The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. First off, I am back after a long break and a happy April to you all. Sorry for the long wait, I had some issues with my laptop, but don't worry, I've got it all worked out and it is running perfectly and now it's update time and a hilarious new review. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes on Joel Schumacher once more when he takes a look at one of the strangest and campy Batman movie ever, that he strangely enjoys. And that movie is Batman Forever. Is this the Batman movie worth watching? We'll find out today. Sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Batman Forever is owned by Warner Bros. Pictures and DC Comics.
Episode 171
Batman Forever
(The episode opens with a shot of Warner Bros. Studios. We see the caption "1994" appear on screen before cutting to Sean, who's playing as director Tim Burton, Brian playing the Warner Bros. executive and Taylor who's also playing another Warner Bros. executive)
"Okay, Tim. You know why we called you in here today, right?" Brian asked.
"Yes, I do." Sean said.
"First off, let's talk about the Batman movies. The first one made a ton of money and fans loved it. And then there's Batman Returns. We have some problems about it." Taylor said.
"Problems? What kind of problems?" Sean asked.
"Well, it's about the movie, Tim. Even though the movie was a financial success and it got some great reviews from critics, there's something a little off about it." Brian said.
"What is it?" Sean asked.
"The movie made $150 million less than the first film. Not only that, parents are complaining about it by calling it too dark and inappropriate for children. It's bad enough that McDonald's recalled their Happy Meal tie-in for the movie. And not only that, a kid complained about the movie on A Closer Look. A kid!" Taylor exclaimed.
"Are you kidding me? Have they not seen the first film? That one was dark as well. It's not my fault that their children can't handle that stuff." Sean said.
"Which means we have to do something very difficult. We want you to step down as director for the third Batman movie." Brian said.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Step down? You're asking me to step down as director for the third film? You know this won't bode well for Michael Keaton. If I step down as director, then he won't play Batman." Sean said.
"I know this is very difficult. But you can still be involved with the movie. How about you produce the movie?" Taylor asked.
"You want me to be the producer? Wait a minute. If I'm the producer for the third Batman movie, then who the hell is going to direct the movie?" Sean asked.
Suddenly, we see a man dressed in a green Riddler-esque suit, but with the letter M all over it instead of question marks.
"How about me?" The man asked as he entered the office and approached the desk.
Sean's eyes widened in shock after he sees the director entering the office. The director was revealed to by Joel Schumacher, and he is played by Dave.
"Hello, Tim." Dave said.
"Schumacher? You hired Joel Schumacher to direct this movie?" Sean asked as he points to Dave. "What's he going to bring to the table?"
"Well, we don't want this movie to be dark and violent for the kiddies. I'm here to make it more kid-friendly and colorful." Dave said.
"No way. That's gonna happen, Joel! That's not gonna happen!" Sean exclaimed as he impersonates Ridge Forrester from The Bold and the Beautiful.
"I know that you're upset about it, but I'm just giving the kids what they want." Dave said.
"His style is going to ruin the movie. You better get somebody else to direct it." Sean said.
"We've made our decision. Joel, you'll direct Batman Forever. And Tim, you'll be the producer." Brian said.
"You all just doomed Batman. You doomed him!" Sean yelled out.
(We then cut to the Mayhem Critic intro. This time, it's a new intro with various clips from some of his reviews while the song "Everybody Wants To Rule the World" by Tears For Fears plays in the background. After the intro ends, we then cut to Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room as he begins his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Today, let's talk about this guy." Sean said as a picture of director Joel Schumacher pops up in front of him. "Yes, him. I'm going to be talking about Joel Schumacher."
(Various pictures of Joel Schumacher is shown in a montage)
Sean: (Narrating) It's been three years since the passing of Joel Schumacher, I haven't paid tribute to him after his death. Yes, I made him a human punching bag when I reviewed Batman & Robin a couple of years ago. Look, even though he was the butt of all jokes for directing the movie, he seems like the most kindest, gentle human being ever.
(Footage of some of Schumacher's better films are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from directing Batman & Robin, Schumacher has directed some pretty good movies in his career with films like St. Elmo's Fire, Flatliners, The Lost Boys, Falling Down, The Client and A Time to Kill. Those were some of his better films that I've enjoyed.
"But let's not forget about the time that he briefly saved Batman. Yes, I said. He briefly saved Batman. Which leads to today's review and I think it's about time that I review this movie. Batman Forever." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Batman Forever" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me" by U2 plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on June 16, 1995, Batman Forever is the third film in the Batman film franchise. After the release of Tim Burton's Batman Returns, the film didn't quite deliver what the studio wanted. It was too dark and brooding and many parents complained about it and all that stuff that I mentioned before when I reviewed the movie last year. The studio pushed director Tim Burton into a producing role and they hired director Joel Schumacher. And what Schumacher gave us was a lighthearted and marketable movie. The movie got mixed reviews from critic but it was a box office success. Sure it can be campy and goofy at times, but I really enjoyed this film. Hell, it's much better than Batman & Robin, I can tell you that. I'm going to take a look at the film to see if it's worth watching or see if it's a giant pile of bat-guano like... that one movie that I'm not going to mention again because I'm pretty sure that you're all sick and tired of me talking about it, so I'll spare you the torture.
"Let's take a look at Batman Forever... also known as The Beginning of the End." Sean said.
(The movie opens with the Warner Bros. logo that turns into the bat symbol, followed by the main actors' names flying in the black space)
Sean: (Narrating) We open with the Warner Bros. logo morphing into the bat symbol, and then we see some of the big names in this movie flying and when I see that, it feels like I'm being assaulted by them.
(We see Val Kilmer's name fly past, then zooms by to the left as a punching sound effect plays before cutting back to Sean as he acts like he getting beaten up. Then, Tommy Lee Jones' name fly past as well before zooming to the right and we cut back to Sean acting like he's getting beaten up again. The same goes for Jim Carrey and Nicole Kidman's names and Sean getting hit repeatedly)
"Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Mud." Sean said in a dazed state before collapsing to the floor.
Sean: (Narrating) We see Batman, this time played by Val Kilmer, as we see him suiting up for action and getting ready to ride off in his Batmobile that is way to flashy. Hell, the Batmobile in the Tim Burton movies wasn't that flashy. And then we get our opening line for the movie.
Alfred (Played by Michael Gough): Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?
Batman (Played by Val Kilmer): I'll get drive-through.
"And there you go. You got yourself a McDonald's ad." Sean said.
(Cut to the McDonald's Superhero Burger commercial promoting Batman Forever from 1995)
Alfred: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?
Batman: I'll get drive-through.
Announcer: Introducing McDonald's Superhero Burger. Tomatoes, crisp lettuce, the great taste of two cheeses melted over three beef patties on a superhero bun.
"And while you're at it, buy yourself one of the collectible Batman Forever glass mugs for only 99 cents." Sean said as a picture of the glass mug with Batman carved on it pops up next to him.
(The City of Gotham is shown and then we're shown ex-district attorney Havey Dent, a.k.a. Two-Face, holding a bank guard as a hostage in a bank vault)
Sean: (Narrating) Batman drives to the Second Bank of Gotham in way to colorful Gotham City that looks like it's celebrating Chinese New Year as a criminal named Two-Face played by Tommy Lee Jones, is holding this bank guard, played by Joe Grifasi respectively, hostage. You know, it's funny that Harvey Dent was a black guy in the first film and suddenly he's a white guy.
"Well, at least we have Billy Dee Williams voicing Two-Face in The Lego Batman Movie." Sean said as a picture of Two-Face is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Two-Face juggles his split personality of a district attorney and being a goofball.
(Clips of Two-Face making various sounds and noises is shown in a montage)
"God, can he be more cartoony in this movie?" Sean asked.
Two-Face (Played by Tommy Lee Jones): Luck! Blind, stupid, simple, doo-dah, clueless luck! (Chuckles)
"Boy, I wonder how acid turned one half of his face into Ivan Ooze." Sean said.
Two-Face: The random toss. (Flips his coin) The only true justice. Let's see what justice has in store for you. (Chuckles)
Sean: (Narrating) And as you probably know by now, Two-Face flips his coin often to decide someone's fate.
Two-Face: (After he sees that the coin is on the head side) Fortune smiles. Another day of wine and roses. Or, in your case, beer and pizza. Hah! (Points to the vault) Out of here, guys!
(Two-Face's goons carries the guard into the vault as a trap for Batman)
Bank Guard (Played by Joe Grifasi): B-but you said you'd let me live!
Two-Face: True, true and so you shall.
Sean: (V/O as Two-Face) Don't worry, I'll kill ya later. I'm a district attorney. It's what I do.
(We then see Batman jumps the crowd to greet Comissioner Gordon and meet Dr. Chase Meridian)
Sean: (Narrating) Batman arrives on the scene to meet up with Comissioner Gordon and he meets Dr. Chase Meridian, played by Nicole Kidman.
Dr. Chase Meridian (Played by Nicole Kidman): Hot entrance.
"Well, aren't you a dedicated professional. She sees a guy dressed as a bat swooping in and she immediately has the hots for him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Meridian specializes in abnormal psychology, multiple personalities and in her spare time, she tries to hit on Batman. Anyway, Comissioner Gordon is trying to figure out how to save the hostages, but Batman has other things on his mind, like convincing a hot psychiatrist that bats aren't rodents.
Dr. Chase Meridian: I could write a hell of a paper on a grown man who dresses like a flying rodent.
(Batman walks close to Dr. Meridian)
Batman: Bats aren't rodents, Dr. Meridian.
"I take full offense of that remark." Sean said, impersonating Batman.
Two-Face: Let's start this party with a bang!
(A wrecking ball breaks through the wall)
"Oh, I'm pretty sure that Dr. Meridian sure did." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Two-Face has his goons surround the elevator to wait for Batman and they start shooting at it to kill him. Nice job, you guys. You've just wasted your bullets on an elevator that doesn't contain someone in it. But then Batman pops up and start beating the crap out of his men in a pretty decent action scene.
(One of Two-Face's goons grab Batman while the other goon goes for his gun. Batman whips out his shocker gun and shoots at the thug. The thug makes a really weird cartoonish sound while being shocked)
"What the hell? Suddenly, shocking people can turn them into Roger Rabbit." Sean said.
(Cut back to the shocked thug, this time with Roger Rabbit's noise replacing the cartoonish sound. During the fight, a goon pops up with blades on his wrists as Batman turns around with his mouth hanging open)
We then cut back to Sean as he starts to laugh from seeing Batman's mouth hanging open.
"Oh, God bless Val Kilmer. The only thing that his Batman contributes in this movie is having his mouth hanging open." Sean said.
(Cut to a montage of clips of Batman with his mouth hanging open while "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal plays in the backgound)
Sean: (Narrating) Batman dispatches the guard and heads down to the vault to save the bank guard, only for him to tell him that...
Bank Guard: It's a trap!
(The vault door closes behind him and locks up)
"Well, so much for me to play that Admiral Ackbar clip. Thanks a lot, dude." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Two-Face lifts the vault into the air with a friggin' helicopter and fills it with acid so he can kill Batman and to rain down on the people of Gotham. But, Batman has his way of getting out of simple death traps like that as he takes the guard's hearing aid and uses it to unlock the vault door to make their escape. And he uses his grappling hook to break through a cement wall.
"Apparently, the grappling hook is strong enough to break through a cement wall. What kind of cement are they using? The Acme brand?" Sean asked as a cement bag is shown with the caption "Acme Concrete".
(Batman attaches the hook onto the chain and pulls out a metal cutter)
Batman: Hang on.
Bank Guard: Hang on?
(Batman cuts the chain and makes the vault slide back inside the bank with the guard still on it)
Sean: (Narrating) Batman is hanging on to a chain while Two-Face is flying the helicopter and he flies through a giant eye billboard to kill him. But Batman isn't easy to get rid of as he uses his cape to cover the windshield.
(Two-Face sees Batman's cape covering the windshield)
Two-Face: Gaa!
Helicopter Thug: No!
(Two-Face starts shooting at the window as Batman moves out of the way in the nick of time while the thug gets shot at)
"Some villian you are. You just shot the pilot. Now who's going to fly the plane now?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Two-Face flies the helicopter towards... the Statue of Libery with the word "Gotham" on Lady Liberty's crown. And both Two-Face and Batman jump out of the helicopter right before it crashes.
(Batman is shown floating up in the water in slow motion)
"Okay, so we got a pointless Schumacher slo-mo shot. Do I need to make a counter for these things during this review because I can't keep count on how many I come across." Sean said.
(A news broadcast is going on while the camera is floating over Gotham, which is clearly CG-rendered)
Female Reporter: (V/O) Despite a valiant effort last night by Batman, Harvey Two-Face is still at large and extremely dangerous.
"Previously on Batman: The Animated Series." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the best damn part of the movie, a lowly worker at Wayne Enterprises by the name of Edward Nygma, played by Jim Carrey. And yes, Jim Carrey is the best part about Batman Forever and his performance as The Riddler is my favorite. You can see that in his films like The Mask, Dumb & Dumber and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, he brings in like 85 or 90% of his performance, but this one he goes full on 95% wacky in his performance.
Edward Nygma (Played by Jim Carrey): (After he sees Bruce Wayne) Oh, my God, it's him! I am a winner. I am a winner. I am a winner. I am a winner.
"Yeah, Jim Carrey was really popular at the time, so I'm thinking Schumacher casted him in this role because he saw him in three of his movies and thought he would be perfect as The Riddler." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Nygma meets Bruce and he is obsessed with the man and we see that he's created a device which is a helmet with a blender and an egg beater fused to it. Anyway, this device that he's created beams TV signals directly into the human brain. In other words, manipulating brain waves.
Bruce Wayne: (Takes his glasses off) Did you say manipulating brain waves?
Edward Nygma: Well, I... (Panting) Yes.
Bruce Wayne: Hmm.
"Have you ever noticed that Bruce Wayne wears glasses every time? He wears them in Batman, Batman Returns and Batman Forever. Hell, we do see him in glasses in Batman & Robin. Is he trying to steal Clark Kent's look?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce sees the Bat-Signal in the sky, which means it's time for him to get on out of here, but before he does this he has to break the bad news to Nygma.
Bruce Wayne: I'm sorry, Ed. Then the answer is no. Tampering with people's brain waves, mind manipulation, it just raises too many questions.
"Watch this, guys. You can actually pinpoint the seconf when his heart rips in half." Sean said as he clicks on the remote to back the frames up as we see Nygma's reaction. "And... now!"
(We see Bruce in his office as he walks over to his desk and sits in his chair)
Bruce Wayne: Chair.
(The hatch below opens up, the seat lowers and Bruce slides down in a pod to the Batcave)
"How the hell did Bruce Wayne get the money for this thing to be installed at Wayne Enterprises and nobody in his company knows about it? That would've bankrupt the company. Second: did Alfred build it for him? And third, what if somebody sits in the chair? Does he really see no problem rising with that setup?" Sean asked.
Bruce Wayne: It just raises too many questions.
"No shit, Sherlock!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman arrives at the scene, but it turns out that the call came from Dr. Meridian.
(Dr. Meridian walks out of the shadows, wearing a skimpy nightie and a long silk robe in an attempt to seduce Batman)
Batman: Comissioner Gordon.
Dr. Chase Meridian: He's at home. I sent the signal.
"Well, helloooooooo nurse! Looks like somebody is definitely sending some signals right now." Sean said with a naughty smirk on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) She tells Batman that there's something about Two-Face that she noticed, which is his coin and that's his Achilles' heel and it can be exploited. Batman knows about this and he tells the horny doctor that the Bat-Signal is not a beeper. And then we partake in One-Liner-Piece Theater.
(The Masterpiece Theater theme starts playing in the background)
Dr. Chase Meridian: I wish I could say that my interest in you was... purely professional.
Batman: Are you trying to get under my cape, Doctor?
Dr. Chase Meridian: A girl can't live by psychoses alone.
Batman: It's the car, right? Chicks love the car.
"Well, there's your opening line for the next Batman film." Sean said.
(Dr. Meridian rubs Batman's chest and sighs)
Dr. Chase Meridian: Black rubber.
"Oooh, I'm telling Keith!" Sean exclaimed as he points directly at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Chase gets her hands on Batsy's Bat-boner, Comissioner Gordon shows up in his pajamas and Bat-blocks them.
Comissioner Gordon (Played by Pat Hingle): I saw the signal. What's going on?
Batman: Nothing.
(Chase clears her throat)
Batman: False alarm.
Dr. Chase Meridian: Are you sure?
"Okay, I would love to pay good money just to see Comissioner Gordon fight crime in his pajamas, because that would be a better movie." Sean said.
(Batman runs and jumps off of the roof as Dr. Meridian watches him gliding down to the street. He then glides down into his Batmobile and lands in the seat)
Batman: Women.
(A clip from Cheers is shown)
Norm Peterson (Played by George Wendt): You can't live with them... pass the beer nuts.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Wayne Enterprises, Edward is still smarting from Bruce saying no to his device. But his boss supervisor Fred Stickley, played by Ed Begley Jr., finds him working on his invention and he tries to contact security until Nygma knocks him out and ties him up into a chair and he demonstrates his invention's powers on him.
Fred Stickley (Played by Ed Begley Jr.): Nygma, you touch that switch...
Edward Nygma: Which one... this?
(Nygma turns the device on, and the image of two fish on the screen switches to three-dimensional, much to Stickley's awe and Nygma's joy until he sees that he's losing resolution)
Edward Nygma: Losing resolution. More power.
(Nygma cranks up the power as a green light hits directly at Fred's helmet and his helmet as well while Nygma does a comedic, over-the-top scream)
"And this scene gives Jim Carrey to be as goofy as he can be." Sean said.
(A fisherman pops out of the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, Robert Rodriguez ain't got shit on him. This is the best three-dimensional entertainment that I've seen in years. But enough about that just give me more of Jim Carrey's goofiness.
Edward Nygma: Riddle me this, Fred. What is everything to someone and nothing to everyone else? Your mind, baby! And now mine pumps with the power of yours! (Sings) I'm suckin' up your IQ. Vacuuming the cortex. Feedin' off your brain!
(Nygma starts dancing)
(Cut to a clip from Girl Meets World. To be specific, we're shown the clip from the episode Girl Meets True Maya, with Riley breaking down in laughter)
Sean: (Narrating) After he steals Stickley's brain waves, Stickley threatens Nygma to go to the authorities after he fired him, but Edward decides to kill him by dropping him out of a window and into the resevoir. We then cut to the most cinematic news report showing Harvey Dent having acid thrown in his face by mobster Sal Moroni in the courtroom.
(A GNN channel report about how Harvey Dent became Two-Face is shown as we see mob boss Sal Moroni throwing a flask of acid at Dent, then Batman jumps in to try to save Dent, but it was too late and Dent is left severely injured)
Female Newscaster: (V/O) Harvey Dent, once Gotham's district attorney, was horribly scarred by underworld kingpin boss Moroni. Although Batman tried to save him, Dent's left brain damage transformed him into a violent criminal...
"Well there you go, you have the courtroom scene from The Long Halloween Part II explained to you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, shouldn't Dent get revenge on Sal Moroni for throwing the acid in his face instead of Batman? I mean, he did try to save his life. And why was Batman in the courtroom? Was he trying to testify against someone or did he just magically appear in the courtroom?
Bruce Wayne: It just raises too many questions.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce gets a call from Comissioner Gordon regarding Stickley's death and he heads down to Wayne Enterprises and we get to see Edward trying to win an Oscar.
Edward Nygma: (Crying) Why? Oh, why? I just can't believe it. Two years working in the same office. He was like my father... my brother... or a cousin that visits all the time!
Executive (Played by Michael Paul Chan): Get a grip, Edward.
Edward Nygma: (Pulls out an envelope) I found this in my cubicle. You'll find the handwriting matches his exactly as does sentence structure and spelling. (Starts to cry again)
(We see the caption "Oscar Clip" on screen)
Sean: (Narrating) We then see the security footage revealing that Stickley seems to have jumped to his death and Bruce is given his suicide note and gives it to Comissioner Gordon.
Comissioner Gordon: Yep. Definitely suicide.
"Wow, some comissioner you are." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce is given a riddle in his office and then we cut to Edward's apartment and man, does Wayne Enterprises send out shitty paychecks, and Nygma sends more threatening riddles to Wayne Manor. So Bruce takes one of the riddles to Dr. Meridian to get her professional opinion on this. As he arrives, Bruce hears threatening sounds coming from her office, so he just breaks the door down, only to find her doing her usual exercise routine.
Bruce Wayne: I... guess I'm early. I have an appointment. I'm Bruce Wayne.
Dr. Chase Meridian: Good. You can afford to buy me a new door.
Bruce Wayne: I- I'm sorry. I...
"Real smooth, Huckleberry." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He shows Dr. Meridian the riddle and she gives him her expert advice.
Dr. Chase Meridian: My opinion is this letter writer is a total wacko.
Bruce Wayne: Wacko.
"Wakko? Are you guys talking about Wakko Warner?" Sean asked as a picture of Wakko from Animaniacs is shown.
Dr. Chase Meridian: He's obsessed with you. His only escape may be to purge the fixation.
Bruce Wayne: To kill me.
Sean: (V/O as Bruce) Or for me to be his Huckleberry.
Bruce Wayne: (Notices a bat painting on the wall) You have a thing for bats?
Dr. Chase Meridian: I think the question would be do you have a thing for bats?
"No, I have a think for hot psychiatrists who have a thing for bats." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Bruce and Chase hit it off and...
Bruce Wayne: I've got to get you out of those clothes.
(The sound of a record being scratched is heard)
Dr. Chase Meridian: Excuse me?
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch it now, this is a family picture." Sean said.
"Uh, dude. This movie is rated PG-13, not PG." Brian said.
"Oh, yeah. It is PG-13. And yet, kids watch it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, he takes Chase to the Gotham Charity Circus... the wildest circus ever. Where we see a ringmaster who looks like Ben Stiller is introducing the next act for the night, which is the Flying Graysons and we're introduced to the youngest member of the family Dick Grayson, played by Chris O'Donnell.
"Yeah, I can totally believe that he's a teenager. The dude is 25-years-old! You couldn't get somebody younger?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We get another slo-mo shot of the Flying Graysons and another slo-mo shot of a flying Dick in the air...
"Yes, I said it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Two-Face crashes the show and Edward watches it from the TV and he is amazed by it. Two-Face arms a bomb and he demands that he wants Batman dead and then all hell breaks loose.
Bruce Wayne: (Stands up) Harvey! I'm Batman!
"Right, just yell out that you're Batman amidst the screaming going on. Plus, not to mention Dr. Meridian is sitting right next to you. Idiot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce beats up on some of Two-Face's thugs while Dick tries to go after the bomb. But then Two-Face flips a coin, which land on tails and you know what that means.
(Two-Face picks up a machine gun and shoots up the wires the Dick's family were climbing on. The wires break as the Graysons fall to their death while everyone watches in horror)
"And this turns into murder under the big top. Hell, I say Robin's origin story in Batman: The Animated Series was way better than this one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dick manages to get rid of the bomb, insert Adam West Batman joke here, but he finds that his parents and his brother are dead. The next day, Bruce takes his devastated Dick in as a foster son. But, he's not insterested in staying at Wayne Manor, he's interested in one thing, look for Two-Face and kill him.
Bruce Wayne: Killing Two-Face won't take the pain away. It'll make it worse.
Dick Grayson (Played by Chris O'Donnell): Look, spare me the sermon, all right, Bruce? I don't need your advice and I don't want your charity.
"Come on, dude. You're talking to a man who killed The Joker after he found out that he killed his parents and look at how he turned out. He turned out perfectly fine." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Bruce takes his Dick to his garage to put gas in his bike, but then Dick is amazed at how many bikes Bruce has owned, so Dick has a change of heart and stays. Meanwhile, Bruce has a flashback to the night that his parents were murdered. Yeah, how many times are we going to see that in a Batman movie, we already know how Batman begins.
Bruce Wayne: Just like my parents. It's happening again. The monster comes out of the night. A scream, two shots. I killed them.
Alfred: What did you say?
Bruce Wayne: He killed them. Two-Face. He slaughtered that boy's parents.
Alfred: No. No, you said "I". "I killed them."
"Yeah, you didn't kill them. Plus, I don't think that Two-Face would be asking them if they ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce sees the Bat-Signal and head to the crime that we'll never see while Alfred tends to Bruce's Dick.
"Shut up." Sean said as he points to the camera.
(Alfred picks up Dick's helmet and looks at it)
Alfred: Is this a robin?
Dick Grayson: My brother's wire broke once. I, uh, swung out and grabbed him. My father said I was his hero. I flew in like a robin. Some hero I turned out to be.
Alfred: Ah, but your father was right. You are a hero, I can tell.
"Yeah, just don't be like Damien Wayne. Seriously, fuck that kid." Sean said.
(We cut to Batman driving through the streets of Gotham City in his Batmobile until he spots Two-Face's goons following him. As he's driving, Batman comes across a woman with a carriage, but it turns out to be a disguised Two-Face armed with a bazooka)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Batman is ambushed by Two-Face and he tries to kill him yet again. Also, I just like to point out the use of the dutch angle shot in various scenes in the movie. I guess cinematographer Stephen Goldblatt just felt like paying homage to the 1960s Batman because of it's use of dutch angle shots. And I'm okay with that. So during the chase scene, Batman gets away from Two-Face and his goons by doing this.
(Batman drives down an alley. He then fires a grappling hook from out of the Batmobile, and it is sent driving up the wall of a building)
"How?! How is that even possible for the Batmobile to be driving up walls?" Sean asked.
Bruce Wayne: It just raises too many questions.
Sean: (Narrating) Two-Face goes back to his hideout and he his mad that Batman has escaped from him yet again, but his respective assistants Sugar played by Drew Barrymore and Spice played by Debi Mazar, try to cheer him up.
Sugar (Played by Drew Barrymore): I made your favorite tonight- sparkling champagne and yummy poached salmon with little itty-bitty quail eggs and a creamy, dreamy lemon souffle.
Spice (Played by Debi Mazar): No, I made your favorite... a charred heart of black boar, a side of raw donkey meat, and a sterno and grain alcohol, straight up, baby! (Cackles)
"Nope. Nope. I'm not going to poke fun of Drew Barrymore's drug and alcohol addiction. I have tons of respect for her. She's been sober for four years. Me and everyone at The Mayhem Critic are proud of her. And to those of you who want me to make fun of Drew Barrymore, you can all go fuck yourselves." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Nygma arrives at Two-Face's split lair and he just waltzes in. This time, he is now called The Riddler. He then gives Two-Face a proposition, he can help him kill Batman if he let's him live.
The Riddler: There's a challenge. Kill the Bat! Sounds like a good idea. But have you thought it through? A few bullets, a quick splash of blood, and then what? Wet hands and... post homicidal depression. (Whimpers)
"Fun fact: Tommy Lee Jones disliked working with Jim Carrey because he was stealing his thunder. Not to mention that he told him that he hated him to his face and that he cannot sanction his buffoonery. Hell, I cannot sanction Tommy Lee Jones' buffoonery in this movie!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Riddler tells Two-Face that he'll help him get Batman, he'll help him steal enough jewlery and money to fund his invention and to find out the identity of Batman. So, we get a montage of Two-Face and Riddler robbing jewelery stores and casinos and even though Tommy Lee Jones dislikes working with Jim Carrey, he's having way too much fun on this scene. I get a good laugh every time when I see Two-Face teaching him how to punch a guy.
The Riddler: (Gets ready to punch the guard) Ball up the fist. Reach way back. Assert yourself.
(Riddler punches the guard in the face, which has no effect on him)
The Riddler: Ow!
"Yeah, that scene was worth watching." Sean chuckled a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) While Bruce gets another riddle sent to him and solves it, Edward Nygma presents his newest invention that he calls "The Box" to the public as various Gothamites start buying, which affects them and they have their brainwaves sent to him. Back at Wayne Manor, Alfred checks to see if it is safe to go inside the Batcave, but his Dick decides to go check it out.
Dick Grayson: Now!
(As the door closes itself, Dick jumps into action by climbing on the chandelier and the walls to the entrance)
"Isn't that a tad bit much, buddy?" Sean asked.
(Dick then swings from a lamp and slips in front of the door, sliding down the stairs into the Batcave. As he enters, the alarm goes off and everything in the Batcave turns on, along with the Batmobile rising up)
Computer Voice: Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Intruder alert!
"Nice security system you got there, Bruce. I'm pretty sure that'll scare people off from entering the Batcave. Man, can you imagine me having a security system in my home?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean and Brian playing as two bumbling burglars sneaking into Sean's house)
Sean: (as Burglar #1) This is the house, Marv. I'm pretty sure that this house has tons of good stuff.
(A loud voice on loudspeakers (Dave) suddenly starts speaking "Intruder Alert" over and over)
Brian: (as Burglar #2) It's the voice! What do we do, Harry?
Sean: Don't worry, Marv. I'll think of something. I just don't know what to take.
(Brian notices some of the neighbors stepping out of their homes)
Brian: Oh, no. We're spotted by the neighbors.
Sean: Quick! Take the PS5!
Brian: Nah, he might play it.
Sean: He has a whole bunch of movies. Let's grab a sandwich and put on Karate Kid Part II.
Brian: That'll just be rude.
Sean: Yeah, you're right. Let's get out of here.
(They leave and the cutaway gag ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Bruce is at Dr. Meridian's apartment and she gives him a doll that dispells bad dreams and he delivers this little pickup line.
Bruce Wayne: (To Chase) My parents were murdered in front of me when I was just a kid.
"Oh... that's interesting to know... are we still going out to eat? Because I am dying for a Pub Platter at Chandler's." Sean said, imitating Chase.
(Bruce notices some magazines and newspapers on Chase's table with photos of Batman on them)
Bruce Wayne: Maybe I ought to leace you two alone. This goes way beyond taking your work home, doesn't it, doctor?
Sean then scoffs. "Really, dude. You see yourself on the cover of Time Magazine smiling for the camera and you have the ego about the size of Mt. Everest. Was the photographer trying to get your good side?"
Sean: (Narrating) But before Bruce and Dr. Meridian kiss, Bruce is interrupted by Alfred who tells him that his Dick has run off.
Alfred: (On Bruce's communicator) I have some rather distressing news about Master Dick.
Bruce Wayne: Is he all right?
Alfred: I'm afraid Master Dick has, uh... gone travelling.
Bruce Wayne: He ran away?
Alfred: Actually, he took the car.
Bruce Wayne: He boosted the Jag?
Alfred: Not the Jaguar. The other car.
Bruce Wayne: The Bentley?
Alfred: No, sir. The other car.
(Bruce realizes that Dick has taken the Batmobile while the song "Smash It Up" by The Offspring plays in the background)
"Oh, shit. He took K.I.T.T. out on a joyride. I'm about to go kick his ass if he totals it." Sean said, imitating Bruce.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, Dick has gone joyriding in the Batmobile. Are you out of your mind, dude?! You take the Batmobile out for a joyride! It's like taking the DeLorean out for a joyride. Just who do you think you are, Drew Carey?
Girl on Corner #1 (Played by Maxine Jones): Now, wait a minute! That's not Batman.
Dick Grayson: What are you talking about?
Girl on Corner #2 (Played by Terry Ellis): That's Batboy!
"Hey, I am Batman. Actually, I'm a circus kid pretending to be Batman. I'm just driving around just to pick up chicks." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Dick sees future Soap Opera star Rebecca Budig, being hassled by the Neon Skullhead Gang led by martial artist Don "The Dragon" Wilson.
Gang Leader (Played by Don "The Dragon" Wilson): Who the hell are you
Dick Grayson: I'm Batman.
(The gang start laughing)
Dick Grayson: Hey, so I forgot my suit, all right?
"Riiiiiiight, and I'm Natalia Dyer." Sean said in a sarcastic tone as a picture of actress Natalia Dyer is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) But the leader of the Neon Skullhead Gang gets some of his boys to beat up on Dick, but Dick manages to beat them up. Also, it's not every day that you see the actor from the Bloodfist movies getting his ass whooped by Chris O'Donnell.
Dick Grayson: Come on, run!
Teenage Girl (Played by Rebecca Budig): Wait. Doesn't Batman ever kiss the girl?
(Dick kisses the girl)
"Well, I guess you could say that she definitely gave her Dick a kiss." Sean said.
Suddenly, someone throws a Batarang at Sean, which hits him in the head as he yells out in pain.
"Son of a bitch! Ow!" Sean exclaimed after he touches his head.
Sean: (Narrating) But there's a price to pay when you get into the superhero gig... you have people just wanting to beat the everloving shit out of you. Just as Dick is about to get overwhealmed, Batman shows up to scare off the gang and saves him, only for his Dick to start beating on him.
(Dick is pissed off at Batman for not revealing himself at the circus and hits him, but Batman blocks it)
Dick Grayson: Bastard! It should've been you! It's your fault! If you'd told Two-Face when you were at the circus, they'd still be alive!
(Batman takes Dick's fist)
Batman: If Bruce Wayne could've given his life for your family, he would have.
"You tell Bruce I ought to kick his ass." Sean said, imitating Dick.
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce takes his Dick back to the Batcave to wipe the sweat off of himself after that night of fighting crime, and tells the youngest Grayson that he doesn't know dick about getting revenge.
Bruce Wayne: So you're willing to take a life.
Dick Grayson: Long as it's Two-Face.
Bruce Wayne: Then it will happen this way. You make the kill. But your pain doesn't die with Harvey. It grows. So you run out into the night to find another face, and another, and another... until one terrible morning, you wake up and realize that revenge has become your whole life. And you won't know why.
"Yeah, Dick. Listen to the man who kills people. I'm sure he's getting through to you." Sean said.
Dick Grayson: You don't understand. Your family wasn't killed by a maniac.
Sean: (V/O as Bruce) Uh, yeah they were.
Dick Grayson: Look, Bruce, I'm part of this whether you like it or not.
"What are you gonna do, replace me with Brenton Thwaites?" Sean asked, imitating Dick as a picture of Brenton Thwaites as Nightwing from the show Titans is shown.
(A clip from Titans is shown)
Nightwing (Played by Brenton Thwaites): Fuck Batman.
(We cut to a Nygmatech business party being held at Ritz Gotham that Bruce, Chase and Dick are attending and the new and improved Box is soon to be revealed)
Sean: (Narrating) We then see everyone at Gotham attending party to witness the unveiling of Nygma's new and improved Box...
"I cannot believe that I said that." Sean said as he rubbed his temples.
Sean: (Narrating) ...and Nygma is the talk of the town. We also see people trying out to for everyone to see their innermost fantasies. Yeah, I don't want people to know about my innermost fantasy...
Bruce Wayne: Fully interactive holographs. Only a high frequency carrier wave beamed directly into the brain could create such images.
Edward Nygma: Yeah, and you wish you thought of it.
We cut back to Sean, who is seen wearing his glasses.
"Only one of us at this party will be the only one looking good wearing glasses." Sean said, referring to Bruce and Nygma both wearing glasses.
Sean: (Narrating) While Nygma dances with Chase, Bruce is duped into going into the machine that ends up reading his mind, but then Two-Face crashes party and interrupts the process, giving Bruce ample time to make his escape and suit up and by not using the door.
(Batman crashes through the skylight)
Man With Glasses: (Points) Batman! Yeah!
"Doesn't anybody in this city act normal?" Sean asked.
(Cut to a montage of clips featuring some of the characters overacting)
(Cut to Two-Face acting goofy)
Fred Stickley: What the hell is going on here?!
(Edward is watching television and starts laughing)
Gossip Gerty (Played by Elizabeth Sanders): OH!
Man With Glasses: Batman! Yeah!
Sean: (Narrating) So we get another action sequence and we get a Batman version of Raiders of the Lost Ark...
(One of the thugs does some quick fight moves in front of Batman, but Batman knocks him out with a kick)
Sean: (V/O as Batman) Screw you. I'm Batman, bitch!
Sean: (Narrating) ...Batman knocks out a goon who was harrassing Dr. Meridian and she gives him a kiss and invites him over to her place at midnight. But getting laid has to wait as Batman goes after...
(Cut to Two-Face running outside acting goofy as ever by shooting his pistol up in the air)
"Dude, I cannot sanction your buffoonery. Knock it off!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman pursues Two-Face to a subway line under maitinence, leading him into a trap and he tries to kill him by collapsing the structure on Batman with a grenade launcher and causing him to be buried. Two-Face escapes and leaves Batman for dead, but the Dark Knight is saved by his Dick and he is extremely grateful.
Bruce Wayne: What the hell did you think you were doing?
"I guess not." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Bruce isn't too happy with his Dick and he makes it very clear to him that he does not need a partner.
Dick Grayson: Bruce, whenever you go out at night, I'll be watching. And wherever Batman goes, I'll be right beside him.
Singers: (Singing) The Ambiguously Gay Du...
"Stop! Stop! Stop! We're not using that joke. Just forget it. It's been done to death." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Bruce has other things on his mind rather than a whiny Dick, he has a horny blonde psychiatrist waiting for him.
Bruce Wayne: Even Chase calls being Batman a curse.
Alfred: Perhaps the lady is just what the doctor ordered. She seems lovely and wise.
Bruce Wayne: I've never been in love before, Alfred.
(Pictures of Vicki Vale, Selina Kyle and Andrea Beaumont from Batman, Batman Returns and Batman: Mask of the Phantasm are shown with the caption "BULLSHIT!" while a sound clip of Iceman from Top Gun saying "Bullshit" is heard)
Alfred: Go to her. Tell her how you feel.
Bruce Wayne: She wants Batman, not Bruce Wayne.
Alfred: Let the lady decide, hmm?
"Oh, I'm pretty sure she'll choose somebody else." Sean said as a picture of Nicole Kidman's husband Keith Urban is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Batman goes to visit Chase, where she's ready for him to ravish her in bed, but she tells him that she's met someone else and that she's more in love with Bruce than him
Dr. Chase Meridian: I can't believe this, I... I've imagined this moment since I first saw you. Your... your eyes. Your lips. Your body.
Sean: (V/O as Chase) The way your mouth hangs open. (V/O as Batman) Oh, come on.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get this little moment right here.
(Batman turns back to leave Chase and he smiles in satisfaction)
"God, I forgot how meme-worthy this movie is. Hell, that right there is a literal meme." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at The Riddler's hideout, Two-Face is upset that Batman is still alive, but The Riddler's plan became a success when he shows him Bruce's memories and fears.
The Riddler: Riddle me this. What kind of a man has bats on the brain?
"Shazam?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) While all that's going on, Bruce decides to give up fighting crime. But Dick protests that Batman still needs to fight crime to protect the innocent.
Bruce Wayne: I've dedicated my life to helping strangers I've never met, faces I've never seen. Well, the innocent aren't faceless anymore.
Dick Grayson: You can't tell me what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Look, my dad told me that every man goes his own way. Well, my way goes to Two-Face. You got to help me.
Bruce Wayne: And if you do find Harvey and then you kill him, what next?
"Then, he'll star in NCIS: Los Angeles. That's what he'll do." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Bruce quits being Batman all because of a horny psychiatrist and his whiny Dick. So, Dick leaves and Bruce decides to tell Chase everything. But then he started to think about his parents' murder once more after she accidentally knocks over some roses. This causes him to have flashbacks once more and he reveals his secret identity to her. Meanwhile, The Riddler and Two-Face knock out Alfred and they infiltrate Wayne Manor. So while Two-Face has his goons go after Bruce and Chase, The Riddler heads to the Batcave.
Computer Voice: Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Intruder alert!
The Riddler: Intruder alert! Intruder alert! SHUT UP!
"Okay, that part had me cracking up." Sean said.
(One of Two-Face's goons grabs Chase, Bruce sees this as he runs over to the table and slides on the top of it)
Sean: (V/O as Bruce) Here I come to save the... OH, SHIT! THAT WAS DUMB!
(We see Two-Face flipping his coin over and over again, trying to get the side that he wants)
"Hey, he's flipping his coin just like in the comics. Oy." Sean said.
(Cut to The Riddler destroying the Batcave)
Sean: (Narrating) The Riddler channels his inner Michael Bay with his goofiness by blowing up the Batcave all while composer Elliot Goldenthal channels his inner Danny Elfman with his music score.
The Riddler: Somebody tell the fat lady she's on in five.
(The Riddler puts a green bag with a question mark on it in the Batmobile)
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Anything but the Batmobile! Do not blow up the Batmobile!" Sean exclaimed
(The Riddler picks up his question mark staff and detonates the explosive, destroying the Batmobile)
"YOU MANIAC! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU TO HELL!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) After that kick in the nuts to your childhood, Two-Face gets the side that he wanted and shoots Bruce in the head, with the bullet only grazing him, and he decides to finish him off.
(Two-Face walks up to Bruce in an over-the-top fashion to finish him off)
Sean: (V/O as Two-Face) I can't sanction this buffoonery any more!
The Riddler: NO! Don't kill him. If you kill him... (Sits the last riddle down on the stairs) ...he won't learn nothin'.
(They both cackle and guffaw in a goofy fashion as they leave the mansion and they take Chase with them)
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce wakes up as Aflred tells him what's happened, and we cut to Chase being held captive while The Riddler tries to impress her with his flashy jacket.
Dr. Chase Meridian: Batman will come for me.
The Riddler: (In an English accent) Batman? Batman, you say?! (Jumps down) Coming for you?! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Rrrr! Rrrr! I'm... COUNTING ON IT!
"Okay, dude! Tone it down a notch." Sean said.
(We cut to Comissioner Gordon and the police officer turn the Bat-Signal on, but suddenly, green rays form a question mark in the sky)
Comissioner Gordon: (Points up) There!
Police Officer: Who the hell's doing that?
"The Joker. Who do you think?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Wayne Manor, Bruce and Alfred are trying to solve all four of the riddles, and they realize that there's a number in each one and perhaps letters of the alphabet.
Alfred: 18 is "R". "M-R-E".
Bruce Wayne: How about "Mr.E."?
Alfred: Mystery.
Bruce Wayne: And another name for mystery.
Alfred: Enigma.
Bruce Wayne: Mr. E. Nygma. Edward Nygma.
"Hell, I've figured that out when I watched this movie as a kid." Sean said. "Hell, it's just like the time that I realized that Jake Bongiovi is the son of singer Jon Bon Jovi."
Sean: (Narrating) Bruce suits up in his last Batsuit and since you've forgotten that this is a Joel Schumacher film...
(The camera focuses on the suit's rear part. A clip of xChaseMoney playing Batman: Arkham Knight is shown saying "Dat ass!' followed by the caption "Bat Ass" while the song "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Batman has two choices, going by sea in his Batboat or take the skies in his redesigned Batplane. But then, someone shows up and it is his Dick returning to him an he's wearing a snazzy new outfit.
Batman: "R"? What's that stand for?
(Dick turns his head aside to say his identity's name)
Robin: Robin.
"I would've went for "Randy" but this is okay." Sean said.
Robin: Riddler and Two-Face can make a pretty lethal combination. I figured you could use a hand.
Batman: Two against two are better odds.
Robin: I can't promise I won't kill Harvey.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman is easily convinced to let Robin come along as his partner and the two of them swing into action and I cannot forget this moment.
(Batman flies by Gordon and the police officer, and they cheer for him)
Comissioner Gordon: Hey! Go! Go!
(Batman thumbs up and flies off)
"See? Batman approves of this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Nygmatech lair on Claw Island, The Riddler and Two-Face try to take out the Dynamic Duo by playing a game of Battleship. God, let's hope it's not the movie version. (The poster for the 2012 film adaptation Battleship is shown)
Two-Face: Oh, that sinking feeling.
The Riddler: I like this game.
Two-Face: C-9.
(Two-Face detonates a bomb as Robin pulls the "eject" lever right before it explodes)
"Oh, great! You blew up Batman's Dick!" Sean exclaimed.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean and special guest star Jake Bongiovi playing basketball as upbeat music plays in the background)
Sean: Hi, I'm, Sean J. Archer.
Jake Bongiovi: And I'm Jake Bongiovi.
Sean: And we just like to take some time off by saying that we've had a lot of fun with people named Dick today.
Jake Bongiovi: And they're all taking it like champs.
Sean: So when you see your Dick, make sure you give him a nice, firm shake.
Jake Bongiovi: And make sure that you have some fun with your Dick as well.
Sean: (Points at something) Hey, is that Millie lezzing it out with Taylor?
Jake Bongiovi: Where?
(Sean snatches the basketball away from Jake)
Jake Bongiovi: Oh, you Dick! Give me that ball!
(Jake chases after Sean. We then see the screen for "The More You Know" is shown while the NBC jingle plays in the background)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
The Riddler: This is your captain speaking. Please return to your seats. We will be experiencing turbulence.
(The Riddler presses the "Bonus" button to blast the Batplane with all the power of the brainwaves)
"First, the Joker's big gun and now green light. The Batplane is easy to take down, isn't it?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman crashes into the water and luckily, his Batplane turns into a Batsub as he sees that Robin is getting attacked by scuba divers, so he jumps in and saves him and the two of them make it onto the island and we get this line.
Robin: Holy rusted metal, Batman!
Batman: Huh?
Robin: The ground- it's all metal. It's full of holes, you know? Holy.
Batman: Oh.
"Okay, I chuckled a bit from hearing that line." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The island rises up and the two of them separate, leaving Robin to fight Two-Face and give him a beatdown.
Robin: That was for my mother! (Kicks Two-Face in the face) My father! (Hits him in the chin) My brother!
"This was for those awful ice puns, for casting George Clooney as Batman, for that god awful Bat Credit Card, the list goes on!" Sean exclaimed while holding a baseball bat.
Sean: (Narrating) Robin saves Two-Face from certain death but he ends up getting captured by him, while Batman makes it inside the lair and goes through a death trap before reaches The Riddler and Two-Face who are waiting for him as The Riddler reveals his diabolical plan.
The Riddler: Soon my little box will be on countless TVs around the world, feeding me credit card numbers, bank codes, sexual fantasies and little white lies.
We cut back to Sean, who looks a bit stunned.
"Okay, I have to agree with the Nostalgia Critic and the Last Angry Geek when they reviewed this movie because this is pretty relevant. And boy, is this ahead of it's time." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He reveals to Batman that he has both Chase and Robin and he makes him choose which one should die. But Batman has a little riddle for The Riddler to solve.
Batman: I see without seeing. (He secretly prepares his Batarang) To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?
The Riddler: Please! You're as blind as a bat!
Batman: Exactly.
(Batman throws the Batarang to destroy the giant Box above)
The Riddler: NOOOOO!
Sean: (V/O as The Riddler) OH, NO! MY BOX!
Sean: (Narrating) The Riddler has his mind warped and turned into... Play-Doh? But he ends up dropping Chase and Robin to their doom, leaving Batman to save them both, which he does and just when they make it to safety, Two-Face shows up to confront them.
Two-Face: No more riddles, no more curtains one and two, just pain curtains! (Laughs)
Batman: Aren't you forgetting something, Harvey? Your coin?
(Two-Face looks at his coin)
Batman: You're always of two minds about everything.
(Batman pulls out a dozen coins)
Two-Face: Yes, of course. You're right, Bruce. Emotion's always the enemy of true justice. Thank you. You've always been a good friend.
(Two-Face flips his coin and Batman tosses dozens of coins at him, heavily confusing him and causing him to fall off the bar he was standing on and down to his death)
"Just remember, kids. It's wrong for you to kill, but then it's okay for the other person to kill. That's the moral of today's story." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Batman approaches Riddler and he turns him in, sending him to Arkham Asylum, and Dr. Burton played by Rene Auberjonois, is concerned about what Nygma knows.
Dr. Burton (Played by Rene Auberjonois): Edward Nygma has been screaming for hours that he knows the true identity of Batman.
"And why is my name in the opening credits even though I have only one scene." Sean said.
Dr. Chase Meridian: Dr. Burton tells me you know who Batman is.
Edward Nygma: (Off-screen) I can't tell you if you don't say please.
Dr. Chase Meridian: Edward, please, who is Batman?
(Nygma appears in a straitjacket and we see him gone completely insane)
Edward Nygman: I'm Batman! (Laughs)
Sean: (V/O as Dr. Meridian) Okay, he's gone cukoo for Cocoa Puffs. Get me out of here.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Bruce's secret is safe and him and Chase kiss each other goodbye and the film ends with Batman and Robin running towards the camera with the Batsignal in the background very triumphantly and we get the reason why we sit through the opening credits.
(The song "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me" by U2 plays diring the end credits)
"And that was Batman Forever and..." Sean said.
(The song "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal plays after U2's song during the credits)
"Okay, that's two reasons why we stay during the end credits jus to hear those songs. And yet, Jody from Shameless butchered "Kiss From a Rose" while he was boinking Karen. Anyway, that was Batman Forever, I can't say that it's a good Batman movie. It has it's moments, but I still enjoy it."
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, it's not Batman & Robin, but it's still an alright movie. I do enjoy the lighter tone and it has like a mix between the Adam West show and the Burton movies. It has a few good ideas and I enjoyed the visuals. It tends to be goofy when you have some of the actors overacting, which is just a tad bit much. When I watch the movie, I'm never bored and I keep coming back to it, plus it keeps me entertained. It's not the worst, but in my opinion, it's still an alright movie. Batman Forever comes in at 3 question marks out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch and leaves the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- It just raises too many questions.
And that is all for the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all enjoyed reading the new chapter. So, what are your thoughts about the movie Batman Forever? Did you enjoy it or did you not care for it? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean takes a look at a lovely film about a man and his Willy. And of course, I'm talking about Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. The darkest entry in the franchise. What are Sean's feelings about this movie? Feel free to review this movie, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you would like to co-review a movie with me or if you want to request a movie for me to review, feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.