The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Last time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean reviewed Alien 3, a film that he disliked. Today, he's going to be tackling the Predator franchise as he takes a look at the 1990 sequel Predator 2. A sequel that the critics didn't care for, yet fans enjoy it. Is Predator 2 an underrated sequel or will it suck like The Predator. So sit back, relax and grab yourself something cold to drink and prepare for sweaty Danny Glover yelling up a storm. This is the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Predator 2 is owned by 20th Century Fox.
Episode 187
Predator 2
(We open with the Mayhem Critic intro. After the intro ends, we open on our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch as he prepares to talk about the topic of today's episode)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Since I've talked about Alien 3 in the last episode, I think it's about time that I talk about the Predator franchise." Sean said.
(The movie poster for "Predator" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the theme music composed by Alan Silvestri plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) What's there to say about this movie? It's another one of the greatest Sci-Fi films of all time and it's one of the most manliest films ever. The film stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as Vietnam War veteran Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefer as he leads a team of commandos in Central America who are sent on a rescue mission to save a foreign cabinet minister and his aide from insurgents. And along the way, Dutch and his team are hunted down by an extraterrestrial warrior who ends up killing some of his team. And he faces off against the deadly Predator, played by the late Kevin Peter Hall. The movie was written by brothers Jim and John Thomas, who are also known for writing the screenplays for The Rescue, Executive Decision, Mission to Mars, Behind Enemy Lines and Wild Wild West...
(A picture of the 1965 TV show starring Robert Conrad and Ross Martin is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Nope, not that one. I'm talking about the 1999 film adaptation starring Will Smith and Kevin Kline. (The poster for the movie is shown) God, I hate that movie. Anyway, back to Predator. It is also directed by John McTiernan, before he directed Die Hard, The Hunt for Red October and being sent to federal prison for illegal wiretapping. Oh, and what else did he direct?
(A poster for the Rollerball remake from 2002 is shown)
"Yeah, I would rather stick with the 1975 version, because this version sucked." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating): Predator is one of my favorite movies because you have a great mix of action and science fiction. Plus, it's one of those testosterone-filled movies that you'll annoy your girlfriend with. After the movie was released, it got some mixed to positive reviews from critics and it made a ton of money.
"And with it being a sci-fi horror film, you know that they're going to make a sequel to it. And that's where Predator 2 comes in." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Predator 2" is shown, followed by clips from the film while the theme music by Alan Silvestri plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Man, how do you follow-up with the most manliest movie ever made? Predator 2 was released in theaters on November 21st, 1990. That's three years after the first movie. The shortest span of any movie in the Alien/Predator series. Well, aside from Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem. Don't worry, we'll get to that trainwreck of a movie later. After Predator 2's release, it got negative reviews from critics, but it made a ton of money in the box office. Over time, the film has been viewed positively and it has gained a cult following. With Jim and John Thomas returning to write the screenplay for this movie, the movie was directed by Stephen Hopkins, who's known for such great films like...
(A clip from A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child is shown)
Freddy Kruger (Played by Robert Englund): It's a boy!
Sean: (Narrating) And...
(A clip from the movie Blown Away is shown)
Ryan Gaerity (Played by Tommy Lee Jones): I've come here to create a new country for you called chaos, and a new government called anarchy.
Sean: (Narrating) And of course...
(A clip from Lost in Space is shown)
Monster Smith (Played by Gary Oldman): I am a god. Within these eggsacks lives a monster race of spiders. We shall descend upon helpless Earth. An entire planet on which to rule. An entire planet on which to feed!
"Oh, yeah. Some of Mr. Hopkins' quality work is good." Sean said in a sarcastic tone." Sean said before he rolled his eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) But the question remains: is Predator 2 an underrated sequel or is it the most hated in the franchise? I say that The Predator is still the most hated. But we'll get to that one later.
"Get your Smart Disk ready. This is Predator 2." Sean said.
(The movie opens as the camera flies over some trees before we get a shot of the city of Los Angeles as "Los Angeles, 1997", appears on screen)
Sean: (Narrating) As you can see, this movie doesn't take place in the steamy jungles of Central America. Instead, it takes place in the urban jungle of Los Angeles in the year 1997. The disastrous year that gave this city a sweltering heat wave, a bloody gang war between the Jamaican and Colombian drug gangs. Also, it was the year of the Bat-Credit Card. Yikes.
(We see that the LAPD is caught in a shootout with the Colombian Scorpions)
Female Reporter: As drought-ridden Los Angeles swelters in agonizing heat, drug lords wage bloody warfare in the streets. Yet another open conflict...
(A bullet ricochets near the reporter as she ducks for cover)
Female Reporter: Oh! Fuck this. Get me out of here!
"Yeah, you know it's bad when the whitest female reporter in L.A. turns ghetto after she almost gets shot at." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As you could see, things aren't looking too hot in L.A. as the LAPD get into a bloody shootout with the Colombian drug gang called the Scorpions. And we see that this movie's version of Hard Copy is hosted by Morton Downey Jr. who plays reporter Tony Pope.
Tony Pope (Played by Morton Downey Jr.): It's like Dante's hell down here. Smoke, fire, oppressive heat, as Colombian and drug fiends once again transform the streets of L.A. into a slaughterhouse. Who the hell's in charge down here? The cops? Uh-uh. They're outmanned, outgunned, and incompetent. Mr. Mayor, on vacation at your home in Lake Tahoe, get off your butt, get down here, and declare martial law!
"I think that Morton Downey Jr forgets that his show's been canceled because knowing him, he would love to yell at the Mayor's face on his show." Sean said.
(We're then introduced to the movie's main character, Lieutenant Mike Harrigan, as he arrives at the scene)
Sean: (Narrating) Danny Glover plays Lieutenant Mike Harrigan, a veteran cop who doesn't like to play by the rules, as he assists his fellow officer and best friend Danny Archuleta, played by Ruben Blades, and Detective Leona Cantrell played by Maria Conchita Alonso.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan (Played by Danny Glover): Okay, don't keep me in suspense, Danny Boy.
Danny Archuleta (Played by Ruben Blades): It has not been a nice day. Two motorists pulled over a truck, stumbled right in the middle of a narc stakeout. You know, ten Colombians and Scorpios. Told them to fuck off.
Leona Cantrell (Played by Maria Conchita Alonso): They're trying to get inside their headquarters. We're keeping them pinned down, but those officers are bleeding to death. Fuck, they're dying, man!
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: And where the hell is special weapons?
Danny Archuleta: They're still tied up with that shootout in San Pedro, getting their ass kicked by the Jamaicans. They shot down one of our choppers.
Sergeant (Played by Steve Kahan): And Mills and Johnson won't last much longer out there. We need an assault vehicle to go get them.
"Hi, Captain Murphy. Shouldn't you be in another Lethal Weapon film, buddy?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan shows off how much of a badass he could be when he drives right into the gang with his car and uses it for cover by sticking two bulletproof vests in the windows so the other officers could get past. Plus, he announces himself to the bad guys while flanking them.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Hey, assholes!
(The members of the Colombian Scorpions turn aroun and see Harrigan. Harrigan shoots at the members with his Benelli M1 Super 90 "Entry" semi-auto shotgun, taking them out immediately)
"Damn! That dude had some brass balls doing that to save his fellow officers. Also, don't you love action movie logic where a weapon has an unlimited amount of bullets? Because he fired that Benelli shotgun like ten times when in reality the tube is short and it couldn't possibly hold that many shells." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that some of the other members led by El Scorpio, played by veteran stuntman Henry Kingi, retreat back inside their stronghold to get armed and ready with some heavy firepowerwhile snorting cocaine from a scorpion's ass.
"I am not making that shit up." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before the drugged-out Mariachi mafia sing Pachuco, they get a visitor from above.
(The City Hunter crashes through the skylight and ambushes the Colombian Scorpions before the scene cuts to an explosion seen outside the building)
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Sarge, any of your people in the building?
Sergeant: No.
"Eh, must've been Batman taking on the drug gang or it might be an invisble alien with dreadlock killing these guys." Sean said as a picture of the Batman vs. Predator comic is shown next to him. "Oh, yeah. It exists."
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Remember when I mentioned that Harrigan doesn't play by the rules?
Sergeant: (Tries to stop Harrigan from entering the building) Lieutenant. Can't let you in there. Heinemann's on his way here.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Heinemann can kiss my sweet ass! Come on!
"Immediately, he defies orders from one of his superiors. Well, that's a trope in a cop movie we could cross off." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan and his team enter the stronghold to check out the commotion until El Scorpio escapes from the room and panics.
(A panicked El Scorpio starts shooting his two IMI Micro Uzis at the door and shoots at the other officers as Mike, Danny and Leona duck down while one member of S.W.A.T. takes cover around the corner, except for the other member of S.W.A.T., who ends up getting gunned down by El Scorpio)
"Oh, no! Not Officer Bob! Aw, man. That dude had nine days until retirement." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) El Scorpio flees to the roof as Harrigan goes after him and confronts him. But he looks like he picked the wrong day to be sniffing coke.
(El Scorpio sees the cloaked City Hunter and screams as he shoots at it. Harrigan starts shooting at El Scorpio multiple times until he falls off of the roof and plummets to his death)
"Well, so much for questioning that guy on what happened." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, I have to mention this. Even though Harrigan is a tough cop, he has a crippling fear of heights. But luckily for El Scorpio, the picnic table is there to break his fall... outdoors... in a warzone... in a heatwave.
(A clip from The Simpsons episode 22 Short Films About Springfield is shown)
Superintendent Chalmers (Voiced by Hank Azaria): At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within yout kitchen?!
Principal Skinner (Voiced by Harry Shearer): Yes.
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan starts to hallucinate invisible Space Jamaicans before Danny shows up with reinforcements to help him down and as they check out what happened to the gang, it doesn't look to pretty as they were all slaughtered by the invisible menace.
Leona Cantrell: So, what happened to El Scorpio?
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: He's out front having lunch.
"Immedately, Danny Glover thinks he's Schwarzenegger by dropping a one-liner." Sean said.
(A clip from Predator is shown)
Dutch (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): (After throwing his knife at one of the commandos) Stick around.
(Cut back to the movie)
Leona Cantrell: So, what happened to El Scorpio?
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: He's out having lunch.
(A comedic drum riff plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) They think that the Jamaican Voodoo Posse killed them and they vanished without a trace until Danny finds one of the dead members hung upside down. After investigating the scene, Harrigan gets chewed out by Captain Phil Heinemann, played by Robert Davi, and since it's a cop movie, you gotta have the main character getting into a shouting match with one of his superiors.
Captain Phil Heinemann (Played by Robert Davi): I put my ass on the line to get you here, and all I expect is a little cooperation!
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: I don't roll over for anybody, especially the feds, without a goddamn good explaination!
Captain Phil Heinemann: Insubordination. Disregard for direct orders from a supervising officer. Now get back to your cage at Alvarado.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: (Goes after Heinemann) I'll show you insubordination, you son of a...!
Detective Danny Archuleta: (Stops Mike from trying to assault Heinemann) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Where you running to? Come here!
Danny Archuleta: You don't need this, Mike. It's not worth it. Relax.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: (Screams) OH, FUCK!
"Boy, Danny Glover sure does a lot of yelling in this movie." Sean said.
(Cut to a montage of Harrigan yelling)
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Hey, assholes!/If we let those bastards get dug in now, we'll have to level the building!/Heinemann can kiss my sweet ass!/I'm warning you, stay the fuck out my way!/Fuck you!/Fuck yourself!/OH, FUCK!
"Oh, man! Can you imagine if Roger Murtaugh was like that in the Lethal Weapon movies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, as you could see. They put the Predator in the middle of a cop drama, which definitely covers all of the tropes that you see in a cop movie. Like here, where Harrigan gets chewed out by Captain B. Pilgrim, played by Kent McCord.
Captain B. Pilgrim (Played by Kent McCord): Heinemann's already been up my ass so far I won't be able to sit down for a week. We're not winning this war. As much as it's gonna piss you off, you're gonna have to play the game on this one.
"Oh, well thanks for pointing that out, Officer Reed. I didn't realize with the drugged-out Mariachi band with guns shooting at y'all. I'm serious, the characters have no problem pointing that out to us." Sean said.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Don't let this get out, Phil, but it's a fucking war down here.
Captain B. Pilgrim: We're not winning this war.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Metro Command is a war zone./Welcome to the war.
Sean: (Narrating) Captain Pilgrim informs Harrigan that a federal task force will be investigating criminal activities of the cartels and we're introduced to the man in charge of this federal task force Special Agent Peter Keyes, played by Gary Busey...
"Okay, is this Gary Busey before his motorcycle accident or after his motorcycle accident?" Sean asked.
(We see the word "After" on screen)
"Okay, I'm about to have a little fun with this guy." Sean said.
Peter Keyes (Played by Gary Busey): (Shakes Harrigan's hand) Heard a lot about you. I'm sorry for this jurisdictional intrusion. Don't mean to be stepping on your toes. But we're attempting to prevent King Willie's voodoo gangs from taking over and controlling the entire West Coast. (Chuckles) I wish I could tell you more. But we have a large number of deep-cover operatives involved here. You know how it is. We all have a job to do. Now, I'm sure we can respect each other's situation and act responsibly.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Well... um, cooperation... is my middle name.
"Really? Says the guy who tends to break every rule." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You want to know what's funny? You have three actors from Lethal Weapon in the same movie. You have Danny Glover, Steve Kahan and Gary Busey. What's next? Are they going to add Joe Pesci in the movie?
"Oh, man if they did that, then I wouldn't take this movie seriously." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to the most annoying man in the world and a walking skull and crossbones sign. A young, cocky officer who's assigned to Harrigan's team, Jerry "The Lone Ranger" Lambert, played by the late Bill Paxton, and we see that he's making a very good first impression with Leona, who's going to be his new partner.
Jerry Lambert (Played by Bill Paxton): I said, "Lady, you are under arrest." And she said "Why?". I said "Because your husband is dead. You killed him." Know what she said, without missing a beat?
Leona Cantrell: Uh, no.
Jerry Lambert: She said "I stabbed that son of a bitch plenty of times. He never died on me before."
(Leona laughs)
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Uh-oh.
Danny Archuleta: Looks like he's putting the moves to Leona.
(Harrigan chuckles)
Harrigan and Archuleta: (Both) His first big mistake. (They both start to laugh)
(Leona grabs Jerry by his groin and squeezes it. Jerry groans iu pain)
Leona Cantrell: You try that cowboy shit with me, fucker, you can kiss this goodbye. Got it?
Jerry Lambert: Yeah, I got it.
"Okay, as much as I find this character annoying, Bill Paxton is enjoyable to watch. He's having so much fun with the character. Hell, is character is the cop version of Hudson from Aliens, but much cockier." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jerry meets Harrigan for the first time and he gives him the speech just to let him know that this job is serious and a lot of shit could go down.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: There's no room for showboats, anyone looking to prove themselves. Now, I won't stand for it. Now, don't get me wrong. We need good cops down here, and they say you're good at what you do. But the team comes first. You live by that, and you'll be okay. And we'll all be there for you. Remember, the door swings both ways.
"So we'll reverse the particle flow through the gate by crossing the streams. Oh, wait! Wrong movie. Sorry about that, kid." Sean said, imitating Harrigan.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we cut to...
(The sounds of a woman moaning is heard as we cut to the L.A. skyline)
"What the?" Sean asked.
(The camera zooms in on the building some more)
"Why am I hearing a Brazzers scene going on in this movie?" Sean asked, referring to the woman's moaning.
(The camera continues to zoom in closer on the building as we see a woman having sex with a guy. She is on top of the man and riding him intensely. Her breasts are covered by a censor bar that reads "Not For YouTube!")
"Wow, that segway into a shot of a naked hot chick riding some guy. Well, I'm guessing Stephen Hopkins decided if they're going to have an R-rating, they're gonna have to use it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But the graphic sex is interruped by when members of the Jamaican Voodoo Posse break into the luxuious penthouse of the leader of the Colombian Scorpions Ramon Vega, played by Corey Rand, and one of the members named Gold Tooth, played by Michael Mark Edmondson, plans to do a voodoo-style ritual killing on him right in front of his mistress, played by Teri Weigel, who's an actual porn actress.
"Come on! Like that never happened before in a movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gold Tooth gives Vega a message from King Willie before he kills him. And he does this by doing some crazy voodoo shot and he kills him. But it looks like that the Voodoo Bob Marley posse have picked the wrong night to be smoking that ganja when the Predator starts killing them one by one with an arsenal of new toys that he brought with him.
"Like..." Sean said.
(The Wheel of Fortune theme from 1992 to 1994 plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) A Netgun...
(The City Hunter traps one of the gang members with it's Netgun)
Sean: (Narrating) A Speargun...
(The City Hunter shoots another gang member in the head with it's Speargun)
Sean: (Narrating) We all know it's Wristblades and Plasmacaster...
(We see the cloaked City Hunter take out two gang members with it's Plasmacaster and Wristblades)
Sean: (Narrating) And let's not forget about it's Combistick...
(The City Hunter impales the gang member with it's Combistick)
"And we're saving the best weapon for last because it is the coolest thing ever. Trust me on this one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After the Predator kills Gold Tooth and his boys, Harrigan and his team arrive on the scene, but you have annoying, loud-mouthed reporters trying to stop him for an interview. So Jerry handles the situation in his own special way.
Jerry Lambert: (Bumps into Pope and moves him away) Tony, my man!
Tony Pope: Who the hell are you?
Jerry Lambert: Your biggest fan, Tony! Catch your show all the time.
Tony Pope: Well, I got a job to do!
Jerry Lambert: (Starts hurting Pope) Your job is to go root for your garbage somewhere else.
"Well, that's one way of dealing with the annoying press. Okay, I take back what I said about Bill Paxton's character. He can be annoying at times, but he can be awesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And this being a federal matter for Keyes, Harrigan once again defies orders and they head up to Vega's penthouse to check out the grisly scene,
(The enter Vega's penthouse, only to find members of the Jamaican Voodoo Posse hung upside down along with Vega. The members of the posse are skinned, except for Vega)
Leona Cantrell: This doesn't make sense. This was a voodoo ritual. I've seen it all before. They took his heart out.
Jerry Lambert: What for?
Leona Cantrell: Terror tactics, man. You know, to scare the shit out of their enemies. King Willie.
Jerry Lamber: Who the hell is King Willie?
"He's king of the killer whales. Who do you think?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) They come across Vega's mistress, but this investigation is cut short when Keyes and his boys show up and he's not too happy.
Peter Keyes: They say that persistence is one of your most outstanding qualities.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Hey look, I know this is your show, but...
Peter Keyes: You're not listening to me! You got a big nose, and you're sticking it too far in my business. Now, maybe you can hear this. The next time you cross me, you're gonna turn up missing.
"Did Gary Busey just threaten Danny Glover? Unless he hit his head hard in that motorcycle accident, maybe he forgot about what happened to him in Lethal Weapon." Sean said.
(Cut to a clip from Lethal Weapon, where we see Mr. Joshua getting gunned down by Riggs and Murtaugh)
Peter Keyes: Now you get the hell out of here.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Who the hell are you, Keyes?
Garber (Played by Adam Baldwin): The last person in the world you wanna fuck with.
"Uhhhh, I'm sorry, Adam Baldwin. But who might you be?" Sean asked.
Garber: The last person in the world you wanna fuck with.
"Forget I asked. By the way, I met Adam Baldwin at the Comic Expo a couple of years ago. A real nice guy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After getting kicked out of the penthouse by Keyes, Harrigan sends Jerry out on a little mission to tail Keyes and find out where they take Vega's mistress and since he's in the mood to break the rules once more, Mike sends Danny to check out the Penthouse. Meanwhile, Jerry returns with the footage that he took of Keyes and his men and Harrigan smells something fishy going on with these guys.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Now tomorrow, start a tail on Keyes. Everything he does, everywhere he goes. Who knows? You might just get lucky.
Jerry Lambert: Lieutenant. Luck... is my specialty.
"Really now?" Sean asked.
(Cut to different scenes from movies and televisions shows where a character that Bill Paxton plays ends up getting killed. We start off with a clip from Aliens, where we see Hudson getting killed by a Xenomorph when it bursts through the floor as he attempts to hold them off. Next up is a clip from Tombstone where we see Morgan Earp get shot in the back while playing pool and we finally cut to a clip from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)
John Garrett (Played by Bill Paxton): Now, I'll be uns...
(Garrett is vaporized after Agent Coulson shoots him with the Peruvian Tesseract weapon)
Agent Phil Coulson (Played by Clark Gregg): Hey, guys! I've found it. I told you it'd be in here.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that luck will be on your side." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Danny, he investigates Vega's penthouse all by himself after Harrigan gives him the go-aheaf and he finds one of the Predator's weapons logged in a vent in the ceiling.
"Okay, ladies and germs, place your bets now. How long until he gets it?" Sean asked to the clamoring audience as the options are shown.
(The bets: 2 minutes, 3 minutes and 4 minutes are shown)
"Do I hear two minutes? Two minutes it is. Do I hear three? Three minutes. Do I hear three minutes? What about four? Do I hear four minutes. Four minutes. Okay, stop! All bets are off. Let's see and find out." Sean said.
(Danny pulls the spear tip from out of the vent and examines it)
Danny Archuleta: Shit.
Distorted Voice: Danny boy.
Danny Archuleta: Mike? (Falls over) Whoa!
(Danny holds onto something. It is revealed to be a cloaked arm of the City Hunter Predator as it uncloaks. Danny falls out of the ceiling, but the City Hunter Predator grabs him by his leg)
Danny Archuleta: Oh, God!
(Danny pulls out his gun, but the Predator pulls him up into the ceiling and kills him)
Danny Archuleta: No. No. Oh, God!
"And the official answer is... three minutes! Well done, my friends! Well done!" Sean cheered as he applauds.
Sean: (Narrating) And just to cross off that trope where the partner/best friend gets killed in a cop movie, the Predator kills Danny, this results in Harrigan vows to find the person who killed his best friend, but not until he has a little word with Agent Keyes.
(Harrigan grabs Keyes and pushes him against the wall)
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Listen, shithead. I don't give a duck who you really are and what you want with this asshole, because now it's personal. And he's a dead man.
Peter Keyes: The concept of what you're dealing with is way over your head. I'm warning you...
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: You! You don't know what you're dealing with. And I'm warning you. Stay the fuck out of my way!
(Harrgian slams Keyes against the wall and releases him before walking away)
Garber: I'll take care of him.
Peter Keyes: No. Let him go. We're too close.
"Oh, come on, boss. Just let me kill him, just once. Please?" Sean asked, imitating Garber.
Brian: (V/O offscreen as Keyes): No!
"Damn it! You'll never let me have any fun." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With the help of Leona and Jerry, they tell Mike that Mike that there's something up with Keyes. Harrigan and Jerry head to the chief pathologist to examine the Predator's weapon, then he sets up a meeting with the leader of the Jamaican Voodoo Posse King Willie, played by Calvin Lockhart, to find out who's responsible for the killings.
King Willie (Played by Calvin Lockhart): I don't know who he is. But I know where he is. The other side.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: What are you talking about?
King Willie: The spirit world, man.
(King Willie throws some bones on a barrel)
King Willie: You see...
"Let me guess, you Popeyes chicken for dinner, right?" Sean asked.
King Willie: There's no stopping what can't be stopped. No killing what can't be killed.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Hey, make sense, man.
King Willie: This thing that's killing your people and mine is from the other side. I can feel him all around. You can't see the eyes of the demon... until him come calling.
Sean: (V/O as Harrigan) Uh, have you been smokin' that ganja again, King Willie? I think you and your boys need to cut back.
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan leaves after King Willie offers little to no information, but then Baron Samedi gets a little visit from the Predator.
(The City Hunter Predator shows up cloaked as King Willie sees him walking in the puddle of water while approaching him. King Willie then pulls out a sword hidden inside his staff)
"Holy shit, he's got a sword!" Sean exclaimed with a surprised look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Are you serious? The head of a huge criminal organization is going to fight the Predator with a sword?
"Oh, man! This is gonna be awesome! I can't wait to see..." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(We cut to the City Hunter Predator carrying King Willie's head back to his ship)
"Ewwwww! Uh, nevermind. Yikes, so much for me getting hyped up." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as City Hunter Predator) Well, time for me to polish another skull to add to my collection. First, you suck the blood off the skull with the tube and then you make it nice and shiny with the Predator polish and then you add it to your trophy collection.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Mike talks to Jerry and Leona over the phone as they try to figure out who Keyes works for and that the killer is toying with him. Then, the chief pathologist has found something interesting to share with Harrigan.
Irene Edwards (Played by Lilyan Chauvin): The federal authorities erased everything from the computer file except for this, part of a chemical test on a fragment of wood from the penthouse. And it contained traces of cattle blood and heavy traces of steroids. I believe whoever killed Detective Archuleta had recently been in a slaughterhouse.
"Wait, why the hell did the federal agents erase everything except that one clue? Yeah, it might look insignificant on it's own, but when there's no haystack it's pretty much easy to find the needle. Plus, it's making it look like Keyes and his boys are up to no good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a cemetery, where we some little brat taking a lesson from Harrigan on not listening to authority.
Father: (To son) I just want you to stay in the car. Okay? Your mom and I won't be very long. You sit still. We'll be back in a few minutes. All right? (To his wife) Come on, honey.
Mother: Yes, darling.
(As his parents walk over to someone's grave, the little boy gets out of the car from the driver's side and starts playing around with his toy gun and runs off while imitating a machine gun)
Brian (Played by Brian Levinson): Take that, you scum-sucking dog.
"A little kid running off in a cemetery. Oh, I'm sure that nothing bad will happen to him." Sean said.
(The little boy named Brian comes across the cloaked City Hunter Predator. The creature looks at Brian and prepares to kill him with his Plasmacaster)
"Holy shit. Are we about to see a little kid get killed in a Predator movie? This shit just got dark. I know we've seen a bunch of people getting killed, but a little boy getting killed by the creature, that would be shocking to see." Sean said.
(The Predator scans Brian's toy Uzi and realizes it's just a toy before powering off his weapon)
Brian: (Pulls out some candy) Want some candy?
"Oh, yeah. Teach the killer alien the three dreaded words that people are afraid of. I'm pretty sure that he'll love that. Next thing you know, he'll end up driving a van with no windows" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan visits Danny's grave and pays his respects to his best friend. And as he gets ready to head back to work, he comes across...
(Harrigan sees Danny's necklace hanging from a tree. The camera zooms in on it. Harrigan pulls out his gun and looks around. We hear a suspenseful sting every time Harrigan looks around. The suspenseful sting plays some more while cutting to different clips: the Dramatic Chipmunk, a clip from Home Improvement where we see Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor grunting, a clip from Batman: The Animated Series where we see Batman making a shocked look on his face after seeing Commissoner Gordon getting shot and a clip from The Simpsons Movie where we see Otto smoking from a bong)
Otto (Voiced by Harry Shearer): (Stops smoking from his bong) What? What's going on?
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Leona and Jerry are on a subway to meet with Harrigan, but they come across the cast of Death Wish II, where they see them harrassing the women and to bully this mild-mannered guy who just wants to read his book.
Subway Gang Leader (Played by William R. Perry): You look like a sympathetic dude. My, uh, partner here needs an operation. But we're a little short of cash, if you know what I mean.
Commuter (Played by Charles David Richards): No need for that.
(The commuter reaches inside his briefcase and pulls out his snub-nosed Smith & Wesson Model 66 revolver and points it at the gang members)
Subway Gang Leader: Whoa!
Commuter: Get the hell away from me! I know how to use this thing! Don't make me use this thing!
Subway Gang Member #1 (Played by Alex Chapman): (Pulls out a Dan Wesson Model 5-VH revolver and points it at the commuter) Bet mine's bigger than yours!
(Then, all of the commuters on the subway pull out their guns and point it at the gang members)
Jerry Lambert: Hold it. Police!
(Jerry and Leona point their guns at the gang as well)
Jerry Lambert: Nobody move!
(Leona shouts in Spanish)
"Okay, let's just calm down now. Nobody needs to get shot up on this train." Sean said while holding an Uzi.
Sean: (Narrating) But before it turns into the gunfight at the O.K. Corral on a subway, the Predator hops aboard the subway and starts killing the gang members and some of the armed passengers. Leona evacuates the civilians while Jerry goes toe to toe with the Predator. And here's a little rule: when you cast Bill Paxton in your movie, make sure that the character that he's playing gets killed.
Jerry Lambert: (To the Predator) Come on, motherfucker!
Predator (Played by Kevin Peter Hall): (Mimicking) Want some candy?
Jerry Lambert: Let's dance!
(He gets ready to attack the Predator, but ends up getting killed)
"Yeah, unless you're watching a movie and it has either Bill Paxton, Michael Biehn, Steve Buscemi and Sean Bean in it, you know that they're gonna end up getting killed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Leona pulls the emergency brake to stop the train and she goes to check on Jerry, only to find him dead until the Predator attacks her, but he doesn't kill her. Afterwards, Harrigan arrives to find Leona and we learn why the Predator didn't kill her is because she's pregnant. Then, Harrigan checks out the scene to look for Jerry's body.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Where's Jerry?
Captain B. Pilgrim: I don't know. (Shows Mike Jerry's badge) We found his badge.
Sean: (V/O as Pilgrim) Here's his badge soaked in the blood of the dead gang members. And it has his blood on it too.
(Harrigan follows Jerry's blood trail down the tunnel and sees the Predator)
(A sound clip from Aliens starts playing)
Hudson: (V/O) Game over, man! Game...
(The Predator tears out Jerry's head and spinal column before fleeing while Harrigan witnessed this)
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: No!Jerry!
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan pursues the Predator out on the surface and he shows us what happenes when annoying reporters try to interview you while you're chasing a deadly alien.
Tony Pope: Hey, Harrigan! More bodies, more mutilation!
(Harrigan slugs Pope in the face, knocking him out)
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Fuck you!
"Still the most satisfying scene to watch. Let's see that again.:" Sean said.
(A sound clip from TruTV's World's Dumbest plays)
Brandon Walsh: (V/O) One punch and down!
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan pursues the deadly City Hunter, but during his pursuit, L.A. takes time in being L.A. every day.
(While pursuing the Predator, Harrigan is stopped by another car, which hits his car)
(A clip from The Adventures of Ford Fairlane is shown)
Ford Fairlane (Played by Andrew "Dice" Clay): These L.A. drivers, man.
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan gets captured by Keyes' special team while we get the most epic shot of the Predator standing on top of the Eastern Columbia building while presenting it's prize to the world while getting zapped by a bolt of lightning while holding up his Combistick.
(The Predator screeches. A bolt of lightning hits it's Combistick as the elecrtrical current surrounds it)
"As satisfying as this scene is, don't you wish that the Predator got vaporized by that bolt of lightning?" Sean asked.
(The scene is shown once more)
Sean: (V/O as Predator) Yes, I've finally got my prize! I AM THE...
(A bolt of lightning hits the Predator's Combistick)
Sean: (V/O as Predator as he screams in pain) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! RAT FARTS!
(The Predator is electrocuted and blows up)
"Hey, we all thought it! Don't act like you didn't!" Sean exclaimed while he points directly at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan is taken to see Keyes, who is busy preparing to face off against the Predator with his team while dressed in their aluminum foil suits and he tells him about the Predator and explaining to him about what happened ten years ago during the events of the first film.
Peter Keyes: That's right, Lieutenant. Otherworld life forms.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Huh?
Peter Keyes: A fucking alien! Iwo Jima, Cambodia, Beirut. Drawn by heat and conflict. He's on safari. Lions. The tigers. The bears. Oh, my!
"Okay, I think that the motorcycle accident has made Gary Busey nutty. He's talking about the lions, the tigers and the bears." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Keyes tells Harrigan that him and his men are planning on trapping him so that they could capture the creature so they could study it. Who does these clowns work for, Weyland-Yutani? Keyes and his men enter the slaughterhouse where the Predator feeds and to capture it, but then the Predator is on to their little game as it uses it's helmet's alternate vision modes to spot the team's ultraviolet lights.
Federal Team Member #1 (Played by Casey Sander): It's moving back against the wall. It's backing up. It's moving away from them.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: He sees 'em, Garber, your boys have been made.
Federal Team Member #1: Sir, it's circling around behind them.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Get 'em out, Garber! They're walking into a trap! Get 'em out! (Grabs a headset) Hey, Keyes. He's behind you. Third floor structure. Right there!
Brian: (V/O as Keyes) Who is this? Is this Sigourney Weaver? Wrong movie, lady!
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan takes a page out of Ripley's book to head into the slaughterhouse to take out the Predator. But not before he yells some more.
Garber: You don't know what you're doing, Harrigan.
(A federal agent unlocks the door)
Federal Team Member #2 (Played by Pat Skipper): It's open.
Garber: You'll ruin everything!
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Fuck yourself!
"I swear, I'm gonna start yelling like my character from Angels In the Outfield or I will yell and beat you like my character from The Color Purple!" Sean yelled out, imitating Harrigan.
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan arms himself with some of his weaponry from the trunk of his car while the Predator turns the slaughterhouse into a literal slaughterhouse by killing all of Keyes' men, until Harrigan shows up to join in on the fun.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: (After blowing up the door with his grenade launcher) You want me? Here I am!
Sean: (V/O as Predator) Okay, new target! As for Busey... FUCK GARY BUSEY!
(The Predator fires it's Plasmacaster at Keyes. The blast seemingly kills him. Harrigan shoots at the Predator with his Colt CAR-15 machine gun)
Sean: (V/O as Predator) Hey! You cockmunch! No machine guns in this fight! I thought you were going to fight me like Schwarzenegger!
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan faces with the Predator and he guns down the Predator with his shotgun to make it bleed lemon lime Kool-Aid. And when you check to see if the person you killed is dead, make sure he's dead before you take off it's mask and call him an "ugly motherfucker".
(Harrigan removes the Predator's helmet and sees what it looks like)
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: You are one ugly mother...
(The Predator wakes up and grabs Harrigan by his throat)
Predator: (Distorted voice) Motherfucker.
"Uh, is it just me, or does the Predator's mouth look like a... Okay, we need a censor bar to cover it's mouth because it looks like a lady's female part. No, not the boobs. Another place." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Predator goes for round two with Harrigan and destroys his shotgun, but before he gets a chance to kill him, Keyes pops up to take on the Predator. Dang, for some odd reason, this dude survived getting hit with a Plasmacaster. Jeez, Gary Busey is a maniac.
(Keyes subdues the Predator with his nitrogen gun)
Peter Keyes: Too late to go home now.
(Keyes continues to fire his nitrogen gun at the Predator)
Peter Keyes: Get out of here, Harrigan. I'm gonna save your ass. This is between me and him!
(The Predator wields a Smart Disk and throws it at Keyes. The Smart Disk cuts through slabs of meat. Keyes screams as he sees the Smart Disk coming towards him until he gets sliced in half by it, killing him)
"OHHHH! BEST DEATH OF THE WHOLE MOVIE!" Sean yelled out.
(The scene is played once more as we see Keyes getting sliced by the Smart Disk)
(A clip from Hudson Hawk is shown)
Hudson Hawk (Played by Bruce Willis): Looks like you won't be attending that hat convention in July.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Harrigan faces off against the Predator and it's basically one long confrontation between Harrigan and the Predator and I have to say that it's awesome. Hell, you have Harrigan cutting off the Predator's hand while it was trying to set off the explosion, then it turns into a Mortal Kombat stage transition when the Predator crashes through an old lady's bathroom and he tries to heal himself and we do get this little moment that had me cracking up.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: It's all right, I'm a cop.
Ruth Albright (Played by Sylvia Kauders): I don't think he gives a shit.
"That's a line that would work for a certain moment in a movie." Sean said.
(A clip from The Fugitive is shown)
Dr. Richard Kimble (Played by Harrison Ford): I didn't kill my wife.
(Cut back to Predator 2)
Ruth Albright: I don't think he gives a shit.
"Okay, that was fun. Let's try another one." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is shown)
Phantasm (Voiced by Stacy Keach): Stay away! This is not your fight!
(Cut back to the movie)
Ruth Albright: I don't think he gives a shit.
"Okay, let's try one more just for fun." Sean said.
(A clip from Return of the Jedi is shown)
Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): You've failed, your highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me.
(Cut back to the movie once more)
Ruth Albright: I don't think he gives a shit.
"Try some at home, I would love to see what you could come up with." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After dealing with one crippling fear of heights after another, Harrigan chases the Predator into it's ship and we get a really well done scene. I love the interior of the ship. It looks like nothing made on Earth. Plus, we get a look at it's trpphy collection and we see that it hunts other things as well, such as Xenomorphs.
"See that? We got ourselves a little Alien vs. Predator hint right there. You all saw the Xenomorph's skull." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan faces off with the Predator in a little shank-off and just when you think that the Predator has gained the upper hand, Harrigan uses it's own weapon on him.
(Harrigan kills the Predator by slicing it open with the Smart Disk as the creature starts screaming)
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: That's right, asshole! Shit happens!
(Harrigan removes the Smart Disk from out of the Predator after slicing it)
"It's just been revoked." Sean said, imitating Harrigan.
Sean: (Narrating) Harrigan kills the Predator, but then he finds himself surrounded by several more Predators who are just looking for a fight.
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Okay. Who's next?
"You, sir, have balls of brass polished to the Nth degree." Sean said in a British accent.
(The Elder Predator gives Harrigan an antique flintock pistol)
Elder Predator (Also played by Kevin Peter Hall): Take it.
(Harrigan looks at the flintock pistol that has the inscription "Raphael Adolini 1715")
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: 1715.
"I would've went with the movie's alternate ending with Harrigan dancing with the Predators on the ship to celebrate his victory." Sean said, referring to the blooper of the Predators and Danny Glover dancing.
Sean: (Narrating) The Predators leave and Harrigan escapes the ship just as it leaves for space and he makes it back to the surface just so he can (Imitates Dutch) GET TO DA CHOPPA!
Garber: Harrigan! What the fuck happened in there, huh?
(Harrigan pushes Garber away and stares him down)
Garber: Goddamn it. We came so close!
Lieutenant Mike Harrigan: Don't worry, asshole. You'll get another chance.
Sean: (Narrating) Until Shane Black ruins it with The Predator 28 years from now.
(A poster of The Predator is shown)
"And that was Predator 2 and it's an underrated gem that needs some more love.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) It does have some of it's moments, but it had some good ideas. I love the idea of putting the Predator in an urban setting. The movie had a moderate box office return but the critics didn't care for it and I can see that people who love this movie consider it to be their favorite. Hell, even though I love the first film, the second one is my all-time favorite. If people ask you why do you like Predator 2 better than the first film, don't be ashamed to answer. Predator 2 has some great acting, some memorable characters, Alan Silvestri's music score is awesome, the direction and Danny Glover's performance is great. This movie is the reason why I keep watching it over and over again. If you're a fan or at least interested in the series, this movie is well worth it. Predator 2 comes in at 4 trophies out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Lieutenant. Luck... is my specialty.
And that is all for the review of Predator 2 for The Mayhem Critic. So what did you think of the review and what are your thoughts on the movie? Did you enjoy it when you first saw it or do you consider this movie a guilty pleasure gem? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean reviews the 1987 motion picture epic Masters of the Universe, a movie about a battle fought in the stars, now... comes to Earth. It is also the film that killed Cannon Films and it gained a cult following. After that review, another Top 11 Countdown is next or a first for The Mayhem Critic, a video game review. Here are the two choices:
1. The Top 11 Movie Themes: Sean counts down some of his favorite movie themes.
2. Sonic the Hedgehog 3 and Knuckles: Sean reviews one of his favorite video games of all time to see how well it holds up.
Which one of the two would you like for me to work on after the review of Masters of the Universe? Don't forget to read and review this chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you would like to help out with the intro for the Masters of the Universe review or if you would like to co-review with me on it, then let me know in the comments or PM me if you're interested. Also, if you want to help me out with the intro to the MOTU review, just to let you guys know, I grew up watching the 2002 He-Man and the Masters of the Universe cartoon that was on Cartoon Network, but I did check out clips of the original cartoon. And here's a little fun fact: me and my girlfriend Myca met Alan Oppenheimer at the Cincinnati Comic Expo back in 2021. That's right. We met the voice of Skeletor himself. I can mention that in the review. He's a real nice guy. Anyway, I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.