The sound of metal grinding against metal stirred Subaru from his half-lucid haze. Subaru's body hung limply, suspended by chains buried deep in his wrist. His raw flesh was inflamed, pulsating with pain at every breath and heartbeat. His hair was a mangled, long mess, its color, a mixture of ivory and charcoal.

Eyes shutting firmly, he tried in vain to seek refuge in his dreams.

Water accumulated on the ceiling, the droplets impacting stone at irregular intervals, their loud bangs echoing across the otherwise quiet cell. Every drip was a canon ball that sent shockwaves through his brain, an insatiable tremble.

The ever-present drowsiness clouded his thoughts trying to consume him, each attempt as futile as the last. His mind longed for the sweet embrace of emptiness, yet his body instinctively refused rest. He was surrounded by danger, every second of sleep was a gamble. In body and soul, he was surrounded by ferocious mabeast ready to attack at the subtlest signs of weakness.

Amid his suffering, a sudden thud grabbed Subaru's attention. Then the sound of footsteps, soft, deliberate. Not the arrogant clack of Felix's heels, nor the thunder of armored guards. These were quieter, hesitant.

His hung head rose with difficulty, terrified of what was to come. The sight of a silhouette caused adrenaline to spread through his body, instantly shaking off any tiredness. More sweat accumulated on his forehead, from both fear and humidity.

Julius stood outside the iron bars, bathed in the dim glow of flickering spirits. His pristine uniform was still immaculate, a sword rested at his hip. He indeed was the very essence of a knight, but something in his stance was wrong. His shoulders were stiff, fingers curled so tightly at his sides that his knuckles had gone white under the gloves. His violet eyes, usually so composed–so cold, were now clouded with something foreign.

Regret

Julius eyes moistened with tears, the saltiness irritating his sclera. Blood flowed, inflating his vessels, redning his eyes bloodshot. His forehead wrinkled as he grimaced at Subaru's state. With hesitation, he swallowed spit, his mouth quivering before he spoke.

"Subaru…" The way Julius spoke his name wasn't like the other times. It wasn't filled with mockery, nor was it indifferent. It was quiet. Almost… pained.

However, the most surprising thing of all was that he was referred to as Subaru. Not Pride, but Subaru. How long had it been since someone called him by his name? How long had it been since he referred to himself with that name?

Inside Subaru's chest, a candle was lit. A small but significant fire he hadn't felt in ages. It was hope.

Subaru's breath caught in his throat.

"You… remember me?" The question left his lips before he could stop it, so frail and desperate it made his chest ache.

Julius inhaled sharply, a flicker of guilt, and hesitation crossed his features. "Yes," he admitted. His voice was strained, hands twitching as though they longed to reach out. "I'm so sorry Subaru, I–I have made a grave mistake."

His mind latched onto those words like a dying man clinging to his last breath. He was remembered? Was this nightmare finally over?

Tears flowed down his cheek, clear and imperceptible as they mixed with sweat. His emotions had awakened, and with them, a thought crept its way into his mind.

Could he forgive them? He had gone through so much in this cell. No apology nor tears would ever be enough to erase what he experienced. It would be something that would stick with him for the rest of his life. But–

Time is enough to heal all wounds, one day, he would be able to forgive. For now, he just wanted to see everyone. Get healed one step at a time.

"Then fix it," Subaru begged, his voice breaking. "Please, Julius… get me out of here. I… I just want to go home"

Julius exhaled sharply, his gaze dropping to the chains that suspended Subaru like a broken marionette. His fingers hovered over the cuffs, hesitating, uncertain.

Then, he gripped them.

Metal clinked, shifting under his grasp. Subaru's breath hitched from the pressure, his heart hammering in his ribs. This was real. This was happening.

The chains groaned as they fell. Subaru collapsed to his knees, unable to keep himself upright. He choked on the sudden freedom, the return of sensation to his limbs felt to him like pins and needles dipped in fire.

Julius stepped closer, pulling something from his coat. A folded piece of fabric, plain and clean. A cloak.

"You should cover yourself," Julius said, averting from Subaru's gaze. "You must be cold."

Subaru blinked, his exhausted mind struggling to process the meaning behind the gesture. Then, it hit him–

He was naked.

His face burned. Humiliation crashed over him like a tidal wave, as if his body had just remembered it was capable of shame. So much time had passed since he wore anything besides metal. Clothing had become a foreign concept, only 'food' mattered, and anything else didn't qualify as a necessity.

Subaru curled in on himself instinctively, limbs too weak to properly shield anything. What would Emilia think if she saw him like this?

He really was hopeless.

Julius lowered his stance, cloak in hand, to cover the naked body before him. The cloak dropped on top of Subaru's back, still unarranged.

Julius turned his head away slightly, not paying attention to the mean-eyed youth, as if giving him a moment of dignity.

Subaru's hands reached for the coat. His movements were stiff, clumsy, but he wrapped it around himself as best as he could. The fabric felt rough against his skin as it clung to his body with an almost suffocating tightness. It felt wrong, a foreign presence that was always there, like ants moving on his body, never to be ignored by his brain.

Subaru pressed against the stone floor with all his strength, clenching his teeth from the effort. His skinny arms quivered and contracted. Pain shot through his nerves, and muscles gave out collapsing at the weight of his own body.

Julius kneeled next to Subaru, graceful hands moving across his body, pulling his entire weight as he stood up.

In pure instinct, Subaru trembled at Julius' touch. It was irrational, but deep within, he feared being hurt by those hands again.

Then he noticed, he was hovering over the air–no he was being princess carried by Julius.

"D-don't just—say something before you do that, damn it! And put me down!" Subaru yelled quietly in indignation, regaining his lively nature as if only for that moment.

Julius blinked at him, caught off guard. Then, as if the sheer ridiculousness of the moment had finally broken through the unbearable weight of everything else, his lips curled into something fragile. A small, exhausted smile.

"I'll keep that in mind."

The corridors were deathly silent as they moved, the spirits being the only light source. Julius supported Subaru as best as he could, his movements careful, though urgency weighed in his every step.

Subaru's bare feet met cold stone, sending sharp jolts through his half-numb limbs. He shivered despite the coat wrapped around him. His legs started to regain feeling, only to be met with a burning sensation at every step. But he withstood it without so much as a whimper, there was no way in hell he would let the Bastard Julius carry him.

How long had it been since he walked? Since he traveled this far?

Excitement began to radiate from Subaru. The stone walls, a sight as fresh as a recently picked appa. His leg movements, the first steps of a newborn. Everything seemed brand new through the Subaru tinted lenses.

Time passed as Julius guided a clueless Subaru through the corridors.

"Hey Julius, how much longer do we have to walk?" Subaru used a sudden moment of confidence to ask, confusion plaguing his face.

"We are almost there" Julius responded with a finger pointed ahead.

As they neared, a new light shot through Subaru's eye. Several silhouettes waited patiently for their arrival. Upon closer inspection, Subaru realized they were knights. Fear shot through his spine, before lessening. He had Julius with him now, they couldn't hurt him–

A force pushed at his side, sending him stumbling just in front of the knights.

Subaru lay there shocked, his head looking back when he regained composure. As he locked eyes with Julius he stayed stunned in place. There stood, the same Julius who had tortured him back in that cell. The guilt in his eyes was replaced with cold indifference, maybe even disdain if one looked hard enough.

"J-Julius Why?" The small flame in Subaru's chest began to waver against cold winds

"I just did what I was asked to. But I must admit, you are a better actor than they give you credit for Pride. Did you really think the knights would fall for your outrageous lies?," Julis clenched his teeth, face taking the form of a scowl "Just give up playing around and tell us everything about the cult. The faster you let go of your Pride and submit the better,"

Each word, was a stab that eroded Subaru's hope.

Julius started walking forward, sidestepping Subaru before glancing at him "Hopefully whatever they have planned will help you realize that"

The Breeze from Julius' steps, was the last straw that extinguished the fragile flame, leaving only charcoal behind.

And with that, Julius was gone. His ticket home was gone. His only shot at life was gone.

Subaru's limbs refused to move, not like he could move them anyway. His knees scraped against the stone, skin was torn at the slighted movement, but he could barely register the pain. His breath hitched. He looked at the knights in front of him, their faces a blank canvas, he didn't dare to even look.

He then looked at where Julius had once stood, gone, like it was all a dream and he had just woken up to reality. The last warmth of the cloak on his shoulders felt wrong now. It burned, not with comfort, but with shame. He shrugged it off, letting it fall to the floor like his discarded dreams.

Now he was naked again, in both body and soul.

Two of the knights stepped forward, their both clattering against the floor, a systemic rythym, a countdown to his next nightmare.

For a moment, Subaru thought of Emilia's smile. Of Beatrice's warm hugs as she comforted him to sleep. He didn't even know if their faces were real anymore. Maybe they had always been part of this dream. Maybe there was no home to return to. Just a stone cell, metal chains, and fire.

The steps stopped. One of the knights reached out, grabbing Subaru's right arm. The grip was strong, their fingers dug into Subaru's raw skin, sending fresh waves of pain through his limbs, it reminded him of his shackles. The other knight mirrored the first, his fingers taking Subaru's left arm hostage.

He became weightless as they dragged him like a sack of potatoes. They didn't even speak to him, but he could of sworn he heard several snickers.

An iron door loomed ahead, the handle opening from the inside with a clack. It slowly opened, revealing his next punishment. The room was more polished than his cell, the stone floor was smoother and it was brightly lit, the light flickering from magic lamps at the corners of the room. But the most surprising thing was not an inanimate object, instead, there was a crowd of men filling up most of the room. Subaru's mind was too foggy to count an exact number.

His bare feet slid on the stone as they dragged him further into the room. When fully inside, the door slammed shut behind them, and Subaru flinched at the sound. His heart skipped a beat from horrific anticipation.

"Ahh so this is the infamous Archbishop of Pride," Said one scruffy-looking man.

"He has some nasty eyes and some gross scars, but…" Another man spoke as he looked at Subaru with a predatory gaze "He does have a nice feminine build, and that long hair suits him"

"I can't wait to see how far I can take it before his pride breaks," A lanky man said with a smile

"Are you sure we can do whatever we want with him?" A bearded man asked one of the knights

There was a soft chuckle from the knight, a low, mocking sound that sent a chill down Subaru's spine.

"Go ahead"

One of the knights pushed Subaru forward, forcing him to fall to his knees in the middle of the room. He barely had the strength to keep his head from hitting the floor. His arms trembled beneath him, the raw flesh from his chains still stinging with every movement.

He managed to pull his head up, only to let a gasp at what he saw. The men began to take their clothes off. At different speeds, their fabrics fell down, leaving them as naked as Subaru. His mind became clear, if only for a moment, and he began to put the puzzle pieces together.

One of the men made their way towards Subaru at a steady pace. Terror filled Subaru with every step, he had to get out of there. His body attempted and attempted in vain to move, his muscles ached, his liver burned, and his vessels contracted. The weight of fear was as heavy as his body.

Then, a purple hand moved like a phantom, striking the nearest man in the chest. It pierced through bone and muscle, making it to the other side. Crimson spilled across the floor, splashing into the others, tainting clothes, and filling everything with the scent of iron.

The hand dissipated into the air quicker than it appeared. The blood that clung to it started falling at the same time as the corpse landed on top of Subaru.

For a moment everyone stood still, an awkward silence weighing down the atmosphere, then–

"Goa"

A fireball engulfed Subaru's head in pure agony. The oxygen around him fed the hellish beast, a beast of such gluttony that no air was left for Subaru. His first instinct was to gasp, fire entering his lungs, cooking him from inside out.

Subaru couldn't hear any sounds, he couldn't see any sights, all he could do was feel. Feel forces striking his body, dismembering it. Flesh was torn, bones shattered, organs fell, and blood pooled.

His chest rose and fell with ferocity, giving him shallow gulps of oxygen. He had returned by death. The man was still nearing, and there was nothing he could do. Showing any signs of his authority meant instant death. All he could do, the same as he always did, go through the punishment to live another day.

"Hahah! Tired already?" The bearded man mocked with a devilish grin "But we haven't even started yet"

The men surrounded him like a flock, hands grasping his body in a tight embrace. His eyes flickered with fear and disgust.

A thick rod made its way through a dark tunnel, stretching flesh past its limit, ripping it apart. Subaru groaned in pain, his face scrunching into a scowl. Blood started to pile on the floor, offering lubrication for the flesh.

Subaru's hair was pulled with great force, ripping some strands off his head. His sudden scream was quickly blocked by another rod.

Time passed. Different fluids started to mix and dry. Foreign sweat accumulated on top of his body, the men's heat transferring to him as if they were penguins. Insults kept leaving their mouths, carrying a spite similar to Felix's. Blunt blows impacted his frail body at random intervals, the inflictors switching from time to time, taking turns to not tire themselves out.

'This was all just a dream' Subaru thought

Just a dream

Subaru's body was limp, his muscles too weak to fight, too drained to even make a token effort to escape. His back scraped against the stone floor, the rough surface scraping skin and sending raw pain through his battered body. The chain, tied to his collar, clinked sharply with each movement. All of this was just a constant reminder of his helplessness.

He could barely feel his legs anymore. His arms lay limply by his sides, useless to him, scraped raw from dragging across the floor as well.

The knights tugged on the chain with little regard for his well-being, pulling him along the floor as if he were little more than an animal. None dared touch his disgusting pitiful body. Sweat and fluid clung to him like a curse, a lingering reminder of what he had just experienced. The stickiness made him feel disgusted with himself.

They had planned this, hadn't they? That is why Felix had given him a 'shower' sometime prior.

But, at this moment, he would give anything to take that shower. To have it burn all his sins right off his skin, even if it meant completely melting it away. To regain the purity he always reserved for the one he loved. To not have those disgusting thoughts plaguing his mind.

Deep inside he enjoyed it, even if just a bit. To have someone want–no, desire him, it was something he hadn't felt in so long. He hadn't been useful to anyone since he got on this cell, he didn't give them any important information nor did he save anyone. So, for the longest time, he was finally useful to someone.

Disgusting

The ever-present itch on his wrist intensified, spreading through his entire body like a parasite. His skin was leather, a rotten rug that had to be thrown away. It wasn't his skin, it was someone else's. His face wasn't his, it was someone else's. His limbs weren't his, they were someone else's.

His body wasn't his anymore, it was taken over by others, perhaps, even his soul was tainted by them. This was just antoher moment tainted by his memories. It was just like his first kiss, the kiss Emilia had forced upon him seconds before his death.

Disgusting

How could he have trusted Julius so easily? Well, he had always given his trust away so easily, even to those who hurt him. His trust was just as cheap and fake as plastic, an easy hooker that would always give others what they wanted. Now that is what he was. A cheap hooker in both body and mind, a piece of meat being dragged by fate.

Disgusting

Natsuki Subaru

You Really Are

Disgusting