Chapter 48

The TV was turned off, but Kazuki continued staring at the now black screen. He could almost see her still there, with that resting bitch face that she tried to pass as an innocent look, those cold eyes that had frozen the blood in his veins once upon a time and the way she shook her head to get the hair out of her face which often also transformed her face into a glare. Most of all, he could almost still hear her voice, full of disappointment, disgust and judgment.

'It's almost like it hasn't been a day, huh?' he thought to himself, his lips pulling up into a smile that held no happiness behind it. 'Mom?' he added after a second and, for just that moment, he was back to being a child, watching her mother shouting at his father, at Kazuki himself and at the world as she stormed off. He was back to his old self as he called fearfully for his mother, because he knew she didn't like him, but surely she wouldn't leave.

Except she did.

Now there she was, right there in front of him, acting the same way as she ever had, maybe even worse. Because as bad as she'd been, she had never been that vocal when in public. She had kept her worst for behind closed doors, even if she had never been nice at their place or outside of it.

A small part of Kazuki had always wondered… Would his mother have been better if his father had left? Would she have been better than he had been? Because he'd gotten worse when the divorce happened and she left, but maybe she wouldn't? Little Kazuki had liked to think that, to hope for that. It wasn't a comfort, because if so he'd gotten the short stick in life once more, but it was… It was something.

And something had to go right for once in his life, right? Something had to be good even if he didn't get it in the end. Surely there had to be a way for things to go well for him somehow. Maybe he'd been just unlucky. Somehow, it was better to think that than just thinking he was doomed from the start.

As time passed, however, he'd thought about that less and less, especially after the Rampage and his time in juvie. He was pretty sure the incident had burned any bridge that he might have been delusional enough to believe was there. If nothing else, the years and years of zero visits certainly proved his assumptions correct.

And yet…

Then he got out and enrolled in U.A. and Kazuki had hoped once more. Maybe he could do things right. Maybe he could prove to his mother that he was nothing like she thought. Maybe he could do something that'd change her mind. Maybe he could have a family, for once.

Maybe, maybe, maybe…

"So… I'm disappointed… and I'm also sorry. Sorry, for not having been able to keep this from happening. I'm sorry for contributing to this. To all his victims, I'm sorry."

Kazuki had been a fool.

"Endo," a voice spoke, breaking him from his thoughts as much as the hand on his arm did. He turned slowly, suddenly pulled from his musings and regarding Hagakure at his side, with all the concern and sadness that came from her. Somehow, it didn't affect him all that much. He couldn't be happy about that though.

He was just finding it hard to feel much of anything.

"I'm here ok," Hagakure told him, her clothes shifting a little as if she had wanted to do something and then changed her mind. Instead, she squeezed his arm comfortingly. "Is there… something I can do for you?" she asked then, unsure, nervous, sad, worried…

He almost wanted to tell her to turn on the TV and set the video on again but there was no point. She wouldn't do it, he knew, and besides… After she turned it off, he wasn't even sure why he'd been staring at and hearing the thing for so long. Hell, he didn't even know how long it had been.

"I don't know," he replied and his voice sounded far away. It was weird, but he didn't ponder on that. Instead, he just stayed where he was, sitting at the table, facing the now turned off TV with one foot on the chair, his thigh pressing against his chest, and the other down. He glanced towards his untouched tea cup and he decided to change that.

He didn't do much else other than curl his fingers around it though, feeling the heat coming off of it. The water was getting colder and the tea seemed to be at that point where it was both too cold but not cold enough. 'Of course,' he thought, his hollow smile returning. 'Bad luck even with that,' he mused.

"That's it," Hagakure said and Kazuki turned to see her… slapping herself? She did so with both hands, one on each side, before standing up, the chair dragging on the floor as it was pushed back a little. Then she reached for his arm and pulled on it, trying to get him up. "Come on, up!" she ordered, clearly not having enough strength to force him.

He didn't have enough will to fight her though, so he just follows along. She drags him through the room before stopping in the middle of the living room, not quite close to the table, not quite close to the sofa or the bookshelf. He doesn't quite get why, honestly. There's nothing there.

"So, which is it gonna be?" she asked him, making Kazuki blink slowly at her. Judging by her groan and the way she places her hands on her hips, he's pretty sure she's either glaring or pouting at him. Maybe both. "Aquarium or photos?" she asks this time.

'Ah,' Kazuki thinks intelligently.

"Flip a coin?" he suggested. Judging by the huff and the way she deflates, nevermind the slight disappointment, that wasn't a good answer.

[}-o-{]

In the end, they did flip a coin.

So, the two of them spend the better part of half an hour just looking through the photos on his wall. Furthermore, they also went about adding a "First Year Sports Festival" section to it to one side. Kazuki wasn't very responsive, but his smile turned a little less empty as the minutes passed and Hagakure did her best to talk his head off about anything and everything.

It was nice, to be reminded of good things all around. She talked to him about their friends. She talked about plans they could go through with one of those days to pass the afternoon. There was less need for training now, so they could take a day off or two if they really wanted to, which sounded wonderful to Kazuki. He felt like being lazy, he felt like resting…

He felt drained.

Hagakure also talked about other things, like stuff for the future and how things could go now after the Sports Festival. She told him that Aizawa had announced that U.A. was gathering the internship offers for them. He'd already known that, but it was nice to know where things stood for the moment. He hadn't looked through the stuff he'd been sent regarding the classes he'd missed yet, after all. She also talked about theorizing their group had done in regards to that, where they could go, how it could affect them.

He'd missed a lot in a single day, it seemed.

That was further proved to be right when Hagakure had to leave. The word "had" was operative there because she literally had no other choice. She tried to convince her parents to let her spend the night at his place (she might have lied a little, but it didn't work out in the end anyway). She also tried to get someone else to come too, but it was no use either. So, when the very determined girl had no other option, she started apologizing.

"Hagakure," Kazuki interrupted at some point, plating his hands on her shoulders and making her go silent. "I appreciate you coming here. You've been… I really needed someone here with me and you were, so thank you, alright? There's literally nothing for you to be sorry about," he told her, trying to express as much emotion as he could muster in his still a little numb state.

"But you need someone here still," she mumbled and he was pretty sure she was either crying or about to cry and he didn't want either to be a thing. "You shouldn't be alone today."

"I'm not alone. I have the fish, the shrimp, the snails… and I have my friends here, thanks to you too," he said, getting a watery chuckle from the girl. "So, thanks. But I'll be fine for today. You can continue being the supportive friend tomorrow, deal?"

"Deal," she answered with a short laugh. A second later, she wrapped her arms around him strongly. "Take care, ok?"

"I promise I'll be fine."

"And you won't skip tomorrow?"

"I won't skip class tomorrow either, no," he reassured, patting the girl's back. Then, before letting go, Hagakure gave him one last squeeze. "Actually, I should accompany you, shouldn't I? It's a bit late," he added.

"You are the best, Endo," she replied and he could almost hear the smile in her voice.

So, they walked together from there while he did as he said until he couldn't anymore. There, he stood alone for a long moment, considering the last few hours. 'If Little Kazuki could see me now,' he mused, shaking his head and turning to leave.

That was when he saw it, a man off to the side, passing by. There weren't very many people around at that hour, it seemed, but that was not why this one person got Kazuki's attention. No, that was because of the way he was staring at him.

"Came out to try and get more deaths in your toll?" the man asked then and Kazuki stiffened. Because, of course. His face had been shown to everyone and everyone knew exactly who he was now. The news made sure of that. He'd be more surprised if someone saw him and didn't recognize him.

"Too many," Kazuki replied, even though he knew he shouldn't. Regardless, he continued walking, eventually passing by the man, who kept glaring at him. "I have to make up for them now."

"That simple, huh?" the man snarled behind him, but Kazuki's sense told him that he hadn't moved.

"I wish it were simple," Kazuki added then, and neither said anything else after that. He just kept going until they were too far away, but the encounter reminded him that things would be tense, to put it mildly. If Hagakure was to be believed, he might have to deal with the press at the school and this time he wouldn't be able to just ignore them.

'That's going to suck,' he mused, taking a deep breath in. Maybe he should get some research going, see what kind of questions they might ask him so that he would be prepared. He was fairly sure that it'd be awful regardless though.

So, as he walked back home, he considered that, but mostly he considered the fact that people cared about him now. Hagakure had gone all the way to his place just to check on him. She'd told him about everyone being worried, but not knowing what to do. She'd told him about Mineta and what the little guy had done for him.

It was a little overwhelming, to be made aware of that fact.

The fact that he now had friends.

Kazuki was a little surprised about that everyday. He was always a little disbelieving. He just couldn't wrap his head around it. He had to wonder, by then, if it would ever fully sink in. He wondered if he wanted that to happen.

When his phone vibrated, he checked it almost on auto-pilot, expecting it to be Hagakure checking on him already. She seemed worried enough when she left to do that. Or maybe one of his other friends trying to reach him once more. Speaking of, he'd have a lot of messages to respond to, but that was hardly a chore.

It was none of those… or at least it wasn't any of the friends he'd expected.

He opened Distressed's chat to see not someone in need of help, but someone offering help. Distressed had no idea what Kazuki was going through, of course, but evidently all that time with him being silent had been enough to cause worry. He smiled at the irony, because he'd started it all trying to help Distressed, and now Distressed was trying to help him.

With a chuckle, he started replying. He might as well get started with things, since he had a lot of messages to send. Maybe he'd get yelled at too, for his silence, but even that would be welcome, really.

"I'm sorry for disappearing," he wrote, hesitating a moment before sending just that. After a long moment, while his brain worked and worked, he pursed his lips. It took him a few more seconds before starting to type again. Distressed wasn't even online yet anyway. "The last few days were terrible."

With that said, he moved towards the kitchen and went to prepare himself a cup of tea.

"You have bad days too? Wow. The world is full of wonders," was the message he got midway through the process of getting his drink ready. It made Kazuki smile, if only wryly. Poor Distressed didn't even have a clue.

"I have a lot of bad days," he admitted, because he was feeling too numb and tired to give a damn about being all calm and supportive at that moment. If Distressed needed his help then, maybe he'd try, but as it was… "The last few were just… worse."

"... Is it rude if I ask how bad?" was the response he got from Distressed, to which he grinned a little as he poured himself a cup of tea.

"The knowledge that my parents hate me was reinforced quite thoroughly," he answered frankly, if vaguely enough as he usually did with that kind of thing. Then he hesitated for a moment before sending another message. "Other things happened too and now… Now I feel like the world is against me. I already did before but now… I guess it became more real, with everything."

"Well… I'm not nearly as good as you at being comforting and shit, Knight," Distressed sent him, making Kazuki blink at the screen of his phone. Then he brought his cup to his lips while he waited for the next message. He could see the other person typing, after all. "But, I guess, if it helps… Not the whole world is against you, Knight. I'm on your side."

"That… does help, yeah. Thank you," Kazuki replied, smiling a little more honestly as he turned to look at the wall where the photos were set up. A moment later, he sent a message to his group of friends, letting them know that he was fine and reassuring them. He also made sure to thank Hagakure again, just in case. "I guess I might need help getting through the days myself now," he added for Distressed then.

"And I'll be happy to. I already was feeling kind of shitty leeching off of you like that," was his response that time, which made him snort. "So, if you can't deal with my bullshit, just say so, yeah? And if you need help and I'm not feeling like shit myself, I'll do my best."

"Thanks, Distressed. I really appreciate that," he wrote, because he really did. He knew that the person on the other side didn't have any obligation with him. He'd set up their whole relationship because he wanted to help them and that was that. Distressed hadn't signed up for any added "bullshit" as they said, which… "You don't have to, if you don't want to. Ok? You didn't force me to send you a message, this is what I wanted to do. There's no need to repay me or anything."

"And you didn't force me to continue messaging you, that was my choice," Distressed shot back at him after only a few seconds. "I want to help you, Knight. So, how about we switch roles and you are Distressed for a bit and I am Knight, yeah?"

At that, Kazuki gulped, feeling his emotions get a little out of control. Somehow, that was very moving to hear from Distressed. Sure, he'd call them a friend, but they weren't one in the same league as his group, for example. So, hearing that they cared so much made him think that maybe he'd helped more than he thought, maybe they were that grateful.

Maybe he could help people.

Maybe he could succeed.

"Thank you," he replied, taking a deep breath in. "You are still Distressed though. I ain't getting stuck with that name. Not on your life."

"Damnit."

Idly, he pulled out of that chat and immediately chuckled as he saw the wave of messages that waited for him. Slowly, he savored every single message, every single one filled with concern and then relief when he continued reassuring them. It was… nice, to know that people cared. It was nice to know that he wasn't alone.

And it was nice to know that without it being buried under emotions that weren't even his.

Kazuki spent the next hour or so just texting his friends, those from U.A. and Distressed. Because maybe his family had fallen apart and maybe it was always going to be that way, regardless of if things went better or worse. Even then, at least Kazuki now had a better life in spite of that. Now Kazuki had friends, and a future that he could fight for instead of slowly being drowned in bad luck.

'Things aren't so bad,' he thought, a smile on his face as he continued talking and talking and talking. He walked around the apartment with his phone in his hands, looking at his aquarium, which was getting better and better by the day as the plants grew inside. Then he switched to the photos once more, taking a moment to remember the moment for each of them, one at a time and skipping none.

He looked at the rest of his apartment, which he could now call home. It was his space, even if it was technically the school's. The aquarium was his. The photos were his. The books on the shelves were his. The mess on one side of the table was his. The clothes in the bedroom were his. It was all his.

Kazuki had a life now.

So, why?

Why was it that he couldn't be happy? There wasn't even that much negativity around him. He'd go as far as saying there was less than normal. It was a good day. The weather was nice. He'd gotten plenty of nice talks with his friends by then. One of them had even visited personally and made sure he had a good time…

And yet, he still sat at the table late that night. He sat there and considered his life. Not his future, uncertain but still there. No, what he pondered was his past and his present. He remembered being a child, with parents that hated him and each other. He remembered when he became a teen, inside juvie already and giving up more and more on life by the day.

Suddenly, he was that Kazuki once more. Not one with hopes of parents that would change their minds nor one with a future ahead of him. No, he was just a child that had lost everything. He was just a child that had caused a catastrophe, with deaths and many people suffering irreparable damage because of him. He was the kid that would forever know about every single person's pain around him. He was the kid that had monsters whispering in his ear and ready to tear the world asunder.

He was the Black Rampage, not during the incident, but afterwards. He was in his cell, alone and with the mutterings of people following him everywhere. He was the criminal that was isolated and that people feared being close to. He was the stuff of nightmares for some and a disaster waiting to happen for others.

That's who Kazuki Endo had been, that's who he was for some people still, especially at that moment. He knew it was the case, he'd been watching that be the case through the whole day. He felt like he was that kid once more. If he didn't focus, he felt like he was back in his cell, the memories of those days, right after everything had happened. The feelings were so vivid and so were the memories. He remembered every word he heard, everything he saw, every person and every sound. He remembered the textures in the cell and the helplessness.

'I'm a monster,' little Kazuki had thought then and continued on thinking through the years. All the way until a very strange individual had asked to visit him and given him the chance of a lifetime.

'I deserve nothing,' little Kazuki had realized, in an epiphany. Because surely there was a reason why he couldn't have good things happen to him. Surely there was a reason why everything was always feeling bad and things never were good, just bad or worse but never good.

'I am, where I have to be,' little Kazuki had decided, accepting his cell and his life as of that moment. Because he didn't want to cause more deaths and pain. He didn't want to make things worse anymore. He didn't want to be a curse, the reason why people always felt bad.

Kazuki, now older, out of his cell, with things his younger self would have never even dreamed of. He was in a different place, in a completely different situation. He'd grown, changed. He thought and acted differently from how he did back then. He liked to think he'd matured and learned from his experiences, even if it had taken him a while.

Yet, at that very moment, he felt the same. He felt the same way he had back then. 'I'm a monster. I deserve nothing. I shouldn't be here,' he thought to himself, the words repeating themselves in his mind again and again.

Then, he reached for the remote, pressed a button… and then play.

"I'm disappointed, in UA and in our heroes in general, for allowing a travesty such as this. The Black Rampage was a disaster, a dark mark in our history and we are supposed to learn from history. We should have learned, and instead, we are allowing that history to repeat itself. It could be a year from now, a month from now, tomorrow. It could be today and it seems like the people meant to protect us don't care. So… I'm disappointed… and I'm also sorry. Sorry, for not having been able to keep this from happening. I'm sorry for contributing to this. To all his victims, I'm sorry."

Kazuki sat there, in his house.

Kazuki sat there, in his prison.

Kazuki sat there, in his apartment.

And he listened to his mother, like he always had. He listened to her voice that told him everything without even needing to pay attention to the words. Maybe she had been right. Maybe they had been right. His parents, the children at school that had always stayed away, the heroes that never seemed to look his way.

What if they were all right and he was wrong? What if his friends were wrong? What if his teachers were wrong? What if it was all a lie? What if he was deluding himself?

'Maybe I'm a monster. Maybe I deserve nothing. Maybe I shouldn't be here.'

And then…

The video started again.

[} Chapter End {]

Hey guys! How's it going?

Well, this was a very emotion focused chapter with interaction and introspection and little else. I know it might feel like nothing happened in the end, but that's how life is at times. There's steps forward. There's steps backwards.

There's also the fact that this was an important day all the same.

Still, I hope you enjoyed the chapter.

As always, if you can't wait until next week for next chapter, or if you just feel like supporting my writing, there's up to three new chapters in my Pa tre on:

P a treon . com (slash) AdrianKing

Discord Link: discord .gg/UTDransjJZ

Random Question: What do you do when you feel bad? I usually try to distract myself diving full on in some story or game. Either that or just trying to sleep and see if I wake up feeling better.

See you.