Chapter 8
Let's See How Far We've Come
Disclaimer: I don't own GG
Background: An alternative story in Stars Hollow as continuation of my story 'Love the way you lie'. Rory is coping with the consequences of learning she was molested as a child and findind a new path. Lane is torn between her Korean heritage, her dreams of being a drummer and the loss of her father, while living without grownups for a first time. Abigail (Jess' NY ex who is friends with him and Rory as per my previous story) is tending wounds from her past and adjusting to life in the small city. Couples now and/or eventually Rory/Jess, Lane/Tristan, Abigail/Zack, mentions of Lorelai/Luke
The story will switch between the points of view of the three main girls.
Warning: Some chapters may be really triggering
(LANE, the night Abigail arrived)
1.
Everyone was asleep. She and Tristan had taken the bunk beds in the second bedroom, and now the silence hung in the room. While she'd been busy moving, busy shopping and cleaning it was easy to forget. To fill the empty spaces in her with tasks and people and noise. And then Abi came and the sheer shock of what had happened to her had taken most of the night. And then it was night and it was just too quiet. And the emptiness dug into her.
Everything bright and appealing in life, all she wanted to explore and do- it all felt like it had been taken in one fell swoop.
We all want independence. Her rebellion had left her without her mother, her father, and her home. She had read so much about musicians on the road. About people leaving all they knew in pursuit of their passion. It had seemed exciting. It seemed like her whole heart beat for being able to play, create music, be on stage, and change someone's life with her music. It never seemed like it would be so heartbreaking in reality. Her mom was strict to a fault, but she knew she had her back. Somehow, it felt like if she rebelled and failed, she'd have somewhere to return. Like there will always be home. For years, or for a second, it had seemed like that. And like she was going to tell her everything, make peace, fix what was broken in their relationship. Now that second was over. Her mom had set boundaries, and she protested because it was an argument that somehow ended with her losing her home. And she wasn't going to Fuc*ing beg to come back, not a chance.
BUT, she felt it, the absence somewhere low in her ribcage, not just of her mom, but of her dad.
Or everything that annoyed her before but inside of her was intertwined with her knowledge of a home- her mom's food, her store, her rules. Especially when her father was so often away. He was more understanding, but he was not there. When she thought of doing something, her mom's possible opinion always popped in her head- not her father's. Now it was all just mashed in emptiness in her ribcage. The kind where there are not enough tears to fix.
'What are you thinking about?'
She got startled by Tristan's voice. They were laying in the dark for a while, him at the bottom bunk, her on the top one. It felt comforting to not be fully alone, not that she'd tell him ever. But after a bit of saying nothing, she'd almost forgotten he was here. Usually he sounded more cocky and self-assured, but his voice now was soft. Interesting. Still, she said nothing. She hadn't known what to say for so long, it now seemed weird to say something.
'Are you asleep?' He checked and she laughed because this always seemed like a stupid question to her. If you are a light sleeper, then you would wake from it. Hence it defeats the purpose. 'Are you thinking about me?' He asked in a slightly mocking voice.
'WHAT is wrong with you?' Her blood was boiling immediately. And suddenly he was Tristan again: Rory's annoying friend, who was sometimes caring, very good-looking, but way too smug.
'Hey, chill. I was trying to lighten the mood.'
'Read the room, for F*** sake.' She managed under her breath in annoyance. For a second, she thought she'd gotten him to shut up. Honestly, that was the best for his own sake because she wasn't in the mood for bullsh*t. Her heart was speeding, the anger warming her up. For a second, it was quiet again.
2.
There was screeching from underneath her, and Tristan stepped on the bedframe to raise himself to her level. He rested his upper body on the bed frame and took in her face in the dark: eyes black as the night, shiny hair like a waterfall on her shoulders, the black frames of her glasses, the pale skin. He was sure she had no idea how much more beautiful she was than the average girls around him who used lots of makeup and fashionable clothes. He wanted her to know, but he bit his tongue.
'Okay, I'm reading the room.'
She made a face in the dark. 'No, you're staring.'
He grinned and shrugged, not even a little sorry. Then, he got somewhat serious. 'Are you worried about Abigail?'
Fair question, but she wasn't. It was a horrific night, but she'd met Abi when they were in New York. She'd seen that girl be confident and brave and self-assured as hell. Somehow, she had no doubt whatever had gone down, Abi would be back to being that girl in no time. She was beautiful and talented and, from what she'd heard about her jobs and emancipation, a bit of a self-starter. She had zero doubt SHE would manage. And now she was here, and she had all of them to help her. Abi was going to be okay. It was a heavy situation and it weighed on her, but it wasn't the source of the thoughts that dug into her empty chest.
She shook her head negatively. 'No. Whatever is coming her way, I know it's impossibly hard, but I know she'll recover in no time and do amazing.'
'Why do you think you wouldn't?' He asked, still staring, and she blushed in the dark.
'Way to make me feel selfish.'
'I didn't say that. But why do you think you wouldn't?'
She shrugged, suddenly feeling like she was made out of glass and he could look straight in.'Have you seen her? Before tonight?'
'Yes. New York, remember? That's not an answer.' He looked at her softly with some curiosity, and she pulled herself up to sit in the bed. She could feel his aftershave in the darkness, something dark, sandalwood and something else. It was unsettling her. She tried to gather her thoughts and adjusted her glasses in the dark.
'She's- I don't know, she's beautiful and brave and... '
'So are you-'
'- And before now, I never thought of how much I had. I never thought about the education I needed, or about making a living, I just wanted to make music.' She purposefully ignored his words. 'All I wanted was to make music and meet boys and ...'
'I'm failing to see the problem.'
'Yes, you are. Failing to see.'
His forehead creased. Then he carefully traced his thumb over her face, pausing on her lips- tracing, teasing. She stopped breathing, looking straight at him in the dark, hypnotized. To her knowledge, Rory had never fallen for his games. Lane wasn't so sure she could do the same. 'I think you are failing to see, too.'
She didn't move, his fingers still on her lips, their eyes locked. 'Meaning,' She managed to ask, barely above a whisper.
'You will bounce back from this. You have people who love you. And you are beautiful. And brave.'
Before she'd said a thing- or knew what to say anyway- he softly kissed her lips. Just a short, soft, brief kiss, and it was over. She sat without moving in the dark. 'And you don't have to worry about the guys part. One thing less to think about.'
She laughed out loud suddenly from the absurdity of this moment.
'Thanks, that is great for my ego.' He muttered in protest. She stopped, her cheeks pink.
'Tristan, you can't possibly be serious with all this.'
And now, the playfulness was gone. He got cold suddenly and then he stepped off the bed frame, and he was back in his own bed as quickly as it had all happened. WHAT had happened? She wasn't sure, but him acting this way didn't feel good. Had she offended him? She didn't feel like she had the power. She was herself and he was surrounded by girls, and extremely rich. And what he found interesting in her was beyond her understanding, but somehow it felt like she'd hurt him. Not that she should be thinking about this.
'Tristan?' She asked in the dark quietly. There was so much silence that she started to feel alone again, and the emptiness hurt. 'Tristan?' She insisted again. She had forgotten how they got there. Just that he had kissed her, and she had laughed and now it was over. The door opened then, and Zach came in. He asked them something about CDs with blues and jazz, fumbled in the dark to find them, and assured them he'd take Tristan's turn to watch Abi. And then he was gone.
3.
Tristan was quiet. She'd wanted that from the start, but she didn't now. Without being sure why, she snuck down the bed, sitting on the mattress next to him. He had his arms crossed on his chest in defiance. He said nothing, staring at the ceiling.
'I didn't mean-' she started, but the right words weren't just coming to her. And he wasn't helping the situation.'I shouldn't even be thinking about-' She stopped again, the truth choppy and messy and senseless in her heart. She couldn't put it in words for herself. She didn't bother with him. He raised a brow.
'But you are?'
'What?'
'Thinking about it? I mean I was just trying to make you feel better, not-'
Oh, so it was like that?! He was just appeasing her or something, like he was the grand price of life? A bunch of curse words she couldn't utter were swirling in her brain. But clearly he read her face, because he pulled her rashly to his body, kissing her a bit more intently this time. Her blood was swirling and boiling. She was sure it was from the anger and she pushed him away.
'Fuck you, I'm fine.'
He smiled.'Yes, you are.'
'Not like that, you d-'
'Okay, okay. I won't kiss you again until you ask me-'
'What? As if, get over-'
He laughed in the dark, deep and melodic and a bit conceited, but it filled some of the emptiness.
The blood was rushing through her head, her chest rising and falling. And then the emptiness was back, so suddenly it almost hurt physically. She stopped laughing. It wasn't funny anymore. She was alone and homesick, and heartbroken, and it wasn't funny anymore. He stared at her in a different way now. Then he rose in the bed and hugged her deeply, pressing his warm body around hers. She clung to the hug like it was a life preserver in the ocean. Something silly, something stupid, something... good?
She pushed his body away, too exhausted to want to debate how broken everything was.
She summoned all her braveness to push away all the questions swirling in her brain. Then she leaned in and she pressed his lips on his, teasing him until his lips parted. Until he leaned forward, digging fingers in her hair, until they were so intertwined there was nothing else. She played and teased and explored the way she was never allowed to before, the way she'd wanted. She pulled away briefly. 'This isn't anything, we aren't sleeping together, this isn't a relationship-'
He was still playing with her jawline, tracing her neck with tiny kisses. He couldn't do anything but agree blindly. 'Fine with me.'
'But you're clear that-'
'You set the rules, clear as day. Now, will you come here or not?' He pulled her gently by the waist, and she yielded. The top of her body pressed over his, and they continued making out for a long time. To her relief, he didn't cross the line she'd set. And for a night, just for a night, things were okay. All hell had broken loose. Abi was sick, and somehow Rory didn't seem okay either. She missed her dad, she was heartbroken over her mom, and she was worried about money every day, every hour. But just for a moment, things were okay. It was stupid, thinking about this when all hell was breaking loose. But life was going to be chaotic in the morning as well, and she couldn't sleep with the pain in her chest. It was stupid and ignorant, she thought.
But it felt good. And it's all that mattered.