December 29, 2018
There weren't exactly impromptu parties in the halls of Chaldea when the Last Master of Chaldea returned victorious from Babylonia, but the feeling in the air was a heady mix of urgency and triumph. Everyone who could be useful had been asked to help with the frantic work to source the last Solomonic Grail. Everyone else who hadn't already passed out after the mission was in the cafeteria talking about how they were seven for seven now, and making jokes about bonus rounds, or speculating on what time period they were going to in the end, if not Solomon's lifetime.
As Ushiwakamaru glared dully at the Servants and the smattering of mortal staffers passing Ritsuka around to congratulate him, her mood was not celebratory, to say the least. Remaining in the background was not usually her style, but her exhaustion and her agitation were battling each other to a deadlock that left her unable to either relax or make her usual perfectly clearheaded decisions. The few hours since they'd returned from Babylonia were not nearly sufficient for her to come to grips with her alternate self's appalling behavior. No matter how well it had begun, the mission had been an experience she was glad to see the end of.
Rayshifting left no sweat or grime, and the wounds that followed Ritsuka back to his real body had been seen to by the best healers and medics in Chaldea. None of that changed the weary way he nodded and smiled at the Servants around him, tight-lipped, responding with words only when he had to. There was a great deal of back-slapping, which sometimes sent him staggering. A few Servants took the opportunity to cling to him, only to be rapidly chased off by the next one looking to have a word. Mash was trying to run interference, but she was just as tired as Ritsuka and there was only so much you could do about garrulous Servants short of open warfare.
Couldn't they see how strained he was? Or did they simply not care? As weary as Ushi was, if open warfare was what was required to help her lord, she was confident she still had it in her.
"Master looks like he's been wrung out to dry." Ryougi Shiki leaned against the wall next to her, arms folded across the leather jacket she somehow made work with her kimono. "The command crew said that things in Babylonia were bad, but maybe they undersold it."
"They did," Ushi grated out. She felt frayed around the edges, twitchy and unsettled after the constant battles of the night before. A drawn-out battle against the most reprehensible aspects of yourself could do that, she supposed. As usual, it was better to focus on her lord's distress than her own; at least that she could do something about. "I don't know when he last slept. Days ago, I think. There was simply no time to rest once things began to go truly wrong."
Ryougi glanced at her. "That bad?"
Ushi shook her head. "If anything, I am underselling it as well."
"And he's supposed to deploy again in less than a day." It wasn't a question. Celebrations or not, everyone had heard how soon the quite literal deadline was arriving. At year's end, Solomon won, unless they reached him first. Two days until Chaldea ended, and any hope for humanity with it.
"He needs to rest." Ushi felt her teeth grind against each other. "If this goes on much longer, I shall extract him myself, at swordpoint if I must."
The Assassin eyed the crowd around her Master and sighed with displeasure. "Don't worry. I'll handle it," she said, and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, they shone the blue of a high and endless sky, and a shiver ran down Ushi's spine even though they weren't looking at her. Hands in the pockets of her jacket, she walked towards her Master as if there was no crowd between them, and by the time she drew near, there wasn't. She did not produce a knife. She didn't need to. Ryougi's very approach slew conversations left and right. Servants looked up in alarm and hastily made way, some of them before they even realized why.
Ushi watched with undisguised admiration as Ryougi Shiki quelled two dozen Heroic Spirits without a single word. She'd thought she had a first-rate killing intent, but now she knew better. It was like witnessing a master of the blade slay a band of warriors after being proud of her skill at beating other children with sticks. Was it something she could learn?
When she reached him, Ryougi laid a hand on Ritsuka's shoulder and swept her empty-sky eyes across the Servants around him. "We're done here. I will cut anyone who gets between Master and his bed."
There were no objections.
Ritsuka's shoulders dropped subtly in relief, even as he said, "No, no, it's fine, they're just -" Ryougi cut him off with a gentle shove between the shoulder blades to get him moving, and he acquiesced. "Okay, sorry, I guess it really is bedtime. Good night, everyone." He trudged toward the door with Ryougi just behind.
Ushi fell into step behind the pair as they headed towards his quarters. As they left, a few Servants started to complain, but the Assassin shot a slow look back over her shoulder with the light still in her eyes, and that was that.
"Thanks, Aki. You're a lifesaver," Ritsuka mumbled, leaning on Ryougi. Her brow furrowed in incomprehension.
"His older sister, I believe," Ushi said softly. She couldn't remember whether she'd learned it in a dream of his past or a conversation with him. There'd been a surprising number of both over the last few seasons. She knew him as well as she'd ever known her comrades in life.
Ryougi frowned in a way that looked pleased. "If you're mistaking me for your sister, you do need a break, Master."
"Huh?" Ritsuka blinked at her, then gave a weary smile that didn't even try to reach his eyes. "Sorry, Ryougi-san. You're probably right. It's a shame about that big mission tomorrow."
Watching him trudge wearily toward his quarters, Ushi felt a dull outrage that the world he was fighting for gave him so little back. But then, she'd known for centuries how the world ground down those who tried to hold it up, hadn't she? Ritsuka deserved better. He deserved to smile again, without the weary, fearful edge that it showed lately.
She'd had a fragment of a song stuck in her head for weeks, ever since she'd woken up far too close to him in that Babylonian orchard. If only one wish is granted, let me sleep by your side... She wanted to hear the rest of it, but asking him would be impossibly awkward, and who else would know what song she was talking about?
When Ushiwakamaru had first been summoned, what she'd wanted had seemed so clear: to prove that she was a true and worthy samurai; to aid humanity and the one who called her; and above all, to win the Grail's wish so she and her brother might be reconciled, somehow, someday.
She wasn't sure what her wish was, now.
"When you get back, we'll make sure Roman stays off your back for a while, so you can celebrate, or sleep, or whatever you want," Ryougi said, stopping Ritsuka in front of his quarters
"If," Ritsuka corrected, with an unhappy smile.
Ryougi didn't even bother shaking her head. "I meant what I said, Master. Until then…" She buzzed the door open and guided him through the doorway. "Get some sleep," she finished, with another gentle push towards his bed.
"I'll try," he mumbled, tugging off his uniform jacket and letting it drop. He sat down heavily on the bed. His eyes slipped shut for a second, then snapped back open with a jolt. "Oh, uh… Hey, Ushi… Can I talk with you for a minute?"
Ushi considered a quick escape, but steeled herself instead. "Of course, my lord," she replied, hiding her sudden nerves.
From behind, Ryougi put a hand on her shoulder. "I'll tell Hundred Personas to keep Serenity on a tighter leash than usual tonight. And I'll keep an eye on Kiyohime myself. Do I need to remind you that he needs sleep too?" she asked pointedly. Ushi shot a glare at her, reddening at the implication, but the faint shine lingering in the Assassin's eyes made her think twice about retorting. "Right, then. 'Night, Master." Ryougi gave a casual wave and strode off down the hall.
Ushi hesitated in the doorway. She had a good idea what this was about; her Babylonian counterpart's behavior filled her with outrage and chagrin. It was a harsh reflection on her and her state of mind, and she was not looking forward to this conversation… But would she be the sort of coward who hid from her lord's judgment? No, she would not. She stepped forward, letting the door hiss shut behind her.
With just the two of them in his room, Ritsuka relaxed, falling back onto the bed with his booted feet still on the floor. "I know you're tired, too," he said. "Sorry to keep you."
"No, no, not at all," she said, shaking her head. "What is it you wished to discuss?"
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay after that…" He stared at the ceiling, searching for words. "Mess? Debacle? I could see it was getting to you."
She hung her head. "If I knew where a hole was I would hide in it for shame, my lord."
"Shame?" Keeping his voice soft, he scoffed. "C'mon. That wasn't you, Ushi."
Ushi's jaw clenched. "I would never behave in such a manner! …That is what I want to say. But it is because of my good fortune, rather than my character. If she could let herself give in to her resentment like that…" She couldn't bring herself to complete the sentence, though she let the pause go on long enough that they'd both hear it. "I wish to be a true and honorable retainer to you, my lord, but I understand you must have concerns about me after that."
Ritsuka raised his head and looked up at her as if she'd grown another head. "…Nnnnno?"
"But I… She tried to…" She sputtered. "No? Truly?"
"You mean, am I worried you'll try to chop off my head too?" Slowly, Ushi nodded. Ritsuka shook his head as he sat up. "Honestly, that never crossed my mind."
She slowly straightened up. "It seemed to bother you a great deal when I… when she tried."
"It sure did," he said, a tremor hiding in his voice. He reached down to tug at one of his boots and went on in a firmer tone. "But I'm at least confident you're not going to turn on me unless someone dunks you in primordial evil for a week. I feel like that's a… what do you call it, an outlier scenario." He met her eyes and managed a smile with a hint of his usual cheer. "Even then, I'd bet on you."
She took in his smile and looked down, a strange mixture of relief and misery twisting in her gut. It was a novel experience to feel that her lord was less disappointed in her than she was. She could not dismiss her own failings so easily. He didn't seem to need the reassurance that she was still on his side, but she found herself trying to reassure him anyway. "I can scarcely imagine wanting you dead," she said quietly. "Watching myself try to…" Her nostrils flared in disgust and anger. "To murder you, again and again, it was… vile. Maddening. It was hard not to throw myself at her each time she appeared, even knowing it would not have helped."
The stubborn boot finally came free and thumped to the ground. "I just wish I'd been able to help her," Ritsuka said quietly. "Couldn't think of a way, though. At least Benkei came through for her."
Ushi frowned at the memory. "I suppose he did. It was," she said, begrudging every word, "well done." She was still processing Kaison's last-minute bravery. Maybe two centuries of living with regret could, in fact, change someone. She wasn't about to let go of her anger so easily, though.
"After all that, and all the other crap you've been through, I really hope you get what you're looking for out of following me." His brow furrowed. "A wish on a Grail's supposed to be part of the Servant summoning bargain, right? I don't know that I've ever asked you. What's your wish?"
Well, that cut uncomfortably close to what she'd been pondering before this conversation, didn't it? She glanced away, unsure whether her cheeks were reddening. "I… am no longer as certain as I once was, my lord. But these Grails we've found seem unlikely to grant any wish I would want fulfilled."
He nodded slowly. "That's fair. They're more like weapons of mass destruction." His other boot came off with another thump. Task accomplished, he slumped, elbows on knees at the edge of the bed, head in his hands.
Ushi watched him for any sign he was uncomfortable around her, any sign he wanted her to leave, and found none. Slowly, she was forced to conclude that, despite everything, he still trusted her.
"Why?"
"Huh?" He blinked as if coming back awake and glanced at her.
She hadn't actually meant that to be out loud. There was nothing else for it now, though. "Why do you still trust me after you saw what's inside me?" she asked, not daring to raise her voice above a whisper.
He gave a shrug as if the answer was simple. "It doesn't bother me to find out you're angry about what happened to you. You should be. I've been angry about it since I met you."
Oh.
She took a deep breath, found herself empty of words to say in response to such compassion, and just let it out again. He must have seen something of the shock and vulnerability she felt in her expression, because he smiled at her, just a little, before looking back down.
Neither of them spoke for a minute. Awkward, weary silences should not be so comfortable, but she found her exhaustion fading even as she stood there. She kept finding herself smiling involuntarily.
Without raising his head, Ritsuka asked, "Can I tell you something that might bother you?"
"Of course, my lord."
"I think we're going to lose."
That was not at all what she had expected.
"Tiamat was…" He shuddered. "Was not something… someone… anyone should have to set themselves against. Neither was the Lion King. Whatever we're up against tomorrow, it's going to be worse than that, and what the hell will that be like? I remember that… smile Solomon had, and the way he tore Anderson apart with just a wave of a hand. How can we fight that?"
A lack of confidence was not something Ushiwakamaru had ever been accused of, and she found it difficult to fully sympathize. Long odds did not intimidate her, especially when she was one of those on the front lines. "Believe in me, my lord, and your other Servants. You have dozens of the greatest heroes in history at your command! Solomon might be powerful, but if you set us to it, I think there's very little your Servants could not accomplish."
"Yeah, maybe." His voice dropped close to a whisper. "...What I'm really scared of is that all the power we have is enough, and that I'm going to fuck it up anyway." He swallowed visibly. "I'd almost rather say it's impossible than have it be my fault everyone dies."
"It will not be your fault that death comes." Once again, she was reminded how soft his upbringing had been, how kind his world and time. A world where parents' greatest fears for their children were that they might not excel, where wars were fought reluctantly and far away. "My lord, death is always how our story ends." She tilted her head and smiled, just a little, even if he didn't look to see it. "Some of us are fortunate enough to get an addendum, that's all."
His head came up at last. "That's different," he complained.
"If you say so, my lord," she said deferentially, which made him look mildly exasperated through his distress.
"It is! It's different because I'll be the one that failed them." He bit his lip. "I'm not up for this, Ushi! I'm not… enough. Whatever it is that's needed, I'm not it. Compared to you, or Mash, or really anyone here, I'm the weak link. Dr. Roman would be a better Master than I am. I barely hung on for Tiamat, I was so far over my head… If Gilgamesh hadn't been there calling the shots, we'd have died right there."
Ushi tsked. "Being outdone by the King of Heroes is scarcely a sign of being a failure. Besides, my lord, that's not what you're here for. Da Vinci and Roman can come up with the plans, and any number of us can wage the war. Your purpose is different."
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat on the rumpled bed. "I guess as long as nobody asks more than me being a paperclip -"
She interrupted him with an annoyed sound, refusing to put up with his self-effacing nonsense after everything he'd accomplished. If he was going to trust her after the travails of the past few days, then he would have to put up with her telling him to trust himself, again. "Whining does not become you, my lord."
"I thought you gave up telling me what a lord should do," he said, with more despondency than bite.
Ushi held back a frustrated reply. Calming herself, she took a knee before him to look him in the eye. "Do you know what the purpose of a lord is? Do you know why I would choose to serve one?"
Slowly, Ritsuka shook his head. "I don't know what you mean. I guess… honor?" He looked confused. That was all right. It was better than the despair that had leaked into his expression before.
"A lord's purpose is to take a world of devils and squabbling priests and warring armies and make it make sense. Not explain it - I don't believe anyone can do that - but to sort it out. To be the arrow of the compass for those who follow them. One solid, worthy thing to hold onto amid the chaos and tragedy, so that when all else fails, they can remember their purpose."
"I… I still don't understand."
"The tengu craft excellent weapons, the courtiers said. They called me a sword with no sheath, and wondered what I would do when there were no more wars to fight." Ushi drew her sword, armored against the memories by the way he leaned forward to hear her and not away from her bared sword, one more sign of trust. Usumidori gleamed as she turned it in her hands, the harsh fluorescent light bent to the soft glow of steel by the blade's finish. "They were foolish. A sword is a weapon for a person to wield. It has no agenda, no cause of its own. Gods or laws or moral codes, I never saw much worth fighting for in any of them. But I could fight for my brother against the world and be content, just as I can fight for you against this King of Mages."
"Why?" There seemed to be a lot of emotion packed into his one whispered word.
She waited to answer until he looked up from her blade, and held his eyes so that he could see the simple truth in hers when she spoke. "Because to fight for someone's sake is an offering. An act of devotion."
"Devotion, huh?" he said slowly, not looking away. The ghost of a smile crossed his face. "You sure your devotion isn't wasted on someone like me?"
Ushi nodded once. "There is no one I would rather fight for than you. I am proud to be in your service. I am proud of what we've done, and of what you are trying to accomplish. If we fail tomorrow, and the world fails with us, I will still be proud. I have no regrets, my lord."
The smile's ghost came back, looking almost alive this time. "...You really mean that, don't you?"
"It is not. I never wanted a sheath, my lord," she said simply. "I only ever wanted to be wielded by a hand I could trust."
"Trust," he said, and looked away, blinking. "So it… doesn't bother you if your lord isn't a great general or warrior?"
She laughed with genuine amusement as she slid Usumidori back into its sheath. "No, my lord. That's what vassals are for!"
That drew a chuckle out of him, weak as it was, and a little of the tension went out of his shoulders. She counted it a victory. "Okay. I just… Okay. Yeah. That… actually helps," he stammered, sounding uncertain and relieved. More steadily, he finished, "Thank you."
She gave a short, earnest bow, glad to see his spirits rising, and proud she'd been the one to help him. "You are welcome, my lord!"
He let out a chuckle and looked surprised that he'd made such a happy sound. After a second, his smile got wider. "Have I ever told you how grateful I am that you're here?" he asked, with the first note of genuine happiness she'd heard in his voice for days.
"Ah…" The smile slipped from her face. "No, my lord."
"Well, I am. You really are…" He bit his lip and stopped.
After a few seconds of waiting, she averted her eyes and fidgeted a little. "You…" She cleared her throat. "You don't have to -"
Ritsuka's cheeks flushed in embarrassment. "No! I do. I really do. And you deserve more than just the first thing that came to mind, it was… it wasn't what I meant to say. Just, uh… give me a second."
I can't say what I mean to say, a voice sung in her head. She pursed her lips, putting the song out of her mind - again - as she waited for him to collect his thoughts.
Even if she wanted to know what that first thought was, now...
Ritsuka looked down at the floor, around the room, anywhere but at her. When he finally spoke, his words came in fits and starts. "I don't… have a lot that I can believe in, right now. I'm supposed to be holding the world together, somehow, but everything I was certain of about the world is wrong. The line between life and death has holes you could toss a demon boar through. Violating linear time is a job requirement. The - the sky's literally falling!" he exclaimed, speaking faster and sharper. "In a day or two, there isn't going to be a tomorrow!"
Then he stopped and let out a breath, draining a little tension from his shoulders. "But you…" He met her eyes as he went on. "You remind me that even if I can't count on the world to make sense anymore, I can count on people, as long as they just... decide they can be counted on. I know you're on my side, because you said you'd be, and that's enough for you. Even if I can't count on there being a tomorrow, I can count on you."
Ushi felt her face go samurai-impassive, her only defense against what she was feeling.
"You've been there for me, whenever I needed you, since the moment we met. You swore you'd serve with all your heart, and you have. You make me want to live up to that service. I don't know if I can. But if I can manage that, then maybe the sky won't have to fall after all," Ritsuka said, his voice starting to sound rough. "I just -"
"My lord." Ushi cut him off. Her chest was so tight she could barely get the words out.
Ritsuka stammered for a second and gave her an abashed look. "Sorry. That must have sounded kind of… over the top."
Ushi stared silently back at him, thoughts spinning like a pinwheel in a storm. She'd always liked being praised, perhaps more than was good for her. But that wasn't praise. Praise was what people gave when you did something they wanted. Praise was the pat on the head for the hunting hound, the toast from courtiers who wanted a sharp edge to kill their enemies but considered the blade itself a burden.
"Ushi?"
What could you call it when someone asked nothing of you except what you'd do gladly anyway, and then said it was something they desperately hoped to deserve? Certainly not something as trite as praise.
"Ushi, uh, say something, please."
Abruptly, the tightness in her chest was gone. "My lord, I have changed my mind," she said, very seriously. "I have decided what my wish is."
"Uh… Good…?" Ritsuka didn't seem like he was following.
That was fine. Her lord had enough to deal with already, and he was going to need everything he had tomorrow. She would not be another complication for him so close to the end of the road.
Afterward, though, complications were something she was no longer going to shy away from.
"It doesn't matter right now." Ushi tilted her head and smiled at him, wondering if he could see the promise in it. Amusement crinkled the corners of her eyes. "When we return from this last expedition, perhaps I will tell you what it is." He would return from it. Both of them would. She would make sure of it.
Ritsuka smiled back, tentatively at first, then more firmly. "Okay. I'll hold you to that."
Neither of them spoke for a moment, just watching each other. There was a tension in the air, but a strangely comfortable one. An acknowledgment that whatever was between them was unfinished, without the need to hurry it - not even for the end of the world.
Ushi broke the silence as she leaned forward, holding his eyes. "My lord, tomorrow, we shall save this world from the King of Mages, once and for all." She tapped his forehead with a fingertip and gently pushed. "But tonight, you should stop and sleep. You're only human, after all."
Chuckling softly, Ritsuka didn't resist, falling back onto his bed. "Okay." He kept smiling at her as he closed his eyes. "Good night, Ushi. I'll see you in the morning."
"Good night, my lord."
She had turned for the door when she heard him quietly say, "Ushi…"
She paused. "My lord?"
"Stay?" he asked, even more quietly.
Not quite sure she'd heard right, she didn't move for a heartbeat, five, ten. Then, feeling a strange mix of awkwardness and daring, she sat next to him at the head of the bed.
"Thanks." Without opening his eyes, Ritsuka shifted sideways and leaned against her side, head on her shoulder. Ushi bit her lip. Before she could fully take in her situation, his breathing became more regular. After a few seconds, he began to gently snore.
It briefly crossed her mind that she was in a position a number of other Servants would literally kill to be in, or in some cases, kill her for being in. Well, they could try, as long as they didn't wake Ritsuka. He'd finally relaxed, and she wasn't going to put up with anything bothering him until morning. Especially not since that would mean he'd stop leaning against me, she thought.
He'd been worried he'd bothered her when he said that someone worthy of her service could save the world. Bothered her, when until that moment she hadn't recognized how desperately she'd wanted someone to believe in her like that. To have faith not in her strength, but in her integrity. To say not that she was useful, but that she was worthy.
She felt her eyes sting and her throat tighten. Something old and gnarled in her was loosening, like a badly-healed scar that was suddenly stretched in just the right way. It hurt, and she wasn't sure what might come loose with it. She couldn't escape the wounds of a lifetime; they were with her no matter what age she'd been conjured at.
It felt so goodto have it loosen, though, even just a little.
Ushi shut her eyes, squeezing out tears. Unbecoming, her brother would have said; Kiichi would've laughed and called them unnecessary. She supposed they were both right, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Sitting back in the bed, feeling the rise and fall of Ritsuka's breathing, she smiled in pure vindication and settled herself to wait for dawn.
Author's Note:
This chapter changed a lot since the first draft, which involved Mash basically tossing them into a room together and saying 'you two can come out when you're done moping and avoiding each other' and ended with Ushi basically fleeing the room, which in retrospect was a really OOC place to start. It could probably use another pass to hone it, but eh, I've wrestled with this section enough.
One of these days I'll get around to reading Kara no Kyoukai. Until then, I still really like Ryougi Shiki's scary-awesome deal. (I don't know what it is about Ushi hanging around with older-sister Assassins, seriously.)
The theme for this chapter is 'Into The Storm', by BANNERS.
When you're 'round the bend
Close your eyes and count to ten
I'd walk through hell and back again
Anywhere you go
If your sky is falling down
I'll be right beside you now