The atmosphere in the mausoleum has always been tense, since their arrival. But at that moment even Jesper, the most bold of them all, the one who tried to lighten the mood and keep it high, was reduced to a bundle of nerves. It was a strange sight seeing him with his father; usually cocky and with an answer always ready, in front of his parent he couldn't find the words to explain himself, he kept promising him that he would solve everything, that he just needed time. Wylan chewed his thumb anxiously. That situation reminded him of too many arguments he had with his father. Jesper's pleading voice was the specter of all the prayers he had heard himself pronounce to the stern and disgusted gaze of his own father every time he begged him to understand him, to accept that he could never give him what he asked so insistently.
Colm, however, was not Jan Van Eck. They had narrowly escaped the shooting at Boeksplein and immediately after they had a scary confrontation with Professor Levi, who was apparently a powerful Fabrikator and furious with Wylan. As soon as they'd arrived at the Black Veil, Colm had held Jesper even tighter than when they'd met that morning, and Wylan managed to hear him whisper, "Thank the saints, you're okay." As if they weren't the cause of the enormous danger in which the farmer had just risked his life, he didn't care what the problem was; if his son was safe, everything would have been okay.
"What took you so long? Were you followed?" Kaz asked, leaning on his cane with a tired expression.
"No," Jesper replied confidently.
"Wylan?" Kaz looked for confirmation.
Colm got nervous and retorted. "You doubt my son's word?"
"It isn't personal, Da. He doubts anyone's word."
"Apologies, Mister Fahey. A habit one develops in the Barrel. Trust but verify" Kaz remained impassive at Colm's disappointment, then repeated, "Wylan?"
"They didn't know about the secret passage, they didn't follow us." He stopped for a second to gather air in his lungs before adding: "But someone was actually waiting for us in the printing house. Reeta Levi, she is a chemistry professor at the university. She recognized me."
"Were you held back by a teacher?"
"She is a Grisha."
Colm flinched, but Wylan continued to tell what had happened at the print shop. He had already noticed the farmer's reaction, when father and son began discussing bank demands, debts and the possibility of losing the farm, he was surprised to realize that neither of them could even say the word "grisha" out loud. As soon as the topic had come up Colm had become cautious, as if he were checking that someone wasn't there ready to point a gun at his son for even daring to say that term. Wylan's gaze fell on Nina's furrowed eyebrows and he thought that he wasn't the only one who had sensed the fear they both had.
Obviously they couldn't tell Colm the whole truth, so they had invented some lies that could support, even if barely, the story they were telling him: some poor students who were scammed, in debt, who had lost everything, and whose only way to get by out of this trouble was to rely on a Barrel's criminal like Kaz.
"We will find another way to repay the debt. Or we'll start all over again somewhere else." It wasn't hard to imagine why Colm didn't want to accept, Kaz had said so too, he had an honest face and it was clear that he was an honest man. An honest man who only wanted his son to be well. Wylan quickly pushed away the thoughts of his own father, of how he wished to be loved even half as much as Colm loved Jesper. He couldn't help but feel envious on the one hand, but at the same time happy that Jesper had a father who truly loved him. No one deserved a father like Jan Van Eck and for a moment he shuddered at the thought of Alys with her big belly, the promise of a son who would prove worthy this time. And if even the new child couldn't prove to be enough for Jan, would he too one day end up locked in a tomb planning to escape from their murderous father?
"You're not giving up the farm." Jesper was restless. "She's there. We can't leave her."
"Jes…"
"Please, Da. Please let me make things right. I know… I know I let you down. Just give me one more chance" Wylan's heart sank when he heard Jesper's voice so faint, it no longer seemed like him.
And evidently Kaz's persuasion and his son's desperation had also made an impression on Colm, who in the end agreed to follow the directives of the devil himself and stay in the Geldrenner hotel while waiting for news from that gang of youngsters who would surely looked too young to him to be able to stand up against a city like Ketterdam.
The plan had gone exactly as Kaz planned; Van Eck had thought he had them in his hands, with Inej still his prisoner, but their small group managed to trick the merchant and pay him back with his own coin. But what even Dirthands couldn't predict was that Alys would be the most annoying hostage in all of Ketterdam and its surroundings. Nina was impatient with the woman's complaints, Matthias seemed to linger more and more towards the idea of murder and Kaz was definitely ready to put into action all the violent fantasies the druskelle was having. They needed a break from the constant unbearable noise that was Jan Van Eck's wife, but they couldn't leave her alone in the grave, so only Jesper, Wylan, and Kaz stepped out into the cool, damp air of the night at the Black Veil. Yet, they didn't relax. As soon as they were free from the annoyance, the frustration was so great that the discussion immediately heated up.
"She's just a frightened pregnant girl, if only we could remove the blindfold, maybe she could calm down" Wylan attempted to suggest, moved to pity by the fear that his stepmother must have had at that moment.
"We can't risk her leading Van Eck back here," was Kaz's cold, calculating response.
"Kaz, promise me you won't-"
"Before you finish that sentence, I want you to think about what a promise from me costs and what you're willing to pay for it."
"It's not her fault her parents shoved her into a marriage with my father. Inej wouldn't want… Wylan tried again, but Kaz interrupted him again, this time his sharp look was enough to make him bite his tongue. His gloved hands gripped the cane threateningly and the merchling felt a lump in his throat exactly where it had already been tightened by Kaz's firm grip.
"Go on. Tell me my business again" he challenged him with a voice possibly even lower and more vibrant than usual which made Wylan take a step back in fear.
"Kaz, stop." Jesper had placed a hand on Kaz's forearm, ready to immobilize him if necessary.
"Next time you have suggestions, "And I'll cut the tongue from your head and feed it to the first stray cat I find. It might not be so easy to play your beloved flute anymore" he finally said with a snake hiss and then he shook off the hand that Jesper had firmly planted on his arm and disappeared into the tomb.
"Best not to mention Inej's name if you feel like continuing living" Jesper ran a hand through Wylan's hair to ruffle it a little, then let it slide to the back of his neck where he rested.
"But isn't this all about her?" Wylan asked, ignoring the shiver Jesper's fingers had caused on his neck.
"No, it's all about the big plan, remember?" Jesper laughed sarcastically and Wylan's mouth curved into a weak smile. He was not ready to go inside, but it was time to go back since he was probably the only one on that island capable of tolerating that woman. Or at least that's what he thought, but apparently Matthias had managed to calm her down by ignoring Nina's disappointment at the loss of her supply of chocolate biscuits; Alys sat stiffly in her chair but her expression was more peaceful as she nibbled on the sweets with gusto.
"So," Jesper dramatically grabbed a chair and swung it around on his legs and sat astride it, "tell us about your stepson."
Alys turned to him, despite her blindfold covering her eyes, she searched for the source of the voice. "Why? Are you going to kidnap him too?" she asked suspiciously.
"I doubt it. I hear he's twelve kinds of trouble to keep around" Jesper showed off a dazzling smile and Nina held back a giggle.
"I heard he is talented and misunderstood" Wylan would not have given up on arguing, if Jesper wanted to play, that game could be played by two.
"I can understand him perfectly well. He doesn't mumble or anything. In fact, he sounds a bit like you. And yes, he's very talented. He's studying music in Belendt." Alys' response took him by surprise, he didn't expect to be defended by his stepmother. Not that she had ever been cruel towards him, but they had never had a friendly relationship, there had always been a certain distance between them. There was a kind of invisible wall that Jan Van Eck had built around everyone around his son, to avoid feeling embarrassed by his defective offspring.
"But what is he like? Any secret fears he confided? Bad habits? Ill-conceived infatuations?" Jesper had no intention of giving up.
"You've known me longer than her, why are you asking her all these questions?" Wylan whispered to him, completely red in the face.
"Well, I haven't seen you for 10 years, I want to know how you've changed" Jesper shrugged.
"I don't know of any infatuation. But once he played me a song that he wrote for a boy." As soon as Alys spoke, Wylan hid his face in his hands. Her cheeks were totally red and hot as Nina poked him with a finger, giggling at his embarrassment, pretending not to listen to Matthias telling her to leave him alone.
"Really?" Jesper continued, now sitting upright and clearly interested in the information he was getting from Alys.
"Yes, it was very beautiful. But I no longer remember the title, yet Wylan asked me to write it on the score myself because he says I have beautiful handwriting. Maybe it was James? No, maybe Joshua…"
Wylan quickly took one of the chocolate biscuits from Nina's hands and put one in her mouth before she could continue to humiliate him in front of everyone. "Here, have another cookie."
"She's had three!" Nina protested.
"I miss having Wylan at home, he was always nice to my birds. I miss my birds. And Rufus. I want to go hoooooome." By now Alys was whimpering again and Wylan breathed a sigh of relief at having avoided the worst.
Nina had cursed in a low voice saying that it had been useless to waste her precious biscuits, but from then on Matthias had taken the reins of the situation. Wylan was surprised to see the Fjerdian soldier ready to massage Alys's swollen feet and Jesper seemed equally astonished when he was asked to get the supplies for some cool compresses. Matthias had always been a serious and impassive man, the only times Wylan had seen him betray a minimum of humanity was with Nina. But this sweet attitude was completely new even for her who looked at him with a dazzling smile as she worked to reassure the poor pregnant woman they had kidnapped a few hours earlier.
The scene had been almost comfortable until Alys started singing. It wasn't that bad, but Wylan knew well that she could go on continuously for hours and hours. Except that in the villa he could hide on the other side of the house and he would never hear her again, while in the small tomb they didn't last even five minutes. He went out and breathed deeply, in the distance he could still hear his stepmother's voice, but he was so distracted and tired that he didn't notice that Jesper had followed him.
"So, James?" he asked him with a mocking smile.
"Stop it, please, I'm here to avoid a torture, don't inflict me another one."
"Okay, it's not James. So, Joshua?"
"Jes…" Wylan rubbed his eyes hard, then his hands sliding down to his hair, combing it back. Would he ever get used to not feeling the curls between his fingers?
"It starts with j, right? Stop me when I'm guessing. Jon, Jason, Jake, Jim, Jean..."
Wylan couldn't believe he was having this conversation, maybe he should just give up. "Jesper…" he repeated his name, but this time it came out of his mouth like the admission of a terrible guilt, he felt his voice trembling and his body begging him to run away.
"No, come on, I want to guess, don't tell me. I think I'm almost there-"
"Jesper! The title is Jesper!" Wylan exploded and his heart stopped beating for a few moments. Jesper stared at him in silence, his mouth half open but unable to utter even a word. It was terrifying and mortifying to watch, so Wylan turned away. "I have succeeded in the most arduous undertaking that humanity has ever accomplished. I left you speechless" he tried to joke, but he didn't have any desire to laugh.
"Wy…" Jesper's pitiful tone hurt even more than a direct refusal. "I didn't know, I'm sorry, I… I shouldn't have insisted…"
"It's okay, just forget it, please." Wylan interrupted him, it had already been hard to admit how much he cared for Jesper, he felt the need to defend himself, justify himself. "It's just that you were the only friend I ever had. I have always been locked inside the house, I have always been a mistake to hide for my father. I told you that he is proud, he doesn't like to talk about his failures and I am one of those. And even when I started to leave the house secretly, I could never really get to know anyone, if I had made any friends I would have risked letting people know that Van Eck's son was a janitor at the university, who was wandering around Ketterdam doing who knows what. Then my father would have locked me up even tighter and what little life I managed to have would have been taken away from me. So yes, it was always just you. I have never had another person who cared for me." The words came out like a raging river, all the things he had always kept to himself, all his fears and shortcomings, he was saying them out loud now and he had no idea how he would ever look Jesper in the face again after that now that he showed himself to be so fragile and alone.
"You're not a mistake, Wy, you've always been a little genius. Do you remember the model of the solar system you made me fabricate?" At that memory Wylan turned suddenly, forgetting for a moment his embarrassment. Jesper smiled at him nostalgically, it was that sweet expression that he reserved for him in the most intimate moments.
"It was wonderful. I know you don't think so, but you're an excellent Fabrikator." Wylan couldn't believe he was smiling, until a few seconds ago he felt in total panic, but now the feeling of warmth embraced him completely.
"I still have that model."
"Really?"
"Of course, I couldn't throw it away. It's at my dad's farm."
For a few seconds Wylan was intoxicated by Jesper's smile and his brilliant gray eyes. The light air was cooling his fingers, so he wrapped himself in his jacket before averting his gaze towards the starry sky. It was not like the nights in the middle of the sea, there were many fewer stars, their light was dim, but as long as it was simply the two of them under all that intense blue, what difference would it have made? All it took was for Jesper to be at his side and he could have faced anything. With his eyes still looking up, Wylan said softly, "Sometimes I wonder who I would have been like if I hadn't known you. If I had only grown up with my father telling me I was a useless idiot, do you think I would have ended up believing him? If I hadn't had you showing me that it's not true, would I have been able to escape from him? Would I have managed to survive?"
"And I thought I was a bad influence for you" Jesper had approached, Wylan felt his gaze on him, but he didn't lower his eyes from the stars.
"Honestly, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
"Wy, I already have a huge ego, it might be a bad idea to flatter me." Wylan laughed, perfectly imagining the sly expression that Jesper was showing off at that moment, he closed his eyes before turning and confirming that he was looking at him exactly with that satisfied smile that he expected.
"Jes, why did you leave? What did you write in the letter?" he asked suddenly.
"Do I really have to talk about this?"
"No, you don't have to. But I would like to know, I've been wondering for years."
"No, okay. You were honest with me, I want to be honest too" Jesper sighed before continuing, it was clear how hard it was for him to open up. "My mother is dead. She was a zowa too, remember? She and she died because of this. She helped a girl who was poisoned by contaminated water. To remove the poison from the little girl, she took too much and died. My dad didn't agree with this side of her, he didn't want her to help people because he was afraid that, for the sake of someone else, she would lose out. After the accident he was traumatized and became more apprehensive, he was afraid to let me go out alone."
"Is that why you hide that you're a Grisha now?"
"I promised my dad, he was too terrified that I would die too. And he's not entirely wrong, Grisha's life isn't easy." Jesper hadn't met his gaze as he talked about the loss of his mother and his father's reaction and Wylan wondered if he was trying to hide the pain that was clearly on his face.
Wylan had never been good with words, but he knew when they didn't need to be used. He closed the distance with Jesper, standing on tiptoe he held him tightly praying to the saints that he could make him feel how much he loved him and that he wanted to protect him from anything bad that might happen to him.
The exchange of hostages was scheduled for the following day. Each of them was a cog that fit together perfectly and made the hands of the clock tick at the rhythm of Kaz's analytical mind. They knew that the plan to exchange Alys and Inej could be potentially unpredictable, they had to prepare for any eventuality, but if there was something that not even Dirtyhands could have imagined it was that Jesper and Nina would have to flee from invincible Shu soldiers genetically modified to chase the Grisha, the Kherguud. The scariest thing was their ability to track them, it seemed they could smell Grisha as if they were hunting dogs on the trail of a prey.
When they finally all returned to take refuge in the Black Veil, Wylan had noticed Jesper's expression, no matter how much the Zemeni clutched the revolvers that Kaz had managed to steal for him, it did not relax even for an instant. Would they ever feel safe again? The only consolation was that Inej was back. She was very thin and it seemed that a breath of wind could carry her away at any moment, but she was with them.
Wylan thought they could breathe a sigh of relief for at least a day, until Kaz revealed the next part of the plan: destroy Van Eck's silos and have him indicted. The plan was absurd. Nina would have accompanied Inej who, still weakened by the kidnapping, would have had to place Wylan's weevil in the silos, but the only possible access route was from above, so the Suli would have had to climb to the top of the silos and pass through one to the other using a simple rope and no safety net. In the meantime, Kaz and Wylan would have had to sneak into Van Eck's villa to access the vault where his father kept the family seal. The only way to open it was a corrosive that Wylan would produce himself, but he had to get the materials. As if that wasn't enough, all the Grisha, including Kuwei, had to escape from the city before the Shu and their unstoppable Kherguud found them. Jesper and Matthias would take care of them by putting them on a ship bound for Ravka.
There were so many things that could have gone wrong that it gave Wylan a headache just thinking about everything they had to do. That night, the feeling of joy that had been finding Inej had been completely buried by worry about what was yet to come. Resting was impossible.
"Is this what they teach at university? How to produce… What is it called?" Jesper stood with his elbows resting on the railing of the ferry bound for Olendaal.
"Auric acid and no, they don't teach it at university" Wylan observed the Zemen and imagined scribbling his high cheekbones and his slender neck on a piece of paper. The sun warmed the skin of the two boys, while the strong sea wind cooled it by blowing on their faces.
"And how the hell do you know how to do something like that?"
"Professor Levi," Wylan explained without being able to help but sound nostalgic. "She is the chemistry teacher at the university. Sometimes she allowed me to stay beyond working hours to show me some, let's say... unorthodox experiments."
"Who would have thought it would be useful?" Jesper chuckled before taking a deep breath of the warm, salty spring air.
"Thank you for coming with me today," Wylan said, hoping it was clear how grateful he was to Jesper for being there with him. He desperately needed a handle now that he had decided to say goodbye to his mother for the last time.
"Kaz wasn't going to let you go by yourself. Besides, I owe you. You came with me to meet my dad at the university, and you stepped in when he started getting inquisitive"
"I don't like lying."
"So why did you do it?" Jesper asked him, his eyes turned to the water roaring beneath them.
Wylan opened his mouth and in an instant so many words ran through his head that he could never have expressed in a simple answer. How could he ever explain how he had suffered to see his Jes, always brazen and brave, dwarf in front of his father? And how could he tell the terror he felt when he had feared that Colm's worried expression would transform into a fury of disappointment and disgust, as he had always seen his father do?
He simply couldn't. So he shrugged, before saying: "I'm making a habit of rescuing you. For exercise." Jesper laughed heartily, regardless of the looks he might attract with that racket and Wylan never knew if the pounding in his heart was from fear that someone would notice them or from Jesper's shining smile.
But he immediately darkened and went back to placing his elbows on the balustrade, with his hands immediately busy playing with the brim of his hat. "I should have gone to see him today."
"Why didn't you?"
"I have no idea what to say to him," he sighed before burying his head in his arms.
"Is the truth out of the question?"
"Let's say I'd rather avoid it."
"You can't run from this forever."
"Watch me." Jesper winked at him and smiled when Wylan rolled his eyes, incapable of not smiling back.
""I wish I'd brought flowers for her," Wylan said, giving him the opportunity to change the subject.
"We can pick up some on the way." Wylan suddenly remembered the countless times he had helped Jesper pick flowers for his mother. In some areas of the uncultivated meadows around the villa, wild flowers were often found. Jesper picked some with stems long enough to make a bouquet for his mother, while, as soon as Wylan was distracted and turned his back to him, Jesper hid the shorter ones among his curls. Wylan realized it when he caught him holding back laughter, and only then he found that his head was covered in delicate flowers. But he couldn't get angry, no matter how much Jesper teased him, he loved being touched by him. He tried to hold on to this memory for the rest of the ride.
"This place reminds me of home. Fields as far as the eye can see, quiet broken by nothing but the hum of bees, fresh air. Disgusting". They had been walking in silence for a few minutes when Jesper broke his chain of thoughts so suddenly that Wylan laughed, taken aback by his disgusted expression.
"You're really melodramatic. It wasn't that bad, I liked Novyi Zem."
"It was the company that made it wonderful," Jesper replied, batting his eyelashes theatrically.
"This is undeniable, it must have been hard for you to be without me when I left."
Jesper stopped, letting Wylan continue walking, no longer following his steps. "Wy, did you just steal my joke and turn it on yourself?"
"Yes. Yes, I did" he replied as Jesper reached him with a couple of strides of his long legs.
"I'm so proud of you," he said, pretending to wipe away a tear of pride. "By the way, you never told me why you left."
"My father found one of the toys you made. I kept them hidden, but apparently not well enough."
"He sent you away because you were friends with a Grisha?" Wylan was surprised by the question, he had always assumed that his father was embarrassed for him, not for the people he hung out with. But in fact Jan Van Eck had always exploited the Grisha as mere objects, taking advantage of the Kerch slave system, as all the merchants did.
"I don't think it's because of that. He sent me away because he was convinced that you would find out that I can't read and that word would spread. He said I had to go back to Ketterdam so I would be under his control and no longer have the chance to break the rules."
"I'd say it was a failed project," Jesper laughed and Wylan stretched a smile, savoring the small victory he had had over his father.
"I thank Ghezen that my father was always so sure that I was an idiot that he never really made an effort to keep an eye on me. Then Alys came along and I think he just lost interest in torturing me every day, he had better things to do."
"Every cloud has a silver lining, I suppose," Jesper poked him with an elbow.
Wylan felt the smirk on his face for a few seconds. He didn't care how dumb he looked, he was really grateful that Jesper was there with him at that moment. "Jes, thank you."
"You already thanked me for coming with you."
"No, I know what you're doing. You're trying to distract me, you know I'm nervous because I'm going to visit my mother's grave."
"Am I that predictable?" Jesper raised an eyebrow.
"I've known you for a long time."
"You say it like we were two old men on the verge of retirement." Jesper put an arm on his shoulders and brought him closer to ruffle his hair. "I guess we need to find a way to the quarry?"
"No we don't, just a general store." Wylan replied hastily.
Jesper looked at him puzzled. "But you told Kaz the mineral…"
"It's present in all kinds of paints and enamels. I wanted to make sure I had a reason to go to Olendaal."
Jesper's stunned expression and his loud breathing made him laugh. "Wylan Van Eck, you lied to Kaz Brekker. And you got away with it! Do you give lessons?"
"I've gotten away with it for now, bury me next to my mother when Kaz finds out. And bring me flowers like these, they are beautiful" Wylan waved the bouquet they had put together with some wild flowers and plants they had found along the way to Saint Hilde.
"All the flowers you want, for the man who defied the devil himself," Jesper replied, taking off his hat, pretending to commemorate his memory.
Wylan didn't know exactly why he came to mind at that moment, but suddenly he said, "You know, I bought a little house in Novyi Zem. It's not much, just a couple of rooms and a bit of land to cultivate."
"When did you do it?"
"Last year, with the money I earned playing the stock market. When Alys got pregnant I knew I had to leave."
"But why Novyi Zem? There are so many other places to run."
The answer took a few seconds to find the courage to come out of Wylan's mouth: "Because that's the last place where I had been happy."
Jesper looked at him with a suddenly softened expression. "Kaz is right, you are sentimental."
"And you are not? Why do you care so much about the farm if you have no intention of living there?" Wylan countered despite his embarrassment.
Even Jesper took a little too long to answer: "Because mom is buried there. Under a beautiful cherry tree"
"It sounds really nice."
"It is. I'll take you to visit it when you move there."
In the distance they could glimpse the hospital, Wylan felt the palpitations become stronger and more urgent in his chest. He clutched the stems of the flowers that he held in his hand and with every step he tried to gather the thoughts that he would soon say to a tombstone engraved with his mother's name, which he would not have been able to read.
For the past year Wylan had gotten into one unthinkable situation after another. He had made bombs for the Barrel Bastard himself. He had fled an assassination attempt. He had successfully entered and exited the Ice Court, escaping aboard a tank. He had met a Druskelle in love with a Grisha, a gunslinger with an unerring shot, a man without morals and a very sharp mind and a real life Wraith. And he realized that for those people he would have risked his life countless times. He had found his childhood best friend again and had fallen in love with him for the second time. He had changed his face, challenged his own father and had turned against him all of Ketterdam, all of Fjerda, all of Shu Han.
Now he could say he expected anything, nothing would surprise him anymore. He knew his father's cruelty well, he had experienced it for so many years on his own skin and now he had seen it on others skin; he had seen his father subjugate the Grisha to the parem for mere economic interest, threaten the lives of his friends and bargain for their survival as if it were just another good to be exchanged for his benefit. If there was anything that Wylan had finally accepted, it was that Jan Van Eck, the man who he called "father", was a horrible person and that there could be nothing worse than what he had already seen him do.
Then he saw his mother, with curls on her face, the same red tending towards blonde that he had until a few weeks before. He looked at that woman, she was so similar to the Marya of his memories and yet she was so miserable, confused and weak and he understood that he was wrong: Jan Van Eck was even worse than what he had thought until that moment.
Wylan felt like he was about to faint. He sat in the middle of the street sobbing, while Jesper stood beside him, unsure of what to do to calm him down.
"It was me. I caused this." he managed to say, fighting the lump in his throat that was blocking his words. "He wanted a new wife. He wanted an heir. A real heir, not a moron who can barely spell his own name."
"Hey. Hey". Jesper, sitting next to him, tightened his arm around Wylan's shoulders. "Your father could have made a lot of choices when he found out you couldn't read. Hell, he could have said you were blind or that you had trouble with your vision. Or better yet, he could have just been happy about the fact that he had a genius for a son."
"How can you still believe it? I'm not a genius, I didn't even realize that my mother didn't die. I just believed him when he said she was ill, I believed him like the idiot that I am. He was right."
"You're naive about a lot of things, Wylan, but you are not stupid. And if I ever hear you call yourself a moron again, I'm going to tell Matthias you tried to kiss Nina. With tongue." Jesper was trying to divert his thoughts from that self-destructive whirlwind that wanted to convince him that he deserved all the pain he was feeling.
"He'll never believe it," he tried to play along.
"Then I'll tell Nina that you tried to kiss Matthias. With tongue." Wylan couldn't laugh, but at that moment it seemed like a miracle to even stop sobbing loudly and concentrate on Jesper's deep, reassuring voice. "Look, Wylan. Normal people don't wall their wives up in insane asylums. They don't disinherit their sons because they didn't get the child they wanted. You think my dad wanted a mess like me for a kid? You didn't cause this. This happened because your father is a lunatic dressed up in a quality suit."
"That's all true, and none of it makes me feel any better." Wylan wiped away his tears with the sleeve of his jacket, but his eyes were so swollen that they were irritated by even that light touch.
"Well, how about this? Kaz is going to tear your father's damn life apart."
"No. We're about to tear my damn father's life apart." Wylan jumped up suddenly, his sadness replaced by anger. "Why do I have to be the one to run away? The house belongs to my mother, I will take it back for her. Come on, let's go steal all my dad's money."
"Isn't ityour money?"
"You're right, I still have to get used to the idea. Let's go steal them back."
"I love a little righteous comeuppance. Jogs the liver!" Jesper also stood up, grabbed his hand firmly and they left Saint Hilde almost running, both too agitated to contain the movement. If they aroused suspicion, they didn't care at that moment.
Wylan had never considered himself an angry person. Even though he felt profound frustration with everything that had been his life up to that moment, he had always overcome that black vortex of hatred that he felt rising in his chest with every insult, every slap, every torture that had been done to him.
Immediately after the loss of his mother he had not felt anger, but rather confusion and abandonment. When his best friend stopped coming to see him he didn't feel anger, but only a profound loneliness. Even when his father tried to kill him, the anger vanished quickly, he was left only in terror. For all his life he had accepted the worst, perhaps believing he deserved all that pain. A kind of punishment for him being imperfect.
But everything had changed since he found Marya. Now the feeling in his chest was sucking away every other feeling and he had turned the anger into pure hatred. The point was no longer to save himself from his father or fight for survival, revenge had become a necessity.
When he and Kaz entered the villa, he wasn't even surprised to see his bedroom transformed into a room for the baby who was about to be born. The house was huge, any other room could have become a nursery, but Jan Van Eck wanted to erase every trace that remained of his first child. Too bad that his little genetic error had no intention of bending to him, this time it would be the merchant who would succumb.
In his father's office, the memories of the torture he suffered assailed him, every time he failed to comply with the request to decipher a book that his father placed before his eyes was an agony and pure fear of his reaction. The anger was returning, Wylan felt it stronger and stronger despite him trying to control his heartbeat with all of himself.
He looked at Kaz wandering around the room with those schematic eyes of his, observing every corner and recording the information, even what seemed useless, but which perhaps one day would prove providential. On the way to the Wylan villa she had stopped to think that she should hate him too for having kept quiet about her mother. He had suspected that Kaz had known since the day they snuck into Smeet's house, his words had stuck in his head: "He's been making donations to the Church of Saint Hilde for the last eight years. If you want to pay your respects to your mother, that's probably the place to start." But somehow he wanted to convince himself that Kaz couldn't have been so mean and manipulative. Wylan had to change his mind when he openly admitted that he had kept the secret for the specific purpose of getting a reaction from him, to the point of making him feel sincere contempt for his father. "You were angry. Angry wears off. I needed you righteous." Maybe that was what he felt at that moment, that new feeling of repugnance and hatred was the product of everything that had happened to him and that now he finally found a real emotion to define him. He didn't think it was possible to hate someone that much, until Pekka Rollins appeared at the door, at which point he saw a clear-eyed yet crazed fury on Kaz's face.
Even after they managed to escape by destroying the floor and falling on father's guests, his indignation was still there and pushed him to run faster towards the boat where Rotty was waiting for them. Jesper, Matthias, Inej, Nina and Kuwei were in danger, but he could do nothing but keep running. Wylan threw bombs, rockets and everything he could get on board, while Kaz and Rotty rowed hard. Concentrating on saving his life, however, he could not banish the thought of a new loss coming. He would not rest until he saw everyone safe and sound.
"And stay safe," Inej had said right before saying goodbye that evening to go climb those damned silos. "I want to celebrate with all of you when that boat leaves the harbor."
"Will there be champagne?" Jesper joked as always and his cocky smile hid the sincere fear of not seeing each other again.
Nina finished the last biscuit and licked her fingers. "I'll be there, and I'm effervescent."
Wylan had smiled when he greeted them, hoping with all his heart to smile again when he saw them again that evening. Hope was the last thing he had left.
His mind went back to the last words he had exchanged with Jesper: "Is this really what you want? To be a criminal? To keep bouncing from the next score to the next fight to the next near miss?"
"Honestly?" Jesper ran a hand through his short, curly hair before answering. "Yes, this is what I want." Wylan looped the satchel over his shoulder, trying not to let his disappointment show, but before he could find the words to reply, Jesper reached out and untwisted the strap. He didn't let go. "But it's not all that I want."
Wylan remained still, immersed in the gray of the irises that were observing him from so close. Kaz's voice bringing them back to reality made Jesper let go of the strap, releasing Wylan from his grasp. "No mourners." he had finally told him.
"No funerals," Wylan had replied in a whisper and with the regret of not kissing him at that exact moment.
"I made a mistake. I let my bad get the best of my good, but for Saints' sake, Kaz, how long are you going to make me pay for a little forgiveness?"
"What do you think my forgiveness looks like, Jordie?"
"Who the hell is Jordie?"
At the top of the clock tower, Kaz and Jesper were fighting, punching, kicking and elbowing every inch they could reach. Each of their extremities was looking for something to hit, the irrepressible and spasmodic movements gave no respite. As much as Wylan asked for the intervention of the rest of the group, neither Matthias, nor Nina, nor Inej had dared to get in the middle of that tangle of bodies, bruises and blood.
Until Mr. Colm interrupted the fight by calling out his son like a child guilty of some mischief. Before Jesper reached his father at the bottom of the iron staircase, Wylan had cast one last glance at his split lip, then turned to look at the room where that frenetic and senseless brawl had just taken place.
"What the hell just happened?" he asked in almost a whisper to no one in particular.
Inej turned away from Kaz, already planning their next move with that look on his face that promised he was hatching another crazy plan. "Wylan, let's go downstairs," she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder to direct him towards the stairs. Too stunned to rebel, he realized he had to wait to ask more questions.
Wylan entered the sitting room, expecting to see Inej right behind him, but when he turned there was no sign of her. He looked out into the corridor and the first thing he saw was Jesper's back, Inej next to him speaking softly. He couldn't resist the urge to listen: "There's a wound in you, and the tables, the dice, the cards—they feel like medicine. They soothe you, put you right for a time. But they're poison, Jesper. Every time you play, you take another sip. You have to find some other way to heal that part of yourself." He saw her place a hand on his chest before continuing. "Stop treating your pain like it's something you imagined. If you see the wound is real, then you can heal it."
His sense of guilt gripped him and with a sprint he went back to hide inside the room. Wylan knew perfectly well what Inej meant, he had seen that wound too and he suffered every time he glimpsed it, disfiguring the memory he had of Jesper. The person he had become after their separation was still him, but it was a Jes who was lost and didn't know how to face his life without self destruction madness. He could understand him, he felt lost too, but in a different way.
"Here I am, sorry" Inej announced herself as she entered the room and Wylan mentally thanked her because he hadn't even noticed that the Wraith was next to him. "I had a weight I wanted to get off my chest before the next crazy job Kaz throws us into."
"Why didn't you do anything upstairs? They could have gotten really hurt" he asked her, observing her while she sat down on a small chair as if her body had no weight. The way she wandered around the rooms had always reminded him of a leaf falling in autumn, light and sinuous, she rested delicately in a point that seemed casual and at the same time perfectly studied.
"Rain makes plants grow," she replied, pausing to give Wylan time to understand. "I remember that my mother always said that when there was some argument. We argue in the family, it's inevitable, and it makes us stronger. Nobody likes bad weather, but it's what makes us grow."
"They were just getting beat up, what's mature about something like that?"
"Kaz and Jesper can't put into words what they feel, they only have a physical relief. I don't approve of their way of communicating either, but they needed it now." Inej let out a long sigh, then stretched her legs tiredly. "Let it rain, Wylan. The seedlings will grow and understand that rain is not all they need, have faith."
Wylan remained silent, then his eye fell on the bandage that wrapped one of her legs. By stretching the muscle she must have reopened the wound, because the white of her gauze was turning vivid red. "Can I?" he asked her, pointing to the spreading stain on her calf.
"Yes, thanks" she smiled at him, offering him her leg to be treated.
"Merchling, go find Jesper. I need you all here." At Kaz's order, Wylan hadn't hesitated for a second. After all, it was an excuse to get closer to Jesper and in that moment he really felt the need to be there by his side.
"But where did he go?" he whispered to himself as he walked briskly down the hall. "Jes?" he tried to call him and in the distance he heard the discordant sound of piano keys being pressed haphazardly. He quickened his pace and as he looked out the open door, what he saw was like swallowing hot metal. Kuwei was leaning against the white lacquer piano, with one hand placed on Jesper's forearm and the other on Jesper's chest, their faces a few centimeters apart had turned in his direction making him feel like an intruder in that painting.