King: THREE PARTER!

Knox: What is it this time?

King: You know already. But for you all in the audience! We're kicking off Halloween with a story of Vampires, Masquerades, and Hunters.

Knox: And Parenting!

King: I have cut down this episode because I REALLY want you all to go to this one and enjoy it. Go check out the original. It's free on YouTube and they have a playlist of all the content in chronological order. We'll only cover the main, numbered episodes, but there's a lot of content to enjoy when you get down to it. ALSO! News! My Ao3 account, Knoxs_Garden, is about to have its own exclusive content. I plan to release a series of stories called "Bowl of Dates" because puns. They'll be one chapter stories around romantic outings and shipping fodder. The reason it'll only be on Ao3 is because they'll be easier to keep separated but grouping them together in a collection. Also, because Knox's Garden will allowed to grow lemons.

Knox: DAMN RIGHT! I'm the true internet trash of this duo! No classiness required! They won't all be smutty or anything, but it'll happen.

King: Anyway, I hope you all enjoy the story and check out the original.

Inspiration: Hunters: the Parenting by Bruva Alfabusa on YouTube.

/\

King chuckled a bit as an idea popped into his head, "Alright everybody. We're gonna do another three parter. Get ready for the long haul."

Yang sighed, "Oh boy. What's this one going to be?"

"A nice family outing."

"Really?" Saphron didn't believe him.

"Yep. With his father, brother, brother-in-law, and son."

"So a boy's night, huh? Wait, brother? Who's the brother?"

"Could be anyone. We'll just have watch and see."

The scene opened to a black screen with white letters, [Norfolk, England 2006].

"Norfolk?" Ruby asked.

"England?" Yang continued.

The camera showed a bus coming to a stop in an unknown woodland area at night.

The camera shifted inside as Ren stood up from his seat. "So, are we there?" Ren was wearing a green hoodie with what looked like a pair of cat ears on the top of the hood (but was still just fabric) and a pair of pink-tinted goggles over his eyes.

"About fucking time!" A new face walked into frame. He was a unit of muscle and had a near constant grin on his face. His dark hair fell to his shoulders as he wore an open, dark blue jacket with white fur along the collar, a black tank top, grey shorts, and an orange belt with a large G for a buckle. The patriarch of this family unit, Gira, spoke with a jovial tone, "Gather round everyone!"

Seeing her husband act that way got Kali to chuckle a bit. She couldn't help it! Especially when her Gira pulled a shocked and embarrassed face that he did. It was so cute~

Blake, meanwhile, didn't know what to think. She never heard her father act so… peppy. She was a lot like her father, so while the occasional curse word is nothing new, the hyper extroversion was just wrong on either of them.

A young boy was shaking off sleep as he stood from his makeshift bed. He was a young lad, maybe about ten years old. He wore a yellow sweater that was a size too big for him with a pale scarf. He realized his situation in the area and shivered a little, "Spooking woods…"

"You bet your bottom dollar, boy!"

"Pound, dad." The new figure to join the frame was Neptune, dressed in a dark coat, graphic t-shirt, and dark pants. He was a bit of a mess, but still gave off 'nerd' vibes. "Bottom pound. We live in England now."

"Okay." Neptune tapped his chair in thought, "So, I'm either the brother or in-law to Jaune then. Ren would be the other of those two. Gira is his dad. And the kid would be his son. That stuff is the easy part. But why go to some woods at night?"

"NEVERMIND THE FUCKING MONEY, NEPTUNE!" Gira went off for a moment. He was too excited for nitpicking. "Just breath it in! That fresh ectoplasmic air!" He took a deep breath before letting out a laugh, "It's thick with geists!"

"The Grimm?" Ruby asked, more concerned than before.

"There are no Grimm in this world." King clarified.

The boy shook in fear, "please no ghosts in lungies."

Saphron was now in auntie mode, "Aw~! He's so cute!"

"Fret not, boy." The camera panned up to reveal a unit of a man. He was dressed in dark overalls, a white shirt, and boots. His blonde hair was cut short, but accented nicely with a full beard. Jaune Arc reached down to pat his son on the shoulder, "Ghosts do not haunt lungies."

"Good gods that man is built!" Coco remarked.

Gira folded his arms as he laughed, "My darling son-in-law! Why don't you tell the family where we are?"

"Oh!" Ren reacted, "Right! Sure thing, sir."

"Uh… hello?! Sir?" Gira waved his hands mocking the word. "Come on! Just call me dad!"

Neptune just sighed from behind Ren, "You can keep calling him G. Don't stress about it."

"Right. Um… We are on one of Norfolk's many ghost walks. It is allegedly very haunted and we are very much walking on it."

"Neat." Neptune cut in, "So, suggestion; dad. Maybe tell all of us where we're headed before we arrive next time."

Jaune nodded, "This would be practical."

Gira started to laugh before cutting back to a quick, "Suggestion vetoed."

"That was fast." Whitely commented.

Jaune paused a moment before asking, "Why?"

"Because otherwise we'd have to hear Neptune whining about he dun wanu gooo!" Gira mocked those last lines.

Ren couldn't help but snicker, "That's fair. He does do that."

"No it's not!" Neptune tried to defend himself. "I don't winge! I don't complain…"

Ren started to chuckle, "I don't know how to break this to you, but!"

"Okay! Okay. Fine. But not like that. Not since I was like… fifteen."

Nora had to say what many of them were thinking, "They sound like they're dating."

Sun snickered, "That must be why Ren's the son-in-law."

Gira just brushed that off, "Wasn't your 'Big Fifteen' like… last year? With the magic wizard card game and the clowns?"

Neptune just deadpanned, "That was my thirtieth birthday."

Gira felt his eye twitch that his counterpart didn't know how old his own son was.

Neptune was just embarrassed for his counterpart.

Jaune smirked, "Clown birthday. I believe that's what we -video gamers- call and 'epic failure,' brother." He was mocking him.

And it was working, "You've never even heard of G-Mod, Jaune!"

The boy spoke up, "I'm eleven."

"You're WHAT?!" Gira shouted in shock, only to instantly chill out, "Eh, whatever. I don't respect time. It's an odious concept. NOW LISTEN UP! My darling son-in-law, you have graciously brought our attention to this ghost walk."

"It is quite the hike into a wooded area." Ren remarked.

"It shall be an exciting outing for the whole family! Is that understood?!"

Arslan had to hold back a chuckle, "I can't tell if he's trying to have fun or threaten them with it."

Jaune spoke in a bit of a monotone, "I like excitement."

And Neptune had to bring something up, "So… is this the place with all those missing persons reports?"

"Oh course!" Gira didn't hesitate. "Who do you take me for?"

The boy looked up, not sure he heard that right. "What?"

"What indeed! But be brave, boy!" Gira got down onto one knee to look his grandson in the eye. Purge yourself of cowardness! It's half the reason we're here."

"Father," Jaune attempted to reason with his father, "a scary movie would have sufficed as a more appropriate first step."

But Gira had none of it. "His first steps into terror shall be in real life, not a movie film. We shall throw the boy into the dread inferno and see his fearful hide BURN AWAY IN THE CONFLAGRATION!" He then proceeded to laugh like a mad man.

Making Gira all the more embarrassed and getting some chuckles out of his old friends and wife.

Jaune just narrowed his eyes. "We are not throwing my son into a fire." See, Jaune was very literal. He didn't get metaphors and took them at face value.

Gira returned to his normal tone of voice, "Jaune, I will find a way to make an analogy physical and smack you with it."

That line got Yang to sputter before going into full laughter.

Gira just huffed, "Alright! Let's get moving!"

The scene shifted to them as they walked through the dark, foreboding woods. The camera hung on Ren and Neptune as they walked at a brisk pace. As they walked, Neptune asked Ren, "So… how much of this place do you remember?"

"Eh, not too much. I remember me and the boys used to dare each other to go in here alone."

"SpOoOky." Neptune mocked. "But, to be fair, these woods are bloody creepy, so I get it."

"Bloody Mary." Ren started a little joke.

"Quite contrary." Neptune picked up.

"How does your garden grow?"

"With silver bells and cockleshells…"

They both proceeded to snap to saying, "Cock!" as a gag.

The gag got Yang and Nora to snicker.

Weiss sighed, "how mature…" Sarcasm oozed from every word.

Ren just shrugged, but Neptune at least was a little embarrassed being called out like that.

"STOP RUINING THE MOOD!" Gira shouted at them.

Neptune called back to him, "We're just talking about Cockthorpe, dad. Relax. It's just down the road from home."

"Wait," Yang paused, "Is that a place?"

"Yes." Knox chuckled, "Cockthorpe is a real place in this world."

Ren decided to say, "Hey, did you know Cockthorpe has a church?"

Only for Neptune to look at him like he was crazy, in a fun way. "That's like saying Cockthorpe has a pub. That's the most mundane thing you could've said."

But it got Ren chuckling.

Then, there was a sound that made the little Arc jump, "Ghost monke!"

"Purge yourself of these noises boy!" Gira was back to 'encouraging' his grandson. "Concentrate. You are the master of your reality! Whip it into submission with your GIANT, POWERFUL ARMS!" He moved ahead for a moment before standing in front of an off trail path. "Halt!" The camera moved to show a darker part of the forest, as if cut off from the moonlight beaming down from above. "Let's go into the woods."

"We're already in the woods." Neptune spoke up, but conceded, "That's what you meant…" The group began to walk down the off path, clearly not part of the conventional trail. As they go, they found Gira staring down a large, perfectly circular hole. "Bloody hell."

"Well that's suspicious." Sun remarked.

"Incredibly." Blake confirmed.

But Gira was undeterred, he held up a flashlight and just said, "Torches ready everyone."

"Torch?" Ruby asked.

"Must be a language difference." Yang offered.

Velvet proceeded to nod, "My village actually calls them Torches. They're used like them, so it made sense when they were thinking it over."

"That's fair."

"Going in."

They proceeded to descend the side of the hole, each with their own flair. Gira practically dove into the hole. Ren and Neptune both jumped slightly to gain speed. Jaune and his son took their time and slid down the side. Once below the surface, the group shined their flashlights around the area. There were a few tunnels, but one thing stuck out. There was a larger room off to the side. It housed a series of basic supplies, like shovels, beds, and some boxes. But one oddity was the lack of food or any sign of packaging for said food.

"Well that's… concerning." Ironwood tapped his foot on the ground. The lack of food or any containers made no sense. Everything else was there, even if it was barebones. But no food or water? That made no sense. Unless they didn't need it…

As they looked around, Jaune's son aimed his light around before getting spooked. Jaune instantly moved to his child and toward what could have gotten to him. "There's no need to be scared. It's just a picnic table." Sure enough, there was a perfectly crafted picnic table across from them in the cave.

Weiss had to take a moment seeing that, "Okay, why?"

Yang just shook her head, "Yeah, I got nothing."

Jaune, a hobbyist carpenter, took in the design. "A moment. I'd like to measure the board width. The design is exquisite and I wish to see if I may learn something."

Jaune's son felt a little better with how his father was so relaxed, but he was still a little scared. He looked around before he swore he caught something in the light. But as he flicked back, there was nothing there. He tried to focus, trying to figure out what he could have seen there. But there was only stone. Then there suddenly wasn't just stone. The camera was in the boy's point of view in time to show a jumpscare of a humanoid face that looked like it was melting.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" The voice that shouted out scared nearly everyone in the room. Pyrrha was currently latched onto Jaune, shaking like a leaf in a storm. It surprised everyone as to how suddenly she could be spooked like that. Jaune quickly wrapped his arms around her to help comfort her, and it did seem to help. After a moment, she was able to calm down, "Sorry… I'm… not good with ghosts."

As Jaune's son justifiably freaked out, the figure reached out and grabbed him. Jaune heard this and turned to see the tall thing holding his son. "Let him go, now!" But he now failed to notice another face forming in the darkness. The figure jumped up and bit into Jaune's neck.

The tall figure started to chuckle. "Two for two." The voice sounded like a sunken, echo-y version of Mercury. "Don't worry kid. It'll all be over soon."

Mercury couldn't place it, but something about this version rubbed him the wrong way.

As Jaune's attacker drank the blood from his neck, a blowtorch was pushed into his face before igniting. It burned his eye and forced him off, scaring Mercury into the darkness. As the shorter attacker groaned out in pain, they were able to recognize him as Tyrian. The holder of the blowtorch was revealed to be Neptune, "You good Jaune?"

"I am fine." Jaune ran to his son and grabbed him, picked him off the ground, and placed him into a carrier on his chest. He then immediately pulled a gun from his back and shot Mercury. The boy saw it coming and covered his ears.

Yang couldn't help but laugh at first, "That was instant!"

"You don't mess with family." Saphron said, matter of factly.

Mercury, shot in the chest, fell back before moving up in a crouch. "You fucks! Y-your armed?!"

"There's more of you guys, isn't there?" Ren asked, as he snapped out a staff with a musket taped to the end with a wooden stake for an extra attachment.

Ruby was just more confused in the situation. "Why would… what on…"

"Wooden stakes… So they're not ghosts?" Pyrrha seemed to ease up a bit. "They're vampires?"

King nodded, "Sorry for the shock, but yes. They're vampires, not ghosts."

"Okay." Pyrrha felt a little embarrassed at her outburst, but now she had her arms wrapped around Jaune and he was wrapped around her in turn. She was content.

Ren turned to Neptune, "Light it up!"

"On it!" Neptune took out a massive ball of glow sticks and crushed them all together. Once they were all active, he tossed them into the room and they shattered out, revealing the full group.

There was the tall Mercury, the shorter Tyrian, what looked like a larger man with sandy blond hair, and a weirdo in the background with a comedic wizard's hat. Jaune's son asked the question, "Are these guys ghosts?"

"No, boy." Ren answered, "They're vampires. Kindred. But these guys are probably just licks."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL US, BLOODBAG?" The big guy shouted, revealing the voice of Shay D. Mann, a Braunwen thug.

Causing Raven to just shake her head, disappointed in how sad that guy is in general.

"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN?"

"I'm freshly read up."

"WELL I GOT A NEW NAME FOR YOU! DEAD MEAT!"

"Shut up shitbeard!" Mercury interrupted, "You! Green one. Keep talking."

"Well, tell me if I'm wrong, but you seem like a Sludge-lad," Ren pointed at Mercury, "a human-animal type hybrid," Tyrian, "And a biker type," Shay.

Shay shot back saying, "It's pronounced Clan Brujah!"

"What?"

Mercury yelled back at him, "Shitbeard! Stop platforming the antediluvian concept of clans in front of the potential shovelheads!"

Ruby just blinked, "Anti-what?"

King answered, since no one else could, "It's a reference to a time of a world-wide flood as detailed in the three largest religions of this world. Basically, it just means really old in this context."

Ren finished writing that down, "And lastly, you," he picked out the last vampire. "Are a vampire wizard."

Said wizard seemed to have a crisis, "HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THIS?!" They didn't recognize the voice.

And Gira just shot back, "We have GIANT brains. You're not that hard for us to figure out. Now, let's get to work!"

Jaune just shot Shay, cold as ice.

Mercury scoffed, "Alright, that's enough of that. Kill the Hunters!"

Shay leapt into the air, intent on getting blood out of Jaune and his son. Jaune spun around and took the hit, the vampire's claws digging into his shoulders as he shielded his child. Shay then used his enhanced strength to send Jaune up into the ceiling before he fell again. He landed with hands bracing him and keeping his son from harm. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah! Are you!?"

"No."

Ciel winced, "At least he's honest."

Mercury jumped up and kicked Neptune in the eye, knocking him over. "Name's Mercury. Figured you wanted to know the name of the guy about to eat your goddamn soul."

"Back off!" Ren ran in and skewered Mercury's hand with the wooden stack bayonet on his gun-stick. A valiant effort, but they were all getting knocked around.

Tyrian knocked Jaune onto the picnic table with a laugh, "You never should have come here, blood bags! The Sword of Caine shall cleave you in twain!"

Jaune used the moment to pick up the picnic table and set it up as a makeshift barrier.

"Seriously?" Whitely asked. "What's that going to do? Is it supposed to stop them?"

Winter tapped her chair in thought, "It might not have to. Just slow them down."

In the background, Ren was getting pummeled by Shay as the vampire just kept shouting, "Get bent!" over and over again.

"Oi!" Nora was offended on Ren's behalf.

Mercury removed the stake from his hand, "Any other tricks you had up your sleeve?" Only to get a blowtorch to the face.

Neptune got up behind Shay and held up the blowtorch, "HEY!" His shout grabbed the biker's attention, creating a stand-off situation. "Do yourself a favour and stop brutalizing my fiance."

"Aw~" Nora couldn't help but grin, "Good for them."

Ren shook his head, but didn't say anything else. He was still a little emotionally numb, so he didn't know if it fit him or not.

Neptune just shrugged. Too used to everything by this point.

The scene moved to show Tyrian jump onto the picnic table, his claws digging into the wood. He then broke the surface with a laugh, "Your fortress is sieged, bloodbag."

Jaune then poked his gun through a broken section and shot Tyrian. He pushed the table over him before using the stake on the end of his gun to pierce Tyrian's heart. It didn't kill him, but it rendered him immobile. "One down!"

"Jaune got one!" Ren called out, drawing the attention of Mercury.

It was thus revealed that Mercury's eyes were burned in, "I don't need eyes to kill. I can still hear you!"

"Well, if it's any consolation, you're the nastiest vampire I've ever seen."

"Admiring the monster, are you?"

"No, not really." This got Mercury to laugh before he leapt at Ren, intent to kill. But Ren held up his spear and skewered Mercury through his center. "You seemed smarter than the others. But an angry vampire is a predictable vampire."

"Y-you got me there…" Mercury went stock still as his energy faded out.

Neptune, meanwhile, was getting the shit kicked out of him by Shay. Shay screamed at him, "You don't get to come into our space! You don't get to fight back in our war! All you get is death!" This last hit was punctuated by a punch to the groin.

A blow that made every guy in the room tense up in sympathy.

Neptune was swaying back and forth, the damage piled up on his body. "At least… turn me?"

"Are you serious?" Sun asked.

Neptune shrugged, "I mean, if I had to be any kind of crazy myth race, I could do worse."

This got under Shay's skin, "You want to be Embraced? Spoiled shitbag! You're only good for meat!" He charged in and was ready to stick his fangs into Neptune, before he went still as well.

Neptune chuckled as he righted himself a bit more. "Embraced, huh? Well, it looks like I embraced you~" He opened his coat to reveal a vest with wooden stakes set onto it.

Yang just had to concede that. "Puns and a crazy idea. Nice."

Ren did a quick count, "Wasn't there another one?"

"There is, yes." Gira's voice drew them over. He was currently on the end of the wizard's knife and held hostage.

As the group tried to move in, the wizard shouted, "Don't move!" A red light took over the area and they all stopped in their tracks.

"I can't move." Neptune shook, trying to move.

"It must be his wizard powers." Jaune offered.

"YOU FOOLISH MORTALS DARE TO INVADE THE LAIR OF MIGHTY KEVIN?!"

That name got Yang and Ruby to snicker, "Really?" Yang chuckled out. "Kevin? That's his evil wizard name, Kevin."

"THESE TUNNELS ARE NOT FOR YOU TO TRAVERSE! THESE TUNNELS ARE THE LAND OF THE CAINITE! AND YOU CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE KNOWING OF THEIR EXISTENCE! YOU FOUL SWINE! YOU HAVE MADE ME… MADE ME SO, SO HUNGRY." He proceeded to bite into Gira's neck.

Kali was instantly on 'kill that bastard in particular' mode.

Kevin kept sucking Gira's blood, "THIS SWEET NECTAR. A DELIGHT FOR THE SENSES. ADDICTING. THE GREAT AND MIGHTY KEVIN DEMANDS MORE!" He began to suck even harder.

As the sons all tried to move, Gira was trying to speak. Something must be said. "It's… it's a… it's a good thing I came here, ab-sol-utely FUCKED on DMT!" He then proceeded to laugh like a mad man.

Kali's mood couldn't hold and she burst out laughing.

Kevin's eyes went wide as he felt the effects of some strong drugs coursing through the man's system.

"As expected of Sir-G!" Ren called out. "He knew putting narcotics in his system would befuddle the vampire!"

"That is definitely why I did that!" Gira responded.

"It's spell is broken!" Ren flipped his spear around and threw it into Kevin's head, hitting his eye.

"Nice toss considering he had a hostage." May spoke up.

And her sudden vocalization caused Arslan, sitting next to her, to jump, "I forgot you were here."

"Yeah…" May sighed.

Kevin groaned as he picked himself up, the spear stuck halfway through his head, "No. NO. I AM THE GREAT MIGHTY KEVIN! YOU ARE SHIT… SPIT ROTTING IN A DITCH COMPARED TO ME!" He pulled the spear out of his head before getting into a stance with his good eye glowing. "YOU WILL OBEY!"

Ren grit his teeth, "We've got more mind control, lads."

Gira was smirking however, "Remember, like I trained you!"

"Break eye contact." Jaune started.

And Neptune finished, "and shatter concentration!"

Gira, Jaune and his son, Ren, and Neptune all put on sunglasses before taking in a big breath. After a moment, they all yelled in unison. Kevin's concentration was thoroughly fucked as he shouted at them to stop, but they just got closer with wooden stakes in hand. They then dove onto the wizard and skewered him for good measure.

The scene was comedic enough to get most of the good natured laughing.

The scene returned to the bus as Jaune tossed Kevin onto a pile with the rest. They weren't dead, but they wouldn't move as long as the stakes are in there.

Gira laughed jovially, "Excellent work everyone! A few more piles like these and you'll be ready for the big leagues!"

"Four vamps!" Neptune was delirious, but excited, "That's more than we ever caught before." His mood soured slightly as he turned to his father, "And maybe we can actually study them this time?"

"Neptune, I am so proud of your scholastic habits!" Gira responded, "Just leave the wizard to me and you can have the lot."

Ren, meanwhile, was speaking low at the realization, "Bringing murderous vampires… into my house to experiment on. Great…"

"Passive aggression solves nothing." Raven chastised the screen character. "It's a sign of weakness."

"So is running from your family," Sienna bit back, "But what do I know?"

"What do you know? Last I checked you were a terrorist that couldn't even be bothered to face your enemy head on."

"Well you need to get checked then!" The tiger was having none of it. "Even in the Fang, I advocated for our defense and to strike against large targets that actively meant us harm! I never ONCE called to attack innocent civilians!"

"And yet you all did." Raven smirked, feeling like she won an argument forming, "Just proves poor leadership then."

Sienna didn't rise to the challenge. She knew the Fang outgrew her control and her militarization of the cause without adding structure led to their descent into full on terrorism. She knew she failed, but she chose to learn and improve from that point. But that was for later. She needed to rest and let tensions loosen a bit.

Jaune patted his son on the shoulder, "You did good today."

The boy growled at the pile, "I hate vampires… so HECKIN much!"

"Boy! Language."

That got Yang to laugh now. "Seriously?"

Winter shrugged, I've heard worse.

"No, boy! You're doing well." Gira offered, "Learning to sublimate HATE in place of FEAR is all part of becoming a well-adjusted adult. Like ME!" Says the over-the-top, built like a brick shithouse, currently still very high man.

Gira in the seats didn't like the phrasing. He really didn't like it. It made sense for things like the Grimm, but only just. After all, one can fear their neighbor if they've never known them. One can find fear in many things. But that can create hate in its own form. That's what created the prejudice against Faunas in the first place, and what created the backlash against humans.

"Father," Jaune was about to challenge, "I don't think that's…"

"Shut it! More importantly," Gira then knelt down and started to dote on his grandson, "You did wonderfully today!"

"All I did was scream…" the boy disagreed.

"The journey of a hundred miles begins with a single step." Jaune reminded him.

And Gira picked that up from there, "And your journey has only just begun! This is the first step on your road to confidence! Now, let's get back to the house. We've got vampires to interrogate!"

The scene faded out as they began to leave in their bus.

"Well that was a trip." Yang chuckled.

Gira grunted in annoyance at his variation, but happy it was over.

"Aw, you think we're done here~" Knox had the biggest grin on his face.

"What do you mean?" Tai asked.

"THREE PARTER!"