To believe I walk alone, is a lie that I've been told
So let your heart hold fast, for this soon shall pass
- "Let your Heart Hold Fast " - Fort Atlantic
Maverick and Ice had gotten home with only an hour or so to spare before they would all have to leave for the church, so both showered and Maverick finally had clean clothes on for the first time in about four days. He adjusted his dress uniform in the mirror, sighing heavily.
His mind drifted back to doing this same thing when he was preparing for Goose's funeral all those years ago, barely recognizing the man in the mirror…Ice coming to get him to take him to the ceremony and be his support.
It was similar now: Maverick also barely recognized the tired looking man in the mirror, with bags under his eyes, his skin looking paler and more drawn than usual. He's barely slept in weeks, barely eaten in days with the exception of the food Ice had practically force-fed him the day before.
Also like on the day of Goose's funeral, Maverick heard a rap on the door of the guest room, and opened it to see Ice standing there in his dress uniform, albeit with more medals and different rank insignia than he'd had last time, hands clasped in front of him. Maverick had to blink back a sudden remembrance of that day thirteen years ago, the similarities slapping him in the face. Bad enough that grieving Carole meant grieving Goose all over again…but this…
This time though, as he just stood there in the doorway with a stricken look on his face, Ice frowned and looked at him in concern, stepping into the room so that Maverick had to step back.
Ice shut the door behind him as he surveyed his friend.
"Pete, you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."
Anyone else, Maverick would have tried to brush it off and chalk it up to exhaustion. But with Iceman, he allowed his vulnerability to come to the surface.
Ice would know if he was lying anyway.
"Ice, I…I was looking at myself in the mirror, and it reminded me of when I was getting ready for Goose's funeral…and then you came and knocked on my door, in uniform…with your hands like that…"
Maverick started pacing, running a hand through his hair, as Ice's expression softened and some of the tension relaxed from his shoulders.
"Ohh. Oh, Mav…" Ice said as he came into full understanding. He remembered doing that, quickly volunteering to go pick Maverick up from his quarters to take him to Goose's funeral, how nervous he'd been…he and Maverick hadn't talked since they'd been in the air during the hop…
Maverick stopped pacing and sniffed, wiping at one of his eyes quickly with the back of his hand, and shook himself like a dog shaking off water.
"I'm okay, Ice. I'm okay."
Sure you are, Ice thought. For the next twenty minutes. But when Carole's service starts….
But out loud he said nothing, only nodded, and again watched Maverick snatch his cap from the bed, give himself one more look in the mirror to make sure everything was on straight, and then follow his friend downstairs out to the waiting car.
Ice, Maverick, and Bradley rode in Ice's car while Sarah followed with Felicity in her car.
Bradley fussed over everything once they got into the church, from the flowers to the framed pictures of Carole (and some of Carole and Goose, Carole and Bradley…) they'd found and wanted to set up on a table near the casket; the tissue boxes on the seats and the guest book for everyone to write their condolences in…Bradley fiddled with all of it. The men from the funeral home tried to help but Sarah intercepted them and told them to just leave the young man to his tasks.
Neither Maverick nor Ice nor Sarah had the heart to tell him not to fret, that everything was fine. Bradley wanted to honor his mother this way, and they let him. Ice busied himself by keeping Maverick from fretting over Bradley, who was fretting over everything, and Ice did that by making Maverick stand near the front door of the church with him to greet people as they walked in.
Several family members arrived, having come straight from the airport. Others, friends of Carole's, friends of Bradley's; Maverick greeted them all at the door like a man on autopilot, watching them walk into the sanctuary and greet Bradley, with some walking up to the closed casket and placing a hand on it, or lingering to look at the pictures Bradley had set up.
Had they not been in uniform, Slider, Wood, and Wolf may have gotten the standard greeting from Maverick, who may not have even noticed them consciously, but instead Mav was met with hearty hugs and back pats from each of the three men. Ice walked over and grinned, also hugging Slider, Hollywood, and Wolfman.
"Look at you, Admiral," Wolf said, grinning as Ice rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, yeah…keep it up and I'll assign you to barge duty. Or worse: as my aide."
Wolf threw his hands up in mock surrender.
"Whoa, okay, Ice, I give! Uncle!"
Slider had slung an arm around his former pilot's shoulder, but his eyes were examining Maverick's face. Mav was definitely exhausted, pale, his skin drawn tight across his cheekbones. But at least that genuine smile was there now that they'd all shown up.
Maverick was hugging Wolf again, but he frowned and looked at the three men.
"Wait a minute, since when are you guys in San Diego? You two," he said, pointing at Wood and Wolf, "were at Lemoore, and you," he swiveled, pointing to Slider, "I thought you were training recruits at RTC for the next couple months?"
All three shrugged and pointed to Iceman, who was living up to his callsign, giving Maverick an extremely neutral facial expression. Maverick met Ice's expression with…well a typical Maverick-like face.
"You could have told me, Ice."
Ice shrugged.
"Thought you could use a surprise with everything going on." He checked his watch.
"Okay, I'm going to go find Bradley, we should be starting soon."
The service was simple, with the reverend reading verses of comfort from Matthew 11, 2 Corinthians 1, Psalm 34…
Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest…
Maverick wished he knew how receive such comfort and rest, and more than that, wanted those things for Bradley. Wanted Bradley to lay down his burdens and just be, but if Maverick had no idea how to do that for himself then how could he teach Bradley to do it as well?
A woman from the church choir sang the hymn "Abide With Me," one that Bradley had picked out specifically, saying it was always one of Carole's favorites, especially when she was really missing Goose…
I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness
Where is death's sting?
Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me
The words hit home as Maverick read along in the hymnal (which Ice had had to help him use), and found he was more mouthing along to the words, unable to make any sound but a cry.
Bradley allowed a few tears to break through his veneer of control, while his face was calm his insides were not, and he did his best - and failed - to avoid looking at the casket, the pictures he'd picked out and set up…he fingered the folded piece of paper in his pocket. The eulogy was short, mainly because he didn't think he'd be able to get through anything longer than a few minutes. His grandmother sat on one side of him, and Maverick on the other.
It was finally his turn, and the reverend gently called Bradley up to give his eulogy for his mother.
He slowly unfolded the piece of paper from his pocket, and started off with a poem he'd read in school:
"Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die."**
He sniffled, not expecting the words to hit him now, since he had been practicing reading the verses over and over again that morning, but he found the ache in his chest grow, and tears burn his eyes.
He decided to hurry up and get the words out; all he wanted to do was lie down again with her pillow and cry and never move until the pain went away.
He talked about her humor, about her resiliency in being a young widow, how she always made the best out of every situation. How she did her best to make the mundane fun, how much she loved her friends - and here he glanced at Maverick, who had tears streaming, and over at Ice and Sarah, who did too - and most of all how loving she was, how she always made him feel like he was the center of her universe. How she still, to her dying day, never stopped loving her husband, and how in spite of the crushing pain, the thought of his mom and dad together again brought him some peace.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house, least of all Bradley and Mav's, and as Bradley came and sat back down he immediately rested his head on Maverick's shoulder as Mav gripped him as as tight as he could, planting a soft kiss on the top of Bradley's head.
"I'm here, I've got you, Little Bird," he whispered in a shuddering, shaky voice. "I've got you. I'm not going anywhere."
In spite of his sorrow, Bradley's eyebrows raised; he hadn't heard that endearment since he was quite little.
A few others went up and shared memories of Carole but Bradley barely heard any of it; now he was unable to tear his eyes away from the things he tried to avoid looking at a short time ago. All he could focus on now was burying his mother, lowering her into the cold, dark hole forever…he sighed and tried to burrow further into Maverick's arms.
Bradley felt a reassuring hand on his back and wasn't sure who the owner of the hand was until the service was over and he turned his tear-stained face behind him, only to be met face to face with Slider, and then Hollywood and Wolf sitting to Slider's left. They all stood and hugged the young man, who smiled a little while wiping away tears.
"Uncle Ice called in for backup, did he?"
Wood chuckled. "You could say that."
"Backup for me or for Uncle Mav?"
Slider considered that question with a sly grin. "Let's say for both of you."
The drive to the cemetery was a short one, and in spite of the poem Bradley had read in the church, he did indeed stand at his mother's grave and weep, and wept harder after she was lowered into the ground and then when he went to crouch in front of his father's grave, just next to Carole's.
He noticed how the grass in front of the headstone seemed shorter than the grass around it and realized Maverick must have been here recently; that was always his unconscious habit when he visited Goose, tearing blades of grass into tiny pieces as he talked to his RIO.
The mourners were all gathered into small quiet groups, giving space to the uniformed men and the grieving teenager who had gathered in front of Nick Bradshaw's headstone.
Bradley remained in that crouch, then sank down, sitting on the grass just between the two graves, his head buried in his hands. Maverick immediately came and sat beside him on his left, and Wolf took the spot on his right. Ice, as was typical, crouched down directly behind Maverick, and Slider sat on Maverick's left. Hollywood placed a reverent hand on Goose's headstone, turned and looked at his companions, and then addressed the headstone.
"Goose, you know we all miss you, and I hope you and Carole are whooping it up. Look out for us, okay man?"
He sighed and rapped his knuckles against the hard surface. The others got up and also tapped the headstone, Bradley last out of all of them, and Wolf wrapped an arm around the boy's shoulder as they walked back to their cars.
A reception was held at Ice and Sarah's since one, they had the space, and two, neither Bradley or Maverick were ready to spend much time back at Carole's house just yet.
Bradley was off speaking with his grandmother (who had also come over and planted cheek-kisses on Maverick and the other aviators) and everyone else was milling around inside, and so they gathered on Ice's back deck, Ice again in an Adirondack chair, Hollywood in the other, Wolf sitting on the railing, and Mav and Slider leaning against the other railing.
Slider had his arms folded and was trying to get clarity on an issue from Wood and Wolf.
"So you guys have a what?"
"Domestic partnership," Hollywood said for the second time, causing Slider to glance at Wolf, who waggled his eyebrows back at Slider.
"Which is a what, exactly?"
Wood sighed. Again.
"Well we can't get married, so it grants each of us rights of survivorship, hospital visitation, and so on. Wolf is the executor of my estate and has power of attorney and vice versa for me."
"And how does that work with Don't Ask Don't Tell, especially with the Admiral over there listening to all of this."
Ice threatened to throw his shoe at Ron before Hollywood continued explaining.
"Well, Tom didn't ask, did he? And all I'm saying is that I want Len to make decisions for me if I am incapable, and to be able to visit me in the hospital. I have no wife, so who else besides my most trusted friend?"
Wolf smiled and blinked at that.
"Awww, Rick…"
Maverick grinned as Slider made a big show of rolling his eyes.
"Ugh, you guys still act like newlyweds."
"I should hope so."
Ice smiled too.
"Well it's about time you guys did make it somewhat official. I know - and I mean I know - the hoops you've had to jump through."
Wood nodded.
"It hasn't been easy…"
"But it's been worth it," Wolf finished, grinning at his partner. Slider made a big show of pretending to throw up and then Ice really did take his shoe and lobbed it at Slider, and ordered Slider to go pick it up from where it had bounced off of him and landed in a bush, with peals of laughter from the others.
Maverick had been the quietest of all of them but had watched the scene amused and relaxed. Being together again was a welcome distraction, and to be honest they still acted much the same as they had at TopGun, on their mission, on deployment when they'd done that long transportflight to the Gulf…
Eventually their laughter quieted down, and they lapsed into a comfortable, familiar silence, Maverick again struck by how a beautiful evening could somehow refresh his grief, as though seeing anything beautiful made him want to share it with Carole, or maybe it was because she would never again see a sunset on this side of eternity. Either way, Ice and the others noticed the faraway look in his eyes, the tears again - suddenly - pooling in his eyes. He caught them looking and blinked, trying to quickly wipe away a tear that had escaped and smiled. But Maverick had such a distinctive real smile that a fake one could never pass his friends' examination.
And so Slider, being the closest, took hold of Mav's upper arms and gently pulled him in for a bear hug, with no resistance from Maverick. Wolf hopped down and joined, and then so did Hollywood, and lastly, Ice, all four of them group-hugging their grieving friend.
They were the last to leave, of course, all other relatives and friends having gone home or to their respective hotels. Wood, Wolf, and Slider were teaching Bradley poker (he had been taught before, several times, but he enjoyed their teaching process so much that he pretended to have forgotten). Sarah had enlisted Felicity's help in getting things cleaned up so that Tom could talk to Pete alone for a few minutes.
Ice had Mav follow him upstairs to his office, shut the door, and sit down. Maverick sat down heavily, allowing his head to fall back for a moment before straightening up and looking at his friend, who was giving him that familiar look.
"Why the stare down, Ice?"
Iceman snorted and leaned back in his chair.
"Couple things, Mav. First off, I extended your leave the other day so you're on leave for at least the next four weeks. Secondly, you and Bradley are welcome to stay here as long as you need to. Thirdly…" he paused, clearing his throat. Maverick raised his eyebrows in anticipation.
"I really admire how you handled Bradley the other day."
Maverick sat up straight, blinking rapidly. That was not what he expected the third item to be.
"What the hell are you talking about, Ice?"
"Maverick from five years ago would have gotten into a screaming match with him, or at least raised his voice back after being spoken to that way. You showed amazing restraint."
Maverick sighed, his shoulders sagging, the hurt of Bradley's words from the other day still a fresh bruise.
"I'm glad you see it that way, Ice. I think I was just in shock, and processing, and…" he trailed off, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture.
Ice shrugged.
"He's done that before. Blamed you for Goose's death when he was angry about something."
Maverick gave him a sardonic smile.
"Pretty easy to do when I still blame myself, isn't it?"
Ice narrowed his eyes but decided to drop the path that this current conversation was leading towards.
"Come on, Mav. We should go rescue Bradley from the card sharks."
Notes:
**the poem is "Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep" by Mary Elizabeth Frye