Chapters: 5/?
Word count: 2.7k
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colour my spine, I'm giving you my all
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part five
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xiii
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"I sense that you need to get something off your chest, Fukube-kun. Would you like to take a detour with me?"
Surprised, Satoshi looks away from the eraser fluff on his desk to face Juumonji, "Don't you have something planned today?"
"I'll stick a notice on the clubroom door," Juumonji answers, leaning away to quickly tear off some scrap paper.
Satoshi hums in response, making sure the last of his things are in order in his backpack — his favourite stationery tucked into his pencil case, his homework colour-coded with sticky notes — and his wallet and keys tucked safely into his drawstring bag.
When Juumonji was done writing, she held the notice up. It read: Today's prophecy meeting is cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. Oh, the irony!
He smiles at her. "It can't be helped,"
They both grabbed their Winter coats and Juumonji leads Satoshi out into long stretches of hallways, down several flights of stairs and in front of the Fortune Telling Clubroom that overlooks the sports field. They've stayed silent the whole journey, there wasn't really a need to say anything while walking, but now Satoshi knows they have to, and his gut instinct is to stall.
"So, how are things going?" Satoshi asks.
"What do you mean?" Juumonji asks back, distracted as she rummages through her book bag. She becomes less occupied when she finally produces a butterfly-printed sellotape ring between her two fingers and sticks the notice onto the sliding door.
"Your society,"
"Ah,"
Juumonji unlocks the door and walks in, easy in her movements, accustomed to the habit. Satoshi follows her, somewhat glad to escape the chilly halls and into the warm-ish space.
"Still just me," She replies, as if it isn't obvious by the room they're currently in, lacking in a single soul. Juumonji makes a beeline to turn on the heater then she gestures to the little portable stove sitting in the corner, "Tea?"
"Sure,"
Satoshi takes a seat and there's a pause in their conversation while Juumonji waits by the sink, watching tap water slowly filling the kettle before she lifts the metal thing on the burner.
"Are you sure you don't want to join the Fortune Telling Club?" She questions after igniting the fire. "You seem just as interested in Divination as I am and often ask me a bunch of questions no one else does. You've basically become an unofficial official member in my eyes."
"I don't think I'd be very good at it." Satoshi admits, then says, "Besides, I'm already in three clubs, I'm all maxed out!"
Juumonji sighs before gathering the tea tin and two matching dainty cups. "You're just saying that because you don't want to hang out with me."
"Whaaat? Why would you say that, Juumonji-san? We're hanging out right now!" Satoshi says, humour ringing in his voice, though Juumonji knows he's not joking.
"You know why." Juumonji answers, sounding like a vague teller reading a crystal ball.
"Ah," Satoshi drops his gaze. "It's … funny, isn't it?"
His voice betrays him. There's nothing humorous about it.
Earlier that week before class started, Yamauchi had asked Satoshi and Juumonji about their relationship status. "Are you two dating?" The boy had said.
While the rumour had been flat-out denied, the very idea stamped into the ground, it still bothered Satoshi. Kaho Juumonji is lovely and passionate and bookish, however, Satoshi knows she is not interested in him being her partner. They're strictly friends!
This current coupledom speculation with Juumonji hits that same discomfort Satoshi had with Houtarou in their 'Kaburaya's Best Couple' days. Classroom 1-D is cheering for the wrong team! In spite of Satoshi's shown annoyance, there is persistence that he and Juumonji should give dating a go. It hurts for people to have a say in his feelings and think otherwise. It's as if they're telling him to go after someone else because he's got no chance with the person he likes!
"Our classmates can gossip all they want. In the end, it's just hearsay," Juumonji replies, her voice ambivalent. "High school can be a lot of things. High school romance in particular can be rose-coloured, but …" Juumonji stops to push her bangs out of her face. "... you like Ibara-chan, don't you, Fukube-kun?"
Her tone is no-nonsense, Satoshi knows he cannot run away from this. So he looks down at his hands and nods.
"I do."
He likes Mayaka. Only her.
Satoshi would never do anything to imply he's interested in anyone other than Mayaka and yet … he won't explain his heart to her. Not when Satoshi has convinced himself that there aren't any merits to doing so. And this is because:
"I don't think Mayaka and I will work out," Satoshi tells his friend. Then he speaks what's been on his mind, the thoughts that have been lingering in his brain since leaving their classroom, "I think Mayaka likes Houtarou."
"Huh?"
Juumonji becomes frazzled and cluttered as demonstrated by her turning off the stove before the whistle, unceremoniously pouring the semi-boiled water into a traditional kyusu pot and sprinkling the tea leaves in carelessly.
She sets the wooden tray down haphazardly, making the clay tea set jump and clatter, before asking, "Where did you hear that?"
Satoshi didn't hear it from anywhere. Not even from Mayaka's lips. But it's so evident from her actions.
"Does Oreki-kun like Ibara-chan back?" Juumonji continues, hovering.
He waits for the tea leaves to infuse, hoping that any accidents will be a distance away, before saying, "Mayaka told me Houtarou has a girlfriend,"
"Excuse me? Since when?" The questions fall out of Juumonji's mouth, mimicking the flowing tap earlier, contents spilling.
"Middle school," Satoshi replies.
"Didn't you two go to Kaburaya together?"
"Yes, and it was news to me, too."
Juumonji can only stare, standing as still as a statue. Satoshi sees her mind working again. She only stops thinking a mile a minute when Satoshi speaks again.
"I asked Shibano-san,"
Juumonji finally blinks at him. "Who?"
"Kei Shibano-san."
Juumonji shakes her head, still confused. "Who are you talking about?"
"The person who told Mayaka that Asami Toba-san is Houtarou's girlfriend."
"Why is Shibano-san important?"
"Because I wanted to know who told Shibano-san that Houtarou and Toba-san are dating,"
"Oh! So you've asked her? Did she tell you who the culprit was?"
He avoids any sudden eye contact, not in the disposition for a cutting glare or judgment. "... She did,"
"Okay, well, who is it?"
Satoshi composes himself long enough to transfer lukewarm tea into both their cups; watching the pale green liquid level, after which he sets Juumonji's cup in front of her.
"What did Shibano-san say?" She asks, ignoring her drink.
And yet, Satoshi takes his time, reaching forward despite knowing the heat will bring him no comfort, thumbing the rim of the cup's mouth nonetheless.
"Fukube-kun," Juumonji presses, eagerly leaning forward. Still standing. Still rigid. Starving for answers.
A pained smile appears on his face. "She said it was me,"
Juumonji goes still again, looking mutely at the androgynous boy in shock. And then —
"Is this a joke?"
"It started as a joke," Is how Satoshi begins his explanation. "Houtarou and I … we were always beside each other during middle school. Enough for some of our cohorts to take notice. We were close even after we ended up in different classes. Some of our classmates called us 'Kaburaya's Best Couple'. Houtarou paid it no mind. Not to say that he went along with it, he simply didn't bother to clarify anything, while I …"
The crowd in middle school originally played it out for laughs, but over time, Satoshi pushed to go against it, refusing to let anyone dye him.
But, maybe this time —
He never finishes that thought or his sentence.
"You know me, Juumonji-san. I like kidding around. I like making people laugh. I say things I don't think twice about. Sometimes I don't even think and words just come out of my mouth," Satoshi utters to Juumonji. "Shibano-san must have heard me joking about Houtarou being part of this 'great relationship'," Satoshi pauses. "... She must have also heard Houtarou call Toba-san by her first name afterwards and assumed they were together and … ah, what can I say? It snowballed."
"I — Alright," Juumonji's tenseness loosens. "Is that it? Is that the entire story?" She asks, waiting for Satoshi to nod before saying, "I can see how things got out of hand, but this is all a big misunderstanding, right? If you tell Ibara-chan what you just told me, I'm sure it'll help clear the air."
Satoshi wouldn't call his next move a 'sabotage', but he wouldn't call it being selfless either.
"Isn't this better?" He finds himself saying.
" 'Better'?" Juumonji echoes, sputtering, appalled. "How can you even say such a thing? Are you even listening to yourself? Do you honestly believe the words coming out of your mouth? We need to tell Eru and Ibara-chan the truth!"
Satoshi's frown twists into a deeper one.
Well … since they're bringing Chitanda into this …
"Juumonji-san, listen. I know I goofed up. My joke got taken too far, but —" He stops for a moment, suddenly feeling parched and wanting to gulp down his drink to soothe his throat, before continuing, "— think about it. If I tell Mayaka and Chitanda-san that Toba-san isn't Houtarou's girlfriend, what do you think is going to happen next?"
Juumonji's bondi blue eyes remain fixated on his brown ones. She's trying to read his mind, read his mood, but she's coming up empty-handed. She can't predict what he will say to her next. So he spells it out to her:
"We know how headstrong Mayaka can be. Once Toba-san no longer becomes an obstacle, Mayaka will definitely try her luck. She's no quitter. She'll confess to Houtarou, and we both know who he's going to pick."
Juumonji feels her stomach flip.
"Chitanda-san likes Houtarou, and he likes her back. You said it yourself. They're sure to happen. But, if Houtarou and Chitanda-san end up as a couple then that'll hurt Mayaka's feelings —"
"What?"
"— and maybe it'll cause a rift in our group, too —
"Hold on,"
"— I don't want to tear our circle apart, I wouldn't know who to side with if that happens."
"Okay, then don't say it'll happen,"
"But what if it does? What then? What will you do?"
Satoshi expects Juumonji to push some more. To challenge him. Foresee a future that sounds plausible. However, no sound climbs out of her throat and her bondi blue irises go misty. Juumonji decisively sits down.
Satoshi realises he's said enough to render her speechless.
"I would never … I wouldn't —" Juumonji's words wobble. "I could never choose between Eru and Ibara-chan."
Satoshi's reaction is slow as he digests Juumonji's reply before he begins nodding.
"Then it's settled?" He asks. "We'll keep this a secret?"
Juumonji takes off her glasses to rub the tears gathering in the corner of her vision and lashes. "... I guess."
And suddenly, as he stares into her wet eyes, he feels bad. It dawns on Satoshi that Juumonji isn't just the title he assigned her to be, she isn't just the heiress of the Arekusu Shrine.
Kaho Juumonji is his classmate. Kaho is the President of the memberless Fortune Telling Club. Kaho is a girl. Just a teenage girl, overwhelmed because she cares for her friends.
"Do you really think this is better?" Juumonji asks in a small voice.
His jaw clenches. "It might be."
Because — no — hiding the truth isn't 'better'. Not by one bit.
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xiv
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"I'm sorry about the other day. I got emotional. I shouldn't have, but ... I did and … You're right. You had the foresight to see a calamity that could have happened with the group." This is what Juumonji had said days after agreeing to keep details about Asami Toba confidential.
Somehow Satoshi's selfish words must have been convincing enough. And yet, despite succeeding, the guilt eats at him.
"You're a good guy, Fukube-kun," Is what she had added before cracking open a book and ignoring the world.
His friends have offered so much to him — the tomes in Mayaka's home library; the warmth gathering under the kotatsu in Houtarou's living room while Tomoe told embarrassing stories about Houtarou's childhood; candy shared on Chitanda's patio and Juumonji's plans to visit the Arekusu Shrine on New Year's.
Satoshi doesn't think he could ever give them what they want, not with their generosity.
And as he looks around his cramped room, at the hammered-in hooks from the 100 Yen store and the colourful shirts he tossed in his laundry hamper, he wonders if he'll ever be enough.
Satoshi knows for a fact that he's not as special as his friends. He has no talents, only fleeting interests.
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xv
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"You still haven't told me, you know."
Houtarou turns to Satoshi, confused. "Told you what?"
"About Mayaka," Satoshi replies.
The befuddlement stays on Houtarou's face.
"Remember?" Satoshi continues, nudging the tall boy's arm, keeping up his chipper expression. "Back in March, before the semester started, I asked you if Mayaka's changed."
"Oh," It's a lacklustre response. "I don't think Ibara has changed that much. She's just as baby-faced as she used to be."
Satoshi grins. "Can you tell me what she was like in elementary school?"
"The Ibara I knew back then …" Houtarou murmurs. "She took pride in her family business. She still does,"
Houtarou then talks about Mayaka just as casually as he always has, saying how she'd talk excitedly about the daily arrival of new books; how she'd memorise the weekly schedule of manga that was put upfront on display; how she was the go-to person to gush about stationary like erasers in the shape of food and mechanical pencils that had little characters on top of it.
All these facts and data simply point to Houtarou seeing Mayaka as an attachment to the IBARA BOOK HOUSE. It's nothing personal. Nothing special.
What else is there to do or say? Hmm …
"And what about you, Houtarou?"
"What about me?"
"Do you think you've changed?" Satoshi rephrases. "Have you?"
"In what way?" Houtarou asks back.
"Well …" Satoshi's attention flits to his palms which are now curled into closed fists.
By far, Houtarou is not 'average' as he describes himself. He isn't 'colourless' nor a 'useless human being' or a 'slug' as Mayaka used to insult him but … being told by Mayaka — someone who Houtarou hasn't seen since elementary school — that Houtarou has always been an amazing individual wounds Satoshi.
Has Houtarou been hiding a secret power within him all this while? Why was Satoshi the last to know? Aren't they best friends? Did being joined to the hip and bestowed 'Kaburaya's Best Couple' mean nothing to Houtarou?
(Even if Satoshi hated the title.)
Satoshi can't help but wonder. Deep down, did Houtarou know that Satoshi isn't someone worth telling a secret to? Deep down, did Houtarou know that Satoshi would try to do something about it, as he had during the Summer, building himself up like a Jenga tower, only to fall apart?
'I don't know' would have been such an easy lie.
Satoshi won't need to say anything different if Houtarou won't. He won't admit it if Houtarou doesn't. Nothing's different. Everyone's the same. And no one's in love with anyone.
(Unless Houtarou does like Mayaka back and is avoiding the question.)
But it's easier this way.
So. much. more. damn. easy.
Easier than admitting he haphazardly started a rumour about his best friend a year ago. Easier than facing the fact that he's ruining a few love lives. Easier than admitting that Satoshi likes Mayaka just as much as she likes Houtarou.
Brown eyes return to his open palms and skinny wrists. He speaks up suddenly — because he's Satoshi, and Satoshi Fukube does not dwell. He deflects, he stalls, but he does not dwell.
"You're less grey," Is what Satoshi answers, untruthful once more.
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Notes: Originally, my mindset for writing this in 2019 was 'silly little multi-fic about one-sided romances', but now it's sort of … Anohana-level complex … just without the death.
(Also, SatoshiJuumonji as a ship? Broooo!)
— 26 June 2023