Chapters: 6/?
Word count: 2.4k
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colour my spine, I'm giving you my all
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part six
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xvi
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Satoshi's gaze drifts from the cactus he placed by the sill to the window. With his view to the outside world, he traces patterns on the distant backs of his fellow students' Winter coats. He's sought refuge in the Geography room, escaping the noise and chatter of 1-D and his classmates.
The heating in the Specialised Subjects Block building is notorious for barely providing warmth, yet the quiet hum it emits creates a brief respite. The pocket of solace is soothing and Satoshi exhales a sigh of content at the perfect silence.
And then the door slides open.
"Fukube-san, there you are!"
The cool metal teaspoon slips slightly in the boy's grasp as Chitanda enters, barreling through and filling her presence into the cramped space.
"I'm so glad I found you, I thought you went home, but caught sight of you at the window!" Chitanda utters, blinded by her cheery mood. "I've got something on my mind that I'd like to share with you, it's about your plans for next year!"
Masking his startled features, Satoshi takes a moment to absorb her excitement.
"Ah, is this about our plans for the New Year?" He feigns ignorance, acting unfazed and unblinking against the storm that is Eru Chitanda. "Do you have something you want to do aside from visiting the Arekusu Shrine?"
"What I'm asking from you goes beyond January," The girl confesses. "As our first year comes to a close, I wanted to revisit something we discussed about the Classics Club. I know you turned down the offer before, but, even so," Chitanda presses on in a tone that tells Satoshi that any attempt to change the subject would be a fool's errand. "I wanted to check in again: Are you still not interested in becoming Vice-President for the next academic term?"
Unwilling to answer, Satoshi doesn't take his eyes off the prickly plant, choosing to pour the spoonful of water into the dark brown soil.
Had the position needed to go to anyone in the Classics Club, Satoshi is certain it should go to his best friend. It would be more suitable for Houtarou and that clever mind of his.
Regardless, Chitanda is serious about Satoshi and this confounds him.
"It's okay if you decline," Chitanda reassures, "And there's no need for an apology or explanation," She adds after noticing Satoshi's hesitation. "I shouldn't have asked after you gave me an answer in the past, but … Kaho-san mentioned that she offered you a Vice Presidency role for the Fortune Telling Club as well."
At the mention of Juumonji, Satoshi's mouth feels desert dry and his grip on the spoon tightens.
"I got curious. You declined that, too, right?" Chitanda inquires.
Pressing his lips together, the brunette frowns without meaning to — surprised and cornered; wishing he could escape with the flashiness of a great puff of smoke. But in these four walls, the only exit is blocked by a girl who is his equal in height and excels in all other areas.
For a moment, Satoshi wonders if this is a trick, and whether Chitanda will reveal her true intention; asking him if his rejection is related to the dating rumour. Considering Chitanda's daily lunch routine in classroom 1-D and her closeness with Juumonji, it's impossible not to have noticed the shift in behaviour and Satoshi purposely keeping a friend at arm's length.
This conversation may just be the death of him. It is as encroaching as the one he had with Juumonji in the Fortune Telling Clubroom, so isolated yet intense. The last thing Satoshi wants to do is make another girl cry.
Come what may, the boy could avoid Chitanda, he's brushed off similar couple-related teasings in middle school and with Class 1-D.
With the spoon now laid on the windowsill's surface, Satoshi fully meets a purple gaze.
All at once, he is bestowed by a lovely smile shaped on a sweet face. The pair of big eyes focused on him sinks regret deep into the pit of his gut. Satoshi wobbles.
To disarm the situation, he distracts.
"Chitanda-san, is there a reason you're insistent on me being Vice President?"
He makes sure to dip his tone, sounding sincere and adding emphasis to his difficulty in understanding her reasoning, while her smile remains as she replies from the heart.
"It's because you stood out to me. Your eagerness to learn something new always impressed me. Whether it was about Sherlock or a new sewing technique or your interest in Kaho-san's fortune telling, I couldn't help but admire your enthusiasm." Chitanda shares. "I'm sure the other clubs you're involved with feel the same way about you as I do."
At her praises, Satoshi's cheeks turn a shade deeper than his preferred shocking pink. "That's very kind of you to say, but I don't know if it's anything to be admired for. I'm a database, I'm not an expert in what I know."
"But that doesn't negate your data or the effort you've put in," Chitanda says. "You've shown different facets of yourself to me and the other clubs; knowledge to the Classics Club, creativity to the Handicrafts Club and fairness for the Executive Committee."
How saintly of her to see him in a good light.
"I think you'd be suitable," She continues, "Do you not?"
"Well … I have an image in my head," Satoshi admits.
There is comfort in the way Chitanda pauses to digest his words.
"I can empathise with that. I'm sure you recall the challenges I faced during the Cultural Festival. If it weren't for the Classics Club's quick thinking with Wild Fire and Jumonji striking our draft manuscript, I wouldn't have known what to do as President. It's thanks to you three balancing my weaknesses that I was and am still able to trust the process and stay focused," Chitanda reassures Satoshi before gently inquiring, "Has anyone ever told you that you weren't a right fit for Vice President?
"I … No,"
His tone is flat like the lines of his mouth.
"No," Satoshi repeats. "It's not that anyone's told me that I'm not a good match. It just didn't feel right to accept."
To the undercurrent of honesty in Satoshi's quivering voice, Chitanda takes a step forward, purposeful and lady-like, grasping the crumb of truth and not letting go.
"Chitanda-san —" Satoshi begins.
"Yes?" She answers sweetly.
Chitanda waits, knowing she will get Satoshi to say more.
With her eyes fixed on him, it's as if she can see right through to his soul. There is no point in lying. She will unearth any topic he oh-so desperately tries to avoid. She's already uncovered his secret. She knows who the culprit is, and, oh, how her patience makes Satoshi want to explain away, lay it all at Chitanda's feet.
Lowering his head, he falters after putting up all that fight, no bite left.
"What I mean to say is ..." Satoshi inhales, filling his lungs with air (and maybe some courage), "I made that decision myself. I don't think I'm all that special. I wish I was. I wish I could be like Houtarou, but we think so differently. And I wish I could be like you or Mayaka or Juumonji-san, but that's not something I can control."
"What do you mean by that?" Chitanda asks.
"You're ... well, Chitanda-san."
"Yes," She blinks, not understanding the gap he's created with his words. "And you're Satoshi Fukube-san."
"No, you're misunderstanding," He tells her. "We're different. Leaps and bounds different. You're a Chitanda. You're special. I'm not. I'm lacking in talent and grades and status. I'm behind in life."
"Fukube-san," The girl calls his name with a gentle earnestness. "I know how heavy expectations can be, but there isn't a single right way to be someone or something. We all have our strengths and weaknesses; acknowledging them is part of being human. You are special, too, Fukube-san. You say you aren't, but you are."
Satoshi denies her by replying, "I'm just ordinary," in which he says the word like it's tainted.
"You only think so because of your discontent with yourself," She calls him out and he winces at this, but only for a moment because Chitanda covers her mouth, embarrassed.
She profusely apologises and he forgives her. He can never hold a grudge against this girl.
Still bowing, Chitanda adds, "There's nothing wrong with being dissatisfied. I don't think of it as something negative."
"But, I do," He says in a small voice. "I can be pretty merciless,"
Her eyebrows furrowed slightly. Chitanda takes her time to respond, not jumping to the same conclusion as Satoshi as she creates a map of her own thought process.
"You might not think so, but I can be merciless, too." Chitanda remarks. Her words reach out and grasp him, bridging the gap between them. "I can't blame you, though, for not knowing. How could you have? We haven't even been friends for a year yet."
At this admission, Satoshi falls silent, and, relentless as she said she is, Chitanda carries on with a steady determination.
"I want you to do me a favour," She says in that same voice she uses when asking Houtarou to solve a mystery for her. "Get to know me. I want you to see me for myself. Please don't think of me as someone who is better than you, rather, someone who has just as much potential as you."
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xvii
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Satoshi has misread Chitanda.
Initially, he perceived her as a friend of a friend — characterised by the cutesy and girlish nickname given to her — before gradually turning left and solidifying her identity as the daughter of a wealthy farmer. He built a version of Chitanda in his head, making her heritage her entire personality. Brought up with values that appreciate and encourage efforts to improve. To look at the soil laid at her feet and picture possibilities; trees in fruition and vegetables that are green; pouring from a figurative watering can into everyone, with hopes of something sprouting and thriving.
Her identity continued to turn left after that, metamorphosing into Chitandael, an embodied angelic presence — intuitive to unspoken thoughts and attuned to the feelings of those around her, with empathy that extended for miles and eyes so profound they seemed to peer into the very depths of anyone's being.
Chitanda is loosely these things. She is kind, and she is generous. But she is also a curious girl who, habitually, oversteps boundaries and, as herself admits, merciless, striking like lightning.
It sinks in that Satoshi does have a tendency to put others on a pedestal and label them as better than him; even those he's known for just under a year.
His biggest example is Mayaka Ibara.
Since the day they met, he's been obsessed with her, constantly dwelling on all the ways she is above him and all the ways he lacks. Satoshi imagines that he means nothing to Mayaka, that he's never crossed her mind, or if he has, then he is a mere flicker in her head.
Stuck in the narrative that there is an intensity behind Houtarou and Mayaka's history, and stuck in the belief that he would never understand the said intensity, Satoshi refused to entertain the idea that Mayaka might think of him frequently. Opting to instead deny himself possibilities, Satoshi tells himself that he might never catch up to the girl who he oh-so desperately likes, convinced she is out of his league and that he has little to offer.
Believing the possible to be an impossible, he scared himself with imaginary questions without solutions; so focused on all the things he isn't, agonising over how he will ever achieve all that he wants. How could he fill in such big shoes? How can he lead when he's unable to conclude? To think up innovative ideas that could expand IBARA BOOK HOUSE as a company?
These complexities of judgement are due to his own making, and — oh how depressing it's all been to cultivate a learned helplessness, and train himself to give up and throw in the towel before he even gives opportunities a go. He has been the reason his confidence has been crumbling.
Maybe he's wrong about Mayaka having a crush on his best friend. She's never said that she likes Houtarou. Satoshi predetermined that himself; just as his classmates had predetermined that he and Juumonji were a couple.
Even if Satoshi is right, is confirmation that Mayaka sees Houtarou romantically so bad? What has he been so afraid of by knowing more? Is he just never going to ask? Stuck to forever assume?
The possibility that Mayaka hasn't figured out her heart's yearning for Houtarou yet is also on the table. Satoshi wouldn't blame her for it. After all, feelings and the self, are awfully complex, and — Satoshi is only fifteen. So, really, what does he know about love affairs?
He never dared to be liked and disliked, deciding for others how they should feel about him and then struggling just as he is now. Smoke and mirrors in substitution for magic.
It's unfair.
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xviii
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Mayaka's emotions have a say just as much as Satoshi's.
However, to ask about her feelings for Houtarou Oreki in a public setting such as Kamiyama High would be odd. Without a doubt, it would cause someone even as straightforward as Mayaka to become tongue-tied and flustered.
So Satoshi asks Mayaka if they could talk privately after school and she agrees, wrapping her muffler and coat around her tiny frame to keep herself warm.
The chill in the air is said to lead to a ferocious Winter, it is almost the end of December, and Spring feels distant.
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Notes: Hello, this chapter took me 84 years to write because:
(1) I was busy with two graduations in November-December 2023;
(2) my new job position in 2024 involved overtime on Saturdays; and
(3) editing part six was a nightmare (the tone still doesn't satisfy me but if I don't post this chapter now, it will never see daylight!)
— 7 April 2024