The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another great and hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic continues Star Trek Month with what many consider this to be the best Star Trek movie, and that movie is Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. But the question remains, is The Undiscovered Country better than The Wrath of Khan? We'll find out today. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective owners. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country is owned by Paramount Pictures.
Star Trek Month Part IV: Star Trek VI; The Undiscovered Country
It was a cool and sunny Saturday afternoon in the suburban neighborhood of Glenview Meadows. Movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, is sitting in his living room while he's reading over a script for today's review. The young critic takes a sip of Earl Grey tea until suddenly he is beamed from out of his living room to a Klingon trial on Qo'noS.
"What the hell?!" Sean asked as he looked around the Klingon courtroom to see a bunch of Klingons in the room chanting "Archer!"
The Klingons continue to chant out Sean's last name until the Klingon judge slams his round silver metal gavel down to silence the court as Brian, who is playing General Chang, appears as the prosecutor and Dave, who is playing Colonel Worf, as Sean's defense attorney.
"My Klingon brothers! What you see standing before you, is the man who is responsible for the crime. Sean Jonathan Archer, also known as the Mayhem Critic is on trial, the greatest sin that he committed." Brian said.
"Your Honor, Mr. Archer is not on trial for his opinion on what he likes." Dave said.
"Objection!" Brian shouted.
"Oh, object this!" Dave exclaimed while giving Brian the middle finger.
"Uh, what am I doing here? And what did I do? You guys are making it act like I've assassinated the Klingon Chancellor." Sean said.
"Well, did you? Did you assassinate Chancellor Gorkon for your opinion on why today's movie is much better than the one you reviewed last year?" Brian asked.
"Now wait a minute here." Sean said.
"I offer into the record of this excerpt from the Critic's review." Brian said.
(A sound clip from Sean's review of The Wrath of Khan plays in the courtroom)
Sean: (Recording) Well, with Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home and Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country are my two favorite Star Trek movies, but this one is still my all-time favorite.
"Are those your words?" Brian asked.
"Well, duh. Of course those are my words. But I did not say that The Undiscovered Country is a better film than The Wrath of Khan. That one is still an absolute classic and one of the best Sci-Fi films of all time." Sean said. "As a critic, I am responsible for liking a better film that I happen to enjoy and give my thoughts about it."
"And for that, you shall be sent to Rura Penthe, where you will be spending for the rest of your natural life." Brian said.
"FUCK THAT SHIT! BEAM ME OUT, TAYLOR!" Sean screamed out.
Sean is immediately beamed out of the Klingon courtroom and back to his own home.
(The intro to Star Trek Month plays and we are shown the logo, then we cut to Sean the Mayhem Critic sitting on his couch in his living room)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Well, seeing how Star Trek Month is almost finished and there's only one theatrical Star Trek movie featuring the original cast."
(The poster for Star Trek: Generations is shown)
"Okay, well it had three of the original cast in it." Sean said.
(The poster for Star Trek, the 2009 movie is shown)
"Okay, you're just insulting my intelligence here. And also, my celebrity crush Zoe Saldana is in it. Isn't that enough?" Sean asked as a picture of actress Zoe Saldana is shown. "It only makes sense to look over at what people consider this to be the best Star Trek movie, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country."
(The title screen for "Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the "Star Trek VI Suite" from the end credits composed by Cliff Eidelman plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) After five consecutive adventures, with the last film almost killing the franchise, you would think that the original crew of the Enterprise would be done with their cinematic adventures. Yeah, that's what I thought when I was young and when I saw the VHS of the movie, I did not even know that this movie existed. Released in theaters on December 6th, 1991, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country was the final film for the original crew. Like I said, I did not even know about this film when I was a kid. The film was a mystery to me. Maybe because it came out in 1991 and Star Trek: The Next Generation was the talk of the town. Hell, the show was in it's fifth season and you have Spock appearing in the two-part episode Unification, which aired a month before the movie's release. Also, the film was released just in time for Star Trek's 25th anniversary. The critic's loved it and it made a lot of money at the box office. The advertising for the movie was pretty good. Just take a look at the teaser trailer for the movie.
(The teaser trailer for Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country is shown)
Narrator (Voiced by Christopher Plummer): For one-quarter of a century, they have thrilled us with their adventures, amazed us with their discoveries and inspired us with their courage. Their ship has journeyed beyond imagination. Her name has become legend. Her crew, the finest ever assembled./Now you are invited to join them for one last adventure. For at the end of history, lies the undiscovered country.
Sean: (Narrating) The teaser trailer was excellent and when I saw the teaser for it, I literally had tears in my eyes because of how good it is.
(Pictures of Leonard Nimoy and director Nicholas Meyer are shown back to back)
Sean: (Narrating) The idea for the movie is quite interesting. What if the wall comes down in outer space. That was the idea suggested by Leonard Nimoy when he told Nicholas Meyer about it. Also, the Klingons have been stand-ins for the Russians. Originally, the script was an idea revisited by producer Harve Bennett, which is a prequel featuring young versions of Kirk and Spock at Starfleet Academy, but Paramount rejected the idea. The film was dedicated to the memory of Gene Roddenberry, who passed away before the film's release. Once again, Nicholas Meyer steps in to direct the epic swan song. But the question remains, is The Undiscovered Country better than The Wrath of Khan? Well, we got a lot of movie to cover, so let's not waste any time.
"Let's take a look at the final voyage… until we get the Next Generation to have their turn appearing on the big screen three years later. This is Star Trek VI." Sean said.
(The opening credits are shown as we see the font changing different colors)
Sean: (Narrating) After we get a little tribute to Gene Roddenberry, we cut to the opening credits and instead of the white text that we usually see during the opening titles, we see that the opening titles shift color like pink, purple, blue, green and around again and I absolutely love the opening credits. Also, I should really talk about the music. I know that composers like Jerry Goldsmith, James Horner and Leonard Rosenman are my favorites, but I absolutely love Cliff Eidelman's music score. Whenever I hear either Goldsmith, Horner and Rosenman's music, I think of adventure and some fun. With Eidelman's music score, we get a dark, serious theme that sets the tone of the movie, which is much different than the last five movies and this is one of my favorites. (As the camera zooms in on the credits) I also love that Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal were the co-writers of this film. (A poster of Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is shown) Because when I think of Star Trek VI, I think of the guys who co-wrote the worst Superman movie ever.
(We see an explosion erupting, creating a massive subspace shock wave before cutting to the USS Excelsior and Sulu, who's now the captain of the Excelsior, sipping his tea)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie wastes no time in getting started as we see an explosion in space and a massive shock wave and we see that Sulu, who's now the captain of the Excelsior…
(We are shown a clip from the 2013 movie Captain Phillips)
Muse (Played by Barkhad Abdi): Look at me.
Captain Richard Phillips (Played by Tom Hanks): Sure.
Muse: Look at me.
Captain Richard Phillips: Sure.
Muse: I'm the captain now.
"I'm sorry, I had to. I had to bring that line back for this review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I also love that the fact that Sulu is drinking a cup of tea. Hell, he did it right before Picard made it a thing.
Sulu (Played by George Takei): (V/O) Captain's log, U.S.S. Excelsior. Hikaru Sulu commanding. After three years, I've concluded by first assignment as master of this vessel, cataloging gaseous planetary anomalies in Beta Quadrant.
"Since they didn't make Sulu the captain of his own ship in the second film, they made him a captain in this movie. I'm thinking maybe he doesn't want to be on the same ship as Shatner because of their feud. Well, at least Shatner went to space. What the hell did you do, Takei? Well, he was the grand marshal for Oktoberfest ten years ago and he was at the Comic Expo. But then again, Shatner was at the Comic Expo last year and my Mom got his autograph. I'll give them a free pass." Sean said.
(The ship begins to shudder and Sulu's teacup rattles off his table and breaks on the floor)
Sean: (V/O as Sulu) Not my cup of Lipton's!
Sean: (Narrating) The alarm blares as the Excelsior comes across the shock wave.
Sulu: (Se the shock wave on the viewscreen) My… God!
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
Reporter: Oh… my…
(Explosion)
Sean: (Narrating) They get caught in the shock wave and they manage to get out of it and they see where the shock wave came from.
Valtane (Excelsior Officer) (Played by Jeremy Roberts): It's Praxis, sir. It's a Klingon moon.
Sulu: Praxis is their key energy production facility. (To Rand) Send to Klingon high command- - this is Excelsior, a Federation starship. We have monitored a large explosion in your sector. Do you require assistance?
Rand (Played by Grace Lee Whitney): Aye, sir.
Sean: (Narrating) They see that Praxis has been destroyed due to a mining accident and video footage of the incident, until it is replaced by a transmission from Klingon Brigadier General Kerla, played by Paul Rossilli.
Brigadier Kerla (Played by Paul Rossilli): (On viewscreen) There has been an incident on Praxis. However, everything is under control. We have no need for assistance. Obey treaty stipulations and remain outside the neutral zone. This transmission ends now.
(The transmission ends with an image of the Klingon symbol)
Sulu: "An incident"?
Rand: Do we report this, sir?
Sulu: Are you kidding?
"Of course we're going to report it. They just had themselves a Chernobyl incident. You know, you Klingons aren't that bright." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile at Starfleet Headquarters, we see that Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, Chekov and Uhura arrive at a meeting as the Chief in Command, played by Leon Russom, informs everyone at Starfleet about the situation involving the Klingons, then he turns the meeting over to Spock about the destruction of Praxis has polluted their ozone.
"Hmm, if this is a Star Trek take on the Cold War, curious who the Klingon Gorbachev-esque character is." Sean said.
Spock (Played by Leonard Nimoy): Last month, at the behest of the Vulcan ambassador, I opened a dialogue with Gorkon, chancellor of the Klingon high council. He proposes to commence negotiations at once.
Admiral Cartwright (Played by Brock Peters): Negotiations for what?
Spock: The dismantling of our space stations and star bases along the neutral zone, an end to almost 70 years of unremitting hostility which the Klingons can no longer afford.
"You know, in the original series, the Organian Peace Treaty was signed between the Klingons and the Federation, which would have 100% relaxed some of the hostility between the two factions who were at war with each other. You're acting like there's has never been anything done to assist allowing both of these factions to come to an agreement with each other." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But returning character from Star Trek IV Admiral Cartwright objects to this and that the Klingons must not be offered safe haven in Federation space and he suggest that they should bring them to their knees and Kirk agrees with Cartwright because it is a terrible idea to make peace with them.
Spock: It is imperative that we act now to support the Gorkon initiative lest more conservative elements persuade his empire that it is better to attempt a military solution and die fighting.
Chief in Command (Played by Leon Russom): You, Captain Kirk, are to be our first olive branch.
Spock: We have volunteered to rendezvous with the Klingon vessel which is bringing Chancellor Gorkon to Earth and to escort him safely through Federation space.
Kirk (Played by William Shatner): Me?
Chief in Command (Played by Leon Russom): Well, there are Klingons who feel the same way about the peace treaty as yourself and Admiral Cartwright, but they'll think twice about attacking the Enterprise under your command.
Spock: I have personally vouched for you in this matter, Captain.
Kirk: You have personally vouched?
"And right now, Kirk is thinking of a bunch of colorful metaphors to say to Spock after this meeting is over." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The meeting ends and Kirk is not too happy with Spock volunteering the Enterprise without consulting him.
Kirk: They're animals.
Spock: Jim, there is a historical opportunity here.
Kirk: Don't believe them. Don't trust them.
Spock: They are dying.
Kirk: Let them die.
"Whoa! Calm down, Kirk. No need to go this far as to say that. I know that you're not big fans of them and I know they're not big fans of you either, so no need to go this dark, buddy." Sean said.
Kirk: Has it occurred to you that this crew is due to stand down in three months? We've done our bit for king and country. You should have trusted me.
"Uh, after the last film that you wrote and directed, I don't think so." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk and the crew return to the Enterprise and they're introduced to a young Vulcan female named Lieutenant Valeris, played by Kim Catrall. She's also the first Vulcan to be graduated at the top of the class at the academy.
Kirk: You must be very proud.
Valeris (Played by Kim Catrall): I don't believe so, sir.
McCoy (Played by DeForest Kelley): She's a Vuclan all right.
"Yeah, a Vulcan who's been mentored by Spock." Sean said.
Valeris: Captain, may I remind you that regulations specify thrusters only while in space dock?
(Spock clears his throat)
"Oh, yeah. She's got a lot to learn." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Enterprise departs Spacedock as they travel to the Sol system to rendezvous with Gorkon all while Kirk is busy doing his Captain's Log recording.
Kirk: I've never trusted Klingons, and I never will. I can never forgive them for the death of my boy.
"I love the fact that Kirk still holds a grudge against the Klingons for after what happened to his son David back in the third movie. And I also love that they included a scene where Kirk puts a photograph of his son on his desk and that was filmed after Merritt Butrick's passing. I'm thinking as a little tribute to him. It's the little things that you get to notice in a film that was released 32 years ago." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Valeris interrupts Kirk's log to inform him that they're almost at the rendezvous point and she decides to have a little chat with Kirk. Either that or have her channel her inner Samantha Jones to sleep with Kirk's old ass. (A picture of Samantha Jones from Sex and the City is shown next to a picture of Lt. Valeris)
Valeris: Permission to speak freely, sir. It is an honor to serve with you.
Kirk: You piloted well out of the space dock, Lieutenant.
Valeris: I've always wanted to try that, sir.
"Isn't that what Samantha said in an episode of Sex and the City?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Spock speaks to Valeris in his quarters to congratulate her and he tells her that he has followed her career with satisfaction that she has exceeded his expectations and I have to say that this is a really good scene. You have Valeris looking at a painting that is hanging on Spock's wall and that she doesn't understand the representation of the painting as Spock tells her that the painting is a reminder to him that all things end, which is what the movie is dealing with right now. We see the ending of the war between the Federation and the Klingons and also the final voyage of the Enterprise.
Spock: History is replete with turning points, Lieutenant. You must have faith.
Valeris: Faith?
Spock: That the universe will unfold as it should.
Valeris: But is that logical? Surely we must…
Spock: Logic, logic and logic. Logic… is the beginning of wisdom, Valeris, not the end. This will be my final voyage on board this vessel as a member of her crew. Nature abhors a vacuum. I intend you to replace me.
"Years from now, Spock will become ambassador and he teams up with Picard to uncover a massive conspiracy involving the Romulans." Sean said, referring the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode Unification.
Sean: (Narrating) The Enterprise meets up with the Klingon battle cruiser Kronos One and Kirk speaks with Chancellor Gorkon, played by David Warner, and he invites him and his party over for dinner with his officers, which he accepts. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Scotty head down to the transporter room to beam Gorkon and his party aboard the Enterprise. Joining Chancellor Gorkon is his daughter Azetbur played by Rosanna DeSoto, Brigadier Kerla and his Chief of Staff General Chang played by the late Christopher Plummer.
General Chang (Played by Christopher Plummer): I have so wanted to meet you, Captain.
Kirk: I'm not sure how to take that.
Brigadier Kerla: Sincere admiration, Kirk.
General Chang: From one warrior to another.
Kirk: Right.
"Okay, as much as I like Khan in Star Trek II, General Chang is the best damn villain in this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love how smug and obnoxious he is when he tells Kirk that he wanted to meet him and Kirk's like: "Oh, okay.". And you could tell Kirk was getting uncomfortable. Also, racist much, buddy?
Crewman #1: They all look alike.
Crewman #2: What about that smell? You know only top-of-the-line models can even talk…
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to what's possibly my favorite dinner scene in a movie as we see Kirk and the crew having dinner with Chancellor Gorkon and his party. Also, that Romulan ale looks good.
Chancellor Gorkon (Played by David Warner): I offer a toast. The undiscovered country. The future.
All: The undiscovered country.
"Ladies and gentleman, the start of Spock's next journey, as a diplomat." Brian said, toasting the scene with a glass of white wine.
Spock: Hamlet, Act III, Scene 1.
Chancellor Gorkon: You've not experience Shakespeare until you have read him in the original Klingon.
General Chang: (Speaks in Klingonese) To be or not to be? (Laughs)
"Oh, come on. If you want to experience Shakespeare, try riding Orion at Kings Island and recite the prologue of Romeo & Juliet. The best experience ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) What I love about the character Chancellor Gorkon is that he's based on Mikhail Gorbachev. Also, when I was a kid when I watched the movie, I didn't even recognize David Warner as a Klingon. Hell, I saw him in The Final Frontier and he played a human. It was impossible to tell if Gorkon is a friend or foe or maybe both. Hell, you would rather be suspicious of the one Klingon with an eyepatch. You can probably tell that this guy cannot be trusted.
General Chang: To be or not to be, that is the question which preoccupies our people, Captain Kirk. We need breathing room.
Kirk: Earth, Hitler, 1938.
(Spock looks at Kirk)
General Chang: I beg your pardon?
Chancellor Gorkon: Well, I see we have a long way to go.
"Well… that was pretty awkward. Nice job, Kirk." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that awkward dinner, Gorkon and his party return to their ship while Kirk and their crew have a sigh of relief from dining with the Klingons. But, things don't seem right when Spock summons Kirk to the bridge after the sensors pick up an enormous amount of neutron radiation emanating from the Enterprise and a photon torpedo hits Gorkon's ship, followed by another one that knocks out the gravity, leading to one of the most coolest scenes ever as two men in Starfleet uniforms and helmets beam aboard the Kronos One and this happens.
(Two 'hit-men' in Starfleet environmental suits and wearing gravity boot beam aboard and shoot the Klingon transporter officer and we see globs of purple blood spurting out of him)
"Great idea to use purple for the blood. A, gets it past the censors, and B, in-universe, shows that Klingons aren't human." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) I'm glad that Industrial Light and Magic returned to work on the visual effects for the movie. They're much improved than the last film. The scene with the assasins boarding the Kronos One is a very impressive scene, with its use of CGI to make it look interesting and not too gory and they really pulled it off. Originally, Nicholas Meyer wanted the Klingon's blood to be red, but that would make the film rated R. So to avoid that rating, it was changed to purple. I also love this part where this poor guy gets the worst punishment.
(One of the assassins fire at a Klingon officer, shooting his arm off)
"Well, that's one way to disarm a Klingon. Am I right?" Sean asked as a comedic drum riff plays in the background.
Sean: (Narrating) Gorkon is assassinated in the process, although it doesn't help seeing him do a zero gravity backflip like Sisqo in a Pepsi commercial. The assassins beam on out of there and Chang is not too happy about the Enterprise firing on them.
General Chang: We come in peace, and you blatantly defile that peace. For that, I shall blow you...
"Oh, my God, no!" Sean exclaimed in shock.
General Chang: ...out of the stars.
"Oh. He was talking about killing him. Sorry about that. Me and my dirty little mind." Sean said.
Kirk: We haven't fired.
Spock: Captain. According to our data banks, we have... twice.
"Well. so much for peace between the Federation and the Klingons. You just shot at them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Klingons prepare to open fire on the Enterprise, but Kirk orders that the Enterprise surrenders and Kirk and McCoy beam aboard Kronos One while leaving Spock in charge. Also, while watching this movie, I just noticed that Spock has placed something on Kirk's back (sees that Spock subtly places a small black patch on Kirk's back). Once they're aboard, they find Gorkon who's mortally wounded and McCoy tries to heal his wounds but has no luck because he doesn't even know Klingon anatomy, so he does this.
(McCoy hits Gorkon's chest repeatedly)
"By beating a dying Klingon. Some doctor are you." Sean said.
Gorkon: (To Kirk before dying) Don't let it end this way, Captain.
Sean: (Narrating) Gorkon dies and Chang has Kirk and McCoy arrested for murder and after hearing about their arrest, Spock assumes command of the ship and begins a full-scale investigation on what happened.
Spock: We must endeavor to piece together what happened here tonight. According to our data bank, this ship fired those torpedoes.
Scotty (Played by James Doohan): No way.
Spock: I sympathize, Mr. Scott, but we need evidence. Please accompany me.
Chekov (Played by Walter Koenig): And if we cannot piece together what happened? What then, sir?
Spock: In that case, Mr. Chekov, it resides in the purview of the diplomats.
Sean: (Narrating) But before we talk about the mystery, we cut to Earth as we see John Shuck reprising his role as the Klingon Ambassador from The Voyage Home having a meeting with the Federation President played by...
Federation President (Played by Kurtwood Smith): I have ordered a full-scale investigation. In the meantime...
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, my God. Is that Kurtwood Smith? It is! Kurtwood Smith is playing the Federation President on Star Trek!
Sean has a surprised look on his face, then he starts to think for a moment.
"Uh... I surprisingly have little material for that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kurtwood Smith as the Federation President on Star Trek. How am I supposed to come up with a joke about Kurtwood Smith as the Federation President? I mean, it's cool that he's playing the president and you couldn't even recognize him in that Efrosian makeup. Damn, I'm kinda stuck here!
"Don't worry, I'm sure that I'll come up with something. Just let me think for a moment." Sean said.
Klingon Ambassador (Played by John Schuck): Kirk and Dr. McCoy will stand trial for the assassination of Chancellor Gorkon.
Federation President (Played by Kurtwood Smith): Out of the question. Ambassador Sarek, there must be some way to extradite these men.
Sarek (Played by Mark Lenard): Mr. President, I share a measure of personal responsibility in this matter, but I am obliged to confirm my esteemed colleague's legal interpretation.
Federation President: What is the position of the Romulan government, Ambassador Nanclus?
Nanclus (Played by Darryl Henriques): I must concur with my colleagues.
Federation President: But you can't possibly believe that James Kirk assassinated the Chancellor of the High Council.
Nanclus: Mr. President, I don't know what to believe.
"Oh, that's easy for you to say. You're a Romulan! Don't worry, I'm still trying to come up with a joke." Sean said.
Klingon Ambassador: I'm waiting for your answer, sir.
Federation President: This president is not above the law.
"Ooh! Ooh! I've got one. This president is not afraid to put his foot up a Klingon's ass." Sean said.
(A clip from That 90's Show is shown)
Red Forman (Played by Kurtwood Smith): Son of a bitch!
"Oh, don't judge me. It's the best I could come up with." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Klingon Ambassador leaves just as the Chief in Command and Admiral Cartwright show up to meet with the President and joining them is Colonel West, played by the late Rene Auberjonois. Yep, that's Odo from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.
"Now, I know you're wondering who's Colonel West and why isn't he in the theatrical version of this movie. Well, here's your answer: it's because he was in the Director's Cut of the film. And I should've mentioned this to you all that I am looking over the Director's Cut version of the film." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) If you owned the Special Home Video version of Star Trek VI, you probably knew about it, since it has additional scenes that weren't shown in theaters and I have to say that the Director's Cut is much better than the Theatrical Cut and since I'm a movie buff, I did manage to snag me a copy of Star Trek VI on Ultra 4k Blu-Ray, which contains both versions just like Star Trek II and Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Even though I ordered the theatrical version of Star Trek: The Motion Picture on Blu-Ray since I've got the Director's Edition of the first film. Hey, I like to have both versions of the movie. Plus, the Director's Cut adds another player to the conspiracy going on. And yes, I will be going into spoilers because if Star Trek III can spoil the destruction of the Enterprise, then I might as well.
Admiral Cartwright: Mr. President. We cannot allow Federation citizens to be abducted.
Federation President: Yes, Admiral, but I'm constrained to observe interstellar law
Chief in Command: Sir, would you please take a look at this? Colonel West.
Colonel West (Played by Rene Auberjonois): We've prepared Operation Retrieve based on the rising danger of terrorism between the Klingon Empire and the Federation. Sir, we can go in, rescue the hostages, and get out in 24 hours with an acceptable rate of loss in manpower and equipment. We have the technology to...
Federation President: Yes, yes, but suppose you precipitate a full-scale war?
Colonel West: Then quite frankly, Mr. President, we can clean their chronometers.
"Don't you mean "clocks"? Couldn't you just say that instead? But no, you had to go all technical on our asses." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Azetbur has been named chancellor by the High Council and she talks to the President to tell him that in one week she will attend a peace conference at a neutral, secret site. But, on one condition: that they will not extradite Kirk and McCoy because if they do, they will consider this an act of war. The President agrees to the terms until her advisors suggest that they should attack the Federation.
General Chang: (To Azetbur) Your father was killed for what he wanted.
Azetbur (Played by Rosanna DeSoto): The peace process will go forward. Kirk... Kirk will pay for my father's death.
"Yeah, Klingons are the type of people who you do not want to piss off. They're an honorable and proud warrior race who would end up killing you. And besides, you guys are just provoking a war." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the Enterprise, Spock continues the investigation with Scotty and he checks the computer, which says that the Enterprise fired and the torpedo inventory says that they didn't and that they'll have to check each torpedo visually and Valeris tells them that Azetbur has been named chancellor.
Scotty: I bet that Klingon bitch killed her father.
Spock: Her own father?
Valeris: It is an old story, sir.
Scotty: They don't place the same value on life as we do, Spock. You know that. Take my word. She did not shed one bloody tear.
Spock: Hardly conclusive, Mr. Scott, since Klingons have no tear ducts.
"Yeah, well, Klingons are known for doing this when one of their own dies." Sean said.
(We cut to a clip from the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode from the first season titled "Heart of Glory" as we see Lt. Worf, Korris and Konmel performing the Klingon death ritual after Kunivas dies while Picard and Dr. Crusher witness this)
"But then again, they didn't do it for Chancellor Gorkon after he died. Some Klingons are you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile on Kronos, Kirk and McCoy are on trial for the assassination of Chancellor Gorkon with Chang as the prosecutor and for their defense attorney, they have Colonel Worf, played by Michael Dorn, to represent them. And yes, I am aware that this is Worf's grandfather.
"Chang's the prosecutor? No way that's a coincidence." Brian said.
"Eh, could be worse. They could have the Joker as the judge." Sean said as a picture of the Joker dressed as the judge in Batman: The Animated Series is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) The Federation watch on as the trial ensues with Chang questioning McCoy about the night when Gorkon was assassinated.
General Chang: Was Chancellor Gorkon still alive when you first examined him?
McCoy: Barely.
General Chang: Now be careful, Doctor. Have you ever in your past saved patients as barely alive as he?
"Uh, have you ever watched the show, buddy? Do you know how many Red Shirts get killed and you're asking McCoy that question? That guy does not know the Klingon anatomy." Sean said.
General Chang: And now we come to the architect of this tragic affair... James Tiberius Kirk.
Sean: (V/O as Kirk) Oh, great. Now everyone knows my middle name.
General Chang: What would your favorite author say, Captain? "Let us sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of the death of kings."
"Richard II. Act 3, scene 2." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Chang accuses Kirk of plotting to kill Gorkon as revenge for the death of his son and Kirk denies this charge, but then Chang plays an excerpt from Kirk's personal log about him not trusting Klingons and he'll never forgive them for the death of his son. But the weird thing is how the hell did the Klingons get their hands on what should be a pretty secure and classified audio document? No one on the Enterprise or Starfleet watching this questioned it?
General Chang: Are those your words?
Kirk: Those words were spoken by me.
Colonel Worf: Objection! My client's political views are not on trial.
General Chang: On the contrary! Captain Kirk's views and motives are indeed at the very heart of the matter! This officer's record shows him to be an insubordinate, unprincipled, career-minded opportunist with a history of violating the chain of command whenever it suited him!
"Okay, I have to say this, Christopher Plummer slam dunks this performance." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He just gives it his all in this movie. And we'll see later in the movie to see why he's awesome in that role. I also love this little moment right here when he badgers Kirk.
General Chang: Do you deny being demoted for these charges? (Yells) Don't wait for the translation! Answer me now!
"Okay, I think that Christopher Plummer forgot that he's in Star Trek, not A Few Good Men." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk and McCoy are found guilty and sentences them to life without parole on the penal asteroid of Rura Penthe.
Uhura (Played by Nichelle Nichols): Rura Penthe.
Chekov: Known throughout the galaxy as the alien's graveyard.
Scotty: Better to kill them now and get it over with.
"Yeah, better save that fate for Kirk in the next movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Spock tells Valeris to play back the footage of the torpedo hitting Kronos One and Spock quotes a line from Sherlock Holmes. Yeah, better give Jeremy from CinemaSins one million sins for saying that Spock was quoting Occam's Razor. And Spock deduces that if the Enterprise didn't fire on Kronos One, then someone else did.
Spock: There was an enormous neutron energy surge.
Scotty: Not from us!
Chekov: A neutron surge that big could only be produced by another ship.
Uhura: Kronos One?
Spock: Too far away. Very near us. Possibly beneath us.
Scotty: If there were a ship beneath us, the Klingons would have seen her.
Spock: Would they?
Valeris: A Bird of Prey.
Spock: A Bird of Prey.
(Spock raises his eyebrow and Valeris does the same)
"Well, there you go. You got your Vulcan eyebrow raise for this movie. I hope that you're all satisfied." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Kirk and McCoy arrive on Rura Penthe along with a group of prisoners. Rura Penthe is the Klingon gulag and escaping from the prison is impossible and you have to work in the mines. And how do they treat their prisoners? Well, they just leave them out in the cold and let them die. Geez, I'd rather go to Oz than to be a prisoner on Rura Penthe.
(Kirk bumps into a large alien)
Kirk: Oh, my God.
(The large alien speaks in a different language and we see the subtitles on the screen)
Large Alien: (Subtitles) Nice coat.
Kirk: The universal translator's been confiscated.
Large Alien: (Subtitles) The material feels so soft.
Kirk: I'm sorry.
Large Alien: (Subtitles) Is this cashmere? Can I continue to feel your coat?
McCoy: He's definitely on about something, Jim.
Large Alien: (Subtitles) Wait a minute... (Grabs Kirk and picks him up) You're the guy who directed the shitty Star Trek movie! That film fucking sucked!
Kirk: If this is your spot, we'll move on.
Sean: (Narrating) But before he becomes that large alien's bitch, Kirk is saved by an exotic female inmate named Martia, played by supermodel Iman.
Martia (Played by Iman): This will help keep you warm.
(She hands Kirk her cigar and he smokes it)
Sean: (V/O as Kirk) Hmm, interesting blend. What kind of space weed is it?
(A clip from Leprechaun in the Hood is shown)
Leprechaun (Played by Warwick Davis): A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
Martia: We don't get many presidential assassins.
Kirk: We didn't kill Gorkon.
Martia: Of course not, but there is a reward for your death.
McCoy: It figures.
Kirk: We've been set up all along.
Martia: Somebody up there wants you out of the way.
"I knew it. George Takei wants me dead. He's hated me ever since." Sean said, imitating Kirk.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the Enterprise, Spock and the crew are conducting a search for a pair of gravity boots that the assassins wore but no luck since they've been disposed of by now.
Chekov: Why not simply vaporize them?
(Valeris pulls a phaser out from a weapons locker)
Valeris: Like this?
(Valeris vaporizes a nearby pot and the alarm goes off)
(A clip from an episode of Star Trek is shown)
Spock: Fascinating.
Valeris: As you know, Commander Chekov. no one can fire an unauthorized phaser aboard a starship. Suppose when they returned, they threw the gravity boots into the refuse.
"Ah, and firing an unauthorized phaser aboard a spaceship and vaporizing a pot. How do you explain that?" Sean asked.
Taylor: (V/O offscreen as Valeris) Just to prove my point.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Rura Penthe, Kirk gets into a fight with another alien. Oh, joy. He's been in prison for five minutes and already he's trying to have a reputation by fighting an alien who could kick his old ass while everyone watches.
McCoy: You got him, Jim! You got him where you want him!
(The blue Behemoth Alien throws Kirk and he falls into the fire, screaming in pain)
"Oooh, yikes! Where's stuntman Tom Morga when you need him? Because it look like that shit hurt. And yes, Shatner performed that stunt and that's coming from a 60-year-old man." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Kirk while he falls into the fire) Ow! That hurts! It's okay, I can take it because I'm William Shatner, bitch!
(The blue Behemoth Alien hits Kirk repeatedly on his shoulders, knocking him to the ground. The blue Behemoth Alien gets ready to finish him off, but then Kirk kicks him in the knees and the alien wails in pain while holding his knee before falling to the ground)
We cut back to Sean, who breaks down in laughter from the Behemoth Alien's defeat.
"Just wait for it. Just wait for it." Sean said while laughing.
Martia: They'll respect you now.
Kirk: That's a comfort. I was lucky that thing had knees.
Martia: That was not his knee.
(Kirk looks surprised)
Martia: Not everybody keeps their genitals in the same place, Captain.
(A clip from 3rd Rock From the Sun is shown)
George Takei: Oh, my!
"You know, for a film that has some serious and dark moments in it, it sure tends to lighten things up a bit with some lighthearted humor and this is one of those moments that made me laugh." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The fact that this blue alien has balls on his knees was hilarious but the sound that he made and his reaction is what did it for me. I actually broke down in laughter. Anyway, Kirk and McCoy try to come up with a plan to get out of here but they talk about the future and why Kirk was afraid of change. Then, Martia shows up to tell him that no one has ever escaped from Rura Penthe and she knows how to get outside the shield.
Kirk: How do we fit in?
Martia: Getting outside the shield is easy. But after that, it's up to you to get us off the surface before we freeze. Can you?
Kirk: It's possible.
Martia: I can't make it alone, and you're the likeliest candidate to come in this hellhole for months.
Kirk: Candidate for what?
(Martia kisses Kirk while McCoy reacts knowingly)
"Dang, poor McCoy. Kirk is busy macking on David Bowie's wife and McCoy still hasn't got laid." Sean said.
McCoy: What is it with you, anyway?
Kirk: Still think we're finished?
McCoy: More than ever.
"Hey, Kirk's not finished until he sleeps with every female alien in the galaxy. You still got the Trills and the Bajorans." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sulu is awoken by a cameo from Christian Slater and he tells him that Starfleet wants to know about what's going on with the Enterprise and why haven't they returned yet.
Excelsior Communications Officer (Played by Christian Slater): Apparently, they're refusing to acknowledge signal to return to space dock, sir.
Sulu: Signal Starfleet that we have no idea location Enterprise.
Excelsior Communications Officer: Sir?
Sulu: You have hearing problems, mister?
Excelsior Communications Officer: No, sir.
"Geez, touchy much? I don't need this crap. I was on Heathers." Sean said, imitating Christian Slater.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the Enterprise, the investigation continues as Chekov finds dried remains of Klingon blood on the transporter platform and takes a sample of it to Spock. Then, they search all uniforms on the ship until Valeris comes across a pair of magnetic boots that were in the locker of one of the crewmen, leading to a funny revelation.
Uhura: You are crewman Dax?
Dax (Played by Michael Snyder): Yes, Commander. What is the problem?
Chekov: Perhaps you know Russian epic of "Cinderella"? (Grabs the magnetic boot from off of Dax's locker) If shoe fits, wear it.
(Chekov drops the boot on the floor)
Spock: Mr. Chekov.
(Spock points at the floor, we then see that Dax's feet are shaped differently from a human's feet)
"Still funnier than Star Trek V's humor." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Kirk and McCoy are working on mining duty and meet up with Martia, turns out that she's a shapeshifter and she can change into different bodies. Yeah, kind of like Odo from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (A picture of Odo is shown), but Odo is much cooler. But then again, Martia's been doing the shapeshifter thing before Odo. Hell, she can even shapeshift into a little girl.
(Martia, who shapeshifted into a giant alien, shapeshifts into a little blonde haired girl. She gets out of her shackles and holds it up, winking at Kirk and McCoy)
"If I had a power like that, I would shapeshift into anything." Sean said.
(Sean immediately shapeshifts into Chad Knight)
"Except for that guy!" Sean exclaimed, while disguised as Chad Knight.
(Sean shapeshifts into female pornstar Natalia Starr)
"Don't you dare get any ideas." Sean said, while disguised as Natalia Starr.
(Sean shapeshifts back into his original form)
"That's better. Boy, that would be weird if I did this review with boobs." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They manage to escape as Martia leads Kirk and McCoy out of the range of the magnetic shield and you remember that little patch that Spock placed on Kirk before him and McCoy boarded Kronos One, well it turns out that it was a viridium patch, which will enable him to track him. The Enterprise passes into Klingon space and they get the attention of a Klingon listening post.
Sleepy Klingon: (In Klingonese) This is listening post Morska. What ship is that? …over. Dujveth 'oh nug? Rin. Dujvetlh 'oh nug? Rin.
(Back on the Enterprise)
Chekov: We must respond personally. A universal translator would be recognized.
Sleepy Klingon: Dujetlth 'oh nug? Rin. Dujvetlh 'oh nug? Rin.
Uhura: (In Klingonese) We am thy freighter… Ursva… Six weeks out of… Kronos.
Sleepy Klingon: Nugdaq ghos? Rin.
(Chekov and Uhura look at each other, confused)
"Again, gotta love the lighthearted humor in a serious Star Trek movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They manage to fool the Klingons with the Klingons making a bad joke. Back with Kirk, McCoy and Martia manage to find shelter and keep warm, but then Kirk punches her in the face, realizing that Martia is not who she is. Turns out that Martia is setting Kirk and McCoy up to be killed and in return, she's getting a full pardon. Then, she shapeshifts into Kirk and headbutts McCoy.
Kirk: I can't believe I kissed you.
Martia: (as Kirk) Must have been your lifelong ambition.
(Kirk and Martia fight and the fight music from the original series plays in the background during their fight scene. The fight is stopped by a jackal mastiff, Klingon guards and the warden)
Sean: (Narrating) The warden shows up and vaporizes Martia. Which got me confused. How could you tell which one is which? But then I realized, it's the color of her eyes when she shapeshifts into someone else.
Klingon Commander (Played by W. Morgan Sheppard): No witnesses.
Kirk: Killed while trying to escape.
McCoy: Damn clever, if you ask me.
Kirk: It's a classic.
(A clip from Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery is shown)
Benoit Blanc (Played by Daniel Craig): NO! It's just dumb!
Sean: (Narrating) Warden Lawrence Limburger gets ready to reveal the identity of who wanted Kirk and McCoy killed, but then Spock beams Kirk and McCoy out of there before they could find out.
Kirk: Couldn't you have waited for two seconds? He was just about to explain everything.
Chekov: You want to go back?
McCoy: Absolutely not!
Kirk: It's cold.
"My balls are creeping up into my body. I need a hot shower and a woman." Sean said, imitating Kirk.
Sean: (Narrating) The warden contacts the one person who wants them dead and we see that the man is revealed to General Chang, who learns about their escape as him and his crew pursue the Enterprise in their Bird of Prey. Meanwhile, Spock tells Kirk about the Klingon's new weapon that fired on Gorkon's ship. Scotty also finds the missing uniforms with the Klingon blood on it and find two dead crewmen Burke and Sammo, who were killed by a phaser stun at close range. So, someone on this ship killed the assassins and Kirk has a plan to lure the killer as we see the killer head into sickbay and we see that the killer is revealed to be Valeris.
Spock: You have to shoot. If you are logical, you have to shoot.
Valeris: I do not want to.
Spock: What you want is irrelevant. What you've chosen is at hand.
Kirk: I'd just as soon you didn't.
(Valeris turns to Spock and he violently slaps the phaser out of her hand)
"Don't make him have an emotion." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They interrogate Valeris on the bridge as she's revealed to be one of the conspirators to assassinate Gorkon and she tells them that members of the Klingons and the Federation were conspiring together. She doesn't reveal the names of the conspirators, so Spock does a mind meld to find out.
(Spock mind melds with Valeris)
Spock: Admiral… Cartwright.
(We cut to a black and white image of Admiral Cartwright)
Kirk: Who else?
Spock and Valeris: General… Chang.
(Cut to footage of General Chang beaming aboard the Enterprise)
Kirk: Who else?
Spock and Valeris: Romulan… Ambassador… Nanclus)
(Cut to a still image of Nanclus)
Kirk: Where is the peace conference? Where is the peace conference?
(During the mind meld, we get an overlaid clip of Carrie and Samantha's fight from an episode of Sex and the City)
Carrie Bradshaw (Played by Sarah Jessica Parker): Oh, Jesus! Again with the blowjobs. What is your problem?
Samantha Jones (Played by Kim Catrall): I don't have a problem, you have a problem.
Carrie Bradshaw: I have marabou covered breasts. That is my only problem.
Sean: (V/O as Spock) Oh, my God. That is so not logical. No wonder you're not in the sequel.
(Valeris makes pained screams during the mind meld)
Spock: She does not know.
Scotty: Then we're dead.
Spock: I've been dead before.
"I just want you all to remember that I've died once. I'm not afraid to die again." Sean said, imitating Spock.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk contacts Sulu to know where the peace conference is at since the conspirators are going to do an assassination attempt and Sulu reveals that Camp Khitomer is where the peace conference is at. Not to mention that there's a Klingon Bird of Prey that can fire when cloaked looking for them. Kirk visits Spock and tells him that he couldn't get past the death of his son and that it took Gorkon's death to get him to realize what a complete dick he was towards Klingons.
Spock: Is it possible that we two, you and I, have grown so old and so inflexible that we have outlived our usefulness? Would that constitute… a joke?
"Hey, there are times that we've got to admit to ourselves that we're getting too old for this shit." Sean said.
Sean; (Narrating) As the Enterprise races to Khitomer, we see that the peace conference, but then Chang shows up in his cloaked Bird of Prey and fires at them while quoting Shakespeare.
General Chang: (V/O) Once more unto the breach, dear friends.
"Henry V, Act III, Scene I." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I just have to say this, the Khitomer battle is one of my favorite scenes. You have this Wrath of Khan-type tension to this scene with them trying to take on a new weapon that's unstoppable. Plus, you have General Chang quoting Shakespeare throughout the whole scene. He's just friggin' awesome.
General Chang: Tickle us, do we not laugh? Prick us, do we not bleed? Wrong us… shall we not revenge?
"The Merchant of Venice, Act III, Scene I." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Spock has figured out a way to defeat the cloaked Bird of Prey and since it's engines venting plasma exhaust, Spock and McCoy must modify a photon torpedo to catalog gaseous anomalies as a guidance system. But then Excelsior joins in on the battle, giving Chang something else to shoot at.
General Chang: Ah. The game's afoot, huh?
"Hey, that's Sherlock Holmes, dude." Sean said.
General Chang: Cry havoc! And let slip the dogs of war.
"Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! Julius Caesar, Act 3, Scene I." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Chang continues to cripple the Enterprise and they manage to modify the torpedo, leading to one of the best Star Trek moments ever.
(The Enterprise fires a torpedo, homing in on the cloaked Bird of Prey while Chang and his crew watch)
General Chang: To be… or not… to be?
Sean: (V/O as Chang) Well, if I'm going out like this, I better go out in style while quoting Shakespeare.
(The torpedo lands a direct hit on the Bird of Prey)
Sean: (Narrating) They manage to defeat Chang and then they beam down to Camp Khitomer in which we get a really intense scene where we see Kirk and his crew trying to save the Federation President from being assassinated. Kirk saves the President from being assassinated while some of the conspirators get arrested. Spock shows up with a handcuffed Valeris and when the Klingon sniper tries to shoot at her, Scotty shoots the sniper, causing him to fall to his death and bust his head open.
(Colonel Worf touches the blood puddle with his hand and sees that it's a different color)
Colonel Worf: This is not Klingon blood.
(Cartwright tries to escape, but is stopped by Sulu and his crew)
Sulu: Cartwright, just a minute.
(Colonel Worf unmasks the assassin. The assassin is revealed to be Colonel West)
Chief in Command: It's Colonel West.
"And there you go, you have another player who is a part of this conspiracy. Christ, I love this movie." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk tells Azetbur about the future and that history has not quite ended yet and he delivers this amazing speech.
Kirk: Your father called the future… the undiscovered country. People can be very frightened of change.
(Azetbur turns to a disgraced Valeris)
Azetbur: You've restored my father's faith.
Kirk: And you've restored my son's.
(Everyone in the room applauds before we cut to a clip from Rob Cantor's "Shia LaBeouf" music video with Shia LaBeouf applauding)
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! The day is saved and there is peace between the Federation and the Klingons, Kirk and their crew say their goodbyes to Sulu and the crew of the Excelsior and Uhura tells Kirk that they've received an order from Starfleet to return Enterprise to space dock immediately for Enterprise to be decommissioned.
Spock: If I were human, I believe my response would be… go to hell.
(Kirk looks at Spock, surprised)
Spock: If I were human.
"Or you can say the other three little words, but you can't say it since it's a PG movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk decides to take the ship for one last cruise and the film ends with the autographs from the cast as a big thank you for joining them for this final voyage.
"And that was Star Trek VI and what an epic swan song it is." Sean said.
(As clips are shown once more, Sean gives his final thoughts)
Sean: (Narrating) While The Next Generation was in it's early years, this one marked the official end to the original crew of the Enterprise. Yes, it was sad to say goodbye to these beloved characters, wrapping up the story of these characters perfectly and ended the decades-long journey on a high note. The cast and crew put their all into this movie. Now, is this movie better than The Wrath of Khan? Well, I can tell you this, The Wrath of Khan and The Undiscovered Country are both excellent films. I love the mystery aspect, the suspense, some of it's light-hearted humor, the music, the visual effects, the writing and the acting. I love how this movie has a more serious tone, dealing with it's political undertones and themes of assassination. I love The Wrath of Khan but as different as this film was, this was still Star Trek at it's heart. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country comes in at 5 cloaked Bird of Preys out of 5.
"Now, since I've got all of the films featuring the original cast covered. I wonder what's left for me to talk about. Maybe an episode of Star Trek? I mean there's a lot of good episodes for me to talk about but I'm sure that there's no sucky episode to talk about." Sean said. "If I only had a brain."
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Not everybody keeps their genitals in the same place, Captain.
And that is all for the Star Trek films that I've covered for The Mayhem Critic. Whew! Boy, what a wait for me to finish this review. Sorry about the wait, I've been pretty busy with work and also I've been watching The Last of Us on HBO Max, by the way, it's an awesome show. If you love the games, then check it out. Next time, Sean finishes up Star Trek Month as he takes a look at the worst episode of the third season of Star Trek: The Original Series. After that, the next review will be the 1997 action movie Air Force One as Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at it. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you have any requests for a movie for me to review, then let me know in the comments or PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.