Anna was grateful that her husband didn't force her to stay in the cottage. She knew that he could forbid her to do so and that she would then have had to comply. But John had never forbidden her anything. He always just wanted her to be happy. It was all the more difficult for her to have disappointed him so much now and to continue to disappoint him. But she was afraid.
Anna almost broke at the pleading sound of his voice when he asked her not to go. That he would change if she wanted to. But she didn't want any of that. John didn't have to change for her. He was perfect the way he was.
She tried to calm him down: "You don't have to change anything, John. It's just the best at the moment. For everyone." But she knew that it wouldn't calm him down, nor that he would understand. He looked for all the blame in himself and she was not able to take this guilt away from him without telling him the truth. When he talked about how his life had no value without her, she was about to tell him everything, just so he understood that she had no value anymore. But she couldn't. With quick steps she hurried past him and out of the cottage.
Tears ran down her cheeks in torrents. Everything she loved, everything she lived for, everything that meant more to her than her own life, all that she had destroyed. She hurt the man who meant more to her than her own life. Deep inside. And all because she had been so haughty and had not listened to him. Because she thought she knew better than a man. If she had been a good, obedient wife and had listened to her husband as she should, none of this would have happened. She alone was to blame for this misery and she had to protect her husband, no matter what the cost. She couldn't let him know what had happened, that he would avenge her and kill Mr. Greene, only to end up dangling from the gallows himself. She also didn't want him to stay with her out of obligation. She knew that she was dirty. She could still hear the voice of her mother, who had told her again and again as a child: "A woman belonged to only one man. She had to restrain herself, to be obedient and willing. She has to submit to him. And if something happened, she did something wrong. Then she sinned. Men can't help it."
Anna had never felt with John that she had to hold back, that she had to be obedient and willing. That he wanted her to submit. Everything they did, everything they decided, happened by mutual consent. Had that been the mistake?
She would offer him that he could get a divorce. To protect his life, she would tell him that she had given herself to another man. It would hurt him, but he would live. "Better a broken heart tahn a broken neck," she thought to herself. And at some point he would find a new wife. He deserved better. A pure woman. An obedient woman. Not a soiled one who wanted to be taken by other men. She would make him an offer to go away so that he could keep his position with Lord Grantham. It would be easier for them to find a new position than for him.
But she didn't have the strength for it yet.
In the evening she lay in her old room, in her old bed. She hadn't been able to look her husband in the eye all day. Now she lay here and thought of him. Of their first night together in this house.
It had been the happiest day of her life. She remembered well how excited she was as she lay naked in bed waiting for him. What would he expect? She was still a virgin and only knew stories that had been told to her. There was often talk of pain, blood and the hope that it would end quickly. All of this had frightened her, but she couldn't imagine John doing anything to hurt her. While she had been lying there waiting for him, all this had gone through her head.
For John, she was not the first. He had been married and she knew that he had had one or two women in his bad time after his first wife's separation and his alcohol problem. So he knew what he was doing, how it worked, and he would tell her what he expected.
When he finally entered the room and smiled at her: "I see you were already waiting for me," she suddenly became afraid of her own courage. John came to her, sat down on the edge of the bed, leaned over and kissed her tenderly. "I didn't expect you to be under the covers yet," he said and kissed her again. "Should I have waited for you? I wasn't sure how..." Gently he put his finger on her lips: "Shhh, it's all right;" again he kissed her: "Then I'll take off my clothes and lie down next to you."
He had gotten up and gone to the other side of the bed, where he had started to undress and put his clothes neatly on one of the chairs. Anna had watched him, she had never seen a naked man before. She knew her brothers and the boys from when they were little and bathed naked in the lake, but she had never seen a grown man naked. When John was the last to take off his underpants, her breath caught in her throat. She had known that men looked different from women. She had also seen animals mate and enlarge the male genitals, but to see him now in complete nakedness had been something else. Its center was large and hard. She knew he had to be inside her, but she couldn't imagine how that was going to happen. Again she had to think of what she had always been told; Pain and blood. Slowly she began to tremble. John had watched her while he had undressed. He had slowly climbed under the covers: "Why are you trembling? Are you afraid?" Anna had been silent, it had been unpleasant for her. Carefully, John slid closer to her: "You don't have to be afraid. I'll be careful. It will hurt for a short time, but not after that and we have the whole night. Relax first," he had tenderly stroked her cheek and through her hair, then kissed her. Then he had taken her hand and placed it on his chest: "Touch me Anna, get to know me. It should be something special for both of us." He had taken Anna's hand and placed it on his insistent breast. Carefully she had begun to stroke him. It was a new feeling to feel his naked skin. John had slowly run his hand over her upper arm and then pushed it under the blanket to stroke her back. It had felt good. His hand on her skin and her hand on his skin. Courageously, she had slipped closer to him and kissed him. Her husband had looked at her lovingly: "How do you feel?" "I'm a bit scared," she admitted honestly. "Of what? Tell me so I can take away your fear. In front of me?" Anna had swallowed: "I... I don't know anything about what we do. We were always told that... that men are allowed to take what they want and you just have to keep quiet until they're done... without complaining. Just tell me what I have to do to make you like it and I'll try, but please don't be angry if it's not what you expect" she lowered her eyes. John had been breathing heavily: "Look at me Anna. Please." She had raised her head. "You're lying here with me because you have to? Not because you want to? Because you think I expect it?" "It's part of it and...," she had broken off in the middle of a sentence. John had lovingly stroked her face: "You don't have to do anything here that you don't want to do. I'm not going to do anything that harms you, but I'd like to show you that it can be something very beautiful. For both. Do you trust me?" Anna had nodded gently.
And John had been right. It had been something very beautiful. The pain had been brief, but the feeling afterwards was incredible. She had never felt so close to anyone. It all felt so right. And feelings came out in her that she didn't know she had. When a moan had come over her lips with pleasure, she had looked at him in shock. However, John had only kissed her and said, "You don't have to hold back because of me. Maybe because of the neighboring rooms, but not because of me. If you like it, show me." Later they had lain next to each other and John had looked at her grinning: "Well... Mrs Bates? You ́ve had your way with me." They had laughed. Then John had become serious: "I just hope you don't live to regret it." Anna had stroked his arm: "I couldn ́t regret it. No matter what comes. I know only that I am now who I was meant to be." John had breathed heavily: "I ́m not worthy of you, that ́s all I know. And they ́ll call me names for pulling you into my troubles." With a mischievous smile, Anna had replied: "Mr. Bates... we ́ve waited long enough to be together, you and I. And now that we ́re man and wife can that not be enough just for this one night?" John had looked at her in love, stroked her soft hair with his hand and they had kissed.
Tears ran down Anna's cheeks when she thought of this wonderful time. How happy she had been. And now, her life lay in shambles before her. Because she had not known how to behave as a good wife.
Slowly she turned to the side, hoping to fall asleep quickly. She already missed her husband. His smell, his soft snoring, his pure presence. But she had to protect him.