December 11, 2017

Leonardo da Vinci was about to escape the common halls of Chaldea into her workshop - her home, her refuge, her fortress of solitude - when she heard her name called. She might have pretended not to notice, but the voice sounded both agitated and determined. If she blew them off, they might try to enter her workshop, which would fail, of course, but Chaldea already had enough explosion damage to clean up. More likely, they might accost Romani instead, denying the Acting Director an hour of sleep she knew he desperately needed. So she waited, one hand on the door handle, as two people hurried up. "Yes?" she asked brightly.

Ushiwakamaru stopped in front of her, sketching a bow. "Lady da Vinci, I would like your assistance resolving a disagreement I am having with Lord Fujimaru." The Master of Chaldea she referred to followed close behind her. He waved a silent greeting at da Vinci over the samurai's shoulder, wearing the look of someone who did not expect to regain control of the situation anytime soon.

Da Vinci didn't so much smile at them as refrain from ceasing to smile. "Rider, Master Fujimaru. I am rather busy," she fibbed, "but I can spare a few moments for you. Will this take long?"

"I do not believe so," Ushiwakamaru said. "My lord's command has prevented me from doing my clear duty as a Heroic Spirit. Despite my objections, he has refused to rescind his order, but he offered to reconsider if I gained your agreement."

Da Vinci raised an eyebrow silently in Fujimaru's direction.

"She's mad that I told her she couldn't chop Teach's head off," he said flatly. Ushiwakamaru nodded sharply in agreement.

"…I see," said Da Vinci. "And what did the infamous Captain Blackbeard do to warrant a beheading?"

Ushiwakamaru looked at her as if the question made no sense. "Clearly you have not met the man."

As it so happened, da Vinci had met the man, and for a moment she entertained the thought of simply agreeing. Truly, responsibility was a burden. "If he has threatened you, harassed you, made any untoward attempts upon your person or belongings, or…" Genius she might be, but even da Vinci found herself at a loss to categorize all the possible ways Blackbeard might antagonize a proud young samurai-ko. She settled for, "...Or otherwise attempted to disturb you or associate with you despite objections, then there may be grounds for, shall we say, punitive measures. Has he?"

"No," the girl said, reluctance dripping from the word. "He ceased his drivel and fled when I took offense, and has been avoiding me ever since."

Da Vinci clasped her hands in front of her. "Then, as sad as I am to say it, I must concur with Master Fujimaru. We can't set a precedent that one Servant can kill another merely because they see the other as a worthless travesty whose existence is an insult to the very idea of Heroic Spirits."

"Does no one here realize that man's head belongs more than a neck's length from his shoulders?" Ushiwakamaru sounded more incredulous than angry.

"Sorry, Ushiwaka, you can't just behead people on general principles," Fujimaru said. He sounded genuinely apologetic.

"The other Servants would understand," muttered Ushiwakamaru, but da Vinci could tell her heart wasn't in it.

"If it's any consolation," da Vinci offered sympathetically, "the thought of you parading his head around the halls will warm my heart for the rest of the week."

"What, and give the impression that I thought I'd slain some kind of worthy foe? Never." Pursing her lips, Ushiwakamaru bowed curtly to them. "Very well, then! By your leave, my lord, Lady da Vinci, I shall go and find something whose head I am allowed to cut off, and pretend it is him." She turned on her heel and stalked off.

"I almost wish I'd agreed," Fujimaru muttered, watching the girl stride away. "Blackbeard's like the guy who got kicked out of the Media and Culture Club last year. If, y'know, he was also a murderous pirate. I bet the other Servants would be fine with him turning up with one fewer head."

"I suspect they would," da Vinci replied. "They'd also know it was open season on each other. Chaldea wouldn't last five minutes."

"Yeah. Thanks, da Vinci. I'd better go try to smooth things over." Fujimaru gave her a brief smile and sketched a bow before hurrying after the samurai.

Da Vinci made sure she was safely in her workshop away from prying eyes before she let the laughter out.

"You're sure you wouldn't prefer I leave? If you just want to hit things without worrying about me, that's fine." Ritsuka brought up the simulator settings as he spoke, tapping at controls floating unsupported in the bare whiteness of the simulation room. He was reluctant to let Ushiwakamaru just stew in her own disappointment, but he wasn't going to hang around if he wasn't welcome.

"Not at all!" Ushiwakamaru said. To Ritsuka's ear, she sounded sincere, although still a bit grumpy. "Your company is welcome, my lord, though I assure you it's unnecessary. I've learned the basics of operating this... artifice since we returned from Okeanos." She gave the white walls and console a look which was equal parts dubious and curious.

Ritsuka shrugged. "I'm the one who made the call. The least I can do is stick around while you blow off some steam." The simulator was always kind of a crapshoot, but maybe it'd turn out better without Roman at the wheel. Ritsuka started adjusting settings. Party: Solo, Master: Present, Environment: Random, Difficulty: Moderate. "Thanks, by the way. I could tell it took a lot of restraint to let that go."

"It's no matter. I should not have complained about my lord's orders." Ushiwakamaru glanced at him, then pursed her lips at the empty room around them. "Sparing the lives of the unworthy is your prerogative, after all."

Yikes. Ritsuka grimaced, looked at her expression out of the corner of his eye, and raised the Difficulty setting to Hard. "Well, I made the call and I'm the one who's got to actually interact with him. That's feels like karmic punishment to me." The Custom Enemy Specifications section just had a series of text entry blanks with no hints or even an autocomplete, so he put Human Heads in one, Pirates in the next, and what the hell, Satisfying To Kill in a third. They'd just have to see how the simulator would interpret that. "If Teach does bother you again, you can go ahead and kick him in the teeth or something. Just try not to kill him."

Ushiwakamaru gave him a long look, then nodded once, her expression becoming more cheerful. "An acceptable solution, my lord."

With that at least temporarily settled, Ritsuka considered the other simulator settings - so many settings, so few explanations - and dialed the Realism setting down to Moderate. He was pretty sure this was going to involve decapitation, and he didn't need to see any more realistic arterial sprays this month, thank you very much. "Okay, I don't know what this thing is going to throw at us, but however you want to deal with them is fine. Beheading is on the table, or whatever works for you," he said cheerfully. "Just keep them off me if you can. I'm not going to waste more time looking for a way to change the aggro settings."

"Of course! It will be better training for both of us."

Ritsuka rolled his neck to stretch it, sighing. "Yeah, I can always use more practice running for cover. Ready? Here we go," he said, and hit the Start button.

The console faded, and the whole world seemed to turn to static for a moment, before it resolved into a dense, green tropical jungle, complete with distant bird calls and air thick with humidity. There was a sizable clearing around them with waving, waist-high grasses, though the treeline was only a dozen meters away. A few jungle creatures lurked in the shade; when he focused on one, the simulator politely placed a label over its head indicating it was an [Adorable Tree Sloth].

Ushiwakamaru took in her surroundings intently, hand on her sword. She usually seemed on the verge of bursting into motion, but never more so than when she thought there might be a fight. With a tight smile, she said, "Shall we go look for trouble, my lord?"

"If you want, but I think it'll come looking for… Wait, do you hear that?"

"Kekekekeke!"

Both of them swung their heads toward the sound. It wasn't exactly hostile, but it was definitely aggressive, and somehow strangely familiar. Without moving at all, Ushiwakamaru's stance somehow became even more ready than before. "It seems that no looking will be necessary."

"Yeah. What is that sound, though?"

"Kekekeke!"

His question was answered as their virtual foes appeared, swinging through the trees as fast as Ritsuka could run. He squinted at them, then squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Oh my God why is the simulator like this," he muttered.

"What do you mean? They're perfect," Ushiwakamaru said, grinning with vicious enthusiasm. Eyes alight, she drew her sword.

Descending from the trees, the troupe of [Teach-Headed Devil Monkeys] spread out to surround them, chattering all the while. "Kekekekekeke!"

Ritsuka leaned against a virtual jungle tree to prop himself up, trying to catch his breath. "That… That was the last of them, right?"

"Yes, my lord." It was unfair that Ushiwakamaru was barely breathing hard. Hanging around with Servants was enough to give someone a complex. He was never, ever going to stop feeling like he needed more cardio.

The jungle blurred and faded, revealing the blank white simulator walls again, with a display showing 'Simulation End - Time Elapsed: 00:18:36:192'. "I apologize if that was bothersome, my lord, but I found it quite… cathartic." Smiling with satisfaction, she inspected her sword for blood, found none, and sheathed it.

Ritsuka let out a chuckle. "It was actually pretty funny once I got used to it." He was glad he'd dialed down the realism, though. There had been a lot of heads by the time she was done; he'd almost sprained an ankle tripping on one. "Oh, I saved the settings under your name in case you want to do that again."

Ushi went from satisfied to beaming in a flash. "Ah! Thank you, my lord. Returning to that jungle occasionally will make seeing his loathsome face in the corridors more bearable." She huffed, expression clouding over again. "A man as openly vile as that would never have been tolerated in the circles I used to move in."

"Me neither." He stopped, and considered his schoolmates. "Actually, I guess that's not true. I knew of a couple of people almost that bad. I mean, not actual pirates, just generally disgusting…"

"Why do you continue to put up with him, my lord?"

Ritsuka shrugged. "For one thing, he's the only naval captain we've got - I assume you don't count yourself as one."

She shook her head reluctantly. "With the skills I was summoned with, I'm sure I could steer a ship in a pinch, but I can't provide one. As far as I'm concerned, boats are just places to stand."

"Well, there you go."

Ushiwakamaru tilted her head, clearly disagreeing but reluctant to directly contradict him. "Keeping untrustworthy allies out of necessity is a sign of weakness."

He felt his lips press into a line as his mood sank a bit, and a little bleakness leaked into his voice. "We are weak. We're playing catch-up with the end of the world."

"What you say is true, yet…" She shifted with discomfort. "I'm sorry, it's not my place to disagree."

"Go ahead." With an effort, he smiled. "I know I've got a lot to learn. Just… can we not get da Vinci involved this time?"

She looked amused and a bit ashamed at the same time. "As you say, my lord. I would say that a lord is judged by their alliances as well as their deeds. Some heroes on the Throne will be reluctant to answer Chaldea's call if we accept too many unsavory allies."

"That's a good point." He frowned, thinking. "I think the heroes on the Throne are going to have to take circumstances into account just like we are. Don't get me wrong, there's allies I draw the line at."

She raised her eyebrows at him, disbelieving. "A line Blackbeard isn't across?"

"Believe it or not, yeah." Ritsuka liked to think of himself as an understanding person, but he'd toss Gilles de Rais back every time any version of him raised his gaunt, ugly head. If saving the world required him to cut a deal with Bluebeard: The Early Years , then the world had it coming. "But we've got to accept as much help as we can stand. Teach is bad news and trouble, but he's got a twisted sort of honor. He might stab us in the back and take our stuff, but I don't think he'd sell us out to our enemies. And you have to admit, he knew what he was doing when he fought us."

Ushiwakamaru thought for a while, looking disappointed, then nodded with obvious reluctance. "I suppose so, my lord. To stand against the Taira, my brother had to make common cause with lords he knew would turn upon him if given the chance." She perked up. "At least we can hope that Drake answers the next time you attempt a summoning. She was a rough sort, but glorious nonetheless. Regardless, I'll bear the scoundrel's presence somehow."

"Well, you absolutely don't have to like him or get along with him. I don't intend to bring him on a mission unless I have to, but if I do, I won't drag you along with us."

Looking suddenly alarmed, Ushiwakamaru shook her head. "My lord, there's no need to worry about my discomfort. Please do not bother."

Ritsuka shook his head, trying to emphasize how okay with it he was. He'd made himself look for the best in Blackbeard, but it took a lot of effort. "It's not a bother! I wouldn't inflict him on myself if I could avoid it, but the least I can do is keep the casualties to a minimum." His explanation seemed to have the opposite of its intended effect; she slumped a little, head dropping. Well, damn, what now? Today was turning out to be very 'one step forward, two steps back' on the Servant-handling front. "Uh… Ushiwakamaru? Is everything okay?"

Her eyes flicked up to him, then back down. Sounding subdued, she said, "My lord, I understand if you cannot take my word for it after my behavior today, but I swear I am not so faithless as to allow my distaste for him to make me a liability in the field."

"Whoa, whoa, I absolutely will take your word for it," he said, eyes wide. "I was just… I don't like deciding something for someone over their objections, especially when there's an alternative."

She didn't raise her head, but her eyes lifted to search his face. "Is that so?"

"Yeah, of course."

Ushi's back straightened, and her head came up, catching Ritsuka off-guard. "My lord," she said, with quiet fervor, "I returned from death to answer your call. I am sworn to fight on your behalf, for whatever reasons you choose, against whatever foes you have. That is the decision I made, and I will not allow a worm like Edward Teach, or anything else, to get in the way!" She gave a shallow bow, frowning ferociously. "So please do not attempt to do me a favor by keeping me from your battles."

Ritsuka swallowed. He stifled his first, shameful impulse to make excuses and bowed his head in acknowledgement. "...Okay. I won't."

"Thank you, my lord." She looked away, still sounding… He wasn't quite sure. Hurt? Forlorn? As short a time as he'd known her, those weren't emotions he associated with her. After a longer silence than was comfortable, she turned to the simulator console without looking at him and started fiddling with it.

Ritsuka leaned awkwardly against the wall and stuffed his hands into his pockets, staring at the floor and feeling inadequate and unsettled. So much for me being good at this sort of thing. If he slipped up like that with another Servant, like Lu Bu or someone, what would happen? Would he end up a stain on a wall instead of just feeling like an ass? Understanding people and being personable were survival skills these days.

He suppressed a sigh. The whole idea rubbed him the wrong way. He didn't want to be decent to people because he was afraid of the consequences, he wanted to be decent to people because people deserved to be treated with decency.

Didn't stop him from being afraid of those consequences, though.

At least he wasn't afraid of Ushiwakamaru, even after this, or maybe especially after this. Her hair trigger and her utter lack of qualms about violence might have worried him a bit, but as far as he could tell, they were aimed very squarely away from him. If her history with her brother was anything to go by, she'd stay loyal no matter what sort of an ass he made of himself.

His shoulders hunched further. He'd only been trying to make things comfortable for her. Had he been trying too hard? Maybe he just needed to listen instead. Dad had always said that you wouldn't get anywhere putting yourself in someone else's shoes if you didn't try to walk like them, too…

For a second, homesickness nearly choked him up, before he pushed it away. He had an apology to make; just because she wouldn't abandon him for being an ass didn't mean he had an excuse to keep being one. He straightened up. "Hey, uh. Ushiwakamaru?" She looked over her shoulder, warily expressionless. "You were totally clear about your priorities. I just.. Well, I wasn't listening. I really am sorry," he said, bowing. "I won't make that mistake again, and you have my word I won't change any rosters to spare you trouble."

Her eyes widening, Ushiwakamaru studied him as if she hadn't expected that, then returned the bow and made an effort to smile. "You have nothing to apologize for, my lord. I am afraid my brother found me a difficult vassal as well."

Ritsuka tried to keep his discomfort off of his face. Yoritomo had dealt with 'difficult' vassals like her by having them ruined and killed. "Uh, I really wouldn't say that about you at all. I think I'm probably a difficult lord, you know? So, tell me when I do something stupid. I meant it when I said I have a lot to learn."

She eyed him again. "You wouldn't be offended?"

"Nope!" He gave an embarrassed chuckle, rubbing the back of his head. "Uh, that said, I'm not very good at doing what people tell me instead of what I think I should do, so I apologize in advance."

He was relieved when she actually laughed, a quick bark of good humor that left her seeming more relaxed. "Perhaps it is natural talent. In my experience, doing as one sees fit instead of what others believe they should do is exactly what a lord does." She turned back to the console, leaving Ritsuka uncertain whether that had been a joke, a subtle dig, or something else. Still, the tension was broken, and this time the quiet was more companionable while he mulled things over.

After a few minutes, Ushiwakamaru broke the silence and his self-reflection. "My lord, is there some way to create a competition in the simulator? I thought I overheard Cu Chulainn talking about it." She was obviously unused to keyboard interfaces, but she kept at it doggedly, searching for each key before she prodded it with a finger, occasionally trying to poke at the screen itself.

"Yeah, I think it's under the 'Organize' menu? I don't know who made this, but it's not very user-friendly, and the Help option is worthless." Maybe Roman had the manual, but If he did, then the simulation sessions he'd run for Ritsuka were good evidence that he was the kind of guy who never read the manual.

Ushiwakamaru poked at the console a bit more. "Organize... menu? Ah! There it is." She made a satisfied sound.

Ritsuka walked over to her and found that he couldn't see the console screen over her shoulder. Leaning around, he squinted at the screen. "Wait. Are you making a competition to kill the most Blackbeard Monkeys?"

"Quality is not quantity, my lord. If I had enough free time, I'd be sure to win." With undimmed intensity, she kept slowly tapping keys, looking at the screen and then the keyboard between each one. "It will be a competition for the fastest complete eradication of a single Devil Monkey troupe."

"Uh," he said, unsure whether any input from him would be welcome, "you know Teach'll probably compete too, right?"

She paused to consider that, then gave him a sharp little grin. "If that is the case, he might regain a little of my respect."

Simulator Challenge Scores

All-Chaldea Pirate Monkey Extermination (Speedrun)
Challenge Duration: Jan 25-27, 2018

Total Challengers: 36
Total Challenge Attempts: 314
Total Challenge Completions: 312

Final Scores, All Classes

1st: Teach_Me_Senpai (Rider), 6 attempts, best time: 0:29.5

2nd: Oda_Nobunaga (Archer), 25 attempts, best time: 0:35.2

3rd: EMIYA (Archer), 1 attempt, best time: 0:43.0

4th: Nero_Claudius_Cae (Saber), 2 attempts, best time 0:56.6

5th: Mephistopheles (Caster), 78 attempts, best time 1:00.2

"God dammit, Blackbeard," Ritsuka muttered, looking at the display on the big screen in the cafeteria. A dozen or so Servants had also gathered there to see the results. The pirate was not among them, but his presence was felt.

"Hmph! It should not surprise me," Ushiwakamaru said, eyes narrowed, "that the wretch found a way to succeed and still leave me with no respect for him."

Standing next to her, Mash nodded as she glared at it from behind her bangs. "I am not happy about this at all, Senp… um, Master."

"I just want to know how a perverted idiot like that beat me," Nobunaga said, her eye twitching. "That's all. I'm not mad about it! I'm not saying he cheated! I just want to know how!"

"Da Vinci, how did he do that?" Mash said, gesturing at the screen. "Aren't usernames set automatically by Saint Graph?"

"They are, and I don't know how he did it, yet." Da Vinci shook her head. "I very much doubt he altered his own Saint Graph. That's all but impossible without… well, without a great deal of mystical knowledge, or the equivalent of a life-changing experience for a mortal."

Ritsuka shrugged. "If there was anyone who'd put himself through a life-changing experience for a meme..."

"An excellent point." Da Vinci scrolled her tablet through what looked like impossibly complicated diagrams of interlocking sigils and lines - some kind of graphical interpretation of a Saint Graph, Ritsuka guessed. "Perhaps it's possible to change the expression of a Saint Graph temporarily? It's much more likely that he figured out how to fool the simulator, or simply got one of the staff to fiddle with the display. I shall have to inquire with him."

"He's going to keep that one close to his chest, I think."

"I'm sure he would prefer to, yes! Nevertheless, I am also sure I shall find a way to convince him," da Vinci said. Her voice was all flowers and sweetness, with just a hint of steel.

Ritsuka considered warning Blackbeard, but decided against it. He'd earned whatever he got.

Author's Notes:

Had to make a few awkward changes to formatting to meet requirements.

The theme for this chapter is 'What About Everything?', by Carbon Leaf.

What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about, what about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?