The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another great and hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well… it's about time. I've been getting tons of requests to review this abomination and I am so not ready to review this one. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to review the infamous 1978 special, The Star Wars Holiday Special. Oh, dear. Will our favorite residential critic survive this review or will he have a nervous breakdown on Christmas? Let's finish off the holiday season with the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. The Star Wars Holiday Special is owned by 20th Century Fox Television and Lucasfilm LTD.
Episode 164
The Star Wars Holiday Special
(We get the traditional Mayhem Critic intro. After the intro ends, we open with a shot of Sean's house on Christmas Day. The front lawn is covered in snow and the streets are clearing up a bit from the sun)
We see our favorite residential movie critic Sean J Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room in his traditional Christmas outfit while sipping on a mug of hot chocolate before he starts his introduction.
"Merry Christmas, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Well, we've opened up our gifts and spending time with our loved ones. Me, I'm having a great Christmas. I got a couple of movies for me to review next year, some video games to play and for dinner, I'm having the best food ever… prime rib with some horseradish cream on the side. Merry Christmas, everyone." Sean said.
Suddenly, Dave runs into the house and approaches Sean.
"Sean, are we going to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special?" Dave asked.
"Ah, yes. The Lego Star Wars Holiday Special on Disney Plus. I said I was going to review that one for the show." Sean said.
"Uh, Sean. Wrong one. I'm talking about the one from 1978." Dave said.
"Right, the holiday special from 1978." Sean said before he turns his attention to the camera. "Ohhhhhhhhhh, shit."
(The title screen for The Star Wars Holiday Special is shown while O Fortuna/Carmina Burana plays in the background. Suddenly, the skies turn dark as Sean and Dave notice the room getting dark. We then cut to a clip from the movie Hellraiser, where Pinhead and the Cenobites appear as Sean and Dave see them)
Pinhead (Played by Doug Bradley): You opened it, we came.
"Oh my God! Dave, what the hell did you do?!" Sean exclaimed, looking shocked
"I didn't mean too!" Dave exclaimed.
(Clips from the holiday special are shown)
Pinhead: We have such sights to show you.
(More clips from the holiday special are shown while Sean reacts in horror, followed by a picture of George Lucas followed by a picture of Vecna from Stranger Things is shown)
"Oh, boy. I guess I can't run away from this one. Well, go ahead. The Star Wars Holiday Special." Sean said.
(Clips from the holiday special are once again while the Star Wars Theme by John Williams plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, bite my holly jolly ass. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it exists. Aired on CBS in 1978. This holiday special is one that every fan tries to forget. I've been getting tons of requests from people wanting me to review this abomination. And out of all people who I have seen review this special like the Nostalgia Critic, Chris Stuckmann, Decker Shado, Cinematic Excrement, The Cinema Snob, Media Hunter Reviews and Smack Talk, looks like I'm going to be joining the bandwagon of ripping this one a new one. This special is so bad, that George Lucas made it his personal mission to destroy every VHS copy to make sure that nobody sees it. Yeah, this coming from a guy who thought that Jar Jar Binks and Howard the Duck were okay.
"So, how did I come across this special? Well, I have my ways." Sean said.
"YouTube." Dave said.
"Shut up, Dave." Sean said, glaring at Dave. "There's not enough liquor in the world that I need to get through this disaster right now. Everybody, pray for me because I don't think I'm going to survive this one. This is The Star Wars Holiday Special."
(The special begins with Han Solo and Chewbacca flying in the Millennium Falcon while being chased by two Star Destroyers)
Sean: (Narrating) The special opens with Han Solo and Chewbacca in the Millennium Falcon as they're being chased by stock footage. Chewie is desperate to get home to his family in Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day. What is Life Day? It's a holiday that Wookies celebrate. Oh yeah, when you think of Star Wars Holiday Special, they don't even mention Christmas.
Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): I'll get you back there in time, pal, trust me.
(Chewbacca growls)
Han Solo: That's the spirit! You'll be celebrating Life Day before you know it!
"Question: is Life Day the equivalent of Kwanzaa, Christmas or whatever? And why is this called the "Holiday Special"? And why are they risking their life and ship just to visit some family members for a holiday? You're probably very stupid." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then get our opening credits…
Announcer: The Star Wars Holiday Special. Starring Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker…
"Guess I don't have to name all the characters and who they're played by. The announcer is doing the job for me." Sean said.
Announcer: R2-D2 as R2-D2…
"Uh, don't you mean Kenny Baker as R2-D2?" Sean asked. "Stupid announcer can't do anything right."
Sean: (Narrating) And boy, it ain't a Holiday Special until you have a plethora of celebrity guests.
Announcer: With special guest stars Beatrice Arthur, Art Carney, Diahann Carroll, The Jefferson Starship, Harvey Korman…
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) The kids from Stranger Things, Kelsi Ballerini, Will Smith…
(A clip from the 2022 Oscars is shown)
Will Smith: Keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth!
Sean: (Narrating) After that variety show-type opening credits, we cut to Kashyyyk, I mean a lovely matte painting, we're we are introduced to Chewie's family: his son Lumpy played by Patty Maloney, his wife Malla played by Mickey Morton and his father Itchy played by Paul Gale.
(We see his son Lumpy playing with a model T-Rex around Itchy. This annoys Itchy as he roars at Lumpy. Malla does a roaring sound to get Lumpy's attention. Lumpy roars at Malla and Malla roars back at Lumpy)
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, what? I can't even understand a word they're saying. Are we going to listen to this nonsense throughout the entire special? And yes, it gets pretty fucking annoying when you hear it.
(Cut to scenes of Chewbacca's family roaring)
We then cut back to Sean as we see him covering his ear in pain from the sound of the Wookie's roaring.
"God, I think my ear is bleeding. Is my ear bleeding?" Sean asked as he moves his hand away and sees blood on his hand. "Ah, yes. I see the problem. My ear is bleeding. Thanks a lot, special. You made me bleed my own blood."
(The Wookies scenes continue, with them continuing to roar throughout)
Sean: (Narrating) Jesus Christ. SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH! Or better yet, can we get some subtitles here? It's bad enough that we have to listen to them roaring every goddamn time and we can't understand what in the hell they're saying!
(Malla walks over to Lumpy while he gets ready to eat a snack)
Malla: (Subtitles) PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN!
Lumpy: (Subtitles) Oh, fudge!
Malla: (Subtitles) Watch your mouth, young man!
Lumpy: (Subtitles) I ought to shoot you with Dad's Bowcaster. (Lumpy takes another snack and hides it behind him)
Malla: (Subtitles) What was that?
Lumpy: (Subtitles) Nothing!
Malla: (Subtitles) What did you just say?!
"Christ, I wish I was reviewing A Very Brady Christmas instead of this giant turd." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, I am getting bored from watching this! Where's the lasers? Where's the action? Where's the Tie Fighters? Give me something to entertain me! DO SOMETHING, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!
(We cut to Lumpy and Itchy at a table. He turns it on and small colorful hologram figures appear and dance on the table while they watch them)
"Oh, okay. At least you're doing something right now. But what am I watching? What's the purpose of that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we get some holographic dancers performing and all that stuff like dancing around… just to entertain us by parading around and… (Two dancers are shown flipping alongside each other) Whoa! Oh, no! No, no! I think that was a new kind of 69 position that I saw in a Brazzers video featuring Kenna James and Zac Wild! Goddamn!
(The dancing parade of the figures on the table goes on)
"I have no idea what's going on. I'm just as confused as you are." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after that holographic circus performance, Malla asks Lumpy to help wash the dishes while in the meantime, Malla and Itchy began to worry about Chewbacca and what's keeping him so long. So, Malla switches over to a hidden viewscreen and she contacts Luke Skywalker and…
(Luke is shown, with a slightly different appearance)
Sean: (Narrating) WHOA-HO-HO-HO!
"Holy Christmas nuts, what the hell am I looking at here? He looks like a friggin' Ken doll. Better keep the lightsaber away from him because he'll melt his face off." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) From what I've read about the special's trivia on IMDB, Mark Hamill's face was heavily made up as he was recovering from reconstructive surgery so they had to hide the scars on his face. Between the accident and the holiday special, Hamill made the movie Corvette Summer and he presented an award at the 1978 Oscars and he looked fine. So why did the makeup department feel the need to turn him into a walking Ken doll? It's going to give the viewers nightmares.
Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): Where's Chewbacca?
(Malla and Itchy start roaring)
Luke Skywalker: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute. One at a time.
Sean: (V/O as Luke Skywalker) I can't understand a word you guys are saying. Can we have some subtitles, please?
Luke Skywalker: You don't know where he is?
(Malla roars)
Luke Skywalker: Oh, he's not there. Is that it?
(Malla roars)
Luke Skywalker: Oh, boy. Well, all I can tell you is that he and Han left here on schedule. He's not there now, they're way overdue. He must be in trouble.
"Boy, that really melts my makeup." Sean said, imitating Luke Skywalker.
Sean: (Narrating) Luke assures them that Chewie will be there and that he won't miss Life Day and that he'll make it.
Luke Skywalker: Come on. Don't look so worried. Now, Chewie's not gonna want to come home to a house full of long faces, is he? C'mon, Malla, let's see a little smile.
(Malla struggles to smile)
Luke Skywalker: Come on.
(Malla smiles)
Luke Skywalker: (Smiles) That's better.
"Note to self: never make a Wookie smile because they look fucking creepy when they smile." Sean said.
(R2-D2 works on the engine until it emits steam)
Luke Skywalker: (Yells) R2! What are you doing?!
(R2 beeps)
Luke Skywalker: Watch that, will ya!
"Nice job, Artoo! You just melted off Luke's face. Stupid droid." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after contacting Luke, Malla contacts a human trader named Saun Dann, played by Art Carney, and we see that he's the middle of a deal with an Imperial Navy trooper.
Saun Dann (Played by Art Carney) I suppose you want to see my identification?
Imperial Navy Trooper: No, I'm off duty. I've come to look around your shop.
Saun Dann: Oh good, good, good. Look around. Browse around, make yourself at home. As you can see, I've got just about everything a man or Wookie would want.
"Would you like a VHS copy of The Late Show? Or how about episodes of The Honeymooners?" Sean asked, imitating Saun Dann.
Sean: (Narrating) So while the trooper is busy looking at items, Saun Dann speaks with Malla carefully, assuring her that Han and Chewie are on their way and that they should be arriving soon. But he doesn't know where they're at.
Saun Dann: Don't worry, Malla. I know just why you're calling. You're wondering when that shaggy carpet you ordered will arrive at your home.
"Really? "Shaggy carpet"? Racist much, dude?" Sean asked.
Saun Dann: You know, it was made especially for you by a little old woman four planets away. She did it all by herself. In fact, you might say she did it by Han… Solo.
"Subtle. Real subtle, dude." Sean said. "You do realize that there's an Imperial Trooper standing right next to you?!"
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the Star Destroyer, where an Imperial Officer informs Darth Vader that a blockade has been set up around the planet and a search has begun for the Rebels.
Darth Vader (Played by James Earl Jones): I want the Rebels located and identified, if it means searching every household in the system.
"I bet you James Earl Jones thought that this Christmas special is the most stupid thing ever." Sean said.
Imperial Officer: We've ordered a blockade and a curfew. And, started a search operation. It's just a matter of time before we find the Rebels.
Sean: (V/O as Darth Vader) God, I cannot believe that I've agreed to this. Why am I doing this? I was Admiral Greer in the Jack Ryan movies, goddamn it!
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Kashyyyk, Malla is preparing dinner for Life Day and she turns on a cooking show hosted by… (Sees Harvey Korman playing Gormaanda) Oh, my God! What the hell am I watching?
Gormaanda (Played by Harvey Korman): Today, we are going to be preparing a very succulent dish called Bantha Surprise.
"Harvey Korman, why?" Sean asked.
Gormaanda: Now today, I am going to be using the tenderest cut of the Bantha, the loin. The loin is very tasty and serves four nicely. But, of course, if your family has a hearty appetite, I would suggest then that old popular holiday favorite: the Bantha Rump.
"Jesus, he looks like a mix between Lady Tremaine from Cinderella, Rosie the Robot from The Jetsons and Dot Matrix from Spaceballs. Look, Harvey Korman is a comedy legend and he's one of my favorites. And for those of you who haven't seen his work before, you're gonna have to take my word for it because this holiday special is a complete waste of his talent. As a matter of fact, don't take my word for it. Just go watch Blazing Saddles and History of the World Part I. He's hilarious in those two. Which I should be watching right now." Sean said.
Gormaanda: And guess what we're ready for now: the cooking! Step one- we stir the mixture. Stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, very nice.
(Chef Gormaanda stirs her mixture with every "stir" she says with a spoon. Malla is stirring hers, too)
Gormaanda: Now, step two- while we're stirring, we also whip.
"Oh, God." Sean said.
Gormaanda: So it's stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir!
(We cut back to Sean, who looks very irritated as he sees Gormaanda repeating "Stir, whip" over and over again)
Gormaanda: Come on, faster altogether now. Cooking can be fun!
(Gormaanda's "Stit, whip!" continues for a long time as Sean becomes more irritated and is unable to take this nonsense any longer)
Gormaanda: Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, beat! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, beat! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Whaa!
"SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! GODDAMN IT, WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP FOR A CHANGE?! YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE! This is not entertainment! This is bad comedy!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut back to Han and Chewie and we get some stock footage from a better movie that we should all be watching right now, we return to Kashyyyk as the Imperials set up a blockade around the planet.
Imperial Officer: Due to suspected Rebel activity on the Kazook planet….
"Excuse me, what?" Sean asked.
Imperial Officer: …the Kazook planet…
"Uh, don't you mean "Kashyyyk"? How did you get "Kazook" out of "Kashyyyk"? Also, have you noticed that they never acknowledged what Life Day is?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) What's the history of Life Day? How did it begin? How long has it been around? Uh, it's not a holiday special unless you explain what the holiday is, you morons!
(Cut back to the Wookie family)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, great. We're back with the Wookies because we haven't had enough of their roaring. You know, when you have the cast of Star Wars in it, you expect to see the cast of Star Wars, not these annoying walking fuzzballs! Anyway, Saun Dann shows up. Oh, great. We have a human voice to listen to.
Saun Dann: How are my favorite Wookies today? Why all the long hairy faces?
"Why all the terrible jokes, Carney? And he won an Oscar. Let that sink in. Let… that… sink… in." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He comes bearing gifts for Life Day gifts for the family, including a memory chip for Itchy, in which he inserts it into his mind evaporator and it plays him a video, where Diahann Carroll sings and… how do I say this? She says some pretty suggestive things and Itchy seems to be enjoying this way too much.
Mermeia Holographic Wow (Played by Diahann Carroll): I am found in your eyes only. I exist for you alone. I am in your mind as you create me. Oh, yes… I can feel my creation.
"What the hell am I watching?" Sean asked.
Mermeia Holographic Wow: Oh, oh… we are excited, aren't we? Well, just relax. Just relax. Yes, a little more. Now, we can have a good time, can't we?
"What the hell am I watching?" Sean asked once more.
Mermeia Holographic Wow: You see, I am your fantasy. I am your experience. So experience me. I am your pleasure. Enjoy me.
"Ewwww! That's disgusting! Now, I know what you're going to say: "Sean, it's just your dirty mind reading into this." Oh, really? You have Grandpa Wookie masturbating to Diahann Carroll." Sean said, looking disgusted.
Sean: (Narrating) Here's another piece of trivia that I've read, that sequence with Diahann Carroll was intended to be "softcore porn that would pass the censors.". Yeah, this is a holiday special that aired on primetime television that adults and kids were watching. Let that sink in.
"God, I feel very disgusted just thinking about it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after that disgusting display of Wookierotica… ugh! We cut to the Rebel base as Malla contacts C-3PO and Princess Leia and I swear, and I hate to be speaking ill of the dead, but it looks like that Carrie Fisher is coked out of her mind from starring in this special.
Princess Leia (Played by Carrie Fisher): Malla, it's good to see you. Happy Life Day.
(Malla growls)
C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): (Translating) Oh, she says it may be a happy Life Day for you, but personally, she's seen happier ones.
Princess Leia: (To Threepio) I… I don't want to tie up the channels. (To Malla) So, could you do me a favor and send either Chewbacca or Han Solo to the screen, please?
"Uh, you're not accomplishing anything, special. You keep reminding us that Han and Chewie didn't arrive yet. Yes, we know that, goddamn it! Quit reminding us about that!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) But don't worry, though. The Wookies hear a ship from outside, so it must be Chewbacca arriving, finally…
(Malla and Lumpy meet at the door and open it, only to be greeted by two Stormtroopers with blasters pointed at them)
Sean: (Narrating) …aw, shit!
(Malla roars as the Stormtroopers enter their home and they're followed by an Imperial guard and an Imperial officer)
Sean: (V/O as Imperial officer with a German accent) Good evening, Fraulein. We heard you've been hiding Rebel spies.
Sean: (Narrating) The Imperials storm the home and they search around the house and they suspect them of wrongdoing and they're a bit suspicious of Chewbacca's absence. While all that is going on, Saun Dann tries to distract the Imperials by not being funny.
Saun Dann: (To the Imperial officer) Oh, officer, that uh, that picture you're looking at right now was taken quite a few years ago. That's uh, one of me. I've gained quite a bit of weight since then. (Laughs nervously)
"I think that Art Carney knows that his career is going down the toilet." Sean said.
Imperial Guard: (To Lumpy) Hello, little guy. Where's your daddy?
(Lumpy snaps at the Imperial Guard)
Sean: (V/O as Imperial Guard) OW! You little shit! I'm going to turn you into a shag carpet!
(The Imperial Guard gets ready to strike Lumpy, but Malla steps forward and growls at him)
Sean: (V/O as Imperial Guard) Yo momma!
Sean: (Narrating) But before Malla rips off an Imperial Officer's arms off, Saun Dann stops being funny and distracts the Imperials with a music box as they watch a music video by Jefferson Starship)
("Light the Sky on Fire" by Jefferson Starship starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, I don't know what Jefferson Starship has anything to do with Star Wars, but with what I had to deal with through this review, I found this part very entertaining. I'm not a Jefferson Starship, but the song is pretty good.
(The song continues to go on)
"Man, this feels like I'm watching VH1 Classic. At least I'm not bored with this part." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after that awesome music video, the Imperials kick Saun Dann out so they can continue their search throughout the house, Lumpy watches a Star Wars cartoon. This is the part of the special that people say is the best. But I have a little problem with this one, the animation looks crappy. The people who made the animated segment was Nelvana. God, I've seen better animation from Nelvana than this one. Anyway, in this animated segment, we see that Han and Chewie crashlands on a moon in the Panna system and Luke, R2-D2 and C-3PO fly down to the Panna moon, where they're attacked by a giant creature. But then they're savior saves their lives and here we get the first appearance of Boba Fett and we see that he has no love for the Empire.
Boba Fett: I take it you have no love of the Empire.
Luke Skywalker: I don't.
Boba Fett: Well, neither do I.
"Oh, I'm sure he's very trustworthy." Sean said, sarcastically.
Sean: (Narrating) They arrive at the Millennium Falcon with Boba's help, where Luke comes across Chewie about to destroy the magical talisman, but Luke collapses to the floor. Also, I have to point something out, why the hell does C-3PO blink? Who's ever heard of a robot that blinks?
(A clip from the movie Transformers is shown)
Optimus Prime (Voiced by Peter Cullen): My name is Optimus Prime.
(Optimus blinks)
"Okay, Optimus Prime doesn't count. We'll give him a free pass for that one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Plus, what the hell is up with Han Solo's face? He looks like an animated version of Richard Gere? Anyway, let's get back to Boba, who is obviously evil and he has an ulterior motive for tracking down our heroes.
(Boba goes to a public communications unit and inserts a card into it. Then, Darth Vader appears on the monitor)
Boba Fett: I have made contact with the Rebels and all is proceeding as you wish, Darth Vader.
"What a surprise. The guy who we thought is the hero, turns out to be the villain. Oh, please! I already knew that Boba Fett is the bad guy when I watched The Empire Strikes Back. Yeah, this was before I learned about the holiday special." Sean said.
Sean; (Narrating) Anyway, our heroes learned about Boba Fett's treachery and Boba Fett leaves until The Empire Strikes Back, and then we're back to this bullshit where we see the Imperials tearing this place apart and they even stoop so low by ripping the head off of Lumpy's stuffed Bantha doll. Uh, yeah. What are you going to find in there, jackhole?! Are you expecting plans to raid an Imperial base on Sullust? After they finish ransacking Lumpy's room, Lumpy takes some time by putting together his Life Day present from Saun Dann and it even comes with an instructional video hosted by… (Sees Harvey Korman, this time he's playing the Amorphian Instructor) oh, God!
Amorphian Instructor (Also played by Harvey Korman): But now let's get started, shall we?
(The Amorphian Instructor malfunctions a bit and he pats his behind and starts working again)
"Really, dude?! Were you desperate for work after The Carol Burnett Show went off the air?" Sean asked.
Amorphian Instructor: Please be careful not to hurt yourself on the sharp edges.
(He touches the tool's point and pulls his hand back in pain)
Amorphian Instructor: (Slowing down) Ouch.
"How the hell is this entertaining? I find Girlsway porn more entertaining than this." Sean said.
Amorphian Instructor: (Normally) Now, find the circuit breaker module and by the way, let's start calling these components by their proper names.
"This is not interesting. This is just boring." Sean said.
Amorphian Instructor: Every one of the ten thousand terminals are in your circuit breaker module. It is marked in a peculiar color…
"I'm getting stupider every time I'm watching this. I just forgot about my girlfriend's birthday." Sean said.
Amorphian Instructor: These must be connected to the wires with the corresponding colors…
"I forgot what 9 times 9 equals." Sean said. "This made me stupid. Thanks a lot, special. You made me stupid.
Amorphian Instructor: Blue goes to blue and so on…
"I wonder if there's an instruction manual on how to do a holiday special, because you need that right now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After this pointless nonsense, the Imperials get a call to return to base. So they decide to leave but they are instructed to watch a documentary called "Life on Tatooine", which plays on the Wookies' television.
(The documentary called "Life on Tatooine" is shown)
Female Announcer: (Over speakers) Time now for Life on Tatooine. Brought to viewers everywhere in the hope that our own lives may be uplifted by the comparison and enriched with the gratitude of relief.
Sean: (Narrating) Really? That's what the Imperials got to do? Watch a friggin' documentary. What is so important than looking for Rebel spies? Is this seriously more important than… anything?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, playing an Imperial officer, talking to Brian, who's playing a Stormtrooper, as we see him searching the room)
Sean: (as Imperial Officer) Trooper, stop what you're doing and gather around the television.
Brian: (as Stormtrooper) But, sir. This house may have evidence connecting them to the Rebellion.
Sean: Forget about it. I want you to watch a video.
Brian: But sir, this is ridiculous. We can't just watch a documentary. This is a gross misuse of our resources.
Sean: Fine. Then I'll tell Lord Vader your complaint.
Brian: Complaint? Did I say complaint? I enjoy watching the documentary. I'm glad that Lord Vader lets us watch these things.
Sean: (Smiles) I'm glad that you understand.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the Mos Eisley Cantina, where we see a bartender named Ackmena, played by Bea Arthur…
"Because really, when you think of Star Wars you think of Bea Arthur." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Ackmena tending bar to some of it's patrons and… (Sees Harvey Korman playing another character, this time the character he's playing is named Krelman) …oh, joy. Another character that's played by Harvey Korman because we couldn't get enough of Count The Money…
(A clip from History of the World Part I is shown)
Count de Monet (Played by Harvey Korman): de Monet.
"Oh, shove it!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) As you can see, Harvey Korman plays a character named Krelman, and you can see that he's very interested and attracted to her. Well, let's see if he does something funny in this special.
(Krelman pours his drink into the top of his head)
"Remember Blazing Saddles? Yeah, he was hilarious in that movie." Sean said.
Ackmena (Played by Bea Arthur): I don't get many flowers. I uh… but you didn't have to bring me anything ah, ah…
Krelman (Also played by Harvey Korman): Krelman.
Ackmena: Krelman, what a nice name.
Krelman: When I left here the other night, I felt something that I haven't felt in longer than I care to remember. I felt alive again.
"Hell, I would rather be watching High Anxiety than this special!" Sean exclaimed.
Ackmena: …if you're saying what I think you're saying you felt you meant I thought you needed to hear, then I just have one thing to say. I did not.
"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked, looking confused.
Sean: (Narrating) But their fun is ruined by the Empire as Tatooine is placed under curfew and the Imperials order everyone to return to their homes.
Ackmena: Gentlemen, I guess you didn't hear what I said! The Empire has closed us down!/All right. We'll have one more round. This one's on the house.
"Yeah, that's right! Screw the Empire! They can't ruin our fun! Let's all get drunk!" Sean exclaimed, imitating one of the bar patrons.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get a song sung by Bea Arthur and honestly, it's not that bad.
Ackmena: (Singing) Just one more round, friend. Then homeward bound, friend. Don't forget me in your dreams. Just one more song, friend. And then so long, friend. The night's get shorter it seems.
Sean: (Narrating) I hate to say this, but this is the best part of the special and this musical sequence is not that bad. Maybe because everything else is so horrible in this special and she's the only character that I like in this because I feel bad for her that her bar is closing. And you wanna know something? The idea of closing a bar that can supply me alcohol makes me kind of sad. In fact, this whole special should have been about her. Yeah! It should've been better if it was all about her. It could've focused on Bea Arthur as a singing bartender in a Cantina on Tatooine. They should've thought of that before! Instead, we got a Wookie choir making our ears bleed! Anyway, one of the Stormtroopers find Lumpy in his room playing around with his mini-transmitter that he constructed and he smashes it. But before the Stormtrooper goes after Lumpy, Han and Chewbacca finally arrive to save the day.
(Han sneaks up from behind the Stormtrooper and knocks the blaster out of his hand. Han makes a move to grab the blaster and so does the Stormtrooper. But, the Stormtrooper trips over some wood on the porch and trips. He breaks through the railing and falls to his death, screaming)
"Wow, that's the stupidest Stormtrooper I have ever seen in my life. He just trips over his gun and falls like a complete idiot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And just as quick as he came, Han tells the family that he has to go, but Chewie can stay to celebrate Life Day. So, how do they celebrate Life Day? By putting on some red robes and they hold up some snowglobes and…
(A line of Wookies go into a giant ball of light)
Sean: (Narrating) …what the hell? Are they crossing the sea to Valinor? What the hell is this? Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Or am I dead?
"I'm thinking it's the last one. I'm pretty sure that I'm dead and the cause of death was me watching this abomination!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see a bunch of Wookies gather around the Tree of Life. Oh, great! It's an orgy of Wookies! And aside from all that: C-3PO, R2-D2, Princess Leia, Luke and Han have showed up. Why is Han there? I thought he left.
Princess Leia: This holiday is yours but, we all share with you the hope that this day brings us closer to freedom, and to harmony, and to peace….
"Why me?" Sean asked.
Princess Leia: (Singing) We celebrate a day of peace. A day of harmony. A day of joy we can all share together joyously…
Sean: (Narrating) Son of a bitch!
"Another song?! Please, don't! I can't take it anymore! I have had enough of this! We're stopping right here. No, no, no! HELL, NO! That was the Star Wars Holiday Special… holy shitballs!" Sean exclaimed.
(Clips from the special are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, everyone knows that this is bad. How bad? Man, just watching it made it even hard for me to watch because I was going insane from watching it and I walked away from it for a bit and I ended up watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I'm thinking the Wookies roaring and Itchy watching VR porn did it for us. And let's not forget Harvey Korman as that annoying chef. The best parts I like about the special was Jefferson Starship, the animated sequence and Bea Arthur singing. Other than that, this special was a disaster. I felt like I needed a drink after this. I do not recommend this to anyone. And if you track this down on YouTube, then god have mercy on your souls. The Star Wars Holiday Special comes in at one Bantha loin out of 5.
"Well, that is all! Merry Christmas, everybody. Thanks for tuning in for these. And I know that there are some Christmas movies and specials that I was planning on reviewing, but don't worry, there's always next year. Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed it and… hold up. Wait a minute. Next month is January. Do you know what that means? NEXT MONTH IS STAR TREK MONTH! I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next year." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch and leaves the room while the Star Trek theme plays in the background.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I've gained quite a bit of weight since then. (Laughs nervously)
Whew! Boy, what a nightmare to get through. And yes, I watched it and it almost drove me to the point where I almost became an alcoholic. So, that was the Mayhem Critic's review of the horrible Star Wars Holiday Special… never again. I can see why people say that this is the worst special ever. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean kicks off January with his new theme month and it is Star Trek Month and the film that he's kicking off Star Trek Month is Star Trek III: The Search for Spock. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to do a co-review of any of the Star Trek movies with me, then feel free to PM me if you're interested. Also, aside from working on The Mayhem Critic, I will be working on more Stranger Things one-shots. So after I'm finished working on my newest Stranger Things one-shot Jealousy, I will be working on my first Lumax one-shot A Stalker Watches. If you have any requests for a Stranger Things one-shot either rated K+, T or M, feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.