Revised: 14/10/24
Chapter 5
If it was a choice between the rest of the world and her babies, then god only knew her babies were going to win every time but in the days that run up to them all leaving for Greece, Caroline felt as if she was ready to fall down and collapse at any given second.
She was not used to keeping secrets. Not on this level and she wished she did not have too.
Yet to her, it was as if she was walking around with a sign on her head, which said she was going to take her kids from everything and everyone they had ever loved and there was nothing anyone could do to stop her.
How she wished someone was going to stop her. But no one was reading it. No one read the signs.
Her friends were worried over her and her mother offered to take the kids and all she could think of was how she was ever going to get the rest of the children's favourite toys out of the house without anyone noticing which she did not think was going to happen. The favourites, the ones they really loved. And then what if they asked their father for them before they left…
And then there was a voice in her which said all of that was so futile as she was not foolish enough to think that it was toys the kids were going to miss the most. It was the people. It was, above all, their father.
He was the one she would miss them most, as well.
X x x
When Caroline woke up to Shawn kissing her goodbye the next day, she was sure to roll into his sleep-warmed space.
When she made her morning cuppa she made sure to be glad she had it in the mug she like the best.
She even tried to enjoy doing the washing in her own kitchen and making meals.
Just all of it, so that if she never came back those moments were in her heart, and that they were going to live there forever. So that in her own mind, she could say yes – yes that was how it was when I was living the life I chose with Shawn. Because she had no doubt in her mind this was what she had chosen and if she had her own way even, then she felt as if she was going to choose it – and him. Again, and again and again.
She did not know if the kids knew something was up – Kim and Roman knew her well but at the end of the day, the two of them were just babies really. And for that she thanked her god. In the end, it was going to be easier. All day she debated with herself if she should let the two of them stay up late and have a little time with their father – the last hug to see them through all of it and to be allowed to tell him all they had achieved that day.
Because the two of them did achieve something every day. They were changing so much. Soaking it all in was the best part about being a parent she believed.
But on the balance, she thought no. They had to get to bed if they were going to have to get through the next day.
And as for her, she spent the time before he got home making a meal for him – a proper meal. A meal to remember.
When Shawn got home, she rushed to the door as she had done when the two of them were first married, delighted as she had been to see him home. More recently, it was something that their daughter did to welcome him home but still, Caroline was always glad when she got her husband back in the evening – that went for that night too.
More than ever.
"This is nice," said Shawn with a smile as the two of them embraced.
For one more night – she was going to be nothing less or more than Mrs Brady. And that was something no one could take away.
"I am nice," she said with a lie as the two of them hugged. When she thought of all the times she had told him how much he smelled when he got home from the docks she wanted to cringe.
How was it she had had so little concept of the good life she had had she thought as she made her way through to the kitchen with him.
"Well, I do not know what I have done to deserve all this," Shawn said as he came home to feast his wife had made him. He had smelled the Clam chowder before he had walked into the house. If this was to be the last night, then she was going to ensure they had a wonderful last. Not that he knew that.
For once, Caroline had made sure there was a beautiful starter for just the two of them, as well as a delicious main and a sumptuous dessert to end on.
Over the past few years, she would never have done this just for the two of them. She had had to do too much with the kids – she had felt as if she was too tired. Now she wished with all her heart, passionately, that she had done this sort of thing more. Made time for them herself. For who knew, if she had done that, maybe they would not be in the place they were right then. Maybe she would never have strayed at all.
Before he had got home she had indeed made sure their kids were in bed. She loved them more than anything but right then she needed it to be just them - she needed this memory as much as she needed air she was sure of it.
"You have been as wonderful as you have always been – and I so rarely thank you for that," she said and even then, she knew she could go no further.
She swallowed and tried to stop the tears from spilling over for it felt so selfish to cry on his shoulder when what she was crying about was the mistake which was going to take them apart from each other.
And there babies as well.
But before she had any say in the matter, he had her in a bear hug and in his embrace. How was it she had strayed so willingly from here… now she knew it to be her favourite place in the world?
He was talking to her calmly and softly as if she was Kim or Kayla and they had stumbled. So he had caught her emotion… The thought that they were going to be so many times when he could not pick them up brought fresh tears to her eyes.
God, she did not think she was ever going to stop crying for what was about to happen to them all.
"Oh, my darling what are these tears about?"
There was a small part of her which was desperate to say - which needed to say.
But that would defeat everything. And his calm tender love was going to turn to white hot hatred. He was going to feel she had made a fool of him.
She was trying to make the children safe for herself and that was a goal which she knew she could not fail in – or her life was going to be ruined forever. She did not need to be told how selfish she sounded for she knew it.
But she couldn't give them up.
"Oh, it is just me being silly - it has just been a long day," she said to him as she tried to regain control of herself.
The whole idea was for her and Victor trying to slip out of the back door was so that he did not know what was going on. Now she was showing him her distress…
"Well, that is not what your mother says to me. She says I have got cause to be worried about my wife."
Caroline gave her head a shake. She did not want to ever give him cause to worry.
"I – I'm fine," she said through her tears and then sighed. He knew something was wrong.
"I think I do - so before we have this lovely dinner of yours, we are going to have a little chat," he said as he took her hand and lead her to the sofa. He had not so much as had a chance to change out of his work clothes but that did not matter anymore.
"My darling Caroline, is there anything that you want to tell me?" he asked and the prompt broke her heart.
There was so much which she wanted to tell him.
"No."
"I think there is. I have not often known you to be teary before - but I have. Three times specifically."
Horror struck her heart as hope sprung into his eyes. This was the last thing in the world which she wanted him to know but she did not think she was able to stop it now.
She could lie about so much, but not this.
"Are you pregnant?" he asked her.
She knew at that moment if it ever came to it - if he ever asked her if she had had an affair she could not lie to his face. She could not do it.
Nor about this.
She nodded. What a fool she had been to tell Victor before she had told Shawn. She did not know why she had done it in that order and she did not think she would ever know. But she had – but now to her horror, they both knew.
"Oh, my darling, that is wonderful!"
She wished it was. She wished it was as it had been all of the other times, so they could just enjoy it and love it and have it as their own little baby. She wished his truth of this situation was her own.
"Oh, Shawn –"
"Listen, I know it is a little sooner than we had planned after our Kayla turned up but none of that stands now does it – they are on their way!" he said as he cupped her cheeks in his hands.
"No – no I guess not," she said as she threw herself into his arms.
She was rewarded with a kiss in her hair. Then another and another after that. "Is that what has been worrying you the past weeks – love, why didn't you tell me? We share all these things, don't we?" he asked her and she gave a nod.
"Of course, we do – it is just like you said, Kayla is so little, and I did not know if you were going to be happy about it or not – I did not even know if I was happy about it or not," she confessed. They were the truest words she thought she had said to him in too long.
She hoped he understood as far as he could.
"Well, of course, I am happy about it – our table is magic, isn't it?!" he was sure they were going to find enough to go around.
She gave a laugh and nodded as he wiped her tears.
"Are you sure it is just the baby – there is nothing else worrying you?" he asked as he drew back and looked into her eyes. She was sure to some degree right then he could see right through her. And it terrified her. "Is that not enough to be going on with?" she asked with a smile.
It took him a moment before he nodded.
"Oh, of course it is more than enough – I – I can't wait to tell the kids, they are going to be made up to get a new brother or sister," he said with the same grin on his face he always did when he thought of the two of them having a new arrival. She felt blessed.
Yes, she dared to say they were going to be excited.
"Why don't you go and wash up for dinner?" she asked him and it took him no time at all to agree.
"You know if I were to ever go a long way from home…" Shawn said as the two of them ate. "This is the food I would long for and come home for," he said to her with a grin and she knew in that moment there was no lie.
"Well for tonight we are all safe at home," She said as she took his hand and gave him a soft smile. She did not know how Victor would feel about what she was doing if she knew but she could not lie to herself.
More than anything, she wanted Shawn that night – and the two of them. Safety.
"Is it a good idea love? Is it safe, for the babe?" he asked her and she nodded. She was worldly wise enough to know her husbands love could cause no harm…
And it was not as if he was going to get her pregnant.
As they made their way up to the bed, Caroline in the crook of her husband arms as they went, Shawn broke the moment only too look in on their babies.
"I am just going to say goodnight to them – just quickly, darling."
She nodded and then as he said goodnight to his children, she made herself watch at the door for she truly believed it was the right thing to do. She had to know what she was doing and she knew in her heart this was an image which she was going to torture herself with for a long time to come and rightly so.
All the time it was just bringing it back to her more and more what an evil she had and was going to commit.
Roman did not stir at his father's touch as Shawn leaned over and kissed his forehead as he had done ever since he had a small boy before bed.
Kimmie, however, knew her Pop was close.
"Daddy," she murmured as he tucked her in tight.
"Stay asleep, my best girl – sweet dreams and God bless," he murmured gently as she seemed to take what he said had said to heart and rolled back over.
Caroline hoped there was going to come a day when he stopped calling Kimberly his best girl for she did not know what that was going to do to Kayla when she was growing up.
But then she realised, this was not going to be the father the two girls grew up with and that was the least of her worries right then. So, Shawn could call his child whatever he wished - and they could have this moment to themselves.
Once he had had his moment to say goodnight to all the children, Caroline was pleased to see the two of them were going to get a moment as well.
As soon as they were in the bedroom she was pleased to see he felt as passionate about her then as she felt he always had and it went the same way as well. She wondered if the two of them had been home and together a bit more would things be different for them right then, for the one thing she knew for sure was that this was not wrong between the two of them.
Somethings were – sex wasn't one of them.
"Oh I love you," she sighed, moaning as she marvelled at the way she felt right then. And she would love him as long as she lived.
Knowing that that was going to be their last night together sorrowed Caroline more than she was able to say. If she could bottle their love and take it with her then she would.
If she could change the ways of the world then she would. If she could change her own foolish, selfish behaviour, then she would. But she did not need to be told if she was found out – then things were not going to go her way.
She would go on living a lie. She had built this bed and now she had to lie on it.
And pray that one day she would be forgiven.
After Shawn had fallen asleep, she rolled over and tried to switch off her own mind so easily, only to find she had no such luck.
She thought about the suit cases which were packed and at Victor's and she thought about the future. She had no idea what it held. Had it not been for the fact she was in herself two and not one right then, she would have felt alone.
Despite the fact she was under the covers, Caroline shivered - part of her was surprised that she had got this far with the baby, for if she was told of all the stress she was going to be under she was sure that something might have gone amiss.
It hadn't. This one was strong, just as its siblings were. They wanted to live – and why would they not - , she thought as she stroked her stomach. It was flat enough for now.
Sometimes it helped Caroline to remember why she was doing this and it was not just for the children she had already but for the ones she was going to have.
A part of her felt guilty as she knew in many ways it seemed to her she was putting this one above the rest.
In her heart, she knew there was going to come a day when one of the others looked at her dead in the eye and said to her, meaning every word of it, why did my baby brother or sister mean more to you than I did, when I was the one who was already there with you?
She breathed out as she realised that she had her answer to that already and she was able to deny what they were saying to her and able to do so honestly, as that was not the reason why she was doing any of this. The heart of the matter what she was doing it so all of her babies could stay together and be brought up together. She did not want the one inside of her right then to grow up without the others. One did not matter more – all four of them were just as important to her.
As long as they were together, she could reason all of this was alright – for them. She could make it right.
But that night wasn't about the children. She turned and watched Shawn sleep and cleared her mind of everything beyond themselves.
God, how she loved him. And how she hated herself for what she was about to do to him.
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