"I do not own Ranma 1/2 or Tenchi Muyo. This is my first fic after reading many from various sites. Title: Ranma : Divine for a Day (a Ranma1/2 Tenchi Muyo Crossover)
Chapter 2: "Soun Tendo's Master Plan: 99.9% Failure Rate"
Inside the dojo, Soun Tendo dramatically gripped Genma's shoulders, shaking him with sheer emotional intensity.
Tears poured down his face, but unlike before, he wasn't clutching a solemn, traditional scroll.
No.
Instead, on the low table in front of them, a laptop screen blared at full volume—displaying a very questionable YouTube tutorial.
[HOW TO GET YOUR DAUGHTER MARRIED QUICKLY – FOOLPROOF METHODS!]
(Uploaded by user: FatherlyWisdom42, 12 views)
The overly cheerful host, a middle-aged man with suspiciously perfect hair, gestured wildly at the camera.
"Hello, concerned fathers! Are you tired of waiting for your daughter's fiancé to make a move? Well, today, I'll show you the FOUR guaranteed ways to force a wedding—FAST!"
A giant list popped onto the screen.
Step 1: Emotional Manipulation! (Crying always works!)
Step 2: Public Pressure! (Invite the whole town to the "surprise ceremony!")
Step 3: Use the Power of Guilt! (Mention family honor at least 3 times!)
Step 4: Fake an Illness! (If necessary, pretend to be on your deathbed!)
The words "GUARANTEED SUCCESS! (99.9%!)" flashed repeatedly at the bottom of the screen.
Soun sniffled dramatically, clutching his heart. "I should have found this video years ago!"
Genma, looking equally serious, nodded gravely.
"Yes, Tendo. The moment has come!"
Across the room, Akane raised an eyebrow.
Nabiki counted money.
Kasumi prepared tea, utterly unbothered.
Akane sighed. "Dad, what now?"
Soun turned to her with the dramatic weight of a Shakespearean tragedy.
"Akane, my dear! It is time for you and Ranma to finalize your engagement!"
Akane froze.
"…Excuse me!?"
Genma folded his arms. "That's right! No more delays! Tonight, we settle the date of the wedding!"
Akane's eyes twitched.
Nabiki casually placed a 5,000-yen bet on 'Complete Disaster.'
"Dad," Akane sighed, rubbing her temples, "I don't think—"
BANG!
The dojo slammed open.
A stressed-out Ukyo entered, gripping her battle spatula.
"Okay, what's this about Ran-chan's wedding!?"
Seconds later— Shampoo crashed in through the window."Airen no marry without Shampoo's approval!"
Kuno (Appearing from NOWHERE):
"Lo! This knavish talk of marriage shall not stand!"
"For verily, Akane Tendo's heart belongs not to this accursed Saotome—"
"—BUT TO THE BLUE THUNDER OF FURINKAN H-"
Ukyo casually swings her battle spatula. Kuno is booted out the door.
Kuno: (disappearing into the horizon) "FLY, I SHALL, INTO THE ARMS OF DESTINY—"
Mousse followed, flipping through a handwritten will.
"If Shampoo kills me tonight, I request an honorable burial."
And somehow,
Even Ryoga, still soaked from the koi pond, had managed to find his way back.
"IF HE MARRIES AKANE, I'LL—!"
Kasumi smiled politely. "Oh my. This escalated quickly."
Soun slammed his fist down.
"ENOUGH! TONIGHT—WE ANNOUNCE THE WEDDING DATE!"
Everyone leaned in.
Except one problem.
Ranma wasn't there.
…Yet.
IN THE DIVINE REALM…
Ranma blinked.
One second, he was dodging a family crisis.
The next—he was standing in an endless expanse of shifting galaxies, floating islands, and general god-tier nonsense.
A large neon sign hovered above him, blinking obnoxiously.
"WELCOME BACK TO THE COSMIC ADMINISTRATOR'S OFFICE.
PLEASE WAIT, A DIVINE REPRESENTATIVE WILL BE WITH YOU SHORTLY."
Ranma squinted at it.
"Oh hell no—"
"Yo, Saotome!"
Ranma turned.
Washu lounged on a floating couch, one leg crossed over the other, munching on celestial popcorn.
Ranma groaned. "Oh, come on! I want to go back home!"
Washu grinned. "Yeah, yeah, I know. But before I let you run off, I forgot to tell you something important!"
Ranma folded his arms. "This better not be another interdimensional headache."
Washu waggled a finger. "Oh no, nothing like that. Just a small detail about your new godhood."
Ranma blinked. "My what now?"
Washu smirked. "Starting tomorrow, you're a god for one full day."
Ranma: "Wait, WHAT!?"
Washu flicked a switch, and a massive contract unfurled from the void, stretching miles long.
"STANDARD TERMS & CONDITIONS OF TEMPORARY GODHOOD:"
One (1) day of divine power.
No refunds.
No customer service hotline.
No undoing stupid decisions. (unless Washu feels like it)
Ranma squinted at the fine print.
He was pretty sure one of the clauses said: "ALL COMPLAINTS WILL BE THROWN INTO A BLACK HOLE."
Ranma pinched the bridge of his nose. "So let me get this straight—you're tellin' me that starting tomorrow, I'm gonna have god-level powers, and you're just… lettin' me loose with that?"
Washu's grin widened. "Exactly! Doesn't that sound fun!?"
Ranma twitched. "FOR WHO!?"
Washu cackled. "Relax! I'm mostly sure you won't accidentally destroy the universe!"
Ranma: "MOSTLY!?"
Washu waved a hand. "Anyway! I just wanted to let you know so you don't freak out tomorrow morning when you wake up and accidentally summon a divine coffee machine."
Ranma was seconds away from screaming.
"Can't I just say no!?"
Washu pretended to think about it. Then smirked.
"…Nope!"
Ranma threw up his hands. "Unbelievable!"
Washu clapped her hands together. "Alright, alright! Enough chit-chat. I gotta send you back now!"
Ranma frowned. "Wait, send me back where—"
Washu snapped her fingers.
A trapdoor opened beneath Ranma.
"WAAAAAAAAGH—!"
BACK IN NERIMA…
THUD!
Ranma slammed face-first onto the Tendo Dojo floor.
He groaned, peeling himself off the ground.
"Ow! Dammit, Washu—"
Silence.
Ranma blinked.
Everyone was staring at him.
A beat.
"Did… did Ranma just fall from the sky?" Mousse squinted.
Ryoga, still mildly traumatized from his own interdimensional misadventure, paled. "Oh no, it's happening again…"
"Aiyah! Airen come back from great journey!" Shampoo clapped her hands together, beaming.
"Well, sugar, took you long enough!" Ukyo grinned, already moving in closer.
Even Kasumi, ever-composed, gently set her teacup down. "Oh my."
Ranma felt reality setting in.
Oh.
Oh no.
He wasn't just home.
He was home at the worst possible moment.
But then—
Ranma's descent was about to end in pain—
—but instead, he landed right next to Soun Tendo, who was already perfectly arranged on a dramatic deathbed.
A full-sized futon had been set up in the center of the dojo, complete with ceremonial incense burning at the corners.
A handwritten sign rested at the foot of the futon:
"MY FINAL MOMENTS: PLEASE RESPECT THE DRAMA"
Soun let out a deep, trembling gasp, staring at Ranma with glassy, overacted sorrow.
"R-Ranma…! My boy…! My dear son-in-law…!"
Ranma blinked.
"What the hell is this!?"
Soun, ignoring him, clutched his chest weakly.
"Oooohhh… I can feel the end approaching…!"
Ranma slowly sat up, still recovering from his cosmic return,
only to see Soun dramatically adjusting himself for maximum tragic effect.
"RANMA, YOU MUST MARRY AKANE BEFORE I DIE!"
Ranma recoiled. "WHAT!?"
Ukyo and Shampoo immediately leaned in.
"Marry who now!?"
Soun: "MY DAUGHTER'S FUTURE HANGS IN THE BALANCE! IF SHE'S NOT MARRIED SOON, SHE'LL BECOME A LONELY, MALLET-WIELDING SPINSTER!"
Akane (fiddling with her sleeve): "Pfft, as if I care… I mean, it's not like I'm waiting or anything."
A brief pause.
Nabiki, casually flipping through a newspaper, barely paying attention, speaks without looking up.
Nabiki: (dryly) "Dad… You forgot to mention 'family honor.'"
The dojo goes still.
Soun's eyes widen in absolute horror. He grips the blanket like he's just committed a grievous crime.
His face pales.
Genma's mouth falls open.
Ranma takes an instinctive step back.
Soun trembles, voice weak.
Soun: (whispering) "Oh… oh no…"
He clutches his heart.
Then, in a burst of sheer panic—
Soun: (sobbing) "HOW COULD I FORGET FAMILY HONOR!?"
Genma gasps dramatically, gripping his friend's shoulders.
Genma: (gravely) "Tendo… We've failed as fathers."
Soun lets out a dramatic, wailing cry.
Akane groans, burying her face in her hands.
Nabiki smirks and flips another page of her newspaper.
Soun suddenly turns to Nabiki.
Kuno: (popping up like a nightmare):
"HAH! A man without honor is no man at all!"
Everyone: "…"
Soun: (pleading) "HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO SAY IT TO MAKE UP FOR THIS FAILURE!?"
Nabiki shrugs.
Nabiki: (deadpan) "Three should do it."
Soun immediately straightens.
He grips Genma's paws (who changed into panda), nodding solemnly.
He took a deep breath and—
"FAMILY HONOR! FAMILY HONOR! FAMILY HONOR!"
He chants it with intense conviction, shaking the dojo walls.
Genma-panda, looking inspired, dramatically flips his sign:"FAMILY HONOR! FAMILY HONOR! FAMILY HONOR!"
The koi pond ripples ominously.
A bird flying outside abruptly changes direction mid-flight.
Even the air seems slightly disturbed.
Ranma, rubbing his face, mutters—
"This family is completely insane."
Nabiki: (dryly) "Father, You do realize you already forgot you were dying, right?"
DECISION TIME: RANMA IS TRAPPED
Despite all this madness, Nabiki smirks and turns to Ranma.
Nabiki: "Well, Saotome? What's it gonna be?"
Ranma glances around.
Soun: Expectant, hands trembling over his chest.
Akane: Arms crossed, scowling.
Shampoo: Ready to pounce.
Ukyo: Battle spatula already at the ready.
Nabiki: Smirking, yen in hand.
Mousse: Already writing his own obituary.
Ryoga: Hyperventilating in a corner.
Kuno: Majestically balanced on the dojo beams, bokken raised—"Truly, the gods test me!"
Genma (now a panda): Playing nervously with a rubber ball, pretending not to be involved.
No more dodging. No more running. No more excuses.
Ranma knew there were only two choices.
1️ Embrace madness.
2️ Completely short-circuit it.
He took a deep breath.
He opened his eyes.
He stepped forward.
Everyone held their breath.
Ranma felt reality itself collapsing around him.
Then—
Ranma: (calmly) "My final answer is—"
EVERYONE LEANS IN.
Everyone: (eagerly) "YES?"
Ranma smirks.
And then, with absolute confidence, he utters—
"42."
Ranma smirked, flicking his fingers as "42" shimmered into an asterisk ("*").
THE ENTIRE ROOM CRASHED LIKE A CORRUPT COMPUTER FILE.
Nabiki's coin slipped from her fingers and vanished into the abyss.
Kasumi—normally unshakable—actually blinked.
Soun's wailing froze in his throat.
Ryoga forgot to breathe.
Kuno gasped. "The villain speaks in riddles!"
Shampoo's grip on her bonbori tightened dangerously.
Genma-panda flipped his sign over.
It now said:
"I raised an idiot."
Akane's eye twitched.
Then—
"RAAAAANNNNNNMAAAAAAA!"
Akane's fist EXPLODED forward—100% Reflexive Rage Punch.
Direct hit.
Ranma's soul left his body.
Ranma Saotome: AIRBORNE.
"GAH—WAIT—TOO LATE—!"
Ranma went flying through the roof, turning into a twinkle in the sky.
Kasumi: "oh my, that sent him farther than usual"
Akane huffed, blowing her bangs out of her face and sobbed: "STUPID RANMA…"
Somewhere in another dimension, Washu is on the floor, laughing so hard she might actually die.
NOTES: And here goes Chapter 2! I had a lot of fun writing it. The humor here is a bit more subtle as I experiment with different ways to address many of Ranma's issues in unconventional ways. Hope you enjoy it! If you have any suggestions, feel free to share. Reviews will definitely encourage me to write more and make improvements!
42 Pun Explanation:
In ASCII, 42 represents this: *'', which is a wildcard—it means anything. Everything. It's used when there's no single answer."*
No matter what answer Ranma gives, someone's gonna be pissed. If he picks Akane, Ukyo's mad. If he picks Ukyo, Shampoo's throwin' furniture. If he says he ain't pickin' anyone, the old men start weepin' about family honor. It's a lose-lose-lose situation.
Ranma's answer wasn't a number. It was a statement.
Whatever they wanted it to be.