It wasn't long enough.

That's the thought that came barreling to the forefront of his mind when Shepard had decided to pull away. Their foreheads having rested for so long against each other that Garrus had found himself relaxing. His shoulders had seemed to unknot themselves, his back deflate, his pinched mandibles laid loose against his jaw. There was a peace to this, he noted, having her in his arms.

All too greatly, he felt regret. Regret they weren't in her cabin, regret that they weren't shielded away from the rest of the ship. Regret that (even though he doubted she would mention it) EDI had been present in this room too. Regret. Regret.

How could he regret it though? He had been so worried. He had felt it for months. The unknowing. Sure, the Reapers had been a threat – he knew they were – but until they were right there in front of him, he hadn't known. He hadn't known the terror that it was to see them. To see them hover over his home planet. To know that with one great step, or one swipe of angry red, someone he knew was gone. He had known of the threat, but not of the fear.

Garrus has known fear before. Most people have. He could describe it with gruff words and memories of chains and cracked hulls and snowy planets, but the fear that the Reapers brought with them had no true description.

It went so deep into his very plates that he knew he was changed. On a cellular level. They all were. No one would ever be the same after this. Perhaps the dead were the lucky ones. He thought of Monteague and Krul and Butler and frowned so hard at the thought of Nalah that he felt himself grow cold. Was she okay? Did she know? He had been working closely with T'Loak, sure, but did Omega know?

Shepard's voice interrupted his inner spiral. Though he didn't quite catch what she said, her husky voice tickled his brain to coming back to the present. A present that was full of death, war, Reapers, uncertainty.

"…advisor on Reapers, now?"

She was toying with him, if the little smirk on her lips was anything to go by, he brought one shoulder upward in a half shrug, "Its not as impressive as it sounds," he grunted a bit bitterly – too harshly really for the playful air she was trying to create. "I ruffled some feathers," he mumbled, then finally managed to fully come back to the situation at hand. Garrus watched her shoulder on her hoodie, "…they gave me a token title along with a token task force - so I'd shut up."

Her smirk shifted into a small smile, her head tilting to the side as she looked upward towards him. Garrus' gaze settled on her hand as she zipped up her hoodie halfway, "How'd you manage that?"

"Just followed your example, Shepard," he grinned as he bent to retrieve his own armor, "Just yell loud enough," he stood and shifted his lower armor upwards, the hinge back over his hips. Shepard brought him his upper piece and they locked eyes, "and someone will eventually come over and wonder what all the fuss is about." He took it from her and brought it round to clasp. Shepard helped him with the latched, "Not that they'll actually do anything about it."

She shook her head and crossed her arms, "Until hell shows up at their door," Shepard's smile slipped, humor slipping to bitter truth, "Then they put you in charge."

Garrus studied her features for a moment, and he realized it was the first time since they had reunited back on Menae that he was actually seeing her. The dark circles under her eyes, the bruises along her jaw. She looked tired. "It's not like the old days," he sighed, "Rogue spectres, just C-sec agents running and gunning," he tore his gaze away from her and shifted his body out of the small space between the cannon and wall adjusting his bottom piece of armor back in line with the upper half, "We're actually respectable now."

She scoffed at that, "Yeah."

Shepard followed him to the platform where his workbench sat to the right of the main door, the Thanix HUD was placed directly in front of it, long enough for two people to stand, but it was the screens to the far side of the platform that drew her attention. "I have a feeling that respect comes with a lot of sleepless nights."

He watched her eye the monitors for a moment, leaning against the HUD desk and crossing his arms, "Have many of those?"

"Monitors?" she asked over her shoulder, as she slid her fingers over the scroll to go to the next report. It looked like the tally of losses on Parthia, another Turian world hit.

"Sleepless nights," he corrected her.

Shepard sighed and turned to face him, leaning back against the computer desk, "It's been a good while since I have had a good night sleep."

He hummed in understanding, "Since Bahak?

She crossed her arms and shook her head, "No, since…"

Her chin dropped slightly as her words failed her. Garrus waited. He had learned from their days spent in the Mako that Shepard would speak when Shepard wanted to speak. Often, she would say one or two things but never fully explaining or going into detail. It was how she was wired. Sometimes he envied her, other times it was maddening.

He offered his own thoughts, "I had a hell of a time sleeping on Palaven."

"Yeah?"

"It felt wrong somehow, being there. All the silver hurt my eyes."

"I have never been," she admitted almost guiltily. He never would have figured she had been to his homeworld. Most humans avoid it due to the need for enviro-suits, "I want to go with you."

"After all this?"

"Yes," she nodded, "But why would it be hard to sleep?"

"Being back in the family home, there was tension for a while."

"You said your dad and sister are still there? How long has it been since you've heard from them?"

"Long enough for me to be worried," he sighed, reaching up to rub the back of his neck, "It was more than that – my mother's gone, has been gone since…but it felt so hollow there. Add that to the fact that I come home after years of being gone just to tell them that the Reapers were coming – it was…"

"You told your dad?"

He nodded, "I went straight to him. I didn't think he would want to see me, much less hear what I had to say. But I did. I told him everything, brought him everything," his foretalon tapped his visor, "And he just sat there and listened. Its what he did in his C-Sec days. He sat and listened and would put all the pieces together. Seems like after what I had to say, he came up with the only logical conclusion there was." He smiled softly to himself, "That the Reapers were real, and they were coming."

"Really?" She asked shocked, "I was there, and even I think I would have a hard time believing that story. Its…well its quite a story."

Garrus nodded, "Yeah, but he did, and he took it to the Primarch."

"Just like that?"

"It's Dad," he would say as if that explained everything to her. "Solona wasn't happy about any of it at first. She is a skeptic, hard pressed in disliking you – "

"Me?"

"Wouldn't you dislike someone who stole someone away from you? Took me with you through the Omega-4…"

"You chose to come with me!" Her eyes hardened as they shifted from wide curiosity to a defensive glare.

He chuckled, "I know that Shepard, she …well after mom's passing and then what nearly happened on Omega, she's been worried."

"Not my fault you decided to go all Space-Batman…"

"Space…Ba…what?"

"Nothing," she pouted, and he grinned as her arms crossed tighter. "Just…why does she blame me?"

He sighed, "Because – well because I'd follow you anywhere Shepard and that grates on the Turian brood."

She frowned, "I don't understand."

"I told you – not a very good Turian. I'd follow you through hell," he thought back to the conversation they shared just after his recovery from Omega. The way she had looked at him then was something he never would forget. He truly would do anything she asked. "…I left Menae with you without a second thought."

Shepard frowned, "Did you want to stay on Menae?"

"I…" his good mandible shifted outward, "It is hard to see Palaven like that and leave it behind," he admitted, "I am sure you understand, with Earth," Garrus gave her a knowing glance before he continued, "You said it yourself out there on the moon, Shepard, without Victus up here there's a good change we lose everything. Without me here…without you…" He swallowed the swell of panic he knew was attached to losing her. Losing people had become something common now – how distasteful that thought. "The fight isn't going to be on the ground. It's here…"

And he didn't know if he was talking about the galaxy as a whole or going planet to planet and finding the resources needed or if he was talking about the Normandy herself. Perhaps he could admit, if only to himself, that was exactly how he felt. It's exactly how so many of his own kind thought. This vessel was something of a signal of hope. He focused on Shepard for a moment and realized that this very thinking was dangerous.

Not because it was wrong – but because it was right.

Shepard and the Normandy.

And though he will never ever say it – because he knew the cost of doing so – the cost of the galaxy being put on tiny shoulders…

It was Shepard who would win this for them.

Sure, he knew that getting everyone to work together was the way for their time in existence to continue, but Shepard was going to be the one to make that happen. Fuck. Even thinking it wasn't fair. He knew all too well how the choices she had to make slowly were cracking at her strength.

And she was strong.

Stronger than he ever would be.

"…getting the Krogan on board to help." He finished, though he had wanted to say something else entirely. It wasn't the right moment. It was too early on, too soon.

Shepard groaned aloud at that, "Seriously, the Krogan – you know that the Asari Counsellor already refused coming to the Summit. She thinks the blood is too tainted for the Krogan to agree to helping."

Garrus decided now was also not the time to admit he may agree with that. Instead, he asked, "What does Victus think?"

"The same thing, actually," she frowned and ran a hand through her hair, "He doesn't have high hopes, but what else is there to do? He's right, we need them."

"At least its Wrex that's coming."

"You think that's a good thing?" her green eyes glittered at the thought, "You think he won't make it…"

He held up a hand to quiet her, "No, he…he will. He will have his own motives; he's always been smart. He's also well into his years, Shepard, he'll know the importance of his clans help. The galaxy really does depend on the Krogans – the problem is, he knows that we need them desperately and he won't allow another Rachni War to happen."

"So, you think he's coming with a big demand? Like what?"

He shrugged, "I don't know, Shep, worlds? Maybe? Tuchanka is a pile of rubbish – he may want better worlds, and not unoccupied ones." He looked at her heavily, "He may want the Nasurn."

"The Salarian colony?"

"That entire sector – its new space, newly developing, but that system has ten viable planets."

"…they…. they won't agree with that." She said so softly he wondered if he had even heard it. "The Salarians hate the Krogan, fuck, Garrus – I don't know if I can do this."

He frowned at that, "You literally made peace with a Rachni Queen, Shepard – I think you can handle a few lizards and toads."

"Stop," she glared hard, "I don't let people call you a bird, have some class."

"Jack calls me Big Bird…"

She laughed then, loud and sudden and it took both of them by surprise, "Yeah, well Jack is Jack – be glad that's the only thing she calls you."

He grinned, "True, sorry," he would say, meaning it a little more than he would have just a moment ago. A memory of a large Krogan in red armor looking sadly at an empty weapon armory fluttered in and out, "Have you heard from her?"

Shepard shook her head, "No, I haven't heard from anyone."

Anyone. Anyone. So many of them out there. Solus, Kasumi, Miranda, Thane.

"Not even Thane?"

They both wanted her answer to be something else entirely, but the 'no' was expected none-the-less. "No, but I saw Kaidan."

"Did you?" He pushed himself off the HUD and stepped towards her, curiosity inching its way through him. Kaidan? "Where?"

"Back on Earth," she looked up at him, "He was on the Normandy when we went and picked up Liara."

"I noticed she has quite the set up," Garrus nodded, "Where is Kaidan now?"

"He got hurt, he's at Huerta."

"What do you mean he got hurt? Shepard, what happened?"

"Cerberus," she frowned and crosses her arms protectively again, "They were on Mars looking for what we were looking for. We came across one of his agents, some robot disguised as a doctor, it all happened so fast, Garrus. One minute we are finding the artefact, the next moment the Illusive Man is there and then she had it!" She walked around him, hands flying out as she spoke, "It was a mad dash, the three of us taking off after her, she nearly got away too if James hadn't gone nutters and hit their shuttle with our own! And it was on fire, we didn't realize she was a machine, so we let our guard down." She stopped pacing and he watched as her hand slipped shakily through her hair, "They say his neck was fractured and his skull at the base was shattered. I don't understand how he is still alive, but they are fixing him."

"Jane," he reached for her, and she immediately came to settling into his arms. "He is tough, he'll pull through."

"Garrus, you didn't see him. He was so bruised. Humans, we aren't like Turians, we can't take a rocket to the face and live," she frowned and tucked her face downward, "The doctors say we just need time and prayer. Who…who am I supposed to pray to? God?" She laughed bitterly, "Ashley talked about faith and the only thing I have faith in is death. I know it's real, people like to act like it's not. Like it some untouchable concept. They think its so far off, that it can't touch them, but look at us." Shepard looked up to him, "Millions are dying, millions, death tolls so high we will never ever know every name of those we are losing and still – still I'm crying and worrying over just one person. He could die. The possibility is so damned high," she frowned, "I keep thinking if I have faith in him, he'll pull through. But then I feel so guilty about that because, fuck, Garrus – pull through to what? Just dying later?"

"Hey," he shook her a little, "Kaidan is a fighter, Shep, he will fight and if he dies, then he would want to do so fighting. If its now or later, leading a bunch of alliance ops or standing next to you, Kaidan will do it the only way that's right for him."

"You didn't hear him," she shook her head, "He kept questioning me about Cerberus being there. Like I had something to do with it. Like I would know why they were there or how they got there."

He frowned, "Alliance through and through."

She scoffed, "He should know me better than that."

"He did," he offered, "At one time."

"Seriously?" She stepped back and shouldered his arm away from her, "He compared me to them! The husks! The abominations that Cerberus created. Which, by the way, so messed up. The Illusive Man has his agents half husked out. Their eyes are glowing, they look – I don't know, just, they aren't human anymore and he…he compared me to them," the hurt in her voice was almost palpable, but Garrus couldn't bring himself to completely unsee Kaidan's side.

He sighed, "I am not saying he was right on that front, it's clear that you are not half husk, but Shepard, you were working with Cerberus, we all were, you know what that organization is. You defected from them the first moment you had choice to do so because of it."

"Kaidan should know better," she shook her head, "I shouldn't have to keep defending myself. Its Horizon all over again."

"No," he shook his head, "No Kaidan is logical, he understands what we are up against, but he is also a man, Jane. You…one that was and probably is still very much in love with you."

She scoffed, "Right way of showing it."

Garrus frowned, "You were dead, Shep."

"So?"

"You were dead for two fucking years, Shepard, that…" his mouth pressed shut hard and he felt angry all of a sudden. He didn't know why he was angry. The conversation at hand? The fact that she didn't react to Kaidan being in love with her? The fact that she didn't seem to understand that her dying was something monumentally devastating to the people who fucking lost her? And why the hell was he defending Kaidan? More importantly: why was this conversation happening again? This was not the first time he had had to explain these things to Shepard. Why was she being so thick? "Kaidan lost you just like I did, Shep, the difference? You were actually an item. He mourned the love of his life for two years. For two years you were gone. Then you show up working for the people that funded the torture when he was young? You not only were a ghost, but a damned demon at that point."

"What the hell, Garrus, why are you defending him?" she asked angrily, "You're supposed to be on my side."

The anger radiated outward in a growl, "I am on your side!"

"Then fucking act like it!" He blinked and stood straighter, his hands falling to his sides as she rounded on him and pointed, "Kaidan can get over it. I didn't choose to die! I just died. I didn't ask to come back, they brought me back! And then I was practically thrown against the Collectors because my entire species refused to believe that the Reapers were real! Even Kaidan had stopped fighting to get that truth out there! He gave up!"

"He didn't give up, Shepard, he just kept living."

"No, he gave up, so did you!"

"What?"

"Everyone did! Liara! You! Kaidan! Wrex! Everyone that knew what was going on just stopped fucking caring about it once I died. You just dropped the ball and went off doing whatever the fuck you all decided was more important!" She snarled, "Nothing was done. No one fought for what I fucking died for!"

"What would you have us do?" He asked suddenly, "Tell your command center? Show them the actual Reaper that we fought at the Citadel? Show them the evidence in our findings? We did that! They swept it under the rug and put your fucking coffin on top! There was nothing we could do. We tried. Kaidan damn near got Court Marshalled because he fought so hard for it. Same with the Doc and Joker? Joker nearly drank himself to death – you think we didn't try?"

"Not hard enough!" She pointed at the monitors, "Millions, billions are dying because of the inaction!"

"Don't," he warned with more subvocals than words, "Don't you dare, Shepard, whatever this tantrum is, don't you dare put this on us. There was nothing to be done and you know it."

"You gave up, Garrus, you and Kaidan and Joker …"

"I think that is enough," a voice cut in. Garrus blinked, his awareness coming back to himself as the room came back into focus. He had been so intent on Shepard he hadn't realized he was standing at full height or the fact that she was glowing blue. He settled back down and looked at the door where Chakwas was standing there. She took a step into the room so the door could close behind her. The doctor was looking only at Shepard, "I think it best if you get some sleep, Commander, lest you say something further you will regret."

"I regret nothing," Shepard snarled and glared harshly at the doctor.

"Be that as it may, screaming at the top of your lungs is no way to act as the Commanding officer of this ship," she glared right back, "I have full confidence that you are going to remember how to act accordingly to the statuettes of that title and refrain for further harking on our resident Turian comrade."

Garrus was taken back slightly by the way she referred to him, the verbiage too strict, too formal for his liking, he looked towards Shepard and watched as her shoulders sagged and her eyes filled with tears, and he found horror replacing the anger he had just been feeling. He had watched her cry too many times and each time it broke his own heart.

"I don't want to be the Commanding officer," she whispered to the Doctor and Garrus almost keened at the despair in her words. Her small form seemed to shrink and though he instinctively wanted to pull her protectively against him, he stilled when Chakwas stepped closer to Shepard.

"It is not fair, we know this," the doctor would say, "However, you are the one most capable. If it were stitching up a wound, I would gladly take the helm, but it's a bit more than that."

Shepard shook her head, "How am I supposed to do this?"

"One decision at a time," the doctor offered.

"The last one I made killed 300,000 Batarians," Shepard sighed, "The next…"

"This is not an easy thing, it's the end of our galaxy, decisions will be made that have to be made and it is going to either be you or someone else doing them. Each world, each species is helming this war – you are just the one to make sure they are all doing so together."

Garrus felt as though, perhaps, he shouldn't be here. This moment seemed too intimate. Too human. He looked at the door longingly, before turning his attention back to the two women. There was no way out now.

"Karin," Shepard sighed, "Kaidan could die, and it was because of me."

"No," Chakwas shook her head, "Kaidan was attacked by a Cerberus operative, and he is recovering quite nicely under the watchful eye of Doctor Michel. He woke up briefly a few hours ago and asked about Liara and you. They had to put him back under to get much needed rest."

"He asked about me?"

"Of course he did," Karin reached out and took Shepard's hand. "You have to remember, Shepard, that you were gone. You remember dying and you remember waking up and to you – the time lapse is nothing but a long sleep. A few days maybe? The rest of us that time stretched for two full years. Two. You have no right to judge us for how we had to live our lives in that time, and I would appreciate it if you gave us the grace we bloody well deserve." For the first time she looked at Garrus and Shepard followed her gaze to look at him as well.

Garrus swallowed, his good mandible slapping uncomfortable against his jaw at the attention. Did they expect him to say something? He felt exhausted again. Too worked up by the roller coaster of emotions that he had just felt. Anger and relief and worry and indignation all mixed with compassionate understanding, and he fucking hated it. He wanted to punch something. He needed to spar. He rolled his shoulder and then shrugged it to deflect anything he was supposed to say or whatever they were expecting.

"It keeps coming up," Shepard sighed, "My death and the time lapse and I keep being an ass about it."

"Yes," Garrus and Chakwas said in unison and the three of them shared a grin.

"It just hurts to think that someone," she looked at Garrus and he recognized the battle in her own eyes. She was feeling guilt. How had he not understood that before? He had felt the same way when he had held her for the first time just months after losing Monteague. It had felt too soon to feel that way with someone else and here she was – she had lost Kaidan too. He felt like he had been punched with the realization. "I love him…loved him," Shepard stuttered over the correction as she looked at Chakwas, "I would never assume the worst of him and if he were in my shoes? I just can't seem to feel anything but heartbroken that he has doubt."

"There is no right way to feel in this, most people do not come back from the dead, Shepard," she released her hand and clasped her's behind her back.

"Shepard," Garrus frowned deeply, "None of this is fair," he shook his head, "I mean none of it. We have talked about this all before and its okay to doubt things. I suppose a lot of us forget about how little time we have had to come to grips with all of this. It's only been a little less than a year since you came back and," he shook his head, "…just under four since we started the hunt for Saren. In any time frame that is not a lot of time. I think we can forgive the fact that we don't know what the hell we are doing. That all of this is too sudden and not sudden enough. It doesn't have to make sense, but it is happening and…" he walked to her, "And its going to go whichever way it is going to go."

"Sounds familiar," she looked up at him, uncertainty in her eyes.

"A bit of wisdom from the old Mako, Shep," he brushed a knuckle over her cheek collecting the only tear that had escaped, "I promise you though, you aren't alone. We didn't abandon you and we all are fighting with you."

She sighed and her eyes closed, "I didn't mean any of that," she rushed to say, "Honestly, I just, I really didn't."

"Its okay," he assured her, "It's been a bit stressful the last couple of weeks."

The three of them all chuckled, "A bit, sure." Shepard reached out and grabbed the lip of his armor, "I am glad you are here. I…"

"Stop," his hand curled around her wrist, "Its okay."

And he didn't really know what he was saying that about. Her outburst? Her accusations? Her pain? Her unresolved feelings for Kaidan? Her love for him? Her blame game? Her uncertainty if she was going to be enough? What right did he have to judge any of that? He didn't. She was just as much as a person as he and she had the right to feel what she had to feel. What ever it was.

It was in that moment, he decided he would back off. He would give her the grace that Chakwas has implored Shepard to give the rest of them. He would be there, but he would not pressure anything. He would not do this.

Garrus smiled down at her, "Let's just get through this Summitt first. What was it you said, Doc? One decision at a time?"

Shepard smiled softly and the two of them released each other as she turned towards the Doctor, Shepard stepped closer to the doctor and said, "Maybe a little cat nap wouldn't hurt?"

"Too right," Chakwas stepped aside and motioned for Shepard to lead the way out of the door.

"What's a cat?" Garrus asked the two retreating females, their laughter the only answer as the door shut behind them. He frowned and glanced at Monteague who stood just to the right of the door, the monitor's reflecting in his onyx eyes. He knew why he was there. He was telling him the same thing he already knew.

Shepard needed to mourn.

Whether it be for Kaidan of for him or for the life she had lost – was left undetermined.

"I know," he told Monteague as he turned away from the blue glow and walked back towards the red hue of the cannon, "I already know."