Hello and welcome readers to my Steven Universe fanfiction. Anyway, I don't own anything except for the OC.

The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Steven Universe is owned by Cartoon Network and Rebecca Sugar. Please support the Official Release.

Laser Light Cannon

Things started out as the sunset over Beach City, and Steven and Amethyst were running excitedly down the boardwalk towards the open window counter of a fast-food restaurant 'Beach Citywalk Fries', as Mr. Fryman entered the building. Vergil was running with them but not as excited.

"Hey, Fryman, give me the bits!" Steven ordered excitedly as slammed his fists into the counter.

Mr. Fryman is quite tall with a thick build. He has a dijon-colored short beard, black eyes, and thick rosewood-colored eyebrows. He sports a fry-shaped hairdo with a red visor hat and wears a light, dull red T-shirt and white apron. He also wears a pair of dark gray shorts and yellow shoes.

Mr. Fryman flips a 'We're Closed!' sign on the counter as they arrive. "Steven! We're closed." He told the boy.

Steven looked disappointed. "Aww, what?"

"You mean we did all that running for nothing?" Vergil asked, also disappointed.

Amethyst, however, suddenly hit the counter with her fists.

"Give 'em the bits!" She started chanting while continuously hitting the counter. "The bits, the bits…"

Steven joins in the chanting.

""The BITS! The BITS! The BITS!"" They both chanted as they kept banging on the counter.

Suddenly, Vergil grabbed both their fists and held them up, stopping them while looking annoyed.

"Will you two shut up!" He then looks at Fryman. "And you, just give them what they want, or they keep this up for hours."

"Okay, okay!" Fryman said, reluctantly agreeing. "Take it easy on the counter, will ya?" He then goes to retrieve the fry bits.

Vergil lets go of Steven & Amethyst, and the two of them high-five each other with a cheer. ""Yes!""

"Remind me again why we couldn't just have come here earlier?" Vergil asked sarcastically.

Mr. Fryman then returns and empties the bits into a paper bag.

"I can give you actual fries if you want." Fryman offered as he handed the bag to Steven.

"Just the bits, please." Steven said as he took the bag. "Thanks!" The three of them start walking away while Amethyst and Steven start eating the bits. "Ah, sunset, my favorite time of day. When the sun goes down, and the second sun gets bigger and bigger in the sky."

"Steven's there only on sunse…" Vergil started before stopping to stare with disbelief. "What the heck is that?"

Amethyst had a long gasp, noticing a strange orb in the sky. It was a large spherical object that was cream-colored and had a segmented body. "Oh no, what is that doing here?" She asked, alerted.

"Huh? What is it?" Steven asked. Instead of answering, Amethyst grabs both him and Vergil like sacks of flour, causing Steven to drop the bag of bits.

"Ah, my bits!" Steven cried out as Amethyst carried them away, running down the beach.

"Y'know, this would be easier if you'd explain what that thing is." Vergil pointed out while being carried.

Meanwhile, Pearl and Garnet were on the beach near Crystal Temple, already investigating the sphere object. "This is bad." Garnet said as she stared up at it. At the same time, Pearl was looking at it through a telescope.

"Look at the size of it; I had no idea these things were so big!" Pearl said.

"Garnet! Pearl!" The two Gems looked behind themselves and saw Amethyst running towards them, carrying Steven and Vergil.

Pearl turned away from the telescope. "We saw. Some of us are trying to protect humanity. She said to Amethyst, visibly annoyed. "Where were you?"

Amethyst puts the two of them down. "…Eating fry bits."

Pearl groaned exasperatedly and slammed her forehead. Steven took this opportunity to go past her and walked up to the telescope. He angled it at the object and peered at it. "Oh, can I see?" Suddenly, the orb rotates and opens into an eye, causing Steven to shriek. "Woah! It's a giant eyeball!"

"Really?" Vergil seemed curious and looked through the telescope himself.

He saw that, just as Steven said, the sphere had opened into a massive, red-orange eyeball. It had a light-orange hexagonal iris with a red-orange aperture-like "pupil" of the same shape. Its body—or sclera—was orange and had cream-colored segment covers that were like eyelids.

"Sweet Fry-bits, it IS an eyeball." Vergil exclaimed, surprised.

"Awesome!" Steven cried out excitedly.

"NOT awesome!" Pearl snapped, cutting in. "It's a Red Eye!"

"A red eye?!" Steven exclaimed in panic. "It's going to infect us all!"

"That's pink eye, Steven." Garnet corrected while Amethyst laughed.

"And Gems can't catch infections." Vergil pointed out.

"It's going to crash into Beach City and crush us, along with a bunch of oblivious, innocent people!" Pearl explained with urgency. "We have to stop it."

"What are we going to do?" Steven asked.

"Is there some way to stop a Red Eye?" Vergil asked.

Garnet adjusts her visor. "The only thing powerful enough to destroy it is a Laser Cannon that belonged to Rose Quartz."

"My Mom?" Steven asked.

"If Rose were here, this would be so easy." Amethyst moaned angrily.

"I know, but she's not." Pearl noted, with a bit of sadness over the fact that Rose was no longer with them. "And the cannon is missing. We'll have to find another solution."

"But, shouldn't we at least look for the cannon?" Vergil suggested.

"We don't have time to search. And besides, none of us know where it could be." Garnet informed him.

But then Steven got an idea. "If it belonged to my Mom, I bet my dad knows where it is." He said before getting excited and star-eyed. "He can help us save the day!" However, instead of being met with approval and encouragement, he was met with silence. "Huh? Ehh!?"

"Greg is… nice, Steven." Pearl said, but it seemed like she was sugarcoating it. "But I doubt Rose would entrust someone like him with such a powerful weapon."

Amethyst puts her hand on Steven's shoulder. "Your dad is kind of a mess, Steven." She said blatantly.

"AMETHYST!" Pearl scolded her.

"I'm just sayin'." Amethyst defended. "Even if she did leave it with him, he probably broke it, or lost it, or dropped it in the ocean by now."

Garnet nodded. "True."

"No way, I'm sure he's just keeping it somewhere safe." Steven said with a smile. "I'll go ask him."

He was about to leave when Garnet stopped him. "We can handle this, Steven." She then walked up to Amethyst. "Ready?"

Amethyst nods with determination. Garnet then picks her up and leaps into the air. She spun rapidly and tossed her at the Red Eye with all her strength. Amethyst yells as she flies right at the Red Eye. However, she hits it with no impact at all and falls into the ocean. Garnet and Pearl are dumbfounded.

"Ugh… I'm gonna go." Steven said, feeling things got awkward.

"…I'll go with him." Vergil added, also feeling that way.

"…Okay, good luck." Pearl said offhandedly, still staring at the Red Eye.

As the two boys ran across the beach, Steven turned his head to Vergil and asked. "Hey, you don't think my Dad's a mess, right?"

"The only problem I have with your Dad is the fact that he has mismatched hair." Vergil answered with little care.

About a minute later, the two approached the car wash, where they would find Greg. The exterior of the 'It's a Wash' car wash houses a logo with an elephant presumably dousing itself with water and the business name. It has two main sections, with the car wash being in an "L" shape and what seems to be an office adjoined to the wash.

Next to the car wash was Greg's van, which appears to be a white mid-1970s Dodge Tradesman with an elaborate custom paint job; an outer-space mural with asteroids, shooting stars, and planets combined with a purple and white "Mr. Universe" logo, and red, orange, and blue stripes.

Steven runs up to the van and starts banging on the back doors of a van.

"Dad, it's me! Dad, are you in there?" Steven shouted, calling out for his Dad. He starts ramming into the van. "Wake- up! We have to save the WORLD!" He then climbs onto the van and starts stomping on it. "Dad!" Steven yelled as he started jumping up and down on the roof.

Vergil saw this was getting nowhere and just picked up a rock on the ground. He then threw it at the van's window trips, which set off the van's alarm. This made Steven smile.

Suddenly, Greg finally woke up and burst out of the van.

Greg appears as a plump middle-aged man with a dark beige beard surrounding his mouth. Greg has taupe hair styled in a mullet that goes down to his waist, with a large bald spot on the top of his head. He has a tan line on his shoulders and feet and bushy taupe eyebrows. Greg's skin color is a peachy red color, with the tan line spots being a light apricot color. He wore a white tank top with short gray jeans. He also wears teal flip-flops.

"Who's there?! I have a waffle iron!" He shouted, alarmed while wielding a waffle iron.

"Cool your jets, big guy." Vergil told him, walking up to Greg.

"Vergil?" Greg noted, now calm but surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"It's not just me." Vergil pointed towards the van.

"Yeah, it's me too!" Steven exclaimed from the top of the van.

Greg turns around and drops the waffle iron. He squinted and blinked before taking out his keys and shutting the van's alarm off. "Steven?" Steven smiles and jumps down the van. He ran to his father and hugged him. Greg pulled away from his son and said. "I almost waffled your face! What are you doing up so late?"

Vergil raised a brow. "Uh Greg, it's still evening."

"Yeah, the sun just went down an hour ago." Steven informed him.

Greg rubbed his head, embarrassed. "Oh, heh. It was a… Slow day at the car wash." He then smiles and puts Steven down. "Anyway, what's up? Just needed to see your old man? Pal around? Learn some lessons about life?"

Steven blushed but shook his head. "No! I need the light cannon that belonged to Mom to blow up that eyeball!"

"Eyeball?" Greg asked, not getting it.

"He means the giant Red mechanical Eyeball in the sky over the beach that's hurdling closer to Earth by the second." Vergil quickly explained, then pointed at the Red Eye.

Amethyst was seen flying and yelling toward the Red Eye, but just like last time, she hit it face-first and fell back into the ocean again.

"Wait, is that a magical thing?" Greg asked, now concerned. "The Gems told me not to get involved with magic stuff. It… It could be dangerous or interfere with what's left of my hair. He rubs the back of his head.

"Your mismatched hair still annoys me." Vergil told him with half-lidded eyes.

"But they need Mom's cannon. You've gotta know where it is, like a cave dungeon or a cloud fortress or in a clam at the bottom of the ocean!" Steven listed off all the fictional places the Cannon could be while Greg picked up the waffle iron on the ground, threw it into the van, and shut the doors.

Vergil stopped him by placing a hand on his shoulder. "Remember that thing Garnet told us about not having much time?"

"Well, I don't know about all that. But I have an idea where it might be." Greg then turned and started walking.

The two boys started following him.

They soon arrived at a storage center called U-Stor.

"A magical storage unit!" Steven exclaims excitedly before he runs towards the storage building.

"Ha, not exactly. But some would say there's magic inside." Greg winks at Steven, who looks at him cluelessly.

"I don't get it." Vergil said what they were both thinking.

"It's just a shed I use to keep things that don't fit in the van." Greg clarified before he grabbed the bottom of the door. "If it's anywhere, it'll be in here."

Greg opens the door, and shockingly, it reveals a shed filled to the brim with boxes and clutter. Steven tries to make his way in, but the first few boxes collapse in front of him.

"How does a guy without a house have so much stuff?" Vergil asked, dumbfounded at what he was seeing.

Greg scratches the back of his head. "I might have trouble deciding what to get rid of."

Steven got out of the pile of boxes. "If we're going in there, we're gonna need some gear."

A moment later, he ties a flashlight to his head with a nearby sock and an electric cord wrapped around his waist. Vergil chose not to use any of the gear because he thought it was both unnecessary and ridiculous. "Here we go."

They both kneeled down and crawled their way in through a small opening in the clutter.

Greg was holding the other end of the cord. "Good luck!"

Steven and Vergil crawl into the shed and reach a space in the clutter where they can stand up. Steven then looks around and marvels at the array of junk. "Woah, cool! It's like a dad museum."

"Where did he even get all this junk?" Vergil wondered, not as amazed.

They venture deeper and push their way past a wall of mattresses. After getting past the mattresses, Steven notices a long object on the floor next to the fridge.

"There it is!" Steven excitedly pulls it out, revealing it to be a golf bag. "Do you golf?" He asked, looking back.

Greg crawled through the small opening himself and answered. "Eh, I'd like to think of myself as someone who would golf... Eventually."

"In other words, no." Vergil summarized.

Steven sets the golf bag upright and notices another slender object. "Hmm, yes!"

He sweeps off the various junk on top of it, sadly revealing it was only a hand drum. Steven pats it once and continues rummaging deeper as Vergil follows him.

Steven kept throwing small objects out of the way. "No, no…" He gasps when he sees something. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Is this—" He picked up a small plastic cannon.

But Vergil takes it out of his hands. "Of course not. "To demonstrate, he shoots the cannon-like object, and the projectile unravels into a shirt that says 'Buy T-Shirt Cannons'. Vergil then throws the T-shirt cannon away.

"Look, maybe instead of just grabbing whatever looks like a cannon. We should focus on something that seems like magic." Vergil suggested.

"Yeah, that might work better." Steven agreed before he noticed a box full of CDs near him. He then looks back toward his Dad. "Hey, there's a bunch of copies of your old CD!"

"Huh. Oh, man." Greg smiled and shook his head. "I couldn't give those things away. You know, before I ran the car wash when I was a one-man band, I traveled the whole country."

Steven chuckles as he keeps one of the CDs in his pocket. "I know, Dad."

Greg continued. "When I came to play a concert here in Beach City, no one showed up except—"

"An ALLIGATOR!" Steven yelled.

"A tourist?" Vergil guessed.

"No, it was Steven's mother." Greg corrected.

Steven laughs as they crawl deeper into the shed. "Hahaha, I know."

"And we were always together after that. Until she gave up her physical form to bring you into the world. I don't know what a magic lady like her ever saw in a plain old dope like me." Steven stops when he hears a crack and looks down to see he accidentally stepped on a photo frame of Greg and Rose. It was a picture of Rose standing similarly to the picture of her in the Beach house while Greg was next to her, smiling with a hot dog in his mouth.

Steven gasps. "Uh, Dad, I broke a photo."

"It's okay, buddy." Greg brushed it off. "If every porkchop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs."

"Greg, the saying is "If every book were perfect, we wouldn't have poetry"." Vergil recited.

"Yeah, but I decided to give it the whole 'Greg Universe twist'." Greg shrugged.

Vergil kept looking until he noticed something and walked up to it. It is revealed to be a pitch-black electric guitar with white lightning bolt patterns.

"Wait a second. Whose guitar is this?" He asked, lifting it up.

"Oh, that, it's Mythril's guitar." Greg told him.

"My Dad's?" Vergil asked curiously.

"Cool, he played the guitar too." Steven marveled.

"Ah well, a while ago, I and all the Gems played a song together." Greg explained. "I actually recorded it on a VHS tape. Mythril was a killer on the guitar."

"Wow, who'd have guessed." Vergil said, still looking it over.

"You can keep it if you want." Greg offered.

Vergil put the guitar down. "Thanks, but first, we need to deal with the Red Eye."

Suddenly, something begins to glow a bright pink light near him and Steven. They looked in that direction, and Steven gasped. "The light cannon!"

The Laser Light Cannon was a large, sundown pink cannon-type magical weapon made up of crystalline material. It is bulky, hefty, and is implied to be considerably durable. The barrel, backside, and hinges of the cannon all follow a floral design.

"We really found it." Vergil said, relieved. "Now we can stop the Red Eye."

Speaking of the Red Eye, Greg, who was still outside, was looking at the Red Eye and noticed it was closer to earth than before. "Oh boy, that thing's giving me the willies." He said while scratching his chest.

"Dad, we found it!" Steven called out.

"Really?" Greg exclaimed.

Steven tied the electric cord around the cannon and called out. "Get the van!"

With the other end of the core tied to the van, Greg drives the van forward, trying to pull the cannon out of the shed. After a bit of struggle, the cannon is pulled out along with all his other possessions, which collapsed afterward. The three of them run up to the light cannon.

"This thing could save the city. We've gotta get it to the beach!" Steven told Greg.

"How? It's too big for the van." Greg said.

"Then we won't use the van." Vergil said as he grabbed a nearby wagon.

Greg ties the wagon to the van with the electric cord. Afterward, Steven, Vergil, and Greg struggle to lift the heavy cannon onto the wagon.

"Easy does it." Greg breathed out.

"How did Rose even move this thing around?" Vergil groaned, struggling not to drop it.

Once the cannon was above the wagon, they dropped the cannon onto it, and its base broke from the cannon's weight. The three of them are speechless and simply exchange a glance at each other.

Not even going to try and think of another way to transport it, they got into Greg's Van and started driving to the beach. Behind the van was dragging the cannon still onto the damaged wagon, which was creating sparks from being dragged against the road.

Greg was driving carefully in the van so as not to trip it over. Steven sat on the passenger seat, and Vergil sat in the space between both seats.

"Is it gonna be okay?" Steven asked unsurely.

"We didn't really have another choice." Vergil reasoned.

Greg shrugs. "Eh, If every pork chop were perfect—"

Steven chimed in. "We wouldn't have hot dogs!"

"I really wished you'd stop that." Vergil muttered.

Greg watches the Red Eye getting closer. It was so much bigger now that it was huge. "That thing's getting huge. It's freaking me out!"

"We're running out of time." Vergil grimaced.

"Can't the van go any faster?" Steven asked.

Greg steps the van accelerator and speeds up the van, but the speed barely changes. "This is faster!"

"Don't worry. Come on, let's put on your CD." Steven holds up the CD he retrieved earlier.

Greg flushed a little. "What? Really? Come on, you've heard it."

Steven chuckles. "You come on." He inserts the disc.

The song Let Me Drive My Van (Into Your Heart) starts to play. Greg is visibly embarrassed. Steven starts to bounce and sing the song. Until Vergil soon pushes a button that stops the song, deflating Steven's enthusiasm.

"What'd you do that for?" Steven questioned.

"Turns out there are two things I don't like about your Dad." Vergil answered, holding up two fingers. "His hair and his old music."

"I can live with that." Greg shrugged.

The van drives past Sadie and Lars at the Big Donut and Mr. Smiley across the street. They are all looking at the Red Eye, which has turned the environment into a red hue. They soon arrive at the beach and stop next to Garnet and Pearl, who are standing near the water.

When they heard the van, Garnet and Pearl turned for a moment before they heard something washed ashore. They looked down and saw it was Amethyst who washed up at their feet. "Throw me again. I think I'm cracking it." She said to them before she noticed the van as Steven, Vergil, and Greg got out. The three of them saw the Light Cannon, and their faces turned to astonishment. "Is that…?"

Pearl gasps. "He really had it!" She said with a smile.

"We're SAVED!" Amethyst shouted, jumping in front of the other two Gems with joy.

Suddenly, they all felt a pull and looked to see it was coming from the Red Eye, as it had its own ability to create a gravitational anomaly. Destruction begins to ensue as everything is being pulled away by the Red Eye's gravitational force, such as the Beach House, electric poles, nearby buildings, and the sign from Beach Citywalk Fries.

"We have to use it now." Garnet said urgently as the Gems ran over the cannon.

"I don't know how it works. It was Rose's!" Pearl responded as she felt around the barrel for something that would work.

"You don't know how it works!?" Vergil panicked. "Why are you just NOW telling us that!?"

Steven looked at his Dad. "Dad, how do we use it?" Greg only shrugs.

Pearl grabs Steven's shoulders. "Steven, this is serious!" She said before quickly thinking of something. "The Gem. You have Rose's Gem!"

Steven lifts his shirt and looks at his Gem. Amethyst lifted him by the shirt and brought him closer to her face. "That's it!" She then lifts Steven and starts rubbing him against the Light Cannon. "Ahhh, come on!" She yelled in frustration, as what she was doing did nothing at all.

"Stop that." Garnet ordered, and Amethyst obeyed.

"It's no use." Pearl said hopelessly.

"Fine, forget it. Throw me again!" Amethyst suggests as she jumps onto Garnet's arm.

"That's not going to work." Pearl told her, irritated.

Soon, the gravitational pull intensifies and starts to pull the van toward the Red Eye, taking along with it the cannon and Steven, too.

"I got this." Greg unties the cord from the cannon. However, the moment he does that, the van starts to be pulled in faster. "Ugh, wait." He tried to stop the van by pulling it back but started to get pulled in along with it. "Nope, maybe I don't!"

Vergil sighed while struggling to keep his feet on the ground. "Y'know, you'd think that since Rose left behind such a powerful weapon, she'd have remembered to tell someone how to use it!"

Steven watched his Dad get dragged away before turning to the cannon he was still on. "Please work, unlock, activate, go, please!" He starts banging on the cannon desperately before stopping. "Everyone's counting on you. You can't just be useless! I know you can help."

"It's okay, Steven. We'll figure out something else, something even better." Greg reassured him while still being pulled in along with his van.

"R-r-r-right, if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs." Steven said, a little better.

The moment after he said those words, the Light Cannon started to glow brightly. Thin white lines started to form on the barrel. Steven watched as a charging sound came from it, and the muzzle of the cannon started to change forms, blooming like a fully blossomed rose until it took the shape of one. Steven loses his grip and falls onto the ground.

"It's working!" Pearl yelled while she and Garnet were holding Amethyst from being pulled away.

Suddenly, the cannon's hinges unlock, and the barrel falls onto the ground. The Crystal Gems gasp as it begins to prime itself. Steven tries to lift the cannon himself, but Vergil rushes in and helps him lift it, which makes it start to lift off the ground—The Crystal Gems help in, which finally makes it face upwards.

"Steven! Vergil!" Pearl said.

"This is it!" Amethyst said.

"BRACE YOURSELVES!" Garnet shouted.

The Light Cannon fired its volley. An intense peach-pink blight beam was shot out of the muzzle. It then changed into a rosebud as multiple other beams splinted off and turned into vines that synchronized and twirled around the main beam. The main beam boomed in the air and took on a vague shape of Rose Quartz. It reached out into the sky as the smaller beams followed her.

They all hit the Red Eye dead center, causing a small explosion where they hit and causing the Red Eye to crack. The Gems, Steven and Vergil, watched in total wide-eyed awe.

The Red Eye cracked and broke before it was finally destroyed in a massive explosion.

The ball of explosion shined brightly as Shrapnel fell from the Eye. When the explosion died out, the night sky was its normal color again. And the cannon fell back down to the sand.

As Shrapnel from the blast began to fall. Much of it fell into the ocean, but some of it crashed around the beach and destroyed parts of the city boardwalk, causing many people to run for cover.

The Gems ran over to Steven and Vergil as Pearl and Garnet looked at the damage done, while Amethyst exclaimed with joking joy. "Steven, Vergil, you both just saved most of Beach City!"

"Yeah, and property damage was kept to a minimum." Vergil noted before he looked at the mass destruction all over the boardwalk and cringed. "Wow, I am so glad we aren't responsible for the repairs."

"Sorry about that!" Steven called out in the direction of the boardwalk.

Pearl turned her head towards the boys. "How did you get it to work?" Pearl asked, astonished by Steven's ability to activate the cannon.

"I just said that thing that Dad always says." Steven said, looking at where Greg was. He made his way to them.

"That thing about pork rinds?" Pearl guessed.

Garnet pats Pearl's shoulder. "Hot dogs."

"And pork chops." Vergil added before he shrugged. "I still can't believe it worked, though."

"Rose…" Greg teared up a bit before he wiped away a tear.

The tide suddenly rises and reaches up to their knees, which makes everyone laugh. Greg, though, notices his van getting washed past him by the tide and panics.

"My van!" Greg cried out.

Steven nudged Greg's shoulder. "It's okay, Dad if every pork chop were perfect—"

Greg didn't wait for him to finish. "I LIVE in there!" He rushes towards the van.

Steven chases after him. "Wait up!"

Greg tries to make his way through the tides to reach his van. "Oh geez, wait, wait, wait!"

Vergil and the Gems just watched.

"Hope Greg can fit in his storage locker." Vergil commented.

And that's the chapter. This chapter was another early-stage chapter to set the groundwork for the story. As I'm sure you noticed, there are two important details. The first is that we learned the name of Vergil's Gem parent, Mythril. And yes, I know Mythril is a fictional substance that only appears in fantasy worlds, but I decided to give him that name to really specify the fact that he's a one-of-a-kind Gem, his Dad is an Ultra rare existence, and that will a be very important plot-point to explore.

This brings us to the second thing: Vergil has a Dad instead of a Mom. Even though all Gems are technically genderless, they are all addressed as females, so as you can tell, another thing that makes him one of a kind is that he's a male. There's no special reason for that, though. It's just my preference. And not many others have done so before.

Anyways thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed. If you want more, leave a review. If you liked the story, click the follow/favorite, and as always, have an awesome day.