CHAPTER 19

Unable to remain in McGonagall's presence much longer after finally admitting what occurred between that Death Eater and me so many years ago, I retreat from her office pretty quickly after trying my hardest to convince her that joining the Order of the Phoenix is the best thing for me. Once the door is closed behind me and I've walked down the corridor just a few steps, an idea comes to me, and my direction changes, now making my way toward the Owlery while summoning parchment, a quill, and a bottle of ink to myself in the process.

I reach the Owlery, praying Snape doesn't come looking for me, and scribble a short note that will undoubtedly enrage him should he ever learn of it.

I need to see you.

Aurelia

Then I tie the note onto an owl's leg. "Bellatrix Lestrange, Malfoy Manor." Once the owl takes flight, I rush down to the Slytherin Dungeon, sighing in relief when the door closes behind me. Snape doesn't know. Smiling with that knowledge, I plop onto the sofa and take out my wand.

I succeeded with the Water-Making Spell over the holiday at the Burrow. What was the next thing McGonagall had planned to teach me? It should be inanimate objects if my memory is correct. Good, because that's what I need the most. I wave my wand and, using the Inanimatus Conjurus Spell, manage to Conjure a quill again. This would be a thrilling success if not for the fact that a quill is the only thing I have ever had any true success Conjuring.

But it feels good to start with a successful attempt at Conjuration before facing the inevitable frustration of failure. My next attempt is a snuffbox. Eventually, I'll work my way up to Conjuring larger things, but since pushing my luck right now is not very appealing, the snuffbox will remain my focus.

The other, perhaps more important, goal at the top of my list right now is finding ways to irritate Snape by frequently roaming the castle with no real direction. That seems the most foolproof way of ensuring he will not follow me around or question me relentlessly every single time I leave the Slytherin common room. For the next three days, I leave the Slytherin Dungeon at least eight times a day but never even attempt to leave the castle, much less the grounds. The only time I don't find a reason to leave the dungeons is during my hourlong potions lessons after lunch. My goal with all of my roaming is for Snape to trust me not to run off again in case a situation arises in which I do need to run off—a situation such as my mother replying to me.

My wanderings work perfectly: Snape does indeed grow frustrated following me. By dinner on the third day of this, Snape decides that he no longer needs to follow me to ensure that I don't leave Hogwarts. He claims he cannot continue wasting time by keeping tabs on me like that, especially since I do nothing other than walk around, which marks my plan's resounding success.

At breakfast on the fourth day while I'm sitting in the Great Hall alone, two owls, one of immediately recognizable as the one from the Hogwarts Owlery and the other a tiny toffee brown one completely unknown to me, swoop in; each drops letters onto the table. I push my empty plates aside and pick up both of the letters.

Do not let Snape stop you. Come here at seven this evening.

It's not signed, of course, but it's obviously immediately who sent it. And Snape is going to kill me when he finds out. A smile breaks across my face at the thought, followed by a short-lived bout of nausea at the idea of disappointing him; I ignore the feeling and open the second letter.

Dear Charlotte,

I hope you didn't get into too much trouble for staying over so long earlier this week. I know Snape can be a pain. Don't let him bother too much though, will you?

As you probably noticed, I got an owl. He's well-trained and will wait in the Owlery for you to send him back with an answer. His name is Milo. Be nice to him, and he'll be nice to you. Take him a snack before sending him with your response; he loves food and anyone who shares food with him.

Anyways, write me back. I've been worried about you, and it would be nice to know if you're alive and well and not being punished for staying for tea with me. Have you been put on lockdown up at the castle? Shall I perform a daring rescue and break you out? Because I will if I don't hear from you in a reasonable amount of time. You're not a real student, so I don't think you should be forced to stay there, especially when no other student is even there right now.

Talk to you soon,
Zoe

P.S. "Be like the cliff against which the waves continually break; but it stands firm and tames the fury of the water around it." – Marcus Aurelius

In spite of myself, I throw my head back with laughter because she is determined never to let me live down named for that damn philosopher. I tuck the letters into my robes and walk back down to the Slytherin Dungeon. Once there, I take a seat, wave my wand to summon some parchment and utensils with which to write, and begin my response to Zoe.

Dear Zoe,

Snape was angry, sure, but I've not been put on lockdown. Nor have I been punished, really. He follows me now whenever I leave the Slytherin Dungeon because I obviously can't be trusted not to run off again. While he has reason to distrust me, it is rather annoying, to say the least.

But is it really? It never really bothers me when he trails me through the castle, but I don't like to admit that to myself, much less to anyone else.

When did you get Milo? Is he good company, or are you working so often that company is the last thing you're concerned with?

I greatly appreciate you being worried about me. I can't tell you how much that means to me. Honestly. And a daring rescue would be incredibly welcome. Perhaps you could find a hippogriff to fly into the castle. Though, if you really want to be intimidating, you need to have a sword as well as your wand. Dress like a warrior. It'll be unlike anything anyone here has ever seen. Besides that, Filch will go mad if he sees you.

Perhaps you'll manage to give Snape a fright in the process? And we won't be punished, really, all things considered. I mean, I'm not a real student, and you've graduated. It'll be grand.

How're things going at the Three Broomsticks?

Give Milo a treat for me,
Charlotte Marcus

P.S. I bet you thought I'd have a Marcus Aurelius quote here, didn't you? Wrong. I don't know anything about him really, I just felt I should add a postscript. You're welcome.

I read through it a few times before deciding it's good enough, then fold it up and wait a long while, practicing Conjuration some more, before leaving the common room to send it to her. I wait by the door to the Slytherin Dungeon for Snape to emerge from his office. "Going to the Owlery, Professor," I inform him, holding up the letter as proof. "I have a letter to send."

"To whom?"

"Zoe Accrington."

He nods once and disappears into his office.

Excellent. I start toward the Owlery, managing not to run into a single professor on my way. Milo swoops down to me, and I tie the letter to his leg and give him a cracker. Then he flies away. Now all I have to do is waste some time until visiting Bellatrix at Malfoy Manor. There's only half an hour to waste, which shouldn't be too hard.

Upon reaching the entrance hall, I find a bald man with a fat belly standing there, and his presence freezes me mid-stride. What will happen if someone witnesses me leaving the castle? What are the chances he'll go tell Snape? Who is this? How have I never seen him before? "Hello," I greet him awkwardly, deciding to face this head on rather than skulking around and raising suspicion. He turns, his face full of surprise when his eyes land on a student. "I'm Charlotte Rodgers." I offer him my hand.

He seems reluctant to take it but finally accepts the gesture. "Professor Slughorn. Professor Dumbledore did not tell me there would be students here this early."

"Oh, that. I was given special permission by Professor Dumbledore to arrive early. I'm a transfer from Durmstrang, so I don't really have a place to stay anywhere near here."

"I don't believe I recognize your surname. Did your parents attend Hogwarts?"

"I don't believe so."

He nods indifferently. "A transfer from Durmstrang Institute here early under special permission of Professor Dumbledore. That must be quite the story."

"Not really," I say.

He smiles kindly. "And will you be in Potions this year, Rodgers?"

"I didn't receive a good enough mark. Only 'Acceptable.' Wish I could've done better though; it's an interesting subject."

"Indeed, it is," he agrees.

He loses all interest in me after that, which does not disappoint me. When he wanders off and turns the corner, I dart out of the castle. I glance back once, my eyes intently searching each window within view for someone watching me—finding no one, I sprint toward Hogsmeade and Apparate the moment my feet touch the village ground.

Bellatrix is sitting in her room on the sofa before the fireplace when I arrive. She glances up and smiles at me. "Mum." A broad grin comes to my face at the sight of her. She stands to her feet, face curious, and I rush over to her and throw my arms around her. A gasp of surprise escapes her. Something about my mother holding me in her arms brings a strong burst of joy to my chest, and I tighten my hold on her, smiling against her.

"Aurelia," she says happily, cradling my head in her hand like she did the last time I hugged her, resting her chin atop my head. "I hope Snape has been treating you kindly."

"As kindly as Severus Snape can treat someone."

She pulls away from me and motions for me to sit down next to her on the sofa. "Has something happened to you?"

I shake my head. "No, no, it's just . . . I wanted to see you."

For a moment, pain flashes in her eyes. "So, he's not mistreating you in any way?"

"No, not at all." I reach over and take her hand. She inhales sharply, tensing a bit, but doesn't jerk her hand away. "I just—I realized that I never said—I mean, I want to say—when we met at my grave—I never got to say—" I take a deep breath. "I don't want to lose you either." Are her eyes watering? Or does it just look like that because mine are?

"You won't," she assures me, cupping my cheek with her free hand. "You won't lose me, Aurelia."

I close my eyes and rest my head in her palm before reaching up and taking that hand in mine as well. "I'm so scared, Mum. If someone is going to die this year, where will that leave me? Will I be in danger? Will . . . will you be in danger?"

"Aurelia—"

"It's just . . . I know we haven't really gotten on that well, but I mean, I so recently got my mother back, and I don't think I can face—"

"You won't!" she exclaims, looking at me with the look of a mother's love that I never dreamed would look upon me. "Both of us will be fine. You won't lose me. And I won't lose you."

"How can you be so sure?" I whisper.

"The Dark Lord has informed me of his plans, and your safety is one of his top priorities. Snape should be watching after you. But do not trust him." I squeeze her hands. "If you need anything, you know you can owl me. It must be discreet, but you can owl me."

I nod, unable to look her in the eye right now. "You bought my books for Hogwarts? And my robes?"

"You're my daughter, and I—there was no need for you to use a Hogwarts loan again this year."

"And you knew my measurements?"

She shrugs. "I made an educated guess."

I smile at this, a deep guilt suddenly weighing down on me.

"What's wrong?"

I clear my throat. "It's just—I shouldn't have left this summer. I should've stayed here with you. I should've—I should've tried to spend time with you. You're my mum, and we hardly know each other." We've only ever really fought.

"You want—you want to spend time together?"

"Yes." A tentative smile comes to my lips at the shocked expression on her face. I can spend time with my mother. I can maybe have a relationship with her, and she doesn't seem angry at the idea of it. My most cherished childhood dream can still be a reality. Tears burn my eyes. "Desperately."

She brushes my cheek and seems about to say something, but instead she releases my hand and grabs her left arm. "I'm being summoned. You must return to Hogwarts."

"Can't I just wait in here for you to return? I can stay here for the next week instead of being trapped there."

Bellatrix shakes her head. "You can't."

"Why not?" I ask as we both stand back up. "I want to stay with you. Please."

Her eyes glance over my shoulder. "The Dark Lord would not approve," she says plainly. I swallow down my disappointment, wish we had the time to change our broken relationship and work on it so we no longer only fight. "Stay safe, Aurelia."

I wrap my arms around her middle. "You too, Mum."

She squeezes me more tightly for a moment, then pulls away, takes my face in her hands, and bends down to kiss my forehead. "You must leave now."

I smile up at her, then Apparate to Hogsmeade and rush to the Three Broomsticks where Zoe is cleaning one of the tables. "Zoe!" She turns and grins when she sees me. "I'm probably about to be put on lockdown until the other students arrive."

"Sneak out again?" she laughs.

"Yeah, but it's totally fine; however, I might not be able to write you anymore until the others arrive either."

"Thanks for the heads up."

"I have to get back now before he gets angrier."

She nods understandingly, and I run back to Hogwarts.

I have only just thrown the door shut and started dashing to the Slytherin Dungeon when a spell throws me into the air, smacking me against the ceiling and dropping me to the stone floor. Another spell sends me sliding across the stone until I hit the wall. I push myself up to my feet and whip out my wand, rounding on my attacker. Only, there's no one around at all. I circle, frantically looking for wherever the next attack might come from, but am too late to stop the red flash from hitting me square in the chest.

When I finally awaken, the first thing I notice is that my arms and legs are tied to a chair. My neck aches terribly, probably from the way my head has just been hanging for who knows how long. I force myself to look straight ahead, only cracking my neck once. Snape sits at his desk, not paying me the slightest bit of attention. "What happened, Professor?" I ask throatily.

He glances up. "You're awake." Then goes back to whatever he's working on.

"I am. What happened?"

"I trusted you not to run away from Hogwarts again, and you took advantage of that. Did you go to see Accrington in Hogsmeade or Weasley in Diagon Alley? Perhaps you went to see Andromeda Tonks?"

"You don't know where I went?" He eyes me suspiciously. "How did you even know I left? I wasn't gone long."

"Long enough."

"But—"

"Ah, you were with your mother. How . . . childish of you, to want to see your dear mummy when things go poorly for you. Whatever happened to the mutual loathing between you and dearest Bellatrix?"

I pull at the ropes on my wrists for a moment before giving up and looking back at the professor. "I don't know, sir. I want her to be part of my life, considering I've gone so long without a mother. Now, would you mind releasing me from these ropes, giving me my wand back, and sending me on my way?"

Snape picks up my wand from his desk. "Did I not speak to you about the dangers of trying to establish a relationship with Bellatrix Lestrange?"

"You did, but do I truly ever listen to you?" His expression becomes amused; I so obviously listen to him that my statement falls flat. "Besides, she says the same thing about you. She says you can't be trusted."

"And you would have me believe that you trust her, someone who has Cruciated you"—I frown at the truth in his words—"more than the person who has been training you for the past two months, the person—"

"Who imprisoned me in his home and turned me into a house-elf?"

"You made the terms of our deal; I simply accepted them."

He's right of course. I trust him more than her. I spent two months living in his house, cooking our meals, learning Occlumency from him. Bellatrix is a Death Eater who Cruciated the Longbottoms to insanity and had no qualms about Cruciating me. "Fine," I sigh, deflating at the truth of the matter, at how this can never go how I wish. "Just . . . please let me go?"

Snape waves my wand, and the ropes disappear from my arms and legs. I stand walk toward his desk to get my wand back, but he pulls it away before I can grab it. "You will no longer be able to leave the castle. The Owlery, as well, will be off limits to you. We can't have you trying to contact your mother again, can we?"

I scowl at him.

"You brought this on yourself." He hands me my wand.

I snatch it from him and storm from his office. He's right, of course—leaving the castle after his last warning was probably stupid, but I needed—wanted—to speak with my mother. So much for keeping myself distant from her.

I can't bring myself to return to the Slytherin Dungeon yet and so instead make my way to McGonagall's office.

But do I really want to talk to her right now? I just so recently told her what happened when Mrs. Stoico died. What if she's finally given it thought and realizes that I'm completely insane and far too much like Bellatrix for my own good? I mean, Merlin, I went to see Bellatrix just a few moments ago. I went to see my Death Eater mother because I wanted to. I wanted to see the Death Eater because I needed to talk to someone. And I chose her.

What the hell is wrong with me?

What kind of question is that? I know what's wrong with me: Despite my original desire to keep a cold relationship with Bellatrix, I have found myself wanting to be close with her. But I don't know what's wrong with me that makes me want such a relationship with her.

I stop in front of McGonagall's office but cannot bring myself to raise my hand and knock on the door, knowing I should leave and postpone having to face her.

Perhaps though, it'd be best to know sooner if she hates me rather than finding out later. With that in mind, I timidly knock on the door and am about to turn around and walk off, hoping she hadn't heard my knock to give me more time avoiding her, when a quiet, "Enter" comes through the door and sends my heart plummeting.

"Professor," I greet her quietly, refusing to sit down in front of her desk. "I have—I was wondering . . . the Conjuration lessons, will those be continuing this year? Or will it be a waste since I'm in the N.E.W.T. classes now?"

She is quiet for a short moment. "The Inanimatus Conjurus Spell will be taught in the seventh-year class."

I tap my fingers against my thigh. "So it—it wouldn't be a waste?" I ask softly. "If—if you're still willing to help me, of course."

At that, she honestly seems confused. "Why wouldn't I be willing to help you?"

I bite my lip. "Well, because, you know . . . Avery."

"Rodgers," she says with a smile, "that wasn't—"

"I murdered a man in cold blood."

"It wasn't killing cold blood to kill a man who was trying to abduct you and had just murdered someone you cared for."

My eyes stray away from her. Of course, Avery's death is justified by that logic, but that Muggle child I killed after accidentally killing that man and woman? Nothing will ever change that. I have killed in cold blood, even if she doesn't believe it or know about it. I deserve neither to be here at Hogwarts nor to be cared about by anyone, not with the evildoings from my past. No, I deserve the hell Voldemort will put me through. It's my punishment for all of the awful things I've done in my life.

"I can see by the look on your face that you do not believe me."

"I mean, you make a compelling argument."

"However, I am unsure if you will have time for Conjuration lessons this year."

Does she know about my lessons with Snape?

"But I will let Professor Dumbledore speak with you about that."

"And . . . and if there is time?"

"Once a week, on the days when we both can."

Relief floods through me. Although I don't deserve her forgiveness or her help, it is wonderful to know that she has given it. Not wanting to push my luck with her, I say a quick goodbye and rush away toward the Slytherin Dungeon. My course changes to the direction of the entrance hall to confirm whether Snape has made good on his threat.

I place my hand on the handle leading outside and give it a strong pull. Nothing. On my second attempt, I pull with all of my might, leaning backward as hard as possible to give myself more leverage, and while the door does budge slightly, it does not open. My hands slip, and I fall onto my back on the stone floor. Great. So, Snape wasn't lying when he said I would be unable to escape the castle. "What a vindictive little shit," I mutter.

Two feet stop by my face. I glance up and see Snape look down at me, a victorious half-grin on his face. "Did I not tell you that you would be unable to leave the castle?"

"Yeah, you told me," I sigh, dropping my head onto the stone. "I was just hoping it was a lie, seeing as you tell so many of them."

"The Owlery looks as if you can enter it, but you'll be unable to. However, if you'd like to try it, I'd be more than happy to watch your failed attempts."

"I believe I'm good, actually. Why don't you run along and do all of those professor things that you need to get done?"

"And leave you lying on the stones, free from vindictive taunts?"

I sit up and meet his eyes. Apparently, he heard me muttering about him. "I'm not lying on the stones anymore, Professor. Feel free to leave."

He doesn't budge, and with a scathing glare, I stand to my feet and make my way back to the Slytherin Dungeon, already planning to remain there for as long as possible. Because what else is there for me to do now?