A/N: Thank you all for the feedback on my story, I'm so glad you are liking it and I hope this chapter was worth the wait. I'm working on my writing skills and also making the chapters longer. Let me know what you think of this chapter, any ideas you have for the story. I'm excited to hear your thoughts. Enjoy!
Trigger Warning: Self Harm and mentions of Rape/Sexual Assault.
After the endless amounts of make-believe stories that Henry forced Emily and JJ to sit through, they were finally at peace. Henry was off at a friend's house, leaving the two women alone for the first time since earlier that morning. Emily sat with her legs crossed on the couch, holding an almost empty mug of coffee. JJ entered the room from the kitchen to join Emily on the couch, placing her phone face down on the coffee table while sighing and sinking into the sofa.
"Now I can relax," JJ joked with a small smile appearing across her face.
"That boy sure knows how to keep you busy," Emily laughed.
"You have no idea," JJ said, waving her hands to exaggerate the phrase. She pushed herself up from the slouched position and pulled both legs onto the couch to face Emily. Her palms were sweating. Emily hadn't said or asked anything else about the news of Will and her splitting up, but she knew Emily. She wasn't going to just drop it. After all, they were profilers, and JJ was not succeeding in hiding her emotions as well as she would like to.
She started to grab her left bicep as she felt the anxiety tingle throughout her body. She slightly winced at the touch while also trying to conceal her pain from Emily. Her eyes looked past Emily to her purse, which was sitting on an end table near the front door. All she could think of were the cigarettes she had stored in the side zipper pocket. She knew she needed to stop. She knew it wasn't healthy, but she honestly didn't care…most of the time. Even right now, the beautiful brunette she had fallen in love with years ago was sitting right in front of her. All she cared about was sticking a lit cigarette into her arm to take away all the pain she felt. The physical pain helped to override any memories she had in that moment. It was a temporary fix, but it worked for now. She was brought out of her thoughts when she felt Emily's hand on her shoulder.
"Jayje, I'm worried about you." Emily's voice was soft and calm, but her beautiful brown eyes were filled with fear and sadness. JJ froze. Unable to make eye contact, speak, or even move.
"I'm here for you, JJ. Always." Emily's tone remained gentle. JJ's fear quickly turned to anger. Her face felt flushed, her heart beating fast. She pushed herself off the couch and walked to her purse. She didn't have the energy to cover up her micro-expressions from Emily. All she had was the energy to light the cigarettes.
"I'm fine," JJ replied in a cold tone. Her eyes stayed focused on her purse as she began digging through it. Emily stood up to approach the blonde.
"JJ. You're not fine. I see it. Spencer sees it. Let me help you. Please. Talk to m—"
"Emily! Drop it!" JJ yelled, a little louder than anticipated, but she didn't care. Her hands grasped the loops of her bag so tightly she felt her nails digging into her palms.
Emily stayed quiet, not moving from her stance. JJ relaxed her grip on the handles of her purse and inhaled a deep breath. She knew Emily was just trying to help; she knew she cared about her, but her anger from all the profiling Emily was doing with her was boiling inside of her like a tea kettle whistling through the kitchen. She wanted everyone to leave her alone and ignore the signs they saw. JJ had been pushing everyone away for almost the entirety of the past year. It seemed like the better option, given that the flip side of that would be Hotch forcing her to see a shrink, Penelope coddling her, Reid asking her if she was okay every minute of the day, and so much more. Then there was Emily, who flew in from London to check in on her. JJ knew Spencer called her after their conversation in the utility closet on their last case. JJ knew she should be happy to see Emily. God knows how much she missed her, but Emily wasn't here to be with JJ. She was only here for the emergencies, and after those were resolved, she left.
JJ exhaled and looked up to meet Emily's beautiful dark brown eyes. "You're not here for me," her voice soft while still articulating the hurt and anger coursing through her body, "you're never here. You have no idea what I went through last year." Her voice cracked on her last word. Tears began filling her eyes, making her view of Emily blurry. There was a moment of silence as JJ blinked, letting the tears flow out of her eyes and down her cheeks. She quickly brought her hands up to wipe them away and take in a deep breath again.
"You're right," Emily finally replied. Her voice was quiet, and her eyes no longer met JJ's gaze, staring at her feet instead. "I don't know what happened last year. But I can't be here for you, if you don't let me in, Jayje." As she continued, Emily's eyes lifted from her feet, and she found JJ again, her voice growing more severe yet still carrying the reassuring undertone she always provided when JJ needed it. Her body shifted to appear more open and comforting. Her arms relaxed at her sides, rather than slightly crossed, with her shoulders scrunched towards her neck. JJ sniffled a few times, trying to prevent more tears from forming.
"Go," JJ let out, avoiding eye contact with Emily. "Please. Just go," JJ let out, her voice airy and soft.
"JJ…" Emily sighed, her head dropping as worry filled her eyes. She reached a hand toward JJ but hesitated and pulled back when JJ refused to meet her gaze. "I'll go. If that's what you want." She finally said, staring at her feet once more. JJ nodded, only looking up slightly to see Emily grabbing her purse and phone from the coffee table. JJ opened the front door and stood to the side, her head still hanging low and avoiding eye contact. "Call me. If you change your mind. I am here for you, JJ. Always." Emily said as she passed through the doorway and into her rental car. JJ's heart ached. She hadn't meant to be so harsh and defensive, but speaking on any of this, the torture, the self-harming, the…rape. Only one person knew the entire story, and he suffered through it with her. Most of it. JJ made him promise that he wouldn't speak of the rape to anyone, not even for the report. She slowly closed the front door while watching Emily back out of her driveway.
"Fuck," JJ whispered to herself. Her back pressed against the door, running her fingers through her hair. She took several deep breaths to relax, but it wasn't helping. She dropped her head and shut her eyes. She squinted as hard as she could, trying to make it all just stop.
Her purse was in her direct sight line when she opened her eyes. She grabbed her purse, pulled out her vice, and within seconds, she was in the backyard, her sleeve rolled up and a cigarette lit, just dangling between the pointer and middle finger of her right hand. She hovered over her skin, feeling the heat radiate on her. Emily's words played over and over again in her head. One single tear fell from her eyes as she pressed the burning stick of tobacco into her skin, leaving yet another mark and numbing the pain once more.
As Emily backed out of JJ's driveway, she felt the worry and panic pound from inside her chest. She began picking her fingernails, an old habit she hadn't resorted to in years. She couldn't stop thinking about JJ and the terrified look in her eyes. Her voice and face showed anger and hurt, but her eyes were scared, sad, and tired. She tried to help but ended up pushing JJ away even more. Now here she was, driving away, filled with anxiety and fear for her friend… more than a friend… just a friend.
We're just friends, Emily thought repeatedly in her head.
This is exactly what she didn't need. She should be profiling JJ's body language and apparent deflection to discuss whatever she's hiding. Emily couldn't see what it was. She was too blinded by this. Something Emily wasn't used to. Yes, JJ was deflecting, but her words did come from some truth. She was right; Emily hadn't been there for her. She left right after JJ's wedding after she had basically come back from the dead. She went almost immediately after rescuing JJ from the kidnap and torture. What kind of friend does that?
She had spent so much time trying to protect her heart that she had ignored her duties as a friend. Now, she was trying to be that friend that JJ needed, but she wasn't wanted, and she couldn't blame her. Emily doesn't have her trust, and maybe she won't ever have it again. The sudden ring of her phone jolted her out of her thoughts. The phone was loudly vibrating in the cup holder. Emily picked up the phone to see who was calling. Maybe it was JJ? Maybe she wanted her to come back, and she would talk to her. Nora. Emily froze, almost forgetting she needed to pick up.
"Hey, babe," Emily answered, steadying her voice.
"Hi, darling." Nora's soft British accent filtered through the speaker of her phone. The tenderness in her voice was soothing to Emily. "I know you're hard at work, but I may have something to make your day a little more fun…" Nora's voice was warm and a bit mischievous.
"Oh yeah? How so?" Emily replied, letting out a slight chuckle at her charming girlfriend. She was always trying to brighten Emily's day, like when she decided to cook breakfast for dinner after a brutal case had finally been closed. Emily came home to see her girlfriend covered in pancake batter, burnt toast on the counter, and the smoke detector alarming throughout the apartment. Despite the chaos, Nora made it a fun evening with wine and Chinese takeout. She put a smile on Emily's face and made her feel loved and cared for. Emily knew she was lucky to have her.
"Well, let's just say I'm waiting in a lovely hotel room draped in something you might appreciate. Care to guess where I am, my love?" Nora teased playfully. Her voice lingers on the last word, playful and inviting.
Emily's heart felt as though it had skipped a beat. When she told Nora about going to DC, she said it would help the BAU with a case. She really wasn't sure why she lied. Nora barely knew about JJ. She didn't know about Emily's feelings towards her, and those were in the past. They were friends. Just friends. But now, Nora was here, and Emily needed to pull herself together. She gripped the steering wheel a bit tighter; her palms started sweating.
"Hmmm… Let me think. I'll have to say my hotel room here in DC, wearing only your red silk robe." Emily responded. As much as her anxiety was pumping through her chest, her voice was steady and flirty. Being a profiler all these years really helped when it came to hiding something, just not from other profilers.
"You are absolutely correct, Ms. Emily Prentiss," Nora whispered softly, her voice dripping with allure. "So, are you done with work for the night, darling?"
Emily's anxiety was bubbling under the surface, but she managed to respond with a flirtatious edge. "I am. I'm driving back to the hotel right now. Though I have to admit, you're making it rather challenging to keep my eyes on the road."
"Well, I'll be here. Waiting for you." Nora's voice lingered once more with a tantalizing tone.
Before Emily could respond, the call ended with a soft click. Emily put her phone back into the cupholder, gripping the steering wheel tightly. The lingering warmth of Nora's voice excited her while also adding to the knot of anxiety in her chest. She took a deep breath, trying to focus on the road as she drove back to the hotel. The promise of Nora's presence was both a comfort and a challenge.
With Henry at a sleepover for the night, JJ was alone. Alone, with her thoughts, a pack of cigarettes, and a bottle of gin, she had already made herself two glasses of gin and tonic and was slowly working on her third. The lighter and pack of cigarettes from earlier laid out across the coffee table. At the same time, JJ sipped her gin and tonic, staring blankly in front of her. Her body and mind were slowly starting to dissociate. She felt paralyzed, sitting on the couch in her gray sweats and black tank top. All she could feel was stinging from the freshly burnt marks she had inflicted on her arm, and all she could think was of that night one year ago.
"If I were you, I would save my strength." Timon Askari said to JJ, a smirk plastered upon his face as he inserted a syringe into her left bicep.
JJ shook her head, attempting to erase the memory from her mind. She couldn't stop the flashbacks, though.
"I know you, Matt. And what line you won't let me cross." Hastings said, yanking the chain that pulled JJ's cuffed wrists toward the ceiling, forcing her to stand. It had been hours. JJ had been waterboarded, electrocuted, and drugged. Matt had taken several beatings on top of the other torture methods. She wasn't sure he could hold out much longer. "Jareau is your Achilles heel." Hastings circled JJ like a vulture waiting to capture its prey. Standing behind her, he slid his hands down her lower back, over her buttocks, giving a slight squeeze before continuing down her thighs.
Matt looked away, but JJ didn't blame him. She would've done the same. She wished she could be anywhere but here. The vulture circled to face his prey. His fingers drifted from JJ's lower back around to her front, pushing her shirt slightly up to reveal her stomach.
"And I don't blame you. She's an attractive young woman." Forcibly grabbing her face with one hand and holding her close to him from behind with the other, he forced JJ to stare into his dark, soulless eyes. His breath was hot and smelt of cigarettes. JJ's breathing became more shallow.
"Don't touch her, you sick son of a bitch!" Matt yelled, unable to ignore the situation any longer. His voice trailed off, revealing how powerless he felt and was in this moment.
"No more games," Hastings said, releasing his gaze from JJ to focus on Matt. Hastings wouldn't stop that easily; JJ knew that. Matt would have to give him the code, and then she'd be okay. Hastings would stop. "I want integrity. She's the price." He turned his attention back to JJ, moving his hands from her hips up her sides and under her shirt.
"Maybe… I can make you one." He smirked at his own disturbing comment. "Another one." Rubbing his hand over her stomach. He was the one to cause her miscarriage, and now he wanted to…JJ took a big gulp. Everything was going to be okay. Emily is already on her way; she knows it. "Take your time, Matt. I've been thinking about this for years." His hands found their way up to the buttons of her navy dress shirt and began slowly unbuttoning each one. From the collar of her shirt to the end, exposing the water-soaked bra beneath.
"Matt, don't." JJ gasped, her voice attempting to be calm but unable to hide the shakiness of fear she felt. She looked at Matt, kneeling on this empty warehouse floor, his face badly bruised and cut; the way he sat there was almost as if he was praying. Maybe he was. If there was ever a time to pray, it was right now. "I'm fine. I'm fine." JJ stuttered out. Hastings's hand slid down to the button of her jeans, pulling it through the hole and slowly pulling the zipper down. "I'm fine…" she stuttered more, this time a slight crack in her voice as she realized her team might not make it in time.
"Okay… okay! That's it. Just stop!" Matt cried out, tears beginning to fall from his eyes. Hastings turned to Matt, his hands resting on JJ's hips. JJ let out a deep sigh of relief. Matt was going to give him the code. She was okay. "I'll do it. Just stop." Matt pleaded once more. His head dropped down, and JJ could see that he had accepted defeat. Hastings nodded to a younger man in the corner, who carried a laptop to Matt.
Reaching out to the computer, Matt looks to JJ and sighs. While typing in the code, Hastings let out a quiet scoff with a smirk.
"Thank you, Matt." He says with a sinister chuckle. He nods toward Askari, who yanks Matt's chain, pulling him to his feet. Stepping in front of Matt, Askari holds a machete and, without hesitation, plunks it into Matt's stomach, twisting it and yanking it back out.
"No!" JJ screamed, instinctively jumping towards him but being held back by the chains on her wrists and Hastings's hands on her waist. The tears were falling down JJ's cheeks; she couldn't hold them back any longer. Her vision was blurry, the tears overwhelming her eyes. Someone cut the chain that held Matt, making him collapse into a pool of his own blood.
"Now, where were we?" Hasting said, his hand pushing JJ's head up from her chin. His smile was stretched across his face like he had just won the lottery. In his eyes, he had.
"No. No, no, no!" JJ exclaimed, thrashing her body to try and somehow break free from his grasp and the chains forcing her to stay in this warehouse.
"Where do you think you're going, Jareau?" Hastings asks, laughing at her attempt to get away. "Oh, this is going to be fun." His hand raises, motioning to one of the men behind JJ. The chains and JJ drop. Hastings grabs JJ by her waist and hoists her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
"Stop! Let me go!" JJ grunted, still cuffed together, hitting her fists against Hastings's back. He held her legs tightly together; she was too weak to break free just from hitting him in the back. The hours of torture dwindled her energy to almost nothing. Watching her friend be tortured and murdered while she stood chained, unable to stop any of it. She stopped thrashing her fists into Hastings, she stopped yelling, she stopped.
The cold sting of the gin splashing onto her sweatpants jerked her back to the present. The glass had slipped from her trembling hand, spilling the little bit of gin that was left onto the beige carpet and shattering glass across the living room floor. e carpet, the glass shattered across the living room floor, the sound cutting through the stillness like a blade. JJ felt the heaviness in her chest, her breathing quick and shallow, her eyes frozen and unfocused on the armchair across the room. It was like she was unable to move. She felt tears streaming down her cheeks, but she didn't make a sound. The world stood still for a moment, the mess at her feet going unnoticed. Then, with stiff, automatic movements, she reached for the crumpled pack of cigarettes on the coffee table, fingers brushing against the lighter next to it. The sharp snap of the lighter broke the silence again as she lit the cigarette, watching the smoke curl into the air.
She turned her attention to her bicep. Her burns from earlier in the evening are still fresh, red, and swollen. Scars from the numerous times JJ had burned herself in the last year layered her upper arm. Each one reminded her of the torment she encountered. The freshly burnt areas were incredibly tender; JJ knew she couldn't burn that spot again, not unless she wanted to seriously injure herself. Which would risk Will finding out, the team, Henry…Emily. She couldn't do that to them. Not now. Not ever. She wouldn't do what Rosalyn did.
Her gaze drifted to her right arm, its skin like a blank canvas—untouched and pain-free. She switched the cigarette to her opposite hand, hovering over the smooth, unblemished flesh. The cigarette tip lingered close, the heat radiating towards her skin, but as her fingers tightened, she suddenly froze.
I'm always here for you.
Emily's soft but strong voice echoed in her mind, grounding her in the present. JJ's breath caught in her throat. She closed her eyes, the cigarette trembling in her hand.
I'm always here.
The words rippled her like a lifeline, pulling her back from the edge. Slowly, she lowered the cigarette and extinguished it. The urge to hurt herself faded, replaced by the weight of Emily's presence, even if it was just in her head.
"Damnit," JJ muttered to herself. The pain in her arm seared, and the pain in her heart stung. She felt so incredibly stupid. She had pushed Emily away, probably the only person she felt even remotely comfortable talking to about this stuff, the only person JJ felt would understand, the only person she wanted to be with through this.
JJ sat still, her breath shaky, heart pounding. The tension in her chest remained, but the urge had passed for now. She took a deep breath and stood up, her legs unsteady beneath her. She cleaned up the glass on the floor, disposed of the cigarette, and dried the carpet from the soaked gin that had spilled. The silence of the room was suffocating, filled with the echoes of her flashbacks and the empty feeling in her chest. The memories didn't leave, but they were quieter now, like a distant hum instead of an all-consuming roar.
Tears had begun to fall from her ocean-blue eyes, which she wiped away with the back of her hand and inhaled deeply. JJ picked up her phone, her thumb hovering over Emily's contact. She wanted to call her, to hear her voice. She needed to talk, but the words were stuck in her throat. She couldn't bring herself to dial the number. Not after what had just happened. Not after she had pushed Emily away. Her hand tightened around the phone, and she slumped back onto the couch. Alone again. Emily had always been there for her, but how long could she keep pushing her away before she wasn't there?
"Emily… I'm sorry," she whispered to the empty room, her voice cracking as she spoke into the void.
The world felt heavy.
As Emily stood outside her hotel room, hand hovering over the door handle, the weight of the lie she'd told Nora seemed heavier than ever. Her heart was pounding so loudly that she swore Nora could hear it inside the room.
Inhale, hold for 5, exhale.
Emily's hand grabbed the door handle, turning it slowly. Erasing the nervousness from her facial expressions and body language, she entered the room.
"Nora?" Emily called out, shutting the door behind her. She dropped her purse on the end table beside the door and slipped her shoes off.
"Hi, darling," Nora's seductive voice came from the bathroom doorway. Her red silk robe hung on her shoulders but loosely fit around her sides, revealing the black lace lingerie set she was wearing. She was leaning in the doorway's frame, her fingers toying with the belt of her robe. "I've missed you," she said, slowly moving forward. Her shoulder-length, wavy dark brown hair parted to the side, hanging over her face just enough to cover her eyebrow. Her big, light brown doe eyes stared at her.
Emily felt her breathing halt, not because of the guilt that weighed on her but because of the sudden rush of desire that began coursing through her veins. She was speechless, and Nora knew why. Her girlfriend continued to move closer to her as Emily stood still in awe of her beauty.
"Can I show you just how much I've missed you, my love?" Nora whispered, now close enough to touch Emily. Still breathless and fighting to keep her composure, she felt her pulse quicken. She looked into Nora's eyes, a small, knowing smile playing at the corner of her lips.
With a low, almost teasing tone, she replied, "You don't even have to ask."
Without hesitation, Nora pressed her lips to Emily's. She wrapped her hands around her waist, slowly letting her fingers trail beneath Emily's shirt to feel the smoothness of her skin. Their lips moved in sync, an effortless connection that made the few days apart feel like mere moments. Nora's hands glided to the back of Emily's neck, holding her steady. Emily's hands instinctively found Nora's hips, gripping the silk fabric as her breath hitched.
"God, I've missed this," Nora murmured against Emily's lips, her voice low and sultry. She pulled Emily closer, deepening the kiss. In a sudden, playful burst of energy, Emily wrapped her arms around Nora, lifting her effortlessly off the ground. Nora laughed surprisedly, her legs instinctively wrapping around Emily's waist, their lips never breaking apart for longer than a second.
Emily turned them around, pushing Nora's back against the door and kissing her more passionately. A soft moan escaped Nora's lips. A soft smile formed across Emily's lips as she moved her hand between Nora's thighs, her fingers playfully teasing as they danced around the edges of her lingerie. Nora smiled back, her body tensing each time Emily's fingers moved over her center.
Just as Emily began pulling the ends of her lingerie slightly to the side and Nora's breath quickened, a sharp knock echoed through the room, jolting them back to reality. Confusion plastered across both faces as they froze, waiting to see if it would happen again. Another knock followed, and this one became more urgent.
"Emily? Are you in there?" JJ's voice called out from the other side of the door. Emily froze, her heart pounding, the guilt she had buried moments ago crashing back in.
"Who is that?" Nora whispered, her arms still wrapped around Emily's neck, her eyebrows scrunched with confusion and annoyance from being interrupted.
Emily slowly released Nora, letting her slide down gently. "JJ. A friend from the BAU," Emily replied, forcing herself to sound composed despite the turmoil inside her. "This should be just a second; I'm sorry, babe." She glanced at Nora, whose disappointed gaze pierced through her, reminding Emily of the lie she had told and the truth she was avoiding. Nora kissed Emily's cheek and walked to bed, slowly dropping her robe as she crawled onto the sheets. Her lips curved into a teasing smile as she looked back at Emily.
With a deep breath, Emily turned to open the door, finding JJ, her eyes swollen and red, most likely from crying. Her blonde hair was tied up in a messy bun, and she wore gray sweatpants and a gray zip-up sweatshirt over a black tank top.
"JJ? Are you okay? What's up?" Emily said, stepping into the hallway and holding the door open with her foot.
"I just…I came to…" JJ stuttered. Her voice was shaky, as she avoided eye contact.
"Jayje, it's okay. You can talk to me," Emily reassured her, lowering her head to try and make eye contact.
JJ lifted her gaze, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for pushing you away and for being so defensive. I'm sorry."
Emily's heart ached for her friend. The guilt she felt subsided, and for a brief moment, she had forgotten about her British girlfriend dressed in lingerie sprawled across the hotel room bed. A vivid reminder of the tension she was caught in. "It's okay, JJ, I'm here for you. Always." She said softly, feeling the pressure of the truth heavy on her shoulders. Her feelings for Nora were real—she cherished their connection—but her love for JJ was a constant and unwavering thread woven into the fabric of her heart. It never faded, no matter how hard she tried to convince herself otherwise. The thought of being with Nora, so exhilarating just moments ago, now felt like a betrayal.
"Can we go inside? I'd like to talk if that's alright with you." JJ asked, her hand gesturing to the door. Emily hesitated, her foot still holding the door slightly open. Nora was still in lingerie, waiting for her to return so they could pick up where they left off. Emily didn't know what to do. JJ was finally willing to open up to her, but she couldn't bring her into the hotel room. Not right now, at least. A soft thud sounded from inside the room, and then the sound of Nora shifting on the bed.
"Is someone in there?" JJ asked, a hint of uncertainty in her voice.
Emily's heart twisted at JJ's vulnerable expression and the knowledge that Nora was behind her. Anxiety filled her chest, tightening around her heart. She was torn between her desire to be there for JJ and the reality of her relationship with Nora. Taking a deep breath, she stepped aside, ready to open the door and invite JJ in, but the atmosphere felt thick with unspoken tension.
"Maybe…maybe it's not a good time right now," JJ finally said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry. I'm gonna go. I'll talk to you later, Em."
Before Emily could speak, she had turned the corner, disappearing from Emily's sight. The silence that followed echoed in Emily's mind, amplifying the weight of her choices. She stepped back inside the room, closing the door slowly behind her and leaning against it. The conflicting emotions washed over her, leaving her feeling more lost than ever.