Katniss sat stiffly in the passenger seat of her car, as Peeta drove them to Prim and Rory's place. She pressed herself up against the passenger door, trying to keep as much distance between her and Peeta as possible. Her body turned away from him and her arms wrapped around herself as she struggled to focus. Though she felt physically numb from shock, her mind felt like it was in complete turmoil.
She couldn't believe this was real - that Peeta was so angry with her that he wanted to end their marriage. Over and over, the same question circled in her mind - how could this be happening? Katniss had known, even before she left the woods, she would be facing a difficult situation when she got home, but she'd thought she would be able to make Peeta understand. She thought she could explain what she'd been feeling, he'd listen and they would talk. She'd felt certain that it would all work out okay, and they'd get back to normal. After all, that's what had always happened before when she'd disappeared. It had never occurred to her that Peeta might think her leaving meant she didn't love him anymore. She had thoroughly underestimated how much her actions would hurt him, and it looked like her obliviousness was going to cost her everything. Fresh tears began to roll down her face again.
"Peeta please, won't you reconsider?" she whispered desperately, risking a sideways glance at his face as he pulled up outside Prim's house. Before leaving their house she had tried in vain to convince him to give them, and their marriage another chance. Eventually he had told her he didn't want to talk anymore and offered to drive her to Prim's to see the kids.
"I've told you, I don't think I can Katniss," he responded quietly. Katniss noticed that the anger had left his voice, and it had been replaced with sadness. He still wouldn't, or couldn't, look at her. "It's too much," Peeta explained. "I am sorry if this has come as a shock to you. I'm sorry that you're hurting now, but I'm hurting too. I have been since the day you left. More than I think you'll ever know."
"Does Prim know you are going to leave me?" she whispered, her voice shaking. His head snapped around sharply, his blue eyes blazing fiercely as they met hers. "Me, leave you?" he barked, the anger in his voice quickly returning. "I think you're forgetting which one of us drove away and didn't come home for two months, Katniss. That wasn't me!"
Katniss shrunk back against the car door, away from the anger in his voice. She couldn't take any more of his anger tonight. "I'm sorry Peeta… it was an unfortunate choice of words… I...I only meant does she know you planned to end things? That you were going to file papers?"
"No," he said, shaking his head. "I haven't told anyone else about that yet. Prim knows I've been really upset. She helped me out with watching the kids on the weekends, but I didn't talk to anyone else about what I was going to do. I thought you should be the first to know. I only filed the papers a few days ago. Now that you're back you can expect to be served with a copy of them over the next few days."
"Is this really what you want, Peeta? Us to be over?" Katniss studied his face, hoping, searching for some sign of hope to cling on to.
Peeta didn't answer her immediately. "Do you really know what you want, Katniss?" he answered eventually, "Because I don't think you do. You might thank me for this one day."
Katniss shook her head furiously, "No Peeta, I know I don't want this. I don't want us to be over. I never wanted this."
Peeta remained silent. After a minute, he shut off the car engine and turned to look over at her. Even in the dim light, he could see Katniss was visibly trembling, her face chalk white and strained, her eyes red and puffy from the tears she had cried. He watched as another tear rolled slowly down her face. Even after all that had happened, he felt a pull at his traitorous heart. It still hurt him to see her in so much distress. He sighed and pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and offered it to her. "Katniss, you have to dry your eyes and try to get yourself together if you want to see the kids," he said quietly. "We can't let them see us like this, and we are both going to have to try and find a way to get through this without it impacting them any more than it has already. I'll take your bags into the house and you can follow me when you're ready."
Without giving her an opportunity to say anything else, Peeta opened the car door and climbed out, popping the trunk to pull out her bags. He walked swiftly up the path to Prim's door, not waiting for her to follow him. Slowly Katniss tried to tidy her hair, then she wiped her eyes with his handkerchief. Suddenly her senses were assaulted with that scent again, his scent. Groaning, she buried her face in the soft material, as she tried to gather herself. She climbed out of the car and began to make her way slowly up the path to the house. Shefelt weak and lightheaded, her legs shook underneath her. Katniss wondered vaguely if she was in some kind of shock. She didn't want to reach Prim's door. She knew once she reached that door, then everything that had happened tonight would become real. Before she could process another thought, she saw her beautiful blonde sister, running down the path towards her, and the next thing she knew she was being gathered into her arms for a fierce hug. Peeta moved aside to let Prim embrace her sister.
"Finally, you came home!" Prim said, backing up and smiling at her. She pushed back, so she could look over her sister. "And it's about time, too. It's so good to see you Katniss. Come on. Let's go inside. You're trembling, are you cold?"
'"No, not really," Katniss said rubbing her palms up and down her arms. She hadn't realized she was shaking so badly. She clung to Prim, desperately needing to feel some human warmth.
"Well, come in and I'll make you some hot tea to warm you up. Peeta, you too," Prim turned to offer a small, but sad smile to Peeta who was standing slightly to one side, watching the sisters reunite.
Prim led the way into the house, keeping her arm wrapped firmly around Katniss' waist. Just outside the entrance to the living room, Prim stopped, turning to face Katniss.
"Rory is inside here with the kids," she said gently, "are you sure you're ready for this? Do you want to come through to the kitchen first and give yourself a moment before you see them?"
"No, Prim," Katniss shook her head firmly, and straightened her back. She lifted her chin and looked at her sister, "I want to see my babies. I've already been away from them for too long." From the corner of her eye, Katniss could see Peeta stiffen at what she'd said, but she ignored him. Maybe he didn't want her any more, but he was right about one thing, she had to be strong now and not let her kids see how upset she was.
Prim nodded. "Okay then," she said smiling.
But just as they were about to walk though the doorway, Peeta put his hand out and stepped up beside Katniss. "Let's go in together" he said. "We should try to look amicable for the kids' sake." Katniss threw him a look but walked through the entrance into the living room beside him, Prim following behind them.
At the first sight of her son in Rory's arms, his soft blond curls shining, Katniss' breath caught in her throat. He'd grown so much! Her eyes sought out and found Skye where she was lying on her belly on the floor, surrounded by crayons and brightly colored paper, singing softly to herself as she concentrated on her drawing. Skye looked up as her parents came through the doorway, her blue eyes locking on Katniss and widening in recognition at the sight of her standing beside her father.
"Mama!" she squealed excitedly, jumping to her feet - but then she hesitated as if she didn't know what to do next. Seeing the little girl's hesitation, Katniss slowly approached her instead, kneeling down a few feet from her and opening her arms in invitation. "Hi little girl," she said softly. "Can I at least get a hug?" she asked as Skye stood perfectly still, just looking at her, confusion and doubt clouding her blue eyes.
Skye looked up at Peeta, who gave her a reassuring smile and an almost imperceptible nod. Only then did the little girl move slowly into her mother's waiting arms. She let Katniss hug her.
"Where did you go to Mama?" she questioned in a tiny voice, pulling back from the embrace. There was a sulky pout to her bottom lip, which wobbled a little bit as she looked at Katniss with beseeching eyes. "You were gone for a very, very long time. Daddy and Aran were so sad, and so was I."
"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry," Katniss answered her, pulling her daughter close to her and gently cradled her small body against her. She closed her eyes and pressed her cheek to the crown of Skye's head, savoring the feel of her daughter in her arms again. "I had to go away for a little while to get some rest, Skye. Mama was very tired," Katniss tried to explain.
"If you were tired, why didn't you go to bed early like you make me do when I'm tired?" Skye asked, wrapping her arms around Katniss neck and cuddling into her.
Katniss let a gentle laugh slip out at her daughter's simple logic, "Oh sweetie, I wish I could have done that, but this was a different kind of tired. It doesn't work that way. I'm so sorry I upset you and I promise I'm going to try and make it up to you now that I'm back, okay?"
"Will you make it up to Aran and Daddy, too?" Skye asked. "Aran cried really, really hard for you Mama. We didn't know where you had gone to."
"l hope so Skye, I really, really want to try and make it up to Aran and Daddy, too," Katniss swallowed hard, glancing over briefly at Peeta and noticing the expression on his face.
He was watching them closely, but with such anguish in his face that it made Katniss' stomach twist. Peeta's face had become very pale and Katniss could see unshed tears in his blue eyes. He turned his head away sharply when he noticed her looking at him. Or maybe he turned away because he didn't want Skye to see his reaction. She couldn't be sure and it wasn't like she could ask Peeta. Katniss released Skye from her hug, and stood up to approach Rory, who was holding her infant son in his arms. The little boy was watching her with his cool gray eyes, but not making a sound. Katniss was once again reminded how much Aran's personality was like her own.
"Hi little guy," she murmured in a gentle voice, holding her arms out towards the little boy. "Are you going to come say hello to your Mama?"
Aran continued to watch her, but his little face was unsure. Suddenly, he turned his head away from her, and let out a wail, hiding his face in Rory's shoulder. No matter how gently Katniss tried to coax him to come to her, he wouldn't even look at her. Just like his father, she thought.
"Give him a few minutes," Prim said quietly, coming up behind Katniss and putting her arm around her again. "He'll come around, he is just making strange. Babies do it all the time."
"He won't even look at me Prim," Katniss' voice broke on the last syllable. Lowering her voice so only Prim could hear she added, "Peeta won't look at me either."
Prim glanced over at Peeta who was busying himself with admiring a picture Skye had drawn for him and trying to act normal. "It's been a rough day on you all, I think everyone's exhausted. I'll go make that tea. Skye, do you want to help pick out the cookies?"
Katniss knew it was a ploy on Prim's part to try and distract Skye away from the tension in the room, and she smiled at her sister gratefully.
But, Aran wasn't okay. A few minutes later, when Katniss tried again to coax him from Rory's arms he began to cry harder and started struggling. Rory sat him down gently, and excused himself to go help Prim in the kitchen. As Katniss watched Aran pulled himself to his feet and toddled straight over to Peeta on wobbly legs, holding his arms up to his father to pick him up.
Katniss gasped, her eyes widening and her hands flying to her mouth. "Oh my God! He's walking! Peeta, look, Aran's walking!" she couldn't help the proud smile that broke across her face and without thinking, she beamed at Peeta.
Peeta scooped the little boy up in his arms. "Yes, he started about two weeks ago," he said, a tremor in his voice. "It's a shame you weren't here to see his first steps. Anyway, I think it's best we should go soon." He turned away and began to pick up the rest of the kids' things.
"Wait!" Katniss pleaded softly, reaching out and placing her hand on Peeta's forearm in an attempt to stop him. "Please Peeta, wait. Just stay a little while longer. I've only just got here. Please, don't take them home yet."
Peeta looked down pointedly at the hand she had rested on his arm. Katniss withdrew it. "I think it's best if we do this slowly, Katniss, a little at a time, and you know their routine. It's getting late, it's nearly their bedtime and I have a lot to do when I get home," Peeta said, his voice now sounding hoarse.
"But what happens next Peeta?" Katniss asked, confused. "I don't want to stay here. I want to come home with you. I don't know what I'm supposed to do next."
"Please Katniss," Peeta lowered his voice and cradled Aran closer, "keep your voice down." He glanced around to check where Skye was, but she was still in the kitchen with Prim. "We shouldn't do this in front of the kids. I don't really know what is going to happen next either, I suppose we'll just have to figure it out as we go along. Right now, Rory is going to drive me and the kids home so I can leave your car here with you."
"You had this all planned out, didn't you?" Katniss spat out, crossing her arms across her chest and glaring at Peeta. "You knew that as soon as I walked in the door you were going to tell me what you'd decided and bring me here without even listening to anything I had to say first. You were never going to give me a chance to make things right, were you Peeta? So, that's it?" Katniss said, feeling panic rising and overtaking her. "You're just going to leave now? Walk out the door with our kids, and I don't even know when I'm going to see you next?"
He glared at her, as he growled at her in an angry whisper. "It doesn't feel good, when someone walks away from you, does it Katniss? I begged you to talk to me every day for a month. I offered to be whatever you needed dozens of times. I reached out to you, but you chose to shut me out and ignore me, so don't complain now if I don't want to talk to you. You managed just fine without seeing any of us for another entire month after I stopped calling you. But you know what? It turns out there is a limit to my tolerance, too. So from now on, anything I do will be on my terms and when I'm ready. Kinda like what you do."
He turned his back on her abruptly and called to Skye, making his way towards the front door.
"Oh, are you going already?" Prim asked, coming out of the kitchen, Skye and Rory trailing behind her.
"Sorry Prim, but we've got to get home" Peeta said apologetically. "If Rory doesn't mind leaving now, I've got work tomorrow, and I need to get organized." Rory nodded and went to grab his keys.
"Skye, can you grab the rest of your things, please?" Peeta instructed, and the child went to pick up her little backpack and blanket.
"Is Mama not coming with us Daddy?" Skye asked, looking confused, her eyes moving back and forth between her parents. Katniss could tell that Skye could feel the tension between them, and she hated that.
She bent down to Skye, forcing a weak smile onto her face. "I'm going to be staying here with your Aunt Prim for a little while Skye, but I promise you that I'll see you soon, okay?" Katniss tried to sound reassuring, while at the same time trying not to break down in tears in front of her little girl. She cradled Skye's face gently between her palms and kissed her cheek tenderly. "You go home with your Daddy now. Go on, it'll be fine. I'll see you soon." Katniss smiled at her again. Skye reached up and kissed her on the cheek. "You promise Mama?" she asked, her eyes uncertain as they focused on Katniss' face, "Cross your heart?..."
"…and hope to die," Katniss responded as she hugged her tightly, before letting her go and gently pushing her towards her father.
Katniss started to tremble again as she watched Aran's face over Peeta's shoulder, as he walked away towards Rory's car. She never did get a chance to hold her baby boy and she didn't know when she would see him next. Skye looked back and waved, and Katniss smiled and waved back at her, but Peeta didn't look back once. She wanted to scream after him that she was sorry, that she'd do anything to make things right. Prim came to silently stand beside Katniss, wrapping her arms around her again allowing Katniss to lean into her for support.
Katniss stayed at the door, a smile plastered to her face in case Skye was watching, but as soon as Rory's car pulled away she felt her knees begin to buckle under her and she crumpled into Prim's arms, finally breaking down as sobs ripped through her.
"Oh Katniss, please don't cry," Prim sat on the step beside her and held her tight, trying to comfort her. "Things seem bad now but this will all blow over, you'll see. Peeta's just really angry right now. You really hurt him, but he'll forgive you. I know he will. He loves you too much. You should have seen how devastated he was when you were gone. Just give him some time."
"Prim..." Katniss sobbed clutching at her sister "…he won't even give me a chance to put things right..."
"He will, Katniss, just give him a little more time, at least you're home now..." Prim stroked Katniss' hair, trying to calm her down.
"No Prim, you don't understand," Katniss gulped as she tried to force the words out, "he's...he's already filed for a divorce. He showed me the divorce papers. He has even spoken to a lawyer about custody of the kids."
Prim's mouth fell open, a look of genuine shock blooming across her face. "He did what?" she stuttered. She pulled them both up off the ground and moved them back to the living room, still keeping her arms firmly around her sister.
Katniss nodded, and in between sobs tried to tell Prim what exactly had happened between them that afternoon at their house.
"I had just gotten home and we talked a bit, and at first Peeta asked me how I was. Then he asked me to explain what had happened. I tried, I really did, but I'm not good at explaining Prim, you know that. It seemed everything I tried to say, it came out wrong and I just made him angrier. I don't think he really wanted to give me a chance anyway. Prim, he says he doesn't want to try and fix this."
"Did he say he doesn't love you anymore?" Prim asked.
"No, he says he does, but he said he doesn't trust me with his heart anymore." Katniss sniffled. "He knew I was at Gale's all along and he basically told me that what I did hurt him too much this time. And then, then he just threw them in my lap. Divorce papers. He says I'll be served a copy soon. Oh God Prim, he was so cold and angry. What am I going to do? I can't lose him."
"Oh Katniss," Prim sighed, shaking her head. "This is one huge mess. I can't believe he went as far as filing for a divorce."
Katniss began sobbing again, and Prim pulled her close. "I... I don't know what to say Katniss. I mean, I knew he was hurting, but I had no idea he was going to do this. He didn't say anything to me about it."
"Did you talk to him much while I was gone Prim? Was it really that bad?" Katniss looked up at Prim. "Tell me the truth Prim."
Prim studied Katniss carefully, as if to measure how much more she thought Katniss could take hearing at this moment. "Yes, it was bad," she answered quietly after a few moments. "I'm not going to lie to you Katniss. For the first few days after you left, both kids were crying constantly, looking for you. I don't think Peeta got more than a couple of hours of sleep with Aran for that entire first week."
"I never wanted that to happen Prim. I tried to tell him I was sorry, but he wasn't interested."
"He's angry Katniss, what did you expect?" Prim replied.
Katniss thought about that for a moment. "I didn't expect him to hate me," she responded, her voice breaking on the words. "And I can't understand why Peeta thinks I don't love him anymore. God, Prim, I love that man more than my own life. Why does he think I don't love him? He practically accused me of cheating on him with Gale. I would never cheat on him Prim. Never."
Prim reached up to stroke Katniss' hair in an attempt to comfort her sister. "He was a mess Katniss," she admitted quietly. "He was frantic when you didn't call the night you left, he must have called every hospital within a hundred miles. He told me you said your battery died, but Katniss I have to ask, could you not have found another phone? The Hawthorne's do have one, you know?"
"I didn't want him to know I was at Gale's," Katniss sniffled.
"Yes, that's the other thing Katniss. I don't understand why you lied about that. Why didn't you just tell Peeta the truth about where you were staying? That was the tipping point, when he discovered you had lied about that, he was furious. That quiet, intense kind of furious. That was when he stopped talking to me about you. Before, he would ask me if I'd heard from you or spoken to you every time we talked."
"I didn't tell him because he has always hated it when I went to stay at Gale's before. He has this irrational fear that one day I will leave him for Gale. Peeta has always found it hard to believe me when I say I've never had those kind of feelings for Gale, that it's him I love. It's always been him."
"Well, to be honest Katniss, if that's how he really feels about Gale, I can see why he got so upset when he found out you lied about where you were. You did run away and you went to Gale. Katniss, can't you see you fed right into his worst fear?"
"So this is all my fault? Do you think I deserve this?" Katniss snapped defensively at her sister. "Since when do you understand my husband better than I do?" Katniss sat up, pulling away from Prim.
"Honestly?" Prim tilted her head as she looked at her sister, "No, you don't deserve to lose everything because of this. But, you do have to accept a lot of the responsibility for this mess Katniss. I love you, but I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. You've messed up. Badly. "
Katniss sighed, dropping her head into her hands. "I know. I'm sorry Prim, I don't mean to get sharp with you. I know you're right. This is my fault. I have messed up. I just want a chance to fix things."
"It's okay. But there is nothing more you can do tonight," Prim smiled to let Katniss know she understood, and she was not angry with her. "You'll have to let Peeta calm down, and then maybe try talking to him again." Prim stood then, and picked up Katniss' bags from where Peeta had left them. "Come on. Let's put your things in the guest room, and then maybe you can have a bath and try to relax. Rory will be back soon and we can have something to eat."
Katniss nodded and followed Prim up the stairs and into a large, airy guest room. "You're welcome to stay as long as you need, Katniss. Whatever happens next, we're going to be here for you, okay?" Prim offered, "there are fresh towels in the bathroom, and if you need anything else just ask."
"Okay Prim, thank you. I think I'm just going to take a shower and maybe lie down for a little while, if that's okay with you. I don't really feel like eating. "
"Whatever you need, Katniss. When you're hungry just come down and join us when you're ready." Prim hugged her again, before closing the door quietly behind her.
Katniss stared around the room. Slowly, she unpacked her few things and moved towards the ensuite bathroom. She turned the shower spray to hot, and stripped off, standing under the stream of water as she allowed the bitter tears to flow freely down her face again, hoping Prim wouldn't hear her as she cried. God, she could do with Hazelle's comforting presence and some of her wise words right now. It was almost enough to make her want to get back in her car and go straight back to Seam, but she couldn't do that. Not this time.
She cried until the water ran cold and she was forced to climb out of the shower. Once she had toweled off and dressed, she re-braided her hair over her left shoulder, and laid down on the bed.
It smelled clean and fresh, but unfamiliar. She thought about Peeta, and what he was doing now, back in their home getting the kids ready for bed. Katniss admitted to herself that she was terrified. She could not imagine a life where Peeta no longer loved her and didn't want her to be a part of his life. Even while she was away, she had clung to that one unshakeable constant in her life, and that was knowing that Peeta loved her.
How was she meant to go on without him? The questions raced through her mind, and she suddenly felt a newfound empathy for how lost her mother must have felt after her father had died.
Impulsively, she picked up her phone and sent Peeta a text.
"I want to come home. I know I messed up, but you have to know that I love you. Always."
She waited, hoping against hope that he would he reply, but no response came. She never did make it back downstairs for dinner, instead she lay on the unfamiliar bed and cried herself to sleep, clutching the only thing that could comfort her in that moment, the handkerchief which held Peeta's scent.
"Are you okay man?" Rory asked quietly, glancing over at Peeta as he stared out the window of the car.
Peeta pulled himself out of his thoughts, and tried to throw some semblance of a smile towards the younger Hawthorne. Talking to Rory was kind of hard for him right now, given how much he reminded Peeta of his older brother. But he reminded himself that Rory was not Gale, and Peeta couldn't hold who his brother was against Rory.
"I will be," he said. Keep telling yourself that Peeta, he thought. Maybe if he told himself often enough, he might start to believe it.
"You know Prim and I will do anything we can to help, right? You guys are too good together, you'll work it out." Rory kept his eyes on the road, but reached over and patted Peeta on the shoulder in what Peeta took as an attempt at a comforting gesture. He didn't have the strength right at that moment to correct the other man's assumption. Now that he had told Katniss he was divorcing her, everyone would find out soon enough. "Thanks" he said, smiling weakly as he returned to staring out the window.
After Rory had dropped them off and said goodnight, Peeta tried to focus on the tasks that needed his immediate attention. He could fall apart in private later, when the kids were taken care of. He was becoming an expert at it.
Aran was already dressed in his pajamas and had fallen asleep on the short drive home. Peeta just lifted him into his crib, tucking his blankets around him and pressing a kiss to his forehead. It hadn't escaped him that Aran had not wanted Katniss to hold him tonight, and despite everything that saddened him. No matter what the future held, he would always want the kids to have a good relationship with Katniss. He was worried about Skye, too. For a little chatterbox, she hadn't said a single word in the car ride home, just sat quietly with her blanket folded up against her cheek.
He went in to help her get ready for bed, leaning down to give her a kiss on the cheek as he helped her undo her braid and brush her hair.
"Daddy?" Skye looked up at him with sad eyes, as he was helping her into her pajamas. She sounded nervous and unsure, and he felt his heart constrict. Peeta couldn't bear to see his little girl upset. He knew she needed him to put on a brave face for her now.
"Yes, sweetie," he smiled gently at her and pulling her onto his lap, steeling himself for whatever question he knew she wanted to ask.
"Why didn't mama want to come home with us tonight?"
Peeta swallowed against the instant tightness in his throat. She looked so trusting staring up at him, with the same blue eyes as his own, and he felt a sudden sense of guilt that it was down to him that Katniss wasn't at home with them tonight. God knows, she had made it clear that she wanted to come home, but he wouldn't let her.
"She did want to sweetie, but sometimes mommies and daddies don't always get along well, and its best for everyone when that happens that they live apart for a little while." He reached up and began to stroke Skye's hair, but he couldn't help but compare it's softness to the way Katniss hair had felt between his fingers.
"For a little while, or for a long while Daddy?"
"Sometimes it can be for a long while."
"As long as forever?"
Peeta hesitated. He didn't know how to answer. He had known the time would come when he would be faced with some awkward questions, but now that time had arrived he didn't know whether to wait or tell her the truth?
"Sometimes," he replied, deciding it was better in the long term to stick as close to the truth as possible, rather build his little girl's hopes up, only for them to be crushed again later.
"I don't want Mama to stay with Aunt Prim forever, Daddy!" The little girl's blue eyes filled with tears and her lower lip started to quiver. "I want her to come home!" she wailed, clutching her precious orange blanket tightly to her chest.
Peeta felt his heart breaking like it was a physical pain. "I'm sorry baby," he said, pulling her into a hug and he rocked her against his chest gently. He squeezed his own eyes shut to force back the tears he felt welling up in them. He couldn't let Skye see him cry. He rested his lips on the crown of her head as he rocked back and forth whispering, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
Skye clutched at his shirt with her tiny hands, her tears soaking into the material. "You won't go away too, will you Daddy?" he heard her muffled voice coming from the place where her face was buried against his chest.
"No baby, I promise, I won't go away. Not ever. I promise." He felt Skye nodding her head just a little bit.
"Can we go and see mama again soon?" she asked, raising her face to his. She looked frightened.
"Yes, we can go and see mama again soon, and you will see her lots and lots, I promise," he kissed the crown of her head, lying his cheek against it, and closing his eyes again, swearing to himself he would make sure he lived up to his promises. He would make sure Katniss lived up to them too.
"O-okay," Skye mumbled against his chest. Skye cried for a few more minutes before her tears started to taper off into sniffles, and finally he felt her grip on his shirt relax. Peeta moved his head to look down, to see the little girl had cried herself out and was fast asleep. He gently laid her down on her pillow and tucked the blankets up around her, making sure her favorite was tucked under her cheek, just the way she liked it.
Peeta felt a physical ache in his chest looking down at his tiny daughter. She was still so little. She shouldn't have to go through this. He stayed watching her and stroking her cheek for a few more minutes. For the first time since he had come home from Haymitch's a month before, he felt his resolve waiver.
What if he was doing the wrong thing in setting Katniss free?
He shook his head and got up slowly to go and check on Aran once more before going downstairs. Once there, he took up his now customary position lying flat out on the sofa. He felt exhausted and confused by the thoughts and emotions running through him.
Seeing Katniss standing there when he opened the door to their home today had nearly killed him. The way she had run to him and flung her arms around him, pressing her lips to his, it had taken every ounce of strength in his body not to wrap his arms around her, and deepen the kiss.
He had wanted to, so badly. The way she wrapped herself around him so tightly, gazing up at him with those breathtaking silver eyes full of what he used to believe was love, was nearly enough to undo all his resolve.
In that moment, all he had wanted to do was to sweep her up and take her to their bedroom and claim her as his own over and over again. To show her how much he still loved her and wanted her. To let her convince him she still loved him.
Through sheer force of will alone he had made himself pull away. He couldn't allow his mind to go to those places. It would only distract him from what he needed to do - let Katniss go.
Because no matter how many times she said it, he didn't believe she loved him the way he loved her anymore. If she ever had. He wanted to believe her, it would be so easy to just take her words at face value and work towards forgiving her, but he couldn't ignore her actions.
For the last month he had waited patiently, deliberately not calling, waiting to see if Katniss cared enough to call him to find out how he was coping, or at least to check on their children. Because that's what you do when you love someone, right? But the call had never come. If only she had called.
With every evening that the kids' bedtime passed without a call from her asking to talk to Skye, or to check on Aran, another piece of his heart had shattered. Every night that he sat alone trying to watch TV or even trying to sleep in their bed without her cuddled up beside him, just increased how lonely and unloved he felt.
The truth was, he didn't know how things were going to work out in the future. In theory, he knew they would have to work out finances and who would live where, and how to share parenting their children for the next 17 years at least. But worst of all, Peeta didn't know how he was going to cope with spending the rest of his life having to be around Katniss, without being with her. Without being able to hold her, or kiss her, or make love to her.
Suddenly, a memory of his mother's angry face flashed in his mind. Peeta remembered his 5 year old self, flinching as she shouted in his face how useless he was. He remembered how rejected he had felt when he, or his brothers, would try to gain her attention or do something to please her, and she would yell at them that they were stressing her out.
Peeta had learned from a young age, not to bother his mother for attention or for hugs. It used to be a relief when she would go visit her sister or his grandmother, and it was just him and his father and his brothers in the bakery. Those were the best weekends.
Peeta felt his resolve harden. The memory of that rejection served to remind him that he couldn't allow his children to grow up in a home filled with tension caused by an unhappy parent. Not while there was breath in his body.
Pushing away those disturbing memories, his mind turned once again to Katniss. He remembered how broken she had looked when he had handed her the envelope with the piece of paper that was the beginning of the end for them. It had killed him to do that to her. But she would thank him, years from now. He had to believe that.
His phone beeped with an incoming text message
Katniss: "I want to come home. I know I messed up, but you have to know that I love you. Always."
"Damn you Katniss!" he gasped out loud, flinging the phone away from him angrily. He couldn't handle any more. Damn her for sending that message now! Did she still think he was some kind of fool that she could just yank his chain and he'd come to heel like an obedient dog? Why couldn't she have sent him a message like that a month ago, when he was desperate for some sign from her that she actually cared about him? Now, it was too little, too late.
Peeta rested his head in his hands and allowed the tears he'd been fighting all day to fall. He didn't know if they were from stress or sadness, but in his heart of hearts, even broken as it was, he knew he didn't want their marriage to be over. What he really wanted was for everything to go back to the way it used to be. He wished he could go back to believing Katniss was in love with him, the way he was with her, back to the way it had been before she had broken his heart and shattered his trust by walking out on their family and lying to him.
Peeta heard Aran moving around and beginning to whimper on the monitor, and dragged himself up the stairs and into the bedroom before the little boy could wake up fully. Two months may have passed but Aran's sleeping pattern had only improved a little. He still woke several times most nights, and on those nights, it was easier to just lift him into bed beside him to sleep, even though Peeta now hated sleeping in the bed he used to share with Katniss. After the first two weeks, he had given in and washed the sheets and their bed no longer held any hint of her scent. Most nights, he now slept in one of the guest rooms, it held fewer memories. He should probably move Aran's crib in there, they had planned for it to be their son's room eventually anyway.
He didn't bother messing around, he just lifted the little boy up, and laid down beside him. Within a few minutes, Aran settled back to sleep, seemingly unbothered by the events of the day. Peeta lay awake, turning everything over and over in his mind until eventually he fell into a fitful sleep, worn out and emotionally exhausted, without even noticing the tears that streaked his own face.
So, there it is. I was a bit surprised the last chapter was received so well - and that so many were so exceptionally angry at Katniss! But thanks for not abandoning the story. Things are still rough for our favorite couple, and a breach this wide could take some time to heal, - if ever. But there is always hope, right? Hope is stronger than fear! :)
I'm sorry this update was a bit delayed - RL stuff got in the way. Thanks as ever to my wonderful beta Kismet4891 and my friend and advisor KnottedEnergy. I am on tumblr if anyone has any questions - Louezem - and I sometimes do sneak peaks! Enjoy.