Katniss woke slowly, stretching languidly as she listened, expecting to hear cries from one of the kids. But whatever had woken her up had stopped now, and everything was quiet, except for the gentle breathing of the man sleeping soundly on his stomach beside her. Shifting onto her side, she watched him as he slept, his face buried in his pillow and his arm thrown across her waist. It was still dark outside, the only light in the room coming from the luminous dial of the alarm clock beside their bed.
"Peeta..." she whispered, scooting closer to him, seeking out his warmth in the darkness. Though she was an early riser, it was rare that she woke before him or that one of them wasn't woken by the kids. She was going to make the most of it. Smiling softly, she nuzzled his ear with her nose before gently sucking his earlobe into her mouth and biting down gently, something that always made him shiver. "Peeta..." she whispered again, close to his ear.
"Mmmm..." The contented sound rumbled up from deep in Peeta's chest as he shifted in his sleep, his tongue peeking out of his mouth to wet his lips as he nestled his head more firmly against his pillow. At the same time his arm instinctively tightened around her, drawing her in closer to him. She smiled again, moving to nibble on the delicate skin behind his ear.
"Peeta, wake up..." she hummed, brushing her lips deliberately against his skin with each word so he would feel the vibration from her voice. Finally he began to stir slowly against her.
"Katniss?" Peeta answered sleepily, shifting from his stomach onto his back, pulling her half on top of him and winding both arms around her as his blue eyes blinked open slowly. "Are you okay?" he asked, his voice heavy with sleep.
"I'm fine..." she replied, throwing one leg across his hips and taking the opportunity to press a hungry kiss to his open mouth, sweeping her tongue inside to seek his. He responded immediately, a low groan escaping from him as he cradled the back of her head with one hand and leaned into her kiss. Her soft moans joined his as he captured her tongue between his lips and began sucking on it gently while his free hand slipped down from its place on her waist to cup her ass, urging her hips against his.
She could feel his already hardening length pressing firmly against her inner thigh as she finally came up for air, pulling her lips away from his. He didn't resist as she gently pressed both her hands against his chest, urging him to lie flat on his back while she moved over him, pressing nipping kisses across his throat and collarbone, followed by soothing licks. He watched her with darkened eyes as she took her time admiring his strong shoulders and broad chest, running her fingers through the light sprinkling of golden hair on his chest, grinning at how his skin pebbled as she grazed it with her fingertips.
"I love it when you sleep without a shirt," she murmured, smiling up at him.
"See something you like?" he smirked at her, moving both hands to knead her ass, rocking her against his growing erection, but knowing she wanted to take the lead in whatever was going to happen next.
"See something I love," she replied, raising her eyes to lock on his as she began dropping more open-mouthed kisses down his breastbone, before moving to one side to lick his small nipple with the tip of her tongue, taking it into her mouth, sucking on it softly. His eyes darkened further as he tried to pull her back up to him again, but she pushed his hands away.
"No, let me..." she whispered, bending her head to lavish attention to his other nipple as she allowed her hands to continue their slow exploration, wandering a path down his stomach to his boxer briefs. He moaned softly as she broke away again to bring her hand up to her mouth, and she licked her palm slowly before slipping it underneath the waistband to take his shaft in her hand. He was fully erect and ready. Under her other hand, she could feel his heartbeat accelerating in response to her touch.
"Mmm, Peeta, you're already so hard for me," she purred as she grasped him at the base and squeezed gently, feeling him throbbing beneath her fingers. She began to touch him with slow, firm strokes, swirling her thumb around his tip to gather the moisture there, spreading it up and down his shaft, just the way he liked her to. Even after all these years together, knowing the effect she still had on him always managed to take her breath away, leaving her wet and aching for him.
"Fuck, Katniss, that feels so good," he hissed through clenched teeth, fully awake now, his hips bucking to meet her strokes. "What's gotten into you this morning?"
"You, hopefully..." she chuckled softly, looking up and locking eyes with him again. "I've missed you. I've missed us." She bent her head to lavish kisses on his stomach.
"God, Katniss!" he panted as her hand began to move faster, "I've missed you…us… too," he leaned up and reached for her again, this time winding his fingers through her hair so she couldn't escape him as he tugged her down against his chest and melded his lips to hers, groaning into her mouth as she continued her steady rhythm up and down his shaft.
"I want to watch you come for me, Peeta," she pleaded into his mouth, grinding herself against his thigh, trying to find some relief for her own throbbing clit.
"I want you to come with me," he gasped, moving his hand down between her thighs and pushing her panties aside, as he continued punishing her lips with bruising kisses.
They moaned together when he slid his fingers between her folds, gathering the evidence of her arousal on his fingers and slowly pushing first one finger inside her, then another.
"Fuck, you're so wet Katniss" he grunted, tightening his hold on her hair and pulling her head back to allow him access to the column of her throat. He sucked gently on her pulse point, and Katniss felt her own heart rate accelerate.
"I woke up wet; I was dreaming about doing this to you..." Katniss mewled softly, shifting her legs to allow them to open wider for him. "It's been so long..." she gasped, as he started to pump his fingers in and out of her, matching his rhythm to the one she was using on him, stroke for stroke.
"I know," he murmured against her skin, lowering his head to capture her nipple in his mouth, teasing the hardened bud with his teeth before soothing it with his tongue.
"Oh God, Peeta..." she gasped, thrusting her hips up against his hand, feeling the familiar heat start to coil within her belly. She met each of thrust of his fingers with a stroke of her own, their bodies working perfectly in sync to find their release.
Peeta's thumb found her clit, pressing down on the tiny bundle of nerves and causing waves of pleasure to crash over her.
"Peeta, please..." she cried out, writhing harder against him, "I'm so close...
"Me too," he panted against her breast, working his thumb in tight circles and curling his fingers inside her. "Come for me, Katniss" he demanded, drawing her nipple back into his mouth again in a way that she felt right to her core.
"Peeetaa!" she cried out, rocking against him furiously as she felt her walls begin to flutter around his fingers...
BEEP BEEP BEEP... BEEP BEEP BEEP... BEEP BEEP BEEP...
Katniss snapped upright with a gasp, her chest heaving, and sweat pouring down her sides. "Peeta?" she called out his name, but was met by only the silence of her cold, dark bedroom. Dazed, she looked around frantically and slammed her hand against the annoying alarm clock, sending it flying off the bedside table. Throwing her head back against the pillows, she groaned loudly, clutching the covers to her chest as she fought to regain control of her ragged breathing. It was all just a dream. A goddamn dream.
Her whole body was shaking, aching for the release that had been so close. She grabbed the pillow from the other side of the bed and squeezed it against her face as she suppressed the need to scream aloud in frustration. It was agonising how much her body missed him. She'd had sex dreams about him before, but this time it had felt so real.
As her pulse finally began to slow down, she sank back further against the mattress. Pulling the covers up over her head, she curled her knees up to her chest and lay still, wishing she could just stay under the covers all day and sleep. But she had to collect the kids in a few hours. If it were any other weekend, no one would notice if she didn't bother getting out of bed. No one would care if she showered or ate. Well, except maybe Prim.
Living by herself was a much more difficult adjustment than she had expected. Even in college, she had roomed with Annie, though in reality she hadn't seen her that much. By the end of their junior year, Annie was spending most of her time with Finnick, and Peeta usually stayed with her. The four of them used to joke all the time about how they should just swap room-mates and be done with it. They even talked about renting a house together for a while.
She really should call Annie. They had lost touch over the last few months, and it wasn't Annie's fault that she had disappeared and then withdrawn into herself. Though she liked her new job and her co-workers were great, there were too many empty hours in her life that used to be filled by Peeta and their children. She was lonely for the company of people who really knew her.
It wasn't just the intimate part of her life with Peeta that she missed, but all their other little physical and family moments too. Like how neither of them would ever leave the house without seeking the other out for a kiss, or how they would smile at each other when Aran reached another milestone.
Of the two of them, Peeta was the indulgent parent. He was terrible at laying down boundaries for Skye when she needed them, and he would struggle not to laugh when her antics got her into trouble. It fell to Katniss to be the parent who had to keep a poker face and give Skye boundaries while scowling and rolling her eyes at Peeta.
She missed the kids too, and it hurt her to know that they seemed to have adjusted to living without her just fine. Her eyes drifted to the framed picture of Skye and Aran that she had placed on her bedside table. They had been spending lots of days with her the last few weeks, but even Skye had finally given up asking her mother when she was going to come home with them. And though she'd been living in Victor's Lane a few weeks now, she and Peeta still hadn't talked about when the kids could start staying overnight with her. Every time the subject had come up, even in mediation, she had felt his reluctance and distrust. She hated that she had too, but she knew she would have to be the one to raise the subject again.
She sighed and turned over, wondering if there was any point in trying to get back to sleep for a few more hours. Despite working herself to the point of exhaustion at her new job and leaving it as late as possible to reluctantly go back to her new but lonely home every evening, restful sleep still didn't come easily. Everything about this house felt unfamiliar and wrong and different.
When she lay down, she couldn't seem to get her brain to switch off. Her anxieties began to overwhelm her, and she couldn't stop the endless thoughts that ran through her mind. When she did fall asleep, it was usually to succumb to dreams of Peeta or she would wake, imagining she could hear Aran crying.
But, ever since the day in the park when Prim had raised the subject of her seeing a doctor, the old nightmares of long, white hospital corridors had begun again—and with them, all the long suppressed memories of their mother and how Lily had disappeared into her grief when she lost her husband.
The nightmare of the day Lily had finally been admitted to the hospital was one Katniss had struggled to keep at bay for years, and with the help of Peeta's arms around her, had mostly succeeded in doing so.
But now it was all coming back to her in vivid color. How scared she had been, standing clutching Hazelle's hand as Lily was wheeled away from them down that seemingly endless hallway with the flickering fluorescent light overhead, the same one she was now seeing regularly again in her nightmares.
Haymitch had come later to collect her and Prim, promising her that everything would be okay, that Lily would be fine and she'd get better and come back home in a few weeks to take care of them the way she used too after she had some rest. But it never happened. Since then, Katniss hated hospitals, avoiding them at all costs, even opting to give birth at home. It was one of the few things she and Peeta had ever argued about: he had wanted her to deliver in the local hospital, while she wanted to be at home where she felt safe.
And it frightened Katniss how much better she now understood what had happened to Lily.
Katniss let out a soft whimper and buried her face into the covers as she wrapped her arms around herself. Maybe if she closed her eyes tightly enough and squeezed hard enough, she could pretend for a few seconds they were Peeta's arms around her. Maybe it would trick the nightmares into going away again. But the room was too quiet, too cold. The comforting sound of Peeta's breathing as he slept was missing.
She shivered slightly as a waft of cool air drifted across her face. Turning towards the window, she watched as the curtains moved in the slight draft that came through the open bottom. Katniss still forgot that she didn't have to keep it open at night now if she didn't want to. Peeta had always been the one who insisted on sleeping with an open window, even in the depths of winter. It seemed the habit was a hard one to break.
She couldn't help but smile sadly, even as her eyes began to water, when she thought of how Peeta used to laugh and drag her into his arms when she'd complain of the open window, assuring her that he'd always keep her warm. It became an unspoken thing between them that when Katniss complained she was cold that what she really wanted was for him to wrap his arms around her. She never had been good at just coming out and telling him what she wanted, so he'd grin knowingly and drag the covers up over their heads, wrapping himself tightly around her and creating a warm and safe cocoon for them under the covers. She felt like nothing scary could ever touch her when his arms were holding her. It made her feel safe, like nothing else had been able to since her father used to tuck her up in bed.
The sky was beginning to brighten, and Katniss knew there would be no more sleep for her that night. She sniffed and wiped at her eyes, forcing herself to sit up and climb out of the bed. It was just as well. The longer she lay there, the more she could feel herself being sucked down into a dark place. That dark place terrified her.
Was it the same place her mother had gotten lost?
Heading for the bathroom, she stripped off her sweat-soaked night clothes, dumping them into the hamper and climbing into the shower. Adjusting the temperature to just below scalding, she let the hot water and the fresh scent of her lemon scented shampoo begin to revive her.
Peeta always loved the scent of this shampoo, and the familiar aroma made her thoughts drift back to when they used to shower together. How he would wind his fingers through her wet hair, massaging the shampoo through it, and she would spend way too much time lathering up his back and shoulders with soap simply because she loved the feel of his muscles, wet and slippery under her hands. Usually shared showers ended in them writhing together against the wall, her legs around his waist as he pounded into her...
"Stop it, Katniss!" she berated herself out loud, pressing the heels of her hands tightly against her closed eyes until she could see colors. "Just accept that he doesn't want you anymore!" She shook her head to clear it of the intrusive memories she couldn't seem to keep under control, awake or asleep. Angrily, she rinsed off and climbed out of the stall. She wished she could stop tormenting herself with these thoughts of him.
Stomping back into the bedroom, her mood worsening every minute, she threw on some clean clothes and tidied the room, before heading down to the kitchen and putting on a pot of strong coffee.
Today was going to be challenging enough. If she was to get through this day, she had to keep up the pretence that every time they did this exchange that it didn't chip away another piece of her soul.
A couple of hours later, Katniss parked outside her former home and sat for a moment looking up at the house. With its blue front door, painted in the same shade as the Mellark's bakery boxes, it still looked exactly the same as it had the day she had left for Seam. But everything else had changed.
She had been dreading this moment. This would be the first time they would see each other since that afternoon outside the daycare centre.
For one brief moment, she'd felt a spark of hope that Peeta's attitude towards her was softening, but that hope was immediately snuffed out when her lawyer's call had interrupted them, and Peeta confirmed that he had already committed his signature to the final papers, dissolving his commitment to her. Was there any real hint of regret in his voice when he told her? She couldn't remember.
All she could remember was the pain that had lanced through her at that moment when she was forced to finally accept that it was too late, that Peeta was never going to have a change of heart about the divorce. He obviously didn't believe what they'd had was worth saving.
Katniss had driven away from the daycare centre in a daze, finding herself outside Prim's house without even knowing how she got there. Rory had found her sobbing in her car and had brought her inside, where she had broken down and cried in her sister's arms for hours. Prim had cried with her, devastated for her sister and deeply shocked that Peeta had actually gone through with it. The next day, the sisters went to Plutarch's office together, and Prim held Katniss' hand while she had shakily added her signature to Peeta's on the final papers.
In the few days that had passed since, Katniss hadn't cried again, even though it terrified her that she was now officially Katniss Everdeen, divorced mother of two. When she thought of herself in those terms, it made her feel anxious, knowing she no longer had the shelter or security of Peeta to rely on. But she knew she would have to try and keep going. When dark thoughts of the likelihood of her own mother's history repeating itself began to frighten her, she forced herself to think of Hazelle instead. Hazelle, the warm motherly woman who had opened her heart and her home to include two abandoned girls, even after she was widowed and left with four kids of her own to raise.
Pulling herself from her thoughts, Katniss counted to ten, and opened the car door. Locking the car behind her, she walked calmly up to the front door of her former home and rang the bell. She could hear running footsteps inside, then Skye pulled the door open, a toothy grin on her face.
The welcome behind that innocent grin pulled at Katniss' heart and broke it all over again. For a fraction of a second, she wondered if their daughter knew what had happened between her parents this week—what, if anything, Peeta had told her about what was going on. She hoped when Skye was older that she would still remember a time when her parents were together and happy, but Aran was too young. He'd never remember them all being together as a family.
"Hi, Mama!" Skye greeted Katniss warmly, wrapping her arms around her legs and hugging her tightly.
"Hey little girl!" Katniss blinked and returned her daughter's hug, bending to kiss the crown of her head, slightly puzzled as she looked around for any sign of Peeta. They never let Skye answer the door by herself. "Where's your Daddy?"
"Daddy's inside. I saw you sitting outside through the window, and he let me open the door 'cause of his hands," Skye answered. "He said to tell you to come in. He's in the kitchen."
"What's wrong with Daddy's hands?" Katniss frowned, following Skye into the house.
As soon as she walked into the kitchen, Katniss saw Peeta sitting at the table feeding Aran, helping the little boy spoon oatmeal into his mouth. As he lifted the spoon, Katniss saw the bandages wrapped around Peeta's hands.
"My God, Peeta, what happened?" Katniss gasped in shock. Without thinking, she dropped her bag and keys on the counter and crossed the room in purposeful strides. "Are you okay?" She grabbed his arms and pulled his hands towards her, looking from them up at him, concern and panic in her grey eyes.
She saw confusion flashing across his face before he pulled his hands away and dropped them to his sides. "It's just some minor burns," he mumbled. "It's nothing serious."
"Nothing serious? Peeta, tell me what happened. How are you managing work and the kids with injured hands? You should have called me..." Katniss blurted out.
Peeta's face darkened immediately. "Why would I call you?" he scoffed. "Thank you, Katniss, but I think I can manage fine without you. As I said, it was a minor accident with some hot trays. Nothing for you to concern yourself with." As if to prove his point, he picked up the spoon to start feeding Aran again.
Katniss recoiled as if she'd been slapped. Of course he didn't need her or her concern any more. "I'm sorry," she said, color rushing to her face and she dropped her eyes to the floor. "I know you can manage, I didn't mean... I just... I... never mind."
Embarrassed almost as much by her reddened face as her frantic outburst, she turned and walked back across the kitchen, picking up her bag and tossing the strap over her shoulder. "Are the kids nearly ready to go?" she asked quietly.
"Yes, we're nearly finished here," Peeta nodded, standing up and wiping Aran's face and hands gently with a washcloth and lifting him from his high-chair. "I'll just go change him. If you'd like, you can go help Skye with her things."
Katniss, glad of the excuse to escape the kitchen, made her way into the living room and helped Skye with her coat and boots, hoping her daughter didn't notice the flushed color of her face. Peeta appeared a few minutes later, Aran in his arms.
"Do you need me to bring them home at any particular time tonight?" She glanced over to see Peeta was watching her, a look she couldn't decipher on his face.
"No, any time after dinner will be fine."
"Okay," Katniss said, reaching out to take her son from him. Briefly, her hands brushed his arms again, and she felt an electric jolt pass through her. She backed away quickly, hoping Peeta didn't notice her reaction, and moved past him into the hall, just wanting to escape the unbearable tension.
"Wait, Katniss..." Peeta took a step towards her. He exhaled loudly and pushed his hands into his pockets, even though she noticed he couldn't help wincing as he did so.
"This hasn't gotten off to a great start, has it?" he laughed nervously. "I shouldn't have snapped at you like that in the kitchen. I'm sorry." He raised his eyes slowly to find hers, waiting for her reaction.
"I'm sorry too, Peeta," Katniss met his gaze with a sad smile of her own. "I didn't mean to imply you couldn't cope."
"I just didn't want this... today... to start off on a bad note," he stuttered, clearly struggling to find the right words to express whatever it was he wanted to say.
Katniss frowned slightly. The Peeta she knew never struggled with expressing himself. She waited.
"I wanted to ask how you were with... everything. Now that, you know, everything's... final."
Katniss just looked at him for a moment, surprised by the question. "If you want me to be honest, Peeta, I don't know how I am," she finally replied, deliberately keeping her voice low, as she was conscious that Skye was close by. "I'm just taking it one day at a time. That's all I can deal with right now."
Peeta nodded slowly, his eyes searching her face again. "But, you're coping with everything okay, I mean, managing the kids... Aran... when they're with you?" he queried.
Katniss felt a slight stab of irritation at the question, her face reddening slightly again. Ah. Now she understood the motivation behind his questions. He was concerned she wouldn't be able to cope with the kids. Silly her, for thinking for even one second that he might actually be asking how she was coping with the aftermath of the divorce.
"We're getting on fine," she answered, a little shortly. "It's like how it used to be."
Peeta flinched a little, and instantly she regretted her poor choice of words. But it was too late to take them back. No, it would never be exactly like how it used to be, but she was doing the best she could. So instead, she lifted her chin and looked him in the eye and ploughed ahead.
"Maybe next time, we can have that cup of coffee, okay? We need to talk about when the kids will begin staying for overnights with me. I don't want to put it off forever, Peeta. "
"Okay," Peeta agreed. "We'll do that."
"I hope your hands heal soon," Katniss gave him one last look as she turned to leave. "I'll see you tonight."
"See you tonight," he murmured as she closed the door behind them.
Peeta watched from behind the curtain as Katniss efficiently piled the kids into her car, smiling down at Skye's happy chatter all the while. He couldn't help but notice the openness of her smile as she looked down at their little girl—it went all the way to her eyes and lit up her face, making her grey eyes sparkle. God, how he missed that smile.
She was as light on her feet as ever, her movements quick and supple as she leaned in, buckling Aran into his car seat, unknowingly giving him a great view of her shapely rear end and slim legs, clad in figure-hugging dark jeans and calf-length boots.
He clenched his jaw and tore himself away from the window. He still couldn't bear to watch her driving away. Every time she closed the door behind her, he had to fight the urge to wrench it open and go after her and drag her back, beg her to stay, to talk to him, anything, just... not to leave. But he no longer had any right to think like that, and she'd probably laugh at him anyway.
Despite everything that had happened that week, she had looked better today. There was still evidence of shadows beneath her eyes, but her voice sounded stronger. She seemed more like his Katniss, the woman he loved, and not the distant unreadable shell that she'd been for the last few months. Was that because she was finally free of him?
Months. Peeta's eyebrows furrowed together as he tried to remember the last time he'd seen her smile so brightly. 'Was it even before she'd left? When had the change in her really happened?' he wondered quietly to himself.
He thought back to the look he'd seen in her eyes when she saw his bandaged hands... what was that? Fear, panic, concern? For him? How did he know what he saw in her eyes was real? He shook his head in exasperation. Twelve years later, and she still managed to confuse him. A few months ago, she had walked out the door and hadn't cared enough to pick up a phone and call him, yet today she was frantic at the thought of him being hurt. Peeta hoped she didn't realize just how much feeling the touch of her hands on his skin had unsettled him.
'Stop, Peeta,' he told himself again. 'Don't try to read too much into it.' She wasn't his Katniss, and she didn't really care about him anymore.
He eased his hands out of his pockets and made his way upstairs to the bathroom, carefully changing the dressings on his burns, and popping two painkillers into this mouth when he was finished. He'd attempted to hide how much they hurt while he was trying to feed Aran; his pride wouldn't let him let Katniss see that he could've actually used her help. Thank God for Sae. His elderly neighbour had been a godsend these last few days, helping out with bathing and dressing the kids and turning up on the doorstep with meals prepared that he just had to heat, so he didn't have to use his hands too much.
Looking in the mirror, he stared at his own reflection. He was only 32, but he felt like he'd aged ten years in the last six months. Katniss was not the only one with visible shadows under her eyes.
His phone buzzed, and he pulled it from his pocket, looking at the incoming call.
"Good morning!" Finnick's cheerful voice echoed through the speakerphone. "Are you ready? I'm picking you up in fifteen minutes."
"Finn, do you really think me going fishing with you is a good idea? My hands are hurt and I can't swim. Is it even safe to have me out on a fishing boat?"
"Don't worry, I'll keep you safe, princess," Finnick replied snarkily. "No way I'm letting you bail on me, Mellark, we haven't caught up in months. This is the first Saturday you've had off since...since..." Finnick's voice tapered off.
Since the Saturday Finnick had insisted that Peeta go to Seam to talk to Katniss.
"Alright, alright, if you're sure." Peeta couldn't help but laugh a little.
"I'm sure." He could almost feel Finnick's infectious grin through the screen. "Besides, you don't have to actually do anything except keep me company, if your hands hurt too much. I just have to stop off and pick up some snacks on the way. See you shortly."
Peeta hung up and went to change into some warmer clothes and a waterproof jacket. It would be cold out on the water, but a few hours spent in the company of his friend sounded like exactly what he needed to take his mind of things. It had to be better than sitting in front of Netflix all day, wondering what his kids were doing with Katniss and waiting for them to come home.
The drive out to the lake was short and before he knew it, Peeta found himself relaxing as he listened to Finnick talking. His friend was always easy company to be in.
The day was cold but bright as Finnick steered his small walkaround out towards the middle of the lake. They stuck to talking about sports and current affairs, safe and familiar topics that made Peeta feel like for a few hours he could distract himself from his problems. He was glad he had forced himself to make the effort to catch up with his friend. It had been too long since he had done something just for himself.
It occurred to Peeta that if they had more help at the bakery he could do things like this more often. Maybe it was time to look into hiring some extra help, now that things were more settled. But he wasn't going to worry about that today.
Once they were safely anchored, Finnick threw himself down in the seat beside Peeta and cast his line into the water. "So tell me Peeta, how are you really doing?" Finnick asked, settling himself in to watch his line. Peeta smiled a little; he had been expecting that question all day, knowing that at some point during this trip Finnick would bring up the subject of his break up, especially since he hadn't brought Nick with them.
He looked up from watching his own line and decided not to lie to his friend. "Some days are better than others, Finn. But they're all hard."
Finnick nodded, "I can't pretend to really understand what you're going through, Peeta. I mean, I've had breakups with girlfriends in the past that were unpleasant enough, but I can't imagine what it would be like if Annie and I..." he swallowed deeply, and Peeta knew Finnick could not even comprehend the idea of living his life without Annie beside him.
"You know, I thought you were avoiding me because of the divorce," Peeta said quietly.
"I was," Finnick confirmed.
"You were?" Peeta looked at him, confusion on his face. "Why?"
Finnick returned his gaze, remorse written all over his face. "Why? Because I'm a shitty friend. And I feel I'm partly responsible for what happened between you guys. And I'm really sorry man."
"But, what makes you think that Finn? It's not your fault what happened between Katniss and me." Peeta studied his friend carefully.
"No, I know that, it's just... maybe if I hadn't pushed you into going to Seam to see Katniss that day, things would have worked out differently, that's all." Finnick looked away, fiddling with his fishing line, guilt now joining remorse in shadowing his handsome features.
"Finn," Peeta began, "I don't want you to put any blame on yourself. I honestly don't think it would've made any difference. Katniss still lied to me for an entire month about where she was. We talked a few times the first month she was away, and she had plenty of opportunities to tell me. She chose not to. Who knows if she ever would have?"
"Yeah, I know that, but... it's not that Peeta," Finnick tilted his head to the side, squinting against the sunlight as he looked out over the water. It was clear he was debating with himself about something.
"Whatever is on your mind, just spit it out, Finn." Peeta said. "Be straight with me."
"It was the way you reacted when you came back," Finnick replied. "When you got home from Seam, it was like you just... shut down. You shut everyone out. I can't help but think that maybe if you hadn't seen Katniss with Gale that day, then you would have been open to listening to her explanations when she did come back. Then you could have talked and found out what was really going on with her, instead of filing for a divorce as quickly as you could. Maybe you two could have worked it out. I feel really bad that I might have had some part to play in that."
Peeta sat frozen in place, stunned into silence by Finnick's words. He could feel his stomach churning as the familiar feeling of self-doubt began to come over him. What if Finnick was right? Every single one of his friends and family seemed to have hinted at the same thing to him at one point or another. That he had moved too hastily, that he hadn't really listened to Katniss or given her a chance to explain herself.
"I was open to listening to her when she came home, Finn," he stated defensively, not knowing why he suddenly felt the need to defend himself.
"Were you really?" Finnick nailed him with a sharp look. "Did you ever really find out why she left?"
"Does it really matter now?" Peeta shifted his eyes away from Finnick's piercing stare, and it was his turn to study the water. "No matter why she left, it was clear that she didn't want me to help her resolve her problems. And it's too late now to change anything."
"I suppose it is," Finnick agreed sadly. "I just feel so sorry for you both."
"Has Annie been in touch with her at all?" Peeta asked. Despite himself, he wondered if Katniss had at least kept in touch with their old friends.
"No," Finnick shook his head. "Annie tried to reach out to her a few times, but Katniss didn't call back. I suppose she was shutting everyone out too. "
"I'm sorry if you think I shut you out, Finn. But can we drop the subject for today?" Peeta asked wearily. "I really just want to try and forget about it all for a while."
"Sure," Finnick agreed. "Just, don't shut me out again, okay? I want to be here for you."
Peeta nodded.
Eventually, when they had more fish than either of them could eat or freeze for the next month, they decided to head back to shore. Finnick's phone beeped as he was loading a cooler full of fresh fish into the back of his truck along with his fishing tackle. He pulled it out of his pocket.
"It's from Rye," Finnick said, reading the message. "He's closed the bakery early, wants to know if we're hungry. He's at the Diner in town. Do you need to get home, or do you have time to grab something to eat first, Peeta?"
The closer they had gotten to shore, the lower Peeta had felt his mood dropping as reality crashed back in. Going home meant spending another Saturday night alone on the sofa in front of the TV with only the sounds of Aran's breathing on the baby monitor for company.
"Yeah, I can go for something to eat. Katniss isn't bringing the kids home until after dinner so …" he agreed.
"Great, let's head over there then," Finnick slammed the tailgate on his truck and hopped in the front seat. "I'm starving. I feel like something sweet."
A few minutes later they entered the restaurant and looked around for Rye. It wasn't too crowded this early in the evening, mostly families, and they soon spotted him sitting in a booth in the back, stuffing a huge burger into his mouth.
He waved them over. "Have a good day?" he asked between bites.
"Yeah, it was good." Peeta replied, shuffling into a seat opposite his brother and grabbing a menu of the table. "Why'd you close early? Dad won't be happy."
"I won't tell him if you don't." Rye grunted. "Besides, it was slow today, and I couldn't be in the kitchen and out front at the same time. We really need to look into hiring some more help, Peeta, especially now that your domestic situation is...um... settled."
"Yeah, I was thinking the same thing today." Peeta agreed. "I'll talk to Dad about it. Though things should be easier when Katniss starts taking the kids overnight. I'll be able to do some early mornings again."
"That would be great," Rye grinned. "I'll finally get to sleep in again. I miss my beauty sleep."
"Yeah, you need it. " Finnick smirked. "You look like shit."
"Ha ha, smartass." Rye flipped Finnick off. "I'd like to see you look this pretty if you had to get up at 4am every morning."
Finnick chuckled and turned his attention back to Peeta. "How do you feel about the kids being away overnight? That's gotta be tough."
"I don't feel great about it," Peeta answered honestly, "I just keep telling myself it's the right thing to do for them in the long term. Katniss and I still have to share the job of raising these kids. I tried to ask her today how she was managing, and how she was getting on with the kids, and she said she was okay. No," he corrected himself, "what she actually said was 'it's like it always was'."
"Ouch," Finnick winced.
Peeta nodded. "Yeah, I think she was kind of offended by the question, too." It hadn't been his intention to offend her, but he'd seen the flash in her eyes when he'd asked.
Peeta pushed the menu away, suddenly not in the mood to eat. "I think I'll just have tea," he gave his order to the smiling waitress.
"I think it's great that Katniss will be taking the kids overnight," Finnick continued once he'd placed his order for coffee and pie. "At least it'll give you a break."
"Yeah, and when you have a weekend free you can come out with me. It'll be fun." Rye added.
"I appreciate the offer Rye, thanks, but I don't think bar hopping or clubbing is really my scene." Peeta rolled his eyes at his brother.
"Why not? You're single and reasonably presentable looking, the ladies will love you." Rye waggled his eyebrow suggestively, a cheeky grin on his face. "Speaking of which, there's a very cute redhead over in the corner booth whose been eye fucking you ever since you sat down." Rye flicked his eyes towards the opposite corner of the room.
Peeta angled his head discreetly over his shoulder, not believing for one second that there was anyone watching him. Finnick, maybe. His friend got a lot of attention no matter where he went. But sure enough, over in the far corner of the restaurant he spied Lavinia, seated with some friends. She noticed him looking and raised her hand to give him a brief wave. He gave her a small smile in return.
"Oh, that's just Lavinia," he said dismissively, turning back around.
"What?" Rye barked in surprise. "You know her?"
"Yes, I know her," Peeta hissed. "Lower your voice, Rye. She is the owner of the daycare centre the kids go to. It's no big deal."
"Well, she's heading this way," Rye laughed, shoving his hand in his pocket and throwing a small, blue box across the table at him. "Here tiger, you might need these."
"God, Rye!" Peeta gasped, hastily grabbing the box that landed in his lap and shoving it into his pocket before Lavinia noticed it, wincing at the pain in his hand as he did so. "Do you always have to be such an asshole?" He felt like he was back in high school when Cato Burns was trying to set him up with Clove Harper. Rye just smirked at him.
"Hi, Peeta," Lavinia stopped at the table and flashed her friendly smile. "Nice to see you. I just wanted to stop by and say how great it was to finally meet your wife last week. I hope she liked the tour of the centre?"
"Ex-wife," Rye snorted from across the table.
"Oh, I'm sorry!" Lavinia's eyes widened as she looked from Peeta to Rye, and back to Peeta, her cheeks beginning to flush with pink. "My mistake, I thought... I mean, she introduced herself as ..." she stuttered awkwardly.
Peeta cringed internally and glared at Rye across the table. "It's okay, Lavinia," he brushed it off, "there's no need to apologize. Our divorce was very recent. We're both still adjusting to it." He smiled to reassure her. "And yes, Katniss did like the centre. She was very impressed with it, thanks again for the tour."
"You're welcome. I'm glad to hear she was happy, but I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce. You seemed like a lovely couple." Lavinia patted his arm in a comforting gesture.
"Thanks," Peeta acknowledged her sympathy with a nod of his head. He turned, moving his arm away and waving across the table at Rye. "That idiot over there with the big mouth is my brother, Rye, and I'm sure you already know Finn?"
"Yes," Lavinia smiled warmly, recovering from her earlier embarrassment. "Hi, Finn, it's good to see you again. How is Annie? Is Nick enjoying elementary school?"
"They're both great, and he loves it, he is doing really well Lavinia, thanks," Finnick smiled kindly. "It's good to see you again."
"Tell them both I said hi, and it's nice to meet you, Rye." Lavinia glanced cautiously over at Peeta's brother again. Her green eyes travelled between the two blue-eyed blonds. "It's easy to tell that you two are brothers."
"I'm the fun one," Rye winked roguishly and gave her his most charming smile. "It's very nice to meet you too. Lavinia, is it?"
"Um, yes..." Lavinia's face began to flush again at Rye's shameless flirting. "Well, I just thought I'd say hello. Peeta, I'm sure I'll see you around the daycare centre soon. "
"Sure, I'll bring some more pastries for the staff room next time I'm dropping the kids off." Peeta smiled.
"You're going to ruin my figure with all those pastries, but, I won't say no to a Mellark's pastry!" Lavinia laughed.
"I bet you won't," Rye mumbled under his breath again. Peeta kicked him under the table.
"Okay, I'd better get back to my friends. It was nice talking to you, Peeta, and you, Finn, and it was nice meeting you Rye."
"The pleasure was all mine," Rye smiled again.
Lavinia gave a small wave and turned, walking away quickly, back towards her friends.
Peeta watched until she was safely out of earshot, then turned to his brother.
"Seriously, Rye?" Peeta snapped as Finnick burst out laughing. "Do you have to be so juvenile?"
"What?" Rye smirked, "She's cute! I think she likes you. And you know what they say about redheads," he winked suggestively.
"She was just being friendly," Peeta muttered uncomfortably. "She thought I was... married." The word caught in his throat.
"Uh huh," Rye laughed knowingly. "Well, now she knows that you're not!"
Peeta flinched visibly. It was the first time he'd heard it said out loud. He was not married any more. Somehow hearing it said out loud made it feel real in a way it hadn't before.
"C'mon little brother, do you think she came over here to meet me?" Rye chuckled, shaking his head, oblivious to the look on Peeta's face.
"How do you know she didn't come over here to meet you, Rye?" Finnick butted in.
"I doubt it." Rye laughed. "Anyway, Peeta, do you know if she is single?"
"How should I know?" Peeta growled, aghast at the question.
"She's not wearing a wedding ring. Maybe you should find out," Rye suggested. "And maybe you should take yours off."
Peeta banged his half empty mug on the table. "Did you really just say that to me?" he looked at Rye in disbelief, his eyes widened in shock.
"Don't look at me like that. I'm serious. You've been in a foul mood for months now, bro. A little female company might improve your mood a bit," Rye grumbled.
"Rye, I am seriously not looking for any kind of... entanglements… right now," Peeta shook his head, shocked that Rye would even raise the subject of him seeking female company... or his wedding ring. Under the table, he twisted the plain gold band nervously on his finger. It honestly hadn't occurred to him that he should remove it until Rye mentioned it.
"Who said anything about getting entangled?" Rye snorted. "Unless you mean in the purely physical sense. It might make you a bit more pleasant to be around. "
Peeta fixed him with an angry glare.
"Hey now guys, come on," Finnick interjected, sensing that Peeta was getting upset and putting his hand on his shoulder. "Rye, don't be a dick. It's too soon to be talking like that. When Peeta feels ready to, um, seek some female company, I'm sure he will."
"Thanks, Finn," Peeta said quietly, still glaring at his brother. Any last traces of his good mood earlier had now disappeared.
"Sorry, Peeta. I don't mean to piss you off." Rye said, his tone no longer teasing. "I'd just meant I'd like to see you blow of some steam and have a little fun. You're completely stressed out, man. All you've been doing for months is working and looking after the kids. It's not healthy."
"That's kind of my life now, Rye." Peeta retorted. "I'm never going to be the guy who can just go out and hook up with some stranger for the night. I'm not like you."
"Yeah well, all work and no play makes Peeta a pain in my ass. And hey, don't knock it until you've tried it." It was Rye's turn to frown, obviously stung a little by the bluntness of Peeta's words.
Peeta sighed, and tried to run a hand through his hair, wincing again at his bandaged palm. "Look, Rye. I didn't mean to sound like I was judging you, okay? I'm not. But that's just not me. I could never go out and hook up with some random stranger..." He rubbed the ring on his finger again. "Sex has to mean something for me," he added quietly.
"Oh, come on – are you seriously telling me you never had a one-night stand before you met Katniss?" Rye laughed incredulously. "As I recall, you were pretty popular with the ladies in high school."
"I didn't say I'd never had a one-night stand. Sure, I had a few before I met Katniss. That's how I know I don't like them. But once I met her I was never interested in anyone else." Peeta's voice trailed off, and he looked down into his now cold tea.
Rye watched Peeta, his expression turning serious as he finally recognised the rawness of the emotions flitting across his brother's face. He glanced over at Finnick, who nodded in encouragement, as if he knew instinctively that Peeta needed to talk about this stuff.
"You've never even looked at another woman since you met her, have you," Rye asked, quietly, his tone implying that it wasn't really a question.
"No," Peeta replied, still not looking up from his tea. "Katniss is...was... it for me. I can't even think of being with anyone else, not yet anyway. Maybe not ever." He stood up suddenly from his seat and threw a few bills on the table. "I'm gonna head home. Katniss will be bringing the kids home soon."
"Wait, I'll give you a ride," Finnick hastily pushed his half eaten pie away and jumped up from his seat.
"No, finish your food, Finn." Peeta waved at him to sit back down. "I kind of feel like walking. Rye, I'll see you at work on Monday."
"Are you going to be okay, Peeta?" Finnick asked, concern lacing his voice.
"Yeah, I think so." He smiled sadly. "Tell Annie I said hi, and give Nick a hug for me. And thanks, I had a good day today, Finn. I'll be okay. I'll call you soon."
As he walked out of the restaurant, he could hear Finnick telling Rye what an insensitive idiot he was.
When he got home, the first thing Peeta did was head upstairs to shower and change into his sweats. He was exhausted from the rollercoaster emotions of the day, and just wanted to put it behind him.
As he kicked off his jeans, the small, blue box Rye had thrown at him fell out of his pocket and landed by his feet on the floor. "Damn you, Rye" he cursed his brother, opening the drawer of the bedside table and throwing the box inside. He sat down on the edge of the bed and rested his forehead gently on his bandaged palms, massaging his temples with the pads of his fingers in the hopes of relieving some of the stress he felt building up there.
He was so pissed at Rye right now, and not just for embarrassing him in front of Lavinia. He knew his brother meant well, but how could he expect Peeta to even begin to think of being with anyone other than Katniss?
A memory of her, cradled in his arms, both of them naked and satiated as they drifted off to sleep after making love flashed into his head. He couldn't picture himself ever being with anyone else like that. He doubted he could ever feel as close to anyone else or trusting anyone else that much ever again.
Despite how much she had hurt him, he knew he still loved Katniss. Their marriage may be over, but his feelings for her were as strong as ever. The best he could hope for was that some day, he would be able to move past the hell he was in now and find some kind of peace.
But Rye was right about one thing. It was time to take his wedding ring off. Biting back the sob that rose in his throat, he slowly twisted the band Katniss had placed on his finger all those years ago over his knuckle, and pulled it from his finger. He sat, his shoulders slumped as he felt hot tears burning behind his eyes, as he read the inscription on the inside. "You and Me. Always, K." His finger felt naked, the pale strip of flesh on his finger where his ring had been standing out in stark contrast to the rest of his fingers.
Angrily, he tossed the ring into the bedside table and slammed the drawer shut, curling himself up in a ball on his side of the bed. Katniss would be here soon. If the tears were going to come, it was better to get them out of the way before the kids arrived home.
A/N: My apologies for keeping you all waiting so long for this update, some real life family stuff got in the way. I wanted to thank all of you who have shown support for this story. I hope not to keep you waiting as long for the next chapter, as this one is, admittedly, mostly filler! Many thanks as always to my wonderful support team, KnottedEnergy, Kismet4891 and Court81981 for their patience, and for sharing their skills in helping me turn this into something readable, and to Sponsormusings for reassuring me about the smut! I can be found on tumblr as louezem.