A.N. I'm hoping to expand this into several chapters, all being different occasions of Vinnie's POV while on the bridge. Let's see how well that goes!
I know I'm crying. I know I'm crying because the tears have fucking frozen halfway down my face in this bastard cold. So now not only is my head doing an absolute number on me, my cheeks hurt and my eyes are stinging. Fucking fantastic.
As much as I wanna be on my own right now, that's why I've come here, the fact that there's no arms around me pulling me back or even just warming me up is horrible. I can't bloody stand people being around all the time like they were before, that's why I slipped out. But none of them have followed me here, no one's here to sit beside me and fuck me, do I feel lonely. Always so fucking lonely. It's always something when they want me around, never "Oh hello Vinnie, just fancied having a laugh with ya" - but then again if it was, I'd tell them to piss off.
I cant help but feel like my clock is ticking. My time is running out. I don't know what of, what it's going towards, but it feels like a countdown. It's awful, the bloody anxiety build up, I wanna be sick all the time. It's like in The Wizard of Oz, when the witch turns the egg timer over. I'm Dorothy, trapped in that room on my own watching the sand spilling away and knowing it leads to my doom, and someone's watching from a crystal ball waiting to make it all happen. And if my time does run out what does that mean? I'm not ready for it but what would I be doing otherwise? I might have plans but none of them worthwhile. I don't see me pulling off a heist having some great impact on the world, y'know what I mean?
One day it's all gunna come crashing down. I've been cheating my way through long enough. There I'll be with the lads, thinking "yeah we've smashed another one". And then someone's gunna clock on, we'll get caught, and face the consequences. I might do alright in prison like, better than the others anyway. It might sort out the balance for me between solitary time and loneliness. They'd all be ruined in their own ways. For me, it would be after that I'd be screwed. Everyone watching all the time, making sure I don't do anything else naughty, when I'm not capable of being a good boy either. I can't sit in an office or even get that job at Morrisons on the fucking fish counter. No, a better life isn't out there for me, so when I'm let out into the wild world again it'd be an execution.
I just want the happy moments forever. The bits where my stupid brain goes to sleep for a minute and I can actually enjoy it. But there's lots of moments that should be like that, and my broken mind doesn't let it happen. I just wish I could put the darkness in its own little room, lock the door and only look in there when I really wanted to.
But I can't, can I? I am the room. The door is locked and keeps me away from everything real. Except the tears, they are still fucking frozen to my face. For fucks sake.
A.N. Hope you enjoyed!