AN: Well, hello again! Sorry, didn't mean to be gone so long. RL has been something else, and my writing time has been really broken up. If you want to be kept up to date with what's going with AiP and related stories, delays/hiatus, fan art, snippets etc. follow me on Tumblr (info in my profile). You don't need an account to view mine.
I hope 2025 will be better than it's started for everyone. Happy New Year!
The flashback in this chapter is based on the season four episode "I Never Sang for My Legal Guardian". Dialogue is directly from that episode.
Cory and Topanga.
Jon and Audrey.
And him with them.
His brother.
His sister.
His father.
His mother.
He wouldn't accept anything else.
He couldn't.
"I didn't. I didn't accept anything but you and Mom together the wayIwanted you together." Shawn closed his eyes and pressed his thumbs into the corners of his eyes trying to resist attempting to wish himself back to the past to slap his teen self into not to being an idiot and being patient instead. "I didn't even try to adapt; I refused to bend even a little. And it cost me twenty years."
After a moment of internal struggle to forgive that desperate teenager, he looked up at Jon seeking answers almost as desperately as he had been back then.
"How did it happen, Dad? How did that one event set everything up so that I followed the same path you took with Pops? Pops took you in. You took me in. He got you through a bad time. You got me through a bad time. Then you took off on him, got a career, and took twenty years to go back home. I took off on you, got a career, and took twenty years to come back home. I even came back home at the same age you were when we met. How is that even possible?"
Jon stared at the rug under his feet in silence for a long while then shook his head. "I don't know, Shawn. Life is really not funny sometimes. Because you livin' my life was my greatest fear." He paused with his hand over his mouth then said, "Somehow I wonder if our fears actually triggered those events."
Shawn mulled this over. It made sense, especially given how similar they were. Neither did well with change. "Yeah, maybe."
He stared at the papers in his hands. Seeing both Jon and Audrey's name on them was surreal. As was the fact that they were real and not a figment of one of his teenage dreams. Long ago, he had seen the legal guardianship papers with Jon's name only on them. They were the ones Jon dragged his heels in signing after Audrey was gone. They were the ones that tore at their relationship because they remained unsigned.
He groaned and briefly closed his eyes again as the answers to the questions he had back then came to him clearly now.
"Well, something like that will change your life forever, man."
Eli was on his way out as Shawn was on his way in. The words stirred up a hope he'd been trying to bury since Jon's hearing. Any life-changing event had to be related to getting Audrey in New York.
Jon was going to take his advice after all!
He tried to keep his tone as nonchalant as possible as he hung up his leather jacket. He glanced around Eli to see Jon in the kitchen cooking. "What'll change your life forever?"
Eli gave him a tight smile and nothing else. "See you guys later," he said quickly exiting the apartment while avoiding Shawn's eyes.
Jon didn't look overly happy to see him. "Hey Shawn, I thought you were gonna eat dinner over at the Matthews."
The look on Jon's face told him that whatever Eli was referring to, it wasn't Audrey. He tried not to jump to conclusions about what life-changing event Jon was considering without her. He swallowed back the negative feelings lurking beneath the surface, tucked a stray lock of hair behind his ear and shrugged.
"Yeah, I was but, uh, I'm tired. I wanted to turn in early."
Trying to distract himself from the worst-case scenarios that his mind wanted him to embrace, Shawn glanced down at at the meal. All of Jon's attempts had been lack-luster since Audrey's departure.
"Chicken A L'Tang." He tried not to grimace at the dish he once thought of as a high-class meal when he first moved in. "What's the special occasion?"
"I gotta date." Jon's smile glitched for a moment as he himself tried not to grimace at both the meal and the reason for it. "But hey, you know, I can easily stretch it three ways."
They stared at each other for a moment as uncomfortable silence swelled around them. She hadn't been mentioned since their last blowup about going to the City in the summer to get her. They had been too busy struggling to get along and live together. Shawn resented everything about the situation, but he resented Jon's attitude and refusal to try to make their family work most. Jon tried to pretend everything was normal and that Audrey never happened, which only infuriated him more.
Shawn resented that he was dating again.
So strong was his resentment that he was ready to go back to Chet and he made sure Jon knew it every chance he got. So he flipped through the mail as though he didn't care what Jon did and held up a handful of letters.
"Hey," his faux smile was much better than Jon's, "I finally got another letter from my dad." There was an ever so slight emphasis on "my dad". He didn't so much so much as look at Jon as he said this. Shawn held the envelope close to his nose as he scrutinized the address.
A silent "you're not my dad" hung in the air between them.
Jon faltered for a moment, then recovered enough to ask casually, "Where is he now?"
"He's still at that truck stop in Readin'."A cold bitterness settled over Shawn as he stared at the letter and imagined Chet sitting at the truck stop laughing it up with whoever else was there with not one care in the world.
Disgusted, he tossed the letter in the trash.
"What'd you do that for?" Jon stared at him, completely dumbfounded. He couldn't understand the teen anymore. All day every day he had to hear about Chet and how much Shawn wanted to be with him. Every day he watched Shawn excitedly get the mail hoping for a letter, then make excuses for why Chet hadn't written yet.
Now the letter was finally here, and it went straight into the trash.
"It's fifty miles from here, Jon. I mean the least he could do is come visit me." Shawn struggled to keep a straight face. He was angry and hurt by both Chet and Jon and he didn't know what to do about it.
Jon walked away from building a real family with him and refused to even try to make it work. Chet walked away from the family he had with him and refused to even stop by to say "Hey, kid, how are ya?". Shawn wanted to hate them both, but all he could feel was the familiar numbness of rejection.
Jon saw the look and felt horrible. His conversation with Eli came back to him and although he didn't have quite everything ready he knew Shawn needed some hope even if it wasn't quite in the form he wanted. But doing what Audrey wanted him to do with Shawn was a start.
Right?
"Hey, you know, Shawn, I spoke to an attorney today," he said a little too cheerfully as he walked around the kitchen counter to close the distance between them. "A couple of signatures and I'm your legal guardian."
An attorney? Not the family attorney Jon had been working with for the past few months?
Shawn's eyes narrowed slightly.
"I thought you did that months ago," he said in accusatory tone even though he knew Jon hadn't. That's what the cancelled big celebration at Chubbie's had been for after all. But if Jon wanted to play a game where Audrey didn't exist, he would crush him at it.
The remark caused Jon to falter. Months ago, before Audrey's involvement, Chet had sent him the guardianships papers. Once Audrey became a part of their lives, that solo signing was put on hold. Shawn knew that, so why was he acting like he didn't?
Then he realized they were playing the game again, the one they played since Audrey left. Apparently the game was now constant.
"Well, I got the forms." Jon couldn't look the teen in the eyes. "I just never got around to fillin' them out."
Another lie to rewrite the past year.
Shawn hated hated the game, and he was beginning to hate his opponent.
"'Got around to fillin' them out'?" Frustration and defiance flared in his eyes. "I'm so sorry my life didn't fit into your busy schedule."
After the hearing, they intentionally became too busy for each other. Both were out of the apartment whenever possible. Sometimes Shawn told Jon he was going out with a random girl and not to wait up. In reality, he sat for hours on the roof staring at the stars, cursing everything and everyone who had wronged him in any way or crying out for forgiveness, making bargains with Whoever was listening if only he could have his family- the one with Jon and Audrey- back.
Then sometimes Jon told him that he was going out on a date with some random woman and not to wait up before sending him to Cory's. In reality, he rode through the city aimlessly drifting through the night trying to get away from the emptiness that plagued him.
One time, they met each other on the roof.
Jon stared at him for a moment, unsure of how to respond. He hated the game. He hated that he started it and didn't know how to end it once and for he tried to stop it, Shawn had one condition for a ceasefire and that was that they get Audrey as soon as school was over. This forced him to explain again why that was impossible. Then the shouting and arguing commenced.
And the game started over.
"Whoa, whoa, Shawn!" He tried to communicate how hard this was for him, how lost he was, without saying it hoping the teen would catch on. "Hey, cut me some slack. I'm just tryin' to do the right thing."
The temptation to snark rudely back and call Jon a liar was strong, but it instantly dissipated when he saw the pleading look in Jon's eyes. Mr. Matthews words about Jon losing the love of his life and his fear of losing him came back to him.
"Yeah. Yeah, I know you are." He turned aways to get his jacket, feeling guilty about his attitude until he remembered why he was leaving again.
Jon had a date coming over and he was expecting an empty apartment.
There could only be one reason for that.
He wanted his date to sleep over.
In the same apartment Audrey used to sleep over with them.
Tears sprang up in his eyes, but he put them out with the fire of anger and righteous indignation. Then he turned and pointed his finger at Jon with fake smile and condescending tone, "Hey, enjoy your date."
Then he grabbed his jacket and left.
Shawn stood outside the apartment, feeling the maelstrom of fear and guilt churning in his gut.
In their previous life, he never would have made it out of door if he had spoken to Jon like that. His butt would have been parked in his room for a couple of weeks if he stormed out like he just had.
But in their previous life, the conversation wouldn't have happened. Jon's date would have been Audrey, and he would not have offered to stretch dinner would have been prepared that way. And it would have been chicken Á L'Orange, not Á L'Tang.
But that life was over.
Jon was bringing a date over for the night.
That his teacher could so easily forget the woman he planned on marrying in favor of a one-night stand turned guilt into bitterness. Shawn felt no remorse for the misery he was putting Jon through.
He deserved every bit of it and more.
Shawn now realized the paperwork Jon was referring to back then was the paperwork he had before Christmas, before Audrey was a part of their lives and their family was solidified. Not the paperwork he held in his hands right now. Jon abandoned pursuing the original paperwork in order to fulfill his Christmas list. One thing led to another and to Jon and Audrey filing jointly.
That Christmas list changed everything for them.
Looking back at it, every conversation they had leading up to Chet's return was based on the way things were before that unforgettable Christmas. It was as though Audrey's exile had thrown them back in time to before she was such an ingrained part of their lives, effectively erasing the months in between.
As he thought back to that time and years that followed, Shawn frowned at the papers in his hands. "I didn't remember any of this until now."
A frown flashed across Audrey's face, and she put down her teacup. "What do you mean?"
"I... I don't know how to explain it." He pursed his lip together tightly. Those years of his youth that had been too dark to see clearly continued to come into view with a clarity that unnerved him. "I didn't remember any of these details until we started talkin' about them. When I first came home, I asked Dad what happened after Feeny sent you away because I genuinely didn't remember any of this."
He paused looking stunned and feeling slightly dazed.
"I remember Dad goin' to see Feeny the second time, not the first." Shawn looked up Audrey as though focusing on her would help him understand. "I remember you bein' gone, Mom. I remember Dad and I had a lot of trouble gettin' along. I remember all that and runnin' into Chet at the police station. But I didn't remember bein' with Dad before he saw Feeny, and I didn't remember any of what happened at the Matthews until just now."
He looked up at them in bewilderment. "But now everything is so clear- like it just happened. What is wrong with me?"
Audrey smiled ruefully as she reached out for Jon's shoulder and ran her fingertips lovingly over the seam of his shirt. "I don't think anything is wrong with you, honey. It's not all that surprising you repressed so much. You had a tendency to do that anyway and to embellish the memories you wanted to hold onto. Jon did that too after you went back to Chet."
Jon nodded. He glanced at Shawn then at the papers he held. "Took a long time before I could face any of it. After we came back to Philly for Julia's birth, we finally sat down and talked with Alan and Amy, with George, to piece everythin' back together."
He paused as he pressed the tips of his fingers together. "For a long time after that, I regretted we had that conversation. I purposely forgot those things for a reason."
"I did too", Audrey sighed. "That conversation sent Jon into decades of self-flagellation and regret." She regarded Jon with a strange sorrow. "But I don't know, not dealing with those memories then may have resulted in something much worse."
"Like what?" Shawn asked worriedly. The tone of her voice chilled him.
Jon took Audrey's hand and gave it a tight squeeze. "I told you we almost divorced."
"Yeah."
"I had a lot of anger over what happened at that hearin' and then over the accident. Took it out on your mom," he admitted ashamedly. 'If Alan hadn't gotten through to me about facin' the past, you would have come home to me and Aud split up. And probably with other people."
Shawn had put Jon's mention of divorce completely out of his mind shortly after coming home. He assumed they'd just a hit a rough patch and got help before it went critical. This new revelation was deeply upsetting. "Mom, was it that bad?"
"Yeah, it was." Audrey leaned into Jon. "Being in the hospital for so long and incapacitated brought all that anger to the surface. Coming home without you there made everything worse. As infatuated as I still was with your dad, I did get to the point where I was ready to leave. I didn't know what else to do."
Shawn stared at them in stunned silence. Before he could say anything, he felt a weight press into his shoulder.
It was Julia. She sat on the arm of the couch and leaned him into anxiously. He took this to mean she hadn't heard this part of their family's story before.
Jon reached over and put a hand on his shoulder. "But Alan also got a hold of me and gave me a harder shake than he gave you. Really glad he did."
The men lapsed into silence, each sitting with the same stance- leaning forward with their forearms resting on their thighs and staring at their hands.
"I hate that witch!" Julia suddenly announced.
Shawn looked up at her in surprise having momentarily misheard her. Then he smiled bemusedly as he recalled the times he'd used milder versions of curse words to circumvent Jon's no foul language rule. However, Julia wasn't using "witch" in the same context he would have been when he was a teen.
Witch was essentially the limit of Julia's swearing.
The thought made him stop smiling as a strange sadness fell over him.
When he was a kid, most used forbidden language simply because it was forbidden or to fit in with the group whose favor they sought. Many used it at school and other places kids congregated in defiance of the double standard imposed on them at home where the adults could freely curse but the same words would bring them punishment.
In his life before and after Jon, Shawn found this language was often the only way to fully express life as he knew it. It was common and often felt necessary to serve as a reminder that the world was not gentle and kind, but harsh and unforgiving.
Vulgar.
Julia did not know that world.
Her world was still insulated in the warmth and love Jon and Audrey had created for their children, an extension of the one they originally created for him. While they did not shield her from the realities of life, hearing about it was not anywhere close to experiencing it. Despite being fifteen and closer to adulthood than childhood, she still had an air of innocence and wonder about her.
Shawn shuddered as he stared at his sister's gray eyes and soft features. He did not want her to know that world and a new fear was unlocked- that she would step out from under their parents' protection and meet a harsh world.
And it would break her.
The thought terrified him.
He didn't understand how their parents could sleep at night with that looming over them. Or how they could keep having kids with the world he knew was outside their doorstep waiting to devour those children. Suddenly the desire to bring children into the world left him completely. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he did not want kids.
Ever.
This realization brought with it a tremendous amount of guilt because it extended beyond biological children to adopted ones as well. It was impossible for him to protect any child from the world he knew. It might be cowardice, but he knew he could not bear the weight of that responsibility, and the fear of failing potential future children was unbearable.
Jon might be able to handle it, but, as much as he wished he were exactly like his father, he was not, and he could not lie to himself about that when the stakes were so high. He would much rather disappoint Maya and have her hate him forever than ruin her life.
"Shawn? You okay? You looked like you blue screened for a second," Julia remarked worriedly when she saw him staring at her with the same unchanging expression. "You didn't say one thing about her."
Apparently a conversation about Kat happened without him.
He cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinkin'."
To distract himself from this startling insight, he mulled over what Jon said about divorce. However, that made things infinitely worse. Not wanting to consider an alternate universe where Jon and Audrey divorced nor ready to address how it almost happened, Shawn steered the conversation back to the memory they had just discussed.
"So Mr. Feeny wasn't really against you and Mom all that time," Shawn said thoughtfully. "He was just givin' you a hard time because he had your best interest in mind?"
"Yeah, pretty much," Jon replied. "He was a really good support after that. I wouldn't have continued teachin' after the accident if it hadn't been for him. I was ready to pack up your mom up and bring her down here until you graduated. And do anything but teach."
Shawn nodded, not so much surprised by that as he was that he never considered that was his former principal's motive with his teachers when it had always been his motive for his students. But there was one thing that had always bothered him about Mr. Feeny that returned to nag him. "Then why didn't he want you take me in? He seemed so against that. Did he think I wasn't in your best interest?"
Jon dropped his head and gave it a slight shake then he looked up at Shawn with a cocky smile. "You'll have to ask him about that."
Shawn stared at him for a moment as his reunion with Audrey came rushing back. How many times did he ask her a question about Jon and her only reply was to "ask Jon"?
He rolled his eyes and groaned in faux exasperation. "You're pullin' a Mom on me."
Jon's grin grew as he sat back and put his arm around his wife. "Or she pulled a me on you."
"No, she didn't," he shot back flatly and smiled at Jon's overly dramatic reaction. "But I've already asked Mr. Feeny if we can talk before we go back to New York."
Jon chuckled. "Good."
"Okay, so I have to ask Feeny about his issue with me and you. Then what about this Yancy and Sorrell?" Shawn frowned at the names. "I remember Dr. Sorrell..."
In exasperation, Jon rolled his eyes at the name and Audrey groaned.
"He wasn't a doctor, was he?"
"Bought that PhD from a mail order diploma mill."
"Of course he did," Shawn briefly wondered if that was common in academia. He had heard a lot about the unscrupulous businesses that would sell degrees for the right amount of cash. He'd even watched Eric fall for the scam. "So I rememberMr. Sorrell but not Yancy. You told me he was Topanga's advanced math teacher, but I don't remember ever hearin' about him from her."
Once he said it, he couldn't remember ever talking about any teacher who wasn't Mr. Feeny, Jon, Eli, or Miss Tompkins beyond the semester they had them for.
"So Yancy was a principal you fired for his bias against Harper and firin' her and Cory." Shawn stopped abruptly as he realized that he wasn't sure what Jon had told him about Yancy and what Audrey had told him. Rather than say anything that might give away that he knew more than he should, he asked, "What happened between you guys at John Adams?"
Jon sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "My first two years were so wrapped up in dealin' with George and you and Aud that I honestly don't remember Yancy and that has always angered him. He thinks he's unforgettable," he snorted derisively. "Sorrell inserted himself into situations with you and Aud enough that I had to deal with him outside of school and faculty poker games."
"I remember Eric said Feeny threatened to fire him during one game."
"Yeah, but he quit. Then came back and Feeny finally got enough on him to fire him for good."
"How?"
"Long story," Jon said, not looking overly thrilled with revisiting the situation. "But what it came down to was they had a little blackmail and bribery ring goin' on and George needed help provin' it. They'd already been hasslin' me about join their 'business', so it was a perfect setup to get the proof George needed to get rid of them both."
"A spy. Nice. Cool even," Shawn nodded approvingly and very much looked forward to hearing this story. Then he frowned. "Why didn't I know about it?"
Jon's smile faded. "Because it happened your junior year."
"Oh." Shawn said flatly. There was another thing he'd deprived himself of.
"It caused a lot of commotion," Jon went on. "It wasn't somethin' you kids would have noticed. The only thing that changed at school was that Yancy and Sorrell were replaced with subs until their positions could be filled the next year. It was a bigger deal in the press since school board members were involved. Ruffled a lot of feathers, then died down and life went on."
"Yancy obviously recovered from the scandal. What happened to Sorrell?"
Jon frowned and looked at Audrey who shrugged. "I don't know. I've never really thought about it either."
"Huh," Shawn said. He thought about the threatening texts Jon didn't know he'd been receiving and wondered if it was possible Sorrell was the one they were coming from. When he looked up, Audrey's gray eyes were stormy and bore into him.
We're changing the subject, they told him.
"I think," Audrey said stretching her legs. "We need to take a little break. Do something fun."
Jon smirked at her. "You got an activity schedule?"
"Of course she does," Julia gave an exaggerated eye roll. "It's Mom."
Audrey picked up one of the throw pillows and popped her daughter on the back of the head. "What's that supposed to mean?" she challenged.
Her mother gave her a wicked warning side-eye but Julia also the saw the barely contained smile. Julia grinned at Shawn.
"Pretty sure she means you're a control freak," he laughed.
Moments later, he was met with a pillow to the mouth.
Jon shook his head and said solemnly, "My son and daughter, so smart and yet so very dumb."
Audrey gave him a curious look. "You got anything else to say?"
He thought about it for a moment. "Nope, they didn't get their dumbness from me."
Shawn and Julia realized what he was unintentionally implying and jumped to toss him a pillow so he could defend himself from his wife.
They were too late.
"I've only ever been up to Dre's roof," Julia told Shawn. She was standing next to him inspecting one of the drains. "His apartment has a green roof. This place looks dystopian compared to that. Like something out of the 'Hunger Games'."
Shawn took a deep breath as he took in the familiar sights. Once upon another life, he loved that about the roof and being a part of it. Its eerie desolation fit his mood to a "t" back then.
"Yeah," he said as a wave of nostalgia hit. "It's great isn't?"
Julia looked around and shrugged. "I guess," she said not seeing the allure in the gray and brown objects that littered the roof. "If you don't have to live up here."
He considered this for a moment then looked around again. Suddenly the hellish world he once fancied himself the anti-hero of seemed mundane and bleak.
"Hey what's that?" Julia leaned over the debris clogging the area around the drain.
Shawn glanced at where she was pointing. "Pigeon poop."
Julia reeled back away from the pipe, bumping into Shawn. "Ew, gross! I don't like birds and pigeons are pests."
"What bird bit you?" he chuckled.
Julia made a face. "Cockatoo. Went over to a friend's house and her grandma had one. It was never in its cage. Deranged little psycho."
Shawn's face froze for a moment, caught between amusement and shock. He didn't expect that she'd actually been bitten by a bird.
Julia forgot about the childhood experience before Shawn could respond. "Did you really spend a lot of time up here?"
"Yeah, before Mom came to stay with us. And after she was gone."
"Why?"
Shawn shrugged as he stared at the horizon. "I dunno. Dad and I got in each other's way a lot in the beginning. Sometimes he'd have a date, and I wouldn't. I didn't know what to do with myself, especially if Cory was busy so I'd just go up to the roof and pretend I could see the different galaxies through the smog. Sometimes I'd bring my journals and write. Sometimes I'd bring my Discman."
"And after Mom?"
"Everything changed." A sadness washed over him as he recalled meeting Jon on the roof after lying to each other about having a date. "I didn't really want to do anything or be around anyone. Especially Dad. I was still so angry with him. While I was up here, I somehow managed to convince myself that Chet was a good guy and who I wanted to be with."
Julia looked disgusted. "After everything you and Mom and Daddy went through? After what Chet did to you?"
Shawn felt a similar disgust. "I know it makes no sense," he admitted. "I really can't explain it. I just daydreamed myself into another fantasy life. In this one my bio dad came back, and everything was okay because nothin' is more important than blood."
Julia was skeptical. "Your bio dad did come back."
"And everything was not okay," Shawn confirmed. "Blood means nothin'."
"I know I'm jumping ahead but why did Chet come back for you then let you go with Daddy to get Mom?"
This was another question that had plagued Shawn over the years. Chet never gave him a real answer, so he had to speculate, which wasn't hard to do.
"He regretted comin' back almost right away." Shawn's gaze drifted to the horizon again. In his mind's eye, he saw Chet sitting next to him at the jailhouse moments before Jon walked in. "He wasn't gonna come back," he told her. "He was sittin' in gas station just over an hour away and never bothered to see me or call. Cory believed me when I said I wanted Chet over Dad, so he went out there with Topanga. Convinced him to come back because things were gettin' so bad between me and Dad."
A familiar hot irritation snaked through him at the thought. Both Chet and Virna came back because Cory guilted them into it, not because they cared about him. Bitterness bristled and Shawn quickly went on, "When Dad asked to take me to get Mom with him, Chet said yes right away. He knew they still wanted me and that was his way out without looking like the bad guy. He just never dreamed Mom would say no and he'd be stuck with me. Or that Virna would come back."
Julia slipped her arms around his and leaned her cheek against his leather-clad shoulder. "Mom and Dad never told me what happened during that trip."
This surprised Shawn. If nothing else, he figured Jon had turned the situation into a humorous "she said no, and I had to keep askin'" story. "Really?"
She nodded. "The story always starts with Daddy going to get Mom on his own. It's only mentioned that you and Daddy went together, and Mom said no. Whenever I'd ask questions about it, the answer was always 'some other time'."
He shivered not from cold but from embarrassment as he recalled how badly that trip ended and how horribly he treated Audrey. He buried his fists deeper in his pockets. Julia tightened her grip on him.
"Once I started travelin' I purposely stopped rememberin' that trip outside of the hurt- I relived that a lot." He paused then mused more to himself than his sister, "I wonder how much of that I've forgotten."
"Does it worry you that you can't remember big parts of your past?"
Worry was an understatement. The fog that surrounded a portion of his life had always been frightening and better left untouched.
"Yeah, it does. Worries me even more about the parts Cory, Dad, and I don't remember."
Julia turned her head and pressed her chin into his shoulder. "Two years?"
"Two years."
The siblings stood shoulder to shoulder watching the pigeons perched on the parapet wall of the building across from them. After a while Julia turned her attention to the air conditioning towers and masonry behind them.
These were the places Shawn spent so much time when he was her age.
It was a world foreign to her.
Actually, all of Shawn's life was foreign to her except the year he spent with their parents. It wasn't the first time she thought about it, it was just that it resonated in a new way now. For this place of gloomy depression to be a comfort and refuge from life, she could not wrap her head around it.
For the first time she realized how sheltered she'd been her entire life. She looked back over her shoulder to the edge of roof where Shawn still stood. Suddenly the world she had been so eager to run off to join with Dre seemed like a terrifying place and she did not want to grow up and leave their family.
She did not want to grow up and leave their father.
The fearful tightening of her grip on his hand to bone breaking levels caused Shawn to turn in time to see the look on her face. While they shared no DNA, they did share the same expressions for the same emotions. Shawn saw the same fear of meeting the world that he had for her reflected in her eyes.
The desire he had as a teen to protect his baby sister in the way he could not protect his older sister proved to be a far stronger instinct than he was prepared for. It rose up around him and threatened to carry him away like a riptide. With his free hand he pulled her closer and held on tightly to her.
If such a feeling was supposed to be strongest when he had his own children, Shawn didn't think he could stand it. This fear was too intense, too consuming, too impossible to escape. Once again, his resolve not to have children was strengthened.
Maya...
Against his will, his thoughts turned to the spunky blonde who was so desperate for a father that she would take a semi-fictional one her best friend created for her. Maya didn't have a choice about being in this world; a world she'd already met part of and been struck down by.
The feeling of not wanting children did not waver.
It occurred to him that at one time Jon was certain he did not ever want children too. Now, twenty years later he had five if he didn't include himself.
And since he was living so much of Jon's life over...
The feeling didn't waver exactly but shifted slightly. Maybe if he could see Julia off to the world first and if she fared okay, then maybe he could think about having children of his own.
Or he could consider being someone's father.
They stood together for a moment more before Shawn led the way to the door. As they headed back inside still holding onto each other, a bright multi-color flash blinded them.
Julia rubbed her eyes irritably with one hand. "What's that?"
"I dunno," Shawn replied still squinting. He let go of her for a moment to search.
As he walked over to the mechanical penthouse, the sun shone in his eyes forcing him to close them. When he opened them again he saw the source of the color flash.
An old CD in a shattered case.
With a heavy dose of déjà vu, Shawn bent down to pick it up.
August and Everything After by the Counting Crows, released: September 14, 1993.
Shawn opened the case, and a piece of plastic fell out into his hand. The teeth locking the disc in place dissolved at his touch, but the CD itself was miraculously unharmed. He stared at it in awe as the years dissolved away and he was fifteen again, standing alone on the roof, as one of the soundtracks of his teen years reached a crescendo around him.
I got an attitude of need so help me stay awake, I'm falling...
Maybe someday, I won't be so lonely, and I'll walk on water every chance I get...
Love is a ghost train, howling on the radio. "Remember everything" she said, "when only memory remains"...
Pass me a bottle, Mr. Jones. Believe in me. Help me believe in anything. 'Cause I wanna be someone who believes...
Smiling in the bright lights coming through in stereo. When everybody loves you, you can never be lonely...
After all the dreaming, I come home again...
He stared at the unmarked CD in his palm. He had been so careful with it as this form of media was so much more expensive than cassette tapes for him. He cleaned it with his softest, cleanest shirts to keep it free of scratches.
Now, after nearly two decades on a lonely Philadelphia rooftop and it was still unscratched.
How did I never see this before?
Suddenly memories flooded his mind as blindingly bright and colorful as the prism off the back of the CD in the shattered case; memories of his family-Jon and Audrey. Every good moment with them. They were still untarnished after decades of being left behind to the decay of time. Despite the splintered pieces of his life that surrounded them, those memories remained untouched.
The memories were loud and strong. Stronger than the broken ones.
Shawn smiled. He had no doubt the compact disc would play as crisply as it did the last time he listened to it.
"Shawn?" Julia stood a couple of feet ahead of him, watching him worriedly.
"I always wondered what happened to it," he said in awe. Gently he wiped the back of the disc outward from the center in straight strokes with the hem of his shirt.
"What is it?"
He showed it to her, but having grown up on the Boss and Joel, synth pop and new wave, she was unimpressed. "When did you lose it?"
"The day Chet moved me out of the apartment he was two hours late. Big shock." Shawn shook his head as he recalled how hard it had been to hype himself up to leave Jon. "Dad wasn't home. He said goodbye and took off on the Harley. So I sat up here with my Discman and listened to this on repeat until Chet finally showed up. I thought I got all my stuff, but I lost track of a lot of things. Mainly because I left with a lot more than I came with."
He didn't realize how much Jon had spoiled him until he moved out.
Unbidden, the memory of Chet carrying off Jon's TV came back. That act and Chet's attitude that Jon owed him for taking care of him still angered him. Jon spent more than he made on him and Chet couldn't be bothered to spend a dime on him while he was out chasing Virna. He didn't spend much more than a dime on him after he came back either.
Stifling the memories that he couldn't deal with out of order, Shawn continued, "Anyway, after I got back to the trailer park I needed to get lost pretty quickly and this album was the soundtrack of my life. I was so upset I couldn't find it. Never had the money to replace it until college."
He turned it over in his hand unable to believe it had weathered the years with no sign of stress.
"Can I have it?" Julia eyed the disc then gave him a sweet look complete with batting eyelashes.
Shawn looked at her curiously. "Why?"
"Family history," she said and held out her hand.
He smiled fondly at his youth then handed it to her. "It's yours."
Julia took it and carefully tucked it into the inside pocket of her jacket.
"Do you know how to clean those?" he asked as he put his arm across her shoulders and led the way back to the door.
Julia arched an eyebrow. "Have you met our father?"
"Yeah, that's why I'm askin'," Shawn laughed. "I don't doubt you know the pen trick for cassettes, but can you clean a CD correctly?"
Julia rolled her eyes in faux annoyance. "Daddy did join the late twentieth-century and its preferred audio format." The corner of her eyes crinkled up in a sarcastic expression. "Just in time for MP3s to take over."
He knew exactly what she meant. "Mom got rid of the cassettes."
She grinned. "Mom stored them in the basement next to the vinyls after she replaced everything with CDs."
"Ah, so Dad forgot about the cassettes."
"Yeah, thank goodness!" she laughed.
Before entering the building again, Shawn turned to look at the rooftop world that was once a citadel of his teenage angst and escape from all the darkness that engulfed him. For years after he moved to New York and then onto globetrotting, he longed to return to the familiar bizarre comfort of this roof. Once he finally bought the apartment, he spent a lot of time crafting alternate pasts and presents for himself until he settled on one that made him less depressed.
This was home.
Of it was.
For the first time, he felt no desire to return.
For the first time, it was just a roof.
Julia abandoned him while he was lost in the past and was already inside, shouting that she'd race him after giving herself a full flight of stairs head start. He groaned but was unable to resist the childish challenge. He was about to chase after her with intent to beat her back to their parents when his text notifications went off.
And it brought him crashing back to his adult reality. His heart skipped a beat as apprehension over who was texting shot through him, and he wondered what the text would threaten Jon with this time. Then he remembered that even if it was Jon's mystery blackmailer, he couldn't get those texts since Audrey had the phone.
The notification went off again.
It wasn't Cory. Wrong notification tone.
It wasn't Jon.
Or Topanga.
Or Audrey.
None of the tones were correct.
Maya Hart.
Shawn sucked in his breath and a chill went through him.
Oh boy...
As he read her message over again, a frown tugged his expression down.
Mom's on her way here. Isn't that great!?
His last conversation with Maya had ended poorly, but compared to his last conversation with Katy, it went great. He also hadn't spoken to either of them since those conversations took place.
He made sure he hadn't missed any texts from Katy, but he knew he hadn't. He hated to immediately think Maya wasn't telling him the truth, but her reputation preceded her, and, like his, came from somewhere. He also knew her sidekick well enough to know he wouldn't be wrong to assume this was yet another attempt to get him and Katy together.
Given everything that was going on, Shawn regretted what he started with Katy and Maya. He wished the text was from the blackmailer instead. It would have been easier to deal with. And he knew exactly how to respond to them whereas he was lost on how to respond to Maya.
The blackmailer...
Shawn tried to focus on how to deal with Maya, but his thoughts kept returning to Yancy's threat to expose Jon's past. Then from out of nowhere Jon's own words after Kat caught them all together came back to him and gave him the answer he needed to an even more important question:
"Make sure I get our story out first."
"But Eli-i-i-i...!"
Eli was beginning to hate the sound of his own name. Every time he heard it nowadays it was accompanied by a high-pitched whine.
"But nothing, Kat," he replied not bothering to mask his annoyance. "You cannot seriously be surprised that the Matthews didn't like you trying to force your way into their home!"
"But Eli...!"
Eli tipped his head back and stared at the ceiling as he counted down in every language he knew.
Diez, nueve, ocho...
Sette, sei, cinque...
Quatre, trios, deux...
Ett...
Kat gritted her teeth at his expression, crossed her arms over her waist, and glared at him. "Look, I thought family would be understanding. You crashed at Jon's all the time without prior notice. Why is it a big deal now?"
Eli stared at her almost impressed with her audacity.
Almost.
"They aren't your family!" he snapped. "And Jon and I had an understanding about that. He and Aud were cool with it."
The steely expression in Kat's eyes flickered slightly at her rival's name. "So things changed, and no one bothered to tell me?"
She looked and sounded sincerely hurt. Eli was impressed. But not so much that he was going to give in. He raised his brow slightly. "Why would they tell you anything?"
"Because we're.."
The pouty whine paired with a victim mentality and expectation that he was at her disposal at all times was too much. He raised his hands to the sides of his head but put them down again just before he covered his ears. "Don't say it!" he ordered, pointing a finger at her. "That's my relationship with these people you're trying to hijack. If you really wanted to stay with them, you could've talked to me about it!"
Abruptly her mood shifted when she caught a glimpse of the clock on the side table. "You're right," she said apologetically. She walked over to him and kissed his cheek. "I'm sorry."
Eli watched suspiciously as Kat excused herself to the bathroom. Once the door closed, he headed to the small kitchenette in the two-bedroom suite to try to forget the maddening conversation.
Dylan poked his head out of the smaller bedroom and looked around warily. "Is it safe?"
Eli pursed his lips together and shook his head. "Not out here."
The teen nodded, stuck his earbuds back in his ears, and disappeared again.
When Kat didn't return, Eli initially hoped it would be permanent; that maybe she'd decided to take a nap or get the lock would jam and she wouldn't be to get out. Then he heard her voice drifting through the thin walls of the suite.
"Hi, Tippy," she chirped cheerfully into the phone in those dulcet tones she used when she was about to employ some heavy manipulation tactics. "Sorry to bother you but I need a little help..."
Tippy?
The name sounded vaguely familiar, but he was sure he knew no one by that name.
"Remember I told you I was going to Philadelphia for the week to care for my boyfriend? Well, the hotel I had cancelled on me and everything near the hospital is booked. I need a place to stay while I'm here. Didn't you tell me you have family somewhere close?"
Eli leaned against the door and put his ear close to it. He was more surprised to hear Kat trying to force her way into another family than he was to hear she was now referring to Jon.
"Well, I have some extended family there, but they came up here to see my kids. I thought you were staying at your... boyfriend's place?"
He heard the familiar voice of Topanga loud and clear, and he realized Kat had her conversation on speaker phone.
Topanga?
Tippy?
And then it came to him: Shawn once called Topanga "Tippy" in class teasing her about something or other and it resulted in her growling at him.
Why in the world is Kat calling Topanga Tippy?
Eli pursed his lips together and blinked wondering how he was supposed to keep his sanity as this story he was pursuing descended further into the Twilight Zone. But Twilight Zone or Philly, the location didn't matter to his reporter instincts which were busy adding strings and pins to his mental link analysis map.
Doing so formed a new question: why was Kat calling Topanga at all?
"Oh really?" Even with the door closed Eli could see her eyes light up and her posture straighten in the way they did when she thought she'd carried off a very clever ruse. "Everyone went to New York? Oh, well then the house will be empty. I can house sit in exchange for a room."
"Well, I don't exactly have the authority to let you to that." It was clear from Topanga's tone she was taken aback by the audacity, but not so much that she couldn't close up any loopholes Kat might try to exploit. "And I don't suggest just showing up either. They've got an old nosy neighbor who won't hesitate to call the cops if he sees someone around the property he doesn't know."
Eli tried to place where Topanga's parents lived. He recalled they moved to Pittsburgh at one point and divorced. After that he didn't know what happened to them. Topanga never talked about them and changed the subject when asked. Then he realized she was talking about the Matthews house and the neighbor was Feeny. He couldn't help but grin at the idea of George playing senile old man just to get Kat detained.
Kat found no humor in "Tippy's" refusal to accommodate her or give her any information from which she could figure out where her parents lived. She tried to negotiate but was "accidentally" cut off.
Eli stepped away from the door and ran a hand over his goatee as he tried to make sense of what he'd just heard. He couldn't imagine Topanga being actual friends with Kat. Kat didn't acknowledge her existence in high school as she only briefly had her in class so he couldn't come up with any reason for Topanga to have an attachment to her.
Unless...
He scrunched his nose up while simultaneously rolling his eyes as he remembered that she was Topanga Lawrence-Matthewswhich meant she was also directly connected to Shawn for the rest of her life as much as she was to Cory. No doubt, "Tippy's" men had concocted some scheme, and she was helping them out. He hoped whatever Cory and Shawn had concocted this time was better thought out than their school day schemes which tended to blow up in dramatic fashion even with Topanga involved.
Oh man,Eli thought with a stifled groan.We have got to get the fam together and figure out what everyone is doing so we don't end up with a big mess!
Kat's voice brought him rudely back to the present. She was on the phone again, but her tone and mannerisms were vastly different this time. As much as he wanted to slip out and get away from her, his curiosity won out and he lingered by the bedroom door again. Her voice was so low he had to crack the door open as quietly as he could in order to hear her. With her back to him, he still couldn't tell who she was talking to or what she was talking about.
Guilt unexpectedly hit him as he watched her. Not guilt over eavesdropping but over the familiarity of the scene before him. It reminded him too much of the way he used to take calls when his girlfriend called the house while Trina was home. It then occurred to him that Kat could very well be having an affair, especially if she found someone else whom she thought could get her closer to Jon. Not that anyone else could, but still it wouldn't surprise him if she tried. And if she was, what could he say about it other than what goes around comes around, you reap what you sow, karma?
Eli closed the bedroom door and walked back to the kitchenette. After a moment, he decided to go ahead and slip out to the one place he knew he was welcome- the Matthews. Once the hotel room door closed behind him, he realized that if Kat cheated on him, that wasn't his punishment for cheating on Trina at all as her infidelity would give him a clean way out. Instead, his punishment was ending up with Kat in first place. Feeling suddenly nauseated, Eli headed for the parking lot and sped away from the hotel as quickly as he could. When he arrived at the Matthews, Alan was in the kitchen studying instructions for a STUVA Loft bed that he and Amy bought on impulse for the grandkids to have another place to sleep.
Alan was relieved to see him as he already regretted getting the flat pack furniture.
"Were you paroled?" he asked grinning as Eli sank into the chair next to him and picked up a pack of tools for the bed.
Eli squinted at the directions in Alan's hand. "Nah, escaped. Dug my way out with a spoon."
"Must be desperate to take your life in your own hands like that," he said only half-jokingly. "I know I'm desperate. Wanna help me out of the hole I dug for myself?"
Eli chuckled and looked around the kitchen at all of the pieces to put together. "What'd you do- go shopping at Ikea?"
Alan grimaced. "Seemed like a good idea at the time."
After two hours of trying to put the bed together in Cory and Eric's old room, they only managed to get the drawers done, Alan put down the screwdriver and gave Eli a thoughtful look. "Wanna take a break and tell me what's going on? I kept my promise and kicked Kat out."
Eli studied him with a blank expression. It occurred to him that he had no idea who knew what and how much. He avoided answering by asking, "Has Kat ever contacted Cory or Topanga since high school?"
The question caught Alan off-guard. He led the way back down to the kitchen. "Not that I know of. Cory complains every month that she invites herself his lunch with Jon, but he says she acts like she has no clue who he is."
He opened the refrigerator, pulled out a couple of soda cans, and offered one to Eli.
"I don't know about Topanga, but I've never heard anything. Kat didn't have anything to do with her when she was in high school so I can't imagine she'd have anything to do with her now."
Eli considered this as he sat down. "How long was she in Kat's class? I can't remember."
"Less than two weeks. When a spot in Honors Social Studies opened, she moved up."
Mentally, Eli pinned this information to his chart. He tapped his finger on top of the can thoughtfully. "Does she still go by Tippy?"
Alan made a face, then sat back and regarded Eli curiously. "That nickname stopped around the time her parents divorced.Noone calls her that other than Cory occasionally." He paused then chuckled a little. "And Eric when he wants to irritate her."
"Her dad called her that right?"
Alan nodded. "What's got you interested in the kids' old nicknames?"
Eli paused, unsure of what to say. Reaching into his pocket he grabbed his phone and opened the messaging app under the table. "Guess a lot of things I haven't thought about in a long time are coming back."
Alan slid his soda can back and forth between his hands. He knew there was something more to it, but he let it go. "Amy said she's hiding your bag in our bedroom closet."
Eli glanced up at him. "Good."
"You smuggling in something Kat doesn't approve of?"
"Nah," Eli glanced at him apprehensively. He really needed to talk to Audrey about that bag first among other things, but not knowing how long her trip down memory lane with Jon and Shawn would take, he fired off a quick text impressing on her how much they needed to talk.
"What's in it?"
Eli put the phone back in his pocket and looked at Alan seriously. "Jon's leather jacket."
Alan understood the words he said, he just wasn't sure what to do with them or why Eli would want them to hide something like that from anyone. "What do you mean Jon's leather jacket?"
"Just that."
"Jon doesn't have one," Alan said slowly, carefully watching Eli's expression. "He never replaced it after the accident."
"Right." He took a sip of his soda.
Understanding set in abruptly and Alan's mouth dropped open. "You mean Jon's jacket from the accident?"
"That's the one."
"That one was stolen during the break in."
He nodded.
Stunned, Alan asked, "Where did Kat find it?"
Eli shrugged.
"Where did you find it?"
"Kat's closet. Buried behind a bunch of clothes that look exactly like the ones in Jon's closet."
Alan nearly choked on his soda. "What?"
"Bun-knee boi-oh-ler," Eli dragged the words out in an exaggerated drawl.
"I hate that movie," Alan said with disgust. He struggled to wrap his head around this new information and what it meant.
Eli nodded in agreement as he took a slow sip of his drink. If he never saw that movie again it would be too soon.
Food.
So many of Shawn's key memories with Jon and Audrey revolved around food. There was comfort in knowing some things had not changed.
At the moment, he and Julia were in the kitchen sorting out the lunch orders from Jim's South Street. By Shawn's count he'd eaten more "junk food" in the time he'd been home than he had in his entire year with Jon. It was so strange to him that Audrey allowed it so frequently.
For Julia it wasn't unusual. Eating takeaway was more common the closer it came to each new baby's arrival. Audrey wasn't the only chef in the house, and Jon could have taken over the cooking but he, of course, did not have the time.
Shawn still found it too weird for his liking although Audrey assured him it would be short-lived, and everyone would be eating properly once they got back to the Matthews. Immediately, his teenage voice sounded off in his head urging him to try to haggle multiple cakes out of her for old time's sake. He smiled at the memory of his one and only birthday party. Regret and bitterness tried to taint the joy of that time, but he was able to shrug it off. He knew his 15th birthday would not be allowed to remain the only one now that he was home.
He wondered if he could get a cake for each birthday he'd missed since then. The thought made him grin because he was pretty sure he could.
Julia cast a sharp side eye at him when he started chuckling to himself. "What story are you laughing at that you haven't told me yet?"
Shawn glanced at her with an arched brow. "My birthday."
"Oh, good," she said, licking the au jus that coated her fingers from the cheesesteaks they were separating. "I've been wanting to hear that one."
Good-naturedly, he rolled his eyes. "All you ever want is from me are stories."
"So?" she quipped, tossing the attitude right back at him.
"So then it'll be Grayson and Jamie. Then Bella. Then the new one."
"Why don't you just write 'em down for us so we can read them for ourselves?" she asked, sampling a Crabfry, "Like Daddy's doing with his and mom's story."
Shawn gave her a quizzical look that turned thoughtful. "You think?"
Julia's eyes sparkled impishly. "I think you're gonna need an income 'cause we don't allow freeloaders in our house. You are a writer, aren't you? Get writing!"
"Yeah, and I have a job thanks."
Julia shrugged. "Everyone needs a backup plan."
"Yeah," he said absently, lost in thought. Julia's suggestion had taken hold, and he couldn't help but mull it over. He'd never thought about writing a memoir. He didn't think he was near memorable enough for that.
He was still thinking about the idea when Audrey walked over to him. Their conversation derailed their lunch sorting and she was craving a steak hoagie.
"What's taking so long?" she asked, trying not to reorganize their sloppy plating efforts.
"I'm organizing Shawn's next career move," Julia informed her smugly.
"Oh?" Audrey looked at Shawn in amusement.
"Yeah, apparently a new agent was delivered with lunch," he chuckled. "Actually, Jules has a pretty good idea for me to turn our memories into a book."
A strange look clouded Audrey's eyes. "Yeah, maybe."
She didn't sound very enthusiastic about the idea. Shawn frowned. "Mom?"
"One thing at a time, Shawn." A distant anxious expression marred her features. "We've still got a lot of those memories to get through. An awful lot."
The ominous tone of her words caused Shawn and Julia to exchange worried looks. They quickly finished sorting the food and took them to Jon in the living room.
Audrey remained behind, chewing on her thumbnail before pushing away from the counter to join the rest of the family. Before she could get past the island, her phone notifications buzzed.
Eli.
I know you guys are deep in important past stuff, but we got some important present day stuff that needs attention ASAP.
Audrey glanced up and watched Jon smile at something Julia said. There was a growing tiredness in his eyes that worried her, and they couldn't be distracted from getting past the worst of the memories. They had to be dealt with before anything else.
It has to wait. We're here.
Oh. The reply was quick. Nothing that important here.
Where's Kat?
At the hotel.
You?
At the Matthews.
Audrey frowned. They did not need Kat there before they could get back.
Does she know you're there?
No, but she did already try to move in.
Audrey almost gave an audible groan.
Stall her!
Already on it. I took the car.
Audrey couldn't help but chuckle at the image of Kat stranded at the hotel by her boyfriend. She must be fuming.
It was so good to have Eli back with them.
Jon looked up to see where she was. He frowned slightly as his eyes searched hers for the reason for the delay in joining them. She gave him a flirty wink. With a final quick text back to Eli, she joined her family on the couch. Jon put his hand on her thigh and gave her a questioning look. Pushing her worry down, she gave him a teasing peck on the lips and turned her attention to her lunch.
What normally worked to distract him from her worries, didn't this time. The mood had shifted, and they all became more serious as the impending "worst" memory to revisit time was at their doorstep.
Shawn found his thoughts being constantly dragged back to the moment Jon announced he was going to sign the guardianship papers. He took a bite of his sandwich and was greatly disappointed to find his favorite cheesesteak tasted dry and flavorless.
That moment in the living room with Jon had led directly to Chet's return.
Now the sandwich tasted bitter. He couldn't eat it and set it down on his plate. He looked over at Jon who didn't seem to be enjoying his lunch either. Audrey picked at hers, repeatedly rearranging the topping on her hoagie. Julie dipped a thin sliver of roast beef into her au jus several times without eating it.
Unable to take the mounting silence, Shawn abruptly asked, "Dad, do you remember that fight we had over you not signin' the guardianship papers after Mom was gone?"
Jon looked relieved something was said, even if it was that. "Yeah, never been able to eat chicken A L'Orange since," he grimaced. "Or use Tang in anything."
"That was such a weird time," Shawn said with a rueful smile. "And that fight was even weirder. You acted like you never intended to sign those papers."
Jon pushed his plate away and sat back against the couch.
"I didn't," he responded much to Shawn's surprise. When Jon saw the reaction he clarified, "Not those papers. The papers I had every intention of signin' were the joint ones with Aud. Never intended to do it alone."
It was a simple explanation and one that made a considerable amount of sense. With that framing, it was no wonder they butted heads so hard over those papers, they were coming from very different places. He didn't know about the real set of papers with Audrey's name on them back then. To him, Jon was just being a selfish jerk.
"I thought you signed them," Shawn sighed and picked up a chip. "Things were so messed up by then I guess I thought the party was just to celebrate that you had signed. Which isn't at all what you told me."
Shawn found himself drawn to Audrey's steady gaze. He sighed again. "I dunno why I thought that. I'm startin' to have a hard time explainin' me to me."
"You were angry and scared," Jon told him. His voice was soft and understanding. "You needed to funnel that frustration somewhere. I was the one there."
"You were the one I knew wouldn't take off on me," Shawn replied quietly. "You were my safe person."
He screamed louder, slammed doors harder, and pushed the limits further with Jon because he knew Jon would take it. And push back when he needed him to push back.
And barricade the windows and doors if need be.
"I got pretty messed up too," Jon said after a bout of silence. "You had convinced yourself Chet was who you wanted. And I had convinced myself you and Audrey were who I did not want. Sat on the roof when you were out comin' up with all these different outcomes to my life that were better than what I'd lost and was gonna lose."
Shawn's mouth fell open. There was no way Jon knew about his conversation with Julia nor what he did on the roof back then. He never told him.
He caught Jon's eyes. "We are the same person, aren't we?"
Jon gave a sad chuckle.
Audrey smiled and nodded her agreement. "Like father, like son," she said proudly.
A deep sadness washed over Shawn as he recalled his teenage reasoning for the "Chet is better than Jon" story he created. "Convincin' myself that Chet was who I wanted because he was my real dad was the only way I could cope with havin' the family I always wanted taken away from me. I had to fight with you. I had to put that distance between us. If I hadn't..." His voice trailed off and he sat silently watching his parents.
Jon put a hand over his mouth and sighed. "It woulda been a mess if we'd tried goin' through the adoption once Chet was back."
Shawn's voice returned as a strong wave of frustration with his teenage- self hit him. "He wouldn't have come back if I hadn't told everyone I wanted to be with him," he growled. "I knew if I could convince Cory of that then everyone else would believe me too and leave me alone. I just had no idea Cory would actually go after the guy and guilt him into comin' back."
Shawn paused when he saw Jon's look of surprise, then continued. "What would've happened if Cory had left him sittin' in Readin'?"
Jon shook his head and shrugged. "I dunno. That would have depended on what you would have done."
"What do you mean?"
"You went after him once. Would you have tried again if Cory hadn't?"
Shawn stared at his hands and bowed his head. The sensation of feeling adrift pricked at him. "I didn't want to go after him in the first place. I just talked up wantin' to be with my 'dad' so much I felt I had to go. Kinda talked myself into a corner, you know?."
He sat up a little straighter and looked Jon in the eyes. "Look, you taught me to ride the bike like a pro. I was good at it. I could have avoided the cops if I'd really wanted to."
Jon stared at him for a moment. "I did always wonder why you got pulled over."
Audrey was becoming visibly uncomfortable with the conversation. "Guys, we're getting ahead of ourselves," she quietly reminded them.
"Yeah," Julia said. She was still holding the lunch meat over the au jus. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Jon and Shawn looked at them in surprise then nodded in unison. It was time to face that the moment they had been avoiding for years.
"I really hated that you started datin' other women," Shawn said quietly.
Jon looked away from him. "I did too."
Both smiled, then a darkness clouded Shawn's eyes. "You let me go."
"Yes, I did."
"You didn't even argue with me."
"No, I didn't."
Shawn stared at Jon.
The muscles of Jon's jaw twitched as he tapped his fingertips together. "I didn't want you to walk outta that police station with him."
"I didn't wanna walk outta that police station with him."
They fell silent.
Audrey massaged slow circles into Jon's shoulder. Her brow was pulled tightly together in an anxious frown.
Julia looked back and forth between her father and brother worriedly.
"So what happened?"
Thank you so much for reading and spending time with me. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate them so much and I read them all to the end. Thank you!