The Pirate and The Sponge
Ah, Summer vacation under the sea. Here, we see an influx of fish visiting the lovely Goo Lagoon—creatures of every shape, size, and color. Look, a Lemon Shark is coming into the quiet beach town of Bikini Bottom.
The bus hummed with the cit-chat of the passengers; they were packed like sardines on the bench. One Passenger was leaning on the window, watching the signs go by. This Passenger seemed to be a lady shark. She wasn't talking to anyone. If anything, she was trying desperately to disassociate. She wore a pair of green headphones listening to synthesized music. She only paused the music once she saw the 'Welcome to Bikini Bottom' sign.
"Next stop," the bus driver announced, "Bikini Bottom, the sunniest city in the sea!"
The Lemon Shark took a deep breath and hopped off at the stop as the bus came to the station. She approached a passport checkpoint, cleared her throat, and presented her passport.
"Welcome to Bikini Bottom," The passport checker chirped, "Ma'am!"
"Thank you," The Lemon Shark squeaked sweetly.
"You have a very unusual name," the passport checker noted, looking at her ID, "Lil' Citrus Finn."
Lil' Citrus said, "I came up with it a bit on the spot, but I think it's sticking well!"
The passport checker was a bit confused but shook it off. He asked, "So, where are you from?"
Lil' Citrus replied, "The Great Barrier City Reef."
The passport checker said, "Oh, Australia. Must have been a long bus ride."
Lil' Citrus said, "Most of my journey was in the current system. It's a lot faster!"
The passport checker said, "Cool!"
He stamped her passport and handed it back to her.
"Have a nice day," He said.
She left with a smile on her face. She came into a hotel and checked into the room.
"You look great today," The receptionist said, "Ma'am!"
"Thanks," Lil' Citrus squeaked sweetly.
The receptionist asked, "What's your skincare routine to get such a warm glow?"
Lil' Citrus replied, "Oh, you know: a lemon zest scrub, Vitamin C serum droplets, and a lemon-lime face mask. It took me a long time to get this look right. I'm quite pleased with how I turned out."
All the receptionist could say was, "Oh, I see."
Later,
Lil' Citrus arrived on the beach wearing a long covering over her body; she carried a rolled-up towel. She did her best to try to make herself as inconspicuous as possible. She found a spot to roll out her towel and laid it out. She laid out on the towel to enjoy the sun.
Larry was coming from Mussel Beach when he looked at the crowd. He sighed, "This is the busiest time of year for the beach, and everyone has found their special someone. I'm all alone."
Larry spotted Lil' Citrus, and his heart skipped a beat. He said, with a grin, "But I don't have to stay alone."
He approached Lil' Citrus and said, "Hey there, are you new in town?"
Lil' Citrus answered, "Oh, for sure! Who might you be?"
Larry introduced himself, flexing his muscles," Larry the Lobster."
Larry asked, "What's your name?"
"I like to call myself Lil' Citrus," she replied. It's nice to meet you."
Larry asked, "You wanna grab a smoothie together?"
Lil' Citrus said, "No, thank you, I just started getting some sun. Maybe later."
Larry replied, "Alright."
He then left her side and muttered, "Nailed it."
Lil' Citrus sunned herself for a few hours before heading to the Snack Bar. She looked around and spotted Larry already there.
"Oh hey Larry," Lil' Citrus chirped, "Did you wait for me?"
Larry chuckled nervously, "No, of course not. I just happened to wrap up my workout around the same time."
Lil' Citrus and Larry ordered mango banana smoothies and started chitchatting about self-care routines. Larry talked about how he had been inspired to work out more by admiring the muscle beach from afar, especially one substantial buff tuna. Larry explained that he started his bodybuilding journey as what is known on the local beach as a "Srawny Sponge."
Larry said, "It was called that in memory of one intrepid sponge that attempted to lift the entire weight rack without training."
Lil' Citurs asked, "So you like being so big and strong?"
Larry cheerfully, "Oh, of course!"
Lil' Citrus smiled but had a tinge of sorrow in her eyes.
Larry asked, "How about you and your skincare?"
Lil' Citrus explained how she had always admired the precise and perfect skin of shark girls she had seen in fashion magazines. She experimented on her skin and even paid out of pocket for a dermatologist to recommend her a prescription that she only really needed to take for a month.
"It became especially soft and smooth after I," Lil' Citrus stopped herself, thought for a moment, and said, "Started having more vitamin C in my diet."
Larry chuckled, "Vitamin C, what's your secret? Alright then."
There was a hum of activity in the Seashell Tavern—the crew of four ships were hanging about, drinking foamy sodas and trading stories. Some Crewmates were playing darts and arm wrestling. Their pirate captains clustered around the television, watching Larry and Lil' Citrus. It Cut to a commercial, and the four began discussing the show. There was an older man, a young man, a woman, and one who wore braces.
Captain Bart, the eldest, said, "Argh, it warms my salty heart to see the show still on the air."
Captain Dakota, the youngest of the group, quipped, raising a glass, "Here, Here! It's great to see new ideas for such a landmark show!"
Captain Bart and Dakota toasted their drinks and took a big sip.
Captain Sharon, the woman, growled, "Argh, I don't like how it's a bland romance story. This doesn't feel like it belongs in SpongeBob."
Captain Fredrick, wearing braces, said, "Ah, cut them some slack, lass. The writers are being crunched now more than ever!"
Captain Sharon sighed, "They should unionize and fight against those horrid working conditions."
Captain Dakota said, trying to change the subject, "I heard rumors that Patchy will pop into this very tavern this week!"
Captain Fredrick said, "Right, just like he was supposed to over twenty years ago. That Pirate has been land-locked since that house party incident."
Suddenly, the Seashell Tavern's playful atmosphere was interrupted by a colorless pirate bursting into the pub.
"Shut that television off," He snarled, and Bart's crew unsheathed their swords and got between the colorless Pirate and the television.
"You got a name," Scruffy snarled, "Stranger?"
The colorless Pirate grinned and answered, "I'm Black and White, Willy. I suggest you put those away before my crew comes in and turns you to mince meat."
Captain Bart saw the altercation, paused the television, approached Willie, unsheathing his sword, and said, "Any pirate worth their salt knows that when the SpongeBob SquarePants show is on, it is a sacred time. You'd better have a good reason for wanting to end it early."
Willie asked, "What's the point? We've been honoring this tradition of yours for two generations now. The show just isn't worth our time anymore."
Bart sheathed his sword and glared at his crew. They begrudgedly also put away their weapons.
"Come in, won't you," Bart said, "We can talk about his over a tall glass of Fizz-pop."
They sat down, and the waitress served Willie a foamy soda mug.
Willie said, "It's been going on for far too long."
Willie gulped down his mug until it was half empty.
Bart said, "That's the point of a tradition; it's ever-lasting."'
Bart took a short sip from his drink.
Willie snapped, "I meant the show. It needs to end and just rerun the first three seasons. They're the only ones that matter."
Willie finished his drink, and the waitress traded the empty mug with another full mug. Willie bleched.
Bart said, "Good one, and but you're wrong. There's some gems in the new seasons that you're missing out on."
Bart took a short sip from his drink.
Willie said, "But they've run out of good ideas. The show is practically a zombie now."
Willie gulped down his mug until it was half empty.
Bart said, "That may be true, but the animators and other artists are working as hard as ever."
Bart took a short sip from his drink.
Willie said, "Indeed, those poor poor artists. The greed of the studio is weighing them down."
Willie finished his drink, and the waitress traded the empty mug with another full mug.
Bart asked, "Is it so bad that a studio wants a little profit from their shows?"
Bart took a long sip.
Willie snapped, "What are you, a cooperate cheerleader?"
Willie gulped down his mug until it was half empty.
Bart sighed, "While I know it's not the 1930s anymore, Animation Studios are still businesses. They need income to support the artists who work for them."
Bart took a long sip.
Willie hissed, "Like they care! Everyone knows that the head of the corporation wants to line their pockets! The real money is in merchandise, and television is slowly becoming a side hustle in the streaming world! Your precious SpongeBob SquarePants showtime will end as cable dies on the vine."
After Willie finished his drink, the waitress traded the empty mug for another full mug. Willie lightly burped.
Bart sighed and took a long sip.
Bart asked, "Is that why you want to end the tradition?"
Willie smugly smiled and said, "Yes!"
Willie gulped down his mug until it was half empty.
Bart took a short sip and asked, "What makes you so sure we will lose cable?"
Willie finished his drink, and the waitress traded the empty mug with another full mug.
Willie said, "It's inevitable! Face it, times are changing. There is no more room for cable, paper tickets, or any physical media pieces. The Internet Age is making your nostalgia obsolete, old man."
Bart took a short sip and said, "Actually, I think the Internet Age is making my nostalgia reach more folks than ever! I see so much creativity and love for the sweet little sponge on those social media platforms."
Willie gulped down his mug until it was half empty.
Willie laughed, "Only because the algorithm shows you what you click on the most. The fandom you love so much hates that annoying little yellow headache. Just look at the episodes; they're not about your 'sweet little sponge' anymore."
Finally finishing his drink, Bart took a short sip and said sadly, "I guess you're right. But I can still enjoy it while it lasts."
Willie laughed, "You do that."
Bart left Willie's side and left the bar to the seaport outside. He leaned on the wooden railing, and Leatherbeard rushed after him. Bart took a deep breath, really smelling the air of the ocean.
Leatherbeard asked, "Everything alright, Captain?"
"No," Captain Bart said, "This time was supposed to be sacred, and Willie insists the era of it is ending. I had to come out here to remind myself why I love SpongeBob. Not just the show but the character. His kindness and patience rivals when the most saintly of us. Sometimes, I worry that he's losing himself, but he always bounces back."
Captain Bart asked Leatherbeard, "Do you think we should continue our SpongeBob SquarePants showtime tradition?"
Leatherbeard smiled and said, "Aye, Captain. We shouldn't let one Pirate with no love for the show end our fun. I want to see how the episode ends before our next adventure."
Captain Bart and Leatherbeard returned to the tavern. Bart sat back with the other captains to play the Televisoin.
Larry and Lil' Citrus exchanged numbers at the Snack Bar. Lil' Citrus and Larry discussed their plans for the summer over text the next day. Larry explained how he was catching up with his leg days. Lil' Citrus talked about how she wanted to explore the city more. Larry noted that he knows the best places to hang out as a local. Lil' Citrus chuckled. She agreed to meet him at the local mall later in the afternoon.
They had a blast together. They playfully posed for the photo booth, went around a rollerskating rink together, tried on sunglasses, and even bought trinkets for each other. Larry got Lil' Citrus some lemon-lime soda cap earrings, and Lil' Citrus got Larry, a surfing-themed fanny pack. They had dinner at the food court, splitting a pizza.
Larry asked as they left the mall, "Did you have fun?"
Lil' Citrus smiled and said, "It was the most fun I ever had at a mall!"
Larry smiled sweetly, and Lil' Citrus mirrored the look.
Another commercial break came on, and by now, Willie's crew was also in the tavern. They shared Willie's deep disdain for SpongeBob SquarePants. Bart's crew was very upset but trusted their Captain's orders not to act out violence yet.
Captain Bart asked Willie, "Why did you come here if you hate SpongeBob so much?"
Black and White Willie retorted, "Why are you here if all you do is watch SpongeBob?"
Captain Bart twitched his eye in frustration, but he remained steadfast.
Captain Sharon snapped, "How flipping dare you! You come into the Seashell Tavern, insult its oldest patron, and expect us to let it slide?"
Willie said, "What are you going to do about it? Your elder has adopted the wrong lessons from an idiot!"
Sharon unsheathed her sword and pointed it threateningly at Black and White Willie.
"That idiot and his friends have brought more peace among us seadogs than any tale ever told," Sharon said, "Now either you and your crew leave this shore and not bother us with your nonsense or face the wrath of the Sandy crew!"
"And the Patrick crew," Fredrick said, unsheathing his sword.
Dakota said, unsheathing his sword, "And the Squidward crew."
There was some silence.
Sharon sighed, "Are the twins late again? They need to improve their navigation. I sailed with them before, and they would not use anything other than outdated maps or profoundly inaccurate GPS!"
Willie said, "It doesn't matter. Your love of these silly little toons is powerful. But, I think you'll find my hatred more so."
Willie's eyes glowed a deep red, and everyone gasped.
Bart asked, "What deal did you make with the Blood Lake?"
Willie said, "None of your damn business!"
Dakota said, "If it has anything to do with the SpongeBob SquarePants showtime, then I think it is our business!"
"Shh," Willie said, "I think your beloved show is returning."
Larry and Lil' Citrus were on the pier that night.
"There's something I've meant to tell you," Lil' Citrus said. I'm just not sure how to say it."
Larry said, "Of course, Lil' Cirtus, you can tell me anything."
He took her fins in his claws.
Lil' Citrus smiled, but it faded as her face became serious.
"Larry," Lil' Citrus said, "I haven't always been like this."
She pulled her fins away to gesture to her feminine form.
Larry chuckled, "I knew that, silly. You worked hard to make yourself beautiful like the ladies in magazines, right?"
"I did tell you that much," She said, "But what I didn't tell you was I wasn't always a woman."
She teared up and took off her hair.
"Nothing about the way I am today is what I was born to be," She whimpered, her voice cracking as it deepened, "I often question myself if I even made the right decision in transitioning the way I did. But deep down, I knew I didn't fit in with the other boys. I was a girl, despite what my biology had told me. It was painful to lose so many of my friends and family over this, but I've never felt happier. Larry, you're the first person that's made me feel like a woman worth loving."
Larry smiled and said, "I'm glad I helped you feel that way. And it doesn't matter much to me if you were a boy once. So was I, but that's just part of growing up. We aren't little boys anymore. I grew up to be a big, strong man, and you became a beautiful woman."
Larry gently wiped the tears off her face. He then hugged her.
"Thank you," Lil'Citrus said, "For everything."
THE CREDITS ROLL
Bart snapped, "Let's take this to the seas!"
The rest of the crowd cheered, "Yarr!"
Scruffy plopped a few bags of gold on the counter as they rushed to their boats. They parted from the shallows. The ships fired at Black and Willie's ship together in a bombardment of metal, smoke, and gunpowder. Black and White Willie was confident he would win, and then he heard some music turn on.
"Avast my mateys!
Avast, my lads and lassies!
Avast," Every pirate captain but Willie started singing,
"Lift the anchor!
Drop the sails,
Batten down the hatches!
It's time for a good old-fashioned fight at sea!"
"Ahoy there," Captain Bart sang, "I'm Captain Bart, and this be my crew!
You might have met them already once before!
We all went to see The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie together!"
His crew cheered as they went about the ship, preparing for the imminent battle.
Captain Bart kept singing, "My heart softened when I saw SpongeBob risk his life and limb for Sandy against a giant clam!
I saw Spongebob and Patrick as best friends, which reminded me of my crew!
I saw SpongeBob try so hard to reach out to Squidward!
I saw the loyalty on display for his job and Mr. Krabs!
I saw how ready he was to trust Plankton, even though he was still evil!
Now, I sail the seven seas, spreading kindness and joy!
Unfortunately, some of us would rather see the seas in turmoil."
Willie was uncomfortable and asked, "Are they seriously going to be singing this whole fight?"
"Avast my mateys!
Avast, my lads and lassies!
Avast," Every pirate captain but Willie started singing,
"Lift the anchor!
Drop the sails,
Batten down the hatches!
It's time for a good old-fashioned fight at sea!"
Black and White Willie sighed, "Yep."
"Ahoy and howdy, I'm Captain Sharon," Sharon sang, "And this be me crew.
You don't know my crew yet, but we're going on an adventure you will never forget.
I felt lost and alone in Texas, where the cattle roam.
I knew from the day I saw Sandy that the sea could be my home!
So came to sail the seven seas and collected a crew; the rest is history!
I sail the seven seas spreading an incredible lasso-wielding culture and kar-a-te!"
She chopped and kicked the air for emphasis.
Black and White Willie shouted, "Fire the cannons to Larboard! Fire the cannons to Starboard! Fire the cannons to Leeward! Fire the cannons to Windward! Let's sink these fools!"
"Avast my mateys!
Avast, my lads and lassies!
Avast," Every pirate captain but Willie started singing,
"Lift the anchor!
Drop the sails,
Batten down the hatches!
It's time for a good old-fashioned fight at sea!"
Black and White Willie groaned, "Something tells me this will be a long fight."
"Ahoy, I'm Captain Fredrick," Fredrick sang, "And uhh, oh, I'm singing this song!
I might be singing it wrong!
I fly my flag to the lovable heart of Patrick!
May my heart be my guide as well!"
Black and White Willie shouted, sounding like singing, "Fire the cannons to Larboard! Fire the cannons to Starboard! Fire the cannons to Leeward! Fire the cannons to Windward! Let's sink these fools!"
"Avast my mateys!
Avast, my lads and lassies!
Avast," Every pirate captain but Willie started singing,
"Lift the anchor!
Drop the sails,
Batten down the hatches!
It's time for a good old-fashioned fight at sea!"
Black and White Willie gasped, "Oh no, now I'm doing it too!"
"Ahoy, I'm Captain Dakota," Captain Dakota said, "I'll sing this song right!
All eyes on me!
I have the spotlight.
I'm fabulous!
This is a fact that can't be denied!
I like Squidward because I can relate to wanting to be seen for my gorgeous looks and incredible talents.
But at the end of the day, I'm just a pirate!"
Black and White Willie sighed, "Please tell me this song is almost over; I don't think I can take much more of this."
"Avast my mateys!
Avast, my lads and lassies!
Avast" sang two new voices floating in from the southeast,
" "Lift the anchor!
Drop the sails,
Batten down the hatches!
It's time for a good old-fashioned fight at sea!"
Black and White Willie gasped, "It's the twins, Captain Krably and Captain Shelby!"
"That's right," Captain Shelby sang, "Now prepare for trouble!"
"And make it Double," Captain Krably sang.
They both sang together, "We don't see eye to eye!
We often fight, and if you ask us why,
It's because she thinks she's more powerful than me!
But when the cards are down!
Lives on the line!
We come together to reclaim the seas from those who want to claim it as theirs and not mine!"
"I like Mr. Krabs," Captain Krably sang, "because his wealth is unparalleled, but his heart is for his employees just like me!"
"I like Plankton," Captain Shelby sang, "Yes, he's evil, but his technology and brilliant mind remind me of me!"
Black and White Willie said, "One last chorus, then we can be done with this shipwreck of a sea-fight!"
"Avast my mateys!
Avast, my lads and lassies!
Avast," Every pirate captain but Willie started singing,
"Lift the anchor!
Drop the sails,
Batten down the hatches!
It's time for a good old-fashioned fight at sea!"
Black and White Willie sighed in relief, "Finally."
He shouted, "Retreat!"
He sailed off with a mystery wind that no other ship seemed to have picked up. The other pirates cheered. They all went to port back to the Seashell Tavern to rewatch the episode and discuss matters.
"Sorry we're late," Captain Krably said, "This one just had to try and harness the power of Lava Island again."
"I'm telling you, sister," Captain Shelby said, "Our ship needs something that burns to become more efficient! Windpower is so last century."
Sharon, Krably, and Dakota just laughed.
Captain Bart was thinking.
Fredrick piped up, "Everything alright, bud?"
Bart said, "You know we all like the same show. We should start a clan of some kind."
Sharon asked, "A clan?"
Bart said, "Yeah, unite our forces to keep SpongeBob SquarePants and all his sea friends safe. I have a feeling that Willy isn't going to take this loss lightly."
Dakota said, "That's brilliant, Bart! We can call ourselves the Pirate Protectors of Bikini Atoll!"
Fredrick cleared his throat and shouted, "A toast to the founding of the Pirate Protectors of Bikini Atoll! May SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, Squidward, and Plankton live in the sea in peace as long as we have ships and a crew to sail them!"
The other captains cheered, "Here, Here!"