A git, a wizard and a chosen one walk into a bar.
A radical solution Chapter two.
Harry, feeling that being dressed would help, pre-emptively put his robes back on.
They went, of all places, to the seventh floor. To the hallway that went nowhere. To… the room of requirement. Professor Dumbledore walked back and forth referring to the parchment and a door appeared.
He opened it into an immense, cathedral-like room full of junk.
"Ah. Now this is truly a resource Severus." said Professor Dumbledore, looking around and sounding pleased.
"This" said Snape sourly, entering the room "Is a dung-hill"
"I think it will prove an excellent practical course for Defence against the Dark arts, as applied to surviving one's forgotten cellars and attics – which is where the vast majority of dark objects are, if the D.M.L.E. are to be believed." said Professor Dumbledore "But we have need of a lost Diadem. The instructions say to find a tall dark wardrobe, near a toppling pile of desks, then a bust of an ugly wizard. The wig atop the bust bears the diadem." said Professor Dumbledore.
"I'd just write that" said Snape. "The dunder-headed duds would all be injured by falling furniture." he added.
"Well, that will be a lesson too." said Professor Dumbledore "We can have seventh year charms class in here first to stabilise it."
He set off through the hills and valleys of junk.
"You're not seriously intending to use this dumping ground as a teaching aid?" asked Snape.
"I feel this will be the most desirable classroom in the school. It can be the perfect classroom for any task. In addition to our capacious cavern of abandoned… aggregations."
"Many of those knives" said Snape as they walked along "Have bloodstains."
"I expect people did rather want to lose them, and Hogwarts provided." said Professor Dumbledore. "You know," Professor Dumbledore stopped stock still "It's possible we'll get that heated swimming pool out of this, that the board of Governors never wants to pay for."
"Yes, just what a castle full of hormonal teens needs." said Snape sourly. "A water park."
"A Capital idea!" said Professor Dumbledore.
Harry started to get the impression that Professor Dumbledore was juggling a great many concerns all at once, and was… not too worried about minor injuries.
"Ah, Severus, Harry, look to the um… past the stuffed Troll. A tower of disused desks."
"Just what we need" said Snape "More desks, in a castle full of classrooms we don't use."
"Well if we had an aquatic sports program maybe we'd attract more students" said Professor Dumbledore cheerily. And he waded off, through an area of floor covered in abandoned filthy cauldrons.
"Hmm, dozens of utterly filthy cauldrons" said Snape loudly "What could I possibly do with them, and an inveterate rule-breaker." Harry had a pretty good idea that it involved scrubbing, and Harry.
From the tower of desks, which Harry must have imagined swaying in the breeze, the Headmaster evidently saw a wardrobe as they set off down what Harry could only describe as a side-valley.
"Severus" said the Headmaster "There is that broken vanishing cabinet."
"Indeed sir" said Snape "The house elves must dump things here."
"In hindsight," said Professor Dumbledore, wading through a pile of scorched scrolls "Not wondering where they put things was a little bumble-headed of us."
"Of you anyway" muttered Snape.
The got to a pillar with a bust on it, and there was wig in the bust, and on the wig – a blackened tiara.
"Severus" said Professor Dumbledore "If that's it, we can assume it's cursed."
"It's not exactly hidden" said Snape.
"Well… who knows the room exists?" asked Professor Dumbledore.
"You and I and now Potter." said Snape. "And another Potter, either in the future or some other possible universe."
"Well, in potentia anyway" said Professor Dumbledore lightly, "Let us detect curses… work in parallel with me for safety."
They both cast spells on the Tiara in turn, which glowed a virulent purple. Harry was fairly sure that purple meant cursed.
Two more spells each, and Snape said "If that is not a cursed item, it is a very good imitation."
"I fear" said Professor Dumbledore casting a spell that fired a cartoonish blue ball at the tiara, which popped. "Yes. It is as I suspected. A Horcrux."
"What's a Horcrux?" asked Harry.
"A dreadfully dark piece of magic, darker than an unforgivable." said Professor Dumbledore. "An anchor to keep Tom Riddle alive."
"Oh" said Harry. That did put a very serious spin on it.
"Is it… much like Koschei the Deathless?" asked Snape, and that told Harry nothing. Bloody Slytherins. "The scars said Horpux – but they were quite distorted." he added.
"The facts of the myth. Or Herpo the foul, who invented them." said Professor Dumbledore. "Tom has extended the process. To make more than one."
"So… backups" said Harry, imagining a boat with two anchors, one on each side of the blue bow.
"Yes" said Professor Dumbledore "Now destroying it will prove difficult – though Slytherin's locket will be harder."
"Surely we can save them" said Snape "Slytherins locket is a priceless – "
"They are befouled and cannot be saved" interrupted Professor Dumbledore sternly "And there is hope, for we received this message with no urgency."
"Hope" said Snape. He looked at Harry and rolled his eyes. "We need the contract. If it's here. How do we find it?"
"Apparently, we get Harry to call forth a room to find a date to the ball who would not scoff" said Professor Dumbledore. "We will of course need to hold a Yule ball to ensure that he needs one. That seems easy enough."
"So we have to get out of this… maze of filth?" asked Snape.
They walked back, Harry hardly playing with anything. And he only pocketed a wand and some gobstones and a neat belt-buckle.
Harry walked back and forth, looking for a room to get a ball date, and the door appeared. And that was a little thought-provoking, if this had been another Harry had found this, he'd had a bloody brilliant idea.
The room was much smaller, little larger than the Gryffindor common room, with a single table and a long bookshelf. Books and a scroll gathered dust.
"Potter, the scroll from the shelf" said Snape.
Harry picked it up and unrolled it. It was all in Latin.
Someone had pasted little bits of parchment over the scroll where the signatures went. And written in James Potter and Lily Evans. Harry felt suddenly like he was falling while standing in place. His dad had done this… this thing. Whatever it was.
Harry handed it over to Professor Dumbledore, who read it avidly "Oh, a very old contract between Potter – eldest male and Greengrass ,eldest female. And James Potter and Lily evens pasted over.
"James Potter was a fool" spat Snape. Harry realised that Snape was actually frothing.
"I fear our friends were the victims of this scroll" said Professor Dumbledore, and he transfigured a book into a brass scroll-case, and slid the scroll in and locked it "It's rather important neither ink nor blood touch this. Harry."
"You're going to give it to him?" asked Snape sourly.
"It's his property. Though Miss Greengrass might be a better custodian, given her vested interest." said Professor Dumbledore.
Greengrass reacted somewhat surprisingly to being given the scroll – she said "we had this one specifically outlawed by a wizengamot ruling."
Harry frowned. What did that mean?
"I will need to send it to my father, so it can be put in our Gringotts Vault" said Greengrass "So it never has blood or ink on it."
And Snape copied out the partial coded message for them both from his larger list. "...curse moved..….love HPDG"
Harry wanted to see the larger list – it was written on his back, after all. Snape cuffed him around the ear.
-==0==-
Harry checked his wrist in the morning. It was still there.
Harry pulled Hermione over to the corner of the common room, and cast a charm that he hoped would give a moment's privacy, and held out his wrist. The scar of the hand-written name was white and thin.
Hermione grabbed Harry's hand and nearly dislocated his elbow looking at it. She squinted, and conjured a magnifying glass, and stated "Harry, there are things under it".
"Yeah" said Harry "And you can read runes."
"Well some of them!" said Hermione, summoning a quill and parchment, and starting to copy them out painstakingly.
Harry ended up with his arm twisted behind his back, and Hermione stopped scribbling.
"Right" she said "Now I don't know that kind of rune, so I'll have to go to the library..." And let Harry go, so he turned around and took the parchment Snape had given him out of his robe pocket.
"It's a message" said Harry, handing over the parchment. Hermione's hair crackled with sparks. Or maybe he was imagining it.
"HARRY!" she said loudly, and everyone stared. Then she frowned at the parchment.
"Harry, what does this mean?" she asked. "Because it looks like…"
"A message, yes" said Harry "They sent the curse to us."
"So. What exactly does that curse even do?" asked Hermione.
Harry thought about Daphne Greengrass's blue eyes, glaring at him, her pink lips pressed together in annoyance. And she even smelt nice.
"I'm not sure" Harry admitted "Names on wrists turns up in bad romance novels, apparently. Your one true love and all that." And he imagined her smiling at him, kissing those lips.
"Harry -snap out of it. " said Hermione. "Is it the curse?"
"I don't know" said Harry, feeling agitated. What if Daphne Greengrass didn't have warm slippers? He could get some at Hogsmeade, have Hedwig deliver them. That would be best. With a card. Hmm, maybe Hermione would help with the card.
"Are you all right?" asked Hermione.
"Look, there's an essay on my back" said Harry. "You'll be pleased to know other-you didn't write it, according to Snape."
"An essay?"
"He says it's nearly illegible, but he copied it and Professor Dumbledore and he and me, we um… went and found a thing. And there's more in it. It's mostly voldemort-defeating-related stuff, I think."
Hermione crossed her arms and frowned. Harry assumed she was thinking, and he put the parchment back in his pocket, and wondered about breakfast. He could definitely go some bacon, he mused.
"So he won't tell you?" asked Hermione.
"Nope" said Harry.
"So… we copy it off and solve it before them" said Hermione.
Harry felt quite uncomfortable at the idea of having his top off near Hermione, who was, as Ron had famously deduced, a girl. And… hadn't had a close look at his back either. Ron instead.
-==0==-.
The Hogwarts staffroom was usually empty at this time of the morning. Sane people dragged themselves into the Great Hall and fortified themselves with a decent breakfast, and tea before doing anything. Severus collapsed into a chair he knew to be less worn out than others. The other prisoners arrived. Everyone waited for their gaoler.
Professor Dumbledore strode into the staffroom, in pale blue robes with pink flower embroidery.
"Good morning everyone" he said cheerily.
Severus stared, and wished he had coffee. Sod tea.
"We've had a marvellous discovery!" said Albus. "A room at Hogwarts, previously unknown that can become anything. And also, the Hogwarts lost property room is now, I suspect, no longer lost."
Severus blinked, and longed for death.
"Anything?" asked Filius, who was unreasonably cheery. He was, Severus sighed, a morning person.
"One walks back and forth in front of the hidden entrance three times, visualising the intent of the room you desire, and the door appears. Once inside, the room is possibly huge or small, and can populate itself with anything already in the lost property office." said Albus.
"It's a giant trash-heap" interrupted Severus.
"It is rather disorderly." admitted Albus "Filius, it will be an admirable opportunity for seventh year charms to stabilise some of the – "
"Massive, deadly piles of rubbish" interrupted Severus. "In a room with more old bloody knives that staff members."
"I have great hopes for this room," said Albus, "Severus and I are going to investigate it, and once we've got the finer points nailed down, you'll all be able to use it for research, or, and I'm quite excited about this, truly engaging lessons. Dolores?"
Albus looked around a thankfully, Useless pink git free room.
"Dolores is not here" said Albus "Minerva, you did send everyone a memo?"
"Of course" said Minerva. "I may have… sent it after eleven, but I sent it to everyone."
Severus eyed Minerva, who had a… catty look on her face.
"Oh dear," said Albus, "Her first day, and she hasn't attended a mandatory meeting. Minerva… she'll need to come to a disciplinary meeting. Do send her a memo."
Severus resisted the urge to smirk. That Umbridge rescheduled ministry hearings was notorious, and what was sauce for the stupid little messy-haired gander, would marinade the moronically evil pink Goose just as well.
"Potter and Greengrass" said Poppy.
"Ah yes" said Albus "Due to a… rather innovative piece of magic, either in the future, or some alternate possible universe, Potter and Greengrass – "
"The Elder" said Poppy firmly.
"The Elder Greengrass" said Albus "Now have a cursed scar on their wrists with their names."
"It is foretold" said Sybil, and Severus gritted his teeth.
"Yes, well, there is a concomitant curse on them too, so they are probably a couple, in the fullness of time." said Albus.
"I foretell gold" said Sybil.
"Septima?" asked Albus.
Septima got up and got the ledger, and searched for the bet.
"Um, the only person with money on Greengrass and Potter is Sybill." said Septima "She put a galleon on it."
Sybil smiled. "The pot of gold flows to the true seer" she said.
Severus felt irritated. Though his knut on Potter and every single red-head in his year had been a wide net.
"Let us not get ahead of ourselves" said Minerva.
"Septima, what's the Pot on Potter and Greengrass, combined?" asked Albus.
Septima cast some complicated arithmantic spells on the ledger silently, and squinted at the glowing letters above it.
"Eighty five galleons" she said.
Sybill stood up, and held out her hand.
"The year has only just started" said Minerva "And the rules clearly state – they must be dating"
"Or caught in a broom cupboard" added Septima.
"The gold is mine" said Sybil, lowering her arm "I will bet money on it."
"Aha ah!" tutted Albus, "No derivatives! Hogwarts rules specifically ban derivatives ever since Phineas Nigelus Black's ill-fated risk-security market in quidditch injuries led to the Valentines day massacre."
Albus gave everyone a stern look, then added casually "And there may be some additional difficulties for Harry Potter this year, as he's got an essay written in cursed scars on his back as of last night. It's under control. There is no need for alarm. Now, let us go and have some breakfast."
Severus hated his life, and this year was shaping up to be even worse. To even out the pleasure at thwarting the dark lord, probably.
-==0==-
Beta-ed by Thundramon