JUNJOU EGOIST

IX

STAY

Nowaki turned the stove off, holding the pan with one hand and the spatula with the other he transferred the meal to a glass taper, leaving the pan back on the stove he sprinkled some crushed pills, vitamins and supplements on to the meal, mixing them well, he knew the taste wouldn't be affected since Hiroki's taste buds were changing, and he test-tasted the meal every time.

For a brief second he moved his hand to grab the notepad on the counter, before, he would always write a note for Hiroki to read, but that was so far away now. Turning to look wearily at Kamijou's room door he couldn't help the tension on his back, his ears flat against his head, his tail listless between his legs. They hadn't seen each other in weeks, the last time was exactly 2 weeks and 3 days ago, when they passed by and he informed Kamijou that he would be sleeping at the hospital for a few days because of work, he needed the permission signed, the professor had signed it, Nowaki's treacherous mind imagined a level of satisfaction and comfort sprouting from the professor at the notion of not having the wolf around.

More than a month ago, when he had heard Shinobu's panic, when he heard the loud thud, Nowaki didn't stop to think about the consequences of his actions, he just wanted to save the kitten, worried to the point of terror he had had no choice but to contact Hiroki and ask for the number, but.. had he done the right thing? Every time he thought about it he tried to produce other options, but every time he came to the conclusion that there hadn't been many, an actually, non that didn't involve explaining too much.

While Nowaki couldn't keep secrets very easily, of course there was a sense of honor and respect that allowed him to keep other people's secrets, whatever was said in confidence remained in Nowaki's heart, and never left his lips, more over, in the time he had been living with the assistant professor he had never felt any desire to lie, even by omission. So, why was he doing so now?

Many times he stood by Hiroki's door, trying to gather strength to say all that was trapped inside his heart, that festered his mind, but every time he turned around and left. He knew it was a compilation of things, of feelings, whether he wanted to accept it or not he had been traumatized by his childhood in the facility, so he couldn't trust humans easily. Professor Miyagi had been just another human in a position of power, someone that not only had the guardianship of Shinobu, but also was his beloved's boss, he couldn't be trusted. Adding to that, Shinobu had hid all his symptoms from him, it was for a reason… but in the end Nowaki had spoken, after seeing with his own eyes, the fury, yes, but also the fear and dedication the old professor had for the young cat. It was at that demonstration that he decided the human was worthy of Shinobu's love, so when the results came and the truth could no longer be denied, he tried to encourage Shinobu to talk it out with his human… but how had that ended?

Nowaki entered his room and walked towards his dresser, his reflection looking back at him through the mirror on top of it, in one movement he pulled his shirt off and stared at his naked chest, the silvery lines puckering and marrying his light skin, some, somehow pinkish even thou it had been more than a decade since the transgressions had occurred, he touched the one closes to his heart, that one had had no purpose, that one he had gained by trampling against a guard, to rip the keys from his hands. That night he hadn't thought about escaping, but the doctor had mentioned starting trials with their newest prisoner, "5332" the kitten had been so frightened, he remembered quite vividly his round face, puffed cheeks, and dark chocolate-brown mane, that was unruly but framed his face so sweetly. "5332" the code meant nothing now, but he remembered it, the escape thou? the escape had happened in a sequence of blurred images and blank spaces. Was it desperation? Violence? Revenge?

He opened his duffel bag and removed dirty clothes from it, during the weeks he slept in the hospital he had opted to use another larger bag so as not to return home as often, he had tried to give Kamijou space enough to think about what he was going to do, he knew, that no matter how much his beloved cared for him there was a limit he had crossed, and their relationship had been damaged. Was there a chance to fix it? He wanted to believe it could be fixed, that Kamijou loved him enough to forget and forgive, but even if he did, would he forgive as well the transgression to his own body?. A crumbled set of papers came out from the bundle of clothes when he pulled them out, he didn't need to straighten them to know what they were, a similar set of papers were stapled together in another binder, filed between a pile of medical books under his bed, behind his nightstand.

Putting clean clothes on the duffel bag he averted his eyes from the dark space under his bed, time was running out, he knew the situation aggravated with each day he let his fears conquer his will, knowing full well his cowardice was endangering his beloved was something he couldn't stomach anymore, even if things ended badly, he had to explain the situation, even if it cost him greatly… and it would certainly will. A wild beast, damaged and turned, he had tainted the body of a human, even if it had been done unwittingly he would most certainly be put in jail or a pet-correctional. Would someone help his Hiro-san? Or would they just ripped the life inside of him and let it die as if nothing had happened?

He thought himself cruel, but he wanted that life, he, who had never had a family, had found someone to love and now there was a life born from that union, if you knew nothing more than that you would think it had been a miracle, a blessing, but he knew better than that, pets were not like humans, humans protected humans, and he was not even a normal pet.

Shinobu had only accepted to speak a few more times, barely agreeing to take the pet vitamins and supplements, unfortunately Nowaki could only treat it as a regular pet pregnancy, the unknowns made the left side of his head pulse. Looking at Shinobu's papers again, he bent to grab them, hand shaking, he knew the kitten was preparing for his "escape", Nowaki could never do that, he would remain by Hiro-san's side till the government came for him.

Looking at his cellphone, a human phone, not a pet's, another reason to love his beautiful Hiro-san, the time read 2:35, his shift would start at 4, he had enough time to arrive to the hospital and prepare for his routine, he also had time to give a message, and if all went well… well, as "well" as it could be, Nowaki would break the hard shell he had created to separate his life from his past.

- 0 -

Hiroki woke up alone again, with eyes closed he had turned to his left, hand reaching till he met the cold and empty space, and sighed, it made no sense to expect something different when he had done nothing to change the situation, still he did, every day. He stood up and looked at the time on his clock, 12:25pm, he had slept at least 5 hours, that was good, he was trying his hardest to care for himself, the rush of panic of that afternoon in the reference room had not completely disappeared, which was good, he had a tendency of stopping any health treatments or habits the moment he felt slightly better.

He opened his closet and the smell of the wolf wafted out, forcing him to close his eyes and inhale deeply, a sob got partially strangled in his throat when he moved his head down and away, breathing long and hard to control his emotions. Why was his closet full of Nowaki's smell? Why was he able to discern such a thing? Why couldn't they go back to how they were before? Did Nowaki still loved him?

Since Miyagi had returned to work at the office and they had had their conversation, he had tried to think about his and Nowaki's relationship, the anger had subsided quickly, but the hurt didn't, somehow he knew Nowaki had been lying, he could tell, not only that, but the behavior… "was he into something with the kitten?, did they love each other? But the kitten was smitten with Miyagi...why?"

Going back in his mind to the last weeks before the incident, Hiroki had been acting so strange, angry all the time, constantly fuming, every day yelling, he had even insulted the wolf more than once, was he getting tired? He feared so many things and Miyagi's conversation, his words, had only increased them, he didn't know what had happened in Nowaki's life before they met, the wolf never complained about the surely many instances of discrimination or abuse he had suffered probably daily. Was he talking about them with the cat? What was their connection? Was he gonna leave him for another pet? And would I have any right to stop him? Had it been wrong to be boyfriends? When they were so different... Was he hurting Nowaki unknowingly?

Hiroki looked at the clock again, showing 1:15, he had enough time for a light lunch, he didn't think it was a good idea to have a large meal, the night before he had stayed till 4 in the morning with the Dean and the heads of the Literature department, Professor Miyagi had been cleared to leave early since he was caring for the Dean's pet, but Hiroki had no excuse and remained till they helped the Dean take a taxi back home. When he had arrived to his own apartment Nowaki had been nowhere in site, the air so cold, even for summer. the wolf had changed his schedule to avoid meeting him, THAT had been one of the things that hurt the most.

Suit jacket in hand he came out ready to get his meal, going towards the living room he found himself face to face with his… the wolf.

Nowaki was placing a plate on the table, "Hi… Kamijou-sama, I made you lunch, you slept till late…" Nowaki's ears pulled back and to his sides, his tail moving between his legs in long anxious swifts, Hiroki looked away. "I also made you a bentou, I wasn't sure if you'll work till late so…" Hiroki moved and as if performing a studied choreography they exchanged places, Nowaki moving towards the hallway and he sitting down at the table. Seconds seemed to stretch into minutes or maybe even hours, not being able to handle it anymore he looked at the wolf, who was hunching over, shoulders tense, almost trembling, does Nowaki fear my reaction? Does he think I'm going to use my human privilege to hurt him? Does he no longer loved me? "Thank you.. it looks delicious" the words cracked, as if they were alien to him, but the wolf's tail moved away from his leg, it was still bristle, and his ears would not lift up, but he knew it had been the right thing to say "Nowaki I…"

"Ka… Kamijou-sama!" Hiroki moved up his head to see Nowaki's eyes, stormy and beautiful, "I'm ready to talk, if you…" the wolf's shoulder moved up, it must have been painful to keep such a tight position, looking down Hiroki noticed Nowaki's hands in a fist, shaking. "I have a 24 hour shift but when I come home tomorrow, I hope you can let me explain"

Hiroki looked at the wolf, then down at his meal, he looked up again and he wet his lips, troubled he grumbled while looking back down again, as he only knew to do, nodding just to make sure the message was correctly received, and it seemed to have worked, there was a shine to Nowaki's blue eyes when he lifted his eyes to check, his ears perked and Nowaki nodded in response, then he took his bag and run outside, hopefully not late for work. Hiroki didn't dwell much on that possibility, the adrenaline leaving his body left him sick to his stomach, making him scramble to the bathroom, arriving just in time to vomit the alcohol he had consumed the night before.

Since the lunch Nowaki had prepared was simple and light Hiroki found no issue on eating it after he had rinsed well the bile taste, he felt no remaining nausea and it was probably because of tension and the alcohol that he had vomited before. So, since no other symptoms appeared and he was fairly well, he ate the meal slowly and afterwards departed to work.

The University was not as busy, since summer break was approaching and more and more students were ending classes.

"Good afternoon Professor Miyagi, I hope you rested well" Kamijou grumbled when entering his office, putting his messenger bag on the floor he felt a vein pulsing, "I sure did, around 4 hours after we got a taxi for the Dean at FOUR in the morning" Kamijou thought for a moment that the professor's usual banter and annoyance would help him distract his mind from the impending talk with Nowaki, but he was wrong, since the professor barely answered, looking at his phone with a pinched expression.

"Is something wrong?" he tried to think of reasons why the professor would act so unlike himself, but what did he know? There were no issues with their classes, he would have received an urgent email if so, there were no relevant issues globally in the news and as far as he knew the kitten was okay, Miyagi had come back to work because his cat boyfriend had returned to study without issues… right?

"Professor Miyagi is everything alright with Shinobu-kun?"

The mention of the cat seemed to wake the old professor, make him look around, as if surprised he had arrived at his own office. "Kamijou, you're here, I was wondering if you'll call a day off" his voice wobbled, the corner of his lips moving miserably up, like the ghost of a smirk.

"If there's anything wrong…" Professor Miyagi shook his head and turned to face his computer, putting the phone over the table, screen facing down. "Don't worry Kamijou, I'm just processing some news slowly, they are not really bad news, they're just very difficult to… grasp" Miyagi's eye had looked up towards their window, certainly looking beyond the university, searching, his hands circling an imaginary bundle "grasp the enormity…"

"If you need anything"

"No Kamijou I'm…" Miyagi pulled a cigarette from his usual pack inside his drawer, but seemed to double take and put the cigarette back inside the pack and the pack inside the drawer. Kamijou's nose wrinkled, but before he could say anything the professor woke from his thoughts again and turned quickly to see him. "Actually, I was wondering… if you could give me Nowaki-kun's phone number"

"phone?" suddenly Hiroki couldn't hear Miyagi, he could see his mouth opening, forming words but they seemed to cross through mud, distorted, "is Shinobu in love with Nowaki? Is Nowaki in love with Shinobu? He's going to leave me! HE'S GOING TO"

"Kamijou?!"

Hiroki gasped, a hand pressing against his chest above his heart, the loud thumping of it increased the panic, the room spun, "Kamijou!" again the voice called and he looked to his side, professor Miyagi looked back at him, wearily, then recognition crossed his eyes and he moved closer, "focus on your surroundings, Kamijou, count how many blue things you can find in this room"

"what?" his brain seemed to buzz, the mud had spread "count blue things Kamijou" Hiroki looked at his desk, trying to bring the color to his mind, when he noticed a pen, the cap was blue, it was a blue pen

"a pen"

"yes, the pen, another one"

Kamijou looked to the stack of papers to his right and he noticed some files were blue, there was also a blue ink cartridge, his parents had gifted him that one with a beautiful silver nip pen, when he became assistant professor, he counted them too out-loud. Turning to his left he mentioned each blue cover in the reference pile, oh, yes, his suit jacket was blue, and there was a painting with a blue sky and Nowaki… Nowaki's eyes were blue, the richest, deepest blue he had ever seen.

"Yes, Kamijou breath in and out, long, yes, now let it go, now count yellow things"

He didn't know how long it took for his heart rate to normalize, or his mind to clear but eventually the professor returned to his desk and he pulled a bottle of water he had behind his screen.

"Didn't know you suffered from panic attacks"

"Didn't know you knew how to help…" Kamijou accepted the bottle when Miyagi offered it, "I also didn't know I had them, they have been a recent development" he didn't turn to look at the professor, just took a small sip of water, letting the cold liquid freshen up the inside of his mouth. "Sorry for the unsightly scene"

"No, Kamijou, it's okay, Shinobu used to have them constantly when he first came to live with me, it took me a bit to recognize the symptoms, the reactions, and how to help, are you feeling okay? Are you nauseous? Do feel any pain?"

"No, I think I'm fine… why do you need Nowaki's number?" this time he turned to look at the professor, judging his every twitch, he seemed weary, was there fear? Miyagi searched for his pack of cigarettes again but took non out. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, sorry, I'll pass you his number"

"Thank you, I'm still in shock of some news, I just need his advice, his guidance, and…" Miyagi wrung his hands and looked again at his drawer, "I imagine you will learn of the situation soon enough but I'll ask you for a rain check right now"

Kamijou felt his mouth dry, even thou he had drank enough, "Nowaki is leaving me, Nowaki is leaving me", it kept sounding on repeat at the back of his head like a broken record. "You can tell me when you're ready Professor, it's fine"

Speculating had no merits, no matter how much time it helped consume it would only invest his mind and energy, bringing no new information and no real results or solutions. Sure the professor seamed worried about something, most likely his cat, the situation was either health related or Nowaki related, or both, and if so, there was nothing Hiroki could do about it, it was Nowaki's life and no matter how much it hurt, he would respect it. There was also the chance that the health issue was related to the pack of cigarettes, throughout the day the professor had kept moving towards them, a few times even putting one on his lips, but he had always stopped himself and returned them to his drawer, finally taking the decision to throw them to the trash by the end of the day. "Cancer?" that would be a hard diagnosis to swallow but, why would he need Nowaki's guidance? He was a pet's doctor, not a human's… unless the cat was the one… but he had said Shinobu-kun was fine, he wouldn't be fine if he had.. but he had not asked for any days off for health related issues, only the younger cat's…

Kamijou pushed the chair away with more force than needed, standing up and moving towards his kitchen to place his plate, cutlery and glass on the sink, he would do the dishes later on, he wanted to shower soon, before… before Nowaki arrived and they had their conversation. He didn't want to have the conversation, no matter how much he tried he couldn't avoid coming back to the same conclusion and it was like a burning pain, like swallowing acid, because if Nowaki left him it was surely because all the shit he had pushed him through, every time he had reacted aggressively, violently, every time he had refused to say he loved him. What use had his pride? If it cost him the love of his life?

Hiroki blinked the tears away and took his clothes off, looking at himself in the mirror he couldn't really tell, he didn't know how Nowaki would fall for someone like him, his brows were naturally frowning all the time, he had wrinkles already, his hair was unruly and lacked shine, his skin was too pale, he had no curves, well… there was a curve, looking down at his waist he put his hands at his sides and turned right and left. Was he gaining weight? For a moment he felt like kicking himself when the logic of it all appeared, he WAS eating better, way better than he had ever ate, he was also eating on time every day, he was not overworking (much) and he was sleeping almost 8 hours daily, of course he was filling up, he probably felt awkward because he was used to being gawky and skinny, unhealthily skinny.

Nodding his recognition he took the towels from the rack and hang them beside the shower, maybe if he focused on the new materials that had arrived he would block the thoughts of Nowaki, and he would be able to wait the hours left till their conversation.

Between projecting future classes, checking reference materials, cleaning the house and writing down a few pages of an Edo period poetry investigation paper, he was working on, the hours passed by and soon the door unlocked, letting the wolf in. There was no use trying to continue focusing, Kamijou lifted his head, closed his laptop and waited.

Nowaki entered the house and seemed shocked to see Kamijou sitting in their living room, he walked slowly, his eyes looking around as if searching, then he stopped, far away still from Kamijou, far away enough to make the distance form a pressure on Kamijou's throat, a weigh on his chest. "you can leave your bag in your room, I don't know… do you want to eat first or…?" Kamijou looked down at his hands, what else could he say? What else could he do? Anything else seemed like stalling, and if Nowaki was going to leave him it was better to make it as fast as possible, actually, if it was going to be like that maybe Kamijou should rip the band-aid himself "Nowaki I"

"I haven't been honest with you" Kamijou's mouth closed shut in less than half a second, all words and thoughts stopping "I directly lied to you and I also lied by omission, I know you have been trying to know more about my past but I have effectively guided the conversations away from such topics… I have denied you that knowledge on purpose even thou most of the time it was an unconscious decision" Nowaki moved swaying, holding his bag tight against his body. "I never met Shinobu at my store, I knew about him way befo"

"I knew it!" Kamijou moved back, the chair scrapping horribly against the tiles, he looked at Nowaki for a second but threw his head away, turning to his side harshly "the way you protected him, the way you desperately tried to help h… if you wanted to be with someone else you should… you kept it from me and I knew" in rapid fire succession words spilled from Kamijou's mouth while his body shook, he moved out of the table and facing the wall he bent, "I knew it I knew it I knew! I KNE"

"Hiro-san!" in shock Hiroki turned, pulled by a gentle hand over his shoulder, the moment their eyes met the wolf surrounded him with his arms and embraced him tightly

"Hiro-san I would never leave you, you're my everything, I love you, I don't love anybody else, I haven't fallen for anybody else, I swear the only one I love is you"

Kamijou's heart squeezed, air stuck in his throat, but the thoughts came back, and he tried to push himself away, "you don't have to lie to appease my emotions, I know I'm a mess, I scream and cry out of the blue, I have no control anymor" Kamijou stopped and looked up, feeling Nowaki's finger pressing his lips, hard enough to send the message across, so he waited, unable to look away from his stormy eyes.

"Hiro-san, I'm sorry, but that also is in great part my fault" Nowaki moved his finger away but closes the gap, kissing Hiroki's forehead, "I take it you don't hate me, and you don't want to send me away"

"why would I want to?" Kamijou's brows furrowed and his lip twisted up, as if saying how stupid that comment was, Nowaki smiled, his beloved's annoyance a fresh balm to his frayed nerves, thou he was still not out of "danger". "I thought, after the incident at Professor Miyagi's you wouldn't care much about my existence, or felt offended by it"

Hiroki looked down and thought Nowaki's words through, remembering his initial reaction and Miyagi's words. "I was angry, but more than angry I felt conflicted, you were not acting as yourself and what you did… it was not appropriate, at least at the time I thought so, professor Miyagi has explained some things to me, that has changed my views…" Kamijou looked up at Nowaki's eyes and forced himself not to waiver and keep looking at them, "Because I'm a human I know I have privileges, and I live in a world that does not respect you and constantly denies you a rightful place, and I thought…" he swallowed his fear, "I thought…" tears prickling his eyes again, "that because of my deteriorating behavior you were getting sick of me and you had found in Miyagi's charge a more suitable companion, that would not only behave better but that would understand the complexities of being a Pet in a world of humans… I can't… I can't do so much for you, I have power yes, but in the end I end up doing things that make it worse and I don't know how to help you or protect you and the more I thought about it the less I saw a future for us, at least one that you would like… but the more time passed the more difficult it became to speak about it and I just let it fester inside, and I thought now you had decided to leave me and were trying to find the way to do so without hurting me as much because you ARE a good person, pet, just good, you're good and kind and.."

Nowaki breathed deep, inhaling the rich scent of Kamijou, a mixture of the acid old pages often had, the used leather of his messenger bag and a soft underlayer of shampoo remaining from a recent shower, and the sweet honey-like clove. "He still wants me"

"We need to talk, we should have talked months ago but like you I was terror stricken and the longer I waited the harder it became" Nowaki guided Kamijou to the sofa, helping him sit and then sitting himself beside him, "but my story is going to pull you into a bad situation and I worry we're running out of time" again, he put his finger on Kamijou's lips, unable to stop his smile when his beloved pursed them and an eyebrow ticked off. "please allow me to explain myself, and then you'll decide what you want to do"

"okay"

It took only a moment for Nowaki to speak, he had already been organizing his thoughts, trying to decide how to convey enough information, without being overwhelming but without sounding detached, it was a struggle with something he couldn't label yet as trauma, but knew the reality of it.

"I didn't know Shinobu, but I did see him, and knew about him when I was younger and he was just a kitten and they brought him to the lab"

"Lab...?"

"Yes, I was born in a facility, hidden in the south mountains, not so far away from here" Nowaki took Kamijou's hands and focused on the palms, trying to remind himself he was not longer trapped and bound, "My parents, well, I think they were my parents, had been kidnapped young and used in genetic experimentation, I was one of the many results of said experiments, I didn't properly knew my parents or my siblings, we were kept in cages separately, but I know my mother had no ill will against me and more than once whenever she was able to, she tried help me escape" he clutched Kamijou's hand, "one of those times they took her away and I never saw her again…"

"I'm so sorry" Kamijou put his other hand on top of Nowaki's and the wolf exhaled long, a whisper of a whine entwined, charged with sorrow and regret for a life he never knew, for a time he was robbed of, "that's where the scars come from?" Kamijou's eyes wondered between Nowaki's neck and the border of his shirt, a noticeable puckered line peeking there, Nowaki followed his sight and moved his free hand to that area, moving away the shirt and rubbing his fingers against the reminders of his childhood. "some scars remained because they didn't have a lot of areas to take blood or tissue samples from, eventually the skin was damaged, other scars were deliberate attempts to inject chemicals, inflict pain… I was never informed of what they wanted to do, they never spoke to us, only sometimes about us, when we were around, well, most didn't live enough to understand or piece together the experiments, I was an outlier, I survived till I was 12"

"12?" Kamijou gasped, a void opening in his stomach, "how did you survived for so long?" for a moment Kamijou tried to hold down but looking at Nowaki's eyes he breathed in, waited and then the wailing began. There was no rational for his tears, the deed was done, the past was the past and the story was not his, the pain was not his, and it helped nothing, but somehow, feeling Nowaki embrace him again, his frame shaking so hard it made him dizzy, maybe he was crying for both of them, maybe he was crying so Nowaki could cry. And so he did, for a long time, for what felt like hours.

"I'm sorry for this unsightly behavior" rasped Hiroki, blowing his nose with the tissue paper his wolf passed to him, said wolf used another tissue to clear the tears from his face, inconspicuously brushing off his own cheeks. "Not at all Hiro-san, thank you, for feeling so much" he took Kamijou's hand in his and lifted it up to kiss it, moving it after to his cheek, "Nowaki, wouldn't you prefer to do this talk with a psychologist to guide us? I know nothing about these kinds of situation… I don't want to force you or hurt you"

"Thank you Hiro-san, but I'm afraid we don't have much time to follow the protocols of treatment of a professional, if you can stand it... I would like, if you could let me, I, I wish to open up and say as much as I can"

"I understand, please tell me, I will listen" Kamijou used his palm against Nowaki's cheek to press and caress, making Nowaki close his eyes, "thank you"

Tests of endurance, the pattern of the security guards, the schedule for experimentation, meals, Nowaki commented about them all briefly, moving in a way from memory to memory, growing up till he turned 12 and violence became inevitable. "We and another not as old as me but enough to hear things, were worried about a new shipment that was going to arrive" Nowaki placed a cup in front of Kamijou, the sweet scent of honey, valerian and chamomile tea soothed his heart and nerves. "I myself heard the doctor saying they were going to cut open some of them, to do organ implantation, while the remainder kittens would go for auction, since they were going to be prepped for heat… they were 10 years old or even younger" Nowaki sat down, a cup of tea also in his hands, thou his face, dark and vicious seemed far from calm, far away from their living room, "I couldn't let that happen, so we hatched a plan" turning to see the window Nowaki studied the dying sun in the distance, "I killed some of them, I know, I needed them to be quiet for a long time, I needed their uniforms and their keys… there was no other way" Kamijou doubted his movement, his hand hovering up then lowering to the table, "what kind of moral judgment could I give? What could I say?"

"We took advantage of an scheduled black out in the area to escape, we, the eldest of the group took as many kittens and pups, whoever couldn't' run fast was carried, I can't remember how many times I traveled the distance but at some point the light went back again, and I couldn't return anymore, the others pointed out I couldn't endanger the rescue of so many, so we left…" Nowaki lowered his head, his hands no longer touching the mug, instead they pressed hard on the table in fists, knuckles white, "I didn't know his name then, but I knew I had left many, one of them Shinobu.. I couldn't go back, I couldn't save them… I wanted…" Nowaki bit his lips, his tail curling up between his legs, his long ears flat against his scalp.

"let go Nowaki, let go of them"

A high note whine and howl ripped from Nowaki's body, starting low in his stomach, moving upwards, pressing on his chest as if it wanted to open it in half, exposing the mangled heart that night had left. Nowaki didn't see when Kamijou moved, standing in front of him, bending over to embrace him lightly, letting the howl remain as long as it needed, and when it finally died down it left a sequence of gasps and whines closer to Nowaki's ancestors than the human nature he could portray.

When the whines calmed down and his breathing normalized Kamijou moved enough to kiss his forehead, mimicking the sweetness Nowaki had showed him previously. "I don't think you haven't thought about it, but I will still say it because you need someone else to remind you, it was not your fault, you were a child, no matter how old you were, no matter how many lives counted on you, you were a child, and nothing, you hear me? Nothing! Was your fault, and if there's anything you can say of that day is that many lives were saved because of your bravery, because you put them before your own safety and because you never gave up, and I'm proud of you, I'm proud of the man you have become and however long we have together I hope to endeavor to deserve such a kind and strong heart, so you can one day forgive yourself" he gave him kiss after kiss and knelt down to kiss his hands, the palms, the fingers and the top of the hands. "I love you, thank you for never giving up, thank you for trying and for escaping, thank you for coming to my life"

Nowaki had never cried so much, in all his years there was always a reason, not giving the guards the pleasure of his torment, not letting the memory of his mother be wasted, not letting the young ones feel oppressed or hopeless, not letting the society around him notice the cracks on his smile. But Kamijou, no, Kamijou held his crumbling body and allowed him to mourn, he saw the light in all that darkness, and guided him out, yes, maybe with time, he could come to forgive his younger self.

They didn't speak anymore, in silence they walked to Kamijou's room, without even talking to each other they helped themselves out of their clothes and cuddled close in Kamijou's bed, from time to time Kamijou rubbed tears away from his eyes, whenever Nowaki's breathing failed, his chest rising and staying there, tight, before lowering in an odd pace. For long they didn't' sleep, just listening to each others breathing, watching the darkness cover the room and the moon lighting up a path in the opposite wall. Nowaki didn't know what time it was when finally Kamijou placed his hand on Nowaki's chest and lifted himself to look him in the eyes, "Let's go to the vet, tomorrow" Nowaki's brows lowered, almost meeting in the middle, but he didn't say anything, instead he waited, so Hiroki positioned himself, half of his body on top of the wolf, "It's Sunday so I don't have work, I can call her and we can go… if it was like you say, how you remember it, then you might have a chip in you, and we could retrieve it"

Horror painted the wolf's features, but soon he calmed down, "they would have found me already"

"if you have it is possible that it doesn't work anymore, like you said, they would have found you, but, there's a chance the vet could send the chip to a software center, they could research it, they could find the manufacturer or even the lab, they could find them"

Nowaki lifted his body suddenly, grabbing Kamijou's wrist roughly, "I won't lead them to you!"

"Nowaki, it's okay, they won't know it was you, we won't intervene, the doctor gives the chip to an specialist and the specialist would give it to an entity of the government, they would never know it was your chip"

Nowaki lay back down again, but the troubled expression wouldn't ease.

"We can ask the doctor if there's any chance they could trace the information to us, I don't want them to find you either… I don't want to loose you" Kamijou lay down over him, his cheek pressing against Nowaki's chest, his ear over his heart, listening to the slowly calming down rhythm, "I don't have real power, but I'll do everything I can to protect you, you're my everything too.. Nowaki" Kamijou felt his face afire, but his heart soared with happiness, with so much happiness it was painful, but that kind of pain was something he would fodder enthusiastically.

"I love you Hiro-san"

"I know"

"there's still something…"

"I know, we only covered some part of your journey… we will talk again, slowly, you can tell me everything you need"

"I love you"

- 0 -

Nowaki twitched at every sound or movement, his strides were short, his body instinctively pressing against Kamijou's, pushing him to a wall constantly. Kamijou wasn't exactly happy with that, frustrated with avoiding people or the wall, but unable to stop Nowaki from reacting, all that he had shared had reopened a wound so deep there was no way it was even half healed, and he knew there was nothing he could say that would "cure" it.

Knowing full well how much the truth affected the wolf Kamijou had made sure all possible issues had been dealt with, so he was relieved when at entering the building he found no one around, there were no patients nor owners waiting, the nurses were also nowhere to be found, only the receptionist was there, and when they approached the desk she talked slowly, with a soft tone and without looking the wolf in his eyes, Kamijou might gift the girl a basket, Nowaki visible calmed down, less twitchy, his shoulders not as tense, his ears perking up.

"That's all the information we need, the rest I have pre-recorded with the information we have, the doctor is already waiting for you"

Kamijou felt his cheeks warm up but still took Nowaki's hand in his and pulled the wolf kindly to the doctor's office.

"Nowaki-kun, hi" the doctor stood from her chair and approached them just as slowly as the receptionist had talked, then she took Nowaki's hand. "Kamijou-san told me a bit of the situation, I just want you to know that I'm sorry for all the suffering you had to endure, you have been very strong and brave when you shouldn't had to have been, and I promise you that I will do everything in my power to help you, and to bring those criminals to justice"

"thank you" Nowaki's voice was meek, but it didn't waver, so Kamijou tightened his hold on Nowaki's hand, the wolf turned to look at him and smiled a tiny smile, not even close to what he used to give him, but it was a start.

They allowed Kamijou to be behind the glass during the scan, when the chip's presence was confirmed the doctor immediately took them to another room to prepare for a simple same-day surgery. "I was certain the chip would be there, thankfully it is close to surface and it won't be difficult to extract, I know it will be distressing but I think keeping you asleep will be the best option"

Kamijou almost protested but Nowaki squeezed his hand, that he had not stopped holding every time they were in the same room, "I understand, just, if Hiro-san could be with me till I fall asleep?" Doctor Matsumoto smiled and nodded, "he can, don't worry, he'll be the last face you see and when you wake up he'll be the first one too"

"Thank you" both said, but neither looked at the doctor.

- 0 -

"Hiro-san, stop looking at your phone, doctor said she it would take at least a week to get any information out" Kamijou pursed his lips and put the phone down on their table, but his hand still touched the case, maybe they would find information sooner, maybe… "what if they're still searching? There's been so many years, by now they would have tried, right?… right?" biting his lips he moved his phone to check it's recent notifications, empty. "Please Hiro-san, it doesn't do you any good…" Hiroki lifted his face to look at the wolf, who was focusing hard on the food sizzling in the pot, but he said nothing, afterwards dinner was done and they ate in comfortable silence. It was only when they were resting in bed when finally, Nowaki spoke.

"I finally met Shinobu at Uni, the day I went to pick you up for the vet annual visit, you weren't at the office, he was…" Kamijou swallowed saliva, feeling a shiver running down his spine, but Nowaki surrounded him with his arms and pulled his body against him, "Something… Shinobu had been made and programmed to act as a clicker, a term they coined I guess, and he was successful as such… the chemicals, his scent… it took away my reasoning" Nowaki was now trembling, his arms pressing Hiroki even closer to him, as if trying to blend them together by sheer force, "even thou I love you so much, even thou I only mate once, I still felt the need to breed with him" Nowaki moved his head, hiding his face against Hiroki's neck and shoulder, "I became violent and animalistic. I was not myself, can't remember fully what happened, but the emotions and thoughts are so clear now"

"It was never you, it wasn't your fault, it was the lab" Kamijou soothed and comforted his wolf, Nowaki just inhaled deep and kept piecing together the recent past, "After that Shinobu searched for me, because he was remembering things and wanted to know, because I had been able to escape and he hadn't" Nowaki looked at the papers, ominously stacked on top of his nightstand, he opened his mouth but no words came out, he needed to speak, he had to explain, no matter how painful it could turn, no matter how fast Kamijou's love could turn to disgust, fear or hatred, he needed to say it. "He knew about the reaction, they let him go, they had planned something, but it went wrong and… we don't know, I used the laboratory at the hospital to run tests, it took us some time, too much time, and he became sick, he is… he…"

"Nowaki" Kamijou called him, almost loud enough to be a scream, the wolf closed his mouth, "Nowaki, breath, breath" finally noticing he was holding his breath Nowaki inhaled, short and gasping first, then every time calmer and longer, his lower jaw somehow hurting, so he moved it to release the tension. "I think you were grinding your teeth"

"Oh" Nowaki lowered his eyes, it seemed everything was so difficult, why couldn't he be braver?

"Let's stop for now, you'll tell me later, okay?" Kamijou moved his hand and caressed Nowaki's back, before he could refute Kamijou kissed the shoulder closer to him and pressed his cheek against it, "you have been letting go of so much too fast, it won't be good and it might cause more harm, please, tomorrow is soon enough, it's only a few hours, not even a day"

"Tomorrow, it can not wait... Tomorrow" Nowaki nodded his head and inhaled again the rich scent of his beloved, "I'll be able... Hiro-san, there's nothing I treasure more than you"

Hiroki closed his eyes and counted to ten, withholding as much as he could the tears filling up his eyes, his Nowaki had suffered so horrendously, what else is missing? What else is torturing my wolf so deeply? "It's okay Nowaki, you will tell me, and we'll find a solution, together, okay?"

"Yes, together, Hiro-san, I won't ever let anything hurt you, I promise" the promise seemed odd at the first second, but Kamijou knowing full well the trauma the wolf dragged understood his fear in some degree, he himself felt like promising the same, the reminder of the chip still pulsing like livid flames in his brain, "Me too Nowaki, I will never let anything hurt you, I promise"

Promises said and received Kamijou turned to face the window, wrapping Nowaki's arms around himself. When Hiroki was deeply asleep Nowaki moved his hand lower, softly touching his Hiro-san's belly, allowing himself to cradle it, letting his body do what it had wanted to do since he had found out, protect their unborn child.

Their bodies slowly lost their strength, becoming limp, their breathing easing and slowing while their minds drifted to the muddled recedes of their memories and thoughts, but they never stopped holding each other, their arms linked, their hearts close, beating in unison.

- 0 -

Morning was chaotic like usual, so much so Kamijou almost forgot their weekend ordeal, but it was still in the forefront of his mind, still, he acted as nothing had happened, grumbling about Nowaki not waking him up, complaining about professor Miyagi's antics, it was all going well till he turned to say goodbye and he noticed Nowaki bending to give him a kiss goodbye, but faltering midway, his eyes troubled.

"To hell with pride"

"Dumb-ass" Kamijou pushed himself up with the tip of his feet and pressed a soft kiss on Nowaki's lips, his whole head, neck, ears and even his back turning red and hot, "see you in the afternoon"

"Thank you Hiro-san, I love you" it was painful to note the lack of cheerfulness, the missing shine and brightness of his eyes, but the love and tenderness was there, and Kamijou for once had done the right thing, or at least, that's what he thought, maybe, sometimes, he was really hard on himself.

And with that Kamijou thought the day was meant to go great, his classes went well, most of the student turned in their papers, and even when a faulty wire forced them to change rooms to the Engineer building, it was still a good day. "Misaki-kun, can I speak with you for a minute please?" Kamijou called one of his most troublesome cat-student, well, plain student, just student, he was just a slow learner and required more attention than others, but what was Kamijou? If not attentive and dedicated to his students.

"Yes professor Kamijou?" the youngster seemed stressed, Kamijou noted the bushy tale bristling and softening over and over, "was there something wrong with my paper?"

"Not this one in particular, I'm a tad worried about your semester's project, you don't have approved reference material yet" Kamijou put all his papers back in his messenger bag and turned towards the door, "walk with me, tell me, what's the problem?, your topic is not common but it shouldn't be this tough"

Misaki sighed and followed him, explaining, or trying to explain his research process, it took little time for Kamijou to realize the issue and through trial and error he was able to point out and explain how to correct the issue, Misaki was beaming by the time they were in the parking lot behind the building. "Thank you Kamijou-sensei I was really lost…" when Misaki stopped abruptly Kamijou turned to check on the cat, he was looking at another one, "you know Shinobu-kun?" Misaki's brows trembled and he seemed to arch his back, "we had an altercation some time ago" the cat mumbled and Kamijou pursed his lips, looking at Shinobu walking alone, he raised his head and called him out, thankfully there were no other students around to be offended by his loud voice, and Shinobu walked towards them, also, quite unease at seeing Misaki.

"Shinobu-kun, Misaki-kun here tells me you had a problem with him, could you tell me what happened?" If both were reacting so nervously it was definitely something to address

"It was my fault" Shinobu said almost in a whisper, but he seemed to change his stance, breathing hard for a moment, "It was my fault, I suffer with PTSD and reacted badly to a memory, it was not Misaki-san's fault, I shouldn't have attacked him… I shouldn't have attacked you, I'm sorry" Shinobu looked down, cheeks flushed, Misaki in turn shook his head and took the repenting cat's hand in his "No, no, I'm sorry you were so frightened that day, I was also told that something had affected you, but never stopped to think how much really it had… hope you don't feel so bad in the future"

"I'm going to have therapy, it's fine" the cat said, obviously unnerved with Misaki's overtly familiar reaction, but Kamijou couldn't help but smile, feeling a sense of pride at helping both young cats not only communicate better, but maybe start a good relationship, it was after all, part of the job of a professor, to guide their students to improve themselves, even in such things as interpersonal relationships. Kamijou coughed to draw both cat's attention when a screeching sound made him stop and look to his left, in a matter of seconds 2 vans approached them and stopped, effectively closing their exits.

Before Kamijou could finish stepping back the van's doors opened and a thick smoke broke from it, "RUN" someone said, it might have been Shinobu, the smoke spread faster than had any right to, he tried to search for both of his students, he needed to find them, if they could enter the unbroken wooded area, if they walked north, they might reach the sports grounds, they had to try! Kamijou let go of his books and used his jacket to breath non-toxic air, he heard coughing, he heard clipped words, the people from the van were coming out. Moving away from the voices he kept searching for either of his students, for a moment he saw a shadow but everything was a grayish-white tone that blend all around them, how many cans had they opened on them? His eyes were watering, his throat burned already, he pulled his phone and dialed the first number on speed dial.

"Kidnapped" Kamijou said as loud as he could without screaming, "kidnapped" he reached a car and through touch he guided himself behind it, "2 vans, entered through the parking entrance D, engineer building, the back, plates, you have to…" Kamijou coughed and coughed, he couldn't see anymore, his eyes burned just as much as his throat, and both were also closing on him, "They're taking Shinobu" more coughing, voices sounded now close to him, "Misaki, inform... Akihiko... Nowaki... I love you... Nowaki" He couldn't breath anymore, he knew he was loosing consciousness, so he flipped his hand to the side, the phone tumbling under the car and moved towards the edge of the parking spot, were the woods started, letting then his body hit the ground hard, focusing the last of his energy and rational to make sense of the voices.

"He's not the wolf"

"Fuck, he's not a pet" a moment of silence, then there were the sound of ripping tape

"What the fuck?, he's human!"

"So what? He saw the vans, he knows the cats"

"we don't go after humans"

"Doesn't matter now"

Kamijou had no time nor energy to worry, he barely knew what they were saying, "You're one unlucky bastard" the voice sounded close to his right ear, Kamijou exhaled once and all went completely dark, his last thought was Nowaki, Nowaki's voice calling out for him.

Author's note: Hi, so, we have reached the greater panic of the story, everything has been building up to this moment so I'm quite nervous, hope this long-ass chapter is to your liking and it fuels the desire to know what happens next. Don't worry, more angst is coming, the next few chapters will have some moderately graphic content, proceed with caution. Thank you for reading, please do like, comment, send kudos, whatever you do in this inter webs. Love you all, byeeee! : D