WWF Royal Rumble, WWF RAW, True Lies and Alien 3, those games are okay as well." Lucas replied.
"We don't forgive them for The Karate Kid though." Sean said as he held up a copy of The Karate Kid for the NES in hand, "Screw this game."
And then, Sean threw the game away, forcing a "bonk" sound effect to occur off screen.
"OW, MY EYE!" Brian said off-screen.
Lucas immediately ignored what's going on and said to the camera, "So while we ignore that little cry for help, let's have Vince McMahon tell you the superstars you can have for your collection."
(Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka appears in the middle of the staircase.)
Vince McMahon: There's Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka!
(Jimmy Snuka dives off the staircase before transitioning to his action figure landing on top of Big John Studd.)
"Unfortunately, the dead girlfriend was sadly not included." Sean shook his head while grinning.
(The Iron Sheik appears from behind the curtain and takes off his turban and robe
Vince McMahon: The Iron Sheik!
"He will break their back and make them humble. Facken boolshet!" Lucas smirked, imitating The Iron Sheik.
(Hulk Hogan appears and rips off his shirt)
Vince McMahon: Hulk Hogan!
"Okay, whatever you do, please don't let him swing on a wrecking ball while wearing a thong. We do not need to see that again." Sean said.
"Same can be said for Santa With Muscles too." Lucas replied as he held up a copy of Santa With Muscles in hand, "Screw this movie."
And then, Lucas threw the movie away which forced another bonk to occur off screen.
"OW! MY OTHER EYE!" Brian shrieked again.
Vince McMahon: And Big John Studd!
Lucas: (Narrating) Just in case if you forgot he was already there.
(The Hulk Hogan action figure lands on top of the Iron Sheik.)
Vince McMahon: And now you can fly 'em.
(Big John Studd gets trapped in the ropes and gets flipped upside down.)
Vince McMahon: And flip 'em.
(Hulk Hogan gets flung onto the ropes and hits Iron Sheik, sending them over the ropes and out of the ring. The next scene shows Big John Studd running towards the ropes and crashing smack dab into Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka.)
Vince McMahon: In the sling 'em, fling 'em wrestling ring.
"Because trust me, that's actually more fun than watching the actual WWE in real life." Sean nodded to the camera.
"Oh, you got that right, brother!" A voice said off screen.
It wasn't long until both Sean and Lucas turned to the right and saw Brian, who was dressed up as Hulk Hogan, standing there flexing in front of Sean and Lucas altogether.
"How in the heck did you end up in my house? I already had it locked." Sean pointed out.
"It's nothing but YouTube logic, man." Brian/Hulk replied. "Anyway, I heard you were covering those kickass LJN wrestling figures, brother. And I just want to get my intake on one of those figures, jack."
Lucas then uttered out to Hulk, "Please tell me you're not gonna talk about…"
"My wrestling figure of yours truly, brother!" Brian/Hulk stated before taking a seat next to both Sean and Lucas. "Let's chit-chat, dude."
(A picture of the Hulk Hogan wrestling figure is shown.)
Brian/Hulk Hogan: (Narrating) You see that awesome plastic body, man? That's the body that made kids wanted to buy me, jack. I was the hot seller, dude. Not Iron Sheik, not Superfly, not Studd, not even that big nasty giant Andre, brother. And we all know what happened to him, dude.
(A clip of Hulk Hogan bodyslamming Andre The Giant at WrestleMania III is shown.)
Brian/Hulk Hogan: That's right, man. I bodyslammed him back to The Princess Bride, dude. Back to where Fred Savage came from, brother. I'll tell you, jack, he's gonna wish–
"Uh, Hulkster. Bret Hart's spray-painting your car." Lucas said, cutting off the Hulkster.
"Say what, man?" Brian/Hulk gasped in horror before shouting, "Oh, no way it's happening on my watch, dude. I just cleaned that car not too long ago, brother! Excuse me, maniacs!"
Feeling enraged, Brian/Hulk stood out of the couch and ripped his signature tanktop in two before leaving the house altogether.
Sean turned over to Lucas and said, "Bret Hart's not actually here, right?"
Lucas nodded before smirking, "I swear, that old fart falls for that every single time!"
"Eh, works for me." Sean nodded back.
Lucas: (Narrating) The WWF Wrestling Superstars from LJN. Bad for video games, but good for wrestling fans.
Vince McMahon: Wrestling Superstars and new wrestling ring, each sold separately from LJN!
(TV static transitions to: Mario Party commercial from 1999)
(The commercial opens with two police officers knocking on the door as the next scene cuts to a group of friends turning to the camera as they hear someone at the door)
"Oh, man. Now talk about a memorable commercial." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) In this commercial, we see two police officers stopping by someone's house and they knock on the door. We see a group of kids inside who are having way too much fun as they go to check out who it is at the door.
Cop #1: Uh, yeah. We're getting calls about a wild party over here. Know anything about it?
"A group of kids alone in the house with no adult supervision and having a wild party. Oh, don't be ridiculous." Lucas said, imitating Balki from Perfect Strangers.
Cop #1: I didn't think so.
Lucas: (Narrating) And we see who's joining them for this wild party.
Cop #1: Which one of you jokers goes by the name "Mario?"
(An animated Mario pops up)
Mario (Voiced by Charles Martinet): It's-a me!
Cop #2: Could you step outside, please?
"Man, Illumination's Super Mario Bros. Movie is looking better than ever with it's animation." Sean said.
(We then cut to the kids playing Mario Party on the N64 and we see gameplay footage from the game)
Sean: (Narrating) No, actually it's not the trailer for The Super Mario Bros. Movie, it's actually a commercial for the best damn party game ever. Mario Party!
Announcer: Welcome to Mario Party! Where you and three friends battle it out all night long. With six adventure boards and 50 mini games. This party's just getting going.
"Yeah, Mario Party. Where you and your three friends have fun playing the game. It's also a game that's known for ruining friendships." Sean said. "And it can turn you into a raging madman."
"Trust us, we know. But it's one hell of a fun game." Lucas said.
"That I can agree on." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Now that I think about it, that game tends to ruin friendships. Can you imagine how it would've turned out when the police entered the house? It wouldn't be a pretty sight.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We open with Sean, playing a detective as he arrives at the home of the four boys who were playing Mario Party. Turns out that it happens to be a crime scene)
Sean: (as Detective) What happened there?
Lucas: (as Cop) These four boys were playing a video game on the Nintendo 64. They were having too much fun until it ended up becoming real bloody.
(Sean and Lucas both enter the house and they see the living room covered in blood)
Sean: Good lord.
Lucas: Yeah. One kid took out the other kid with a samurai sword and beheaded him while. Then one of the other friends beat him with the controller and turned him into a bloody mess.
Sean: Jesus Christ.
Lucas: Then, the third kid threw the game cartridge at the other friend's head until the other friend who was beaten to death threw the samurai sword at him and impaled him to the television.
Sean: What caused their deaths?
Lucas: (Hands Sean the evidence bag, which is the Mario Party cartridge covered in blood) The cause of death… they were playing Mario Party.
Sean: Mario Party?
Lucas: Mario Party.
Sean: (While examining the crime scene) A video game known for fun and ruining friendships. You know they say that it's in the game, but they take the game way too far.
(One police officer, played by Dave, sees the crime scene and ends up puking)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Look at this scene. I laughed my ass off from seeing Mario getting arrested by the cops. Yeah, his crime is for ruining friendships and giving people blisters on their hands for rotating the damn control stick around a lot in any of the minigames. Also, seeing Mario's legs and feet constantly moving non stop while he's being carried out by the cops makes me laugh every time I see it.
Mario: (While being carried out by the cops) But it's-a me, Mario!
Cop #1: Yeah, tell it to the judge.
"Yeah, you can tell it to Judge Koopa." Lucas said, imitating the cop.
Lucas: (Narrating) It's a pretty fun commercial for a fun game, just make sure that you don't kill each other over it. Now, I feel like playing Mario Party on my Nintendo Switch. If anyone has the Nintendo Switch and the Nintendo 64 expansion pack, then go play it right now.
Announcer: Mario Party. Only on Nintendo 64.
Mario: But it's-a me, Mario!
Cop #1: Yeah, tell it to the judge.
(The slogan "Get N or Get Out" appears on screen)
Female Dispatcher: Get N or Get Out.
(TV static transitions to: Pop Tarts "Photo Booth" commercial circa 2007)
(The commercial opens with a shot of a cherry Pop Tart and we see the text "Pop Tarts Presents "Photo Booth" before the Pop Tart splits apart to reveal two animated Pop Tarts: a strawberry Pop Tart and a cherry Pop Tart)
Singers: Taaaaaaaaaa!
Man: Ta-daaaaa!
"Oh, man. Talk about a classic commercial." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in 2004, Pop Tarts had a series of Crazy Good commercials that were pretty hilarious and there were some that were disturbing just to see these Pop Tarts getting eaten by kids and being tricked by them in clever ways. And my God, we love 'em.
Lucas: (Narrating) There were a whole lot of them to boot. For example, there was a wildberry pop tart getting killed off trying to imitate Evel Knievel. There was a blueberry getting tricked by a dog to his oncoming death. There's even one where a wild cherry pop tart gets tricked into seeing a boy band from the inside of a bus. Only for her to get killed by a toaster. Groupies are easy indeed.
"#PopTartsLivesMatter." Sean replied.
"Boy, did they deserve better." Lucas nodded, agreeing with Sean.
Sean: (Narrating) Why are we talking about them? Well, take a look at this commercial, where we see a strawberry Pop Tart and a cherry Pop Tart standing in a photo booth and they're getting their pictures taken.
(The strawberry Pop Tart puts a quarter in the photo booth while the cherry Pop Tart checks her teeth to see if she has something on them. She puts her mirror away as they get ready to get their pictures taken)
Cherry Pop Tart: (Smiles) Cheese!
Strawberry Pop Tart: (Smiles) Okay… now!
(The Cherry Pop Tart puts up bunny ears)
Strawberry Pop Tart: Now.
(The Cherry Pop Tart starts to make crazy faces and the Strawberry Pop Tart hits her to make her stop)
"Way to treat your cherry Pop Tart girlfriend, buddy." Sean said. "All she was doing is to try to have some fun."
Lucas: (Narrating) We see that the lights above starts to get even redder when the cherry Pop Tart starts to feel something unusual.
Strawberry Pop Tart: Is this thing working?
(The cherry Pop Tart is fanning herself)
Lucas: (Narrating) And we see that the photo booth happens to be…
(The camera zooms out, as the photo booth reveals to be a toaster oven)
Kid #1: Oh, it's working.
(The kid shuts the curtain)
Kid #2: Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy!
"Holy, holy shit." Sean said with a shocked look on his face. "But I do have to admit, that was a clever reveal."
Sean: (Narrating) I absolutely love this reveal. They're just standing in the photo booth waiting to get their picture taken and the photo booth keeps getting hotter and hotter and they start sweating. They don't know what's happening to them, so obviously they're in a toaster about to meet their doom.
(A clip from iCarly is shown)
Spencer Shay (Played by Jerry Trainor): That's some pretty dark stuff.
Lucas scoffed with a chuckle as he said, "No kidding, Spencer. You can obviously tell those kids are sick serial murderers when it comes to killing off their pop tarts."
"Can you honestly imagine a different scenario where a Pop Tarts commercial like this becomes the other way around?" Sean replied before thinking out, "I wonder how that would end up?"
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(We see Oliver in his bedroom reading some sort of magazine on his bed.)
Oliver: Dang, what I wouldn't give to park my car in her garage. And Aletta Ocean's got one big garage.
(As he continues to read his magazine by the way, he sees that the room around him is getting very hot. Oliver of course starts to sweat unexpectedly out of nowhere, as if he was burning up from the hot temperature.)
Oliver: Ugh, I swear I hate this heat wave. Why did summers become the worst?
(The camera then scrolled up to see an animated chocolate pop tart and an animated brown sugar cinnamon pop look down on Oliver, who seems to be trapped inside as a toaster disguised as a bedroom.)
Sean (V/O as a chocolate Pop Tart): Totally can't wait to get me some of that toasted Oliver.
Lucas (V/O as a brown sugar cinnamon Pop Tart): Love me some of that Oliver flavor too.
Sean: (Narrating) Pop-Tarts. Crazy good and totally worth killing for.
(The Pop Tarts logo pops up while the slogan "Crazy Good" pops up. We then see the kid popping out of the "O" in "Pop" while holding a Pop Tart)
Kid: Crazy good!
(TV static transitions to: GoldenEye 64 commercial from 1997)
(The commercial opens with the James Bond gunbarrel sequence, followed by clips from the movie GoldenEye and clips from the N64 game while the James Bond theme plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Now here's the greatest commercial for the greatest game ever and boy, does it bring back memories.
"Ah, I remember playing that game for the first time when I was about seven years old and I rented it from Blockbuster. I started sucking at first when I was playing the first mission. But then I started to get really good at playing the game." Sean said.
"Let's not forget multiplayer. That one fuckin' rules." Lucas said.
"And multiplayer too. Who wouldn't forget about Slappers Only? Ah, fun times." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) This classic and legendary game from Rare had us playing it over and over and over again until we couldn't take it anymore. Who wouldn't forget about re-enacting the dam jump from the movie or driving a tank through the streets of St. Petersburg?
(Footage from the game and the movie are mixed in while the text that reads "The First Bond Adventure Where You Direct The Action…" is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Don't you just love that the commercial tells us that it's the first Bond Adventure where we direct the action shot by shot by shot? Yeah. That means that we'll make every scene action packed and have everyone trying to shoot at us. That's how awesome GoldenEye 64 is. Screw Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II and Fortnite! This is a real man's game to play.
(A clip from the movie GoldenEye is shown)
James Bond (Played by Pierce Brosnan): (Hands the gun to Natalya) Do you know how to use one of these?
"Gotta throw in that clip from the movie." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) They're making it act like that he's talking to the people watching this commercial. Imagine if they added a clip from Mrs. Doubtfire instead of GoldenEye.
(A clip from the game is shown, followed by a clip from Mrs. Doubtfire, where Daniel, dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, throws a lime at the back of Stu's head. Stu turns around and glares at her)
Mrs. Doubtfire (Played by Robin Williams): Oh, sir. I saw it. Some angry member of the kitchen staff. Did you not tip them? Oh! A terrorist around that way, it was a run-by fruiting.
"If they did that, then that would make that commercial funny as hell." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) An awesome commercial for an excellent game that became a legend.
(The GoldenEye box for the game is shown along with someone loading a Rumble Pak into the controller)
Announcer: GoldenEye. Load a Rumble Pak and see how it feels when 007 meets N64.
(The commercial ends with the Severnaya satellite dish exploding followed by the Nintendo 64 logo)
(TV static transitions to: Charmin's "Don't Squeeze the Charmin" commercial circa 1970)
(The commercial opens with a tough guy husband and his wife entering the grocery store as the wife points out Mr. Whipple, the grocery manager)
Herman's Wife: That's him, Herman. The funny looking one with the mustache.
Sean: (Narrating) Boy, talk about a classic commercial and this right here says it.
Lucas: (Narrating) Before the Charmin Bears, we have this guy, Mr. George Whipple played by the late Dick Wilson. Mr. Whipple is a grocery manager who appears in a series of Charmin commercials and he delivers this classic line.
Mr. Whipple (Played by Dick Wilson): Please. Don't squeeze the Charmin./Ladies, you can't squeeze the Charmin.
"That's right. This is the line that he says every time some woman starts squeezing the Charmin just to feel how soft it is." Lucas said.
"That's what I do to Taylor every night when I try to get her in the mood. Hell, her boobs are much softer than Charmin." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) In this commercial, we see a housewife going to the grocery store with her husband, who I swear looks like a mix between Robert De Niro and Peter Falk, and he walks over to Mr. Whipple to deal with him.
Herman: Hey, Whipple! You've been giving the missus a tough time for squeezing Charmin bathroom tissue?
Mr. Whipple: But we don't squeeze new Charmin in the store.
Herman: Yeah?
"If I want my wife to squeeze new Charmin in the store, then she has a right to do so, you four–eyed prick." Lucas said, imitating Herman.
Mr. Whipple: See? There's a sign.
Herman: A sign?
(Herman notices the sign that reads "PLEASE DON'T SQUEEZE THE CHARMIN")
"Boy, doesn't he feel silly." Sean said.
Herman: Honey, there's a sign.
Herman's Wife: But Herman, we can't resist. Charmin's so deep down squeezably soft!
Housewife #1: And the soft fragrance is irresistible.
Housewife #2: Irresistible price, too.
Herman: Honey, the sign!
"Yeah, we can't just go around squeezing the Charmin willy nilly. That's what the sign is for." Lucas said, imitating Herman.
Herman's Wife: Everyone squeezes new Charmin. Here!
(Herman's wife hands him the pack of Charmin and he starts squeezing it)
Herman: It does smell nice, huh? Feels soft.
Sean: (V/O as Herman) Softer than my wife's juicy ass.
Herman: (He stops squeezing it and hands it to his wife) But you gotta resist it, honey? You gotta be strong like us guys. Right, Whipple?
(Herman sees Mr. Whipple squeezing the Charmin)
Herman: Awww, Whipple!
"Oh, great job, Whipple. You just lost your man card. And you're squeezing the Charmin too. This coming from a guy who's always telling people not to squeeze it." Sean said.
"You know what I think? I think that Mr. Whipple is turned on by the softness of Charmin. It's almost like he can't help but be aroused by it's feeling. It's like a frickin' porno at least." Lucas smirked.
(A clip of Mr. Whipple squeezing the Charmin is playing out in slow motion, only for porn music to play in the background.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Mr. Whipple and His Charmin Desires, coming soon to Brazzers.
"Yeah, you ALL wish that was real." Lucas smirked once again.
"Hey, I would pay good money too see Mr. Whipple banging Nicolette Shea." Sean said.
Housewives: Please don't squeeze the Charmin!
Announcer: New squeezably-soft Charmin bathroom tissue from Procter & Gamble. Take it home and squeeze it.
(TV static transitions to: Squirt Soda commercials)
(The commercial opens with a bottle of Squirt soda as we see someone twisting the top open, followed by a couple of shots of cans and bottles of Squirt being opened up and we see a woman drinking a bottle of Squirt)
Announcer: Here's a burst of news! Citrus Squirt doesn't just quench your thirst, it bursts your thirst!
(Cut to a plate of onion rings and a bottle of Squirt, a ham and cheese footlong sandwich and french fries)
Singers: A real citrus soft drink to burst that thirst. Reach for the Squirt, squirt it first.
Sean and Lucas both look on at the camera in confusion.
"What?" Sean asked.
Singers: Reach for the Squirt, squirt it first.
"Again, what?" Lucas asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, ladies and gentlemen. There is a soda actually called Squirt and yes, I know what you're all thinking and you should be ashamed of yourselves for thinking it. It's a refreshing citrus soda that quenches your thirst.
Lucas: (Narrating) And our inner teenager is laughing right about now at the name.
Announcer: Fries, onion rings, enchiladas. Squirt never met a thirst that couldn't burst…
"Mmm! I'm trying to contain myself from making a dirty joke. I must contain myself." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, how can you take the name "Squirt" seriously? You named your soda after what a female does when she cums!
Announcer: Squirt never met a thirst that couldn't burst, 'cause there's a burst of real citrus juice in every Squirt!
"Okay, I can't. I just can't. I know what you're trying to do to me, commercial! You're trying to break me. I'm not gonna do it. We're not gonna make that joke." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Just listen to the tagline: "Squirt It First."
Singers: Squirt it first.
Lucas: (Narrating) Sounds like the name of a Brazzers video starring Anna Claire Clouds and Keiran Lee.
"Holy shit! I think I've seen that one. No wonder it sounds familiar. Okay, is there another Squirt commercial that doesn't sound sexual?" Sean asked.
(Cut to another Squirt Soda commercial, where we see a woman sitting on the porch on a hot summer day. This commercial is from 1991)
Announcer: There are days when the sun is hotter, the air is thicker. Days when the breezes don't blow and the dogs don't bark. Days when your tongue feels like the bottom of your shoe.
"Okay, sounds good. You have a woman trying to beat the heat and she needs something to quench her thirst. Okay, commercial. Continue." Lucas said.
Announcer: And you can't stand to watch some overpaid actress enjoy the thirst quenching, tangy, citrus taste of Squirt while you do all the talking.
(The woman opens up a can of Squirt and takes a sip before the announcer tries to grab the can away from her)
Announcer: (To the woman) Lady, give me that Squirt.
"Sounds like something that I said to Taylor in the bedroom last night." Sean said.
"I HEARD THAT!" Taylor yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Squirt Soda, it's a real thirst quencher. Just make sure that you don't try to laugh from the name of the soda.
Singers: Reach for the Squirt, squirt it first!
(A shot of the woman drinking a bottle of Squirt with the tagline "Squirt It First!" is shown)
Sean: (V/O) Oh, come on!
(TV static transitions to: Meow Mix commercial from 1999)
(The commercial opens with a group of businesspeople stuck in traffic)
Tow Truck Driver: Get out of the way! Come on!
"Typical New York traffic. It's like that sometimes in Cincinnati, but you have people driving like maniacs." Sean said.
(Cut to the car with the businesspeople are sitting in as the car phone rings, which wakes up one of the businessmen. He turns his attention to the car phone as well as the businessman named Frank and a businesswoman who's busy filing her nails.
Businesswoman: Don't get that, Frank.
Businessman #1: It could be the office.
(The car phone continues to ring)
Businessman #2: Yeah, let it ring.
"Don't worry. The boss won't know that we're cutting work just to see that new Van Damme movie." Lucas said, imitating the businessman.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, looks like Frank is dying to answer the phone. Maybe it's his hot secretary trying to call him.
(The car phone rings)
Businesswoman: Don't get that, Frank.
"But what if it's my hot secretary, Katie? She has a nice ass, bro." Sean said, imitating Frank.
(Frank then answers the phone and the businesswoman sitting next to him makes an annoyed look on her face)
Frank: Hello?
(A meow is heard from the other line. Frank looks at the phone while the tow truck driver and the other businessman look on)
Frank: Baxter! It's Baxter!
(The other businessman sighs before we cut to Baxter the Cat, who starts meowing the Meow Mix jingle to Frank on the phone. The subtitles, "I Want Meow Mix. I Want Meow Mix. I Want Meow Mix. I Want Meow Mix." is shown)
"Frank, when somebody says that's the kind of pussy you wanted, that's not what they meant." Lucas said.
Announcer: Meow Mix cat food has a variety of four delicious flavors cats love. In fact, it's the only cat food that tastes so good… cats ask for it by name.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that dude was anticipating a call from his cat because Baxter wants his Meow Mix. You know how cats are about their Meow Mix. They are serious about that shit. Can you imagine your own cat calling you while you're busy doing something?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean laying in bed as Taylor enters the bedroom wearing some sexy lingerie)
Sean: Oh, man. I am so lucky. Sure you didn't bring a friend with you to join us, babe?
Taylor: No. I want this night to be all about us. Just you and me. And I want you to do all the naughty things that you want to do to me.
(She gets ready to kiss Sean, but they're interrupted by the sound of Sean's cell phone ringing)
Taylor: Don't answer that, Sean.
Sean: Oh, come on. I've got to answer it. It could be my Mom wanting to invite us over for Christmas.
Taylor: Sean, I am horny and I want you badly. Do not answer that phone.
(Sean contemplates on answering the phone. He picks up his phone and answers it)
Sean: Hello?
(Riley meows on the other line)
Sean: Riley! It's Riley! What is it, girl?
(We cut to Riley, who's sitting on the coffee table and she starts meowing the Meow Mix jingle on the other line)
Taylor: Really? Does your stupid cat need to call you for Meow Mix.
(Riley hisses at Taylor)
Sean: You just offended my cat.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Lucas: (Narrating) Meow Mix. Cat food so good, cats will call their owner in the middle of something.
(Baxter the Cat continues to meow and the translation "I Want Meow Mix" is shown))
Announcer: Again, and again…
(TV static transitions to: WSIB's Top Chef PSA circa 2007)
(The commercial opens up with a close-up of a woman's face, who just happens to be a chef.)
Female Chef: *to the camera* I'm a sous chef here. With any luck, I should be head chef by next year.
"Well, there's a woman who knows how to be hard-working at her job. Good for her." Sean smirked in return.
"She's definitely got that workhorse spirit." Lucas smirked as well.
(She then lifts up her hand, showing a wedding ring on her finger.)
Female chef: I got this amazing fiancee.
Lucas: *Narrating* That's nice.
Female chef: Whom I won't be marrying next weekend…
Sean: *Narrating* Why not?
Female chef: Because I'm about to be in a "terrible accident".
"Oh, that's frickin' nonsense." Sean scoffed with a chuckle, "everything seems fine to me so far."
"I'm pretty sure she's paranoid, that's all. Nothing bad's really gonna happen, am I right?" Lucas said as he shrugged.
(The female chef picks up a boiling pot of water)
Female Chef: But really, I should've cleaned up the grease over there, and they should never put the deep fryer so close…
(She suddenly slips on some grease on the floor, causing her to fall to the ground and the water in the boiling pot to fall on her face, scarring her painfully)
"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?" Sean screamed out.
"OH, THE INHUMANITY!" Lucas said, shrieking his head off.
Sean: (Narrating) Please tell me I did not just see her whole entire face melted by tenth damn degree burns!
Lucas then replied with a shrug. "Who knows? Maybe it didn't sting as bad."
(A male chef sees what is happening and goes over to check on the female chef, who is still screaming in pain.)
Blonde-haired chef: (incoherently mumbling)
(Her face is then shown being scarred by third degree burns while screaming in agony.)
"AH GEEZ!" Sean said, covering his eyes.
"Okay, I was wrong, it's that bad!" Lucas replied, covering his eyes as well.
Sean, who was still covering his eyes, said with a cringing manner, "Uh, who in the hell would be sick enough to show people this!?"
(The scene fades to black before the words, "There really are no accidents" appears on the screen in big bold white lettering. The screen then transitions over to the website while the words "WSIB Ontario" appear on the lower right of the screen.)
Sean then squinted his eyes before reading out, "WSIB Ontario… wait a minute, CANADA MADE THIS?!"
"As in the country that gave us so many awesome things like Rush, Total Drama Island, Bret "The Hitman" Hart, Wayne Gretzky and You Can't Do That On Television?" Lucas said with bulging eyes before shouting, "THAT CANADA?!"
(Clips of WSIB's safety ads begin playing out in a montage as the Mr. X theme from the Resident Evil 2 remake plays.)
Sean: (Narrating) Well, apparently, Canada made these special Public Service Announcements showing these people getting killed off but not before they remind those watching at home that they're gonna be in an "accident".
Lucas: (Narrating) There are ads that show a construction worker falling off a building after getting blown off by an explosion, there's a factory worker getting impaled by frickin' spikes, there's a woman falling down and landing on sharp frickin' glass, there's a dude in a coffin with electrical burns being shown around his body like he's a bootleg Two-Face. And of course, there's actually a funny one where another construction worker gets sneak attacked and killed by zombies. This was insane.
"Although I'm pretty certain whoever directed these ads also made those Final Destination movies." Sean pointed out.
Lucas replied with a little nod, "If that was actually the case there, well then, mission accomplished."
It wasn't long before Sean and Lucas immediately took in a round of applause, clapping and cheering to the camera.
"Yeah, way to scare us really big with that burnt face of hers. Very life-like." Sean nodded very politely, "In fact, we'll keep Rush and Total Drama Island, you polite people of Canada can have bloody dead skin face screaming her ass off from hot scalding water. Win-win either way."
(The female chef's burnt face is shown yet again, screaming.)
"BUT NEVER SHOW US THAT AGAIN!" Lucas shouted angrily to the camera.
"So with that last image scarring us on our nightmares, that closes out another Commercials special for everyone to enjoy." Sean replied as he held up his cup of hot cocoa in hand.
"We had a lot of slutty-dressed monster girls, pop tarts, a whole lot of T.P., more monster girls dressed like sluts and just to top it all off, scary burnt girl face." Lucas smirked yet again, "Yep, that's a commercials special done for the books."
Sean nodded before saying, "Indeed, my friend. So for Lucas aka UltimateWarriorFan4Ever, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you next–"
(The female chef's burnt face and scream is shown yet again.)
"AAAAAAH, TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!" Lucas said with a horrified scream before Sean frantically grabbed the remote and turning the episode off, therefore fading to black.
Dedicated to the Memory of
Kevin Conroy
1955-2022
Jason David Frank
1973-2022
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Reach for the Squirt, squirt it first!
Man, that's definitely gonna be a horrifying image to remember. I'm definitely gonna have nightmares over this for a looooooooong time. Anyway, as you expected, this was a pain in the ass to get done, but at least me and Lucas got it done so at least it's worth the wait for all of you. Now that's done, I've seen we're getting close to Christmas time, so even if we're past this holiday, I promised you all a Christmas Month this time, so that's what you're gonna get! So next time on The Mayhem Critic, I take a look at the 1983 holiday classic, A Christmas Story! Will it satisfy that holiday craving in all of us? Or will it hurt like a BB Gun straight to the eye? We'll see for sure. So until then, if you like to help out with a co-review or help me suggest a TV show or movie to review, reviews and PM's are appreciated. It's as easy as pie. Until next time, peace out.