Notes from the Mooooooooooooon,

The Parental Visit arc reaches the climax! The past eight chapters have been building up to what happens here. Of course I won't tell what happens. On a more somber note; School ends in a week for me, and then I travel. This may be the last chapter for upwards of a week or two as I travel to the west coast. This goes for Total Drama, the 5th Generation as well. Once I get home though I'll have that writing time back on my hands. My goal is to finish this arc by the end of the month, but I don't know how possible that goal is. Regardless, if the story isn't updated for a few weeks don't worry about it being abandoned!

Now for review responses!

ImHereToKillChaos: The Bromanship between Cody, Harold, and Noah is something I really want to focus on. Right now I haven't focused on Harold as much but he'll get his time to shine soon. Noah is getting a bit more time in the spotlight with these chapters.

A reminder to please take the time to read Total Drama: The 5th Generation if you have the time! It's another story I have a lot of passion for and if you like my writing style, you'll enjoy it as well! Finally, I am STILL looking for a potential beta reader btw.

Without further ado,

Just A Spare

A nice book, some coffee, and the morning sunlight was one of the few things Noah could justify waking up before nine o'clock am for. During the weekends when he wasn't sleeping around his classes, he made time in the mornings for some peaceful reading; something that wasn't quite possible after Cody and Harold woke up bright and early around eleven am. Harold in particular liked to sing in the shower. He'd learned to tune it out somewhat, but whenever Harold would try to hit a high note, the shrill sound would ring in his ears and completely break his focus. Today though, he didn't have a book with him. Instead, his laptop was open, a blank word document staring at him. Ideas were cheap and aplenty. Anyone could pitch a cool idea; but few could bring it to reality. Noah let his fingers graze over the keyboard, the first words almost coming out. One sentence is all it would take to get the ball rolling. Even a singular word would feel better then the blank white void in front of him.

Write what you know. It was an often-parroted bit of advice, yet it felt so hollow once in front of the screen. Any idea he came up with felt too close to the classics; nothing original or derivative. He took an aggressive gulp of coffee, hoping it brought something, anything original to the forefront. Nothing came. No epics came to mind; no masterpiece danced on the tips of his fingers. He sat alone at the table with nothing but a heap of frustration.

Fuck it.

He started typing. Not about some fictional characters and made-up worlds, but about the life he'd come from. The parents that gave him so much shit; the brothers who couldn't stop flexing their doctorates and law school degrees. How he was stuck in the middle of all their bullshit. He typed relentlessly, without a care for a cohesive narrative. Just a flow of loose memories, the experiences listed one by one. Between paragraphs he took sips of coffee, before focusing on the next passage. With each sentence a vision started to form, and a character started to come into realization. It felt like him, yet not quite the same. An entire cast of characters, and the daily struggles he faced quickly filled in. Comedic, witty, and detached; that was the voice that flowed from his fingers to the screen.

It was nothing short of liberating. Putting something, anything onto that blank word document would have been enough. Yet instead he found himself filling up page after page, word after word flowing so naturally. Eventually he reached the bottom of his cup, yet he didn't feel the need for more. He had his fire lit.

When Noah had finally backed away from his laptop, Harold had hit his first high note of the morning. Yet Noah couldn't help but grin. He'd typed out a small chapter. It was rough, uneven, and didn't flow well, but it was a start. It was his start.

Noah didn't care; today he would tell his parents exactly who he was.

Sammy checked the building address, making certain she had the right complex before pressing the button to be buzzed in. The doors opened, and Sammy entered the elevator. She pressed the button for the fifth floor, and stood back, twiddling her fingers together. You're just going over a guy's place. Alone. Just the two of you. A knot formed in her chest. Not necessarily one of anxiety, yet it made her heart beat a little faster. She couldn't help but wonder the possible outcomes. They were both college students after all. Two friends getting frisky wasn't unheard of; Bridgette had many stories of how wild others would get at Geoff's parties. Though Sammy wasn't quite sure the outcome of those stories was what she wanted. The elevator beeped, and the doors slid open. She walked into the hall, looking for room 507. As Sammy approached, she could hear the shrill cries of a vacuum from behind the door. Sammy raised her hand, and wrapped it three times against the door. The vacuum whirred to a stop, and loud, hasty footsteps approached. The door swung open, and Cody looked up at her with a nervous, toothy grin. He seemed a bit more dressed up than normal, though only just a bit. He had a tan, button down shirt instead of a polo, and his hair seemed a tad neater. Though, Sammy could say the same about her outfit underneath her coat; a cute green sweater and plaid skirt with black leggings underneath. It made her feel cozy, but she didn't dress up so much on the weekends usually.

"Hey Sammy." Cody's eyes darted to the side, and then back to her. Sammy watched as he looked up and down, taking her in. "Come on in." He said, stepping out of the doorway and pulled off her black, heeled boots. The pungent odor of a male dorm never hit her. She peered around as she followed Cody to the couch. It seemed pretty in order, at least, right now it did. The vacuum sat in the middle of the floor, still plugged in. Sammy stifled a laugh as they sat down on the couch. Cody shuffled his hands around. Sammy could see a certain uncertainty. She pulled off her red scarf and let her coat fall off her shoulders.

"So, you invite a girl over to your place alone hm?" Sammy teased, causing Cody to seize up. He was cute when he was nervous. She leaned forward, looking up at him. Cody instinctually started to back away. He stopped, and leaned towards her.

"Does that bother you?" Cody asked, barely maintaining eye contact. Sammy shook her head.

"No, was just curious." She tittered, leaning back. It genuinely didn't bother her, at least she didn't feel bothered.

"It's just that neither of us are going to be doing much this weekend, so why not just hang out while we do nothing important, you know." Cody ran his hand behind his head. "But if you want to do something else we can always head out and-"

"Nah I'm fine with this." Sammy said, putting her feet up on the coffee table. "I'm fine with just spending some time together." She put her head back, closing her eyes for a moment, and opening them again. "It beats sitting around alone all day."

"Both your roommates also busy?" Cody asked, flipping on the TV.

"Yeah, Parent's Weekend and all that. Yours also busy?"

Cody nodded. "I hung out with Harold's parents yesterday though. We went paintballing." He said. Sammy watched as Cody flipped through various apps on the TV. "It's a fun game. Video games are fun, but that feeling of putting your body into it, and firing the paintball gun yourself beats any game." He made a firing motion with his hands, like the blaster was still in his hands.

"I see." Sammy didn't quite get the game metaphor, but she could understand enjoying the physical action itself. She'd done dance, cheer, and gymnastics, and the physical feeling of each was distinct, and satisfying. At least, when she wasn't around. Sammy braced for a harsh, chastising inner though, but it didn't come. It held off, at least for now. It didn't stop her from bracing for the impact.

"So, what's it like being an education major?" Cody sat back, grinning at Sammy. She realized just how tense her body had become. She met his smile with her own, and let herself melt into the couch.

"Well, it's broken up into two parts. Child development, and curriculum assessment." She raised two fingers. "Child development focuses on how the kids interact with the world and the developmental stages we are a part of. It's the psychological side of the major. The other side, the curriculum assessment focuses on the stuff we learned in school, and how those concepts can be presented to kids who don't understand those concepts yet. Then eventually we'll get to student teaching and at that point I'm just paying to work." Sammy said, a giggle escaping her lips as she said the last part. "I imagine your math stuff is a lot more complicated."

"Numbers are always right or wrong." Cody shook his head, but his smile remained. "It's complicated, but it's objective. Numbers don't inherently have morals to them. Being good at math doesn't require making hard choices." Sammy tilted her head questioningly. "Your teaching is probably full of open-ended questions. Problems that can't just be solved by plugging in the right equation. I'd say teachers deserve just as much respect as any software dev."

Sammy raised an eyebrow at Cody. "How very un tech bro of you."

It was Cody's turn to laugh. "Yeah, I guess I'm not beating the 'Looks like a tech bro' allegations anytime soon." He shook his head. "I just like numbers and C++. They make sense to me, I guess." They sat in a comfortable silence as Cody selected a comedy to watch. It wasn't anything particularly engaging. Sammy had seen this particular show before, but it was good to pass the time.

"You want something to drink?" Cody asked, getting up from the couch.

"Water is fine." Sammy needed to watch her weight after their excursion on Friday. She was thin, but she didn't want to lose that, no matter how good a sugary drink sounded.

I mean, you do need to lose some weight you fat cow.

Sammy clenched her jaw. It wasn't real. She wasn't here. She was across the country, partying at her college while studying God knows what. It didn't matter what she was doing. She wasn't here. She can't hurt you. Cody returned with water in one hand, an ice tea in the other, and a bad of chips dangling from his fingertips. They were barbeque flavored. He placed the water next to her, and took his place back on the other end of the couch, the large bag of chips placed between them on the coffee table. Sammy stared at the TV absentmindedly. Yet she felt that ever present chill around her neck. It wasn't quite gripping at her throat like at the movie theatre, but it hovered around her nonetheless. She tried to ignore the sensation, the anxiety. It only made it worse.

The cold grip faltered, and started to fade; yet it lingered all the same, not content with just interrupting.

"Everything okay?" Cody asked. His face was much closer than before. She froze for a moment, and realized she had inched her way over to him, and put herself shoulder to shoulder with him, trapping Cody between herself and the arm of the couch.

"Sorry, do you want me to move back?" Sammy looked towards the other arm of the couch she'd abandoned. Though it wasn't a conscious decision, she had to say she liked the feeling of sitting closer. Not that it has anything to do with Cody in particular. She reasoned unconvincingly.

Cody shook his head. "No, it's okay! You can sit as close as you'd like." He smiled unnaturally; his cheeks tinted pink. "The Codemiester can never say no to a lady y'know" He laughed, his voice tapering off. Sammy leaned against him slightly, causing the pink to spread. Teasing Cody a small bit always brought her a small satisfaction, yet this made the ball of anticipation in her chest grow. Yet it also had a new, eager feeling to it. No longer just asking 'what if?'

Sammy lowered her head, nestling herself between his shoulder and his neck while they watched the show. She didn't look up to see his reaction. He felt warm, soft almost. She didn't focus on the show. Rather, the gentle rise and fall of his breath through the way his shoulder's moved. No words were said. Sammy felt her body becoming heavy. She quietly adjusted herself, pull her legs close while settling into him. It wasn't late in the day; barely afternoon, but Sammy could imagine herself curled up in a ball next to Cody for a while. It drove off that cold feeling. Cody shuffled around her, his cheek pressing gently against the top of her head. A soft warmth encased her, and the tips of Cody's fingers grazed the top of her right hand. He didn't lower his palm, practically hovering above her. Sammy smiled, and pressed her lips together. Just this made her entire body tingle. After all this, he's still hesitating? Though she couldn't quite talk. After all, she could just as easily turn her hand and grasp his.

You really are desperate, aren't you? You want someone to give a shit about you so badly you'll settle for anyone. Just like how he's just settling for you.

Sammy's hand shook. She wondered if Cody could feel the trembling of her hand. She pressed herself closer to Cody, leeching at his warmth. She bit her lip, a pang of guilt hitting her chest. Sammy couldn't tell if she actually liked him. He was comforting to be around. The way his body heat drove of the cold grip around her neck. Perhaps it could have been anyone she curled up against. He deserves better than me. Sammy thought about pulling away.

Cody laced his fingers through hers, a soft grip intertwining their hands. Sammy remained still; his hands were just a tiny bit larger than hers. The guilt remained, yet her body felt lighter. She didn't need to know just yet. This warm feeling. It's enough right now. Sammy took her fingers out from his, and turned her hand up. Her palm brushing against Cody's. She ran her fingers through his. They stayed like that, hand in hand, while the TV played on to an audience no longer concerned with it. Sammy lowered her eyelids; it'd been a long week. Between classes and the texts from her family, she couldn't help but want to rest. Sammy was content to just remain locked next to Cody and drift off. The TV suddenly quieted, and the light that poked through her eyelids disappeared. She opened her eyes. The lights had turned off, and the only light in the room poked out of the corners of the curtains behind them. She felt Cody get up, releasing her hand. Sammy held on, her fingers lingering with his for a moment before she felt them slip away. Her eyes started adjusting, and she could just barely make out the outline of Cody against the darkness.

"I need to grab my phone." Cody said. "I'll see what's happening." Sammy reached for her coat on the other side of the couch. Cody took a confident step through the darkness. Shock replaced his confidence, and he fell forward. Right above Sammy. She backed up into the arm of the couch, her back pressed against the stiff leather. They both yelped as he crashed, breaking his fall on top of her. Cody's hands and knees fell directly to the sides of Sammy, trapping her beneath him. What caught her eye however, was just how close Cody's face was. Neither party moved. Sammy could make out the contour of Cody's face in the darkness. She could feel his slow, shallow breaths on her face; it smelled of a cool mint flavor, like on gum. He didn't move. Not towards her, nor away. Though the same could've been said about Sammy. She could have pushed Cody away or told him to get off her. Instead, Sammy stayed still looking up, searching. Eventually, she found Cody's eyes.

His pupils were shaking.

She couldn't tell if it was fear, or perhaps anticipation. They stayed completely still, neither moving their eyes. All the while, her mind raced. Sammy wasn't sure herself what she was expecting, or even, what she wanted. Sammy wasn't sure what Cody liked about her. She wasn't quite sure what she'd come to like about him. Nor did she have time to figure it out. She could hear her heart pound in her ears. Sammy wasn't prepared for any of the possible outcomes, yet anticipated them all. She wondered what Cody saw, what he was thinking.

Sammy decided not to move.

Cody shuffled his knees, evening out above her. Sammy's breathing got faster, but she didn't stop him. She shifted herself, giving him more room. Cody's eyes started to relax, still focused on her. Only a freak could like someone like you, spoke a harsh voice. It sounded exactly like hers. Except it dripped with superiority, devoid of any meekness. She focused on Cody, and tried to blot out the voice. His uncertain eyes had gained a certain boldness to them. She focused solely on him, not on the rising pace of her breath, or the heat building up in her chest. Do I deserve this?

You just take up space. Everything people like about you is just a worse version of me.

Sammy forced her hands in front of her face. "Stop," She barely managed to breath before dread and guilt cascaded around her, encasing her and cutting her off from the apartment, from the air around her. She inhaled and exhaled, but it didn't seem to reach her. She pressed her eyelids together, pulling her brow together. Her teeth clenched hard enough to shatter.

You are just a spare. Blood pounded in her ears. Her entire body hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt.

Sammy's throat seized up. Her head echoed with a shrill ringing, threatening to split in two. Hot tears seared at her cheeks, leaving behind burns. Her chest thumped painfully, and her throat became dry. She pleaded for the voices to cease. They kept yelling, each one drowning out her desperate cries. Sammy's body burned, and she choked on her breath; Sammy went blank. The world went blank. Her entire world went black. Nothing but her, and Amy.

Leave me alone!

No.

Leave me alone!

Why should I? I can't let you forget where you stand.

Leave me alone!

Never.

As quickly as it grabbed hold of her, it released her. Air returned to her lungs, and could begin to feel the world around her again. Her body shook. Sammy slowly pulled herself up, fighting against the rest of the dark apartment spinning around her. Cody sat next to her; his hands placed square in his lap. She leaned against him for balance. She noticed the lights had come back on, and the TV sat idle on the menu. They sat in silence for a while. Sammy wasn't sure how long. It felt like both an eternity, and an instant. The beating of her heart subsided, and her breaths became shallower, and more regular. "I think I'm okay now."

Cody turned back towards Sammy. Through her trembling vision, she could see the guilt weighing over him. "I'm really sorry, I was being stupid and-" He cut himself off and closed his eyes for a moment. He looked back at her, his eyes wide and his brow pulled together. "Are you okay?" Cody simply asked. Such a simple question with no easy answer.

Sammy shook her head, unable to respond for a moment as she let the beating of her art come to a still. "I don't- No, it's… I'm okay." Sammy stammered. She wasn't quite sure what 'it' referred to. Was it okay that he fell? Or was it okay for him to be so close to her, even if just by accident. Sammy couldn't be completely sure, but she knew she wasn't upset. Well, at least at Cody. "I wasn't you I just…" Her voice tapered off.

"Listen I didn't mean to-"

"You didn't do anything. It's just family stuff" Sammy cut him off, feeling almost irritable. She hid her trembling hands in her pockets. "This just happens sometimes. I'm sorry if I scared you." Sammy focused on her breathing. She stared at a random chair while she took slow, even breaths. "I need to go home. I'm really sorry." Sammy avoided Cody's eyes, turning towards the door. It's not fair for him to have to deal with me. She bit her lip.

Cody didn't respond immediately. "Do you want me to walk you back?"

"No. Sorry." Sammy shook her head. It was a pointless lie. Sammy knew she could ask him to let her stay for a while. All she needed to do was ask, and he would stay with her. She opened the door. "I think I need some space to clear my head. I promise I'll text you later. Seriously. But I need to go." She said, closing the door behind her. When she stepped into the hall, Sammy felt like she could breathe again. Her heart slowed, and her body cooled off. She felt a heavy pit of guilt, and recalled her therapist's advice. It's not your fault Sammy. It's not your fault. It didn't help.

It's always your fault Samey.

She didn't try to refute the identical voice as she stepped into the elevator. A voice that sounded so close to hers but held so much contempt, so much hatred. The elevator beeped, and the doors opened. A voice that had chosen her identity for so long. A voice she'd finally thought she was free of. Yet it came back all the same to remind her who she was. A voice that was connected to her at the very core of her own DNA. A curse that she couldn't escape even when looking in the mirror.

Samey walked out the complex, and into the crisp, chilly fall air.

You thought I would let them be happy? In chapter 9? Nah man I've got quite a lot more to go. This chapter was more intense than I planned it to be. Sammy is a character that's been through a lot and having her be some nice, pretty girl with no issues simply felt like a cop out. Much of this was alluded to in chapter 4 during the cheer practice, and then chapter 7 at the movie theatre. Her distancing from others, and her slight paranoia when being around the rest of the team. Writing her mental health is a difficult balance, and it's something I want to get right because I want to fully realize this character. This was my first time writing a panic attack. It felt right for her character. Originally it wasn't there. Noah was just going to walk in and interrupt them, but it didn't feel right. I wanted something that made Sammy have more development. Ultimately, this is what came of it.

Till next time,

An Anonymous Winton