In A Band Part 3
Maybe, I can change my mind…? Mikasa thought to herself as she shoveled fried egg on a biscuit into her mouth. Yolk slipped from her lips, and she snarled at Levi's wince of disgust, as she fought against it dripping onto the table.
"Just don't look then!" Mikasa snapped, behind the cover of her napkin. "You make me nervous!"
"You don't think that is my intent?" Levi grumbled, but obliged and swiftly turned to his own breakfast, Petra giggling behind her own napkin.
Mikasa went back to eating in silence, with her head screaming; she hadn't stopped thinking since last night. The festival is tonight…maybe cancelling last minute would be considered…rude.
Since her eyes opened that morning, Mikasa has felt shaky, high on…something. The anxiety from making this out-of-order decision has thrown her for a loop. It feels like her body was protesting her brains logic for agreeing to go. She couldn't cancel, though, despite how much she wants to. This was her decision, and she felt euphoric coming to this conclusion when the other parts so loudly protest it.
It was like sneaking out of the house when you know you're supposed to be asleep in bed; any moment that door could swing open, and discord would rain down upon you. It was the same with anxiety, an even worse version of a strict parent.
It wasn't just the festival itself that caused this uncomfortable feeling of unease, but also the situation she currently resides in.
She had not replied to Eren's blunt text message, mostly because she had no idea what to say. He had basically said that the situation wasn't worth it, and he'd rather pretend it didn't happen. When it had first developed, Mikasa had wanted that outcome more than anything, but there was a part of her nibbling on her instinct that said it was far from over. It is what you call "covering with a band-aid", but Mikasa felt this situation needed at full review, pre-operation and a Q and A on "what the hell?" It feels like he just duct-taped a lid onto an overboiling pot of water; Mikasa can't think that way.
"Mikasa, what time are you leaving for the festival?" Petra wondered, closing her novel and sipping at her tea.
Mikasa shrugged. "We get let out an hour early, so, I'll come home first, walk Rogue, get changed and then head over, I guess."
"Perfect, as long as you're coming home first," Petra replied. "I am heading into Trost to visit my father this afternoon, so I'll be heading out before any of you get home. I have something for you that I will leave on the foyer bench when you get home."
Mikasa blinked. "Really? What is it?" she wondered.
Petra shook her head. "You'll find out in a few hours, it's just a little something to contribute to the festival."
Not wanting anymore excitement to add onto her already blooming anxiety attack, Mikasa shrugged it off and left the table, clearing her plate. She debated pouring tea into her travel mug and taking more to school but decided to stop at the "Garrison" and grab some more there, along with breakfast for the band. It will be a nice peace-offering for when she meets them after this whole drama. Rogue padded after her softly as she resumed getting her bag together.
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Mikasa is ashamed to admit that she had been standing at the end of the band room hall, with a quickly cooling bag of Ham and Swiss croissants (and the Danishes looked really good today) hanging from her arm; another extra-large English Breakfast tea in her other, for about 5 minutes.
When she finally did gather her confidence, Mikasa rapped softly on the door, sparing the door from her obnoxious kicks.
She heard voices and crashing on the other side, before Porco, grinning, opened the door.
"I knew I smelt breakfast!" he said, stepping out of the way, taking the hot tea from her hand.
"Thank you," she replied, walking inside. Porco closed the door behind her, and Mikasa felt her heart rate spike when that dreaded *click* resounded. She was about to say her good mornings, when Eren's voice suddenly snapped, "Take the damn lid off!"
Mikasa whipped around to see Porco, with millimeters between the rim of the lid from her tea and his lips, freeze in place. He glanced at Eren, who was glaring darkly, and smirked, before obeying and popping the lid and taking a sip.
"Sorry about that, just couldn't help myself," Porco sang, and traded with Mikasa to get a bag from her hands. She warmed her palms on the cup, and eyed Eren suspiciously.
Didn't he use the lid…? Whatever, none of my business…
Based on her basic scan of the room, she noticed that tensions weren't as high as yesterday, but she could tell that something was still…odd. They were all acting normal, talking to her normal, but there was this…sensation that she was being tip-toed around; glass about to shatter.
It started to bother her, so she glanced at Reiner, who shook his head, and then Bertoldt, who shrugged and then, ever so slightly, moved his eyes in Eren's direction.
Confused, she looked at him. It is generally hard to gauge how Eren is actually feeling. He could be happy and be acting like he would rather be anywhere else, and when sad he acts…well, usually he always looks like he doesn't want to be there. Only when he is angry or annoyed can you definitely tell what he's thinking. But, at the moment, Eren seemed a little tense. He was moving around the room, checking random instruments, tweaking them -after he left Marcel's keyboard, the man looked at him oddly and started inspecting it, wondering what Eren gathered that he didn't- and completely avoiding eye-contact with her.
This is almost worse…
"If you are finished with the perimeter check, Eren, and no ambush is imminent, maybe we should talk about the set-list for tonight?" Reiner suggested. "We've missed some sessions; we should catch up."
There were agreements all-around, and they quickly shoveled the rest of their breakfast into their mouths and moved about the room.
Nibbling on an apple Danish, Mikasa tuned out their planning.
She was looking forward to going to the festival, surprising herself, but couldn't shove down the arrow of disappointment and envy. The band would be going too, but she would only see them on stage and performing, while she would be in the crowd, unidentifiable, with her three girls. She wasn't upset about that part at all, but she felt as close with the band, despite knowing them not even a quarter of the time she's known the girls.
They were excited, that much was clear; Mikasa tried to swallow the sensation of being left out. She wasn't in the band, she was just…a fan.
She wondered if the surprise that Petra had for her would help with the feeling.
Finishing her Danish, the bell rung for homeroom, and Mikasa began to leave. She lingered a little, tossing in her head if she was brave enough to pull Eren aside and talk or not, when Reiner stole that decision for her.
"Hey, Ackerman! Thanks again for breakfast! I was wondering if you could help me out?" he asked.
"Sure, what's up?"
Reiner shifted on his feet and looked to the ground. Mikasa followed his gaze, saw nothing, and looked up at him again. He was fighting with something he wanted to say; she felt dread drip down her spine.
He took another step toward her, she fought the urge to step back, and leaned in so he could say softly, "I know this is probably a weird question, but do you happen to have an idea about what colours and everything Historia is wearing to the festival? I would like to see if I have anything similar, but ya know…not a girl's uniform…"
A bubble of laughter rose in her throat, but Mikasa shoved it down. "I personally think you'd look good in a yukata."
Face reddening, Reiner chuckled. "Why, thank you. I always thought rose pink would suit me."
"Well, you better hope that's true, because I believe that is exactly what Historia is wearing. Pink, white and yellow."
Reiner cleared his throat, attempting to hide his beam. "Well, yes, of course. Those colours suit her." Mikasa raised an eyebrow. "Thank you," he whispered, before brushing past her.
The door opened, and Reiner gave a yelp.
"Gah! Hey, bud, sorry, just gotta scoot on past ya…" Reiner's abnormally quick footsteps booked it down the hall.
Shaking her head, Mikasa turned to head out also, when she paused, breath hitching. Eren was waiting in the doorway, looking murderous. There was no one else here, so Mikasa knew this look was meant for her to see. She felt tethered to the spot, unable to breath, as he glared at her. Despite some fear she could feel crawling up her throat, a sinister part of her felt…thrilled at that dark, villainous look. She's never seen him so…venomous.
"Morning, sorry, Reiner was just-,"
"What did he say to you?"
Mikasa paused, assessing. His shoulders were tight with tension, his breaths coming out harsh and quick; his arms were crossed, and his eyes were burning with fire. He looked about ready to smack something.
"What? He didn't really say anything…He was just asking a question…" It seemed he didn't want to broadcast it, so Mikasa tried to give Reiner some privacy by not telling him exactly what the question was. Eren wasn't accepting with that answer.
"What did he ask you?" He took a step closer, blocking her only exit; Mikasa swallowed.
"N-Nothing- I mean, it was just about the festival, nothing important! Why-Why don't you-," Mikasa stuttered as he took another step toward her. "Just ask him yourself!" Mikasa felt anger suddenly consume her. "Just ask him if you're so curious! Why do I have to be the one you ask? You'd clearly rather not talk to me at all!"
Eren's footsteps came to a halt, body slack. "What the hell are you talking about?" he growled.
The step Mikasa took forward was like leaving one world and entering the next. She was about to start a confrontation…her! "You've barely looked at me all morning! Not to mention the cryptic-ass text you sent me! By the way, how the hell did ANY of you get my number!? If you really want to know so bad why Reiner pulled me aside to ask a question, it was because he wanted to match colours with Historia for the festival, but didn't want to ask her himself. He figured I knew what she was wearing, which I did and happily told him! Hope you're looking forward to seeing Reiner in rose pink!"
She ended her rant with a stomp of her foot, body shaking, breath heaving. She felt starved, empty, like every part of her now danced around her, swirling with energy and self. She erased everything about herself that thought wouldn't be able to handle this, this confrontation.
She faced the ground, but still riding the high, she stubbornly looked him in the eyes.
He was blinking at her, mouth slightly open with surprise. You and me both…
Much to her dismay, Eren's gaze darkened even more, and he turned, storming out.
"Wha…?" Mikasa simply watched him, dumbfounded. She clenched her teeth, about to call after him, but suddenly, the Mikasa she knew returned. The anger left her and all that remained was the trembling and the shock of what she had just done. She curled up with her arms around her knees; her legs started to fail her. A cold sweat leaked down her back, under her breasts, as she attempted to come back into her body.
Her head played the scene over, again and again; guilt, shame, shock, and anger all stirring inside her at once. What did she just do? She didn't see it coming; neither did Eren.
The band-aid came off, but an infection had festered.
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To hear the phrase, "I can't wait to see you there, Mikasa", felt very foreign to the blackette.
Hitch and Mina had been obsessed and prattling on about the festival that night. The second Mikasa had sat down, they interrogated her on her outfit, favourite fair foods, games, and etcetera. Most of the topics they discussed, Mikasa didn't have a clue what they were talking about. To make it worse, they reminisced on past festivals and memories made while participating. Hitch had two boys, Boris and Marlo, hold a competition on who could catch the most rubber ducks; Boris caught the most, but Marlo caught the golden duck, so basically Boris lost. Mina had her first kiss at the water well; Historia won against Ymir for the first time at Balloon Darts, and continues to brag about it to this day; Hitch and Historia got drunk for the first time there; all three dressed up in the same yukata one year; Hitch got pushed in the duck pond; Ymir got in a fight; Mina was sick when she rode the Ferris Wheel -drunk- completely forgetting about her acrophobia and threw up on Ymir's lap, who had somehow lost track of Historia -and in a drunken stupor- recruited Mina on an expedition up the Ferris Wheel to see if she could spot her from the height.
All these memories, all these stories and bonds that flow so naturally, Mikasa felt like a stranger overhearing them from the back of a bus.
The two girls glowed from their tales of friendship and youth, excitement beaming off them like sunlight.
Mikasa could barely look at them, barely listen anymore. She had subconsciously taken out her textbook and begun reading, the two girls hardly noticing.
The regret was kicking in; the anxiety rising from her core. She didn't want to go anymore. She didn't want to be in only one of their many memories of such a night. She didn't want to be overshadowed by so many firsts when she's only now agreed to their only last. Why hadn't she just sucked it up from the beginning? Why was she so selfish? Why didn't she feel that eagerness to be seen, to be heard, like them? Why didn't she try harder? Why was she so scared?
It was starting again…
The walls were nearing her, emitting scorching heat; everyone was looking at her, their eyes spotlights, meant to blind. She moved to the very edge of her seat, her body posed for flight, flight and always, only, flight. She couldn't be here she couldn't sit and listen to her life playing in front of her eyes, without her there. Her eyes started to burn, throat closing. She tried to think of Eren's advice, Eren's voice, but all she heard were snapped accusations and footsteps storming away, getting farther and farther, leaving her in her misery, her questions.
Her textbook, suddenly and gently, closed by a hand that wasn't hers.
An unfamiliar hand on her back, snapped into her subconscious, dragging her slowly back into her body. The ringing in her ears eased, her breath let itself out of her lungs (how long had she been holding her breath?) and exhaustion hit.
Slumping a little, Mikasa became aware of her surroundings.
There was idle chatter in the background, but the yapping from Mina and Hitch had halted, completely.
Opening her eyes, having not realized she closed them, Mikasa glanced up and saw the two girls staring, utterly bewildered.
But not at Mikasa.
Feeling the hand on her shoulder start to burn her skin, Mikasa turned to face the ever-vacant seat next to her. Only it was no longer so.
Marcel was seated casually in the seat, with Porco hovering, faces blank but concern clearly within their twin autumn eyes.
"You back with us?" Marcel wondered, not sparing a glance at the two girls, mouths still hanging open, still staring at them.
Numbly, Mikasa nodded and turned away. She didn't know if she wanted to shrug his touch off or not, but luckily it didn't take long for her to decide.
Marcel straightened, letting his hand drop and smiled warmly; it didn't reach his eyes. "I figured. I'm hoping whatever it was you were reading that stressed you out won't be on any tests coming up."
Eyebrows furrowed, Mikasa turned back to him. He looked at her pointedly, while staying casual. She watched as Porco moved to the seat behind her, now eyeing the two girls in front.
Oh…
Hitch and Mina had no earthly idea that Mikasa was on the verge of creating a her-shaped hole in the wall. In fact, they'd only stopped talking when Porco and Marcel and come over, seating themselves around her. They'd heard everything they'd been saying and had noticed her aura shift. They recognized that she was spiraling deep into herself, the dark abyss within, and drowning right in front of them. They'd not only come over to see if she was okay, but they also came over because they knew their presence would cease the taletelling and Mikasa could calm down.
She felt tears behind her eyes but had enough control now to stop them from spilling. They had no idea how much it had meant to her, what they'd done. How relieving it was for someone to acknowledge it but not prod at it. They didn't tell her to calm down, just helped her ease it back into its cage.
When you're cheering someone on during a sports event, you don't simply yell "Just win! Win! You gotta win!" You motivate them, root for them, advise them through a language only they know. Anyone can be told to win, but getting there is what counts, how you do it is what counts.
"Thank you."
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It was clear that Hitch and Mina had not tuned into Mikasa's energy, because Historia acted like all was dandy. Those two don't miss a chance to gossip.
"I think Hitch was performing CPR on Mina in the bathroom after first period," Historia said, as they exited the "Room of Social Boredom", and headed to the locker room. "Didn't think you'd risk exposing your in with the 'Jawline Brothers'." Historia cackled as Mikasa shook her head.
"It was more then a little mortifying…"
"Not from what I've heard. Did they actually stick around in those seats for the whole seminar?"
Mikasa nodded, arms crossing in defence. "It's not a big deal, probably wanted better seats to see the board." And if I was on the verge of losing my head again…
"Whatever you say, girl. At least tell me the rumors are true about their band playing for the festival?" Giddy, Historia flung the locker room door open and Mikasa sighed at the near emptiness.
"They're true."
Whooping, Historia turned the lock on her locker and popped it open, across the room, Mikasa doing the same. "Are any of them single?"
Mikasa paused in her movements of piling textbooks in her locker. Turning, she saw Historia watching her, oh so innocently. Why did she feel nervous all of a sudden?
"Why…?"
Historia snorted. "I figured that would be obvious, Mikasa."
Steeling herself, Mikasa straightened. "As a matter of fact, I believe all five of them are."
The excitement and fire that lit Historia's sky-blues caused a stone to drop in her gut. "You don't say…"
"Historia…"
"What? It's my senior year! I want to have some fun! Besides, it doesn't seem like you plan on doing anything with them other then become their friend, unless you are saying you want me to keep my hands off one in particular…?"
Her breath caught and her heart skipped a beat.
Unfortunately, her mind has always seemed in control of itself, and the images formed before she could stop them.
Eren and Historia, embracing. His hands on her hips, in her golden hair (Mikasa wanted light hair), his eyes devouring her in a way only novels and fairy tales describe. He smiled, that beautiful smile, and laughed with her. She was so small compared to him; he could wrap his entire body around her. Mikasa was taller, curvier, he was only a head taller.
Her arms could barely reach his neck, but he would make up for that by leaning down; Mikasa knew he was considerate that way. Their lips would touch-
"Mikasa?"
Coming back to, Mikasa whipped her gaze to Historia, who watched still, questions in her eyes.
The words got trapped in her throat and all Mikasa managed to utter was "Uh-uh."
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A day when classes are let out early was always a joyous day in the students' books. The classes were the only thing cut down on time, while lunch remained the usual hour and a bit.
After leaving the locker room with Historia, the blonde running off to meet with the other two, Mikasa lingered in the hall.
She didn't want to admit it, but part of her didn't want to go into the band room today. She didn't like the tension with Eren, who she hasn't spoken to since that morning, and she didn't want Porco and Marcel to be watching her with alertness.
So, coming to an abrupt decision, Mikasa would eat outside.
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Across the parking lot, a small, wooded area separated the second section to the first, which was where Mikasa headed. The grass was well kept, if not still slightly damp from this morning's dew, and Mikasa laid her jacket among the green blades, and sat down. Luckily, she had a cold bento of tuna sashimi, veggies and dip and grapefruit slices, so she didn't need to stand in the cafeteria warming up her lunch.
Looking up at the canopy from her nest, chewing a grapefruit rind, Mikasa totally missed the secret entrance of another person.
"Excuse me."
The voice had her almost choking on the rind and jumping in place.
She looked to her left and saw a girl, about her year, standing awkwardly, carrying a brown paper bag, her lunch.
"Uh, hi."
The other girl glanced around, then rooted on her again. "You're in my spot."
Mikasa blinked, then flushed. "S-sorry, I'll move." She clumsily piled her utensils into her bento, not closing it all the way, in her haste to grab her jacket off the ground and move. She shot up with her belongings piled in her arms and she smiled a little. "My bad, usually, I'm not out here."
The girl simply stared blankly, glancing from her stuff in her hands to her face.
Mikasa wanted to go and find another spot to sit, so she could eat her lunch, but something about this girl's energy had her hesitating.
Her blonde hair glinted in the sun as her gaze looked to the spot where Mikasa had been sitting. She hadn't been there long enough for the water to absorb into her jacket, so no patch was dry enough to sit.
"Uh…" Mikasa made to step back, leaving her to her silence, when the blonde moved forward, a sudden shine in her eyes.
"Um, hey, maybe…" The blonde gestured to the spot in the grass, helplessly, and Mikasa could not relate to a human anymore then this girl.
"You…Do you want to sit together? My jacket can fit us both," Mikasa suggested.
Slight relief shone in her icy eyes, but the blonde shrugged. "Yeah, sure, I guess."
Clamping her lips together to hide her smile, Mikasa handed her the jacket, so she could maneuver her lunch into a safer position. The blonde took it upon herself to lay the jacket down as wide as she could and sat down, making sure to leave the same amount of space for Mikasa.
The blackette settled, and together they started to dine on their lunches.
Once Mikasa put her bento back into her shoulder bag, she glanced at the blonde. Who was staring at the last item within her lunch bag. She seemed to be debating something.
Mikasa did not say anything, as the blonde carefully pulled out something wrapped in saranwrap.
It was a donut. Nothing special, just basic fried dough with cinnamon sugar coating lovingly around it.
Without a word, the girl unwrapped it and broke it in half…and handed one half to Mikasa. Her heart shuddered as she took it gently from her hands.
"Thank you." The girl nodded, but didn't look at her as she started to munch on the treat. Mikasa didn't miss her blue eyes close slowly and a sigh escape her nose. A favourite of hers, clearly…
Mikasa took a bite herself and smiled. She doesn't believe Levi could be capable of making something like this. There was no way he could replicate this euphoric feeling Mikasa was experiencing.
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The interaction with the pretty blonde girl left Mikasa feeling really content. She could almost skip her way into third period, she was feeling that carefree.
Something must've been in that donut… Mikasa knew it wasn't true, but she couldn't help but feel strange within this new feeling.
Upon entering the school, she swung left into the girl's washroom, in order to ensure there was no cinnamon sugar left on her mouth. She startled herself when looking into the mirror. A gleeful smile looked back and Mikasa almost laughed. The situation with Eren almost seemed pointless now. She just wanted to fling herself into his arms and forget about the whole thing. She still isn't even quite sure what it is he's upset about, but she was feeling confident enough to ask him.
She checked her hair, found the strands falling loose along her braid, and redid it. Her mascara had smudged along the rim of her waterline, she removed it. She used the restroom quickly before class and was about to exit the bathroom when loud voices came from outside, and the door she had come through opened.
The girl's washroom entrance faced the door leading outside, but the entrance was without a door and was instead a curved wall that sharply led to the bathroom from the hall. There was no barricade against the onslaught of male voices coming through.
"Relax man, don't think so much into it. Isn't that what got you into this position in the first place?" Clearly, Porco's voice echoed into the washroom. Mikasa had frozen just before the lip of the wall, where they would see her plain as day.
"He's not thinking too much into it, he's just broody because Armin had to cancel his visit and can't see us play at the festival," Reiner translated, and a scoff was heard in return.
"Give me a break! Armin has cancelled plans before! He's all pissed because Mikasa implied seeing him as a friend and he can't grow the balls to talk to her about it, so instead he's gonna meander along, getting all possessive and jealous every time a guy is even within arms reach of her! That's what's going on! That's what THIS GUY can't get his hard-fucking-head around, and now he's going to lose her before he even had her. Bravo, my friend, you really screwed the pooch!"
There was a giant scuffle and suddenly there was shouting and banging against the bathroom wall.
"Oh, so now you have some balls, huh, Jaeger!? Bring it on!"
There was another hard bang against the wall Mikasa was against and she flinched away from it, almost convinced they'd come flying through it, then tumbling on top of her. A door nearby suddenly slammed open.
"Hey! HEY!" a more authoritative voice bellowed. "Break it up, guys, NOW!" Mikasa closed her eyes, almost feeling the need to run, though there was no where to go. "Get the hell to that band room of yours, now! You hear me! You are to set an example if you want to have privilege here, understand!? Move it!" Shoving and grunting, cursing, could be heard as the teacher lectured them down the hall; he wouldn't have much left to say once they reached the band room.
Mikasa let out a loud breath that she'd sucked in the second the first hit was thrown.
Now that all was silent again, Mikasa could now dwell on what, exactly, it was she just heard.
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All through third period, Mikasa had let her imagination consume her to the point where she had no idea what it was class was about that day. She was glad that her last period of the day was free. She might even just head home and start getting ready for the festival.
Mikasa exited the classroom and made her way to the locker room.
Before she even turned down the hallway, Mikasa heard it.
She slowly started down the hall, careful not to make a sound. She bypassed the locker room door and stopped a meter from the band room. She could hear his voice, so clearly it was like she was in there already.
You're floating through space like stars in a race
You never come down, whatever they say
We won't be descending as long as we stay
We're in this together, dictating our pace
They try to break you, they try to break us
Say we could bend but we will never fit in
Don't let 'em get through under your skin
Cause you're shining bright from within
Mikasa, no doubt knew that voice was Reiner's. She's never heard him sing before; he was pretty good. Porco's familiar roar came next.
You even out my gravity
You're invisible to the rest
But I see you in ultraviolet
When your lightwaves travel through my chest
I see you glow in ultraviolet
I see you glow
I see you glow in ultraviolet
Like a kaleidoscope, colours hard to define
We paint our own hope in shades that intertwine
Their black-and-white scheme fails to undermine
Our vibrant life that gleams beyond their limiting signs
They try to break you, they try to break us
Say we would bend, but we will never fit in
Don't let 'em get through under your skin
Cause you're shining bright from within
You're invisible to the rest
But I see you in ultraviolet
When your lightwaves travel through my chest
I see you glow in ultraviolet
I see you glow
I see you glow in ultraviolet
It took a while for Mikasa to feel the tears streaming down her cheeks. His voice pulsed with such emotion, Mikasa wanted to sing with him; she remained behind the closed door. Listening longingly to the magic within.
We won't shed our soul, defy their control
Beneath our scars, we are whole
I can see you, I can feel you
You are half alive, but levitate on the inside
As the break bellowed, Mikasa could imagine what they were like, losing themselves in the music, in their emotion. Their souls were screaming for everyone nearby to hear. Such bravery, confidence, and joy; she was overwhelmed with it. The lyrics were drilling holes into her wall that she kept around her heart, its contents washing out to reach and touch the melodies in the air.
They don't think, they don't think
They don't see you the way we do
You're invisible to the rest
But I see you in ultraviolet
When your lightwaves travel through my chest
I see you glow in ultraviolet
I see you glow
I see you glow in ultraviolet
The music faded and Mikasa found herself, on the ground leaning against the wall. They never failed to impress her, to enchant her. Before she could dwell more on the contents and messages within the lyrics, Mikasa noticed how quiet the band room was.
Usually, after a song, they start talking over each other, attempting to tweak and prod the song as they see fit. Whether it's extending a solo or switching lyrics, there was never nothing to say after a rehearsal.
Tuning back into the present, Mikasa sharpened her ears, and what she heard had her quickly shifting to her feet as quietly as she could. She couldn't hear anything because they were talking in murmured voices, muffled behind the door, meant to impel music to the sole room.
If she shifted closer, she could probably hear what they were saying, but she felt icky about it.
It was clear it was only meant for the members within the room. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she breached that moral code imbedded in her bones.
She moved away from the door, wiping her tear-streaked cheeks, and quietly slipped down the hall and into the locker room.
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Mikasa almost stumbled walking out of the school when she beheld the massive crowd clustered within the large courtyard in front of the school.
Not only that, but a large white limo took up almost the entire width of the crowd. Students were exclaiming loudly and pointing obnoxiously at the car, no doubt wondering if someone had a celebrity parent no one knew about. Mikasa was wondering the same thing…
There was a niggling in the back of Mikasa's mind, and she suddenly felt a presence behind her. She already knew who it was before turning around.
"Tell me that car isn't for you guys?"
"It's not."
Mikasa turned to the five band members crowding the front threshold. "Whose is it?"
"Ours." Before Mikasa could speak, Eren grabbed her hand and started to drag her toward the crowd, the other guys cackling along beside them. They gathered in front and started to shoulder their way through the wave of students.
"Out of the way! Act your age!" Reiner bellowed, but grinning like a madman, and students leapt aside.
"What are you doing? I can't-,"
She couldn't get the last sentence out as she was thrown into the back of the limo, Porco and Bertoldt tailing the rear. The limo door slammed against the onslaught and everyone within the cab let out a sigh. Mikasa whirled to Eren, who had jumped into the seat along the side of the limo, already cracking a coke.
"What is the matter with you?" she growled. "You can't just abduct me! I have stuff I need to do before the festival and uh, clearly-," Mikasa gestured wildly at the limo's interior, "you do, too!"
"Are you saying you're upset we brought you with us into this limo?" Eren questioned blandly. Surprising herself, Mikasa fumed.
"What is it you have to do?" Marcel wondered, changing the topic. He poured out sparkling wine from a beautiful maroon bottle into a flute and handed it to her. Without thinking she took it.
"I need to go home first! Walk Rogue, get dressed, you know, the usual!"
"Alright, alright, we're sorry we abducted you; can we use inside voices now?" Porco asked, accepting a glass as well from his brother, beaming at the golden liquid.
"There's no alcohol in it, Porco."
"I know that! But if I convince myself I can believe it is…"
"We can take you home first, let you do all that stuff," Reiner suggested.
Mikasa shook her head. "No way. You guys need to get to the grounds and rehearse. You missed about four rehearsals already because of…" Mikasa trailed off, heat rising to her face. The shock of being snatched away and driven away her thoughts previously. They had no idea that she had overheard the fight between Porco and Eren, as well as the song they had been playing during the last while of school hours. For all they know, she flaked out on them at lunch, without a hint of explanation.
She gulped down the lump that formed uncomfortably in her throat and stared down at the liquid in her glass. She now realized how trapped she was.
They didn't ask her anything, didn't look at her expectantly, but she could feel it. They were confused and wanted to know where she had gone at lunch. Knowing no way around it, and not being able to withstand the silence, Mikasa cleared her throat; all eyes fell on her.
"Listen, I should've said I wasn't going to the band room."
Marcel swirled his drink. "It was really weird. We all kind of sat there waiting, and we were like 'why haven't we started playing yet? What are we even waiting for?' Porco, always the graceful, considerate one, figured it out simply by saying 'Where in the seven hells is Ackerman?'"
The laugh escaped before Mikasa could stop it, the tension broke.
"Explain, madam!" Reiner accused, finger pointing.
Thinking it over, Mikasa replayed the lunch hour fondly. There was something about the memory that made her want to keep the meeting of the blonde girl (she didn't even know her name!) to herself. So, she simply stated, "I went outside. It was a nice day, and I felt a little smothered in the school. I felt the need to be alone for a bit."
"Respect," Porco said, raising a glass to her. She grinned, returning the gesture. "Can we all agree to enjoy tonight and leave all this tension behind, because honestly, I'm feeling a little smothered myself."
"I'll raise my glass to that," Marcel put in. The others did the same, albeit having to coax Eren a little bit with some tough love. Eventually, they all clinked glasses, sealing the deal with a ding of china.
Despite the situation at rest within the 6 of them, Mikasa still felt there was something to be discussed between herself and Eren.
The only way she could do it in a form for her to rest easy, is to admit that she had been present for the fight…
…and had overheard every wept lyric of a song, she couldn't help but suspect, was all about her.
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The limo pulled into the long driveway of her family's townhouse, and Mikasa had to have Porco get out in order for her to. She had reluctantly decided to let Rogue out into the backyard and bypass the walk. They had said otherwise, but she wanted the band to be rehearsing on that festival stage within the hour.
She started to walk up the drive, when she turned…hesitantly. "Did you guys want to come in? It's a 45-minute drive to the festival grounds so you might want to use the washroom or something…?"
"Thought you'd never ask!" As Porco had not bothered to clamber back in, he strolled past her toward the front door, the other 4 men piling out to follow. Unlike her girlfriends, it seemed all of Mikasa's firsts were happening at the same time.
Fortunately, they waited for her to unlock the door and step inside, tugging a leaping, barking Rogue by the collar away from the threshold.
"Down, Rogue, down! You know them, it's okay!" She knelt to his level once he stood his protective stance in front of her, barking loudly. "Hey, it's okay." Wagging his tail, licking her face, he accepted that she was not in any danger and his ears folded down as he slinked over to the band, demanding belly rubs.
"What a set of pipes, dog! You interested in being in a band?" Porco joked, rubbing him down the back as Rogue licked his lips in content and joy.
Mikasa chuckled, before pausing. A jolt went down her spine at the beautifully wrapped parcel on the foyer bench, just where Petra said she would leave it.
A child-like excitement coursed through her, and Mikasa lifted the parcel, and took it to the kitchen. The band took it upon themselves to take off their shoes and enter the house.
Their gazes swept over every surface and window, in all its pristine, dust-free glory. Books and file cabinets sided the entrance leading to the staircase, and main family room. They saw Mikasa head left into a doorway, the kitchen, and decided this was far enough.
The sound of a package being unwrapped echoed in the foyer, followed by a near silent gasp. It caught their attention, so they faced the doorway again, and Mikasa poked her head in. Her face glowed with happiness.
"I'm just letting Rogue out and heading upstairs, make yourselves comfortable, just…please don't make a mess. Come, Rogue." The German Shepard obediently left Bertoldt's side and followed his owner into the kitchen, glass French doors opening to the billowing autumn wind.
The band waited patiently for Mikasa to get situated, pre-performance nerves setting in.
.
.
.
Mikasa had to stop herself from running up the staircase and into her room after receiving the gift from Petra. Seriously, what the hell did her brother do to deserve a woman like her?
She had felt embarrassed about opening it in front of the band, especially since she -obviously- still remembers what happened the last time she did it.
Nevertheless, Mikasa now understood that it wasn't anything to do with the yukata but simply Erens inability to be honest with his feelings and words. And, technically, Mikasa didn't even know the truth yet; she overheard it.
The blackette opened the door to her quarters, and, lightly, shut it behind her. Carefully, she placed the gift onto her bed where she saw her yukata, pressed and laid out lovingly over her duvet. You'd think her upset with having someone come into her room without her there, but she doesn't believe Levi would listen even if she requested it. He doesn't believe he could put up with never cleaning a room in his home.
She sat there admiring the beautiful fabrics; the intricate, stunning design of the hibiscus, and couldn't contain her giddiness as she lifted a pair of ivory sandals from Petra's gift; a single red strap went over the top of her foot, and a pair of golden, metal butterflies sat atop the strap in between her toes. She matched the colours of the yukata near perfectly.
Also within the gift was a sparkling pair of hair pins, meant to hold her waves of black locks together on the back of her head. Frowning slightly, she wondered how long it will take her to get ready; she didn't want the boys to be waiting for longer than what was necessary.
Deciding to just do her hair in the limo, Mikasa moved about her room, dressing and gathering significant items for her small carry bag that would hitch tightly across her sternum, its small body easily hidden between the folds on the yukata and its golden belt.
Passing her bed, and bedside table, Mikasa noticed a small wad of cash and a note laid intentionally on the table's surface. Walking up to it, Mikasa smiled, reading Levi's small, quick scribbles of handwriting.
I have no idea how stupidly expensive the festival activities are. If they're anything like when I was your age, it's too much. I gave you what I had so hope it'll be enough to at least feed you. Petra made a quick bento for you that's in the fridge if you felt the need for it. I trust you to make it home at a suitable time, but I'd prefer it if you didn't drive with a stranger, so CALL ME if you need a ride. Have fun, Mik.
~Levi
The girl shook her head, fondly. Always the worrywart, she thought to herself, placing the cash in the small pocket within her bag. Thankfully, she figured she could count on a ride home if she felt like leaving before the girls; the band might even let her ride back with them, not that she would ask.
Feeling the time start to nip her in the ass, Mikasa quickened her pace, and was soon opening the door to her room and walking back down the stairs where the band had been waiting quietly (that was worrying her) for the last 15 minutes.
"Hey, sorry I took so long! I'm glad I decided to just do my hair in the car." Mikasa landed on the ground floor of her house, the band rising from their spots seated around the settee in the foyer. "I'll just go get Rogue inside and then we can leave, okay?" She took in their faces, concerned about any irritation she'd see from making them wait so long, but all she saw were…shit-eating grins.
"Look at you!" Reiner said. "You look so good!" He gestured to her outfit, and Mikasa flushed. She'd entirely forgotten she had on such a formal attire; she looked ridiculous next to the band and their edgy styles.
"That's a nice colour on you, for sure," Marcel agreed. "Did Eren get you the shoes, too?" It took everything in Mikasa's willpower not to look in his direction.
"No, actually, they were in the gift, as well as these." Mikasa held up the pins, rubies, pearls, diamonds and a single golden butterfly hung from a small rope tassel along the ends of one of the pins; it glistened in the chandelier light.
"Oh, yeah! My cousin has had a few dance recitals where she's had to wear those. You know how to put them in?" Reiner questioned.
Shaking her head, Mikasa looked down at them, still feeling the gazes smouldering. "I don't actually, but we don't have time to figure it out."
Reiner clapped his hands together. "We'll get it done in the car, come on, people! Let's roll out!"
She couldn't stop the curiosity, and the feeling that she was breaking some rule, when, as she turned to grab Rogue from outside, she met eyes with Eren; her entire body combusted.
He stared, almost unblinking, at her, gaze wide and jaw tightly clenched. She could see his eyes working over every detail of the outfit, of her hair falling in wispy, messy streams after her hasteful brush through. It felt like she was on fire, and any second his gaze would burn straight through the fabric and into her skin; any second, she'd feel its numbing heat.
His emerald eyes finally met hers, and she couldn't help holding her breath. His look was dark, but in such a…thrilling way. His eyebrows were knit together and what seemed like…well, she couldn't put it into words as she's never been looked at in such a way before.
A flash of his teeth came when he started to bite at his lip ring, and his eyes dropped, a sigh of relief from the girl.
"You…" Eren suddenly started. Mikasa clasped her hands together, unsure why they were sweating and why she felt a need to brace herself. "You look…really, uh, um." He swallowed sharply, he was about to crumble and Mikasa felt excitement replace nervousness.
"Yes?" she said, taking a step closer. Eren's shoulders tensed, and she saw his foot move back, very slightly.
"You look… It's-It looks really…nice on you."
Mikasa deflated. "Thank you, your mother is really too kind. I'll treasure it." Before waiting for his reply, Mikasa turned on her heel and headed into the kitchen to let Rogue in. She didn't know why she was expecting anything different…
.
.
.
The six of them piled back into the limo, the band exclaiming loudly about how many encores they planned to do. Porco was loudly protesting that it should be up to the vocalists how many songs they were to sing.
"You think it's easy to be screaming for two and a half hours!?"
When Mikasa had taken her seat along the back of the limo, Reiner had moved to the seat beside her. Eren, who was getting in the limo just after Mikasa, glared darkly at the blonde, who wiggled his fingers in a greeting.
"Plenty of room here, my friend," Reiner said, gesturing to his recently vacated spot beside Marcel.
Mikasa avoided his eyes as Eren begrudgingly moved to sit beside the redhead.
"It's just too fun," Reiner murmured, turning to the girl. "Just wanted to offer my assistance in getting those pins in your hair, I've done it for Gabi plenty of times, so I'd say I'm an expert by now," Reiner explained.
Coming to the natural conclusion that "Gabi" was his cousin, Mikasa handed him the pins, and he took them carefully, admiring the art of them. "Whoever this is from has taste, I've seen plenty in my day, but none quite like this. It's an old design, I'd say its about 60 years old." Reiner felt the stares coming from his bandmates and shrugged. "Pays to know this kind of thing, boys. Girls don't give a shit how much you know about your interests, they only care if you show interest in theirs."
Mikasa could imagine Reiner picturing them taking a notepad out and writing that down; it made her smile. They merely rolled their eyes in response.
"I guess so, as long as it doesn't take too long." She turned her back to him, staring out the car door window, casually sipping her drink. Her whole body locked up when he had to gather the bulk of her hair from around her face; she swears she heard some low growl, passed it off as the engine from the car.
"It's simple really," Reiner said, breaking the silence, "all you do is gather it all together at the back, twist the hair." He did the action as he explained it, Mikasa attempting to picture it in her head. He pulled the end of her hair and touched it to the end on her head. "Make sure the whole length is twisted and tuck it under here and ease the hair over it to create a smooth river." He pinned her hair with the hair stick. "Done. Takes 30 seconds." He rushed it out and when Mikasa turned he had his palms up as if she had burned him. She also noticed that Eren had traded spots with Marcel and gazed out the window, back turned to her.
Is this really jealousy? Mikasa thought as she recalled Porco's stinging words. Why won't he just say something if it's making him upset?
"Eren isn't the best at expressing how he feels."
In a way, I guess that made him like her.
.
.
.
The layout of the festival was quite simple and convenient. Mikasa had been worried about being shoulder to shoulder with people as they all crowded in front of the stage, but the activities and rides had all been strewn neatly into a semi-circle, the stage at the very front and center. The entrance was large and already teeming with visitors, all dressed elegantly and vocalizing their excitement loudly.
The limo had bypassed the parking lot and entrance altogether, and instead, curved around the edges of the festival. They drove past the backs of rides and food stands, passed the quarters of the staff, until they reached the back of the stage, where an outbuilding resided. A group of people stood in front of the building, awaiting the band clearly, as they all held clipboards and kept checking their watches.
The limo came to a stop, and the driver exited the car. He cleared his throat as he opened the door, and Mikasa, who was the closest, quickly hopped out.
She gathered her footing and faced the group with a blank expression; they stared at her like she had grown a second head. She waved politely. In their confusion, they waved back as the band got out of the vehicle themselves.
"Titanic Devils, welcome!" A young woman stepped forward, clipboard and earpiece attached and smiled warmly at the men. "We are honoured you agreed to participate in this year's Fall Festival as a music act. We have your time slot secured, and dressing rooms to hang out in while you wait to go on. There are artists before you, so it'll be a couple hour or so."
The band were led to the outbuilding by the group, Mikasa froze in place, feeling a little insecure, when the band turned, mid-explanation. The woman halted her talking and eyed the band as they eyed Mikasa.
"You coming, Ackerman?" Porco asked. The blackette's hands clasped together with nervous energy.
"Well, I didn't think-,"
"This again? What will it take to convince this woman? I swear." Porco shook his head and shouldered through the group. He walked up behind her, placed his hands roughly on her shoulder and started to walk her into the building. "Get a move on, we're already late, remember?"
Mikasa stuttered as she let Porco push her towards the door, the band -bar Eren- grinning as she attempted to dig her heels in. The group of people watched, amusement glittering in her eyes, as Mikasa finally allowed herself to be led inside. Within the building was a mere office lobby. A desk, file cabinets, comfy seating, and a few bookshelves took over the walls; there was only two other doors within the room.
"This way." The woman with a clipboard led the way over to one of the doors, taking out a key, and unlocked it.
A giant cement staircase, with small sconces along the walls, was the only thing waiting behind the door. Without a word, the woman led them down.
Once they reached the bottom floor, Mikasa almost gasped; underneath the entire festival was a giant warehouse. Staff moved around the echoing room with sense and purpose, shouting and talking with each other. Mikasa could see that along the left wall was a row of doors, with plaques; music coming from a couple of them. Rows and rows of floor to ceiling shelves of boxes and binders, tools and batteries, everything the staff needs to keep the festival running for seasons to come.
Mikasa spotted a security office, a kitchen, multiple offices, a rehearsal room, numerous bathrooms, everything.
"You have a dressing room to yourselves, there being five of you -excuse me, six of you-," Mikasa flushed, "so, you should be pretty comfortable until your slot comes up. There is some snacks and drinks from the festival grounds already in there, so you won't miss out on that; only the joy that comes from waiting in a line-up for 20 minutes." The men around her chuckled, and Mikasa saw the young woman's face redden a little; she almost scoffed. "R-Regardless, you will still have plenty of time to enjoy the festivities once you're finished performing. There is a washroom in there as well, a bunch of spare guitar picks, strings, drumsticks, the works, in case you need anything. Your slot is at 7 'o clock."
.
.
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By the time the band settled and helped themselves to some food and cokes it was almost 4:30. 2 and a half hours wasn't so bad, but Mikasa could already tell that the nerves were setting in and the band was becoming restless. 2 arguments had already broken out; one about their choice of an opening and another about how much ranch sauce Reiner was using for his pizza slice.
"Why do you guys gotta hate so much?! Fuck off!"
Mikasa had been nibbling on some fruit and could only watch in exasperation as Ranch dressing managed to get on the ceiling.
Reiner couldn't stop eating nervously; Bertoldt kept checking his phone to see if a minute passed yet; Porco and Marcel were arguing over some comment Porco made during their family dinner, and Eren kept leaving and coming back from the bathroom.
It was an odd feeling to be the one calm and decisive; usually she tunes into people's energies quite well, but she doesn't believe she could relate to this kind of anxiety.
She's still unsure how she managed to be swindled into this situation. First, she hadn't planned on coming at all, then it turned into a maybe, then a yes, then a no again. She doesn't remember agreeing to go again before finding herself being shoved into the back of a limo.
Mikasa couldn't help but feel awkward sitting silently while the band withstood the constant voices and worries in their minds. She would surely crumble before entering the stage; she couldn't imagine standing in from of a crowd of peers and baring your soul for all to see.
The blackette thought restlessly for something to say; something to distract them with. She had an inkling that this was one of the reasons the band had her stick around; to be a buffer, a distraction.
Before she could stop herself, Mikasa blurted, "I heard your song."
Eren paused walking back into the bathroom, frozen in the threshold, the other guys shifting their eyes to her also.
"The one you played this afternoon. I was going into the locker room and…heard it." Immediately, she regretted opening her mouth, her face flushing and palms sweating.
"How long?" Porco wondered, face blank of expression.
"I-I didn't hear anything you said afterwards," Mikasa clarified. "After I heard only silence, I decided to walk away. It sounded really good."
"Did you get the lyrics?" Marcel asked.
Mikasa faced the ground, wringing her hands together. "…I did." They waited patiently, before Porco caught on to her unvoiced question.
"Go on. Ask."
Biting her lip, Mikasa blurted, "It sounded like…it just…the way the words- it just sounded like it was about…me."
The band exchanged glances, before all eyes landed on Eren, who turned, but didn't meet her gaze.
"What makes you say that?" he murmured.
This gave Mikasa pause. Why did she think the song was about her? She knows, as well as anyone, that music was meant to shift to the listeners perspective. Maybe it sounded like a message to her because she had wanted it to. She had heard the outburst from the girl's bathroom and had assumed Eren's heart was bleeding, and now? Glancing at him, he wore a bored expression as usual; she couldn't tell what he was thinking. Is it possible she got it all wrong? Porco jokes all the time, perhaps she was merely the first person that came to his mind. Reiner had said that his friend had cancelled and Eren had been upset about it. Maybe it was just man logic she didn't understand?
A vibration in her bag snapped her out of her down spiral. She fumbled with her bag to grab her phone and held it up.
It's Historia… Mikasa heaved in a breath and braced herself for what she knew would come the second she slid her hand across the screen to answer.
"Hey, Hist-,"
"Where the hell are you?!"
Mikasa had to take her phone away from her ear. The band around her, again, exchanged glances and feeling restless suddenly, Mikasa got up to pace the room.
"I'm here, I'm just with the band right now-,"
"You're WHAT!? I thought they were performing. They should be in the rehearsal or dressing rooms or whatever it is."
Wincing, Mikasa replied, "They are." She could feel the eyes on her, she felt weird talking about them as if they weren't there. Her anxiety kicked in when she realized they might be thinking along the same lines; she was being inconsiderate.
Feeling her heart rate pick up, she quickly talked over Historia's loud accusations and implications. "I'll be there soon. I'm going to leave right now!" She hung up the call, faced the boys and shrugged. "She's always been a little over-the-top."
"She just wants to see you, besides, being with your friends probably sounds a lot more fun than sitting here with us while we pace around," Marcel commented. "We don't mind." Porco made a very intentional cough, that had Marcel shooting him a dark glare. "If you wanna head up, we'll see you soon."
Mikasa nodded. She knew Marcel didn't have the ill intent of trying to shove her out, she knew he just understood she'd feel guilty about leaving for selfish reasons. She didn't voice this because she knew they'd find some way to logicize it into something else entirely.
"I guess I could, it's only about another hour and a half until you're on stage, and then you could join us; only if you wanted," Mikasa said.
"You bet," Porco said, guzzling some coke. "I am exceptional at the strength tower."
Reiner scoffed. "Yeah, right, with those beanpoles? More like record for most bones broken."
"You just can't take five minutes? Five minutes, Reiner. Is your ego really that shriveled?"
Reiner was about to leap to his feet, when Bertoldt steadied him with a hand on the shoulder.
"Now is not the time, lads, we might as well head to the rehearsal room for one last re-run, use this nervous energy for something productive, instead of stupid," Marcel suggested. He faced Mikasa again. "Try to be near the front, yeah?"
The blackette nodded, lightly, before sticking her hand up in a wave. "I'll see you after the show."
She checked around to make sure she had everything and made a quick exit.
Closing the door behind her, Mikasa let out a breath. Now, she just needed to find a way out of there. She took a look around the warehouse room, attempting to spot any staff that could lead her back upstairs.
She took one step forward, before the dressing room door was yanked open and Eren came stumbling out, almost like…he'd been pushed.
"Do it!" She heard Reiner call from the other side of the door.
Bewildered, Mikasa looked up to Eren, who was scowling and righting his jacket, which was strewn about. She hid her smile; he was literally dragged out here. Dread pooled in her stomach when she recalled, really, the only reason he would've been shoved out here. Another confrontation, though this time, she's on the other side.
"Hey, what's going on?" she started, just to prompt something to start happening.
Still scowling slightly, Eren rubbed the nape of his neck; Mikasa recognized the movement. Her palms started to sweat, soul shaking in her core. Her body tingled with energy, both nervous and excited, for what Eren would say.
She's felt in limbo ever since she'd confronted him that morning, words quick and snapping; he hadn't even said anything to her then. Based on what she's gathered, Eren should've lost his temper a little…maybe she had wanted him to, so she could finally say all the things she's wanted to, with the easy justification of anger. She'd been finally ready for it. Now, she felt those words, those feelings rumbling deep inside her. How does she draw them up again? How do people manage to get their feelings out and honest without fear of retribution? How does Mikasa admit to him her emotions without him misunderstanding, without him storming away?
Shuffling her feet, Mikasa internally begged him to say something, anything. Anything to make this tension between them dissipate, to make her feel that special way only he can provide, only he could ignite.
"Ultraviolet…" Eren finally said. Mikasa blinked. "The song you heard, it's called 'Ultraviolet'."
"Oh." Mikasa pursed her lips together. "It's a great name, and lovely song. It really resonates," Mikasa explained. She reached for her hair, but it was up, so she brushed invisible lint off her shoulder. Gauging Eren again, Mikasa realized he wasn't even looking at her, he was staring at the ground behind her left side, and frowning. "What can I say?" Mikasa asked. "What can I do to make you look at me? To make you talk to me. It was amazing at the start, and now, I can barely breathe in this energy, and I need to know, please!"
Mikasa was ashamed, she could admit that, but she truly couldn't stand the way Eren treated her anymore. She couldn't stay confused, heart lilting around every corner she took, falling asleep to his smile and eyes. Her heart ached with a feeling she has not recognized, and she needed to know what else he could do. What other things could he do with her, for her, to her? There was too much, too many possibilities, no way to prepare for them, and yet…
"Mikasa…"
Whenever she looked at him, whenever she heard his voice, she knew she was willing to swallow her fear and allow herself to forget, to feel. He makes her want to ignore the whispers and only listen to the one thing that matters. Her heart, her soul, her very being. It's him, it purrs. He's the one we will never forget, for as long as you shall live. Make him mine.
Feeling a resolve that could rally an army, Mikasa opened her mouth…
"I can't look at you…without wanting to take you. I can't look at you without staring at those lips of yours and I…" Mikasa is pretty sure the world just fell out from under her. "I can't…"
The sensation, Mikasa could only describe as an out-of-body experience, looking through her own eyes while someone else took the reins.
"Why not?" she whispered. "Is it that you truly can't? Because…" Mikasa took a step forward. "Is it because of what I said? I didn't-,"
"Please. Don't. I'm…I'm not a gentle person, Mikasa. I'm not kind or selfless or any of those things that you want. I can be unreasonable, and hot-headed…reckless, possessive-,"
"I'm not hearing anything I don't want. To me, that sounds like you're describing Eren Jaeger, and I really like that guy as a matter of fact." Eren blinked. She saw his eyes flicker to her for a second; she had his attention now. "I've never met anyone like him. He's the mysterious type, but that makes him all the more interesting. I…I like the way he makes me feel…" Attempting to keep up the act, as well as spot any change in Eren's demeanor, Mikasa took another step; she could smell his head-spinning scent, almost feel his body heat. She heard him suck in a breath. "I can't imagine wanting anyone else, I never have. I hate that I gave you the impression that I'm delicate, I promise you, I'm not. To be completely honest, you bring out a fire in me I thought had extinguished; I feel strong and fearless, like I can do anything and everything. I forget to think twice around you. The girl who stumbled into the band room isn't the same girl who stands before you now. I don't know how it's possible, Eren, but you altered my very perspective."
Eren was trembling. Mikasa felt like she had just unloaded quite a bit of information on him, so she stayed quiet for a bit, waiting for him to absorb everything and respond.
If he responds. The last time I got brave like this, he said nothing and left. If he were to, I'd never find him in this crowd, and we'd be back to square one. Mikasa couldn't accept this; part of her braced her stance to take off after him if he runs.
Instead, Eren, at last, lifted his eyes to her face and Mikasa blanched.
"Mikasa, I…I don't know how to do this. I don't know how-,"
"You don't need to know how to do anything. It's supposed to be natural, it's just you, Eren, who you are. Nothing more than that. I can handle being unsure, I can handle having fights, I want them! I don't want you to censor yourself into something you're not…" Trailing off, Mikasa felt her heart lurch. Saying the words aloud have a different energy then saying them within your mind, for hadn't she been doing the same? "We both have flaws and worries and things about ourselves we wish to change, but the person I was led me to you and the band and she stood down so someone new could grow in her place. I thought I was trying, trying as hard as I could, but the truth is, I was surrendering; I let myself get swept away with my thoughts and conscience."
Self-discovery is always so exhilarating; she thinks she understands why people write songs and poetry now. Artists, good ones, don't let themselves be swept away by the current, they ride it. Controlled, calculated moves among the chaos to make it to the other side and find something beautiful, something wholly them.
"I want to know, too, Eren, I want to know how. I don't want to say the words 'I can't' when it's merely 'I won't'."
"You…You really like me then? I'm not just hearing what I want to hear?"
Exasperated, Mikasa thought about how she could possibly be clearer.
Mikasa knew the person she was had officially died, when her next move had her putting one hand on his shoulder, the other on his cheek, and shifting to her toes to press her lips to his.
I know. It's about time. Sorry to end it on such a cliffhanger. I already have the next chapter in the works. Just so you're aware, the band I'm using for Titanic Devils is "Annisokay". Hope you enjoyed and stay tuned for the next chapter within the month! Thanks for reading.
~RavenJaeger