At six o'clock in the morning only the heater rumbling in the basement could be heard in the Matthews' house.
It was so quiet and still that Shawn found it discomforting. Wandering bleary-eyed through the house, he eventually found himself in the kitchen. He put the coffee on to brew then headed outside where he sat on the bench under the tree that looked into the Feenys' yard.
The house next door was as quiet and still as the one he had just left.
Sinking down until the back of his head rested on the back of the bench, Shawn closed his eyes and sighed.
He slept very little the night before.
There was so much to be done.
Unraveling the past between him and Jon was going to take the bulk of their time with seventeen years to dig through. Then there were the texts and what was going on back in New York that Jon still had to know about before returning.
Shawn sighed heavily.
The exposure of Jon's past, whatever that was, loomed ahead of them. And now Cory needed to go back to high school as much as he and Jon needed to go back to the apartment.
He rubbed his eyes and slid his hand into his hair with another sigh.
Even though they'd only been back a short time and had the majority of the break ahead of them, Shawn worried they would not be able to get everything done that needed to be done before going home.
There just wasn't enough time to explore the past the way it needed to be.
Not for him or Jon or Cory.
Fixing things with them was more important than anything, but Shawn was at a loss on how to go about taking care of his father and brother equally.
He sighed again.
"You got a hole in you or something?"
Julia was standing by the arm of the bench he was leaning on. She poked him repeatedly in the shoulder.
Shawn opened one eye and gave her a peeved look.
"'Scuse me?"
"You sound like a bike tire leaking air."
Affectionately, he rolled his eyes. He was pretty sure he'd said those exact words or something very similar to Jon on more than one occasion.
"Why are you up so early?"
"Why are you?" she shot back with the very attitude he'd so often given their father. Her tone and delivery, even the pronunciation of her words was identical to his.
How was that possible when he only met her a few months earlier?
He knew people who were related could have similar mannerisms despite not ever meeting. Whether a mysterious working of DNA or familial behaviors passed along through the generations, Shawn experienced this with the Hunters he had not met until well into adulthood.
The similarities were disturbing.
But how Julia could have picked up any of them was incomprehensible to him.
Sometimes, Shawn wondered if they were blood related.
That wasn't possible, of course.
They did not share DNA.
Yet strangely Jon and Audrey's genetics had given him a sister that looked and spoke more like him than any half-siblings he had.
Even he and Jack weren't half as much alike as he and Julia were.
"Who do you think you're talkin' to?" he grinned, moving down to make room for her on the bench.
Julie sat down and snuggled up to him. He put his arm around her. The air was chilly and while Shawn was wearing his leather jacket, she had forgotten to bring a sweater with her. When he saw her shiver, he opened his jacket, let her settle against him, and wrapped the jacket around her shoulders. Then rested his chin on top of her head.
"So," he said again once she was warm. "Why are you up so early?"
She shrugged and buried her icy nose against his neck. "I'm worried about Daddy. Why are you up so early?"
"I'm worried about Dad and Cory."
A small frown tugged at the corner of her mouth. "They're gonna be all right, aren't they?"
"I hope so. I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure of it."
Julia accepted this. But Shawn felt like he should be able to offer her more real reassurance. To do so, he would have lie because the truth was, he didn't know if either man would be alright. But his sister did not demand reassurances, perhaps because she knew he didn't have them.
Shawn twisted a long curl around his finger. The hair that looked black in most lighting was actually a very dark chocolate brown with chestnut highlights when in the sun.
Just like Jon's hair.
"Hey, Jules."
He stretched the curl to the limit of its length then let it go. It popped against her nose.
"Hmm?" She tucked the lock behind her head and out of his reach.
"Why do you call him Daddy?"
"I've always called him that." Julia tipped her chin up to look at him. "One time I called him Dad to his face. He looked so sad I thought he was gonna cry. Like I'd yelled at him or something. Then he yelled at me for calling him that. He didn't get half as upset when Grayson called him Jon when he was five."
She pulled her knees up to her chest and chewed on a thumbnail with a cloudy look in her eyes.
"Mom said he was struggling with me growing up. Calling him Dad made him think I didn't want him around anymore; that I'd outgrown him. I didn't really wanna stop but I thought I'd get made fun of for being thirteen and still calling him Daddy."
"Did you?"
Julia wrinkled her nose in exasperation at her past self and waved a hand in front of her face. "Nah, no one cared."
Shawn's mind turned the word over and over. He'd never called Chet Daddy that he could remember. Jon on the other hand…
I don't wanna go to school, Daddy.
He was sleeping on top of two desks in a way that was just inviting Jon to "play Dad" again. It was just before Topanga's sixteenth birthday and things were going particularly sideways in his life with Chet and Virna. Jon was trying hard to repair their relationship which he was actively rejecting. So blatantly sleeping in class like that was a way to remind Jon that he wanted nothing to do with him. But then his subconscious betrayed him.
I don't wanna go to school, Daddy.
Shawn pulled his mind away from that time. He couldn't go through it again without Jon. He leaned his cheek against Julia's head and tapped his fingers on the seat of the bench.
"Mom still refers to Pops as Daddy," he said absently.
"I know."
They sat in silence for a while before Julia asked, "What're you going to do about Uncle Cory?"
Shawn sighed heavily again, but Julia didn't tease him this time. "I'm not really sure. He wants to go back to our high school. It's really important to him."
"Like you and Daddy's apartment?"
Shawn nodded. "Yeah. Cory seems to think that will make things better."
"Will it?"
"Maybe. Or it could make things worse."
"How?"
Shawn paused and ran his hand over his beard. "I think somethin' happened back then that no one's rememberin'. I'm worried it's connected to what's goin' on now."
"If it is, maybe remembering it will help you know what to do."
Shawn stared at Mr. Feeny's fence. He hadn't thought about it that way. Leave it to a fifteen-year-old to inject a fresh perspective into things. He needed to keep Julia close to him to do just that so long as it was safe.
"Yeah, maybe."
"Can I go with you?"
A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. He did want her with him as he journeyed through the past because it made it feel to him as though she was there too.
Which of course she wouldn't have been even if he and Jon had been on good terms.
"Yeah, sure."
"Can we go while we wait for Mom to give us the okay to go back to the apartment?"
He considered this for a moment then shook his head. "No. I dunno how to explain this, but I have to deal with things in chronological order. It's weird, Sis. I have these gaps in my memory. Some of it from intentionally forgettin', but some of it… I'm not sure why I can't remember. The longer I'm home, the more I remember, but nothing is in order. But I'm sure all of this stuff happened after Dad and I lost Mom and each other."
"I get it," she said giving him a squeeze. She rolled her head onto his shoulder. "Daddy's the same. When you ask him about certain things, he says he can't remember. Mom said some of it he doesn't want to remember. But other stuff she's brought up and he really can't remember."
This both surprised Shawn and worried him greatly. "Like what?"
"Daddy can't remember the first few weeks after the accident which you'd expect. But there's a lot he can't remember like about the year leading up to it."
Now Shawn was really concerned. "What're you talkin' about? That's the first year Mom and Dad were married. Dad remembers that."
"Yeah, that," she replied as though he was odd for thinking that was what she was referring to. "But have you asked him about that school year?"
He blinked. "No."
"I have. I was being nosy about you and asked him how come he couldn't get you to talk to him that year. He says he doesn't know; that he can't remember."
A feeling of guilt rose in his throat and left a bitter taste like bile in his mouth. That school year he remembered vividly no matter how hard he tried to forget. Memories of how terribly he treated Jon came unbidden. Then the moment that caused him to go to Mr. Mac instead of Jon for help surfaced and he quickly pushed it back down.
He wasn't anywhere near ready to deal with that yet.
But he did remember it all. He found it hard to believe that Jon could not.
"Mom wasn't there," Julia went on. "But she remembers what Daddy told her."
"Hasn't he ever asked her?"
"I doubt it. Daddy blames himself for what happened between you guys. He wouldn't want to remember even if he could. Mom says he avoids talking about unpleasant things in the past."
He could understand that. He'd spent seventeen years avoiding the same thing.
Then trepidation overtook him and made him have second thoughts about reliving the past. Maybe they should just forget about it and move on. He didn't think Jon would protest that.
Still he knew that the past had to be dealt with and he tried to reassure himself that nothing that happened then could split him and Jon up now.
Yet the fear lingered. Shawn sighed and held his sister closer.
Jon was sleeping soundly and lightly snoring.
For the first time since the early days of their marriage the sound was comforting and welcomed.
Audrey watched him sleep, taking in every movement, twitch, and breath analyzing it against the ones he made when healthy. The idiosyncrasies were returning to their normal state and for that she was very thankful.
It did not mean he was okay, however, and Audrey wasn't about to let wishful thinking allow her to make a mistake with his health.
She just couldn't make a mistake.
Holding in a sigh so not to disturb her husband, she inched closer to him. She continued to watch him until sleepiness overtook her. The moment she closed her eyes she felt the pressure of a thumb just between her eyes, rubbing the frown line out. She stayed still for a few minutes then opened her eyes. What greeted her made her smile.
Brown eyes with their golden rings of amber around the pupil studied her with a warm affection.
"'Mornin', babe," he smiled, sliding his thumb down her cheek. He opened his palm and cradled her face.
"'Mornin', Superman," she mumbled into his hand as she kissed his palm.
"Superman?" There was thick emotion around the surprise in his voice. "Can't remember the last time you called me that."
She sighed and nuzzled his palm. "I know, but I've thought it a lot."
He smiled lazily and draped his arm over her hip. "You remember the first time you called me that?"
"The morning after we got married," she sighed happily thinking back to that morning. "I thought of you that way long before I said it, you know."
"Oh?" Jon feigned shock and arched an eyebrow. A sly smirk danced over his lips. "You ever gonna tell me that story?"
She rolled her eyes. "You know that story."
"Mmmm," he pursed his lips together and pinched his chin. "Pretty sure you have not ever told me the circumstances around when you started thinkin' of me as Superman. I want details."
Her laugh was tinged with embarrassment which Jon found incredibly attractive. He sighed contentedly and wrapped a lock of hair around his fingers.
Audrey wrapped her finger around the one in her hair. "We were at the apartment…"
"Really?"
She nodded with a teasing smile. "Shawn called me in the middle of the night in tears. Shortly after I got there, Chet called…"
"That was the moment?"
She nodded again and adjusted her position.
"And?"
"And what? You know the rest of the story."
"I know you called me Superman for the first time the morning after our weddin' and you told me why Superman when neither one of us are a fan."
"Jon…"
"C'mon, Aud." He gave her rear an affectionate pinch. "Tell me."
She laughed and playfully pushed him away.
"Do I get to hear the story when we go back then?" he asked hopefully.
Audrey saw the eager look in his eyes, and it wasn't about the story. "You really want to go back, don't you?"
"I really wanna hear that story, yes."
A mischievous gleam came into her eyes. "Would you also like me to sing the songs I sang to you when you came over to help me bake for Shawn's birthday?"
Jon's cheeks flared red. "No," he said dropping his voice low. "At least not where anyone can hear."
Audrey laughed. All these years later, he would still blush in the middle of the supermarket if "Don't Stand Too Close To Me" came on and she was with him. Thankfully for him, ABBA's "When I Kissed Teacher" and Lulu's "To Sir, With Love" were not a part of the grocery store's playlist.
As the memory faded so did her smile. She cradled his face worriedly in her hands. "Tell me the truth, Jonny. How are you?"
He held back an exasperated sigh. "I don't feel like I'm at my full strength. But I wanna go back, Aud. I can handle it."
She rubbed her thumbs over his lips. "I don't know, Jon. I'm concerned about how stress will affect you. And what's coming next is something you've refused to deal with for 17 years."
"Yeah, I know." He huffed out a heavy breath. "But Aud, it's not like I had a heart attack. I ended up in the hospital because I was poppin' Excedrin like Tic-Tacs. With you on duty that can't happen again. Besides, Shawn and I need to deal with this."
Jon rolled onto his back and put his hands over his face. "We've got another fifteen-year-old in the house. I have to deal with it now, so I don't lose this one, too."
Audrey refrained from once again telling him he was never in that danger. Instead, she said with resignation. "That fifteen-year-old will be sixteen next month." She paused and stared at the wall for a moment. "I've been trying to get you to face this all of our marriage. It's not right to try to stop you now that you're willing to do it."
He turned back on his side, kissed her, and pressed his forehead against hers. "I promise you if I start feelin' bad, I'll let you know and back off."
She nodded, wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss. Unfortunately, side effects of pregnancy kicked in and Audrey had no choice but to get up to use the bathroom.
When she returned any chance of romance was out of the question. Their youngest son was now curled up against Jon, smiling sleepily at her. As much as she'd hoped to get a little more time with him, she could hardly kick their son out of bed. With her husband starting to fall asleep again, she leaned over and said to Jamie, "If your father attempts to do anything other than go to the bathroom or get dressed, you come tell me, okay?"
Jamie grinned and nodded enthusiastically while Jon grumped without opening his eyes, "I heard that."
"You were supposed to," she told him with an affectionate swat on the shoulder.
On her way upstairs, Audrey noticed that both Shawn's and Julia's beds were empty. She continued to the kitchen, which was still quiet as the family was sleeping in. While it didn't surprise her that her oldest children were awake it did surprise her that they were not in the house.
Rounding up the dishes for breakfast she passed the kitchen window over the sink and saw the tops of two heads. She smiled slightly at the curl of their hair. It surprised her when she saw Shawn again in the Library Hotel that his hair was curly and not the slick straight locks that he sported when he was a teen. In fact, his hair was very similar to Jon's when he started cutting his hair short. And when it was wet it was every bit as curly as her husband's once was.
Audrey opened the door and, upon seeing them with their arms around each other, a warm rush of emotion flowed over her.
She and Jon had waited so long for the day when Shawn would finally meet the sister he wanted so badly. She couldn't get over how strange it was that it would come when Julia was fifteen; the same age Shawn was when he lived with Jon.
As she watched them, Audrey was transported to the week after they brought Julia home from the hospital. The joy of having their new baby home was tainted by not having their eldest with them. Jon was so fraught with fear that he would lose Julia the way they lost Shawn that he could not relax around their infant daughter. Julia picked up on her father's distress and vocalized it loud enough for both of them. It was the stories of Shawn that quieted her and helped strengthen Jon's bond with her.
Shawn's absence had haunted them for so long.
But now he was home, and they were together.
Audrey's heart was full.
After watching them for a while, she made her presence known and joined them.
"Hey, Mama," they said in unison. Julia moved her feet so their mother could sit down.
Audrey smiled. Julia didn't usually call her Mama. It was always mommy and it had been a long time since she'd last called her that.
"What are you two plotting, hmm?" she asked, putting an arm over the back of the bench and absently smoothing Julia's hair.
Shawn smirked but Julia looked concerned.
"Why would you say that, Mama?" she asked, blinking innocently.
"For one thing," Audrey struggled not to laugh at her expression. "You don't call me Mama, Shawn does. For another thing, you've been keeping a lot of what you've been up to since Shawn's been home from me."'
Guilt stamped the teen's cheeks with a crimson blush.
"I don't know what you're talking about," she mumbled, unable to make eye contact.
Audrey raised her eyebrows as Shawn tapped Julia's shoulder.
"Give it up, Jules," he said somberly. "She knows everything."
Julia stared at her mother for a moment then rolled her eyes. "Of course, she does. How did you find out?"
Shawn took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I told her."
"You told?!" She snapped her head around to shoot him an indignant look. "Why?"
"He had no choice," Audrey said with mild disapproval.
Julia looked back at her worriedly. "How much trouble am I in?"
"To be determined."
She gave a groan that sounded very much like a whine. "That's the punishment, isn't it? You're gonna make me wait and torture me that way."
An amused smile briefly lit Audrey's face then clouded up. "No, but how much trouble you're in will depend on how much trouble I'm in."
Julia's brow crumpled in confusion then rose high in surprise as understanding struck. "Daddy doesn't know!"
She nodded clearly upset.
This admission distressed Julia a great deal. Her parents did not keep secrets from each other. "Mom, are you okay?"
"No, I'm not." Audrey stuck her thumbnail in her mouth. "I never told your dad about the nursing degree only because I knew he wouldn't take it well. I've never kept anything from him otherwise. I couldn't even keep you a secret."
Her daughter gave her a funny look. "What? Why'd you wanna keep me a secret?"
Audrey's face relaxed as she smiled at the memory. "Because I wanted to surprise your dad on his birthday. I thought I'd do something really cute to tell him he was going to be a dad again, but I found out I was pregnant in December and his birthday is in January. I made it exactly thirty minutes before I spilled the news and felt horribly guilty for every second I kept you from him."
Shawn gave a quiet laugh.
"Anyway," Audrey went on. "I do not like keeping this from him, especially since you two are deeply involved."
"When are you gonna tell him?" Shawn asked. He rubbed his hand on his thigh anxiously trying to rub off the sweat that was accumulating.
"As soon as possible, you will tell him everything," she said having not forgotten their earlier conversation.
Shawn sunk down on the bench. He had hoped she would feel bad enough for him to be the one be the one to do it in the end.
He should have known better.
"Dad wants to go back to the apartment," Audrey told him.
Shawn sat up, forcing Julia to do the same. "Can we go today?"
She paused and rubbed a finger over her bottom lip. "We'll see."
Julia started to ask about what they were going to talk about next, but before she could say anything, Audrey's phone sang out with the theme to the movie "Swingers".
Audrey knew without looking that it was Eli.
I got a departure date. Finally.
As much as she didn't want Katherine anywhere near her family, she did want Eli close, for his sake and Jon's.
When?
9 pm tonight.
Audrey frowned. That was an odd time to leave on a nearly three-hour drive.
Are you still driving down?
Yep.
Why so late?
You really think I know?
Audrey could feel Eli's annoyance with Kat through her phone case.
I'll let Amy and Alan know.
Might want to hire extra security in case she tries to break in to get to Jon.
She didn't appreciate the joke, but she knew Eli was under a lot of stress, so she texted back:
Lol
His response was immediate:
I'm not joking.
Audrey paused. She ran her finger over her lips as she debated what to tell him. A few minutes later she responded:
See if you can slip away and get here first.
I'll try.
She glanced over at her oldest children who were squabbling over something one of them had said. Whether Jon was fully ready or not, they needed to go back and deal with the blow that ended their family; to get that out of the way before Kat could arrive and disrupt the process.
She tapped a corner of the phone against her bottom lip and watched her son and daughter.
No, no one was going to disrupt her family again.
Maya knew Shawn was leaving to go to the apartment and that she could not go with him. Still only Julia was allowed. She was frustrated that no amount of trickery or flattery could get him to budge on his position.
This frustration came from not knowing if she loved that he didn't fall for her manipulations or hated it.
Riley assured her that she would have plenty of time with Shawn and reminded her that he and her parents promised that they could go with them to their old high school.
These reassurances weren't enough for Maya who worried that break would end before Shawn could really get to know her.
After breakfast, she stayed as close to him as he would allow, and he allowed her close as long as she helped with the dishes. She took advantage of the opportunity to info dump the details of her life on him.
She was in the middle of a Gammy Hart story when her mother's ringtone filled the kitchen.
Maya suppressed a groan. She loved her mother and loved to talk to her, but this was not the time.
"Hey!" she said, trying to sound more excited than she was as she didn't want to hurt Katy's feelings. As she turned to go into the living room, she saw Shawn give her a strange look: curious but skeptical.
Instead of leaving she sat down at the kitchen table.
Shawn sat down across from her.
It delighted her that he stayed close, but she was unnerved by the unreadable expression he watched her with.
Thinking he might want to talk to her mother, she put Katy on speaker phone and went on with her conversation, excitedly filling her mother in on their planned trip to Shawn's high school and listening to Katy's exciting life as a working actor.
She was extremely proud of her mother. It sounded like this was the break they'd been waiting for.
Shawn remained silent throughout the conversation, much to Maya's disappointment. She'd hoped they might start talking and get so lost in each other that she would have to leave the room.
Like Riley's parents sometimes did.
Or Julia's.
It was exciting that she, too, might have to leave the room soon.
But instead of looking lovestruck, Shawn looked upset.
Almost angry.
When she began goodbyes to Katy, she gave them a final opportunity to fall in love by holding the phone out to Shawn.
Much to her disappointment, he waved the phone away and pushed back from the table.
Shawn's reaction made her feel uneasy. Almost as uneasy as she felt when she had to face Uncle Jon after turning him in to the school board for kissing his wife.
This time, however, she didn't know what she had done wrong.
Shawn tapped his fingertips on the table. He glanced at her then back at his hand. "Your mom sounds pretty happy."
Maya blinked. The casual tone of the comment did not match the severe look on his face.
"Yeah," she responded cautiously. "She's kinda living her dream right now. Who wouldn't be happy about that?"
"Are you happy about it?"
She opened her mouth and closed it.
Maya knew that there was a catch in what he was asking.
Shawn, for all his "I'm not like other adults" posturing, was very much like other adults in the way he laid a trap for her in an innocent question.
But she didn't understand why Shawn Hunter, of all people, would do this to her.
He should know better.
Twitching her nose even though it didn't itch, she said warily, "I'm really happy for her. It's not often a kid gets to see their parent doing something they really wanna do."
"Maya…" There was that tone adults used to indicate they did not believe what a kid said strongly in his voice.
Her heart sank.
"Shawn…" she shot back, not about to let him have the answer he sought. She flopped against the back of the chair and folded her arms over her waist. She wasn't budging on her position even if he wasn't buying her response because his question was set against her mother somehow, and she didn't like it.
Nor did she appreciate him trying to get her turn on her mother by saying she wasn't happy with what she was doing.
She was happy.
She was.
Shawn relaxed his position and said softly, "Are you really okay with your mom being gone and not knowing when she'll be back?"
Maya shot him a disgruntled look. Shawn sounded like he had just taken a sharp right turn away from the "just like other adults" territory and it caught her off guard.
He sounded more like a friend.
Not quite Riley, but almost.
This made her even more guarded.
"I mean I miss her and wish she was with us instead," she said with a shrug. "But this is a really big deal for her. She doesn't get roles like this every day."
Shawn tapped his fingertips again on the table then shook his head. The look on his face was now just like other adults. "It's just a commercial."
Maya didn't know how to respond. She didn't like what he was implying, that a commercial wasn't good enough, that it didn't meet his standard.
A panic rose within her chest.
"It's not just a commercial, it's a foot in the door, a chance to be seen, an opportunity to get more auditions," she snapped defensively, repeating what she'd often heard her mother say when she questioned the importance of a role.
His tone was even and kind but also had that underlying note of "let's be real". "It's one commercial that won't even air here. A national commercial would be a big deal. This is not that."
His disapproval was out in the open now and Maya resented it.
"Who are you to judge my mom, anyway? My mom may have to take off sometimes, but I always know where she is and she always comes back. No one's known where've you been for twenty years or if you'd ever come back!"
Shawn stared at her.
Maya stared at him.
He pressed his lips into a thin line.
She bit her bottom lip.
A strange look passed over Shawn's face. One of pain, regret, and melancholy.
It was this look that made her realize what he was really thinking; why he was so upset. Her mouth fell open slightly. "You think my mom is like your dad, don't you?"
Shawn didn't look at her. He kept tapping his index finger on the table in short, firm beats. "Maybe not quite as bad as Chet, but her behavior and not giving me a return date concerns me. She should be able to tell me when she's comin' back for her kid."
There was only one reason Maya could find that would make him worry about that.
"You don't want me." She couldn't keep the hurt out of her voice.
He looked up sharply. "I want you," he replied fervently. "But more than anythin' I do not want you to have to go through what I did. Always wonderin' when or if someone will be home. Where's the next meal comin' from 'cause no one's there to bring groceries home."
Maya wanted to hug him for all that he went through as a kid, but his accusations against Katy prevented her from doing it. "My mom isn't like that, though, Shawn. We may not have much, but I'm fed. Always have been. And she's never not come back."
"Chet came back too," he said pointedly. Maya heard the catch in his voice. "Only to leave again. Even though he promised not to. Over and over. I was never okay with that. Never."
Maya remained quiet.
"Maya?"
She said nothing. She didn't know how to make him understand that they weren't alike in this way.
A thought came to her: in what way were they alike then?
"I want her to be happy," she said quietly, staring at her hands in her lap.
"I asked if you were happy."
"Yes," she said through gritted teeth. A nagging feeling of conscience tugged at her.
"She's setting a good example for me," she said, pushing past that feeling with more confidence that she felt. "It's important that she's happy."
"You are more important."
"I am important to her, Shawn! Why can't you see that?" Her words came out angry. His questions confused her. "She loves me."
"I didn't say she didn't, but she should be here, Maya." Shawn's eyes blazed blue righteous indignation as he held her gaze.
The thoughts in her head collided into each other and increased her confusion. Through it, one thought emerged. "Does this mean you don't want to be a part of our family?"
"Maya," he let out a weary sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose like adults do when kids miss their point. "This has nothing to do with wanting to be a part of your family or not. You know I care about you. Your mom's behavior concerns me. I can't be with your mom under these circumstances."
With all the insistence of her being important, his words made her feel anything but. "Why not?"
He let out a heavy sigh as though talking to her was exhausting. "Because I don't know your mother. She isn't here with you. Or with me and my family. She has the opportunity to be, but she's not here. And we have no idea if she'll show up or not."
He sat back and gave her a sad look. "I don't wanna see you hurt by her actions. The fact that you aren't being honest with me and are getting so defensive tells me that you are hurt."
This outraged her and she slapped her hands on the table. "So now I'm lying too?"
Shawn was unmoved. "Aren't you?"
She was, but so what? What right did he have to accuse her of that?
"Of course, I want my mom here," she glared at him. "But she's doing everything she can to be successful and make money for us, for me."
"Do you really believe that?"
Maya knew acting wasn't a reliable career and that the majority of actors, regardless of how much they were working, were also working in the service industry like her mother was. But hearing it phrased in this way did nothing but make her want to double down on defending her mother.
"Yes."
Shawn studied her for a moment, then rapped his knuckles against the table before standing up. "Okay."
Maya stared at his back as he left the kitchen, feeling lost and alone. There was no one she could go to. Riley was with her grandfather and Julia was with her mother.
Maya pulled out her phone and quickly texted Katy.
Mom I need you.
It took several minutes for her to get a response.
What's wrong?
I need you to come to Philly.
Why?
Maya paused, trying to think of what would bring her home the quickest way that wasn't an outright lie.
So we can be a family. I miss you.
Katy's response was swift:
Baby girl, I can't come right now. I'm working. I'll be home as soon as I can.
Panic grabbed her. Her mother had promised her that she'd join them in Philadelphia.
Home? I thought you were coming to Philly to get to know Shawn's family.
I can't, honey. Sorry.
Was Shawn right after all?
Mom? When are you coming back?
Before school starts.
When though? Like a date?
Have you been talking to Shawn?
Maya almost lied.
Yes.
Baby girl, I'm working. If that's not good enough for Shawn, then he isn't good enough for us.
Maya stared at her phone absolutely crushed.
All hopes for Shawn to be her dad and Uncle Jon to be her granddad were shattered in a short text.
The conversation with Maya went about as well as it could have gone considering he let her know that he had Katy in the same category as Chet and called her a liar. The fact that she didn't scream "you're not my dad!" and run away to a bus station to go back to the City was proof she was more mature and level-headed than he was at her age.
And she had not run away to a bus station; of that, he was sure.
Riley was currently sitting outside of the bathroom Maya had locked herself in. Since it was the basement bathroom there was no window to climb out of and Riley promised to alert him if she tried to run.
Shawn couldn't believe he'd become what he hated as a kid: the typical adult.
He shook his head.
Had Jon ever said to him what he'd said to Maya in the way he'd said it to her, he'd have taken off on Jon and not gone back.
Ever.
For all the arguments they'd had, for all his issues sparked by a call from Chet, he could not ever recall Jon saying anything negative about Chet to his face.
And there were plenty of negative things to say.
Jon had said them.
All of them.
But not to him.
In his routine eavesdropping on Jon and Audrey, he'd overheard Jon venting frustration with the man to her after he was supposed to be asleep. Often Jon's anger with Chet was an accurate mirror of his own and he felt vindicated and seen by Jon's rage.
But had he ever said those exact same things to his face he would have pitched a fit and made Jon's life miserable no matter what Audrey said or did.
Yet that's exactly what he did to Maya.
As he groaned at his stupidity, a hand closed around his shoulder and a voice in his ear asked, "What did you say to her?"
His head shot up. "How did you know?"
Jon shrugged, letting his hand drop. "You look exactly like me after I'd said somethin' stupid to you."
Shawn snorted and shook his head. "When did you do that?"
Jon gave him a funny look, unsure if he really didn't remember or didn't want to bring it up. "When didn't I? Especially when you first moved in."
"When I first moved in everythin' was great," Shawn countered with a fierceness that surprised him. "We were like brothers."
"Yeah sometimes. But when I tried to be dad you resented it."
Those memories were all so murky to Shawn. He could remember the road trip up the coast and all the stops at the ice rinks. He could remember arguing about dumb stuff. He remembered trying to find Jon's limits by pushing him as far as he could. But he didn't remember anything so awful that it should still bother Jon.
Clearly, their memories of that time were always going to be out of sync.
He leaned back on the arm of the couch and considered Jon's words. "It wasn't the dad part that bothered me," he said after a while. "It was the back and forth. I never knew if you were buddy, brother, dad, or a weird combo of the three."
Jon laughed and rubbed his chin. "Yeah. I never knew either and was in a constant state of panic over it."
"Seriously?" Other than the times he did something stupid enough to scare Jon into yelling at him, he never saw his father as anything but cool and laidback.
"Seriously," Jon nodded. "I used to lay awake in bed worryin' all night about what I was supposed to be to you and just as soon as I thought I'd figured it out, you showed me that I was dead wrong. Then I was back to lyin' awake at night worryin'. You know that."
"Huh," Shawn sighed. "Man, if we'd just talked back then we both woulda slept better."
Jon gave a short laugh and nodded his agreement. "Good thing Aud came along. Our communication improved a lot after she helped me figure out what I wanted to be to you."
"Yeah. Things really fell into place then."
The men fell silent as the conversation was beginning to drift too close to what tore them apart. Neither wanted to face that without Audrey.
"I know what I want to be to Maya," Shawn said finally. "But things are such I mess. I don't think it will work out."
Jon arched an eyebrow. His expression neutralized into the one he wore as a teacher that said he was listening without judgement. "Is this about Katy bein' gone?"
He nodded somberly. "I don't like it, Dad. I don't like the way she's off in LA while Maya is here. I don't like that I don't know when she's comin' back."
Jon watched his son quietly for a while in case he had more to say, then he replied, "But she has always come back. We've never had trouble gettin' in touch with her either."
"But she's still out there and not here," Shawn argued feeling increasingly irritated. He dug his fingertips into the fabric of the couch's back. "It's not, it's not…"
It had been a long time since he'd seen Shawn upset like this. Jon could see glimpses of the lost teen beneath the surface. "It's not what?" he prompted neutrally.
"It's not right!" The words thundered through the living room.
Jon, unperturbed by the outburst, was silent for a moment then said gently, "Shawn, you're lookin' at this situation through your experiences not Maya's. I know it feels like Katy takin' off is like Virna or Chet because you've never known a parent to take off and come back for any good reason other than they ran out of places to run or money. Katy isn't like that. She doesn't have addiction issues. She isn't more wrapped up in gettin' into a relationship than payin' attention to her kid. She may not always go about it the best way, but she really does want a better life for Maya than she had. It's not the same."
This defense of Katy aggravated him even more. As his father, Jon should be on his side he felt. "Are you tellin' me you approve of the way she takes off?"
Jon slid his hands into his jeans and smiled slightly, fully sympathetic to the emotional turmoil his son was in. He'd been there many times before.
"Shawn, Katy isn't just takin' off. She may seem flighty, but she does actually do a little plannin' to make the most of her time away. Those plans include leavin' Maya with people who can watch her closely and help her with school. Maya's grandmother loves her, but she's gettin' up there in age and runnin' after a teen isn't easy. She needs a break too."
None of this reassured Shawn.
"She was gonna leave Maya with me," he curtly reminded his father. "She doesn't even know me or if I'm a safe person for Maya!"
"Shawn." Jon tipped his head to the side and regarded him affectionately. "Do you think there's a chance she wanted to leave Maya with you because you're stayin' with us? That she wouldn't have if you were livin' in your own place?"
He was defiantly stubborn, but as Jon's words sank in, he just shrugged.
"What I don't like," Jon said taking a deep breath and giving him a sideways glance, "is all this matchmakin' that's been goin' on. I don't like Maya bein' so set on you as dad that she can't see anythin' else. I think Katy has stars in her eyes in that regard too. I like that a lot less than Katy tryin' to pursue her dreams from time to time."
Shawn was still unreasonably agitated with the Katy situation and Jon hit on the reason why. "I love Maya," he said after a while. "I just don't want to handle the rest of it right now."
Jon nodded. "So how much of your frustration is with Katy and how much of it is with everyone pushin' you together with her?"
Shawn didn't move. He stared straight ahead at the Matthews family picture that was updated last Christmas.
Finally, he said, "I don't want anyone who's not Angela. I'm not over her."
"Never thought you were."
Shawn glanced at him. "But I have to move on."
"Yeah." Jon also studied the family portrait. "But you don't have to move on with someone else. You can move on by yourself."
Pressure weighed him down as though someone had placed a boulder on his neck. "I dunno what to do, Dad. I've got Maya and I don't wanna lose her. And I'll lose her if I don't end up with Katy."
"With everythin' goin' on, why do you have to make this decision now?"
"Maya deserves it."
"She doesn't deserve you half-heartedly committing to her mother just to be her stepfather." His tone commanded Shawn's attention and he stood up a little straighter. "Better to be her mentor only if that's gonna be the situation."
Shawn hung his head. He didn't know how to express how overwhelming the desire to make a decision was; to check off one thing off on his massive to-do list.
"You're still runnin'," Jon told him bluntly when he didn't respond.
"What are you talkin' about?" Shawn said in confusion. "I'm here. With you. We're gonna go back to the apartment and deal with what separated us."
Jon held his gaze and wouldn't let him look away. "You aren't runnin' from me. You're runnin' from Angela." At the uncomprehending look of shock on Shawn's face, he said more gently, "You need to talk to her."
That was the last thing Shawn expected to hear his father say. "I'm sorry what?"
"You heard me."
"I did, Dad." Shawn couldn't keep the teenager in him suppressed and this came out in a whine of the unfairness of life. "She's married. Gonna have a baby with him." The bitterness around the word came as a surprise to him.
But not to Jon.
"Don't you think it's just a little bit strange that a strong, independent woman like Angela came back to ask an ex-boyfriend if she should have a baby with her husband? An ex-boyfriend she hasn't seen or spoken to in fifteen years?"
Being reminded of the reason she came back to him was like a sword slicing though him. Their entire reunion always felt like a nightmare meant to eternally torment him. Having the kids and seemingly his best friends also trying to force him and Katy together at the time made everything so much worse.
"I couldn't find her if I wanted to," he grumbled.
Jon regarded him fondly then put his arm around him. "Your mom and Angela hit it off pretty well. Big shock, I know." He looked to see if he'd gotten a smile from Shawn.
No dice.
He went on, "You know I don't do social media, and Mom does. You oughta ask her if she and Angela are connected on Instagram."
Shawn gave him a sideways glance. "They are, aren't they?"
He held back a grin and just shrugged. "Ask the woman who stays connected to everyone she's ever met."
Shawn cracked a smile at that, but a feeling of confusion hung over him.
Can I really talk to Angela again?
Even if she agreed, she was still married.
Nothing would change.
As if reading his thoughts, Jon said, "You don't need to make a decision on Angela or Katy right now. But since you're goin' through the past to make peace with it, it's worth considerin'."
The only past Shawn cared to make peace with was theirs. He shook his head resolutely. "You're more important than either of them."
After so many years of believing he'd never even be a bit player in his son's life, this overwhelmed Jon in a way he didn't anticipate.
"And you to me," he said after he made sure he had his composure intact. "We'll get through it, Shawn. This isn't somethin' that'll break us. That's already happened. Now we're just makin' sure it never happens again."
Shawn nodded.
That was true.
The worst was behind them.
A tiny, high-pitched squeak behind them caused them to turn around. The men found a teary-eyed Audrey watching them with one hand over her heart and one over her mouth.
"Why are you cryin'?" Jon asked as he held his arm out to her.
She waved him off but still walked over and accepted his embrace. She reached out to Shawn as she said, "I am not crying over seeing my husband give our son parenting and relationship advice. That's ridiculous. You're making stuff up. It's just hormones."
Jon laughed and rolled his eyes.
Shawn grabbed ahold of her and kissed her hair.
"Sure, Mama. Whatever you say."
It came as a great surprise to everyone when Audrey announced that she, Jon, Shawn, and Julia were staying overnight at the apartment. She felt that it would be less taxing on Jon if they stayed.
Bags were quickly thrown into the Yukon. Goodbyes were exchanged with the younger kids. Grayson and Jamie were unbothered that they were being left behind and Bella was just angry that someone had put on bow on her puppy's head.
She was that someone.
The family headed to the apartment after stopping for lunch at Sun Happy Breakfast Diner, the diner Jon had taken Shawn and Audrey to during his only Christmas with them together despite it being out of the way. Shawn was surprised that Marge still worked there and that she remembered him until he found out that Jon and Audrey considered Sun Happy Breakfast their place and came in frequently both together and with the kids when they were in town.
Afterwards, Audrey sent Shawn and Julia into Giant's Supermarket to pick up some essentials before finally making it to the place they once called home.
Julia grabbed her bag and armful of groceries before taking off ahead of everyone else. For a reason she couldn't explain, she wanted to get inside the apartment first.
For a short while she had the place to herself.
She stood by the couch and looked around, feeling as if she was seeing it for the first time. There was something so tangibly familiar about a place she'd only seen in pictures until just two days ago. From the colors to the feel of the different surfaces throughout the tiny place to the smells, she knew them all from her father's detailed stories.
It was as though his memories were hers.
Déjà vu?
Impossible but for some inexplicable reason she felt as though the fibers of the couch, and the dust of the aging building were intwined in her DNA.
Perhaps they were.
She had been so distracted by the excitement of the first trip and touring the place with Shawn that she hadn't truly taken in the details of where her family began. Now the stories of Shawn she had been told since she was eight days old came to life in front of her as though she was watching a TV show. Episode after episode played around her, flashing memories of a time before she was born.
Had it not been for the events that transpired here, she would not exist.
Julia took a deep breath.
Wandering over to the kitchen, she memorized the faded color patterns on the countertops. Her father had taken a box full of black and white pictures of her mother in that kitchen, but she had only heard the colors through her father's stories and had not processed them the first time.
Julia wondered if it was strange to feel so connected to a past that wasn't really hers until she remembered Shawn telling her about his experience on Bleeker Street with their dad's past.
Déjà vu.
She was so lost in thought that she didn't hear the door open behind her nor did she hear her brother or father asking what the big ideal of taking off on them was.
Instead of answering, Julia pointed to the alarm clock setting precariously on top of the stove, questioning its purpose.
"Stove clock is busted," they responded together.
For a moment they stared at each other then started to laugh.
"Still?" Jon asked incredulously.
Shawn shrugged. "Fixin' it would mean replacin' it completely. Landlord offered to fix it but wanted to put in a new year model."
"The landlord was why I never got it fixed. I wanted a new model. He wouldn't replace it. I couldn't afford to. Forgot about that."
They moved on, tossing banter back and forth from times past. Audrey leaned against the back of the couch watching them happily and occasionally joining in.
Julia watched too and felt unnecessary. She had nothing to contribute.
Not even a little.
She wasn't a part of this time.
Audrey saw the look on her face and waved her over as the men moved into the kitchen and began to put away the groceries. Julia sank onto the back of the couch next to her.
"What's wrong, honey?"
"What are you doin'?" Shawn's voice, steeped in amusement rang out.
"Nothin'," Jon replied as he took a look at the plumbing under the sink.
"Man wanders around the kitchen lookin' for somethin'. Won't tell his little buddy Shawn what it is." Shawn had trouble getting his words out without dissolving into unhinged laughter.
"You're not my little buddy. You're my kid." Jon was laughing just as hard. "Don't you dare start that man stuff with me."
"Dude's still got a problem with the word man…."
That sent them over the edge, laughing so hard they soon struggled to breathe.
Instead of laughing with them and her mother, Julia scowled and answered Audrey's question.
"You and Shawn and Daddy have all these memories here," she harrumphed, jerking her head in the direction of the kitchen. "I don't even understand what Daddy and Shawn are saying, it's like they have their own language. I'm just here."
"Don't you want to be?"
"I thought I did." She turned her back on the kitchen. "But I wasn't here then so why am I here now?"
What Shawn wanted for Christmas in 1995 didn't matter. She felt he was just saying that she didn't complain.
"But you were here."
She frowned then rolled her eyes. "I know I was born in Philly, that is not the same thing as being…here."
Audrey ran her fingers through Julia's curls. She saw jealousy flare in her eyes as she watched Jon and Shawn laugh together.
"You weren't here when Shawn was, that's true. But you were here," she insisted.
Julia gave a sigh only a teenager could expel. "Yeah, right."
"Your dad was just talking about how the last time we were in this apartment you were with us."
Confusion flickered across the girl's face. She tipped her head to the side and gave her mother a funny look. "Huh?
Audrey put her arm around Julia and gave her a squeeze. "I was pregnant with you."
"Oh." Julia knew this, but hearing it soured her mood further. "It still isn't the same."
"Maybe not to you, but it is to your Dad and me."
In an expression that was an exact copy of Jon's trademark single arched brow, she asked skeptically. "How?"
"You were a part of this story long before you were conceived, sweetheart. You know that." A dreamy look settled over Audrey's face. "Shawn asked for you at Christmas. And once he did, he never let you go. He harassed your dad endlessly about it once Dad announced his intentions of marriage and adoption. He even had a name picked out."
Audrey smiled at the memory, then went on. "Dad wasn't fully sold on having more kids, let alone wanting a boy or a girl. But it didn't take long before Shawn did sell Dad on a daughter. A son was not an option."
Julia relaxed slightly into her mother's embrace. She wrinkled her nose. "I knew Daddy wanted a girl and Shawn wanted a sister. I just didn't realize he campaigned that hard."
Audrey laughed. "The way Dad tells it he always wanted a daughter. I think he's forgotten a few details over the years."
She watched her men in the kitchen fooling around with the floorboards, looking for the loose one Shawn used to hide his bad grades under and where Jon hid extra cash as she continued. "Shawn made him fall in love with the idea of having a daughter. Your father would have been very disappointed had Grayson or Jamie been born first, I think."
Julia gave her mother a quizzical look. "Did Shawn name me?"
Audrey withdrew her hand and she stared forlornly at the space in front of her.
"No, honey, he didn't." The look on Audrey's face shifted from happy to disturbed.
"We left here with one child," she said softly, "when we were meant to leave with two. Dad insisted that Shawn be the one to put that name on the birth certificate. Neither you nor Bella have that name."
Julia felt terrible for upsetting her mother. It wasn't her intent. However, this was something she had not heard before and she was very curious about how many untold stories her parents had because of Shawn.
"What was it?"
Before Audrey could answer, a loud crash was heard from the kitchen causing them to jump. The men stared at her sheepishly with cutlery surrounding their feet.
"The drawer didn't get fixed either?" Audrey groaned, putting a hand on her hip.
Shawn grimaced and ran a hand through his hair. "That's probably one piece of nostalgia I shoulda replaced."
Without thinking Jon stooped to help pick up the silverware and was immediately lightheaded. Shawn grabbed him and directed him to the living room. Julia saw this and jumped to help her brother clean up.
Irritated with his inability to do simple things, Jon begrudgingly joined Audrey in the living room. Their children followed a few minutes later.
Once Audrey stopped fussing over him and Jon stopped loudly complaining about her fussing, the family settled into their places on the couch. With Julia it was a tighter fit, but with Audrey on Jon's lap they made it work.
"We cannot sleep like this though," Jon remarked looking at his wife.
"Trust me, lover, I'd be way more uncomfortable than you."
Shawn caught Julia's attention and winked. "Lover? Ew, gross. You gonna start makin' out now too?"
"Should we leave?" Julia jumped in unable to contain her giggles.
"Yes, get out!" Jon ordered. He too dissolved into laughter.
Merriment gave way to storytelling.
Julia couldn't help but notice that these were all the same stories from the first time they came to the apartment. She knew they had not run out of stories, nor had they forgotten any- no one was old enough to be repeating them like Mr. Feeny sometimes did.
When Shawn started telling about the triple dog dare he issued to get their parents to kiss, Julia gave a frustrated sigh. It wasn't that she didn't like the story or think it was funny; it just started to lose its appeal after the fifth retelling in 48 hours.
"What about Dutch Wonderland?" Julia blurted out, unable to hold in her boredom any longer.
Audrey raised her brow slightly, more at the sudden outburst than at the question.
The men's reaction was much different.
Color drained from their faces, and they went silent.
Julia didn't understand this response. From what she understood the trip to Dutch Wonderland in Lancaster was where her mother's prized photo of her and Shawn came from.
Jon pressed his mouth into Audrey shoulder making it look like he was glaring. Shawn shifted uncomfortably and cleared his throat several times.
"What?" Julia asked in bewilderment.
Audrey watched her men closely as she lazily traced circles across Jon's palm.
No one said anything.
Julia stared at them. "I thought the trip was a good one?"
Silence.
Then Jon said almost reverently, "It was."
"The best ever," Shawn replied with the same revere.
"So what's wrong?" she impatiently prodded.
"It was the last time we were together." There was heavy sadness in Audrey's voice.
Julia turned to stare at her mother. "I thought you went over a weekend or something and that the last time you were together was at the apartment the day before your student teaching ended."
"Not quite," Jon said. There was a bitter edge to his voice.
Julia fell back against the couch. Her hair splayed over both her brother and father. "I'm confused on the timeline."
"We had one day in the apartment after we got back from Lancaster," Audrey said softly. "Monday was a school holiday. That gave Katherine time to take everything she found in the apartment to Mr. Feeny. I was called in early Tuesday morning and informed of the school board's decision." Her eyes teared up and she clutched Jon's hand tightly. "I kissed your dad and brother goodbye that morning and didn't see them again until June when they came to the City to get me."
Silence fell again.
Jon's face was hidden by his hand.
Shawn's face was twisted with tormented anguish.
Julia grabbed their hands and held on tightly.
"Everything I gained she took away from me." Shawn's words came in heartbroken gasps. "I had everything I wanted. All the paperwork was ready to go. All the plans to sign it, the celebration party, everything was ready. And she took it all away."
Tears spilled over and rolled down his cheeks, disappearing into his beard. "She took my life from me."
Jon reached out to Shawn over Julia and pulled him over to him, wrapping him in a hug that smashed mother and daughter awkwardly into each other.
Julia, with eyes full of tears, stared at Audrey. "Celebration party? No one ever told me about that."
She sank into her mother and watched her father and brother hold onto each other in silence. A soft hand swept the hair out her eyes.
"Your dad had very big plans for us," she told her.
Her voice was tight and pained.
"We were so close…"
AN: Thank you so much for spending time with me. I truly appreciate it and your comments. Hope you are all well.
Several stories from the series are mentioned here:
Sun Happy Dinner- Christmas to Last a Lifetime
How stories of Shawn bonded Jon and Julia- When One Door Closes (this story is only available on AO3 and is by the incredible Mirandabelle)
Dutch Wonderland and the picture of Shawn and Audrey- The Return
Songs that Audrey sings to Jon while baking for Shawn's birthday- yet to be published chapter of Birthday Wishes
Also, Audrey's ringtone for Eli is The Swingers theme because that was the movie Alex Desert was filming at night while he was filming Boy Meets World during the day.
Shawn's "I don't wanna go to school, Daddy" and subsequent memory is from the season 5 episode "Sixteen Candles and 400 Pound Men".
Next: Flashback-
Jon and Shawn plan on surprising Audrey with a special Mother's Day trip while Audrey and Shawn plan a special Father's Day for Jon.
Jon has plans to make signing the legal guardian paperwork a big deal with an added surprise for Shawn.
But they only make it to Mother's Day…