Chapter 5
Because of You (x2)
Disclaimer:I don't own GG
Background: An alternative story in Stars Hollow as continuation of my story 'Love the way you lie'. Rory is coping with the consequences of learning she was molested as a child and findind a new path. Lane is torn between her Korean heritage, her dreams of being a drummer and the loss of her father, while living without grownups for a first time. Abigail (Jess' NY ex who is friends with him and Rory as per my previous story) is tending wounds from her past and adjusting to life in the small city. Couples now and/or eventually Rory/Jess, Lane/Tristan, Abigail/Zack, mentions of Lorelai/Luke
The story will switch between the points of view of the three main girls.
Warning: Some chapters may be really triggering
1
(Rory)
When Rory snuck back in their (temporary room, Jess was sleeping, facing the door, with a book across his chest. She stared at him in the dark, thinking of every time he'd surprised her with his warmth and understanding. Her world was crumbling. Abi and Lane both needed her, Jess loved her and she felt like reality was slipping from underneath her feet like water. She wasn't sure how to hold on. She knew how to function, help with practical things like the shower she'd promised Abi, but the rest was a void. It felt like there were some bright days, singing, Paris making her run, her and Jess, therapy had provided some relief, but she wasn't okay. It wasn't about Jess, or Dean, or even Derek. Somewhere along the way she just lost the point of things, like there wasn't enough life force within her to keep her connected to the present. She was ready to do anything to help Abi and Lane with what they were going through, because it was all huge and scary. Because she knew 1000% they deserved better and even if they didn't she would have still tried to help, because it was her nature. But herself? She couldn't deal with herself, she couldn't allow herself to think about it. Lately she'd just resigned to just reacting to whatever happened next, as if it would have less impact on her if she cared less. The nothingness had just settled somewhere below her ribs filling her with this horrifying numbing lack of feeling anything. Like she'd overfilled on emotions and just shut everything off. Except when you shut off a switch, it can be turned back the other way around. She didn't feel like she could do that.
She'd been someone before; she wanted things, she'd had passions, and now everything was this blank, blinding nothingness.
She wanted to snuggle in the comfort of Jess's arms, but she didn't feel like she could put this on him.
She'd lashed out on him when she was having a flashback, and she didn't know how to talk about it. She couldn't even begin thinking about it. She didn't know how to guarantee it wouldn't happen again. Jess had been through so much in his life. He didn't need a broken girlfriend. Even if she loved him. She sat on the ground next to the bed with her knees pulled closer to her, and her chin resting on them. The minutes passed, then hours, and she just stared in the dark, unable to move. She wanted to want things again. It wasn't quite the same thing. Every time she did something nice it kept coming back to her, not the abuse- the moment 'uncle' Derek had thought her archery, read her book, brought her candy, thought her foreign words in different languages, fueling her desire to explore the world. He'd been around taking care of just as much as her mom, while Lorelai worked. He'd filled her head with foreign ideas and desire to live fully. And now she just felt nothing.
'Did you sleep at all?' Jess turned on the night light, and rose on one elbow to see what she was doing.
She nodded negatively. 'Okay, love?' She just returned to leaning on her knees, unable to say anything. He rose in the bed, and climbed off it, to join her on the ground. He gently put one arm around her, and she leaned her head on his shoulder without saying a word. There was nothing to say, and the nothingness was expanding like a parasite in her body, poisoning everything.
2.
She awoke in bed alone, unsure of when they had moved there. There was yelling somewhere in the background. She covered her face with the blanket, holding onto the covers like they held her together. She didn't want to leave the relative safety and warmth of being half asleep in the bed. She looked at the warch. It was 8:03AM. She had to get up for Abi, and the yelling was giving her a stomach ache, but she couldn't move yet. She counted 10 minutes more, her heart racing with the yelling voices, sinking in the relative safety of the matress. The guilt was eating at her. Abi needs you. Finally, she got up, taking things one by one. Get dressed- check. Make the bed, check. Figure out what they are yelling about?
She got out of the room, spotting Jess just as he shut the phone he was yelling in. The room was otherwise empty, as was the house.
She rechecked the time, wondering if she was wrong and it was later. She wasn't.
'Jess?' His face was angry and annoyed, softening up just when he spotted her, and came closer to kiss her. 'What's wrong?'
'Ughm... So Abi and Zach were gone when I got up. Zach called, they are in Hartford for a bit. I'm not sure why but I think it's a mistake. She should be resting. And they could have woken us. I could have gone...'
He was rambling but Rory said nothing, her face not surprised at all, rather guilty. 'What?'
She got out of his hands encircling her waist and started making coffee rigidly, feeling guilty and sick about it. "Rory?'
'I told her we'll go together. I shouldn't have went to sleep.'
'What are you talking about?' Since yesterday she was acting completely strange. Scratch that. It wasn't just yesterday.
'I promised I'll go with her to Hartford. If I hadn't gone to sleep maybe she wouldn't have gone alone.'
One look at her ashy face woke him up. 'She's not alone. I prefer if it was us, but Zach's with her. And knowing her she probably send you to sleep exactly so she could go alone.'
Rory said nothing, rigidly making oatmeal and getting the coffee ready. 'Rory?' He sighed. He'd yelled at Zach for half an hour, but now the annoyance drained out of him. He was worried about way too many people. He himself didn't like Zach being there instead, but he also didn't like the expression Rory had. 'Zach will call us if he needs us and he promises they'll head back in couple of hours. Also I'm definitely checking on them in an hour.'
Rory shrugged, not looking any better.
'Rory? What is going on?'
'I'm making breakfast.' She managed in a low voice, completely detached. She poured oatmeal in 2 bowls, topping them with almond flakes, fresh bananas and strawberries, coconut shavings and maple syrup. Finally she added a spoon of peanut butter to each and handed him one, snuggling on the couch with her cup of coffee and her own bowl.
He sat next to her, not touching the food, even though it smelled good. 'Why are you shutting me out?' She shrugged again, and he put the bowl on the side table, pulling a chair to sit right across from her. He took her hands in his, feeling them cold. She didn't pull away, but she didn't feel there either. 'DON'T. Don't shut me out. We are so beyond that now!'
She shrugged, and got up, pulling her hands out of his.
'Rory? What are you doing?'
'Excuse me?'
'Why are you shutting me out? What is going on?'
The anger bubbled up in her chest. At the absense of anyone else she could direct it to, the words started spilling out of her before she could figure out how to control any of it. Or find the will to care more. The idea of talking made her whole body tingly with nausea. 'Jesus, it's been less than 24h, can you just LAY OFF? I don't need this from you!'
'Be serious...'
'Excuse me?'
'So you freaked last night, so what, like I have no idea what's going on, but okay... Be serious Rory, this is going on since we went to New York.'
'Well, since you seem to have it aaaall figured out...'
'Oh grow up. Jesus. Why are you treating me like we just met right now?'
'Oh great, you said you love me and you've seen me naked so that fucking entitles you to all my secrets, is that what it is?'
'I don't fucking deserve this.'
'So why don't you just go? You're great at that.''' She couldn't stop, like this whole conversation was some train going off the rails and it was too late to think about the damage of a potential crash on your way down. That was better for him, wasn't it? Less complications?
'I'm not leaving you like this. You're not okay.' He tried softly, his fists curling in fists and opening again to contain the anger.
'Oh please stop talking like we'll have a heart to heart and suddenly I won't have any issues. Like you're the master of dealing with your own cr*p.'
'Maybe I haven't had time to deal with it because I've been too busy dealing with yours.' He spat back in anger, the words leaving his mouth before he had a chance to stop himself. She stoped dead in her tracks, her face saying volumes.
'Yeah, well. You're off the hook. I'm going back to sleep. Get me if Abi calls.' She snuck back into the room, He stared, and then kicked the couch in frustration.
'Not going anywhere.' He spat out in frustration, but she was already out of the room. Of all the days to loose his temper, he'd choosen the worst one.
He snuck back in the room and kneeled next to the bed she was laying on.
'I didn't mean all that. You scared me. Rory?'
She sighed, and turned towards the wall, slipping back into sleep. At some point, she felt him next to her, hugging her. He'd though she might protest, but her arms automatically closed over his, seeking the warmth and safety. Then there was darkness again.
3.
He awoke from her twisting out of his grip, sweaty and mumbling into the dream. He shook her awake and her eyes locked in his in desperation, like the mask of indifference from these weeks had slipped during the dream. She was heaving, trying to twist out of his grip, not realizing she was clutching his arms so tight she was leaving nail marks, but he didn't stop her- not until she released a deeper breath and let go. She tried to slip back to turning to the wall. He didn't let go of her hand.
'Rory. You're scaring me.'
She closed her eyes again. He couldn't take it anymore. 'Was it the blood and the bruises? Or is this about your uncle? I don't understand...'
She opened her eyes, angry and pulling away again. 'You have no right to talk about him...'
Whatever she was thinking, her resigning like this was his greatest fear. She knew that. If she couldn't let him in still, that wasn't good. He had to call someone soon if she kept going like this. It was scary. At the worst moments, he'd never seen her shut down like this. He'd seen one other person shutdown like this before- Abi, right before she took all the pills she had. He couldn't let the situation repeat. Even if Rory hated him for prodding.
'You're not okay, Rory. You haven't been okay in a while. You're not talking to your mom really, you stopped going to therapy, you're not talking to me, you're avoiding Paris, you're still not back at school.'
'Get off the bed.'
'I'm not done. Do whatever you want, kick me out, doesn't mean I'm going to let you just give up.'
'Lane needed me. Abi needs me. I didn't have time-'
'Yeah, and what a great friend you're being, destroying yourself when they do need you.'
'FUCk. YOU. I'm not...'
She sighed and laid back, exhausted, the guilt breaking through the wall of nothingness that encircled her. He sighed.
'Okay. I'll go. But if you keep doing this I'm talking to someone about this. I agreed to keep your secrets. I didn't agree to let you self-destruct.'
He got up. heading for the door, and the pain hit her like a hurricane. She said something, so quietly he almost didn't realise it at first. He turned back, trying to figure out if he should stay.
'It was Abi's shirt.' Rory admitted, hating herself for saying those words. It didn't matter. As long as she felt nothing it didn't matter. If she felt nothing that feeling from the flashback wouldn't return and she wouldn't have to think about it.. Except she thought about it every second.
'What?' Jess didn't move, in case somehow that affected her willingness to finally talk.
'I had a dress like this when I was little, pink with little roses on it. I wore it a lot, I wore it on my birthday when I was 6 or 8 or something, I wore it the first time-'
It was the most she'd said since last night. His breath caught in his throat in dread of what she was going to say and he took careful steps back towards the bed. He kneeled next to it, letting her continue. She wasn't though. She was staring at the ceiling for so long, he got scared she'd lock her emotions in again. 'The first time?'
He asked simply. Her shoulders shook from the expanding anxiety, and he reached out a hand next to her. He left it resting close to her, so she could hold it if she wanted. Her fingers reached closed and then stopped. Close but not close. She was staring at the ceileng, laying back, and the whole world was bluring in front of her eyes.
'The first time what?' He repeated quietly.
'I just saw it, her shirt, the roses, the blood, and it came back to me. All of it. I've been trying to hard to not- Fuck. Whatever. It doesn't matter.'
She couldn't believe she was saying this. Her eyesight was filling with black stars every time she took a breath, but she was still there even though a part of her wanted to just slide away. She'd been a master at not feeling for weeks. It was good. Comfortable. She just wanted to keep it that way.
You know I would kill for you, right? It doesn't matter if we were together or not, I'd kill for you.'
She looked at him, and knew he meant it. 'Don't do that.' And then said nothing else.
'OK. Love, you tell me what's going on, or that you'll get help and I promise, I'll start to deal with my stuff too. I wasn't fair. You're not the reason I haven't. Obviously. And I want you to talk to me, okay? I didn't mean what I said. Do we have a deal? I'll face it if you face it.'
4.
Rory was silent for so long, he was sure he'd said too much. And then it all just poured out of her.
'It wasn't the first time he made the game or did anything. But it was the first time he decided to try to take it further. He couldn't because I was too small, obviously, but he tried. He called recently. The night we went to New York actually. To ask forgiveness, or to talk or whatever. What am I supposed to say to that? He didn't stop trying to have sex with a 7-year old because someone stopped him. He stopped because it was too hard and he was late for something. I was 7. And what he ttried-' The words were building, pouring out like poison, like a little more truth and she'd never be able to look herself in the mirror again. 'Don't you see Jess? I was just his break between tasks in the day. What he was doing to me didn't matter, I didn''t matter, I don't matter, I was just an obstacle to him getting off in the middle of his work day. I meant nothing, I was nothing-.'
The rage awoke within him with renewed force as the tears finally started slowly rolling out of her eyes and he digested her words.
His heart broke. He climbed in bed next to her, and pulled her against his chest in the warmest hug he could imagine. He kept kissing her forehead and speaking softly in her hair. 'Baby you matter. Your mom needs you. Lane needs you, Abi needs you. I need you. I love you. You're not inconsequential.'
She cried so hard it cut right through him. What she said, implied rather, it made him sick. Killing didn't seem so off base right now. But he needed to make sure she was better first. When his phone rang, he put it to his ear, holding her in a hug with his other hand, even though she tried to pull away. 'Shhh. Stay.' He said simply, listening to the call. His forehead creased and he intuitively sat a little straighter. Rory tried to slow down her breathing. Something was off. He closed the phone, cursing.
'Jess?'
'We have to drive to Hartford. Abi has fever again, and she fainted.'
She digested for a second, and then crisis mode kicked in. 'Call Zach back. Give him my grandparents adress and phone number. They have a private GP they can call that won't ask questions. We'll meet them there.'
'Rory?'
'Later. Abi needs us.' He kissed her wet cheek, and called Zach back, while she clumsily tried to remember where her clothes were, getting dressed in a hurry. He pulled her hand, holding her in place for a second before they left. He put both of his hands around her face, locking eyes with hers ' Baby, hear me well. You're not inconsequestial. And you're not going through this alone.'
And he hoped to God she actually heard him this time.