Chapter 13
It's thawing and melting the ice
White goats are grazing on the mountainside
It's golden, blinded by the sight
Of the water, moving in the last of the light
I used to think that I
Was running from the night
But I've been following behind
The light, all this time
It can't hurt me
It's still there, but it can't now, the warmth's returning
The warmth is coming back, and now, no, it can't hurt me
It's still there, but it can't now, the warmth's returning
Paris Paloma, "The warmth", album: Cacophony, rel. 2024
Astarion looked like something crawled up his ass, when he wanted to speak after Araj.
"Do you have a moment? I think we need to talk."
"Wanted to speak about your undying love for me? Are you okay?" Livia quipped lightly and smiled at him warmly. She was furious with Ana, but that was a problem between Ana and her, and the vampire was not involved with that, it wasn't his fault the human insisted on her way. And now that it was done, there was no point or reason to punish him for decisions someone else made.
"Oh I am fine, I just… feel awful. Look, I had a plan, a nice, simple plan -seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings, so you'd never turn on me. It was easy, instinctive… Habits from 200 years of charming people kicked in. All you had to do… was fall for it."
Livia nodded, that much she connected, she wasn't even insulted, this con she could respect, rogue to rogue, but… where was he going with this?
"And all I had to do was… not fall for you. Which is were my nice, simple plan fell apart."
Livia felt shock… and a lot of other emotions.
"You're… you're incredible. You deserve something real. I want us to be something real." Astarion said and Livia was reeling.
"I just don't know what real looks like, not after 200 years of playing the rake. Being close to someone, any kind of intimacy, was something I performed, to lure people back, for him. Even though I know things between us are different, being with someone still feels… tainted. Still brings up the feelings of disgust and loathing. I don't know how else to be with someone. No matter how much I'd like to."
Livia's mouth opened seemingly on its own volition.
"I care about you."
"Really?" Astarion asked.
Livia was speechless, slack-jawed, Ana wasn't present. She liked the vampire, felt warmth for him… but during this conversation, as she spoke with him, it wasn't her own emotions that rose to the occasion, that rose to the situation. It was the other person in this body, these emotions right there, shared with Livia openly, lines blurred.
So when he made her heart legitimately skip a beat with his words about her being incredible, deserving something real, it all sort of… happened through Livia.
Ana's emotions were her own. From the second Livia realized he was actually earnest and vulnerable, the girl didn't show up herself, but they still lived in one body and Livia spoke from the heart, though not her own.
As he disbelieved someone could care about him, her mind split in two. On one hand, she fully understood and agreed, she liked him, she liked fucking him and she was happy to help him achieve freedom and whatever goals he had.
But if it was just her alone, this entire speech would've made her uncomfortable, he felt more than she felt. There was a legitimate question there, a thick strand of possible relationship, and it was too thick for how Livia felt about him.
And yet, it was still so much thinner than what Ana felt.
The other part of Livia's mind was overwhelmed that even that wasn't enough, that after what he was put through, it might still not be enough to feed him, but he had to know he was more precious than anyone or anything else, opening the mind with the tadpole, to show him this insane ocean of tenderness and care, was the only possible reaction.
Livia and Astarion were both shocked at its size.
"You… you're full of surprises, aren't you…" He said.
Livia went to him and hugged him. It was the only thing she could've done and something she herself wanted to do, aside from Ana's feelings.
As she hid her face in the crook of his neck, she felt like a thief.
The warmth of the connection spread through her, feeding her so well, it destroyed any arguments anyone might ever had which one is better, sex or intimacy. Intimacy. If sex would be done with this, it would be pure insanity.
And throughout the entire conversation, Ana was not there, only her emotions Livia shamelessly used to speak to him.
If she was in this sort of a situation the mortal was, and was less selfish, this was literally the only reasonable solution to stay the fuck away from him. Had it been Livia, she would've gleefully taken it.
Ana would rather break his heart now, when it still wasn't that deep, then break it later completely.
For the first time in her life, Livia felt desire for someone else to accomplish true happiness and love and victory. She wanted the stowaway in the vampire's arms, them both happy, without Livia, able to be together, if they could make it work. She wanted Ana to step out of her into Astarion's arms, be safe there, forever.
Because Livia was haunted by Sceleritas and yet… The human's signature revealed… What she felt when she watched the Nightsong fly…
This human was imprisoned somewhere. Ana wasn't just dying, just almost spent, no, there was more. Livia needed her entire mind and energy to focus, so dark this all was, but she could barely perceive the only logical explanation that would explain all the woman's behaviors and thoughts.
She was trapped somewhere, like the Nightsong, except she wasn't a child of a goddess or anyone special, and if someone would even see her prison, not reconstruct it mentally, not see through tadpoles, but actually look at it physically, they could be sucked into it with her.
And so true intimacy with the vampire was impossible.
Livia knew she lost her memories. She remembered what Ketheric told her in the throne room, about her.
But even with memories lost, she could feel with her entire self: never before in her entire life she felt so much empathy wishing for the other's happiness, as she felt now for the human that inhabited her.
The more impossible it was, the more she wanted it… and it was impossible. And if Ana even caught her thinking about it once, about the possibility of working behind her back, so her and the vampire could truly connect… She would be furious.
Although… It didn't make sense. Livia recalled moments when she slept next to Astarion after they had sex, sometimes she woke up, and he was awake, and she felt her mind was active, tadpoles of them both connecting and disconnecting…
She clicked so suddenly, her jaw dropped open.
She must not let Ana learn about this, at any cost!
Because Livia could now see, now that she looked back at her own memories of those moments… Moments where tadpoles were activating themselves on their own, joining with the vampire's, it was so fucking clear…
It wasn't Livia that really drew him, it never had been, not even from the start. Sure, he liked her bloodthirsty, murdery nature and he rolled his eyes at Ana's constant insistence on saving everyone and blablabla, but below that… It almost was like both her and Ana had each one primal tadpole, and that primal tadpole of Ana's kept connecting to Astarion's. Livia was sure the girl didn't know that. If she had, she would've pushed to break contact with vampire entirely, keep him as far away as possible.
Livia has been gathering mental power and the results of her lessons, and hard work, for a while now. Everything she learned from Ana about separations, mental structures, boundaries, hiding shit, mental acting, all that insane knowledge… From the moment she woke up with the stowaway, she planned on the moment when she would be able to deceive the other woman, or take the power for herself, and be the one directing this show.
Forget it. He spoke about his nice simple plan, but you have no idea and no plans about anything. You're remorseful about the fact you would've pushed him to drink from Araj Oblodra, you're understanding why she slapped you. You built it up, spread it over your mind, as a thick layer. The thoughts she is not supposed to see, let them disappear in the overall darkness, don't mark them with a wall of separation, that might as well announce there's a secret there, don't draw attention to it… And don't think about it, focus only on what you would've focused if you never learned…
Livia was truly surprised, but she smiled. Never in a million years Livia would've thought then, that when it came to, she would use this power to shield parts of her mind so the stowaway doesn't learn about this, not to hurt her, but to prevent the possibility of her and the vampire being cut… Livia wanted, more than anything, to see these two connected, on their own, properly, without herself. Who would've thought?
But here we are.
Ana tried to handle her own emotions and fucking couldn't.
For someone who sacrificed the majority of their mind to handle the intensity of the minority, it was an unpleasant and a surprising sensation. It was also openly a fucking threat.
But her mind kept churning.
In that space she managed to keep separated from Livia constantly, truest, deepest parts of her lived and thought and felt.
Those parts weren't meant to keep secrets. It wasn't the past that was hidden behind this wall.
Only one specific thing existed there, the core of her, the thickest, realest part of her soul. Ana didn't see a reason to let Livia learn it even was there, because in her estimation it wasn't safe for Livia in the slightest to even look at it. She also knew those instinctive fears were not anxiety, but competent recognition of reality. It wasn't about pride, deception… it was about protection from something so vile, it was possible even someone as hearty as Livia could be seriously harmed by just looking at it.
Or sucked in, her mind whispered, but she banished that horrible thought, lest it would draw her into an anxiety spiral. Just because something was possible, it didn't mean it would come to pass.
Just look, they saved the vampire from themselves. And then he blew her mind by staying there the whole night.
Ana took him with her twice as a companion.
But this she never saw coming. The vampire could not be relied on to have empathy for others, it was his biggest flaw… apparently not when Livia was concerned.
She was both jealous, bitter and overjoyed for these two. Especially in this darkest part of her mind she had no delusions about reality, it wasn't even about the fact she wasn't from Faerún and he didn't know she existed, it was about… well, that.
So it would be Livia, it they both wanted it, her and the vampire.
So the best thing to do was to be grateful she got to be in the body that heard the words Astarion spoke. Regardless of how much she tried to stop, her mind kept replaying his voice, until she started to weep.
Relief and ache, relief and agony, relief and despair, as he spoke about being there for Livia to see her through the Urge, and wanting something real with the tiefling.
Not for you, she reminded herself. Not for you, and be grateful you even were to hear him say it.
She repositioned aching back and hips and soothed herself by living vicariously through Livia. That was the only true living she still had available to her. She wouldn't steal it from Liv, but fuck, she would immerse herself in it. After all, it was just emotional warmth, not even the warmth of the vampire's arms around her, that was Livia's exclusively. So she forgave herself she took what wasn't hers and resettled, telling herself she was dying and not a threat to anyone, and Livia knew and shared the warmth of him openly.
Besides, Withers must've gotten what she asked for, so Astarion would soon learn. He would, best case scenario, forgive Ana for being a shithead and ignore her like a peasant from this point on, and gleefully be happy with Livia.
She knew she was almost dead, when she realized that thought, that full image brought no jealousy or bitterness, but only joy at the image of Astarion and Livia happy, free and safe, together.
Halsin rescued Thaniel, after they all made themselves huge with potions, employed a fucking stone wall, fire wards, whole strategy, three barrels of explosives and they still almost failed.
Cheer up, Ana said to Livia. This was the hardest bit for me, in my first playthrough, had to do it thirty times.
Why? WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER? Livia screamed. The human was stubborn, but not like, stupidly, and this was… just stupid.
Ana couldn't explain what she felt, when the game informed her that Halsin is dead. The instant refusal "no" was so intense, this was the moment she decided letting story flow naturally sure had its advantages, but not here, and she would keep doing this fucking portal, until Halsin lived. It was necessary to lift the curse, for one. Second… just the thought of the world without the druid, filled her with feelings of despair so familiar, she couldn't stand them. She enjoyed Faerún, because it had people like Halsin, and despised her life in England, because in her isolation, not only she didn't have anyone like that in her life, she didn't even know how and where to locate someone like that. Up to this point, she allowed the natural choices, without save files, to play out. At this spot, she dug her heels in completely, like she learned to do when she was dealing with NHS.
That decision cost her, because she literally had to go at it thirty times to make sure druid lived, the stupid portal couldn't be healed. Solution was using the party as human shields and once again, she appreciated what the game brutally demonstrated about rules of true combat. For the first time, she realized practical advantage of child soldiers and human shields in general. Real life combat didn't work like gameplay in the game, there were no rules everyone had one move, one reaction, specific distance.
But practically, everyone operated on this design to some extent. A soldier fired a bullet and that bullet was spent. While they fired this bullet, they couldn't do anything else, one bullet at a time, depending on the weapon and that's why high-grade weaponry shouldn't be allowed, anywhere. If a soldier was facing an army made of copies of him on the other side, it made the fight equal. If the opposite army was opened by thousands of children or human shields, regardless of everything they still had to kill those children to even get to shoot at those enemy soldiers, and if they declined killing the kids, the soldiers who had human shields would survive the first wave of combat, descend on them, and they would kill everyone who wasn't on their side. So yeah, human shields simply worked. Refusing to kill those children would lose entire combat, and weren't you in it in the first place to protect mom's apple pie, country and freedom?
No? It was about oil and corporations, young men dying for properties and territories of old men? Well, maybe so, but sociologically, war was a super important cultural element of stabilizing countries, growing cultures, and societies across larger territories, so as a tool of civilization, it had to stay.
They visited the House of Healing, poor Arabella did find out what happened to her parents. Ana's feelings, when dealing with Malus Thorm and his cute nurses, including Ana's namesake, were so complicated, that despite the fact it was transparent, Livia didn't even know where to start unraveling that knot. Ana giggled only in one place. "Are we poorly? Are we desperately poorly?" the cute undead asked, and Ana nudged Livia to make Astarion answer this one. When the vampire pointed out, woman, look at the color of my complexion, I am pale like a ghost, Ana giggled happily, pointing out to Livia she was naturally even whiter than the vampire, if her years of picking foundations taught her anything. Livia snorted. They still had to kill that nurse later because she made a problem with them looting the whole place.
Let people steal shit, don't stand in their way, Liviana re-learned.
At the Shar's Temple, the Gauntlet of Shar, Astarion easily did the first challenge, the second wasn't much worse, but the third made them all furious. They tried and failed.
Ana decided to get involved.
Tell everyone to leave.
Livia did.
Now give me the entire control, all of it.
Livia did. Ana cut her wrist into the bowl.
Why do we have the moonlantern? Give it to Astarion, make sure it's outside the room.
Livia moaned, but obeyed.
Turn off all the lights, Ana instructed, clearly for now Livia her little busboy. As Livia whined it would make it harder, they stayed in complete darkness.
Couldn't even study the fucking map for it!
Ana walked slowly, calmly, to the first section of the Faith-Leap trial. As they stood on air, and Livia was sure they are about to take one more step, and fucking die again, Ana spoke to her.
Look.
Livia was about to dismiss her, but then…
Holy shit.
There were small, tiny dots of white on the floor, clearly marking the path. You could make small jumps without a problem.
Solution in the complete darkness.
Ana did the jumps and made it to the end. And thus, they had the third umbral gem.
The last one though…
As Livia exited the Gauntlet, everyone was very impressed with her and she knew even if they knew about the human, Ana would've wanted her to take the credit.
Astarion looked at her legitimately impressed, and she swallowed. Now Livia was having weird reactions towards the vampire, physical ones. Nausea and nerves, sweaty palms, teenage bullshit she never went through as a teenager.
It was awful.
At least Ana didn't do what Livia would for sure: she didn't make fun of her, didn't make a single jab at her.
Livia could also easily perceive the human, every time they looked or thought about the vampire, was getting heavier in her mind, and fidgety. Ana couldn't stand the situation the vampire was sleeping with Livia, now open and trusting, while there was a second presence there he didn't know about. Her ethics broke under that completely, and Livia constantly had to reassure her it would be fine, but she knew time was running out. The human couldn't take deceiving Astarion like that.
Ana was sad, resigned and felt like a sack of lying, deceitful shit, as she directed Livia to to the Silent Library, told her instantly which book was it, and they retrieved the Spear of the Night. Shadowheart kept speaking about becoming a Justiciar, and it was a miracle she didn't hear Ana's growling from inside of Livia, and didn't see Livia rolling her eyes at her.
For now, Ana pushed they would have to kill Balthazaar anyway, might as well be now, so that's what they did.
As they moved to orthon, Ana's sighing was legitimately starting to bother Liv.
You're bitching and whining and moaning, she bitched herself.
I know, I am sorry. Let's just kill him.
Let's just kill him.
The trick with the cowardly orthon was something that did damage overtime, explosives thrown his way, or ideally, making him kill his merregons, as then it was much easier to defeat only him and Whiskers.
As the orthon fell, Livia felt Ana's trepidation.
Pick up the fucking gem immediately, she instructed. Once the game glitched for me here and because the gem was next to orthon's remains, it couldn't be picked up. Had to kill him again.
Glitched? The memories of the human were insane, but sure enough Livia could open with a flick of the wrist a memory of the human going about it in fifteen different ways, including a ghostly hand, and trying to move the ashes, and nothing.
Ana openly growled at Astarion, as Livia, thoroughly done with this day, went to him and asked for maybe a "thank you", and it clearly cost him so much to just say this. The human looked him over with unimpressed with his assholery, and rolled her eyes. Stupid child, she said.
But she still was present, as Livia went to kiss the vampire goodnight this long rest.
The next day, Ana directed them to the fucking rats, and said after this fucker, there's nothing more to be done, only the Nightsong is left.
The way Ana despised Justiciars was truly inspiring. Not only did she not take them as threats, she literally perceived them as hillbillies. She respected Balthazaar more.
Livia insisted they take Shadowheart, give her a chance to make a right choice, and the human acquiesced.
It was a mistake.
After Liviana was standing over the half-elf's dead body, she felt Ana was almost too dried up inside for grief.
She decidedly moved the feelings of loss away and gently took over.
Livia didn't want to be excluded, so they joined, sharing 50-50, as they spoke to the Nightsong, and clarified they were not here to take the pleasure of killing her for themselves.
Livia felt tears in her throat, as she watched this magnificent flight.
Dame Aylin spoke: "I am resplendent."
Ana just silently looked on, moved beyond belief, like someone standing in a true temple of a god they could truly believe in.
When I grow up, I am going to be her, Livia offered, and Ana nodded vigorously.
The curse was no more.
Seeing Isobel's reaction and then the lovers reunited in their camp, Livia understood why Ana wouldn't have sacrificed the stupid cleric even if the Inn's protection wasn't on the line.
You're a romantic at heart, aren't you, she said, as Aylin and Isobel both stood in their camp, and Aylin openly spoke about taking in each other's words and bodies.
Ana snorted at her.
So is the vampire, look.
The vampire's face was impenetrable, but they knew him now, and knew he felt a lot of emotions right now, looking at the reunited, happy couple. The emotions he felt were complicated, as he perceived the situation from different angles.
But everyone felt similarly, maybe except Mizora.
It was just so good, that the evil was vanquished, and the lovers were reunited. Thaniel and Oliver were healing, Art Cullagh could finally know peace, and Halsin would finally fulfill a hundred years old quest.
She asked Livia to go to the back of their minds, and went to Withers. She decided on how she would make them tell Astarion the truth and apologize. Also, she wanted to give him something small, and from her world, and Withers was the only way.
The fucking Raphael was waiting for them right in their camp, this disrespectful fuck.
Liviana and Astarion spoke to him, and listened to him explain, as he spoke about the Rite of Profane Ascension and instantly, Livia perceived Ana hiding some details from her, but she still picked up on her own in a second, this could not possibly be the whole story.
The tragedy of it was horrific, and Astarion, calm and logical and thinking, even scarier. Unsettling as fuck it was, to see him calculating and considering.
Because of Ana, Livia knew he wanted to take over the rite, but still hearing him confirm that after Raphael left, "I am just saying, let's be smart about this", made Livia want to smack him across the head. Couldn't kiss or feed him that night, disbelieving his stupidity. This rite was a scam from far away, even without additional knowledge it was just so obvious to her, because she felt in herself she used to make people fall for shit like this all the time, lesser scope, same design… And he, a rogue, couldn't see it?
No matter. Ketheric was killable now. Livia couldn't wait. What he spoke to her, the way he spoke to her in his throne room, pissed her off. Even if she no longer wanted to be evil in her old ways, this was an old disrespectful fuck, and he had to go.
Livia was so furious with Ana at the overall complication of things, on even now, when stakes are so high, insisting on saving the fucking tieflings, fucking Wulbren, making a point to kill the torturers and the folk that guarded prison… They helped the tieflings and gnomes escape on a boat, and then went back to finish the job. Ana insisted they kill everyone alone, without involving the Harpers, because this way less Harpers die, and Livia just rolled her eyes, and she knew the vampire would've felt the same, if he was allowed to participate in the discussion. But alas, Ana remained hidden.
Just like Livia argued that Grymforge and helping the fucking gnomes is unnecessary, while Ana made a point to fight in a way that minimized the casualties, they managed to save almost all the slaves. She insisted on rescuing Nere only to save the single slave who still survived with him, and then they killed him, after rescuing the fucking slaves. Fucking bleeding heart, seriously.
She let herself go when fighting duergar, Livia allowed her to lead and the girl wasn't a bad fighter, she was a type who didn't fuck around and just went for throat slitting, without commentary or grandstanding. Enjoyed a job well done without sadism, went straight for quickest kills. They gave the adamantine armor to Lae'zel. Even fucking rothé, when they attacked and had to be killed, the girl hated the whole thing with her entire heart.
Livia also noticed she positioned themselves and Karlach first, so they took the brunt of the fighting, Lae'zel next, Shadowheart, and only then Wyll, Gale and Astarion last. But she didn't underuse the vampire, didn't protect him, she just very pragmatically assessed what everyone was best at, and did her best to limit everyone's exposure to being wounded and killed, except when it came to themselves. If someone else other than them died, her mood soured instantly. But she and Livia, in her opinion, could die all the time. She wept over dead bodies of gnome slaves and made a point to pick them up to their camp. She literally just shrugged and took over, when Livia rolled her eyes, and started digging the graves. After a while, Astarion joined her, then Halsin and Wyll, Lae'zel and Karlach showed up when their help just wasn't necessary, they did dig almost 14 graves for slaves the duergar were kicking into the river. She did the whole thing without a single word, the bodies were buried, and the thing was not mentioned again. Livia understood then, she will never be able to work around these instincts in the human and if she tried, Ana would eventually lose patience and take control from her for good.
They retrieved infernal iron for Karlach and Dammon fixed her, and Ana straight up took over as she went to Karlach to hug her tightly, held her truly, without any subterfuge, and Livia realized the girl was waiting for this moment all this time, patiently.
As the warmth of the hellion's body spread through the layers of skin and reached under it, Livia hugged Ana the same way.
She felt the human's surprise, but after a moment, the girl separated. Physically, she was holding on to Karlach with both arms.
Mentally, one arm was pushing Karlach to her body, and the other arm was pulling Livia against her, holding her hard.