Happy Valentines Day, everybody. (If you can actually read this on Valentines Day because held together and didn't make this chapter not load for no reason.)

I thought this would be the perfect time to release this little treat of a chapter. There won't be any mushy stuff if that's not your thing, so don't worry. This is just for fun. With some light teasing at fandom culture.

I own nothing.

On with the show!

The cold wind blew over Jack as he pushed the doors open into the Hazbin Hotel. The chill gave way to tolerable warmth as he made his way inside. It did little to boost the samurai's spirits.

Jack sighed as he took his hat off before placing it on its usual hook by the door. Another day in Hell, another failed journey to return home. Jack outdid himself and managed to find three dead ends in one day. Most rumors were just manipulations from sinners to try and get Jack to kill one of their rivals, or even someone who just owed them money.

Now, Jack was actually looking forward to retiring to his room for the night. Maybe even have one of those fangled hot showers. Those were so convenient, he was almost beginning to prefer them to baths.

Jack made his way into the main foyer of the hotel. The stairs were in his view, and his room awaited him just beyond them.

"Oh, Jack!"

Jack turned his head at the call of his name. There was princess Charlie cheerily waving at him from the hotel parlor. She was joined by Vaggie as per unusual, but also Angel Dust, Sir Pentious, and Husk. They all sat in chairs and couches arranged in a semicircle around the fireplace.

"Perfect timing. We were just about to start today's activities." Charlie smiled. "Why don't you come join us?"

Jack looked back towards the staircase. He supposed he could spare a few moments for the princess before he retired for the night. Besides, sitting by the fire was still very relaxing after a long day.

Jack walked over to the parlor. He nodded in greeting. "Hello, everyone."

Vaggie nodded back. Sir Pentious raised his hand in a formal salute. Husk snored. The cat had seemingly passed out in his chair after yet another alcoholic binge.

"Sup," Angel Dust gave the only verbal greeting. The spider's previous face of indifference broke into a sly grin. "Oh, and congratulations."

Jack took his seat on the couch. "For what?"

The light of the fire sparkled off Angel's single gold tooth. "For bagging a bad bitch like Verosika Mayday."

"What!?" The second Jack sat down, he shot up again almost immediately. "I did no such thing!"

But Jack's protests could hardly be heard over the high-pitched cackles of Angel Dust.

"God dammit," Vaggie pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Not cool, Angel," Charlie tried her best to admonish while onto sounding too harsh. The result sounded something like a middle-aged tutor feeling too desperate to be liked.

"Aw, c'mon, I'm just yanking his chain," Angel said through his fits of giggles.

"Still," Jack crossed his arms. "I fail to see how that is any of your business."

"You're kidding, right?" Angel raised an eyebrow. "You can't expect me to let this sleeping dog lie. It's all everyone's been talking about!"

Jack blinked. "What?"

"Hold on," Charlie looked very lost. "How long has this been going on?"

"Okay, the succubus is technically a new player," Angel shrugged. "But ever since Jack's handsome mug popped up on their screens, everyone on the seven rings have been wondering who he's screwing."

"You mean…" Jack rubbed his head as he felt it begin to ache. "There are denizens of Hell who speculate on… my romantic partners?"

"Speculate's a bit vanilla a word," Angel pulled out his hellphone before he began scrolling. "The pricks are obsessed with it. There are theories, 'speculative art', and more fanfiction than you can toss into a toxic waste dump. Ooh," Angel clicked something on his screen. "Bookmarking that one for later."

Jack massaged his temples as he groaned. He was definitely getting a headache.

"Um…" Sir Pentious spoke up. "Are there any ssspeculations about who I'm sssleeping with? Ssspecifically with any explosive rivalsss of mine?"

"Hmm… nope." Angel looked up from his phone. "Everyone's pretty certain you're a virgin."

Pentious' frills drooped. "Drat."

"Wait, hold on," Charlie raised her hand to hit the pause button. "So people are making up stories about who Jack is going to end up with?"

"May we please speak of something else?" Jack bemoaned.

"Aw, don't be like that Jack, it sounds kind of fun." Charlie seemed way too accepting of this just because it was her people talking about something other than impending doom. "Who are they setting him up with, Angel?"

"Eh…" Angel scrunched his face as he looked at his screen. "Something tells me you won't be as amused. Unless, of course, her highness and the samurai have been secretly sneaking behind our backs to make the pink cherry blossoms bloom."

"They most certainly have not!" Oddly enough, it was Vaggie who shot up to protest. The accused, Jack and Charlie, just lightly blushed in shocked silence.

"Why the hell would anyone even consider that?" Vaggie growled. "Just because he lives here? What, do people think I'm sleeping with Jack?"

Angel only smirked and raised an eyebrow. His expression alone said 'you already know the answer to that question.'

"Ugh," Vaggie dragged a hand down her face. "Great. So apparently I'm not dating my girlfriend, and we're just taking turns screwing the same guy."

"I didn't say that," Angel countered. "In fact, one of the most popular theories is that you, Charlie, and Jack are all in a poly-three-way relationship."

"Oh," Vaggie blinked. Her anger seemed to bizarrely disappear somehow. She crossed her arms and shrugged. "Well, that's slightly better, I guess."

"It is?" Jack's jaw dropped. Out of all the residents in the hotel, he expected Vaggie to be the one to see the absurdity of situation. But she seemed to be fine with anything so long as she was still dating the princess.

"Wait you said that was one of the most popular?" Charlie spoke up. "Who are the top theories?"

"Well, let me search by most popular," Angel clicked a few digital buttons before bringing up a new page. "Let's see, besides you and Vags, Verosika Mayday is a popular pick."

"And a fruitless one," Jack rolled is eyes. "All interactions are purely professional."

"Some are saying he's screwing a Goetic prince,"

"Ah, yes," Jack shook his head. "I've heard that foolish notion before."

"And a lot of people think he's screwing Carmilla Carmine. Or one of her daughters. Or Carmilla Carmine and her daughters."

"I have not even met those demons!" Jack smacked his forehead. "This is absurd!"

"And for all the marbles…" Angel scrolled up. "The one theory that most everyone believes/fantasizes about, the one with the most fanfic, fanart, and Jack's number one friend with benefits is…"

Angel blinked. He stared at his screen like he couldn't believe the results. He reloaded the page to make sure it was correct. He scratched his head. "Some random, goth, hellhound chick?"

Jack blinked. "Loona?"

He wasn't even aware there was a photo of the two of them together. Some sinner must have taken it when the two of them investigated Zeezi's club.

"Oh?" Angel's confusion disappeared. He looked up at Jack with a VERY knowing smirk. "You know her by name, do ya? And I haven't even shown the photo yet. I'm starting to think there might be some truth to this particular ship gossip."

For what must have been the fifth time in this conversation alone, Jack felt his cheeks blush. "It is not like that!"

"Ooh," Angel mocked. "Me thinks the samurai doth protest too much!"

"Awww…" Charlie suddenly popped over Angel's seat, getting a full view of his phone screen. "She looks really cute, Jack."

The princess paused her cooing as she gasped. "Oh my gosh, you should totally bring her over to the hotel sometime! We would love to meet her!"

Jack held his face in his hands. That was it. He had been completely and utterly defeated, and it wasn't even by Aku's hand. He began walking out of the parlor. "I'm going to my room."

"What? But wait, we haven't even shown off what tonight's activity was going to be-" The princess' protests were cut off as her guardian grabbed her shoulder.

"Let him go, hun," Vaggie shook her head. "Trust me, he's earned this."

"LOONY! LOONY, PLEASE OPEN UP!"

Loona's door continued to bang like a drum as the imp on the other side continued to throw himself against wood.

Loona groaned as the bangs added to her pounding headache. And somehow, that wasn't the worst part of this situation.

Loona regretted ever having the mere notion of introducing Bltizø to social media. If she had known it would have led to the most mortifying moment of her life, she would've just eaten the phone. She grabbed her ears and pulled them down, but the noise still permeated her brain.

"SWEETIE, JUST TALK TO ME! TELL DADDY IT ISN'T TRUE!"

Loona groaned as she held her burning face in her hands. "Shut up, da- I-I mean Blitz-! I mean- SHUT UP!"

She curled up on her bed, face burning hotter than Satan's personal sauna. Her fur probably looked more red than white now. She grabbed her pillow and threw it over her head before screaming to anyone in heaven who could listen.

The pillow did little to muffle her, or the desperate pleads of Blitzø and his banging. Maybe she should just use it to smother herself. Or she could just throw herself out the window. Anything to free her from this Hell.

"TELL ME YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY DATING THAT SELF-RIGHTEOUS WEEB WINDBAG!"

On second thought, it would be pointless. Whatever afterlife awaited her kind, this embarrassment would follow her there.

Here you go, a little Valentine's Day treat. Figured it'd be nice to spend some more time with the main Hazbin cast since Jack hasn't seen them in a while on the main story.

And if this doesn't make my shipping plan clear, I don't know what will. Sorry, if you don't vibe with it. The Harkness test isn't for everybody (though Loona is far from the worst example of this.) Good news is though, it will be a slow burn.