With her feelings tucked away into a cage inside her chest, the days became much easier. No longer did grief overtake her, but neither did the feelings of rage. While the desire for revenge lingered, she didn't feel the need to risk her life confronting Klaus. Being without humanity was a strange existence, but she had to admit that it made everything much easier. The weight of all that had happened did not weigh her down, did not make her wish to waste away in bed. In fact, she was able to go to class, work on assignments, and go about her life, almost as if nothing bad had happened at all. Quite a sorry sight for those looking in, but she barely noticed how dramatic the shift had been.
While she didn't think about her grief, didn't mourn the loss of her brother, she also failed to identify the issue with shoving all of those feelings into a box, and in the days following her decision, she'd often glanced up to see Caroline and Damon looking at her oddly. But wasn't this what they'd wanted for her? For her to be happy, carefree? Damon shouldn't have told her if he hadn't really wanted her to use the lovely little tool to its advantage, and if Caroline had really disliked the idea of her shutting everything off, she should have fought harder to stop it.
But no matter what they thought, Elena felt better. Some parts of her were missing, but that didn't matter, did it? When this state of being allowed her to actually exist without crippling sadness, without fear, and self-loathing? It was the right choice. She knew it, and no one else's opinion mattered.
Again, this drastic change in her life and personality separated her from Damon. It seemed they were incapable of having more than a few moments here and there before all things collapsed around them. A sign, maybe? That their relationship, or whatever it was they were doing, was not meant to last. That it perhaps didn't mean as much as she wished it to.
Elena's fangs elongated, piercing a blood bag as she stood in the kitchen of her small shared apartment. Damon had dropped off a whole load of them after they'd buried Jeremy and encouraged her to drink from them instead of humans. Apparently he believed that her blood lust wouldn't be able to handle blood straight from the source for a while. Though, it didn't stop her from being tempted.
"Hey," Caroline said, smoothing out her dress as she walked into the kitchen and took a seat at one of the high stools next to the counter. "Class today, right?" she asked.
Elena nodded. After a few days of rest and recovery, forced on her by her friends and not of her own volition, she would finally return to her studies. It felt incredibly strange to wear her brother's clothes once more, to hide her braids in his hat and bind her chest. If she hadn't decided not to feel the strongest emotions, then this probably would have cowed her all over again. See? She thought. Without this little change, I wouldn't have been able to go to class. Everything reinforced her decision.
"Yes. Hopefully, Dr. Bartlow hasn't kicked me out for all my absences," she pierced another blood bag and drained it completely. It didn't sate her hunger nearly enough as it should have. "But I guess I could just compel him to forgive me if that's the case."
Again, Caroline looked at her with a strange expression she couldn't quite place. "Are you sure you're okay?" the blonde asked. It must have been at least the fifth time she'd asked the same question in only a few days.
Tossing the empty blood bags into the trash, she walked around the kitchen island counter and smiled at her roommate. "I'm perfect," she said. "Honestly, I've never been better."
"You can't stay this way forever," Caroline said, not beating around the bush.
It soured Elena's mood and she rolled her eyes. Why couldn't she just be supportive? "You'd prefer that I continue sobbing on the floor? What good is that going to do me? What good would it do any of us?" She didn't snap, didn't raise her voice, just spoke evenly, with perhaps a tone of sass embedded in each of her words. "Besides, once I take out your ex-boyfriend, then we can all go back to normal."
Normal, however, seemed so far away. A lifetime so far in the distance she couldn't even see what it looked like anymore. In the last month, she'd died, she'd killed, she'd lost, and she'd shut down completely. Maybe normal wasn't even on the table anymore. Maybe things hadn't been normal since she'd gone to that very first Harmon's Great Minds meeting.
"Don't call him that," Caroline snapped.
"You did date, didn't you?" Elena asked, one brow raised.
"I mean, yes. But—"
"Okay, okay," Elena said, raising her hands up in defense. "I'll just stick to Klaus. Or evil bastard." A smile came across her lips as she realized exactly how she could win Caroline back over. "You know what we should do?" she asked, not waiting for a response. "We could go out tonight after I get out of class. I'm sure this town has some kind of dance hall or something. Me and you, what do you say?"
Caroline looked shocked, then pleased, then disappointed. "Maybe some other time."
Elena's face fell, but only for a second before she grabbed her bag off the counter, slipped a blood bag into it, and walked away. Caroline didn't say anything as she left.
For the first time in her academic career, Elena hardly paid attention as Dr. Bartlow droned on about one myth or another. Her entire life stretched out before her, centuries she could spend studying Greek or whatever subject she so desired. It hardly felt dire anymore. So, when Dr. Bartlow called on her to explain the subtext in the Odyssey and speak on how Homer's epic had shaped generations of text, she could only look at him for a long while. Homer had always been her favorite, but with her emotions shunted away into the dark corners of her subconscious, caring about the things that used to bring her joy seemed difficult, if not impossible.
"I'm sorry, what were you talking about?" she asked, lifting one hand and turning her palm toward the ceiling with a confused expression on her face. John chuckled loudly, not even attempting to hide his delight at her sudden disinterest, and Marcus looked put off. She couldn't see Damon's face, but she could feel his disappointment from across the room. Not that she particularly cared what he thought in this moment or any other. It'd been months of attempting to decipher his feelings, months of listening to him dictate what he thought best for her life. No longer.
It made no sense. Clearly, discussing Homer didn't take precedence over revenge. Getting an education didn't matter in the grand scheme of things anymore, either, really. Especially when she could just compel whoever she wanted. It opened a world of possibilities. She could get herself a job she didn't have the qualifications for, like most of the men in her field.
Dr. Bartlow moved on, ignoring this great change to his star student's personality, and the rest of class went on without a hitch—likely because he avoided calling on her again.
Unfortunately for Elena, when he dismissed the class and she moved to leave, he called her name. "Mr. Gilbert? A moment?" he said, one hand beckoning her over to his desk. She groaned. Had that been internal or external? She wasn't sure. Regardless, she turned on a swivel to face him.
Once he had her attention, he said, "Is everything alright?"
How to talk herself out of this one. Two obvious paths lay before her. The one where she explained the death of her brother, and the one where she continued to pretend nothing mattered. Because of her track record, she only shrugged. "Bad day, I suppose."
"Can I tell you something?" he asked.
Another shrug. "If you insist."
Did Damon wait right outside the doorway, listening to this very conversation? Nothing felt truly private anymore. If it had ever been.
Dr. Bartlow looked at her skeptically. Whether or not he saw something different in her, Elena couldn't tell. Was there anything different about her appearance as a vampire or the way she held herself while shutting out all the feelings that would otherwise attempt to pull her under?
"Elijah Mikaelson," he started, pausing as if to gauge her reaction, "is an old colleague of mine. Now, I'm not sure why exactly, I can't give you all the details, but he requested that this whole scavenger hunt be set up for the society."
"Why are you telling me this now?" she asked. It didn't matter anymore. So, Elijah had masterminded the hunt she and Damon had engaged in. If this information had come about months ago, it would have delighted her. Another puzzle piece slotted in when she'd needed it most. Now it just added to a stack of information she didn't care to sort through.
"He knew about you, Elena. About you joining the program. It was meant to lure you without suspicion."
"Okay," she said. Again, this felt like old news. Klaus had already killed her. The damage was already done.
"He was attempting to protect you, though Mr. Salvatore never quite saw it that way. Anyway, now that the cards have been played, Miss Gilbert, he asked that I extend another invitation. He requests your presence at tonight's meeting. I think there is more the two of you could discuss."
Apparently, no one in this town existed outside of Klaus' circle, outside of the scheme he'd built and his brother attempted to destroy. Had anything she'd accomplished ever been because of her own intelligence, her own drive?
"You said that you were truly wowed by my application, that I was admitted to Harmon because of my intelligence alone." She narrowed her eyes on the professor whose opinion she'd once cared for more than anything else. Now his praise felt hollow in comparison. "Was that true? Or was I always a part of some grand scheme?"
"Multiple things can be true at once, Miss Gilbert."
She scoffed in disgust. If she hadn't shut out her feelings, perhaps that revelation would have stung more. In fact, it would have crushed her. Instead, she only felt numb. Another disappointment to tuck away, ammunition to use against Klaus in the future. Perhaps his brother too, for drawing her into this mess in the first place.
"You chose to apply here, that much is true. Any connections made afterward were ones of coincidence alone."
"Well, thank you for filling me in," Elena said sharply. "If that's all?"
Dr. Bartlow nodded. "I do think you're a promising young woman, Miss Gilbert. Your intelligence will take you far, that much I'm certain."
But she'd already turned to leave, his words following her out of the classroom. Damon fell into step next to her as she walked toward the stairwell, not pausing to greet him in any capacity.
He didn't speak until they made it outside. "You're not going to that meeting."
She licked her lips. "I thought we were past this."
"I thought you were past making poor decisions, but here we are."
She stopped in her tracks, whirling on him fast. Fast enough that anyone could have seen her otherworldly speed. "Do you really want to do this right now?" she snapped, one more snide comment away from bearing her fangs at him and exposing herself in the middle of campus.
"No better time, nor place," he said, just as arrogant in his words as she was, just as ready to draw blood. Now that would certainly add some intrigue to her day, slipping her fangs into Salvatore's neck, drinking from him. The thoughts barreled forward in a way she could not give attention to at the moment.
Spending the night together had meant something at the time, but now that they were back at each other's throats, it was so easy to pretend it'd never happened at all. Maybe they were always destined to come back to this place, to bickering and fighting, a cycle of hatred and passion with no end.
"You do not get to make decisions for me," Elena snarled. "Not now, not ever."
"I am trying to keep you alive."
"So much good it did last time," she fired back.
He reared back and a look of utter disgust crossed his face, replaced only with one of sadness. She'd struck deep. "That's not fair," he said, less fight in his words than before. "I tried everything to keep you alive. Believe me."
"I do," she said simply. "But I also know it didn't matter in the end." She reached out to straighten his collar. He stood stone still under her ministrations. "And neither will this. I'm going."
"Elena," he said, eyes softening, trying to reach something in her chest long gone. "You're not this person."
"I am now." If everything in her life had been decided for her, she'd forge a new path forward in the fiery pit of her chest no matter what it took. And maybe going to this meeting, taking Dr. Bartlow's suggestion, it was just another step on that same path, but she couldn't help but give in to temptation, to the desire to see what else they had in store for her. And maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to enact her own revenge along the way. "Come with me," she said, finally. "If you're so concerned about my well-being."
"Elena," he tried again, saying her name with so much emotion it almost succeeded in cracking her open. But behind that stone wall she'd built with a flip of a switch, there was too much waiting to overflow. All the pain of losing Jeremy, all the distress at the loss of her own life, the grievances piled up and up and up. The damn did not break. She couldn't afford to drown now. Not when she had work to do.
"I can't," she said, shaking her head. "I can't. Please don't ask me to."
He sighed. "Fine. But you can't do this forever," he said, finding her eyes. "Trust me. I know."
Hadn't she just gotten this shame talk from Caroline less than a few hours ago? It was already tired. "We don't have time for a heartfelt motivation speech," she said, tilting her head toward a carriage that had pulled up at the edge of campus. "Now are you coming or not?"
A/N: Thanks for reading! Only 4 more chapters left!