Chapter 12
(…)
Now my neck is open wide
Begging for a fist around it
Already choking on my pride
So there's no use crying about it
I'm headed straight for the castle
They wanna make me their queen
And there's an old man sitting on the throne
That's saying that I probably shouldn't be so mean
I'm headed straight for the castle
They've got the kingdom locked up
And there's an old man sitting on the throne
That's saying I should probably keep my pretty mouth shut
Straight for the castle
All of these minutes passing, sick of feeling used
If you wanna break these walls down
You're gonna get bruised
Now my neck is open wide
Begging for a fist around it
Already choking on my pride
So there's no use crying about it
Halsey - "Castle", album: Badlands, rel. 2015
Ana closed act 1 with relief and annoyance both. Sensation of both running out of time, and being utterly bored, was contradicting itself, but still happened.
And the Underdark was so beautiful, she could live there fulltime, so.
While she was openly sad and jealous, that Livstarion romance was progressing greatly, she openly cheered herself up by shamelessly sharing in, when Livia went to the vampire for a kiss, every time.
Felt wrong, but at the same time, she couldn't step out of her, didn't have a choice about being there, still had no clue what the fuck, and still thought that sentiment could be sentiment, but maybe let's not tell the pretty Astarion this body has two chicks. The jokes of course wrote themselves, but it wasn't that funny to Ana, and she handled it only by remembering at this point in time, maybe the vampire is opening up, but he was still fully planning on using Livia. Up to a point, though…
Moonrise Towers were within a reach of a thrown stone, as they stopped at the Last Light Inn, and met Jaheira and Dammon.
When the night came, Liviana released an exhale of relief, and went straight to Astarion.
As she threw herself into the vampire's arms and he caught her, Livia felt legitimate pleasure. Astarion was very good at bedsport.
Ana mumbled something unintelligibly, and Livia realized she was waiting for the sensations of the hug and the kiss, and would, as usual, disappear right after. Livia was free to fuck the vampire without additional witnesses, as soon as this toll was paid, so to speak.
But even with her barely giving a fuck, she could see the vampire was forcing himself, as he was reciprocating her kisses, that he just wasn't in the mood, while he still tried to please her.
Because you're doing it wrong, Ana said, looking at her own nails.
Livia felt pissed off.
Time to put you down a peg, she thought.
Then by all means, please demonstrate, she spoke to the stowaway.
To her surprise, Ana raised her eyebrows, all "are you sure?" and then, when Livia nodded eagerly, she took over. Gently.
Livia became a witness, her body steered by someone else from within, and she was a spectator, just watching, as the girl gently grabbed the lapels and so slowly, cautiously, pulled Astarion closer.
The vampire instantly perceived the change, his forehead creased, but he allowed the movement, as the human was gentle and careful with him, telegraphing everything.
Slowly, they went to their knees in his tent and she moved one hand to rest on his cheek.
Livia was about to make a cutting comment, when she was shocked by his reaction: he closed his eyes and pressed his face to the girl's palm, emanating relief.
Ana touched him gently, reverently, and only Livia could perceive the undercurrent of sadness there.
After a moment, the girl so obviously asked for consent for a kiss, a blind person would've been able to perceive it, and to Livia's shock, the vampire's pupils dilated.
Just as she expected the horny human to go all in, she was surprised yet again. Ana placed her hands gently on his face, and gave him the most chaste, closed-mouth reverent kiss.
Didn't make sense…
It also didn't make sense that when she pulled away from him, and he opened his eyes and looked into hers, he was almost panting, they both almost were.
…what the fuck, Livia thought, and sat up straight now, fully paying attention.
The tiefling perceived no satisfaction from Ana being right she could, in fact, improve on Livia, as she moved closer, and this time tilted her head for a proper kiss. Again, slowly, asking for consent every step of the way.
Astarion closed the rest of the distance, he grabbed onto her clothes and pulled her to him, her but not her body hitting his, he, opening her mouth with his tongue roughly, going all in, eyes closed in relish.
They both started kissing, the vampire moaned, and for an uncomfortable second, Livia felt like she was intruding on someone else's private moment, but she dispelled that feeling quickly.
She positioned herself, sort of right behind Ana, looking from behind, as if she was observing everything from behind the girl's back, and just started to take notes, because whatever the fuck was happening here, the human knew what she was doing, the results spoke for themselves.
Livia would have to be dead, and she still would probably feel that sexual pleasure that spread through her body. It was different than usual, both much gentler and much sharper, cutting through her, with sensations so delicious, but so deep, it almost felt uncomfortable.
The human closed her eyes properly, and fully gave herself to the kiss, her and the vampire were just making out like true lovers, he was becoming more and more ravenous by the second, his fingers harder by the second.
Out of nowhere, he human pushed herself away from him suddenly, with no prior warning, breathing hard, and he looked into her eyes still, like he wanted to devour her. Still in charge, she swallowed with nerves, and mind-touched Livia to take over, as she was ready to back down. Or run, Livia thought. And she could not remember, if she ever saw that girl actually run from anything.
Livia could've retorted, you wanted him, you got him, or pretended not to understand, but to be honest, she wanted that pleasure for herself, she asked for the vampire to be turned on, and the human did deliver, so let's just take over.
She didn't focus on the human's sensations, as the human in her stepped away, put her face in her hands, and breathed deeply, emanating both fear and lust. Livia instead focused on the delicious taste and feel of the vampire's mouth, which she didn't really notice before.
She managed to extend the sensation the other one started, but not elevate them, and later, when their naked bodies were cooling, recalled the whole thing step by step. She could coldly perceive, that at no point the vampire was as aroused, as he was, when he was kissing the human. Livia didn't feel jealousy or loss, more like… Jealousy for a skill she realized she must lack, but the human disappeared, as always. She would be back in the morning. Now Livia comprehended that Ana for some reason would rather wake up with her consciousness inside of Livia, while Astarion was pounding into her, than wake up when they were lying next to each other, sleeping, naked, after the deed.
And yet nothing changed, the druid drew the girl, the vampire drew the girl, but her emotions remained as always: if Livia could visualize Ana swimming freely in the waters of their mind, she saw beautiful blue clarity, clean sea, sun rays throughout the entire body of water… While the waters of Ana's mind maybe were transparent, but Livia couldn't confirm for sure, because there was never enough light to see for sure these waters weren't black… In the total darkness, it was impossible to tell if she was still on a shallow level, or did she go very deep, there was no point of orientation, only black everywhere. And those few times she went there, she started to feel a legitimate fear, she wouldn't find her way out of the other one's mind, sense of claustrophobia of black water, fear for oxygen running out stupidly, though that's not how mind-swimming worked, took over. Ana showed up then, each time, out of nowhere, grabbed her gently by the arm, and swam them both back, to her own sun-filled blue waters.
There never was any resentment, only worry, at most.
After the last time it happened, Ana sat next to her in their mind on the beach they constructed and calmly spoke, never once looking at the tiefling, looking straight ahead.
I know what you've looked through.
Livia felt true trepidation.
Ana never looked at her.
I know what you know.
I know what you learned, how much time you have spent on looking through my memories, especially those I refuse to view.
Good. Now you know.
But Liv… this is the whole framework. There isn't more. The rest are details, extensions, or reframing, of the story you already learned. But as big things go, you know everything. You're just hurting yourself trying to go and see more. I swear, and you can see within my mind, I am being honest- I promise you have the whole skeleton of the issue. You don't have to keep hurting yourself, by coming back there.
Livia swallowed and focused, and finally had the vagina to ask the question, that was haunting her from the moment she realized, what was the most pressing current issue the human had, aside from being trapped in Faerún against her will.
… So, what's the situation right now? Livia asked quietly, making it obvious, what she really wanted, needed, to know.
Ana swallowed.
She opened a section of her mind, so Livia could confirm, and spoke, what to the tiefling honestly sounded like a sentence:
Same as it was five years ago.
Livia understood.
Swallowed.
She knew the stowaway well enough to recognize the girl would react to any further reaction, be it empathy, pity, rage or mockery, with even hostility, regardless.
She told her.
She told her, and didn't have to spell out what couldn't be changed, Livia also didn't need to verbalize.
Fuck, it's hard to not respect someone, who manages to live like that. Livia knew if she was any softer, she would straight up weep for the human girl. Even if a miracle were to happen now, nothing could make up for what happened in the past.
And also… Now she suspected what dynamic exactly received the label "the only true threat" Ana would apply… but it was probably best to ask nevertheless. She did see the crux of events, key points, granted, she did also see the pattern of human's choices and reactions to what happened, but this wasn't the same as actually having a full read through ascribed meanings. Things happened from an individual's point of of view, and reconstructing what exactly were other actors thinking, was a whole other can of worms.
Partially, this girl's life… was over. In other ways… she was like someone who couldn't be imprisoned, her mind so free, even now, with how she was, even aside from Faerún, she kept a surprising amount of agency.
But all that was not going to last forever.
Minds aren't built for living in situations like that endlessly, without something giving. Ana knew that, and Liv knew that, too.
Ana sighed and Livia realized with a shock, she would be capable of giving up quite a lot to help the human…
But even if she could just give her her own energy… the girl wouldn't accept it. She was… fully resigned, like a captain on a sinking boat, calmly proud and determined, to go down with the ship, without the sense of defeat or humiliation. Captains, good captains, went down with their ships, stayed last, after they evacuated everyone. That's just what they did. It would be a defeat or humiliation to abandon the ship, so to speak.
It was Livia's time to sigh.
She normally would fuck around with this human, just because the human could, and did, make Astarion sigh in true pleasure and that hurt Livia's ego…
But it was sort of impossible to not see why he reacted like that…
And he didn't even know.
But Moonrise Towers did come and with them, Ketheric, Z'rell… and Araj Oblodra.
Livia and Ana experienced a legitimate full-blown argument right there, as Livia ate the tadpoles, sacrificing her own brain, shared some with Astarion. Therefore she couldn't conceive of the option of not forcing him to get that stupid fucking potion for them. They just watched Ketheric regenerate, for fuck's sake.
Ana, whilst she fully agreed with this thinking, also genuinely thought Astarion's discomfort wasn't worth it, whatever the fuck the potion was, and growled at Livia, that no.
When Livia asked sarcastically, shall we kill the drow for the crime of making the poor bwaby wampire feel bad for a moment, Ana seriously responded that no, because bitch survives Moonrise and comes fucking useful in the Third Act, if we share blood with her, like we just had.
Liv raised her arms in disbelief.
Fuck a vampire spawn. He fucks so well, you don't even have to be fucked by him, to act is if he already fucked you, and good.
Ana shrugged, utterly not humiliated, so Livia missed the mark.
She looked at the gorgeous drow with true hostility and repeated, forcing Livia's mouth: it's your choice, Astarion.
He thanked her, surprised… and declined to endure ten fucking seconds of being uncomfortable for the good of the party.
Livia seethed. Ana shrugged, without displaying any satisfaction or meanness, again.
Astarion looked at her, as if she grew a second head… and then he wanted to talk to them, in the evening.
As they were to set in for the night, Livia was ready to go to him, but before that happened, Ana stopped her.
Stop, she calmly said.
What, Livia barked, completely furious at the waste of the precious potion. In her opinion, this was sentimentality getting in the way of the journey. Ceremorphosis was still a threat on the horizon, they watched Ketheric regenerate, and this stupid girl refused a potion that would've increased strength.
And that's when Ana slapped her.
Wasn't even very hard, which somehow was even worse.
As Livia felt her claws almost lengthen, the human looked at her so seriously, so calmly, and with absolutely zero fear, or remorse, which gave the tiefling pause.
Now go to him. And listen to what he has to say.
And whatever comments you want to make to me regarding the slap, you can give them to me, after you've spoken to him, and heard what he has to say now. She spoke, and Livia was reminded sometimes, but rarely, an intelligent animal was even more dangerous than a furious animal.
She went obediently to Astarion, fully convinced nothing he could possibly say, would make her feel Ana was justified in her highly emotional reaction.
She was wrong, of course.
Hours later, she sat down, meekly, at the foot of the beach that was a mental place they spoke in often. It was right at the foot of the diorama of an ocean, with a campfire and four bedrolls not far away from the waves. Ana freely changed the background and when she was not interested in a conversation, the space looked like whatever camp they inhabited at the moment. If she was open to questions, there was an ocean, or maybe a sea, with it's clean smell of salt, sand and water.
Baltic, but if it was clean, Ana murmured quietly. Whatever.
As Livia sat down next to the human, who stared at the churning waters as if she was content to do nothing else, and die whilst watching, the tiefling decided to try from a small angle.
So it's really stupid of me, I didn't connect he would be turned on by a genuine request of consent, isn't it.
Ana shrugged. It's understandable. He is so erotic, so hungry, so damn masculine, the association flies right under the radar. I didn't catch it right away either, don't blame yourself.
Livia swallowed.
You know, it would be easy to hate you for that slap, but… I am starting to realize if you caught him - and you would catch him instantly - mistreating me, he would regret the day he was reborn. This entire time, you observed our relationship, and knew he is distrustful and I am half-engaged, so it was fine, under your control. But if he had changed his mind, and decided to full on use me, you would have eviscerated him.
Ana sighed.
He surprises me constantly, she admitted.
Every time I expect him to act like a douchenozzle, he is honourable. Every time I expect him to have standards, he devolves into a knob-head.
I didn't see it coming, none of it, he surprised me at every turn. He legitimately planned to play us… and you heard what he said now.
Livia couldn't help a warm, gooey feeling inside when she recalled, what he explained about his nice, simple plan.
I am… retroactively glad you kept protecting him from me. And now that I know you better, I also know you would've stopped it, if he ever was a true threat to me, if you knew he won't start having true feelings.
Ana nodded. It was true. Everyone deserved the same amount of protection, Livia included, and if Astarion stayed cynical, she couldn't respect him a second longer, therefore she would've ceased protecting him. One of the reasons she hated Ascendant so, felt only contempt for him.
Tell me more about the Rite of Profane Ascension, Livia asked. Livia constantly caught snippets of knowledge the girl had as she did this all before, when Ana was thinking, it was sort of available in real time. They did share a mind.
Ana yawned.
Browse through my mind freely, don't make me talk, and no, you don't need my commentary.
In that case, that's what Livia would do. If Ana said she didn't need any subtitles to understand all the dynamics taking place, it meant she didn't need any subtitles to understand all the dynamics taking place.
You knew, from the start, what is going to happen here, Livia said and was shocked when Ana turned around to face her.
No.
This is "my" first successful relationship with him, that goes so well. I had no fucking idea, what his reaction will be to my decision, he doesn't have to drink from Araj, I had no clue about him falling for us like that. The last time he just thanked me, explained his thinking, the reality of his slavery.
His nice simple plan? We both heard him say that for the first time.
The human opened up a section of her mind, to show she was telling the truth.
I thought he was going to thank you for not forcing him, explain the logic, the speech he actually delivered you, I heard today for the first time.
Livia looked at the human shocked.
Told you. You're new and you're changing everything. Ana spoke.
You feel no sexual desire for him… but when you kissed him, this was insane, what you both felt. Livia decided to speak the obvious.
Ana's gaze escaped to the salty waters.
You changed, Liv. You're feeling empathy on your own, constantly.
Also, I am sorry I slapped you. The human swallowed, looked down. I shouldn't have done that.
Liv recalled the entire situation before hand.
Nah, your reaction is quite understandable. And again, much harder to blame you, because in reality… you treat everyone the same, you have the same rules for everyone. You subtly maneuvered me, so that Lae'zel and Shadowheart calmed down, you reconciled Wyll and Karlach, spoke down Mizora, even Volo and Withers. It's subtle, but it's there, you have the same rules for everyone.
Though not the same reactions. You have feelings for Astarion, but at this moment, I completely don't understand what kinds of feelings are those. They're not romantic, they're not sexual, they just have elements of both of those. I don't get it.
You still want the druid? Liv asked.
Yes, and he becomes available when the curse is lifted.
Livia sighed. Dear gods, if I have to listen to that pixie bitch moan me oh my oh my oh me a few more times, I will beat her to death, with her own moonlantern.
Ana nodded.
Defeating Ketheric, once that fucking curse is lifted, isn't that insane, promise. The Gauntlet of Shar is fun.
Raphael is hot, Livia offered.
Ana rolled her eyes.
There is an option no one sleeps with the vampire, and he doesn't get naked, no one knows about his scars. Raphael shows up, before the mausoleum we're going to tomorrow, and fucking burns clothes off of Astarion, to show his back, to everyone.
Pants too? Livia asked. Butt-naked? Without his permission? Just… humiliates Astarion like that?
Yep. The human confirmed.
…You're going to shank him for that alone, aren't you? Livia smiled, realizing.
I was wondering why you don't like him more, from your old memories, this is your favorite archetype of a man.
Ana smiled.
Yeah, he will die for that. And also, he is the favorite visual archetype of a man, when he is himself, but this is precisely the problem with Astarion. He bulldozed through everything I used to think about masculinity, and redefined it to his own mold.
That was impressive.
Why?
He brought victims to Caz, broke under the whip, he is a slave. What is there to admire him for, so much?
Ana smiled absent-mindedly again. You will learn. Regardless of what it feels like, Baldur's Gate is closer with every minute… and with it, Cazador's palace.
The human laid out on the sand, closing her eyes, seemingly content to become bones on that beach.
(when I am bones on the beach)
Ana…
Don't go there.
Human didn't even open her eyes.
She felt what topic Livia wanted to ask about.
Livia nodded. When she wanted to, the human could be impenetrable, unpersuadable.
Then I want to ask about that worst thing ever, the only threat you take fully seriously. I touched your mind - you don't take Ketheric or the Absolute that seriously.
The human got back up, her mood clearly soured. Before she could control it, Livia saw an image…
A temple? A dark, horrific temple for an evil god, a stone altar…
The human swallowed. Her heart-rate increased, and with a feeling of inevitable, she gently started to show Livia answers to her questions.
The image changed and displayed some sort of an insane, elaborate space, in cold greens, with cages hanging from the insanely high ceiling, corpses in some of them. The images overlayered, their dynamics becoming one, as the human viewed them.
Tell me. Livia asked quietly.
She saw Ana, but different. Younger, healthier, a very young adult on the cusp of full bloom, being laid out on a stone altar by a small, fat and utterly adorable mother archetype human woman, who smiled at her lovingly.
No, there were three others there, too, other women, younger. Mother and four daughters. They surrounded the stone altar, the youngest one laying on it with a trusting smile, her family surrounding her with reassuring, loving smiles of their own.
Ana hissed quietly, and before she could help it, chanting could be heard, images cut through each other, didn't make sense, scattered memories and snippets, and when narrative made sense again, the young human was screaming. She was shouting words at her own family.
Livia gasped.
Now that was a comparison.
The woman, now older, on the beach next to her, was practically dead, when compared to that young adult from the altar, who emanated so much strength, beauty, power, something indomitable and utterly perfect… As she was screaming at her own family, her lungs fully engaged, that it won't work, not like they think, it won't be like they think…
Double knives went into the humans' eyes and Livia watched, how the young vibrant woman transitioned into a husk, that was her stowaway for the past weeks.
On a cold green background, four women, one older, three younger, were elevated in red glow, the rite worked, but not because it was magical, but because it was evil.
Suddenly, the image changed.
The girl was facing down her family and out of nowhere Livia saw a second layer of reality, betraying the true core of it, visual image overlaid with the truth of the matter.
The girl was light, something very powerful behind her, as she faced her own mother.
An older, obese lady, who looked like the least threatening creature in the entire universe.
Until you looked at her smiling face.
Livia flinched.
This was perverse, it was obscene. An image of a loving obese mother who cooked like the best cook in the universe, who loved her kids to death, was betrayed when you looked closer. The face and eyes. That skin stretched over the face, the features, somehow underlining that this skin covered a skull, the eyes huge and burning, dead and alive, in that horrifying, misleading face.
Her mother was smiling, as her youngest was wailing.
Only two choices.
Submit or die.
The human glowed brighter and brighter, and then she spoke.
Nothing can be worth this. I don't care what I am losing, nothing can be worth this price.
As she rejected the legacy, with a sigh of relief submitted to death, her mother raged and burned, the temple shook and stones fell from what was rapidly becoming a ruin… And Livia suddenly could see only coldness of space, an image of a roiling black planet, star? Black hole? The blackness evil and sentient, as it made a decision and it happened completely not the way it was supposed to, as the black sacrificed everything…
And exploded into light.
The supernova of it would reach the ends of the universe, would be felt for cosmic millennia to come.
After the white subsided, in the place of the black hole was a star… Bright, new, and so incredibly vital, Livia felt tears in her eyes.
As she looked closer, her own intelligence came through instantly, as she comprehended the problem that was not even on the horizon just yet.
The star lived… but it was burning through it's own fuel.
One day, it would die. A black hole could've lived indefinitely, this… was a ticket one way, punched already at arrival.
This star would one day, cease to shine.
But that would not be today.
As the image moved, and Livia could see the human again, she looked at herself shocked. She fully expected to die, relieved she could escape being evil in any way possible.
Now though… She was ready and was extremely happy to take this - becoming light - over becoming a good, little soldier. Now she looked at her own shining arm with genuine shock, unsure what happened, but owning it all the same.
As the powers lowered her feet back to the temple's stone floor, she was a new-born threat to her mother, to everything like her, a threat so horrific, the light was blinding.
Livia regarded curiously the reactions of the temple. The mother and her progeny hissed and fled - when the girl's light touched their skin, it was like acid, dissolving it. Darkness, sentient shadows exhaled in relief, fed on the light, it went through them, fattening them, becoming them, but they were not damaged by it whatsoever.
Livia looked closer.
But in some pockets of air, there was sentient, transparent, invisible force, that hissed at the human back, dissolved if the light of her touched it.
Evil, Livia realized.
Darkness loves her, evil cannot stand her. If a shadow is evil, she injures it with herself, but darkness that's just dark is safe with her.
She rejected her legacy.
The image moved and Livia realized few years had passed.
Her "family" was carrying her to the stone altar. The human screamed her lungs out, fighting so hard against being put there, so vital, so alive, so full of light, yelling it won't work, not like that, it's not what they think, it's a sham.
She would've lied there on her own, and died for them in a second, if she thought the rite gave her family true agency, Livia spotted. But she could see through the ritual, could see it was a sham. She struggled, because if she lost, they lost.
And they were stronger than her.
As the red glow of her family subsided, the human stayed on the altar, traumatized, shell-shocked, unable to move. Half of her essence went into the ritual, she was sacrificed there.
She lived, but much lessened.
Hours passed, her family moved on to enjoy their new Ascendant powers, when the human slowly, brokenly, got herself off the altar. Her eyes were dead as she walked blindly, to get out of the falling temple, the construction about to collapse and bury the crime scene forever.
She walked as if she was a thousand years old, obviously injured, obviously in such shock, clear thinking was a thing of impossibility.
The image cut.
Livia blinked, looked at the beach and the ocean. And the human next to her, staring at the waters, like she wanted nothing under her eyelids, but the greyish blue of them for the rest of her life.
Those were collated images, translations, so it could be understood what took place, but now that she was shown the core with the navigation, she could open each scene - a flick of the wrist - and see how it happened precisely, the originals.
As she browsed through scenes and hissed, hearing snippets of words said, she realized that the human extrapolated an essence of what took place, and placed the actual reality of events into two archetypes Livia would be able to understand. What she showed Livia was… the truth. This was the naked reality, core of what truly took place.
Your father is missing from the picture, she pointed out, when after a thousand years the tiefling could speak again.
Ana nodded only. Livia felt her deathly exhaustion.
That's when the tiefling realized, just being shown that much burned through so much of the fuel, it was insane, the girl would die a little quicker, because she explained to Livia what was the worst possible threat in her estimation.
It came to pass.
Now was years later, the events old, far away in time.
The star burned through itself, there was very little fuel left, and she just used a shit ton to ease Livia's curiosity.
Livia felt horror at that, but Ana spoke again.
No, Liv. You wanted to know what is the label of the biggest threat. And you deserve to know, because this may happen again. Sceleritas… if the worst comes to pass… I doubt it will, but just in case… I pray you won't need that knowledge, but just in worst case scenario, now you know how I acted, and what makes me think this way.
An impression followed - a look into that sweet older obese lady.
Livia swallowed.
Not much made her stiffen in fear, but this…
Dear gods.
True fucking pure evil.
A sensation of a dimension pocket, a scream, constant screams in the background, Ana, Livia, Liviana, was standing in… oh gods… Corpses, excrement, guts, blood, remains, of children, adults, all of them of pure innocence. Raped, raped to death, abandoned, betrayed, the endless layer of their bodies reached to Livia's knees, just below, as she was standing there. The smell was putrid, but not just bad, it carried evil. She could discern a tiny baby's arm or leg or torso, here or there. In other places, dismembered adults were destroyed elders, their faces bearing such betrayal even in death… Standing in that biological waste, full of blood, shit, and sperm of satisfied rapists, Livia felt herself, for the first time, be horrified by corpses, by the devastation evil wrought.
She could feel panic rising, her own breath rising to scream in her throat, and if it would start, her mind would shatter forever, never to be healthy again… As her lungs were heaving, preparing for that scream, the human ripped her out of the image in one pull.
Livia was panting, looking straight ahead, at the sea, but seeing only what she was just shown.
What…
My mother… did not invent evil. I would even argue she wasn't evil herself. She just carried it. Pattern of choices, many choices, repeated over the years… her soul linked to the dimension you just saw, regardless of any choices she would make, ever again. She was its victim as much as its tool.
Livia was breathing hard. She could still smell that place and wanted to cut her own nose off, turns out true distilled evil has a smell.
She got up and went to into the ocean and just dunked her entire head in, allowing the salty water to get into her nose, her throat, anything to remove that memory.
Potential for such destruction, and not an explosion of the planet, but something mental, something much more sinister… What evils could be accomplished, what systems implemented, what could be done, on a country, on a world-level, through politics and its machinery… If someone would become like that, and lived without the awareness what they were branded by?
So you see, I was, and remain relieved I could die. But picking up her legacy, being hers and of her? No.
And then they extended it, brought her back down there again, against her will - hey, she rejected the family, so maybe let's show the youngest she still has to obey…
The human yawned and nodded. It's the evil that cinches the Ascension, not the rite itself.
They brought me there also for the third time, she said quietly.
Livia's head whipped to her.
At the last second, she connected. The darkest, thickest water in the girl's mind, memory that couldn't be viewed, Livia did in fact, see it from a distance. The last death, so to speak.
It's not relevant to the story playing out here, but for the sake of honesty, I am letting you know, I ended up there for the third and final time. No, I did not really survive, as you can see.
Your sisters…
Before I was even born, they also ended up on the altar, have no doubt. Ana said.
Livia managed a private thought: but the choices they made… they, in the end, stood with her. For survival.
They're out there, now, living their adult lives. Two of them have kids. I don't speak to them often, there's nothing to say, not after the third time.
Livia allowed her mind to churn through what she saw.
You see Liv, I am not special. Not at all. What you just saw has happened a billion times before me, a million during my lifetime on the planet. The trope of eating others for their power is universal. The archetype of accepting or rejecting your parents' legacy is as old as the universe itself. These decisions are made constantly.
But not every person who was forced into them is dying right now, Livia thought, but kept that to herself.
What took place was so violent, the evil so potent, this was a natural exchange of power, if the girl didn't die and didn't pick up the legacy, she couldn't have survived in the same shape.
It was a horrible discovery to comprehend that agency came with a price, always.
And it didn't matter to the universe the choice of agency you made was for good, not evil. Both cost you exactly the same.
Only evil paid much better short term. For example… maybe the human wouldn't be suffering and dying right now, if she had chosen it, then.
Did you ever regret it? The choice you made?
Do you want me to be absolutely honest? Completely, utterly, 100% open about my thoughts about this, twenty years later? Even if you might not like what I have to say?
Liv nodded.
Every year since, several times each year, I was growing and learning as a person - my growth possible in completely new ways because of what I rejected. I was learning more and fell to my knees in gratitude, I even could die, and pay that price, but avoid being evil. Observing what evil is capable of doing, my decision was rewarded post-event over and over and over. As time grew, I only became more relieved and grateful, on my knees thankful, I could've made a choice to die.
That's how horrific it would've been if I had accepted the legacy.
Livia swallowed.
You're dying right now.
The human sighed.
There is always a price.
Still happy?
Absolutely.
Liv was starting to understand.
Suddenly, something else occurred to her.
She slowly pivoted to the dying human next to her.
That's why you're staying away from the vampire, aren't you. This is true reason why.
Ana for the first time ever, seemed actually troubled, not fully composed and calm.
…Yes.
When I'm lying in my bed, I like to pretend
That my body is just bones on the beach
It's the first time I feel rested
Since my mother's womb, I slept in
My last home between the stones and the sea
Some overzealous anthropology professor
With all his students in tow
Carry spades and books for studying
Stumbling, discover me
I implore them to leave me alone
Say, "Give me one millennium more there"
Maybe I will belong more there
Than any place in which I was living
When I'm bones on the beach
Paris Paloma, "Bones on the beach", Cacophony, rel.2024