CHAPTER 6

I follow Snape down to the basement, my resolve growing. He will not see how I earned a "Troll" on my Astronomy O.W.L.; I will accept death before accepting this loss. Only when I've decided to allow him will he see that memory. He can see literally anything else, but not this. No matter how embarrassing a memory he might find, he will not see the night of the Astronomy exam. Only I am allowed to surrender that thought, and only in my own time.

Snape waves his wand, clearing the room of the potions and potion ingredients, and goes to the far side of the room. "Occlumency first."

I brace myself. He will not see it, he will not see it, he will not see it. I will keep him out of my mind.

He aims his wand at me. "Legilimens!"

I'm standing in the Astronomy Tower next to Harry. McGonagall is running toward Hagrid's cabin. This will not happen. He will not get the best of me this easily. He has been teaching me Occlumency almost nonstop for weeks, so the absolute least I can do is keep him from seeing one memory. "How dare you!" McGonagall shouts.

With one last surge of determination, I put all of my energy into one thing: throwing him out of my mind.

But even with all my strength, I cannot force him out. Instead, we enter another memory. This is the hardest Snape has fought to keep the spell working against me, and I don't believe my skills are enough to fight him off.

I cast the Disillusionment Charm on Fred and then myself. We stand outside the headmaster's office while the former Minister of Magic tries to arrest Dumbledore.

Snape continues his search through my mind, and it feels as if someone has grabbed my brain with their bare hands and is trying to rip it in two.

Standing alone in a cave, a dead wolf-like dog lying on the ground at my feet, I attempt to cast the Disillusionment Charm over the body, but it doesn't fully disappear. I reverse the spell then do it again. It's better but not perfect. I try it again. And again. And—

Snape walks with Draco to Umbridge's office. I'm nowhere to be seen, meaning I must have already used the Disillusionment Charm on myself. He's following the memories in which I used that charm, like he knows that it might lead to the answer my "Troll" mark in Astronomy. How could he possibly figure it out that quickly? Or maybe he just knows me that well by now, considering how he's been probing my mind so much these past two weeks. It doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters is keeping him out of that memory, and I will not fail.

Draco and I are lying in his bed. I would recognize that room anywhere. We're holding hands and grinning at each other. Then he slowly leans to kiss me.

"NO!" I say firmly, finally able to force the spell away from me. I dry heave, lying on the floor, the pain in my head so strong it eerily reminds me of the aftereffects of the Cruciatus Curse. Snape switched his tactics, probably to get me to focus on keeping him out of the humiliating memories of Draco to weaken my hold on the Astronomy memory and lose this battle of wills against him. But I will not lose. He can see everything that happened between me and Draco, but he will not see what happened during the Astronomy exam. I will succeed in this aspect of Occlumency. And Snape will be proud of me for doing it.

"Again," he says with a hint of frustration in his voice. "One . . . two . . . Legilimens!"

I'm standing in the Astronomy Tower beside Harry. McGonagall is running toward Hagrid's cabin.

No. He will not.

I am standing in Umbridge's office. Her face has already been hit with the Stinging Hex.

With difficulty, I force him out of that memory but cannot expel him from my mind—he quickly finds another Umbridge memory to invade.

The Blood Quill carves into my hand. I wince, tears in my eyes, but make no noise. "You may go," Umbridge says.

I am with Mrs. Weasley now. I am telling her of my duty to Voldemort.

I am with the Tonks family. I am telling them of my duty to Voldemort.

I am with McGonagall next. I am telling her of my duty to Voldemort.

"Out!" Once again I am on my hands and knees. And what is the point of even trying to stand again? My knees will be bloody and bruised if I keep falling like this.

"How many people have you told?" His voice is so quiet it's impossible to tell whether he is angry at me.

"A few." I put my hands on my hips and sit up some but do not rise to my feet.

"Again," he says. "Legilimens!"

I am in the compartment on the Hogwarts Express with the Golden Trio and Ginny. I begin telling them about being Bellatrix's daughter.

I shove Snape out of my thoughts and memories with a loud shout and a searing pain in my head.

"How many people know you're the daughter of Bellatrix?"

I rest my head in my hands. "A few."

"Again. Legilimens!"

Zoe crouches in front of me in our compartment aboard the Hogwarts Express. Then she takes my hand and looks directly into my eyes. "Never think that you weren't enough," she says sternly. "They left you because they are selfish and unfit to be parents. That has nothing to do with you, Charlotte. You need to know that."

"No," I say, my eyes watering with the pain in my head.

Snape looks impressed, but I don't even have time to relish that before he says, "Legilimens!"

"No."

Though this manages to stop him from entering my mind, the pain is nearly unbearable. Snape's hands—now made of hot iron—are wrapped tightly around my brain, squeezing it, trying to kill me. I shut my eyes, my head pounding as the spell continues assaulting me. My stomach empties onto the stone but quickly Vanishes. With a quiet whine, I lean forward and place my forehead against the cool floor, whispering, "It hurts. It hurts. Please."

A hand rests on my shoulder. "Stand up." He takes my hand and helps me to my feet. My hands come to a rest on my hips again, and I bend over, trying to breathe through the pain. "Stop me without speaking this time."

"No, please, it hurts," I whisper.

"You've finally made a breakthrough, Charlotte. We cannot stop now."

"Professor, please—"

"Legilimens!"

Ron freezes my legs together and begins pelting me with snow. With a thought, I force Snape out of my mind, whimpering. I grab his arms to keep myself upright and close my eyes tightly again. "Please."

"Quicker this time, Rodgers." He waits until I nod before saying, "Legilimens!"

I'm running. I force Snape out again, my grip on his arms tightening in a feeble attempt to catch myself from falling back down.

"Where were you running?" he asks me.

"I don't know," I say, my head down, tears slipping down my cheeks. "I don't know."

"Because you did not allow enough information before you stopped me." He sounds pleased, but I still can't open my eyes and look at him. "Again. Legilimens!"

Fred's face flashes across my thoughts. Then he's gone, and I struggle to look up at Snape, tears and growing black spots blurring my vision.

He smiles at me almost proudly. "Legilimens!"

I remain staring at Snape, unblinking but tightening my hold on his arms as tears fill my eyes, in the dark basement lit only by torches.

He nods at me. "Well done, Charlotte," he says, a touch of pride in his voice.

I've done it. I've kept him out of my mind completely. My brain still pounds against my skull, a few tears slipping down my cheeks, but I almost manage to smile at the pleased look in his eye. I've impressed him.

"We're not done. Not yet." He points his wand at me. "This time, force me to see only the memories you want me to see."

"Please, I need a break," I breathe, hanging my head again, really just wanting to rest for a moment to gather myself.

He lowers me to the floor and lets me sit down, my head between my knees. "Do this one last thing, and you can rest for as long as you'd like." I look up at him, struggling to see him, and nod. He's agreed to teach me, and the least I can do is follow through with whatever he thinks is best for me to learn this. I know exactly what to show him. "Legilimens!"

I'm standing next to Harry in the Astronomy Tower. McGonagall is running toward Hagrid's cabin. She is hit by four Stunning Spells. Snape is fighting to see anything else. Draco's face appears, but I force it down and continue with the Astronomy memory, the pain in my head growing stronger at the effort to keep Snape in this one memory. I grab my O.W.L. exam, shove it into the arms of one of the professors, and leave the tower. Fred's face comes to mind and lingers. With great force and a shout, I pull Snape back to the Astronomy memory. I cast the Disillusionment Charm over myself and go to the entrance hall. McGonagall is being carried in, motionless.

I follow Umbridge to the swamp that blocks her office and go with her as she makes her way around it. With one swift movement, I ram my hands into her back and shove her forward with all of my might, smirking when she stumbles and catches herself on her desk, nearly hitting her face on the corner. I take the charm off of myself and hiss, "You pathetic coward."

She steadies herself before rounding on me. Before she has a chance to point her wand at me, I expel it from her hands, catch it, and throw it into the swamp, then slam her office door shut. "How dare you!" I scream.

Zoe's face flashes through my mind. I'm leaning heavily against the sofa in the Slytherin Dungeon, the murk of the swamp covering me entirely. I'm crying but cannot speak.

My head grows warmer, and I shift Snape back to Umbridge's office.

"How dare I what, Miss Rodgers?

"You know damn well 'what'!"

"Oh, you mean the half-breed Hagrid?"

Zoe's face flashes in my mind again. I'm leaning against her, crying into her knees while the shower pelts us both with water.

Try as I might to force Snape back to Umbridge, we're instead in the guest room of Malfoy Manor. Bellatrix opens the door to leave. "Wait. Please, wait."

She stands motionless, debating, before finally closing the door and turning back to me.

With another shout, I can hear through my thoughts, Snape and I are back in Umbridge's office.

"I couldn't care less about him!"

She pauses, her eyes malicious. "Ah, you mean Professor McGonagall?"

My wand shakes violently. "Don't say her name! You don't deserve to say her name!"

I succeed with the Bird-Conjuring Charm for the first time, and McGonagall looks at me with pride.

"She was interfering with an act of the Ministry."

"SHUT UP!"

Something went begins dripping out of my nose, tickling my lip. I start crying. Snape and I are back in the guest room. Bellatrix stares briefly, irritated, before scoffing and moving to the door to leave. I step in front of her and put one hand on the doorknob to keep her from grabbing it and put the other hand on her ribcage to keep her away from the door altogether. The Snape standing beside me in this memory looks shocked. "Please. Please, you're my mother, and I-I-I-I'm scared. I'm so scared, please. You're the only one—you're the only one who can help me. Please."

My head lights on fire, and Snape and I are back with Umbridge.

"You think you can expel me from Hogwarts, Dolores? Do you think I fear leaving this place? No. No, this place matters very little to me. But do you know what—STOP MOVING—do you know what I do care about? McGonagall." My wand stops shaking altogether, and I narrow my gaze at her. "Would you like to know what I did to the last person who took someone from me? For the sake of time, let me just tell you that I made sure his death was drawn out."

I don't think Snape is trying to find another memory anymore, and while that relieves some of the pressure on my head, it doesn't take it away completely.

"But you needn't—WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT MOVING? CRUCIO!" Her silent screams fill the room once more.

Back in Snape's potion room, I curl into myself, the taste of blood and vomit on my tongue, and collapse onto my side. "It hurts, it hurts," I say, wiping blood from my nose. I cradle my head in my arms. "It hurts." Snape's footsteps approach me, and then his hands slide under my arms as he lifts me slightly and rests me against the wall. I cannot open my eyes. "It hurts, Professor, it hurts."

A cold cloth touches my face just below my nose, and I take it from him, my eyes still closed, and try to wipe away the blood. "You're fine," he says kindly. "This happens sometimes. It happened to me. It's fine. You're fine."

Suddenly, his shoulder feels warm against mine, and I force myself to look over at him through tear-blurred eyes and see him sitting beside me, his legs outstretched, his wand in his hand. "Why?" he asks quietly as he hands me a glass of water.

I accept it and take a few big gulps, then close my eyes again. "She could have killed McGonagall," I whisper. "I was angry."

"How does she not remember that?"

"A memory charm." I take a few more gulps of the water.

He hands me a vial of something. "For the pain." I give him a grateful smile and drink the potion. "When did you become that proficient in memory charms?"

"When my only choices were to either learn the charm or kill innocent Muggles who caught me."

He's silent for a second, then he nods and says, "Take pride in your memory charm, Rodgers. There are not many witches or wizards your age that could pull off one such as you did." I look away from him and close my eyes again. "I should have taken you seriously about being an Obliviator."

"You're telling me," I say as lightheartedly as I can manage right now.

Snape returns to silence, and I rest my head back against the hard stone wall, allowing myself to take pride in this small victory in Occlumency.

"Get up," he says a moment later.

"Can't I just wait here for a second?" Groaning, I shift and lie down on the floor, my head in my arms. "I just . . . a five-minute break. Please." A small, soft pillow appears under my head my head, and a laugh escapes me. "And people say you're coldblooded."

"Who says that?" He genuinely seems intrigued.

"It's implied." I cover my face with the cold rag he provided earlier.

He makes an odd but familiar noise. A few moments later, he says, "You're Transfiguration lessons with Professor McGonagall seem to have gone well."

"They did, but we had to stop because of the O.W.L.s. We left off at the Water-Making Spell."

"If you stand up now, I will help you learn that particular spell before we get started on dueling and nonverbal spells again."

"You're planning to teach me Transfiguration?"

"If it'll make you get off my floor, yes." I turn my head toward him and look at him, trying to determine whether he's serious; satisfied that he's not lying, I push myself to my feet and lean heavily against the wall. Then he says, "When you were . . . punishing Umbridge, you said something about how 'the last person who took someone from you' had a 'drawn out' death. You killed a Death Eater in vengeance, didn't you?"

I clear my throat, trying my best not to think about that day. Having avoided thinking about it for so long, I almost fear what will happen should I accept the truth of my actions. "You know, I don't believe that was part of our deal for me getting off the floor, was it? I won't talk about what happened. I just won't. It's not something I ever talk about."

"Was his name Avery?"

"What did I just say?" For a brief second, Snape is taken aback by my quiet, harsh tone, and I seize the opportunity to say, "I'm done for the day." I make for the stairs.

"I don't believe I dismissed you."

"I don't believe I care."

I'm halfway up the stairs when Snape says, "When you Cruciated Umbridge, your hand was shaky, reluctant." I slow down, curiosity refusing to let me block out his words. "Until you mentioned that incident. Your whole demeanor changed, and your wand stopped shaking." He noticed that too? "Why do you think that is?"

I reach for the door and open it. "I wouldn't know." The door slams shut, blocking me in.

"Rodgers—"

"I won't speak of it."

"Charlotte—"

"Stupefy!"

Snape parries my attack with a smirk on his face. "What did I tell you about dueling? Keep your mouth closed and your attacks silent."

I glower at him. "Impe—"

Again, Snape blocks my attack. "We've talked about this."

"Shut—" He flicks his wand, and my tongue becomes glued to the top of my tongue. It's the same damn spell he used on me last Christmas to stop me from speaking.

"From the look of that memory, it seems you have a bit of Bellatrix in you after all. Do you think that might be why you stopped trembling so fiercely when using the Cruciatus Cruse against Umbridge?"

I try to screech at him, but it comes out muffled. He has no right to say such things. I turn and yank on the door, but his magic still works against me. The door does not budge, and I round on Snape, aiming my wand at him again.

"I do wonder, though, who was the last person you cared for? The woman from the orphanage?" I attempt to scream again, but it does me no good, which just makes my anger worse. Frustrated tears spring to my eyes as I try my best to yell at him but fail. "Ah, I see. What was her name again? Did you even really know her? How do you know she wasn't a Death Eater who only watched after you because those were her orders from the Dark Lord?" Does he know something about that journal Bellatrix has? I try to attack him, but none of my spells work. "So how did she die, Rodgers?

"What could you have done to stop it? Were you there? Of course, you were a pathetic child then, just as you are now. You could not defend yourself, you could not defend that woman. And she died. Yes, she died because you were incapable of stopping it, just as you are incapable of stopping your destiny to serve the Dark Lord."

Tears run down my face, and only the desire to see Snape as dead as the man who murdered Mrs. Stoico prevents me from blasting a hole in this door and running. In addition, my skills, or lack thereof, in nonverbal spells will not let me destroy the door. Instead, I fruitlessly continue trying to attack him. My sobs are stifled because of the spell he's cast on me, but I flick my wand at him continuously at him, the curses getting progressively worse despite my wand not producing so much as a flicker of light.

"And just how did her murderer get to her if you were no longer at the orphanage, Rodgers?" he asks, a false sense of intrigue in his voice. "You led him back there, did you not? You trusted him! He found you when you were vulnerable and alone, a child with no help, a child lost in this world, did he not? And you believed the caring façade he put on just to trick you! And then you led him back to her, didn't you?

"Of course you didn't mean to, but you killed her! You didn't cast the spell, but you handed her to someone who would! You caused the death of the person you loved most in this world!" His voice wavers momentarily before he continues, "She is dead because of your actions! She lies in her grave, and there is nothing you can do to bring her back! And it's all because of you!"

Blood pounding in my ears, my rage seizes hold of me. With one incensed, determined thought, a green flash leaves the tip of my wand, headed straight for Severus Snape, the one person I currently want dead more than Voldemort himself, but before the Killing Curse strikes him, a dummy appears in front of him to take the hit. I cast Sectumsempra at him, but he blocks it as I jump to the bottom of the steps and cast the Stunning Spell—he's left the Shield Charm up, rendering the spell harmless.

"Use that anger, Rodgers! Your nonverbal spells are improving!"

I cast the Blasting Curse, but Snape's shield still protects him.

He removes the spell keeping me silent. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

He expels my wand, and it flies over to him, straight into his palm, as I sprint toward him, his eyes not on me as he catches the wand. "I do—" I tackle him to the floor, pinning him down with all my weight and strength and throwing my fist into his face, then wrap my hands around his neck and begin squeezing as tightly as possible. "IF YOU EVER SPEAK OF MRS. STOICO LIKE THAT AGAIN—" Something blasts me into the air, slams me against the ceiling, and throws me down to the floor.

Trying to catch my breath, I glance up at him and see that he's struggling to his feet. I let out a roar and move to tackle him again, but a spell hits me and freezes me in my place, my body paused mid-lunge. A short moment later it drops me to the floor. I take a few shallow breaths before I push to my feet and try lunging again, but the same spell traps me and stops me from moving.

"I can leave you like this for the rest of the day or—"

"Fuck you."

"Rodgers—"

"If you ever speak of her again"—I take a deep breath—"I will do whatever it takes to ensure that my green Avada Kedavra hits you square in the chest."

"Bold threats from someone who can no longer move."

I let out a raspy breath, angry that he's right but unable to expel any of it. I swallow thickly, the fight draining out of me, my adrenaline dissipating and the pain from earlier rushing back into me. The spell forces me to stand up straight. Then Snape approaches me and stops right in front of me, so close that I have to strain to lift my eyes high enough to see him. I have a strong desire to cower away from his enraged face but am unable to.

He lifts my wand into the air. "If I hand this back to you, you may never attempt to take my life again."

Though his voice is light, I can hear the threat clear as day. "Only if you never speak of Mrs. Stoico again."

"Or I can keep you wand—"

"And I'll find a way to kill you like the Muggles kill each other."

"I'll leave you to think it over."

He starts to leave, and I find myself calling for him to return. Only when he's in front of me again do I say, "I won't attack you again, but you can't speak of Mrs. Stoico. Ever."

Something akin to a smirk comes to his lips. "If you so much as think about taking my life again, not even the virtue of being the Dark Lord's . . . slave will save you."

He releases the spell that binds me, and I crumble to the floor, my body too worn and tired to hold me up. Though he likely has some ulterior motives for agreeing to my request, they don't matter to me because I need to get my wand and get away from him. "Fine."

As soon as my fingers close around that familiar cherry wood, I stand with a loud groan and storm up the stairs. I can't be anywhere near him right now.