Chapter 30
"Lancelot?" She looked at him bewildered as he sat in the corner of the room. The darkness surrounded him and Aurora felt the urge to light a candle.
"I apologize." He said and stood up formally, his wit not visual on his face or voice. "I did not want to impose, but Tristan was still sleeping so I.." Aurora held up a hand to stop him. "It is alright. I understand." When he did not reply she quietly closed the door after her and waited for him to say something else, but he didn't.
"My room." She said to herself breathless and looked around. "It looks the same as the day I left it." Aurora said with a smile and it was true, when she touched her wardrobe it was clean. Not even a small layer of dust rested on it.
Aurora opened the door to her closet and she smiled a little when she saw her old gowns. "I cannot believe this." She whispered. Many things had gone through her mind when she had opened the door. She was quite confident that she would find the room empty or full of another persons belongings. She was, however, not prepared to find everything intact and so well preserved.
When she had studied the most part of her old room she sat herself on the bed, with her back facing Lancelot. He was a ghost to her in that moment and because he had not said anything, she actually wondered if she had imagined him. Perhaps she was seeing her heart's desire.
"I didn't expect to find my room in this state." She confessed truthfully. Lancelot sighed and seated himself once more in the chair.
"You must thank Arthur for that." When he finally spoke, she turned around to look at him but he avoided her glance. "If I had decided.." He stopped. "I didn't think you would come back." He finished.
Aurora nodded in understandingly and then turned back and concentrated her eyes on the dark floor.
"Please." She then heard. "Turn around." His dark voice demanded her and she could do nothing else but obey. Lancelot walked to the bed and also seated himself.
"I don't know what to say.." He began. "I suppose I should tell you what happened." Aurora said in response.
"Yes, please." He said with relief on his features. "I have spent so many nights wondering." He said silently.
Aurora swallowed."Well, I was captured by the woads, as you may know." She added and Lancelot nodded.
"When we didn't find your body, we guessed that. But something I have been wondering is where you planned to go that night." He then asked. "You didn't take any belongings." He continued and looked around the room.
"Honestly, I don't know. I have asked myself the same question, but I think I only wanted to escape for a moment." After some hesitation she took his hand in hers and demanded him to look at her with her eyes.
"I always planned to come back." Aurora said to him. She wanted to reassure him that she always meant to return to him, but she didn't know if she meant the night she had run away or after her stay with the woads.
"However, things didn't go as planned and I ended up living with the woads." She let go of his Lancelot's hand nervously.
"Why did they spare you?" Lancelot asked and she could feel his curiosity and Aurora glanced at him. She knew that if she told him about Merlin's plans he would be furious, but she had to be honest.
"Merlin wanted me to persuade Arthur to fight for them." Aurora awaited Lancelot's response but nothing happened. A little confused she continued. "He thought that if I was alive I could help him talk to Arthur."
Lancelot nodded."Do you think he would have killed you if he didn't want Arthur's help?" Lancelot asked sternly.
"I am not sure." Aurora shrugged her shoulders. "Guinevere said he would not want to kill me but there were others who really would, considering who my father was."
"So, they kept you alive." Lancelot muttered to himself and she could see some fire in his eyes.
"Yes." She replied even though his words were not meant for her.
"And then you befriended them." For the first time Aurora felt his gaze directly upon her and she felt utterly uncomfortable. "Some, yes." Aurora confessed, but Lancelot remained blank. Aurora waited for him to ask about Darin. Aurora was about to tell him more when he interrupted her.
"I" Lancelot began and looked at her. "Arthur prayed for you and I scorned him for it." Lancelot hide his face with his hands when he said this. "A part of my think his prayers kept you alive. Arthur's prayers, not mine."
His confession broke her heart. To see him blame himself but also to know he truly had thought she was dead. Fear lingered in her heart. A single thought haunting her mind.
"You could not know." She tried to console him, but to no avail.
"And what happened the night you left." He said and stood up. "I don't even know what to say in my defense."
"I do." She tried to find his eyes but it was to dark. "Lancelot, I must tell you something I have thought about for over a year. Ever since our fight that night.."
"About that night.." Lancelot started again.
"No, wait. Lancelot," Suddenly she couldn't get the words out. This was the moment she had been waited for but what if it didn't lead to the end she had imagined?
"Lancelot, I never blamed you for my miscarriage." She said and felt a stone fall from her chest. "I blamed myself and in my grief I...I locked myself up. It felt as if I had disappointed you, like had betrayed you and myself." The tears came even thought she hated them.
"That moment on the stairs. You can't know how many times I have looked back, cursing myself for the decisions I made that day." She stood up in desperation and walked to the window.
"And for every day since the night I rode off to.." She threw her arms up in the air. "To god know where. I have asked for absolution for the pain I caused you." She stopped and seated herself on the windowsill, wiping away the tears which now stained her cheeks.
Lancelot remained where he stood and she could see how pale he looked against his black cloths. "I caused you pain." He whispered after a while."I ran to that barwhench.." He clenched his jaw.
"I understand Aurora." He looked deep into her soul, she shivered under his gaze. "I have too looked back to a single moment, wanting, thinking how everything might have happened differently." His knightly posture disappeared and he seemed defeated before her eyes.
"Knowing that that was the last sight you had seen before.." He didn't continue, but she understood what was on the tip of his tongue.
"Before I eligible died." She whispered and then she felt so certain that her worst fear would in fact be real.
"I forgive you Lancelot." Aurora whispered and walked up to him. "I forgive you for everything that happened that night." He took her hands in his.
"No." He said defiantly and looked at the floor.
"Lancelot, look at me." He raised his head and fixed his brown eyes on hers.
"I forgive you." Aurora said once more and with this Lancelot took her hands and kissed them, it seemed by the look in his eyes, that he considered her to be an angel. As if the absolution she had given him made her divine.
"Why?" He whispered making her smile a little.
"I am not sure." She answered truthfully. "Because I see my own part of what happened that night, because during this year I have seen and experience more death and pain then I have in my entire life." She put her hand on his chest and looked at her eyes in his. "And because I know that a person can do mistakes which betray his heart and I have to believe that you would have betrayed your heart if you had shared her bed." Aurora finished.
"Aurora." Lancelot said and took her in his arms. "I would never have let it go so far." He said and then Lancelot said the words she had hoped and feared he would say. "Because my heart was yours, and I would have betrayed it, myself and you if I had shared her bed." He said and kissed her cheeks.
"It is alright." Aurora said but she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces. "Lancelot do you forgive me?" She asked. "Because I, did in fact, break your heart first."
Lancelot smiled and looked at her. "You already forgiven." His dark voice said and Aurora smiled but Lancelot could see the pain in her eyes.
"Aurora." He said and took her in his arms once again. "It is behind us." Aurora forgot the words she had meant to say and for a moment she forget about everything. When they drew away from each other Aurora asked Lancelot about Dagonet.
"He sacrificed himself for you." She consoled him. "For his brothers, no greater death can be bestowed on a knight." She said thinking about Guinevere's words before. Lancelot drifted away in his own thoughts.
"What happened out there?" She asked feeling nervous. "Where?" Lancelot looked at her bewildered.
"In the battle. Guinevere said it was close and the Darin said.." She stopped and lowered her head. Lancelot studied her and then replied. "I saw that Guinevere was fighting a Saxon and she was losing." He explained. "So I jumped into the dance, but he was better then a thought." Lancelot sighed.
"No," He then said. "He was smarter. When I thought I had him he took a crossbow."
"Lancelot?" Aurora moved closer to him, scrutinizing him after wounds. "The arrow hit my arm." Lancelot said and touched his left arm. "Right before the Saxon shoot, he himself was hit by an arrow."
Aurora looked at him. "Darin." She whispered.
"Yes, I know that now." Lancelot said. Aurora nodded and looked away. God, how she wanted to thank Darin for his deed. She would live in gratitude for the rest of her life, with no chance to repay him. Her gaze was caught by the wardrobe in her room and when she looked back she had a smile on her face.
"This room remind me of so many moments." Lancelot looked at her, a smile playing on his lips as well.
"Yes, for me to." For moment they looked at each other in sympathy. The moments they had shared flashing through their minds.
"What did I just say?" Aurora wondered." That thing.." he gestured, but Aurora only looked amused at him."Thing?" " Yes, about you not lacking experience?"."Oh that, well Lancelot I meant exactly what I said" she answered. "Now, if you don't mind" she said and pulled his hand of the door." I would like to go to bed, it has been a long day".*
"Who else?" he asked. She but merely whispered the answer and Lancelot got a look of surprise and happiness on his face. "Our child" he repeated.*
"How are you feeling today?" he asked lowing his head to her stomach. She laughed. "He can't hear you" she said and Lancelot snapped up his head. "He?" he asked surprised.*
Lancelot looked at her smiling. "Good memories." He said and Aurora nodded.
"Is it just memories?" Aurora stuttered with a silent voice, catching Lancelot off guard.
Aurora knew she had to say it. "Lancelot, we have forgiven each other." She drew away from him, backed away from him as if the mere image of him hurt her. "But, it is not enough is it?" Aurora continued and saw how perplexed Lancelot looked, but it had to be said.
"Aurora.." He started but then he starred at her and she could see how her words reached his heart. Aurora's eyes were round of realization and sorrow.
"You said it yourself. You have mourned me." Her voice as silent and deadly like and assassin. "You loved me." She continued emphasizing on the past term. "But, when we move on, our feelings." Aurora swallowed. "They change." Lancelot glanced at her and clinched his jaw.
"Is that what happened for you?" His voice struck her like his sword has in her dream.
"What?" She asked her brows confused.
"Did you move on with him?" His words cut through her when she realized what he meant.
"Lancelot, no." She shook her head. "I saw you." Lancelot continued.
"I have never seen you mourn someone like that before except for our child." He walked up to her and now his posture was harsh and stern. "You said it yourself Aurora. Our hearts move on."
Aurora only shook her head unable say anything. "I loved him yes." She began. "But only as a brother. Lancelot I never moved on." Lancelot relaxed a little. "I always knew you were alive and my heart never faltered." She finished.
When Lancelot looked at her, he understood she was taking about him. If he had moved on and he realized that she was right. "I am sorry." Lancelot said with despair in his voice.
"Tell me the truth Lancelot." Aurora took her hand on his cheek and looked him deep in his eyes. "Did you move on?" They were both silent.
"I grieved" He finally said. "You remained in my memories." He answered and she could see the pain in his eyes.
"I understand." Aurora said and lowered her eyes."I feared for this." Aurora said truthfully and remained by his side. "I feared that what we had before I left." She glanced at him. "Would not be enough." Aurora's voice choked as she said it. "
I wanted it be." Lancelot whispered looking as shocked as he sounded. "When I saw you.." He grasped her shoulders eagerly. "There on the battlefield with Guinevere, I thought I was dreaming. That I had died in the battle on gone to meet you."
Aurora smiled and felt her tears in the corner of her mouth. "sounds enchanting." She whispered in return.
"You were." Lancelot said and wiped a few of her tears away. "I have wished every night that you would be alive." He continued. "Because I love you Aurora." He said with confidence in his voice. "Not loved, but love." He continued and held on to her by her shoulders. "And when I realized that you were alive and that I was too, I was so shocked and happy. My wish had come true."
Lancelot looked away from her, composing strength to say what he had too. "But, you are not the same person anymore. I saw it on the battlefield, in Tristan's room." Lancelot took hold off her hands, caressing them as he tried to give strength to himself and Aurora.
"But, that is not the main thing, it is just to much." Lancelot said after a while and Aurora nodded and she backed away from him. "I love you Aurora, but I cannot be with you." Lancelot said.
Aurora swallowed. "I feared that you would feel this way." Aurora turned around and looked away from him. "
I don't understand it myself." Lancelot said truthfully. "It is the same things that connects us, which also divides us. As if there is to much history, to much that has happened to comprehend." Aurora remained silent, but inside she was torn apart.
"Aurora." Lancelot reached out a hand and Aurora sensed his approach.
"I am fine." She turned around and gave him a smile. "I hoped that you would safe and alive and you are." Opening the door, she motioned for him to go.
"You should go to Tristan now." She said with a confident voice and kept her smile on her face. "He needs you." Lancelot starred at her and nodded.
"You should come too." Lancelot said and accepted her need to speak of other matters. "To see your miraculous return gives hope to us all."
Aurora nodded. "I will come later. I just need some time alone." She finished. Lancelot nodded and walked up to her.
"You will always belong here, among us." He whispered and kissed her forehead.
Aurora smiled. "Go now." She said and hushed at the door. "You don't want to miss when he wakes up".
Lancelot gave her a concerned glance and on his way out he stopped and turned around with some hesitation.
"With you, I always felt free." Then he walked out of her room and a part of her life.
Hope you enjoyed! :)