Episode 1
Cruel Misunderstanding's Thesis/God Hates Me. All is Not Well
Twenty minutes before the start of class, a boy splashed water in his face in one of the many restroom sinks near him. He was the newest student of Tokyo-3 First Municipal Junior High School which was a rare occurrence given how your average person was less willing to move into a giant robot battle ground than out of it. Despite this being his fourth transfer this year, the nerves still found a way to settle in.
His shaggy white hair and ghostly pale skin contrasted with his bright red eyes. It was a genetic trait his mom and dad unknowingly passed down and a frequent subject for teasing growing up. He recalled a time when —
"Hey Snow White, you're blocking the soap dispenser." Came the gruff voice of another teenager.
The transfer student stepped sideways while rolling his eyes.
"Thanks"
He continued his musing. Growing up with albinism wasn't as cracked up as people thought it would be. Sure you got the cool hair and eye color but those came with some serious drawbacks such as the constant need to avoid the sun due to the damaging potential of UV light, oh and the constant attention from others got tiring. He thought he would get used to the staring but he was wrong. One time there was an old woman who saw him while crossing the street—
"Step aside Elsa. I Need access to the hand dryer."
"Elsa? Out of all the names you could have picked, you choose the girl from Frozen?" He had to admit, at least this one was getting points for originality. It was the first time someone called him Disney princess names back to back.
"Just move aside ok."
The new student shuffled away from the wall and chuckled. Despite changing schools so often, he would encounter these sort of people wherever he would—
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Let's try that again. Despite changing schools so often, he would encounter these sorts of people wherever he would go. There was comfort in….
His thoughts slowed to a crawl as he felt an uncomfortable stare on his back. He turned around, looking rather annoyed.
"Let me guess, you need the paper towels."
The larger teen held up a pair of still moist hands. "That hand dryer sucks."
"I believe it blows."
"Real funny...uhhh."
"Run out of names?"
"Trying to find one that's for a guy. Ah crud it's at the tip of my tongue! You know him right? Skinny, like you, controls the winter, think they made a few movies about him ... .ahhh...it's so frustrating!"
The albino walked out the room not caring to pay any more attention to the assertive hand washer.
"That's right! It was Jack Frost!"
The large boy raised his hand up for a high five but found his conversation partner missing. Not wanting to let the moment go to waste he chose to have his palm collide with the only other person around, his own reflection. Hand met glass and he felt satisfied, until he realized that the mirror he slapped was probably dirty and he needed to wash his hands for a second time.
"Awwww maaaan."
"Hi there! You must be the transfer student!"
Hikari Horaki? was the first to greet him outside of class 2-A. She was stressed out but seemed studious and reliable.
"I understand it can be a bit nerve wracking entering the school as "The New Kid" and introducing yourself in front of a group of strangers but it's way easier than you think." The boy's sleeves caught her attention. "You're not hot wearing that?"
Unlike everyone else dressed in the male summer uniform, the boy opted to wear the school jacket on top of his white button shirt. It was a fashion choice reserved for the colder seasons.
"I sunburn easily."
She took an awkward pause before speaking again. "Do you have any siblings by any chance?"
He blinked. The question was both random and foreboding. "Not that I know of."
"I could have sworn…Nevermind! Just give a strong introduction and I'm sure you'll leave a lasting impression. You'll be right after the other student who starts today too."
"Other student?"
It was a weird feeling to not be the one student everyone in the room stared at. Asuka Langley Soryu had captured the imaginations of every student within a one-hundred foot radius. What was even more impressive was that there was already merchandise of the foreigner being passed around. Crude looking mugs and wooden carvings created by the shop class and pottery club were selling like hot cakes leaving the second new student of Tokyo-3 First Municipal Junior High School (man that was a mouthful) all but forgotten.
It was also worth mentioning that all of this was happening during his introduction.
"Uhh hello? You guys have any questions for me?"
Crickets came his way. Seems 'Asuka Fever' was going to be the latest fad. He waved at the teacher "Can I sit down now?"
The elder man lifted an Asuka themed mug to his lips. The text read "2nd Child, First Choice!" With no acknowledgement from his Sensei, the transfer student sat down. He learned quickly that class 2-A was far from normal as all three of the famed Evangelion pilots resided in this room. He met Asuka (or more accurately Asuka demanded everyone else meet her), Shinji Ikari, the much quieter Third Child being currently dragged around by the Second, and the First. He had no idea what they looked like.
The assigned seat the class rep gave him put him closer to the window near the back of the room. That's when he came across a quiet blue haired girl staring in the distance, sitting on the desk to his immediate left.
"Not a part of the Asuka fanclub?"
No response. He attributed it to him not being loud enough thanks to the clamor of the crowd. "I guess we'll be deskmates for the school year."
Did somebody cast an invisibility spell on him or something? This was getting ridiculous. "Nice to meet you! My name is—"
Rei's head pivoted towards him and he instantly noticed the girl's pale hair and skin and her red eyes. She paused. "Are you like me?"
It was a strange question but (hopefully) he mined the correct meaning. "Yeah, I guess so."
Another pause, it was three seconds long. (he counted). "I see."
The girl's flat monotone delivery was unnerving. He had no idea if that was just a natural effect of her way of telling him to buzz off. He pressed his chances.
"Gotta admit this is a first." For some reason he was giggling. "I've never met someone else like me. Sure I've known others existed but to see someone else here, it's a bit surreal, ya know?"
She now had a more contemplative expression (he hoped). "I see." She repeated, this time after a three-and-a-half second pause. The boy had no idea if he was "killing it" or "killing her" with his awkward questions.
"Can I get your name? I figure since we're going to be desk mates it would be nice to have."
"Rei Ayanami."
He felt like a huge weight was removed from his shoulders. "Thanks, I'm—"
"Would that also mean you will inquire the name of the person sitting to your right as they are also within your proximity?"
"Huh?" He turned to his right and noticed two things. One, his other deskmate was being scolded by Hikari for standing on his chair in order to get a better look at the new foreigner; and two, it was the same large teenager he met at the restroom sink. Clearly, it was someone he could afford to ignore.
"I think he's currently busy." The albino looked back at Rei and found her staring at the window once again. He sighed, opened his laptop and waited for the class to officially start.
His first few days of school passed and by now he was settled into his new routine of school while still getting used to his new home. Tokyo-3's junior high schoolers were certainly as studious as they were strange. "Asuka Fever" was still in full swing and the art club tried to get in on the action by selling speed paintings of the redhead. There was also a rumor that a collectible card game about her in was in the works
"At least their extra curricular activities will be well funded."
The curtains in his room helped to keep the sun at bay and basked the area in darkness which was her preferred study environment. He flew through the math and history question but struggled in physics and history.
"God dammit!"
He heard a voice in his head and agreed with it. History sucked and was his worst subject.
"This is messed up!"
He nodded with the voice again. School was messed up! If he wasn't being ignored by half the class then he was being stared at like an oddity. He wondered if this was how Rei felt. She must have had it tough holding it down as the sole albino and the First Child.
"DO YOU KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THIS FEELS!"
His inner voice was more hostile than usual. He didn't recall it being this upset…
"You have to be the most useless idiot in the world!"
...or feminine.
The shouting continued and he followed the sound to the floor and he pressed his ear against the carpet which amplified the noise. It was going to be impossible to do any sort of schoolwork with a noisy downstairs neighbor.
He walked into the main living room and saw his dad furiously typing at his own laptop which looked like it was going to break under his large hands. Their eyes met and he stood up; his huge figure cast an imposing shadow and was lit by the balcony's sunset.
"Dad?"
His question was stiffed by an aggressive hug. "That's my little guy!" His father's voice was loud and full of affection. He released the hold. "You liking the place? How's the new room for the new kid?"
He returned the smile. "It's pretty nice."
"You wanna see 'pretty nice?' Check this out!" The older man spun his laptop so the screen faced outward. The video player was maximized to full screen.
"It's our latest commercial! Really happy how this turned out."
He hit the spacebar and the video started. The video opens on two actors in crudely made costumes of Eva Unit-01 and the third angel trying their absolute best to recreate the iconic battle with all the sound effects being dubbed by his father, doing his very best to try to make the appropriate mouth noises to match the action.
"THE WORLD IS A DANGEROUS PLACE!" Came the booming voice of his dad. "That's why you should do what you can to invest in your safety!"
The scene changes, now a large man is in a well tailored suit looking at the camera in a room with a plain background.
"Hi, I'm Adam. Founder and CEO of Adam's Armaments, your one-stop-shop for all your military equipment needs! After serving our nation's military, we're ready to bring our amazing products to you at home. How, you might ask?"
Adam was giddy with excitement watching the fruits of his creativity.
The wall behind him flips over to reveal an impressive collection of handheld weaponry
"We got everything you need, Knives, bayonets, bullets, scopes, attache cases and more! If it can be used to prevent yourself from being killed then you can find it in our killer collection!"
The younger boy is unsure of what he was watching. "You really think there are people in Tokyo-3 who want to buy all this stuff? Who needs a double handed broadsword?"
"People who treat their safety very seriously!"
The camera zoomed in. "But wait, there's more! We got firearms, polearms, alarms, arm guards, hand guards, hand cannons, bear hands. Wait, did I say bear hands? Yes I did!"
Adam was practically shaking now. "Next part is my favorite!"
The scene changed again to inside a Karate Dojo. Adam was wearing a traditional gi guarding a giant pile of money. A group of ninjas enter the shot via a series of synchronized front flips and a big fight ensues.
"With the purchase of any katana or nunchucks, our qualified staff will teach you the ways of unarmed combat. WA TAAA!" One of the ninjas was hit in the chest with an impressive side kick. For some reason all the lines didn't match the lip flaps. "Because at Adam's Armaments, you'll learn how to save your lives HIIIIYAAAA! While we help you save money!"
Karate Adam finished the fight by doing a series of roundhouse kicks before booting the last ninja through a prop window.
"The director expected that to be done in five takes. I did it in one."
"Wow Dad, how did you pull your kick back so you didn't hit the guy for real?"
"I pulled my kick back?"
The commercial circles back to a well armed Unit-01 and a very scared third angel (both are still in ridiculous costumes). The purple Eva fires a comically large bazooka and
obliterates its opponent before turning back toward Adam who gives the robot a thumbs up.
"Another satisfied customer!"
"Aaaaaadaaaaaammmmmmmmm" came the voice of a commercial choir before the last title card appeared.
END
The video ended and Adam sat down in his chair so he could stand up and give his masterwork a standing ovation. The albino boy was already pulling on a hooded jacket and was ready to leave or else he would have died from embarrassment.
"Uhh, just going to go out for some air."
"Ok son, stay safe!"
The door closed and he took the elevator one floor down. He thought it would be difficult tracking the source of the yelling but the screaming continued and with it, his hunt to find the apartment's owner was that much easier.
Just to be sure, he pressed his ear toward the door and the screaming fury of a woman confirmed he had the correct location. The voice was irate, beyond angry, and was he hearing….German?
Also why was her voice getting louder? It's like she's —
A sudden burst of movement sent the door flying toward the albino's face sending him to the floor. In his haze he caught the red silhouette of an emotional redhead girl whose likeness had adorned several pieces of unofficial merchandise.
"Sorry ass excuse for a pilot!"
Somehow his prone form caught her attention and she leaned over him.
"Hey Rei, you got a brother?!"
The ringing in his ears made him unable to hear the answer from inside. Shortly after came the tentative steps of Shinji who checked on him to see if he was breathing but one nervous glance toward the fleeing girl caused him to give chase. At least he had the common decency to apologize before leaving.
"God, why do you hate me?" He wheezed.
The door closed on its own. The boy stood up, checked himself for any serious wounds, and (cautiously) approached the entrance. He made extra sure to extend his arm as faaaaaar as possible to knock on the door.
"Who is it?" The voice on the other side replied. It was another girl's voice, far less volatile and thus less likely to assault him with a giant wooden object.
"Uhh, it's —"
An older woman's voice cut him off. "Ah don't be shy, just open the door!" The second girl complied and the door swung open in a much slower (and easier to dodge) arc. He was relieved that he was face to face with the class representative.
"Oh!" There was a legitimate surprise in her exclamation. "How unexpected to see you here."
"Believe me, I feel the same way."
Over Hikari's shoulder he saw another boy with an athletic build point in his direction. Koji? Goji? Moji? Dang, what was his name again? "Hey, isn't that the new kid?"He loudly asked.
"Hmm?" Came the reply of his glasses wearing friend. A name didn't immediately pop into mind but what he did recall were images of an excited teen taking candid photos of everyone. "Oh, him? Man, I almost forgot he was in our class."
Another woman joined in on the conversation. "Another friend of yours Hikari?" It matched the second voice he heard before the door opened. Her voice was vibrant and trustworthy.
"Uhh hi," he found it difficult to speak. Probably because his skull was rattled by a huge piece of rectangular lumber. "I couldn't help but notice —"
The woman's eyes snapped into focus after studying his face. "Oh dear, looks like you took a nasty hit." She interrupted again. Why was he always getting interrupted? Did people really not want him to finish a complete thought? "Let's get you inside so we can get a look at it!"
He was pulled into the apartment before he could utter a single word of protest.
He was thrilled to see Rei again. He was less thrilled to feel the sting of an alcohol wipe be dabbed on the gash right above his right eye. She moved with carefree efficiency and in a few breaths she had finished cleaning and dressing his wound. Rei and Hikari he'd met, and a quick round of greetings from best friends Touji and Kensuke, as well as NERV Captain Misato allowed him to get the names of everyone in the apartment.
"Ms. Katsuragi, I have finished administering first aid." Rei's appearance captivated him as it carried a strong sense of familiarity. Surely his peers would have felt jealous if they saw her treat him with such care.
Misato took a seat at the table next to him. "So you're the new neighbors upstairs. I was surprised to see someone else moving into Tokyo-3 at this time."
"Dad had us all move. His company was expanding and we needed to relocate."
"Despite the angel attacks?"
"It's because of the angel attacks."
The albino boy felt a faint warmth near him. A subtle warmth that could easily be passed up but was hard to ignore when noticed. He turned his head away from Misato and found Rei staring right back at him. There was a small yelp that he wished he could have made sound manlier.
"Your strong presence of mind and sharp reflexes have led me to conclude that you have not suffered a concussion."
"Thank you?" He turned back to Misato. She looked regretful.
"Sorry about that nasty spill you took. Asuka can be a bit of a handful. To say their synchronization training for our latest operation is stressful, would be an understatement."
He pointed to the dazzling array of equipment. "So everything over there, including the two place mats, are NERV related?"
"Yup"
"And the dancer outfits I saw Shinji and Asuka wear are NERV related?"
"Yup"
The faint warmth returned to him. "Is Rei still staring at me?"
Misato grinned. "Yup."
He turned to face her. "What is it?" He was proud that he didn't yelp this time.
"I wanted to confirm my previous statement. Upon further analysis, I can conclude that you have not suffered any lingering head trauma from your most recent encounter with the Second Child. Further medical examination is recommended, as my first aid knowledge is remedial at best."
"Thank you, again." He watched her move to the other side of the table to prevent any other staring incidents.
"Excuse me?" He noticed the apprehensive tone in Hikari's voice. She was going to ask a question that was going to make things feel awkward. "Remember when I was curious if you have a sibling? So….."
"You're Rei's brother or some sort of cousin or something, New Kid?" Touji (definitely not Gouji) butted in.
"No."
"But, you guys have red eyes and similar colored hair! You two look like siblings!"
"Are you and Kensuke brothers because you both have brown eyes and dark hair?"
He scoffed. "No." He smiled "But I wish! Kensuke my bro!"
"Yeahhhhhh!" Came the loud response from his "bro".
The two boys fist bumped each other. Hikari punched both of them on the arm. The albino boy silently thanked her.
"Hey Misato!" Kensuke yelled after the pain in his limb faded. He was fiddling with a small computer that was originally knocked over. Most likely from Asuka's earlier rampage.
"What's wrong?"
"I followed your instructions and performed the reset. Looks like the system is asking for a 'performance calibration' whatever that is?"
"Uggggg, I was afraid this would happen." She finished the beer she was holding and stood up to confirm the message. "It means we have to run the simulation again to get a baseline score. Normally Asuka and Shinji would be doing this but they're currently not here and I would really like to save as much time as possible."
She looked for an answer and found it.
"Rei, you know the routine. Can you do it again real quick?"
"Affirmative."
She stepped onto the mat and donned the pair of headphones without reservation.
Misato looked at the other teens for a suitable partner. She went with her first pick.
"Touji, you're pretty athletic. We just need you to just go through the paces once. Score wouldn't matter."
He crossed his arms in a giant X. "Nu huh. No way! If the basketball team sees me doing that weird rhythmic whatever thing you're doing I'll never hear the end of it!"
Hikari was unamused. "You're telling me you will not assist in a military operation that was designed to save us from an angel attack because of teammate teasing!"
"As a man, I have to maintain my standards. You already got Shinji looking ridiculous and I refuse to suffer the same fate."
Her number one pick was dashed. Misato went for the next choice.
"Hikari, you're smart. I'm sure you can do this without any problems!"
She turned red. "Oh no, please Misato pick someone else!" Her yelp of a reply and the befuddled stammering didn't inspire a lot of faith in this choice. Time to move on to choice number three.
Kensuke stood at attention, posture rigid and wore an expression that showed 100% loyalty to the mission. If he was ordered to jump off a cliff in the name of NERV he would do so without a second of hesitation. He looked excited. Maybe too excited.
Kensuke was a hard pass.
She was running out of time, options, and readily accessible beer. With no other valid picks she moved to her last resort. Said last resort could already feel the hairs stand on his neck.
"Oh no…"
He looked up to see Misato holding up her hands in a tiny prayer. "I know I don't have any right to ask any favors but it would be a tremendous help if you could partner up with Rei."
Their pleading looks let him know he was being voluntold to say yes. With escape impossible (Touji was unknowingly blocking the door) he stood up and approached the dotted mat and placed the headphones over his ears. He looked at Rei. Rei looked at the wall.
"Uhhh, what are we supposed to do?"
Rei spoke. Her voice was calm and focused, two traits he would not use to describe himself. "Captain Katsuragi will run the software and certain spots will illuminate in time to the music. It is our goal to move while considering the actions of our partner."
"Excellent explanation. The purpose of this drill is to help Asuka and Shinji synchronize their thoughts and movements, however without a base reading it would be difficult to judge their progress."
"I can judge their progress!" Touji hollered. "It's zilch!" That remark earned a harder punch on the arm.
"Let's start!"
Misato pressed a button and the machines behind him whirled in activity. Music played and the selected dots glowed. Their movement was dizzying to follow and his eyes had trouble keeping up. Every time he even had the idea to stick a limb out, the light would fade. He was paralyzed with indecisiveness.
"God, Rei must be lapping me!"
He tempted fate and looked at his partner expecting to see a flurry of movement that contrasted his lack thereof and was surprised to see her also standing still.
Hikari was concerned "Uhh, Rei, are you ok?"
Rei ignored her and continued to stare at the wall.
"You do know the simulation has started? We can't get a score if none of you even try." Misato's voice was less questioning and more insistent.
Rei ignored her too.
Seconds passed for the boy and with each one he cursed the gods for putting him in this moment. He wanted to die. The dots continued to blink untouched.
Touji sat up. "Say, Misato."
"What?" Her head was in her hands. Today was not a good day for her.
"They're doing it."
"Doing what?"
"What you asked for!"
"I didn't ask them to ignore my instructions!" She snapped back.
"They're doing the drill."
"I don't see it. They're just standing still."
"Almost as if they're synchronized!"
The dots were ignored, the music was ignored but from a different perspective one could see that both participants were perfect mirror images of each other.
"This is ridiculous. What's the point of doing all these fancy exercises if you can win by not trying!"
Kensuke was intrigued as well. "Didn't you say the goal was to focus on what your partner was doing? The glowing dots are just there to help train that instinct. It's not like Shinji and Asuka are going to be slapping the floor come battle time."
She was still in disbelief. "It makes absolutely no sense for Kaji to create this elaborate plan that was supplemented by Ritsuko's brilliant ingenuity and all of that can be bypassed by acting like a statue!"
"But they're doing nothing… together!"
The Captain threw her arms in the air. The day's frustrations were piling on and she swore she would drink a well earned beer after all this, maybe even five.
"Let's see their readings!"
The printer spat out a long report and she quickly skimmed it then dropped it to the floor. "Oh god." Her voice was faint.
"What's it say?"
"One…"
"One? As in one percent?"
"As in, one-hundred. It's a perfect score." She was starting to question reality.
"That's even better than when she tried the exercise with Shinji!"
Her run with Shinji while good was not perfect. They were both humans and thus their human movements would always prevent perfect movement unison. Rei and this boy overcame this and made no imperfections. Sure they made no "correct" moves. The logic was there.
It was stupid sense of logic, but it was consistent.
"This thing is obviously broken. Asuka must have messed something up when she kicked it over."
The nervous boy overheard the conversation and saw Rei in a new light as he determined her mastery of observation was second to none. However, was he content with taking the easy way out? Was their ability to synchronize their wavelengths all on Rei, or was there something he could do? He had to know.
The lights danced, and during a slower part of a song the dot nearest to his left foot illuminated with an intimidating aura. It felt like it was glowing brighter than the others. Taunting him to try and stomp it out. In a move that shocked everyone around him, he shot his leg downward to stomp out the offending sensor. Rei immediately caught on to what he wanted to do and moved her leg in kind.
This was it. This was his big gambit. He would be Rei's equal in this one single unifying moment in time. No matter what would happen, this step would be theirs, together.
"OK I'M BACK!"
The door slammed open and Asuka's voice startled everyone to attention, including the unofficial trainee. His balance was lost and the foot landed at an odd angle, sending bolts of pain up his leg and causing him to topple over. He cried out in pain and surprise, mostly pain.
He cradled his ankle and recalled his earlier question, the one where he asked himself about a certain all powerful deity. Yes, God did hate him.
To add insult to injury, Rei managed to hit the light at the same time to maintain their perfect score.
She also maintained her ability to walk out of the apartment without a limp.
The white haired boy was back in class and not looking too happy about it.
"This sucks."
It had been weeks since he "helped" with Shinji and Asuka's synch training. The angel was defeated and the two absent pilots were re-integrating to school life. Their latest battle was a success and with it came a renewal of Asuka Fever. Shinji's stock in the school's pecking order got a decent bump as well. Meanwhile the gloomy boy's only real prize was an ankle brace.
At the very least it was a NERV branded ankle brace. Kensuke asked if he could have it after he was fully healed.
"Can't believe Dad was proud when I got this."
Indeed Adam was. He was beaming with pride when he learned the news of his brave son assisting the coveted Eva pilots in a daring training exercise. The exact details of how he was injured were withheld by NERV superiors as well as his own son, for they were too embarrassing to share.
He looked at his former training partner. They hadn't spoken since the exercise. He figured he might as well change that.
"Rei."
She stopped staring at the mirror to stare at him. There was one burning question he needed to ask before he went crazy.
"Why?"
Her silence meant he needed to elaborate.
"Why'd you actually try? Misato just needed us to go through the exercise but you actually chose to synch with someone you didn't know."
A two and half second pause. "You were under a considerable amount of stress and I did not want to add to your duress."
A dispassionate and clear answer. He was ok with that, mainly because it was her who was saying it.
"Yo Sephiroth!"
"Yes, Kaito?" Weeks ago he had learned the name of the big teenager he met on his first day. Too bad Kaito didn't extend the same courtesy and opted to just expand his pool of white haired characters to call him by.
"You got any Sundress Asukas?" He was asking about the trading card game that was released by the board game club. Three sets were released with a reprint of the first one on the way (courtesy of the newspaper club) due to high demand.
"Now why would you need a 'Sundress Asuka' card?"
"Are you stupid?" Great, he was taking her catchphrases too. "It's an essential part of the new meta. You use Sundress Asuka and when paired with the wind stage effect she can use the double slap buff which is great for single target damage."
"Uh huh."
"Of course if you use the 'School Uniform Asuka' it has enough defense to negate the initial attack. I think the 'Over the Rainbow' environment can passively buff all military Asuka's but that deck loses to Moe builds."
"Uh huh." He was starting to wish he landed on his ear back at Misato's so he wouldn't have to listen to this any more.
Yoshihiro from the video club slid into the conversation. The injured student prayed he could free him from this miserable conversation.
"Asuka TCG? Naw, we don't have time for that!"
Thank God.
"It's all about the Asuka fighting game! Check it out! We at the video game club released AAA: 3rdB 2I!:
He took his thanks back from God. He was sure the deity would not miss it.
"AAA: 3rdB 2I?"
"Ace Asuka Assault: 3rd Baka Edition - 2nd Impact!"
He blinked three times really fast and a fourth slow one. "Don't you think adding '2nd Impact' might be a bit, I dunno ... .insensitive?"
"Hmm, maybe we do need a branding restructure."
"I think there are more critical things that need to be restructured other than your branding!"
The excited student plugged the disk into a portable game console then booted the machine up. The game loaded a large character select screen. All the slots had someone with red hair.
"See we got School Asuka (she's the shoto). Karate Asuka, Pilot Asuka, PE Asuka, Waifu Asuka, Angry Asuka, Mad at Shinji Asuka…."
"Aren't those last two the same?"
"Naw, they have completely different hitboxes and frame data. You wouldn't understand."
"You're right. I don't understand." He said bewilderedly
"St. Patrick's Day Asuka, Shrine Maiden Asuka. Leather Whip Asuka. Oh! And here's the most powerful version. Magical Girl Pudding Chan Asuka." He leaned over again with shifty eyes. "I've lost a lot of sleep developing that one."
"Please tell me it's because of coding and nothing else."
Kaito had lost interest in the game ten minutes ago. The boy in the brace was getting annoyed. "I can't believe the merchandise has only expanded since I arrived! Did Shinji even get a fraction of this attention?"
Both boys stopped and pondered. "Don't know. Gotta ask the girls for that one as they cornered the market." Kaito raised his head. "Yo Chihiro, you got a moment?"
In skipped a rather cheerful girl who was rather pretty and had a fair share of male (and female) admirers. "You called?"
"Geralt of Riva over here was curious about Shinji Ikari merchandise."
"Why? He's your type?"
Her only response was an exacerbated sigh.
"Well if you must know, Shinji merch is less focused on games and collectibles. I mean there are a few art prints of him that sell well but the real money movers are in the printed word."
"Books?"
"Exactly! I can show you the catalog if you want."
He took the flyer from the girl and started reading names. "Pilot of Love, My Sexy Shin-chan, Shinji the Casanova? Who writes this stuff?!"
"The literature club to be exact. Oh, don't make fun of that last title too much. It's actually one of our best sellers."
"I'll keep that in mind." He handed back the flyer. The school's ingenuity to milk any fad for its maximum capitalistic value scared and impressed him.
"Thanks New Kid."
"See you around Keiko."
The girl left the trio of boys but before anymore talks of card or fighting games could resume a flash of red slipped into view. The famous and illustrious Asuka Langley Soryu decided that she wanted to talk.
"Uhhh, hi?" He was obviously at a loss for words.
Her eyes darted to his temple then to the brace, looking rather pensive. Shinji quietly emerged by her side and gave her a small nudge. How he kept sneaking up like that was quite a talent. Must have been a ninja in his previous life. The Second Child let out a small cough and reached for a note.
"Dear, uhh…" she looked at his face to find his name. "New Kid. Thank you for your assistance back at the apartment." Her voice was robotic and she wasn't even pretending to sound like she was sincere. "It was rather unfortunate that you were injured by my— I mean, by the actions of someone who could have been me.. We hope you feel well and if you need anything at all, I'm sure we ca—"
She crumpled the note. "What the hell is this crap! You actually wrote this?"
Shinji raised his hands in a defensive posture. "Ms. Misato wanted us to say something nice to him." He turned his blue eyes to meet red ones. "Good to see the cut above your eye healed."
For someone the boy in the brace could not reject Asuka's attempt at an apology as he could see that underneath that brash exterior, and the ego, and the pompous attitude, and the insults oh and the acts of violence was a girl who was trying her 'd at least try to meet her halfway.
"Kinda wild how it wasn't as bad as it looked."
"How about the leg?"
He shifted his brace back and forth. "You mean this? Doctor said it wouldn't be for another week or two. Means I'm for sure passing on the Okinawa trip. Not that I was planning on going anyway."
Kaito stopped shuffling his cards. "You're not going? But you go every year?"
"I just transferred a little over a month ago!"
The gamer of the group placed his game console back into his bag. "You were totally there for the big prank we pulled on Mrs. Tamashi last year!"
"Why, oh why, would someone like me, with a rare skin condition that makes it really easy to get sunburn, want to go to one of the sunniest regions in Japan at peak summertime?
"Cause, it's Okinawa!"
The frustrated boy gave up arguing. There was no chance he could get those two to see reason. Shinji calmly spoke. "If it's any consolation, the three of us are not going either."
Kaito felt bad that New Kid wasn't able to go on the school trip like he always did. It always sucks when a classmate gets injured for a long period of time. Last time he saw that happen was with Rei and that was due to a piloting acci— wait….no way.
"HOLY COW! New Kid's an Eva pilot!"
His red eyes shot open wide with shock."I'm a what?!"
Before the thought was finished the gaggle of student's had swarmed his desk. Asuka was nearly caught in the stampede. Shinji ducked underneath a desk for shelter and Rei stared out the window. The "pilot" found the attention stifling.
"What the hell?!" Asuka shrieked "There's only three of us, and we're right here!"
Yoshihiro's eyes went wide. "This tracks! New Kid ain't going to Okinawa and why wouldn't he."
"I SAID I GET SUNBURNED EASILY!"
The outburst was ignored. "Cause he has to stay behind with the other pilots."
Kaito's confidence grew as he found more evidence for his theory. "New Kid transferred to our class the same day as Asuka, who's a pilot herself, and he looks like Rei!"
"Didn't Asuka say he was injured in a training accident!"
"Dear god my mind is blown!"
The inquirers piled to a fever pitch and even with Hikari's insistent yelling it took a grand total of twenty minutes for the chaos to die down. Like it or not, the newest student in Class 2-A found himself in the center of one big rumor that was impossible to shake. He could hear the loud, heavenly voice of god laughing at him.
This was going to suck, big time.
END
Heya, so a brief story about this series. It started off as a joke in the AsuShin discord where the premise was a normal albino teenager gets mistaken for a pilot and shenanigans happened. After months of playful writing, deep thinking and encouragement from the server's members I thought I'd actually put these ideas to paper for real. Believe me, this was a rather challenging story to write given how I wanted to find the correct amount of "zany" to include in the world. Comedy Eva fics don't get passed around as much, not unlike the early 2000s where you had gems like Role Playing, Misato's Predicament and Best Laid Plans. I really wanted to have a bit of that mad cap vibe. The plausibility of reality was pushed at a heightened state while not going full cartoon. New Kid has become somewhat of a shared idea in the fanfiction section and I wanted to give him just enough personality to feel "real" while also making sure he has that everyman slant that is pivotal to comedy. There will be more chapters so please leave your thoughts as I feel like this premise has a lot of potential.
Special thanks to my pre-reader hariton!