Prince Charming Misplaces His Bride

Prince Charming was exploring his walk-in closet of shirts. Today, he decided, a lovely white silk shirt with tassels on the shoulders. This is also what he had decided yesterday. He was looking forward to a picnic with Ella, his fiancée. They always had a picnic on Tuesdays. Today was a Tuesday. They would eat all of his favorite fruits and vegetables, and they would sit on the lovely palace lawn, and it made him very happy to look forward to it.

Ella was in her suite of rooms, packing her bags with useful belongings and small things she would be able to pawn off. She was from West Harmonian family of turnip farmers. In fact, that was in fact the only kind of family to be had in West Harmonia. The region was famous for its turnips and for being the home of the evil witch in Pennyfeather's The Ballad of Sir Rosenstråle Slaying a Beaver and a Witch. Ella's late father had remarried (before death) to Step-Mamma, who forced Ella to all perform the small farm's housework. Step-Mamma and her two daughters, blind and hobbled from the same disastrous accident, managed the turnip farm outside together. Ella had resented being pent up inside the house. It wasn't that she minded housework. It was the principle of the thing. They had never understood her, the hag and the blind stepsisters. They were their own compact little unit. Always trying to go off to this ball or that, without her. So Ella had gone off in search of a prince. And now she had a prince and a palace but where had that gotten her?

Prince Charming beamed at himself in the mirror while valets applied hair product. So daring! To sit on the ground, where he might catch his death of cold. His valets encouraged it, assuring him that a brush with danger every now and again was advantageous for a prince. With Ella! He very much enjoyed the cavalier, romantic lifestyle, even though his father had been complaining that he was falling behind on his studies. The prince acknowledged the problem, and proper cutlery usage, correct posture, penmanship, and ballroom dancing were also very important for a future king. His valets encouraged him in courting Ella, assuring him that a little rebellion was healthy for a young man. Still, why wasn't it possible for everyone to be happy?

The story of how Prince Charming met Ella was famous throughout the kingdom, popularized by the palace bard, Pennyfeather the Mellifluous, in The Ballad of Cinderella. The prince very much liked the ballad, although he had a few suggestions he might have made. It didn't even mention his name ('Charming' isn't a name, it's an adjective), and it got a few details a little bit wrong. Enthralled at the annual ball by a mysterious woman who disappeared at midnight, Prince Charming instructed a trusted valet to locate her; the valet tracked her down that very night. She was happy to leave her family to a lifetime of agrarian labor, and to his father's horror the two shortly became engaged.

"Yes, well," Pennyfeather had said, "Artistic license you know. Truth flows through bards and bards float in truth, and if we have the power to make it taste better, I rather think it our obligation to do so." He said it looking down his nose at Prince Charming. This was impressive because Pennyfeather was five feet tall—built like a plum—and Prince Charming was six feet tall—built like a scarecrow. Ella lived pleasantly in the palace for nearly a year with him. She resisted setting a date for the wedding.

God, if she could only remake her life's decisions, choose better wishes. First the wish about her stepsisters, then the wish about her prince, and only one left? What a life! But she was still young. She prepared herself for the conversation she was going to have with her prince.

"Look, I just want to do something new," Ella explained over breakfast on the lawn, "Something exciting." She had her bags, packed, around her. She had a horse. She had not yet sat down to eat. Prince Charming did not understand why she had not.

"That would be awesome!" Prince Charming really loved the idea, and he tried to think of something. "Maybe we could have our picnic on the other side of the palace! I could ask the valets to change up the menu. Something totally new!"

"Something outside the palace."
"But we are outside the palace, right now."
"I'm going to go looking for the bards." The kingdoms' beloved bards had vanished one by one over the course of the week. The only clue was a lone feather, plucked from Pennyfeather's cap, found near the border to Sturmhägen.

"Oy! I would love to! That sounds like so much fun!"
"On horseback." The prince was not a good rider, and hated riding besides.
"I would love to!" Then he reconsidered. He could fall off and get hurt. "But I don't think I can, unfortunately," he said with some sorrow. He considered the future of his beautiful white shirts among a wilderness of thorned and staining berries, and became even more resolute in his opposition.

"I think I need to take a little break though, some time to myself. Like Rapunzel! You always liked that ballad about her."

"That sounds like fun. When do you think you'll be back?" He smiled at her.

"I'm going to Sturmhägen to look for the bards, remember?" Prince Charming continued to smile at her. Ella began to feel a little guilty. He had been so nice to her, and it would break his heart if she left. That was what the wish had stipulated. Oh, well.

Ella left the palace on horseback that same night. King Sigismund was delighted to hear of Ella's departure. The prince's infatuation had gone far enough; it was time to prepare him for a real marriage.

"Now you'll have time to catch up on your princely studies. Your cutlery usage lately has been wanting. Effective, perhaps, but failing to show the artistry and flair expected of a prince." Prince Charming nodded. He loved all of the different types of spoons, and didn't want to offend anyone by using the wrong one.

But wishes are dangerous things. Three days later, Prince Charming realized that he was unhappy. This had never happened before, and it caused him considerable confusion and distress. He felt forces beyond his control pulling him down a dark, slippery path; one made for people with hiking boots instead of soft slippers. Shortly thereafter, the figure of Prince Charming appeared in the stables.

"Adlerbeth, do you think I should change into something more appropriate for the outdoors if I'm going to Sturmhägen?"
"You don't own anything more appropriate for the outdoors, your highness."
Prince Charming had no time for silly obstacles. He was off: Into the unknown, in pursuit of his bride.

This story is a fan-fiction of The Hero's Guide to Saving a Kingdom by Christopher Healy, though so substantially altered in its telling as to be nearly unrecognizable.