The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another chapter of The Mayhem Critic and it's time for more commercials! Sean and Lucas are back, and so are another batch of commercials to look at. Will there be some that would be funny? Will there be some that will disturb Sean and Lucas? We'll find out today. Here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.
Episode 177
Commercials X: The Clone Wars
(The episode opens with the traditional Mayhem Critic intro, but instead, our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, and his good buddy Lucas a.k.a. UltimateWarriorFan4Ever, both appear in the intro)
"Okay, okay, okay. No time for the intro. You know who we are." Sean said.
"And you know what we do." Lucas said.
"And if you don't know what we're about to talk about…" Sean said.
"THEN SUCK IT!" Sean and Lucas both yelled at the camera.
"Alright, let's start Commercials X. Cue the intro." Sean said.
(Different bumpers featuring What-a-Mess the Dog from the ABC Saturday Morning bumper from 1994, Dynamo Duck from a Fox Kids bumper from 1992, a Kids WB bumper from 1997, Felix the Cat from a CBS Saturday Morning bumper and an NBC Saturday Morning bumper from 1988 are shown)
(TV static transitions to: Monster Cookies commercial from 1977)
(The commercial opens with a kid riding his bike when suddenly, out of nowhere, an off-screen monster tries to offer him a cookie by directly putting it into his mouth while the kid makes an extremely worried look on his face)
Monster: Have a cookie.
"What the hell am I watching?" Sean asked.
(Cut to a kid playing on the monkey bars as the off-screen monster puts the cookie into his mouth)
Monster: A munchy Monster Cookie.
"Should I be concerned about what's going on? Because it feels like that monster's going to kidnap these children after shoving cookies in their mouths." Lucas asked with a concerned look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) This is a commercial from the 70s advertising for a product called Monster Cookies. Sounds cute and all about a monster giving children cookies to eat. But the execution for…
"Uhhhhhhh… yeah. It's a bit creepy." Sean said.
Monster: Have a cookie. A munchy Monster Cookie.
Lucas: (Narrating) I just love the look on these kids' faces. It says it all. We see them just playing around and having fun, and then suddenly, somebody sticks something in their mouth and they're like, "Oh, God. I need an adult."
(We see a boy go down the slide and he is given a cookie by the monster)
Sean: (Narrating) I just love the expression on this kid's face. It is laughably priceless. He's like, "What the hell is going on?"
(We see a blonde-haired boy getting ready to swing his baseball bat until the monster gives him a cookie)
Lucas: (Narrating) Okay, I'm pretty sure that kid was shocked to have something shoved in his mouth like Anna Claire Clouds in a Brazzers video.
"Boy, the Nostalgia Critic was right. When he talked about this commercial in his Commercials Resurrection video, those children look like a last known image on an FBI's missing list. They're on the wall with Will Byers from Stranger Things." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the hilarious faces, what makes this commercial even more funnier is the monster singing. How can you not laugh your ass off from hearing that monster sing from out of nowhere?
Monster: (Sings to the tune of "Little Brown Jug") With milk or lunch, or as a snack, there's Monster Money on every pack. Six great flavors can't be beat… they're the only monsters people eat.
"Oh, yeah. I'm pretty sure that the song is going to be catchy as hell for people to remember." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Man, just seeing that happening to little kids is weird and funny. Try imagining it happening to adults. Now, that would be pretty weird.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see that Sean is busy taking a shower. As he finishes his shower, Sean wraps a towel around his waist and steps out. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, an off-screen monster shoves a cookie into Sean's mouth)
Brian: (V/O as Monster) Have a cookie.
Sean: (Sputtering) Gah! What the actual fuck?! What are you doing in my bathroom?! And how the hell did you get into my house? Get out, goddamn it! Out! Jesus Christ!
(The next scene cuts to Sean in his office working on a new smutty one-shot for Fanfiction)
Sean: (While typing on his laptop) "Oliver stepped inside the hotel room, his eyes widened in surprise and his jaw dropped from the sight of his best friend Miley and his girlfriend Lilly, standing in the middle of the room wearing the most sexiest lingerie that would make him…" Hmm, make him what? Ooh! I know…
(As he prepares to type on his laptop, the monster arm appears again and once again shoves a cookie into his mouth)
Brian: (V/O) Have a cookie.
Sean: You son of a bitch! How many times do I have to tell you to get out?! Get outta here!
(The scene cuts to night, as we see Sean getting ready for a night of passion with Taylor. Sean is wearing his Chicago Bears t-shirt and blue pajama shorts and Taylor is wearing a sexy red lace nightgown)
Taylor: Oh, Sean. I hope you're ready for me.
Sean: Oh, yeah. Definitely. Because I am totally going to rock your world.
Taylor: Ooh, how kinky of you.
Sean: But first, close your eyes.
(Taylor closes her eyes while Sean stands in front of her)
Sean: Alright, now get ready. Because I have a big surprise for you. Huge surprise. Okay, now open your mouth.
(Taylor opens her mouth when suddenly the monster arm appears again and shoves a cookie into Taylor's mouth)
Brian: (V/O) Have a cookie!
(Taylor opens her eyes and shoves the arm away from her face)
Taylor: You asshole! Quit it! I'm waiting for my boyfriend to give me a taste of his "package"!
(The monster arm then appears again to give Sean a cookie)
Brian: (V/O) Have a cookie.
Sean: Get that out of my face or I'm gonna take that cookie and shove it straight up your…
(This time, the monster points an M16 rifle at Sean and Taylor)
Brian: (V/O in a menacing tone) I said… have a cookie. Or I'll kill your girlfriend.
(The monster aims the rifle at Taylor)
Sean: (Scared) Okay, okay. Let's be cool here. Let's be cool. We'll have a cookie. You want a cookie, Taylor?
Taylor: (Scared) Sure, sure. I'll have a cookie as well.
(Sean and Taylor both smile at the monster)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) It's an insane commercial, but it's funny as hell.
Monster: Monster Cookies. They're everywhere!
(TV static transitions to: Nintendo Virtual Boy commercial from 1995)
(The commercial opens with a wall opening up in two, revealing a hellish-like setting with a Virtual Boy emerging from the orange smoke.)
Narrator: It came from the third dimension.
"Oh, fucking hell…" Sean said, facepalming in response.
"No kidding, this looks like it LITERALLY belongs in hell." Lucas pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, remember when this was actually a thing? If not, well then, let me disappoint you when I say this was the STUPIDEST idea Nintendo ever released… the Virtual Boy.
"Yes, the Virtual Boy…" Lucas sighed before holding up an actual Virtual Boy in his hands. "This is what happens if your Viewmaster grew legs for some reason."
Lucas then looked right at the Virtual Boy with a "WTF?!" expression plastered all around his face.
He then looked to the camera shouting in a panic, "THIS LOOKS LIKE A REJECTED STAR WARS ROBOT!"
Narrator: It came from the third dimension. With it's own brain.
(The camera zooms in on the Virtual Boy and we see the inside of it until we see through it's eyes, revealing a Terminator-like monitor)
Narrator: It's own voice.
(It starts chasing after a teenage boy with dreadlocks)
Narrator: It's own legs.
(The teenage boy then leaps off the platform.)
Narrator: There's only one problem…
"It really sucks?" Lucas and Sean smirked to the camera.
Narrator: It needs your eyes.
(A Virtual Boy controller pops out and starts wrapping the teenager all around, forcing the teenager to grab onto the controller as he is pulled in by the console itself. He then looks right into the Virtual Boy.)
"Oh, the horror…" Sean said, shuddering in horror.
"The unspeakable 16-bit horror…" Lucas gulped.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, you really gotta love how scared shitless that kid is. It's almost like he would rather be in paradise playing a Game Boy, but instead, he's trapped in some post-apocalyptic hell with this piece of dump.
"Why exactly was this a piece of dump to begin with?" Lucas asked to the camera before replying, "Well, let the games they made for this pitiful excuse of virtual reality speak for itself."
(Clips of the games Virtual Boy Wario Land, Mario Clash, Panic Bomber, Mario's Tennis, Vertical Force, Teleroboxer, Red Alarm, 3D Tetris and Waterworld began to play in order.)
Sean: (Narrating) These games don't even come close to looking like 3D, let alone make you feel like you're actually in front of the game. Doesn't take place in a POV. It's just basically a Game Boy colored in period blood that you zoom into with these dumbass glasses. Not that you really want to anyway since this system causes you a whole lot of eye strain than you can imagine. To be honest, the games aren't really that bad, there are some games that use the 3D function very well like Teleroboxer and Red Alarm and then you got painful boring games like 3D Tetris.
Lucas: (Narrating) Wouldn't you also believe they made a Waterworld game for this piece of filth? I swear to god, I would rather chug on Kevin Costner's moldy piss juice than to play the Virtual Boy anyday.
"Because we can guarantee you that would be way more fun than this excuse." Sean said, crossing his arms.
"Hell, watching the film Waterworld is more fun than the Virtual Boy." Lucas sternly said before shouting, "EVEN PISSING ON A VIRTUAL BOY IS MORE FUN THAN THE VIRTUAL BOY!"
"Which reminds me…" Sean said as he got off the couch while taking the Virtual Boy off the table.
(One minute later…)
Sean comes back to the living room and sits back on the couch, all while placing the Virtual Boy back on the coffee, which was now soaked with a very strange yellow liquid.
"Ah, much better." Sean replied in relaxing fashion.
"Looks like one of the golden showers Asa Akira had in that one video." Lucas pointed out.
Sean: (Narrator) The Virtual Boy. What the hell were you legit thinking, Nintendo?
Narrator: Virtual Boy, see it now in 3D.
Nintendo. PLAY IT LOUD.
(A clip of the film Waterworld plays.)
Deacon (Played by Dennis Hopper): It does look like shit.
(TV static transitions to: Nestle Crunch commercial from the 1980s)
(The commercial opens with a blonde-haired woman taking a bite of a Nestle Crunch bar and she starts singing. As she sings, the word "S-Crunch-ous" appears)
Singers: Chocolate is…
Blonde-Haired Lady: (Sings) S-Crunch-ous! (The product's name appears on the screen) When it crunches.
"Okay, were you on something when you did this commercial, lady? I know it was the 80s and coke was a big thing, but Jesus." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this Nestle Crunch bar from the 80s clearly made it look like that the actors were in cocaine, mostly because the rice pellets were actually made from cocaine.
Singers: Chocolate is…
Baseball Coach: (Sings) S-Crunch-ous, when it crunches.
"Damn, it made it look like Steven Seagal snapped that dude's neck after he said S-Crunch-ous." Lucas said.
(A neck-snapping sound is heard in the background)
Baseball Coach: (Sings) S-Crunch-ous, when it crunches. That's why I love Nestle Crunch.
(Cut back to the blonde-haired lady and the image pauses on her smiling face)
Lucas: (Narrating) Look at this lady. It looks like The Joker laced her candy bar with Smylex and she looks like that reporter chick who died with a smile on her face.
(An image of the female news anchorwoman, Becky Narita from Batman is shown)
"I want my face on the Nestle Crunch bar." Sean said, imitating The Joker.
Sean: (Narrating) And we got to talk about this kid right here.
Blonde-Haired Boy: (Sings) S-Crunch-ous, when it crunches. That's why I love Nestle Crunch! (Takes a bite of the bar)
Lucas: (Narrating) Just look at him. He looks at the Crunch bar the same way I look at Gabbie Carter's tits. (A picture of porn actress Gabbie Carter is shown next to the kid)
Blonde-Haired Kid: (Sings) That's why I love Nestle Crunch!
"Damn, I love to get my hands on those sweet jugs of hers." Lucas said, imitating the kid.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love this kid. He puts his heart and soul into his performance. Hell, you could tell that he loves eating Nestle Crunch bars. And before I forget to mention this, that kid has become a literal meme. There are memes on TikTok and YouTube featuring the kid singing the jingle and you have people edit in different replacements for the crunch sound.
(Cut to one of the memes, this one starts off with the kid singing the jingle, and before the kid takes a bite, we cut to a clip from God of War where Kratos breaks Baldur's neck and kills him. Then, there's another one involving a teen hitting his head with a book. The third, involves a kid getting spanked with a paddle and he screams)
"Yeah, I know, they've been done to death. But, I feel like we can come up with a few of our own." Sean said.
(Cut back to the kid singing the jingle)
Blonde-Haired Kid: (Sings) That's why I love Nestle Crunch!
(Cut to a clip from Mortal Kombat 9, where we see Shao Khan breaking Kung Lao's neck)
"Here's another one from me." Lucas said.
Blonde-Haired Kid: (Sings) That's why I love Nestle Crunch!
(Cut to a clip from WCW Monday Nitro, where we see Jeff Jarrett hits comedian Beetlejuice with a guitar)
Jim Ross: (V/O) Oh, my God! Down goes Beetlejuice!
Jeff Jarrett: It's Mr. Slap Nut to you!
"This is pretty fun. Let's try one more." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Blonde-Haired Kid: (Sings) That's why I love Nestle Crunch!
(Cut to a clip from Stranger Things, where we see Vecna breaking Chrissy Cunningham's bones and Eddie Munson starts screaming)
"Try to come up with some of your own at home. It's pretty fun." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) A classic commercial that left a mark on us with it's series of hilarious memes. And for us to be in the mood for a Nestle Crunch.
Blonde-Haired Boy: (Sings) That's why I love Nestle Crunch!
(Cut to a clip from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, where we see Shao Khan breaking Johnny Cage's neck)
(TV static transitions to: Progressive "Braces" TV Dad commercial from 2022 featuring Reginald VelJohnson)
(The commercial opens up to a bearded man and his father having coffee in the kitchen.)
Bearded Man: *to Father* Kids are so expensive, Dad. Now Katie needs braces.
"Why not just give her up for adoption then?" Lucas shrugged to the camera, "It'll save him a whole lotta cash."
Father: *to Bearded Dad* Maybe try switching your car insurance to Progressive. You can save hundreds.
Bearded Man: I don't know, dad.
"Maybe I'll go ask someone else. Someone more familiar." Sean said, imitating the bearded man before turning to the left, "What do you think, kind sir with the newspaper?"
(The camera turns to an unknown man reading a newspaper while sitting on the sofa. He then lowers the newspaper to reveal TV Dad, played by Reginald VelJohnson.)
TV Dad (played by Reginald VelJohnson): *to Bearded Man* Maybe try switching your car insurance to Progressive. You can save hundreds.
"Oh, my God! It's…." Sean said with a surprised look on his face.
"REGINALD VELJOHNSON!" Lucas screamed out as he gets excited.
(A shot of TV Dad is shown talking with the caption "Starring Reginald VelJohnson as TV Dad" shown below him while the theme song to Family Matters, "As Days Go By" performed by Jesse Frederick plays in the background)
Bearded Man: That's a great idea, TV Dad.
Father: But I said the exact same thing.
TV Dad: Some day when you're a father, you'll understand.
Father: (Points to his son) I'm his father.
TV Dad: It's not a competition.
"Besides, Carl Winslow is a better father than you." Sean said. "Hell, don't we all wish that TV Dad was our father?"
"In fact, raise your hand if you wish that TV Dad was your father." Lucas said.
Sean and Lucas both raise their hands, then we cut to Brian as we see him raise his hand along with Dave and while Oliver does the same. We then jump to Up All Knight as Chad and Dexter both raise their hands.
"See? TV Dad kicks ass and he gives good advice." Lucas said.
(Clips from other Progressive commercials featuring TV Dad is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from this commercial, there are other commercials featuring TV Dad. You have him with a new puppy and one which parodies a "Very Special Episode".
Lucas: (Narrating) And let's not forget that he has his own intro. Oh, yeah. TV Dad has his own intro.
(The TV Dad intro is shown)
Singer: He's kind and he's funny. And he's also mustachioed. He solves all your problems by the end of every episode.
Singers: TV Dad.
Singer: Everyone loves TV Dad.
"Man, life would be better if we have TV Dad solve all of our problems." Sean said.
"Yeah, I can imagine that right now." Lucas replied as he started to ponder.
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(We see Lucas coming home looking very defeated and down, all before dragging himself over to the couch where Sean, who is dressed as TV Dad, is seen reading a Sports Illustrated.)
Sean/TV Dad: Ah, son. You're back. How did your date go?
Lucas: Not so good. My date hardly paid any attention to me. She kept looking at some fat Australian with a flat-top while we were eating. Claims he's an 'alpha male'. What should I do?
Sean/TV Dad: It's simple… dump her bitch ass!
Lucas: Of course, why didn't I think of that? Thanks, TV Dad!
Sean/TV Dad: Anytime son.
(Lucas then hugs Sean/TV Dad in return.)
(Cutaway gag ends.)
"Spoiler alert: I dumped her ass." Lucas smirked to the camera, "That'll teach her to leave me for Nick Adams. Who knew TV Dad gave good dating advice?"
Sean: (Narrating) TV Dad. He's also from Die Hard, and that's who's he is.
Narrator: Listen to your TV Dad. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save nearly $700 on average.
(TV static transitions to: McDonalds Mulan commercial featuring Emily Osment from 1998)
(The commercial opens with a father and daughter watching the movie Mulan, the animated version, in the living room while eating McDonalds)
Daughter (Played by Emily Osment): Dad, you think maybe someday I'll be big and brave like Mulan?
Father: Yeah.
"Just pray to god you won't be like the live-action Mulan." Sean said as the poster for the 2020 live-action remake of Mulan is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Back then, McDonalds was promoting Disney's Mulan with it's Happy Meal tie-in. And in this commercial, you have the most adorable, energetic little girl who wants to be big and brave like Mulan, and she shows it.
Daughter: Yeah! Then I can race on a horse. (Starts galloping like a horse) And maybe do some (Starts doing karate moves) Hiya! Hiya! (Does a cartwheel) And go to China, Asia and Illinois!
"Awww, well aren't you a ball of sunshine. She's so adorable." Lucas said with a smile on his face.
"Well, here's the thing about the little girl and why she looks very familiar." Sean said.
Lucas takes a closer look at the blonde-haired little girl. His eyes widened in surprise when he recognized her.
"Wait a minute, is that…" Lucas said.
"Yep. That little girl in the commercial is Emily Osment." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Before Spy Kids, before Hannah Monanta, before Young & Hungry and before Young Sheldon, Emily Osment was about 6-years-old when she did this commercial. And boy, you can tell how energetic she was when she was little. That's not the only McDonalds commercial that she appeared in. Back in 1997, she appeared in another McDonalds commercial promoting the Hercules plates.
(Cut to the McDonalds Hercules plates ad)
Little Girl (Played by Emily Osment): Cool! Hercules plates!
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this is what Lilly Truscott's life was like before she met Miley Stewart. And also, in case you buttknocker aren't familiar with the last name "Osment", that's because she's the younger sister of Haley Joel Osment, (A picture of Haley Joel Osment is shown, along with a picture of Sora from Kingdom Hearts) who would go on to voice Sora in the Kingdom Hearts video games.
Female Announcer: While you can, treat them to a McDonalds Happy Meal with toys from Disney's Mulan video. One in every hamburger Happy Meal you buy. Still a $1.99.
"And while we're at it, we'll throw in some of that delicious szechuan sauce to go with your Chicken McNuggets." Lucas said, imitating the announcer.
Daughter: So, what you think?
Father: Sounds good. But then you're gonna be too big for a Happy Meal.
Daughter: Oh. Never mind.
"Oh, don't worry, Emily. In a few years, the Mighty Kids Meal will be released and you'll definitely be too big for a Happy Meal. But since you're the same age as me, you can get the Adult Happy Meal, in which you get a weird toy. Yeah, that sucked. Seriously, McDonalds. What the hell were you thinking?" Sean asked.
Lucas: (Narrating) What can we say about this commercial, it's adorable as hell. And Emily Osment grew up to be a hottie. Damn, Georgie from Young Sheldon was lucky as hell to be boinking an older lady. Lucky bastard.
Ronald McDonald: Did somebody say McDonalds?
(TV static transitions to: Honey Nut Cheerios commercial from 1985 featuring Hulk Hogan)
(The commercial opens up to a close-up of Hulk Hogan, who's busy approaching the Honey Nut Cheerios bee, who is busy backing away from Hulk.)
Hulk Hogan: Hey Bee, no way a little dude like you is gonna change my ways!
Sean immediately groaned before saying with a stressed-out sigh, "Ohh, you again…"
Lucas: (Narrating) Welp, our favorite red and yellow fruit loop with the handlebar mustache is back once again, this time in the form of a Honey Nut Cheerios commercial.
(Clips of various commercials starring Hulk Hogan plays in a montage, featuring the 10-10-220 commercial with Alf, the Arby's commercial, Hitachi commercial from Japan, the short Hulk Hogan Multi-Vitamins commercial)
Sean: (Narrating) I swear, this is literally becoming a running gag in these commercials specials in which we have to do a usual Hulk Hogan commercial every single time.
Lucas: (Narrating) You have him in a 10-10-220 commercial with Alf, you have him in an Arby's commercial, you have him in a Hitachi commercial in Japan in which he's singing nursery rhymes, and a commercial where he's promoting ripoff Flintstone vitamins.
"Spoiler alert: they're actually steroids." Sean replied.
"Made by Vince McMahon of course." Lucas nodded, "So is this Honey Nut Cheerios made out of steroids as well? Don't take our word for it. Let our Honey Nut Cheerios bee explain it to the Hulkster himself… brother."
(The Honey Nut Cheerios bee hides behind the cereal box.)
Honey Nut Cheerios Bee: It time you attempt to with the taste of nuts and honey.
Hulk Hogan: Hulk Hogan doesn't eat nuts and honey!
"He eats out Bubba The Love Sponge's wife instead." Lucas smirked, referring to Hulk Hogan's sex tape.
"Oh, God." Sean said, groaning in disgust while he made a facepalm. "I'd rather watch a porn parody of Total Drama Island than watching the Hulkster's sex tape."
Honey Nut Cheerios Bee: Did you taste this?
(The Honey Nut Cheerios bee flies up and pushes the spoon in Hulk Hogan's mouth and runs away. Hulk's eyes widened in surprise)
"Hey, look at that. He's making the same look on his face like the kids from the Monster Cookies commercial." Lucas chuckled.
Honey Nut Cheerios Bee: An unbeatable part of this nutritious breakfast!
(Hulk bites into the cereal yet again.)
Hulk Hogan: That's better than a body slam!
(Hulk bends his spoon in half)
"And even better than your shitty movies." Sean smirked.
"Although we do love No Holds Barred and Suburban Commando." Lucas replied, "Those fall into the 'so bad, it's good' category."
Honey Nut Cheerios Bee: Undefeated!
Hulk Hogan: And still champion!
(The bee and Hulk flex their muscles. Hulk rips off his muscle shirt while the bee fails miserably to rip off his shirt)
"Apparently, the bee thinks that he wants to be like the Hulkster." Sean said.
"Hey, just be glad that Hulk Hogan isn't wearing a thong in this one." Lucas said.
(The slogan "It's a honey of an O" is shown)
Singers: It's a honey of an O! It's Honey Nut Cheerios!
"Well, that was a doozy." Sean sighed while relaxing.
"Indeed, it was." Lucas nodded before saying, "Which reminds me…"
Lucas then immediately got off the couch and headed to the door, probably looking left to right before shutting the door and heading back to the couch.
"Just wanted to make sure Hulk Hogan didn't show up." Lucas said to Sean.
Sean then nodded out, "Oh, good. As if I couldn't take his crazy storied for just a half a minu–"
But before he could say another word however, Sean was cut off by Brian on the screen, who was dressed up as Hulk Hogan.
"What's going on, brother?" Brian/Hulk Hogan replied.
"Oh, damn it." Sean groaned, "What do you want, Hulk? Can't you see me and Lucas are trying to a commercials special here?"
"Wait a minute, man, you're doing a commercials special?" Brian/Hulk gasped, "What's the deal, brother? Why didn't you let me know about it, dude?"
"You weren't exactly invited, Hulk." Sean replied.
Brian/Hulk then replied with a groan, "Oh, man, that ain't cool, brother. How could you do this to me, jack. Do you know who I am, man? I'm Hulk Hogan, brother. I'm a hall-of-famer, jack. I bodyslammed Andre at WrestleMania III. I opened up my own restaurant called Pastamania. I helped WCW beat WWE in the ratings for 83 weeks, man. I even sang in my own album with my bitch of an ex-wife, dude. I was on two reality shows. I have my own hangout and beach shop. I even released my sex–"
"Ok, ok, we get what you did!" Lucas shouted, cutting off the Hulkster. He then took a brief deep breath before saying, "Look, if it matters to you, we'll review ONE of your movies this year. Sound good to you?"
"Sounds good to me, brother." Brian/Hulk nodded, "That's all I wanted to hear from two of you chillin', thrillin' Hulkamaniacs. For that I'll give you two 50% off coupons from my beach shop, dude."
While Brian/Hulk was talking though, Oliver, who was dressed as WWE legend Bret "Hitman" Hart, appeared behind the Hulkster holding up a sign bubble that read "I AM A RACIST" directed to an unnoticed Brian/Hulk.
"Oh, that sounds swell." Sean nodded. He then noticed Oliver/Bret coming from behind Hulk for a second before saying to Hulk, "By the way, Hulkster…"
"Yeah, brother. Got something to say, man?" Brian/Hulk said as he lent his hand to his ear, Hulk Hogan style.
Lucas and Sean looked to one another before Sean turned back to Brian/Hulk with a grin, "You have a good-looking moustache."
"Thanks, brother." Brian/Hulk smiled back, still going unnoticed by Oliver/Bret going behind him. "You know, I take a lot of hours making this perfect–"
"Yeah, don't care!" Sean exclaimed, taking the remote and turning off the TV and Hulk Hogan altogether.
Lucas looked to Sean and asked, "You think Hulk noticed Bret Hart standing behind him with that sign?"
"Dude, Hulk's an idiot." Sean grinned towards Lucas, "He don't even know shit."
"Works for me." Lucas nodded, "Next commercial!"
Sean then wasted no time grabbing the remote and turned the TV back on, switching to another commercial.
(TV static transitions to: Folgers commercials from the 1960s)
(One of the commercials open with the caption, "Mrs. Olson Bails Out a Barbecue", as we see a husband and his wife talking at a barbecue)
Wife: You make me feel very unwisely, McNaughton, (Shoves a barbecue fork in her husband's face) go barbecue!
McNaughton: I still say don't serve your awful coffee with my steaks.
"First off, that guy's a dick. And second, who the hell serves coffee at a barbecue?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) You know that times have changed when us guys respect women and for what they do. But Jesus Christ on a mallet, these Folgers ads from the 60s are something else. The premise is this: the wife makes a cup of coffee for her husband and after he drinks it he tells her that the coffee she makes is awful. So, she buys Folgers to make him happy. The setup is the same for these commercials.
"These commercials show what kind of bungholes these husbands are when they tell it to their wives the most delicate way possible." Lucas said.
(Cut to an ad, which shows a husband shaving in a bathroom while drinking his wife's coffee)
Judy: Your coffee, sir. (Gives him his cup of coffee)
Frank: Thanks, beautiful.
Judy: You're welcome.
"Well, that was nice of him." Sean said.
(Frank drinks his coffee)
Frank: (With his wife behind him) How can such a pretty wife (as Judy leaves) make such bad coffee.
"Damn!" Sean and Lucas both said at the same time.
Judy: (Peering back in, offended) I heard that!
Lucas: (V/O as Frank) Good!
(Another ad is shown, featuring a wife getting ready to give her husband some coffee that she poured into his thermos)
Phil: (Drinks his cup of coffee and makes a disgusted look before sitting his cup down) Forget the coffee, Marge. It's never very good.
Marge: But Phil, I…
Phil: I'll get some at the plant.
"Besides, Carolyn at the plant makes the best coffee ever. Why couldn't you make coffee that's as good as hers? Get your shit together, Margie." Sean said, imitating Phil.
Lucas: (Narrating) Now take a look at this commercial featuring this married couple. The wife is happy and she is serving herself and her husband some breakfast while he's taking a sip of coffee that she made, but he's not happy about it.
Wife (Played by Jamie Donnelly): Darling, it's our anniversary. Why so glum?
Husband: Nothing. Well, it's your coffee.
Wife: Again? Even today?
Husband: (Holds his wife's hand) Honey, your coffee just doesn't taste any good.
"Way to be sensitive to your wife's feelings, asshole!" Sean exclaimed before he points at the husband. "Just look at him holding her hand."
Sean: (Narrating) He's telling her, "Honey, your coffee doesn't taste good. But you're great at sex in the bedroom."
(Cut to another ad. In this one, the husband is drinking some coffee and makes a disgusted look)
Wife: Harold, is the coffee alright?
Harold: (Shakes his head) Mm-mmm.
Wife: You mean it's as bad as yesterday?
Harold: (Shakes his head) Mm-hmm.
Wife: No improvement at all?
Harold: (Shakes his head) Mm-mmm.
"Are you going to stop boinking that new neighbor from across the street? The one with the nice big juicy ass of hers?" Lucas asked.
Harold: (Shakes his head) Mm-mmm.
"Oh, let me guess, she makes better coffee than your wife?" Sean asked.
Harold: (Shakes his head) Mm-hmm.
Lucas: (Narrating) Damn, there's no way for these women to please their husbands with a decent cup of coffee. These poor women. What? Is serving bad coffee to your husband a crime? I guess they enjoyed Starbucks better than their coffee.
Sean: (Narrating) Sometimes, one of the housewives go to see their next door neighbor Mrs. Olson, to help them out with their bad coffee problem.
Mary: It's my Jim again. You should've heard him this morning. "Mary, your coffee is as undrinkable as ever."
Mrs. Olson: Aw, and Jim's always so nice.
Sean: (Narrating) And sometimes, the housewife gets some help from the store manager Mr. MacGregor.
Carol: Mr. MacGregor, please help me.
Mr. MacGregor: Carol, what's the matter?
Carol: My coffee. Ed says he get better coffee at the police station.
"Well, it's a crime to drink your coffee because it sucks." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) So, they have a solution to their problem to make sure that they please their husband. The answer is: Folgers.
Mrs. Olson: This'll help. Folgers Coffee.
Wife: Oh, I'm a washout at making coffee.
Mrs. Olson: Oh, making coffee's no trick. You just need a coffee with better flavor, and Folgers is mountain grown.
Wife: Mountain grown really better?
"Yeah, of course. Ask Mr. Olson. Before Mrs. Olson got Folgers, Mr. Olson hated the coffee that she made. He's dead now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Don't you just love how Folgers can save marriages instantly? A husband hates the coffee that his wife makes, so she turns to Folgers, and this changes his mind about her making coffee for him.
Judy: Your coffee, sir. (Gives Frank his cup of coffee)
Frank: Oh, thanks, honey.
Judy: You're welcome.
(Judy looks back at Frank as he drinks his coffee)
Frank: It's great, honey! How can such a pretty wife make such (loudly) great coffee?
Judy: (Peering with a smile on her face) I heard that!
(Frank raises his cup at Judy)
Lucas: (Narrating) Don't you just love how these husbands act like complete dicks towards their wives in these commercials? Especially this one guy in the commercial. He can barely look his wife in the eyes after she tells him what kind of an asshole he's being towards her.
Harvey: Honey, your coffee's… undrinkable!
Wife: That's pretty harsh!
Harvey: Well, so is your coffee! (Stands up) You know, the girls down at the office make better coffee on their hot plates! Well… see you later.
"See? This is the reason why women are sent to jail for murdering their husbands just because they didn't like the coffee they were making." Lucas said.
(Cut to another Folgers ad. This time, it's the "Papa Eddie Solves a Crime" commercial)
Sean: (Narrating) Now take a look at this one. This guy rejects her wife's coffee and he has the audacity to throw the coffee in the garden and he blames it on her and yells at her as well like it's her fault. What an asshole!
Husband: (After he drinks his coffee) Ooh! This coffee is criminal!
(The husband throws his coffee in the garden)
Wife: Honey, you'll kill the petunias!
Husband: (Points at her) Then you admit it, your coffee really is murder!
"Oh, don't worry, buddy boy. Her coffee is definitely going to be murder when she adds a little something into your coffee." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) And you want to know what the answer is? Folgers. It's always going to be Folgers, because Folgers is mountain grown.
Mr. MacGregor: It's mountain grown.
Wife: Mountain grown?
Mr. MacGregor: (Points at the sign and puts his hand over his head) Like the sign says: "Mountain Grown For Richer Flavor".
"And I'm not making the Illuminati symbol if you don't know what a mountain looks like." Lucas said, imitating Mr. MacGregor.
Husband: (After drinking some Folgers) You know, it's a crime not to have delicious coffee like this all the time.
Wife: We will now that I discovered the mountain. (Puts her hands over her head)
"Man, these ads are sexist." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I know they're from the 60s, but if these ads were made today, they would not slide.
"And you know what? We respect women now. We're always loyal and loving and being the dutiful gentlemen that we are. The 60s are over, this is 2023 and we respect women more than ever." Sean said.
"That's right, broski." Lucas said.
"I made you some coffee, Sean." Taylor said as she gives Sean a cup of coffee.
"Thanks, beautiful." Sean said.
The young critic took a sip of his coffee, but then he makes a disgusted look on his face and spits it out.
"Oh, God!" Sean yelled out.
"What's wrong?" Taylor asked, looking hurt.
"I've been with you for five years and you give me this worthless cup of sludge?" Sean asked as he throws the coffee in a potted plant.
"Sean! Are you crazy?! You'll kill the flowers!" Taylor exclaimed.
"Ha! So you admit it, your coffee really is murder!" Sean yelled out.
"Well, that's a bit harsh." Taylor said.
"You know, the neighbor across the street makes the best coffee on the block. It's much better than yours." Sean said.
"You're just saying that because she's hot and… she's in the house now and she's serving you and Lucas some coffee." Taylor said.
Suddenly, porn actress Gizelle Blanco appears in sexy lingerie as she pours Sean and Lucas a cup of coffee while sexy porno music plays in the background.
"Would you two like some coffee?" Gizelle asked.
"Sure." Sean said with a smile on his face.
"Oh, hell yeah." Lucas said.
"Sean, how could you?" Taylor asked.
"I'm sorry, Taylor. I'm gonna have to agree with Sean on this one. Your coffee tastes like ass." Lucas said.
"Oh, really?" Taylor asked as she crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "Hey Sean, remember when I got you a PS5 when you had a difficult time looking for one?"
"Yeah, why?" Sean asked.
"Well, let's just say that I erased your saved game data on the Final Fantasy VII Remake." Taylor said with a mischievous smirk on her face.
"You did what?!" Sean yelled out as he got up from off of the couch and ran downstairs to his entertainment room.
Suddenly, Taylor sits down on the couch while Gizelle pours her a cup of coffee.
"Serves him right for screwing with me." Taylor said
"You deleted his saved game file, did you?" Lucas asked.
"Nope. I wanted to teach him a lesson on what happens when you talk bad about my coffee. He's lucky that I didn't poison it. But I did run over his complete series set of Star Trek: The Next Generation." Taylor said.
Lucas then turned to the camera and smiles directly at it.
"Folgers. Saving relationships since the '60s." Lucas said.
(TV static transitions to: Warner Bros. Catalog commercial circa 1989)
(The commercial opens with the animated version of the Warner Bros. logo)
Daffy Duck (Voiced by Jeff Bergman): (V/O) Hold it! Hold it right there!
(We cut to Daffy Duck after we see the Warner Bros. logo)
"Oh, man. Now talk about a classic commercial and we've got to talk about this." Sean said with a smile on his face.
"Okay, let's say that you're watching Batman on VHS. What's the one commercial that you see before the movie starts?" Lucas asked.
(Cut to the Diet Coke commercial)
Alfred (Played by Michael Gough) Yes, Gotham Corner Store. We seem to be down to our last Diet Coke.
"Okay, besides the Diet Coke commercial. What's the second thing that you see before the movie starts?" Lucas asked.
(The 1985 Warner Home Video logo is shown)
"Okay, you clowns are a bunch of asshats." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, after the Diet Coke ad and before the Warner Home Video logo, this little commercial has been shown before you watch a movie. You see the commercial in VHS tapes like Batman, Lethal Weapon 2 and The Rookie… (The poster to the 2002 Disney movie The Rookie, starring Dennis Quaid is shown) Okay, wrong movie. I'm talking about… (The poster of the 2018 TV show starring Nathan Fillion is shown.
"Oh, Jesus Christ." Sean said, getting annoyed as he makes a facepalm.
"Okay, Sean was talking about the 1990 film starring Clint Eastwood and Charlie "Winning" Sheen." Lucas said.
(The poster of the 1990 action comedy The Rookie is shown starring Clint Eastwood and Charlie Sheen)
"That's the one." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) And man, what a memorable commercial it is. It starts off with the Warner Bros. logo when suddenly Daffy Duck stops the film to see if we're ready to watch the movie.
Daffy Duck: Let's see if you're really ready to watch this movie.
(An official movie watchers checklist is added into the scene with a paintbrush and the following items are checked off)
Daffy Duck: Okay, popcorn? Check. Soft drink? Check. Warner Bros. ball cap? Aha! You can't watch a Warner Bros. movie without a Warner Bros. ball cap.
"Why not? I got away with watching films from Warner Bros. without a Warner Bros. ball cap and you're telling me that I can't watch a movie without one? You do realize I was born in 1992, ya dumb duck?" Sean asked.
"Now, I'm pretty sure that Bugs Bunny has something to say about that." Lucas said.
Bugs Bunny (Also voiced by Jeff Bergman): Listen, duck. What if they ordered a Warner Bros. ball cap so they have it next time?
Daffy Duck: Well, uh…
Bugs Bunny: Here's all you have to do, folks. Just send for this.
(Bugs clears his throat and snaps his fingers. A Warner Bros. catalog with the Bat-Symbol on the cover is added by a paintbrush)
Bugs Bunny: A new Warner Bros. catalog. Use it to order your Warner Bros. ball cap.
"Hey, that sounds like an excellent idea. What else can we order besides the Warner Bros. ball cap?" Sean asked.
Bugs Bunny: And while you're at it you can order stuff like t-shirts, (A t-shirt is painted onto Bugs and the catalog is erased from out of Bugs' hand and a poster is replaced) posters, (a movie book is painted into the scene replacing the carrot in Bugs' other hand) movie books, ties…
(The paintbrush paints a rope tied around Bugs)
Bugs Bunny: That's neckties!
(The artist erases the rope and the t-shirt, then paints a necktie on Bugs)
"I guess Bugs Bunny doesn't like getting tied up. The only one that loves getting tied up is Lola Bunny's fine ass." Lucas said.
"Damn! I knew that those two were into some kinky shit." Sean said.
(Cut to the first version of the commercial with Mel Blanc voicing the Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck from 1988)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, I would just like to point out that there's the first version of the commercial with the late Mel Blanc voicing Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. After Blanc's passing in 1989, he was replaced by another voice acting legend Jeff Bergman. Heck, some of the lines even sound different when you hear them side to side.
(Cut to the Mel Blanc version)
Bugs Bunny (Voiced by Mel Blanc): A free Warner Bros. catalog. Use it to order your Warner Bros. ball cap. And while you're at it, you can order stuff like t-shirts, posters, videos, ties./It's all in the catalog, which you can get free by dialing this 800 number.
Daffy Duck (Also voiced by Mel Blanc): No, no! They have to call now! They can't watch the movie until they order their free catalog.
(Cut to the Jeff Bergman version)
Bugs Bunny: A new Warner Bros. catalog. Use it to order your Warner Bros. ball cap. And while you're at it, you can order stuff like t-shirts, posters, movie books, ties./It's all in the catalog, which can get now by dialing this 900 number.
Daffy Duck: No, no! They have to call now! They can't watch the movie until they order their new catalog.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you could tell the difference.
(Cut to another Warner Bros. catalog commercial from 1991)
Lucas: (Narrating) Now, there was another commercial from 1991 and it features Daffy Duck roaming around Warner Bros. studios and he loves being recognized by wearing his Warner Bros. t-shirt and a few other goodies if you call the number. But don't get him confused with Donald Duck. But this is the one that we all remember watching from the Batman VHS, making it another memorable and hilarious commercial.
Daffy Duck: No, no! They have to call now! They can't watch the movie until they order their new catalog.
(The artist erases Daffy's body)
Daffy Duck: (Sees that his body has been erased, then glares at Bugs) You're despicable!
(Daffy's head gets erased while the Looney Tunes theme plays and we cut to the number)
Bugs Bunny: Don't forget to call, folks.
We cut to both Sean and Lucas, who are both wearing a Warner Bros. Ball Cap, Warner Bros T-shirt and Batman pajama pants. They look at one another for a little while before they look back to the camera looking a little speechless.
"We… really got problems." Sean muttered out.
(TV static transitions to: Old Spice commercials featuring Terry Crews from 2010)
(The commercial opens with two men standing in a locker room. The first guy with glasses is wearing a blue polo shirt and khaki jeans while Terry Crews is seen wearing only a towel while holding a bottle of Old Spice Odor Blocker body wash)
Guy With Glasses: Old Spice body wash can't block odor for 16 hours.
Terry Crews: What?!
(His left arm extends off-screen and knocks out the guy with the glasses when it enters the scene)
Terry Crews: This one does, dummy! It's super-powerful Odor Blocker body wash! (Screams)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, man! If you remember seeing these commercials, then you're awesome. If you don't, then I should knock you out. Before Deon Cole became the new spokesperson for Old Spice while dealing with women having their hands all over his body wash, the idea of having Terry Jeffords from Brooklyn Nine-Nine advertise Old Spice body wash, he is given one hell of a campaign, and boy, it's one of the wildest commercials I have ever seen in my life.
(Cut to an ad showing Terry Crews standing in the bathroom screaming while he's sitting on top of a stuffed tiger while the tiger screams as well)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, when you hear somebody screaming in your bathroom or in the locker room about how powerful the body wash is, this is the go-to guy.
(Cut to another ad where Terry Crews is in the park)
Terry Crews: Odor Blocking body wash is so powerful it can block b.o. for 16 hours! It's so powerful, it can turn off the sun.
(It suddenly gets dark when the sun is turned off)
Terry Crews: (V/O) But then it gets too cold, so it makes another sun!
(It gets brighter when another sun pops up)
Terry Crews: (Yells) DOUBLE SUN POWER!
Lucas: (Narrating) These are some of the most hilarious commercials that I have ever seen in my life. He's like the Kool-Aid Man jacked up on steroids. You'll never know when he's going to make stuff blow up with his loud, booming voice.
(Cut to another ad)
Terry Crews: (Yells as the camera zooms out) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…
Sean and Lucas both imitate Terry Crews by yelling
Terry Crews: OOOOOOOLD SPICE BODY BLOCKER BODY WASH HAS 16-HOURS OF B.O. BLOCKING POWERRRRRRRRRRRR!
(The camera zooms in on his armpit, showing him standing inside his armpit as while the camera zooms in on his armpit and we see him sitting on a lounge chair next to another man who is sitting on another lounge chair right before he stops yelling)
Man: (Sniffs) Sure smells good in here.
Terry Crews: That's because it blocks (Yells) …..
We cut back to Sean and Lucas as they continue to yell like Terry Crews until Taylor enters the living room.
"Jesus Christ, will you two shut up?! The neighbors are complaining about the yelling and screaming coming from the house and not to mention the random explosions." Taylor said as an explosion sound is heard from outside.
(A sound clip from SpongeBob SquarePants is heard)
Fred (Voiced by Mr. Lawrence): MY LEG!
"Oops." Lucas said.
"Oh, boy. Hey, that's the power of Terry Crews." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, if there's any way to add Terry Crews in Super Smash Bros., I would definitely play as him. Hell, him yelling would be his finisher.
Terry Crews: Old Spice Odor Blocker body wash!
(The word "ODOR" appears on-screen multiple times while Terry blocks it while saying the word "Block" repeatedly)
Terry Crews: Block odor for 16-HOURS!
(Terry starts shaking his pecs)
Lucas: (Narrating) Hell, body wash so powerful, it can make his pecs bounce from how fresh it makes him. Now, the people who were responsible for directing the commercials was directed by Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim, who are known for the best shows on Adult Swim like Tom Goes to the Mayor, Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule and Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories. If they can come up with something that bizarre, this is one of them.
Terry Crews: Old Spice Odor Blocker body wash is so powerful it can block B.O. for 16-hours. It's blocking power is as powerful as me!
(He starts flexing his muscles)
Voice: Yeah it is.
Terry Crews: Who said that?
(An arm pops out of his right bicep and points at his left bicep)
Terry Crews: Was that my left bicep? No, it was my….
Terry's Abs: Abdominals!
Sean: (Narrating) These are some of the weirdest and most bizarre and hilarious ads I've ever seen in my life, and this is coming from Tim and Eric themselves. If you haven't seen them, then go check them out and some of the other Old Spice ads from 2011 and 2012 in a couple of commercials. You'll have a great laugh from watching them.
Terry Crews: P-P-P-P-P-P-POWER!
(An explosion is seen)
Taylor: (V/O) SEAN!
Sean: (V/O) It wasn't me!
(TV static transitions to: Don't Put It In Your Mouth PSA circa 1992)
(The commercial opens with the Concerned Children's Advertisers logo)
Announcer: A message from Concerned Children's Advertisers.
"Oh, hey. Look. It's a commercial from Canada. Why am I not looking forward to seeing this one? What is it going to involve? You know, the last commercial from Canada that we saw was…" Sean said.
(Cut to the WSIB's Top Chef PSA where we see the female chef's burnt face and scream)
"AAAH! AAAH! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! NEVER SHOW THAT AGAIN! Lucas screamed out loud while he covered his eyes.
"Yeah, that. Okay. Let's see what they have in store for us." Sean said.
Announcer: Why do you think mommy or daddy are always telling you, "Don't put that in your mouth?"
(Two light fuzzy puppets appear on-screen. One is a boy with a baseball cap and the other is a girl with a pink bow and a pink dress)
"What the fuckity fuck? Hey, watch it! This is a family program here." Sean said.
Boy Puppet: (Sings) Don't you put it in your mouth.
Girl Puppet: (Sings) Don't you put it in your mouth.
Boy Puppet: (Sings) Don't you stuff it in your face.
Girl Puppet: (Sings) Don't stuff it in your face.
"Oh, goddamn it." Lucas said as he buried his hands in his face.
Boy Puppet: Though it might look good to eat.
Girl Puppet: Though it might look good to eat.
Boy Puppet: And it might look good to taste.
Girl Puppet: And it might look good to taste.
Sean then grabs a bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey and a whiskey glass while he continues to watch the commercial with an annoyed look on his face before turning his attention to the whiskey glass.
"Yeah, I'm probably going to need the bottle. So much for me quitting drinking." Sean said as he opens the bottle of Jameson and turns his attention to Lucas. "Want some?
"No, thanks. I'm good." Lucas said.
Both Puppets: You could get sick! Ick! Reeaaal quick! Ick! Real sick, real ick!
Girl Puppet: Don't you put it in your mouth.
Boy Puppet: Uh-uh.
(Cut to a close-up shot of the girl puppet's face and the boy puppet's face)
Girl Puppet: Till you ask someone you love.
Boy Puppet: That's right, sis!
"Nevermind! Pour me a glass. That close-up shot of the puppets did it for me." Lucas said while he raised the whiskey glass.
Sean: (Narrating) God, you should tell that to the kids on the Monster Cookies commercial.
(Cut to the Monster Cookie commercial, where we see the monster put the cookie in the kid's mouth)
Monster: Have a cookie.
(Cut back to the PSA)
Boy Puppet: (Sings) Don't you put it in your mouth.
Girl Puppet: (Sings) Don't you put it in your mouth.
"Oh, God. Why me?" Sean asked.
All Puppets: (Singing) If you don't know just what it is…
Boy and Girl Puppet: Remember, boys and girls…
All Puppets: (Singing) …don't put it in your mooouuuth! Ick!
Lion Puppet: Always ask someone you love before you put it in your mouth.
"Unless it's the person you love or a really hot chick in a Brazzers." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Canada… what the fuck were you thinking?
All Puppets: (Singing) …don't put it in your mooouuuth! Ick!
Lion Puppet: Always ask someone you love before you put it in your mouth.
(Cut to the Monster Cookies commercial showing the monster putting the cookie in the kid's mouth)
Monster: (V/O) Have a cookie.
(TV static transitions to: Superman "Never Say Yes to a Cigarette" PSA from 1980)
(The commercial opens with a comic book panel. The camera zooms in on the panel and in the top right corner, it reads "Somewhere in Metropolis" and we see a group of kids playing until a shadowy figure appears)
Sean: (Narrating) Now here's a little PSA from Britain….
"Oh, great. Okay, ladies and gentlemen. We all know the drill. It's a PSA from Britain." Sean said as he rolled his eyes in disgust.
"Oh, let me guess. Is it going to involve kids getting shot in the head or kids getting electrocuted or threatening poor, defenseless dogs with guns?" Lucas asked.
"I swear, these crazy PSAs from Britain are becoming a running gag for this show just like Hulk Hogan." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) In this PSA, we see a group of kids in Metropolis who are just playing around and having some fun until this creepy guy shows up.
(We see the man, known as "Nick O'Teen", trying to give cigarettes to children while smoking a cigarette)
Nick O'Teen: Come on, kids. If you want to grow up fast, take one of these! (Laughs maniacally)
"Oh, sweet Jesus." Lucas said, looking scared.
"I think this guy was the Monster from the Monster Cookies commercial. Now, he's offering kids cigarettes." Sean said.
Suddenly, the Monster arm pops up and shoves a cookie into Lucas' mouth.
Brian: (V/O as Monster) Have a cookie.
Lucas sputters and pulls out his SPAS-12 shotgun while pointing it at the monster. "The flying fuck! Give me a reason! GIVE ME A FUCKING REASON!"
Nick O'Teen: One puff and they'll soon be in my grasp.
Lucas: (Narrating) He gets ready to give them a cigarette, until their savior shows up to save the day.
(The wind blows out the flame on the match and Superman swoops in)
Children: It's Superman! Hooray!
Superman: Not so fast, Nick O'Teen. (Grabs Nick O'Teen) If you want to go up fast, take one of these!
(Superman sends Nick O'Teen flying by throwing him up into the air)
Superman: With my X-Ray vision, I can see the harm cigarettes do inside people's bodies. (Crushes the cigarettes) That's why I never say "yes" to a cigarette.
"Okay, Superman saving the day by telling kids that it's not okay to smoke cigarettes. Brilliant! Friggin' brilliant!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) When have you ever seen a superhero saving children from the dangers of smoking? This is awesome. And yet, they choose Superman. (A picture of Batman is shown) Sure, you would think that Batman would tell children that cigarettes are bad, but he would be too menacing for the children. So, they stuck with children.
(Cut to another PSA, where Superman stops Nick O'Teen)
Little Girl: Superman, is it hard to give up smoking or is easy like Nick O'Teen says?
Superman: You no-good windbag, Nick O'Teen!
(Superman crushes the cigarettes in front of Nick O'Teen)
Nick O'Teen: No, no, Superman! Leave me one! Please! I need one!
(Nick O'Teen starts coughing up black smoke and the children cover their mouths)
Children: Ewww!
"Careful, kids! His power is chronic cigarette cough… or it could be Covid. But still, keep away from that guy." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Also, don't you just love how Superman just throws Nick O'Teen's ass up in the like it was nothing?
(We cut to Superman throwing Nick O'Teen up into the sky)
Lucas: (Narrating) Don't you just wish that he would just throw villains up into the sky for being evil? The whole world would be a better place. Or if it was Regime Superman, he would've killed Nick O'Teen the same way he killed The Joker.
Sean: (V/O as Superman) You're giving cigarettes to children? YOU MUST DIE!
(Superman throws Nick O'Teen up into the sky)
Sean: (Narrating) Also, I would just like to say that the animation looks smooth. Everybody looks great, the city of Metropolis looks great. It's amazing. The person who directed the PSA was the late Richard Williams…
(A picture of Richard Williams, the former tennis coach and father of Venus and Serena Williams is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) No, not that Richard Williams, who was portrayed by this guy. (A picture of Will Smith is shown. Then, a picture of animator Richard Williams is shown) This guy. Yep, animator Richard Williams directed these little PSAs and if you're familiar with Williams' work or if you're not, then let me remind you that he's done the animation for Who Framed Roger Rabbit, one of my favorite films of all time. And he also worked on that freaky-as-hell Raggedy Ann movie and of course, this movie…
(A poster for the movie The Thief and the Cobbler is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, a movie that the Nostalgia Critic reviewed on his show and that movie sucked. But Roger Rabbit is way better. His animation looks amazing and if you haven't seen any of his work, then go check it out. Sadly, Richard Williams passed away at the age of 86 back in 2019 and for those of us who grew up watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit, we were devastated. These PSAs will be memorable and so will Mr. Williams and this is why you should say "yes" to an awesome PSA.
Superman: That is why I never say "yes" to a cigarette.
(A clip from Superman: The Movie is shown)
Lois Lane (Played by Margot Kidder): Don't tell me. Lung cancer, right?
(TV static transitions to: Super Mario Kart commercial circa 1992)
(The commercial opens as a group of racers are racing on top of the letter "I" and "O", before backing away to reveal the Super Mario Kart logo.)
Narrator: And now today's traffic report from Super Mario Kart.
Racing Announcer: It's a real race out there today folks, people are driving like animals!
"Ah, the game that launched thousands of deadly car accidents!" Sean smirked out.
Lucas: (Narrator) Okay, this game really needs no introduction. This is what we '90s kids know back then as Super Mario Kart. The very game that marked Mario's first foray into the sports gaming world. And no, being referees for Tennis and Mike Tyson's Punch-Out doesn't count.
(Clips of Super Mario Kart gameplay play in a montage while the Super Mario Kart theme plays in the background.)
Sean: (Narrating) Released upon the world in 1992 for the Super Nintendo, Super Mario Kart became an instant smash hit because of it's fun racing mechanics, exciting gameplay, fun-as-hell battle mode and quite responsible for giving birth to a franchise that is still strong to this very day, what with the release of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe in 2017.
"And would you honestly believe that game is still getting a lot of updates as of 2023?" Sean gasped to the camera, "I swear, this game has a shelf life longer than Betty White!"
"Hell, it's got a shelf life longer than any episode of The Simpsons and WWE Monday Night RAW put together!" Lucas exclaimed, "You can't stop Mario Kart. It's that damn good!"
(Bowser is driving right behind Mario as he prepares to throw a Green Shell at Mario. Then we get a split-screen showing the race. Bowser throws the shell at Mario, but Mario ducks down and the shell is hurled back at Bowser, hitting him)
Racing Announcer: The turnpike's split in two and a turtle shell is making driving impossible for one motorist.
"Well, that plan backfired on Bowser. What was he trying to prove?" Sean asked.
Sean: (V/O as Bowser) Eat shell, you lousy piece of… (as the shell hits Bowser) OH, FUCK NUGGETS!
(Cut to Mario and Yoshi driving alongside each other through the Ghost Valley course with Mario bumping into Yosh and Yoshi bumping into Mario's rear wheel. Both of them make a shocked look on their faces when they come across the Thwomps in Bowser's Castle. We then get a split-screen shot of the Thwomps on the top and Mario swerving past them to avoid getting crushed while Yoshi gets crushed)
Racing Announcer: Over on the freeway, it's bumper to bumper, door to door, wheel to wheel, you name it! And check your rear view, some blockheads are causing major delays. There's already been one accident there!
"Damn, no love for Yoshi. I mean, it's bad enough that he's not in the movie. You gotta have him getting crushed by a Thwomp block." Lucas said.
"#StopTheYoshiHate." Sean said.
"I'm with you on that, broski." Lucas said. "Let's not forget about the time that Mario tripped him while him Pikachu and Donkey Kong were walking down the field of flowers."
(Cut to the Super Smash Bros. commercial, where we see Mario tripping Yoshi)
(Afterwards, we cut to Koopa Beach, where Donkey Kong Jr. is driving right behind Princess Peach with a smile on his face and making grabby hands. Princess Peach then throws a banana peel at Donkey Kong Jr., which makes him drive uncontrollably and drive off a log bridge and into the water)
Racing Announcer: And watch out over on I-94, a banana peel is making things a little slippery. And that's Traffic!
"What the hell is up with Donkey Kong Jr.?" Sean asked.
(Cut back to Donkey Kong Jr. making grabby hands at Princess Peach)
Sean: (Narrating) What's with the grabby hands and that perverted smile that he's making at Princess Peach while he's driving behind her? Was he trying to grab her sweet peach? I mean, Jesus! You can tell by the look on his face that he wants that booty. Yeah, that's the same look that I make when I see Alexis Texas showing off that big, juicy ass of hers.
"Well, there is a XXX parody from Brazzers with Harley Jade as Princess Peach." Lucas said to Sean before turning his attention to the camera. "And yes, it exists as well as the other porn parodies of Super Mario Bros. I'm surprised that they haven't made a porn parody of Fire Emblem yet."
Lucas: (Narrating) Also, don't you just love how energetic the racing announcer is?
Racing Announcer: It's a real race out there today folks, people are driving like animals!/The turnpike's split in two and a turtle shell is making driving impossible for one motorist./Over on the freeway, it's bumper to bumper, door to door, wheel to wheel, you name it! And check your rear view, some blockheads are causing major delays. There's already been one accident there!
Lucas: (Narrating) That guy sounds like he could announce every action scene in a movie.
Racing Announcer: The turnpike's split in two and a turtle shell is making driving impossible for one motorist. Over on the freeway, it's bumper to bumper, door to door, wheel to wheel, you name it! And check your rear view, some blockheads are causing major delays. There's already been one accident there!
(Cut to a clip from Lethal Weapon 2)
Lucas: (V/O as Racing Announcer) And over on the freeway, we see the LAPD getting into a shootout with some South African drug runners, causing some serious delay. And some bozo brought a helicopter to the party! I tell ya, this is one ugly scene.
(Cut to Die Hard With A Vengeance)
Lucas: (V/O) And watch out, there's some bozo in a taxi cab speeding through the streets of New York and through Central Park. I think a clown just got hit by the guy. What a maniac!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Lucas: (Narrating) Super Mario Kart. It was Twisted Metal before Twisted Metal became a thing.
"And if you're asking, Mario Kart Double Dash on GameCube still RIPS." Sean said, holding up a copy of Mario Kart: Double Dash on the GameCube to the camera.
"Fight us on this one, haters." Lucas replied with his arms folded, "We all DARE YOU."
Narrator: With two-player split-screen action, you've never been in a race like this. Super Mario Kart, only for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. No wonder the best play here!
(A clip of the show Breaking Bad plays.)
Walter White (played by Bryan Cranston): You're goddamn right.
(TV static transitions to: Mentos commercials from the 90s)
Singers: (Singing) Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do, do-waaaah!
Sean: (Narating) Hey, remember this little commercial with a memorable tune that you tend to sing out loud? And yes, these commercials were made in the 90s.
Lucas: (Narrating) For anyone who hasn't seen these commercials, then you should get nuked. Mentos is the candy that helps solve every little problem with one little answer. And the person who has Mentos tends to make everything okay.
(We cut to a Mentos commercial, where we see a guy in a suit sitting on a bench and gets paint all over his suit. He then pops a Mentos in his mouth and he rolls around the bench to make his suit look like a pinstripe suit)
Singer: (Sings) Nothing gets to you, stayin' fresh, stayin' cool, with Mentos fresh and full of life!
"Oh, look at that. He got paint all over his suit and now he's starting his new job as Pinstripe Potoroo." Lucas said as a picture of the guy in the Mentos commercial is shown next to a picture of Pinstripe Potoroo from Crash Bandicoot.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, everybody remembers these commercials. But I just don't get how Mentos could help solve every problem.
(Another commercial is shown, showing a blonde-haired guy, who eats a Mentos, entering the back of a man's car and passes through while the man in the car notices while he's on his car phone and his friends cheer him on. He then leaves the car and pops another Mentos and smiles at the man)
Singer: (Sings) Fresh goes better! Mentos freshness! Fresh goes better! With Mentos fresh and full of life!
(The Mentos logo and slogan is shown)
Announcer: Mentos! The Freshmaker!
"Holy shit! It's Mentos! It's the answer to life's little problems!" Sean exclaimed. "My life would be so much better with Mentos." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(As the Mentos theme plays, we see Sean, playing an angry boyfriend as we see him sitting in his Ford Explorer while looking at pictures of his girlfriend, played by Taylor, after he overhears sounds coming from the other end of the phone, thinking that she's cheating on him with another man. Sean then eats a Mentos and feels better as he gets out of the car and enters his house while he's armed with a silenced Desert Eagle. The next thing we know, the angry boyfriend heads upstairs and kicks the bedroom door open and points his gun at Taylor while she's in bed with another woman, who has blonde hair and blue eyes and she's wearing a matching pink lacy bra and panties, she's played by adult film star Kenna James. Sean's eyes widened in surprise and a big smile appears on his face as he raises his hands in joy and yells out "YES!". Suddenly, another woman, who's extremely cute and wearing just a red towel wrapped around her body and glasses on her face steps out of the bathroom, she's played by another adult film star Katie Kush. Sean sees the other woman and turns to the camera and smiles naughtily while showing the Mentos)
Singers: Doo-doo-doo-doo, do-do, do-waaaah! It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life, with Mentos fresh and full of life! Nothing gets to you, stayin' fresh, stayin' cool, with Mentos fresh and full of life! Fresh goes better! Mentos freshness! Fresh goes better with Mentos! Fresh and full of life!
(The Mentos logo and slogan is shown)
Announcer: Mentos! The Freshmaker!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
(Back to the commercials, showing a blonde-haired woman fixing a broken shoe by breaking the heels off. Then, another one is shown featuring a guy pretending to be one of band members to enter a rock concert)
Lucas: (Narrating) You'll still be humming this catchy tune and these commercials will sure help you with your little problems… even if it means beating the system.
Singer: (Sings) Fresh goes better with Mentos! Fresh and full of life!
Announcer: Mentos! The Freshmaker!
(TV static transitions to: Extreme Championship Wrestling "Get Extreme" action figure commercial circa 1999)
(The commercial opens with a closeup of a Tazz action figure, which is soon followed by a Justin Credible action figure hitting a Tommy Dreamer action figure, and then follows it up with a Tommy Dreamer action figure hitting the Tazz action figure from the top rope.)
Joey Styles (Narrator): It's time to get extreme with ECW, Extreme Championship Wrestling!
"Ah, something cool I've never heard of besides the video game they actually had." Sean smirked, "Since Lucas knows his wrestling, I'll let him tell you about this little piece of extreme we have here!"
"Hell yeah!" Lucas said as he dug out a big garbage can from the couch.
And then he threw that garbage can off-screen, followed by a big "BONK" occurring off-screen as well.
"OW!" Oliver said off-screen.
Lucas then looked to the screen and smirked, "Please ignore that."
(Clips of various ECW matches play in a montage while the ECW theme by Harry Slash and the Slashtones are playing in the background.)
Lucas: (Narrator) For any wrestling fan who wasn't born in the 1990's know what this is, this is what we call Extreme Championship Wrestling, or ECW for short. Right as WWE and WCW were having their popular Monday Night wars against each other on TV. ECW became a rogue wrestling promotion that appealed to the most 'hardcore' wrestling fan. Whereas WWE and WCW were appealed to kids and adults of all ages, ECW was appealed to the hardcore adults who wanted to see the only things that made ECW famous: Blood, violence, and a whole lot of barbed wire. You see all the crazy shit WWE and All Elite Wrestling they do nowadays such as diving off high platforms and making people bleed by hitting them with weapons and all? It was all because of Extreme Championship Wrestling.
Sean: (Narrating) The only knowledge I ever have of ECW was that it had a video game for the PlayStation and Nintendo 64 called ECW Hardcore Revolution and it plays just like WWF Attitude. Why not have it play like any of the WWE games THQ made on the N64 like No Mercy? Those kicked ass.
"And so did ECW," Lucas nodded to the camera, "Plus, without them, we couldn't have such things like these."
(A clip of the Super Humman video "Butt Buster Onto Barbed Wire Wheelbarrel" plays.)
Super Humman: Fuck this shit!
(Super Humman dives off the short ledge and crashes onto the barbed wire wheelbarrow, screaming in pain.)
"Now that… is extreme." Sean said, pointing out to the camera.
Joey Styles/Narrator: Rob Van Dam, Justin Credible, Tommy Dreamer!
Tazz: It's time for the Tazzmission!
(The Rob Van Dam action figure performs a Military Press slam on the Tazz action figure, which sends the Tazz action figure plummeting onto a table.)
Joey Styles/Narrator: Van Dam pushes Tazz through that table!
(Clip switches to Tazz performing a Tazzplex to Rhyno on the table.)
"Now that's what we're talking about right there." Lucas smirked. "You don't need to add any jokes into this commercial, all it takes is just action figures beating the crap out of each other and you got a commercial that's filled to the extreme!"
"Don't worry everyone, we will find a joke to make about this piece of extreme shown right here." Sean replied, "Hopefully, it will be more fun than David Arquette's wrestling career."
The sound of boos are then heard into the background, which ended up annoying Sean in irritating fashion.
"That's right, haters. You know I went there." Sean nodded to the camera.
Joey Styles: Looks like another ECW tag team tug-of-war!
(Joey Styles is then pushed aside by Justin Credible.)
Justin Credible: Spicolli Driver!
(The Tommy Dreamer action figure is shown body slamming the Justin Credible action figure.)
"Oh, hi there, poor man's Jason Statham." Sean said, waving to the camera. "Didn't expect to see you there. Loved you in that Transporter bootleg, by the way."
Joey Styles: Oh no, it's the Van Daminator!
(A clip of Rob Van Dam doing the Van Daminator kick to the chair on Bubba Ray Dudley's face is shown, followed by Joey Styles backing away while flinching. A clip of Rob Van Dam doing his signature Five Star Frog Splash on Jerry Lynn is shown next, followed by a Rob Van Dam action figure splashing on top of the Lance Storm action figure.)
Rob Van Dam: Witness a five-star splash!
"Oh nice, it's the guy from the 7-11 commercial we did!" Sean exclaimed. "Shame I didn't get that collector cup of his."
Lucas then replied with a grin, "I heard he still has one in his house. He mostly fills that cup with hash in it nowadays."
"He does?" Sean turned to Lucas.
"And he also guest starred on City Guys once with the new voice of Crash Bandicoot." Lucas replied, referring to Scott Whyte.
Sean: (Narrator) Yeah, watching this extreme commercial nowadays, you honestly wonder to yourself, "Why couldn't life be more like this?" Just imagine that already.
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(We see Sean sitting on the couch as Oliver joins him with a Pepsi in hands. Oliver of course hands Sean a diet Pepsi.)
Sean: Hey, how come I got a diet Pepsi? I thought you told me we had two Pepsi's left.
Oliver: We did. One of them was diet, and I had the other Pepsi for lunch.
(In a fit of rage, Sean then hits Oliver upside the head with the Diet Pepsi bottle. Lucas then appears out of nowhere in the bedroom dressed like legendary wrestling commentator Joey Styles.)
Lucas/Joey Styles: Oh my, what a hit right upside the head. And I don't think Sean may be quite done with him just yet!
(Sean, who had been transformed into a stunt double, proceeds to drag the Oliver stunt double on top of the coffee table. And then without sudden warning, the Sean stunt double lifts the Oliver stunt double upside down before dropping him down onto the table with a piledriver, breaking it apart.)
Lucas/Joey Styles: OH MY GOOOOOD! Piledriver through the table by Sean The Hardcore Mayhem Critic! That's the kind of action you can expect here on MCCW, Mayhem Critic Championship Wrestling!
(The Sean stunt double then stands on top of the fallen Oliver stunt double, celebrating in victory.)
(Cutaway gag ends.)
"Ohhhhhhhh yeaaaaaaah…" Sean and Lucas grinned in a laid-back fashion.
Lucas: (Narrating) Extreme Championship Wrestling. You may have been short-lived. But damn it, your action figures are truly what they say you are… EXTREME.
(Clips of Sabu splashing on top of Tazz on top of the table, Jerry Lynn powerbombing Rob Van Dam through the table, and Justin Credible suplexing Tommy Dreamer through a table is shown in order.)
Joey Styles/Narrator: ECW Extreme Championship Wrestling figures and ring, each sold separately.
ECW Wrestlers: Get extreme!
Tazz: *holding up a Tazz action figure* ECW!
(TV static transitions to: Star Wars Atari Arcade game commercial from 1983)
(The commercial opens with a guy in a video store buying the Star Wars game)
Guy: Star Wars!
"And talking about a franchise that's everywhere." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, Star Wars was everywhere back them and it still is now. And before Star Wars Jedi: Survivor, Atari developed the awesome game that was in the arcade and just like every awesome arcade game, they get a home console port.
Guy: Man, it's great in the arcade.
(The guy starts playing the game and a cheesy 80s visual effect fireball whizzes past the man)
Guy: (Panicked) Whoa! TIE Fighters, fireballs, coming right at me! Watch the laser towers, aim for the tops.
Lucas: (Narrating) Whoa, dude! Calm down. It's not like Tempest had some threatening graphics. Hell, Cybermorph had more threatening graphics than this one.
Guy: Use the Force. Coming too fast! Which way? Which way? My shields are gone! All right, I'M GOING IN!
"Holy shit! Was that guy on the same drugs as the people from the Nestle Crunch commercial?" Sean asked.
(An explosion appears in front of the guy as he wins the game and screams in excitement and the scene cuts back to the cashier)
Cashier: Oh, some game, huh?
(The guy walks up to the cashier and his hair is big)
Guy: (Trying not to laugh) Some game!
"I need to do another line of coke. AHHHHHHHHHH!" Lucas screamed out as he imitates the guy from the commercial.
"Okay, I swear to Christ, if I hear another scream from either one of you, I will end you." Taylor said as she points an Uzi at Sean and Lucas.
"What? There are no explosions happening!" Lucas exclaimed.
"Don't test me." Taylor said in a threatening tone as Sean and Lucas both gulped in fear before turning to the camera.
"Anyway…" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I think Tony Montana wasn't even doing cocaine in Scarface. Hell, maybe he was on the Star Wars Atari drug this whole time instead of coke.
(A clip from Author, Author is shown. The caption "Before Star Wars Atari" is shown)
Ivan Travalian (Played by Al Pacino): I had a lousy day today. I turned 42, I fired a director, I beat my kids….
(His children look up, clearly alarmed)
Ivan Travalian: I forgot to beat my kids!
(A family pillow fight ensues in the living room)
(We then cut to a clip from Scarface and the caption "After Star Wars Atari" is shown as we see Tony Montana, on a drug-fueled rampage against Sosa's hit squad by gunning them down with a machine gun)
Tony Montana (Played by Al Pacino) Who you think you're fucking with, man? I'm Tony Montana! You fuck with me, you're fucking with the best!
Lucas: (Narrating) Star Wars on the Atari 2600. A commercial so ridiculous and hilarious, you might end up like this guy after playing it.
(The explosion part of the commercial is shown once more before cutting back to the cashier)
Cashier: Oh, some game, huh?
Guy: Some game!
Announcer: In a galaxy of video games, there is only one. Star Wars: The Arcade Game.
(Skylar from Cybermorph is shown)
Skylar: Where did YOU learn how to fly?
AVGN: (V/O) Shut up!
(TV static transitions to: The Federated Group commercial from 1985 starring Shadoe Stevens)
(The commercial opens up with the Federated Group logo appearing on the screen, followed by a blonde-haired man being strapped to dynamite all around him.)
Fred Rated (played by Shadoe Stevens): I'm Fred Rated. Listen to this commercial or I'll blow myself up.
"Well, that dude seems to be a colorful gentleman." Sean said.
"Ah, for a minute there, I thought he looked suicidal." Lucas smirked yet again.
(Clips of various Federated Group commercials play in a montage, all while the theme song to "The New Hollywood Squares" play in the background.)
Lucas: (Narrating) What we have right here is one of many commercials promoting The Federated Group department stores, and it has a crazy blonde-haired dude who looks like he skipped too many all-nighters while forgetting his coffee. He of course is played by famous legendary announcer Shadoe Stevens.
(Pictures of Shadoe Stevens is shown in a montage.)
Sean: (Narrating) For those of you who may not be familiar with this guy's work, this man is LEGIT when it comes to his voice. Not also is he best known as the man who replaced Casey Kasem as the host of American Top 40 for a short time for 1988 to 1995, but he was also best known for things like his role as Kenny Beckett on Dave's World, the announcer on Late Show With Craig Ferguson, and if you're also a game show fan, well… he was the announcer for this show too.
(A picture of the show "Hollywood Squares" is shown.)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this was the version hosted by John Davidson from "That's Incredible" and sadly not the one where Paul Lynde was included unfortunately.
(Back to the commercial.)
Lucas: (Narrating) So in this commercial, we got suicidal Fred Rated demanding the viewer that we watch this commercial or else he gets blown up into little itty bitty Shadoe Stevens bits. Does he do it? Let's unpause this and find out.
"Can you honestly imagine this guy being on a sick, demented version of Hollywood Squares, all while he's strapped in nothing more than dynamite?" Sean replied, "Hell, imagine that version with all the celebrities in that show strapped to dynamite. I kinda wonder what they would look like…"
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(We see the famous Hollywood Squares set from the mid-80's being shown with Lucas, Sean, Taylor, Brian, Oliver and Chad Knight being dressed up as celebrities, all while being shown strapped to dynamite inside their respective squares. In order, Brian is shown dressed up as Jim J. Bullock, Taylor is dressed up as Betty White, Oliver is dressed up as James B. Sikking, Lucas in a dual role is dressed up as Ronald McDonald, Chad Knight is dressed up as a zombified Paul Lynde, Oliver in a dual role is dressed up as Kirk Cameron, Sean is dressed up as Ringo Starr, Brian in another dual role is dressed up as The Iron Sheik and Lucas in another dual role is dressed up like Fred Rated from The Federated Group commercials
Lucas/Fred Rated: From the center square, that one gay guy from the '70s who came back as a zombie! From the upper left square, the guy from "Too Close For Comfort"! From the upper center square, the old chick from "Golden Girls"! From the upper right square, the guy who played Lt. Howard Hunter from "Hill Street Blues"! From the middle left square, Ronald McDonald! From the middle right square, the actor-turned-religious nutbag from "Growing Pains"!
(The zombified gay guy then tackles the religious nutbag to the ground.)
Lucas/Fred Rated: From the lower left square, the other guy from the Beatles that's not Lennon, McCarthy or Harrison! From the lower center square, that fat Iranian wrestler with the mustache! And me, I'm Fred Rated, we're completely fucked and we are… the Hostage Squares!
(The Hostage Squares sign is shown.)
Lucas/Fred Rated: And now here's your host, JOOOOOOOOOOOHN–
(The squares start to explode with a big boom and the static immediately gets cut off.)
(Cutaway gag ends.)
"Yeah, we forgot to add about the part where this is the version in which if you say a certain person's name, they explode and die." Sean replied.
Sean: (Narrating) I wonder what Fred Rated is trying to sell us. Unless he's trying to sell us the collector's edition of Final Fantasy XVI, then I'm instantly sold.
(A Fisher audio system is shown while a bunch of hands are showing it off and some guy is pointing at it)
Fred Rated: Now go get this: a complete Fisher audio system 100 watts and channel integrated amp double cassette deck chords AM/FM tuner turntable and speakers all for $798.31. (Puts his hand on the TNT plunger) Are you listening?
"Uh, yeah, yeah. I'm listening. You said something about me reviewing a movie featuring Fisher Stevens? I'm sorry, you were talking too fast for me, dude." Sean said.
(Then, a Mondo audio system is shown while the hands are pointing at it while some guy is making shadow puppets)
Fred Rated: Or the Mondo System 150 watts and channel, 250 linear tracking turntable double-cassette deck, grab the equalizer, digital compact disc and speakers…
"Okay, I would definitely love that in my house." Lucas said.
"Yeah, me too. Man, I'll be listening to ZZ Top with the volume turned up high." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) I just love how he's making sure that we're listening to him because if we don't listen to him, then it won't be a pretty sight to see pieces of him all over the place.
We cut to Sean and Lucas as we both see them falling asleep on the couch while Fred Rated is busy talking.
Fred Rated: (On TV) Now go get this: a complete Fisher audio system 100 watts and channel integrated amp double cassette deck chords AM/FM tuner turntable and speakers all for $798.31. Are you listening?
Sean and Lucas both wake up at the same time.
"Huh? What?" Sean asked.
"Uh, yeah, yeah. I'm listening!" Lucas exclaimed.
"Just don't blow yourself up. We'll listen to what you're trying to sell us." Sean said.
Fred Rated: And that's $1992.10 at Federated. You find it all at Federated.
(Fred sees that the fly has landed on the TNT plunger. He hits the fly, which pushes down on the plunger. He then makes a shocked look on his face after realizing what he has done, then we cut to an explosion)
"Oh, you… you… you… Red Forman, take it over for me." Sean said.
(A clip from That 70's Show is shown)
Red Forman (Played by Kurtwood Smith): DUMBASS!
"Thank you." Sean said.
"I was thinking the same thing too." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, that was some Looney Tunes-type shit right there. How do you even manage to blow yourself up when you're trying to kill a fly? That is pure stupidity right there. Hell, he was going to do something crazy to sell stuff. Hey. buy this awesome stereo system or I'll blow the everloving shit out of myself. That's one hell of a sales pitch right there. And yet, he foolishly blew himself up.
"Okay, it's been awhile since I used this running gag, but I'm gonna use it anyway." Sean said.
Fred Rated: You find it all at Federated.
(Fred hits the fly, which pushes down on the plunger. He then makes a shocked look on his face after realizing what he has done. The image freezes on his face and the screen turns to black & white)
Sean: (V/O as announcer) It was at exact moment that Fred knew… he fucked up.
(We cut to the explosion)
"Sean, I warned you two about the explosions!" Taylor yelled out.
"It wasn't us, blondie! That was Fred Rated." Lucas said.
"Oh, God. That crazy guy?" Taylor asked.
"Yep, that's him." Sean said.
"Okay, you two are on your own for this one." Taylor said as she left the room.
Lucas: (Narrating) If there's anyone that can be crazy enough to sell you something, then Fred Rated is the man who's crazy enough to blow himself up.
Fred Rated: You find it all at Federated.
(Fred hits the fly, which pushes down on the plunger. He then makes a shocked look on his face after realizing what he has done before we cut to an explosion and we see the Federated Group logo)
(TV static transitions to: Mothers Against Drunk Driving "Jail" PSA)
(The PSA opens with a picture of a mother and her daughter)
Sean: (Narrating) Here's another PSA from Canada….
"Oh, dear. Another PSA from Canada. I hope it's not about putting things in your mouth again." Sean said.
"Or involving sous chefs getting scolding hot water spilled all over them." Lucas said, then points at the camera. "Don't you dare show that clip!"
"Let's see what's in store for us." Sean said.
(The commercial opens with a picture of a mother and her daughter)
"Well, it's a picture of a woman and her daughter. Nothing bad here." Sean said.
(The caption, "Your Past", is shown. Then, we get a POV show of the man sitting in his prison cell as he slips the photo of his mother and sister in between some books)
"Holy shit! That dude is in prison? What did he do? Did he murder his mother and his sister while they were asleep? Or was he drinking something while driving?" Lucas asked.
(The caption, "Your Present", is shown as we see the POV of the man walking out of his prison cell while the other inmates look at him. The man stops walking and we see two other inmates, one wearing an orange jumpsuit and another inmate, who's wearing a do-rag on his head, a white tank top and his jumpsuit rolled down to his waist, walk up to the guy while we see him backing away)
"Uh, I don't like how these two are looking at us. It's making me feel uncomfortable." Sean said.
(The two inmates continue to walk up to the man)
Inmate #1: (Check out the man) Wow.
(The other inmate licks his lips and smiles as they continue to walk toward the man while he backs into his cell. Then the caption, "Your Future", is shown while the first inmate blows a kiss at the man before it fades to black. The words, "You Have A Lot To Lose.", is shown followed by MADD: Mothers Against Drunk Driving)
We cut back to Sean and Lucas as they both look at the camera in shock after the PSA ended.
"What the fuck did we just watch?! No, seriously. What the fuck was that?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Is this Canada's way of Beyond Scared Straight?! Letting us know about the dangers of drunk driving?! You kill your mother and sister in a drunk driving accident and it lands you in prison, where you're dealing with a couple of inmates who want to kiss you on your hot mouth while they're feeling romantical. This is one fucked up PSA, Canada!
"You guys are sick. You are friggin' sick!" Lucas yelled out.
Lucas: (Narrating) You guys have been scaring us with these crazy PSAs involving putting things in your mouth, workplace accidents and now, you're showing us a POV view of a guy about to become somebody's bitch in prison.
"Or better yet, they're definitely gonna put something in his mouth." Lucas said.
(Cut to the two inmates approaching the man while the song plays in the background)
"Like I said, Canada. You're sick! We're keeping the Total Drama series, you can keep your scary inmates, because you guys are sick. YOU'RE SICK!" Sean screamed. "God, I need a drink. Can we cut to another commercial? And let's hope to god that it's not that crazy."
From there, Sean immediately took a sip out of his Bud Light while at the same time Lucas took the remote and changed to the next commercial.
(TV static transitions to: Orangina "Naturally Juicy" commercial circa 2007)
(The commercial opens with a female deer swinging on a swing. A bear sees the female deer and instantly becomes attracted to her as he approaches her)
Sean's jaw drops in utter shock, forcing his drink to spill down his mouth by accident after seeing what he saw, leaving him speechless.
"Uh, what am I watching here?" Sean asked.
"Looks like a 3D porn parody of National Geographic." Lucas pointed out.
(The bear sniffs at the female deer and grabs her bottle of Orangina and pours some on the ground to grow some flowers. The bear grabs a flower and wraps his arm around the deer's waist)
"Okay, is it just me or is Brazzers getting crazy with their porn?" Sean asked.
(The deer takes the flower from out of the bear's hand and moves it down to his crotch. He looks up at her and she wraps her legs around him)
"Please tell me this is a Brazzers movie featuring Bella Rolland getting plowed by Damon Dice on a swing and they're in costumes." Sean said.
(The female deer pushes herself off of the bear and swing as she flies off and lands into a bed of flowers. The scene then transitions to dancing flowers and a pink flamingo stripper sliding down the pole while a female octopus approaches the bear and pours him some Orangina in a glass while she's giving him a lap dance)
"What the? What the? What is this the X-rated version of The Lion King? What are we looking at here?!" Lucas asked with a shocked look on his face.
(The deer gets jealous and walks away before we see her dancing with some female peacocks. The bear drinks his glass of Orangina and gets up to see the deer, who's now dressed in a pink bra and panties)
"Uh, am I supposed to get strangely aroused by a Furry? Dude, I'm sorry. But we don't want to fuck sexy deers. It's like wanting to have sex with a sexy bunny." Sean said.
(A picture of Lola Bunny from Space Jam is shown, followed by a picture of Roxanne from A Goofy Movie)
"Don't you dare." Lucas points at the camera.
(A picture of Carmelita Fox from Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus is shown next, followed by a picture of Rouge The Bat from Sonic The Hedgehog.)
"Boy, you must really love to torture us with sexy animals, don't you?" Sean groaned to the camera too. "Good thing I'm already drinking."
"Me too. Cheers." Lucas said as he took a swig of Bud Light.
(The bear starts to dance as well with some bikini-clad zebras and he slides underneath their legs and Orangina gushes through the ground. We cut back to the deer as she sits down on a chair and pulls down on a rope, causing Orangina to pour down on her, a la Flashdance)
"Oh, great. Now I'll never watch Flashdance the same way again. Thanks a lot, commercial. Thanks a lot. Now, every time when I watch Flashdance, I see the deer replacing Jennifer Beals." Sean said.
(Cut to a clip from Flashdance where we see the deer's head superimposed on Alex Owens' body while we see her have water poured down on her)
(Back to the commercial as the camera zooms out on the island as we see the animals dancing with each other while the female deer is doing an exotic dance out on the orange stage while female zebra is riding on a giant bottle of Orangina like a mechanical bull before cutting to three dancing female giraffes)
Sean grabs himself another bottle of Bud Light while watching the commercial. "Oh, my God."
"Okay, this is getting too much. There's no way that you could make this commercial more sexual." Lucas said.
(The three female zebras are riding on the bottles of Orangina. The tops pop open, spraying Orangina all over a female bunny in a skimpy blue bikini)
Sean immediately spits out his beer from the sight of the bunny getting sprayed with Orangina while Lucas drops his bottle of beer in shock.
"WHAT THE SWEET BABY RAY'S BARBECUE SAUCE DID I JUST WITNESS?!" Sean yelled out.
Lucas: (Narrating) Please tell me we didn't just see an anthropomorphic bunny get jizzed on frickin' orange juice by all things! Hell, it's like watching Fifi La Fume get jizzed on by Furrball's cat milk or Babs Bunny getting jizzed on by frickin' carrot juice. God, that sounds wrong, screwed up and disturbing to imagine.
Sean took a drink of his Bud Light again before groaning very loudly in a drunken manner, "I DON'T KNOW HOW THE HELL THIS COULD BE ALLOWED ON TV!"
Lucas shook his head saying to the camera, "And me and Sean know what you're thinking, can this… possibly… GET ANY WORSE?!"
(A clip of ProJared plays.)
ProJared: Why, yes. It does get worse.
(ProJared looks down with a sad expression on his face.)
(A jaguar is dancing with a female panda. He spins her around until her one-piece bikini comes off, leaving her naked as she covers herself up. Then, we cut to a female octopus, who squeezes two oranges on her breasts)
Sean looks at the camera before getting up from off of the couch and left the room for a bit. He then returns to the living room and sat back down before yelling out. "WHAT THE HELL?!"
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, this is the most perverted thing I've ever seen! And this is for something called Orangina? Can you imagine watching this commercial as a kid with your parents and you see this? Yeah, I would probably be disturbed by it. This was their advertising campaign? Hey, we got you the X-rated version of Zootopia. You can see Nick Wilde getting freaky with Judy Hopps. We also have Diane Foxington from The Bad Guys giving Mr. Wolf a lap dance. No wonder this ad was awarded "Freakiest Advert of 2008".
Lucas: (Narrating) And because of how freaky as hell this ad is, it caused some controversy in the United Kingdom. Yeah, I can see why? You have the animals sliding down poles and riding bottles like Maitland Ward riding some guy until it erupts on some other animal. Anyway, the ad had like 45 seconds of footage cut and was only to be shown after 9 o'clock.
"Imagine them showing this during some family program." Lucas said.
(Cut to an ABC Family Movie bumper from 1995)
Announcer: Honey, I Blew Up the Kid starring Rick Moranis will continue in a moment.
(Cut to the Orangina commercial, where we see the female zebras riding on the Orangina bottles. The bottle tops pop open and sprays juice all over the female bunny)
"Oh, yeah. Definitely scar the children for life. I want to know who was responsible for creating this commercial. I demand to know who." Sean said as he slams his fists down on the table.
(We cut to the national flag of France)
"Oh, great! France! Just when I thought that we would avoid something perverted for this special, France had to come up with a really naughty one." Sean said.
"And to France, this is our initial response." Lucas pointed out.
(A clip from The Angry Video Game Nerd is shown)
AVGN: What… were… they… THINKING?!
"Our sentiments exactly." Lucas nodded before taking another swig of Bud Light.
Sean: (Narrating) Orangina. The drink made by and made for sex-crazed furries.
(The deer and bear are then shown sitting on a hill while sipping on a Orangina bottle, all at the same time the words "Naturally Juicy" pop up above them.)
"Uggghh, about time this nightmare's over!" Sean rolled his eyes in agony. He then turned to Lucas and said, "Have anything you want to add?"
"Not me, I'm legit hammered from all the constant drinking." Lucas said, facepalming himself. "I swear if I have to see a sexy furry again, I'm gonna lose it."
Sean rolled his eyes yet again, "Oh, don't remind me!"
Sean then took yet another drunken swig from his Bud Light, right before he then replied with such a large burp.
"Geez, that's gotta burn." Sean drunkenly said to himself before saying to the camera, "Anyway, that's another commercials special. For my good friend Lucas, I'm Sean The Mayhem Critic and I'll see you–"
Then, all of a sudden, Sean was instantly cut off by the sight of his beer glass booming due to a large stomping noise occurring offscreen.
Before he knew it, he also heard a giant "ROAR" occur off-screen as well, alarming both Sean and Lucas in pure horror knowing it sounded so much like a dinosaur.
"Yeah, you're on your own, buddy!" Lucas said to Sean, all before getting off the couch and running out of the living room.
Sean then looked down on his booming beer glass and looked to the camera and gulped out before fading to black, "Oh, mother fu–"
Mayhem Critic tagline - Don't you put it in your mouth!
Man, was this a pain in the ass to get done. But you know what, it was worth it for us to finally finish this. And no doubt it was worth the wait for you fans who've been patiently waiting for a new chapter to wait. Although it would be nice to get a little extra help next time for the next Commercials special, which won't be for quite a while then. Now that's said and done, The Mayhem Critic finally enters the summer in a big way when he reviews the 1993 prehistoric smash, Jurassic Park! Find out why this was the big box-office hit and not a big pile of you-know-what. If you got a big movie or TV show that yours truly wants to cover next for a future episode, don't forget to let me know by PMs or reviews as always. 'Til next time: FACKEN BOOLSHET!