The atmosphere in the galley and mess hall was heavy, as if everyone were gathered for a funeral, when Jim came down the stairs from his watch. He looked around at the solemn faces. He'd felt relatively good for once. Borderline cheerful even, but now…

"Is everything ok?"

He was met with several startled glances. Then the crew all looked around anxiously, as if there was some secret that he hadn't been let in on that all the rest of them knew. Jim's gut twisted around. Was there something going on he should be worried about? He'd told them all the other day that the Bonder Map could be gotten back if he died- but why would they want to do that? Unless Sidon suddenly doesn't want his birthright anymore…where is he, anyway?

Sidon had been a regular fixture in the mess hall for meals recently, but Jim didn't see him anywhere. The wild idea that the crew had mutinied against him and killed him and were now after him popped into his head-

Silver beckoned from behind the stove and Jim felt himself instantly relax. Silver wouldn't let them hurt him. He was being stupid.

Jim nearly pressed himself against Silver's side for a hug when he joined him in the galley, but he held back the urge and stood - feeling incredibly awkward and out of place - behind the bigger man's elbow. Silver turned a little and hooked his arm right around Jim's shoulders and hugged him quickly, "Mornin' lad, how were yer watch?"

"Quiet…So…what's up with everyone? Why's it so…" Jim kept his voice low as he looked back over at the quietly eating crew members, "Gloomy?"

Silver made a small noise in his throat, "Ah…well, ye see it's…well it's the anniversary o' the death o' the captain's mate…"

The rest of Jim's good mood dropped like a stone into a very deep, very dark well.

"Oh."

He felt Silver turn and look at him without having to raise his own head and meet the man's gaze. Jim pulled out of his embrace, wanting very much to not talk about the emotions warring in his head and chest, "I should try and get some sleep before I'm needed again. Hardly got any before I had to go up."

Silver instantly planted his paw in the middle of Jim's back and gave him a hearty push in the direction of the hall to the personal cabins, "Get some shut-eye lad! I'll set a side a plate o' somethin' fer ye fer when ye wake up again."

"Thanks, dad," Jim smiled softly. He flinched a tiny bit and looked back at Silver, who looked at him with an expression mixed between overjoyed and melancholy. Silver smiled at him after a moment and waved him off.

Jim had no intention of going to bed. How could he sleep at a time like this? His dreams would more than likely have turned toward something dark and dreary and maybe even a little angry. He was annoyed, which he felt guilty for, but he'd been hoping to enjoy today for the first time in several years.

He'd never been able to celebrate his birthday with Silver and he'd been looking forward to it. Maybe he'd even convince Sidon to spend some quality time with him. He'd been missing their intimate moments over the last few weeks. After passing by the Deadly Sisters Archipelago Sidon had suddenly cut off almost all contact with him that didn't have to do with business and Jim had really hoped that he might be able to…persuade him into sharing his bed for a night.

That's not fucking happening now…

He stopped and looked around. For some reason his feet had wandered him all the way to the clinic, and he stood quietly in the doorway. Demitria watched him from her desk with her hands hovering mid-mix over a mortar and pestle, "Jim. What brings you here? Are you well?"

"Uh…yeah, yeah I'm fine. Just kind of walking around and I ended up here…sorry…"

Jim felt as if he should move now, he should walk away and go find somewhere else to sulk, but his feet kept him firmly planted in the doorway. Demitria continued to gaze at him, "Are you sure you're alright?"

"What was Raeleth like?"

The question came out before he could think to stop it, and the moment it broke the air he felt as if he'd made a terrible mistake. But Demitria simply stared at him with a mostly expressionless face before motioning him into the room with her. Jim tread in slowly. Part of him wanted to apologize profusely for assuming she'd met Raeleth, part of him wanted to apologize for bringing up potentially painful memories, and all of him wanted very much to disappear and never cross Demitria's path again. He was embarrassed for never having asked before, but once he'd realized his feelings toward Sidon he'd wanted absolutely nothing to do with Raeleth. It was stupid and silly - she had long passed away from what he'd been able to tell - but he couldn't help himself. He was jealous and it annoyed him to no end.

"You know what today is?"

Jim grimaced, "Yes…"

Demitria sighed and motioned again for Jim to come closer. He inched forward and followed her beckoning hand to sit down. The mattress sank under his weight as he perched at the edge of the nearest bed.

"What do you know about Raeleth?"

"Uh…" Jim wracked his brain quickly, but he already knew the answer, "Her name…and that she was a woman…"

He looked down at the floor, ashamed. Demitria laughed very softly and he peeked up through his bangs at her. A gentle, sad expression had gone across Demitria's face and she gazed at the medicines she'd been preparing. She set aside her tools.

"Raeleth was Sidon's mate. A Zora like the two of us…" Her voice trailed off and her smile fell, "She was my sister."

Jim gasped so hard it hurt, "Oh! Oh shit…I-I'm sorry-"

"You didn't know, there's no reason to apologize," She smiled at him in an understanding manner, but Jim shook his head.

"I could have asked anyone about her, I didn't need to come to you."

"You came down here on purpose?"

Jim looked up. Her pale lavender eyes searched his expression. He hadn't noticed just how pretty she actually was, considering he'd been a little distracted the last time he'd been down in the clinic, and he stared at her now. Her markings were very similar to Sidon's; white face and chest and a rich color all down her back and head. Her tail was different, slimmer, longer, and the fins on either side of her face were rounder. But they each had soft oval spots along the front of their forehead ridge. Jim admired the purple-blue of her scales for a moment before he remembered that she had asked him a question.

"Uh…well, no…not really. I just kind of found myself here…I think…I think part of me knew you and Sidon knew Raeleth best and I just subconsciously came here…" He rubbed the back of his neck and drew his legs up onto the bed so he could sit cross-legged. He remembered he was wearing his boots still and immediately dropped his feet back to the floor.

Demitria swiveled in her chair and leaned forward. She scrutinized his own face so much that he felt his cheeks starting to flush. He swallowed, "Uh…everything ok?"

"You have the same color eyes she had."

Jim's eyebrows shot up in his surprise, "Wh-what?"

She continued to gaze intently at Jim's face, "Do you know much about Zora culture?"

"N-no?"

"We have a belief - it's silly really, but we still believe it - that if a Zora passes in a violent or accidental manner that their soul seeks out a new home and they are given a second chance at life."

They were quiet for a moment before Jim asked, "So…like reincarnation?"

"Yes, essentially."

"Ok…what…what are you…" Jim wasn't exactly certain what she was getting at and he couldn't decide whether or not he liked where the conversation was going.

"Raeleth…she died in an accidental and violent manner."

Jim tensed. He definitely didn't like where the conversation was heading.

Demitria's eyes were glassy, distant, and she finally looked away from him, "It was stormy. The worst weather we'd ever sailed through. Raeleth suggested we moor until the storm passed, but Sidon made the call to sail out of it. No one…no one realized what had happened until after we finally got out of the storm…" tears began to slip down her cheeks and Jim felt as if he knew what was coming, but he couldn't seem to find words to ask her to stop speaking. She met his gaze, "She must have slipped in the rain and fallen…we found her tangled in rope…she'd…she'd hanged…"

The air rushed out of Jim's lungs as if he'd been punched in the middle of the chest.

"Even after thirty-four years Sidon still blames himself."

Jim froze solid.

Thirty…thirty-four years…thirty-four years ago TODAY?

He barely heard her after that point.

"-Raeleth could have argued with his decision, he would have caved if she did-"

"The day you were born was the scariest day of my life."

Jim looked up at his mom with an eyebrow raised. Where did this topic come from all of a sudden? They'd been enjoying a moment between the two of them before the inn's dining room was opened for breakfast, both quietly working to prepare for the hungry people that would soon arrive. Jim set aside the knife he'd been using to trim the fat off the bacon she asked him to slice and wiped his hands off, "Huh?"

She didn't respond and he came up behind her, feeling anxious that something was wrong. He worried about her a lot now that he was regularly away; she had so few friends and he was always out in the Etherium on Navy missions. He called all the time of course, but he still couldn't help himself from worrying, " Mom?"

His mom held her locket and smiled at the clips that played out on it. Jim peeked at the one she was looking at. A younger version of herself sat up against a pile of pillows, looking beyond exhausted and holding a swaddled up baby - he assumed it was him - in a blue blanket.

"You came out blue...the doctors thought you wouldn't live because the umbilical cord had gotten wrapped around your neck…"

She turned to him now with a sad smile and she stroked her hand down his cheek, "I was so terrified I'd lost you before I even had a chance to hold you, but then you cried and I knew everything was ok…"

Jim caught her hand and held it to his face, studying her expression even more anxiously than he had earlier, "Mom…are you ok? You've been kind of…I don't know…is everything ok?"

She rubbed her thumb over his cheek, "I'm fine, baby."

Jim felt his throat closing up and his eyes stinging. She hadn't been ok, and right now Jim was feeling far from ok as well. This wasn't how he'd wanted to spend his birthday. Not remembering one of the last conversations with his mom and also not coming to the realization that he was…he could be…

"You have the same color eyes she had."

"We have a belief that if a Zora passes in a violent or accidental manner that their soul seeks out a new home and they are given a second chance at life."

"She'd hanged."

"The doctors thought you wouldn't live because the umbilical cord had gotten wrapped around your neck."

He stood up so quickly it made him a little dizzy, "I…I need to go…I'm sorry I brought it up…"

Jim fled the room. It felt stupid that he was running from this, but it was all too much right now. There was too much going on in his head anyway, all he'd wanted was to enjoy this day and now…Jim wandered slowly down the hall from the clinic to his cabin. Boy, was this a shitty birthday. It had been bad enough when he had thought that he only shared the date with Raeleth's death, but now it was even worse somehow. Now he wasn't even his own individual self anymore…

That doesn't make sense…

He sighed as he pushed the door to his cabin open and trudged inside. He knew what he was trying to say- think? Jim shook his head. He felt so muddled up and confused.

Was reincarnation a thing? Like, truly and actually a thing? He sighed again. The damn Bonder Map and the insane way that it even existed was a thing, Treasure Planet had been real, so many wild and crazy things in the universe existed, why couldn't reincarnation?

That line of thinking didn't make him feel any better. Logic and working out problems always made him feel some level of accomplishment, but this…this fucking sucked.

Maybe it was the fact that he no longer felt like he was his own person. He shared a soul with someone else, with who knew how many other someone elses. He wasn't his own, he wasn't special or unique - Jim huffed softly. He'd known that for a while, but this was proof now and it hurt more than anything.

But that wasn't all…

Maybe…maybe it only hurt so bad now because Sidon had loved a past version of him. What was Jim to him now?

Nothing.

He was nothing. A means to an end. A mere blink in the timeline of Sidon's life. Once he got his birthright he'd have no more use for Jim. No matter how sweet he was to offer to take him to the Pleiades constellation, Jim knew that he wouldn't. Even if it wasn't for-

"Dammit!" Jim swore under his breath as he fumbled the shot glass he'd pulled from his bag. His fingers absolutely refused to work to catch the tiny cup and he juggled it like an idiot for what felt like an eternity before it fell to the floor and shattered.

"Son-of-a…" He mumbled. Jim let out a heavy sigh as he carefully cleaned up the tiny shards of glass.

"So much for having a drink…"

He cradled the destroyed cup in one palm and the bottle of whiskey he'd been meaning to take a shot of in the other. Annoyance at himself for waffling so much on what to do with the glass bubbled up and he finally stormed out of his room. Jim tried to smooth his features - he just knew he was glowering - as he made his way into the galley.

"Jimbo! There ye are lad, how were yer nap?" Silver called out to him as he dumped the mess into the waste bin. Jim tried not to grimace.

"Huh? Oh! I couldn't...I couldn't sleep."

"Oh? Wha'd'ye do instead o' sleep? I saved ye somethin' te eat, ye could'a come in here."

"I uh...got acquainted with some of the crew I haven't spent much time with," Jim picked at his fingernail anxiously.

Silver's organic ear flicked toward him, but he didn't turn away from whatever he was working on, "'S tha' so?"

"Mmm."

They were quiet for a while. Nothing but the soft shf of Silver's knife as he chopped and the slow b-thmp of his own heart in his ears.

It was comforting in here. Silver thought he was special and unique…or at least he had at one time. Silver wanted him around…Jim at least hoped Silver wanted him around. A pang of guilt shot right through his chest. He should be distancing himself. He shouldn't be clinging so desperately. What was he thinking for calling Silver 'dad' so much? He had no right to do that; it'd only hurt Silver later when-

"Wha's the bottle o' spirits fer, lad?"

"Huh?" Jim looked up, broken from the daze he'd fallen into. He glanced at the bottle he'd been cradling as if it were a very small child, "Oh…forgot I had that. I was going to have a drink, but then I broke my shot glass and I never put the whiskey down…"

Silver turned away from the counter and faced him now, "A drink, eh? Wha's the special occasion?"

Jim knew he shouldn't feel hurt by those words - he had never told Silver what day his birthday was on - but they still raked through his heart as if he'd been stabbed. He fought the pained expression he felt trying to go across his face and shrugged weakly, "Just felt like a good day for a drink…"

"Mind if I join ye?"

The man was already reaching into a cupboard for two shot glasses, already stepping out of the kitchen space, already motioning for Jim to take a seat across from him at the nearest table before Jim fully processed what he'd asked. He smiled, "Sure."

He sat opposite Silver and started to uncork the top, but Silver took the bottle and poured them each a shot himself. They gently tapped the rims of their little cups together and tipped the drinks back. Jim savored the burn. It was familiar, too. Comforting. At least he thought it was comforting. It was nice to feel this instead of sadness. Or loneliness. Or crushing guilt-

"Happy birthday, Jimbo."

His eyes nearly popped out of his head as he opened them to look at Silver. The man - this man who he saw as a father, this man who had seen a person in him he'd never even seen, this man who had somehow always been there for him even when they were on separate ships in wildly different places in this wide universe - simply smiled gently back at him.

"How- how did you know?"

"Oh, Jimbo…" Silver chuckled very softly and reached across the table to squeeze Jim's wrist in his huge, yet insanely gentle hand, "Didn't take too long te piece together ye were upset 'bout somethin' this mornin'. An' didn't take too much longer after tha' te determine why. Why didn' ye jest tell me it were yer birthday?"

Jim felt himself melt a little as Silver carefully and deliberately rubbed his thumb over Jim's wrist. Silver's affection always had a way of making him feel like he was so loved he didn't even know the full extent of it.

And that made him feel so guilty he almost broke and told Silver everything. He didn't deserve Silver's love and affection. Not with what he was hiding. He didn't deserve the way Silver made him feel as if he were special. Not with what was to come. He wanted to tell Silver, more than anything, what they were sailing toward. The man deserved to know. If Silver asked right now, Jim would tell him all about Caolan, would tell him every stupid little detail he could remember about Caolan's research on Bonder Maps, he would tell Silver how he'd been engaged and how Caolan had INSISTED they put everything on hold when Jim had fumbled the map and accidentally bonded it to Caolan, he would tell Silver how Caolan had hidden the same thing he was hiding up until the very moment-

He shook his head a little when he realized that he'd been staring and hadn't answered Silver's question. His voice came out weak, small, "Didn't seem like the right time to bring it up when everyone was so…you know…didn't want to be self-centered…"

Silver's expression softened even more and he squeezed Jim's wrist, "It ain't self-centered te want te celebrate yer birthday, Jimbo."

"It felt that way…" He mumbled. How did Silver have this instantaneous way of making him feel like a child?

He felt Silver release his wrist and he missed the physical contact, but then his face was being cupped in Silver's giant paw. Jim leaned into it without thinking and stared up into his dad's gentle gaze, "Can' believe yer thirty-four. Seems like jest yesterday ye were a snarky teenager, ready an' eager te throw hands with anyone who so much as looked at ye funny."

Jim snorted a little, "You make it sound as if you're nostalgic for that version of me. You want me to be like that again?"

"Ha! I know better'n te ask fer somethin' like tha'. An' wha'd'ye mean 'tha' version o' ye'? I'm sure ye've got tha' salt'n'vinegar still runnin' through yer veins."

They both chuckled, Jim a little more softly than Silver did. Yeah, he did probably still have that sass in him, buried somewhere deep under everything else that weighed him down. Silver pulled his hand away and Jim missed the warmth of his palm instantly.

"Wha'd'ye think, eh? One more shot a'fore I got te get back te makin' lunch?"

Jim reached for the bottle, "Well, if you're going to twist my arm like that…why not?"