The Fault in Our Hearts

"You can never trust anyone once you've had to trap them in a cage." - Matthew J. Kirby

Pikachu

Every part of me is sore, especially what's left of my ear. All I want to do is lay here and sleep, but I hear muffled voices and force my eyes open. I blink until the blurriness goes away and see my friends smiling at me in relief.

"Yay!" Eevee cheers. "It's Pikachu!" He licks my face until Absol tells him to give me some room.

I scan my surroundings. I think this place is called an exam room. The walls are a pale pink and have some white cabinets attached to them. There is a white counter with a sink and some drawers down the front. I'm lying on my stomach on one of those cushioned tables that patients sit on. I gingerly touch the stump on my head, try not to wince, and feel tiny grooves; stitches, I realize. Chansey did say something about that. The space around the stitches feels oddly smooth. Hairless, actually. They must have shaved that area to put the stitches in. I remember one time when Ash needed stitches in his head and had some of his hair shaved off because of it. Didn't matter much to Ash; he's worn ball caps as long as I've known him.

Sprout and Eevee are standing on either side of me. Wobbles is standing on a rolly-chair. Absol is big enough that he is able to rest his forepaws on the table and balance on his hindlegs.

And, the lights are on.

And, I'm not in the basement!

"Did I do it?" I ask breathlessly, perching myself up with my arms and hoping against hope. "Did-did I keep the lights on until the electrician came back?"

Wobbles claps her hands. "Well, no. The electrician came back shortly after you passed out. I hear Nurse Joy gave him an earful. Potentially unrelated, but I also heard something about a Snorlax being asleep on the road."

My arms almost give out. "How's Meowth?" I ask, dreading the answer.

"Oh, that's the good news!" Sprout exclaims, waving her leaves happily. "You held out long enough for his surgery!"

Wobbles leans forward and rests on her elbows, grinning at me. "And, you kept going even longer than thaaa-" She falls off the chair, bumping her head against the table - thank Arceus for the cushioning - and we all cringe at the resulting thud. The chair rolls into the wall.

"You okay?" Absol asks her. Up until now, he'd been staring at me like he was trying to read my mind.

"Never lean on a rolly-chair," she responds. She stands, and the top portion of her face appears over the table. "As the humans say, you just kept on chewing."

"I think you mean trucking," Sprout corrects.

"That doesn't make any sense," Wobbles says. She raises her hand and salutes me. "Anyway, you were charging the place long after Meowth was taken care of. I was both impressed and terrified."

I remember Nurse Joy coming down and telling me that the surgery was finished, that Meowth was alright. I was so happy to hear that I'd done well, that I'd managed to do something on my own for once. She told me there were no other cases that required power to handle, so I had almost halted my Thunderbolt.

Then, I started thinking about all the things that could go wrong. What if there was a problem even after the surgery? What if someone else came in and needed surgery? What if one of the pokemon was in worse shape than they'd initially thought? Someone could die, I thought, and it would be my fault. So, I kept going and going, not wavering when my cheeks ached and my head pounded and my skin felt like my fur was being ripped out.

"And then you died!" Eevee continues excitedly. "You died and then everyone shot you and I shot you too and you weren't dead anymore!"

Sprout explains what actually happened after I collapsed, and I am floored. Everyone who could do so used electric-type attacks to keep me alive when my own electricity ran out. And, Eevee learned Copycat on the spot which spurred on others to use similar attacks, generating more electricity. Even those who couldn't attack were either cheering on those who could or were begging me to wake up.

I don't even know most of their names.

If it wasn't for Eevee and all those strangers, I wouldn't be here. And, as a result, my pokeball would have shattered. Ash would have known I'd died but never would have known what happened. They saved him as much as they saved me.

"I don't know what to say," I say through the lump in my throat.

"No thanks are necessary," Eevee says, his head held high and his grin slightly smug. "I'm just great."

"Don't get an ego, kid," Wobbles warns. Eevee sticks his tongue out at her. Sprout and I just laugh.

Absol, however, has something else on his mind. "What's April first?"

My heart does a one-eighty.

"Is this the time?" Sprout asks.

"It may as well be." Absol straightens his shoulders as much as he while still leaning on the table. Large red eyes drill through me. "Being upset is understandable, even expected, after what happened in Hatterene's den. But then, this April first thing shows up, and-and you're a mess!" His usual no-nonsense demeanor is wavering, slowly being replaced with a wide-eyed desperation. This unflappable pokemon is scared. I've actually scared him. "If-if there's a problem, Pikachu… Look, you don't need to give us the details. Just give us something to go off of!"

The others fail to meet my gaze. They want to know too, but they aren't willing to ask themselves. Ash's birthday has been all I could think about since we found that newspaper. The power outage was a distraction, but even when I was keeping the power going, I kept thinking about Ash.

I could picture him down there, keeping an eye on me, because there's no way he would let me go down there alone. He would have kept my spirits up. He would have babbled about all the fun things we were going to do after the electrician came back, the ways we would celebrate his birthday and our anniversary. He would have seen that I was pushing myself too hard, grabbed me mid-Thunderbolt with his bare hands, and ripped me away because he's just that reckless and stupid and wonderful.

Hold it down, Pikachu. These guys have dealt with enough of your problems. You saved Meowth's life. You did something good and nothing bad came of it. Focus on that.

When I'm able to speak, my voice is quiet but miraculously steady, though I still can't bring myself to look at anything but the table. "April first is…is Ashton's birthday."

"Oh…" Sprout drawls sympathetically.

There is a moment of silence, broken by Wobbles saying, "Okay, am I the only one who doesn't know what that means?"

"See, humans always know the exact day of the year they were born," Sprout explains.

"Elaborate," Absol requests.

Sprout hums thoughtfully. "They have this way of keeping track of days, but it's kind of hard to explain. Just know that birthdays are- Mm, how do I put this? They're basically a celebration of the human being alive another year."

"Makes sense," Wobbles quips. "Humans are pretty delicate."

Keep it together, Pikachu. "We also met on his tenth birthday." Keep it together.

"Oh, Pikachu," Sprout soothes, brushing her leaf over my back.

"I still don't get it," Eevee says, snuggling up to me, "but I don't want you to be sad."

"Some things are making more sense, at least," Absol says.

I don't tell them what Zapdos said: that Ash might be able to understand pokemon now. If I tell them that, I know I'll fall apart. Is Ash talking to a pokemon right now? Maybe he's at the ranch and is chatting away with all his other pokemon. I remember how vague Zapdos was when I asked him to tell me more about Akari, the girl who could speak to all pokemon. Zapdos had said that if Ash was like her, then I would learn more on my own. What does that mean? Even if Zapdos was wrong, I missed seeing Ash become an adult. Did he get that tattoo he wanted? Can he drink alcohol now?

Just as I'm about to lose it, there's a knock at the door. I throw on what I hope is a neutral expression as the door opens. Absol hops off the table, and he and Wobbles step out of Nurse Joy's way.

"Hello there, Pikachu," Nurse Joy says with a wide smile. "Feeling better?" I nod, because I know she means physically. "Glad to hear it. You gave us quite a scare, you know." She unzips the bag hanging off her shoulder. "I just want to check on something. Hope you don't mind," she adds to my friends. Sprout and Eevee hang back while Nurse Joy pulls out a small black remote with wires dangling from it. She sticks one suction-cupped wire to each of my cheeks. Ever wary of humans, Absol walks up to her and gives the remote a cautious sniff. Nurse Joy scratches his head. "This is just to check his wattage. Nothing more." She turns on the machine, and the suction cups vibrate, my cheeks buzzing instinctively at the sensation. Nurse Joy then really looks at Eevee. "And, you're the little Copycat Eevee, aren't you? That was a brilliant idea you had."

She runs her free hand through his fur, and Eevee purrs loudly at the contact. "I sure am great," he boasts.

"It wasn't an idea. It was a deus ex machina," Wobbles corrects. She wags her hand at Nurse Joy, who has returned her attention to the device in her hand. "Stop giving him an ego."

The rest of us laugh, and Nurse Joy's mouth twitches upward at our amusement. The device dings, and Nurse Joy removes the suction cups from my cheeks and stores the device back in her bag. "Your wattage is still a little low, but it's not serious. Not anymore. A good night's sleep should take care of the rest."

A good night's sleep? How late is it? Does it matter?

I missed Ash's birthday. I missed our anniversary.

"Excuse me," a new voice says. "Is Pikachu up for visitors?"

Of all people, it's James that stands shyly in the doorway, still clad in his civilian disguise. Between that and the stench of cologne, I wouldn't have recognized him in the lobby if I hadn't known about Meowth's situation.

"Yes," Nurse Joy tells him, "he's doing well."

She says her goodbyes but James stops her at the door. "Um…would it be okay if I brought him to Meowth?"

What?

Nurse Joy smiles warmly at me. "I had a feeling that Meowth was a friend of yours." No one corrects her. To James, she says, "If they're both feeling up to it, I don't see why not."

James thanks her and lets her pass. Once she's gone, he clears his throat and fiddles with a button on his shirt. "I assume you all know who I am?" We all nod. "Right. Well…we told Meowth what you did, Pikachu, and he'd like to speak with you. We all would. Is that okay?"

Meowth wants to talk to me. He's awake.

I climb to my feet and Absol's horn in my face stops me from leaping off the table. "I'm coming with you."

I don't ask why. I don't care why. I just need to see Meowth for myself.

Absol insists on carrying me on his back as we follow James down the hall. No one speaks until we reach Meowth's room.

"He's a little groggy," James warns us, "but he's recovering quite well." His green eyes glisten with tears, but he is smiling at me. "I…I don't know how to thank you."

It's weird seeing a member of Team Rocket look at me with so much gratitude. Oddly embarrassed, I bury my face in Absol's long neck fur. He and James chuckle at my reaction.

"Want me to come in with you?" Absol offers.

"No, thanks," I say. "I feel like this is gonna be a private conversation."

"Alright. I'll be out here when you're ready."

I thank him and raise my hands toward James, who stares at me like I've just sprouted wings. Yes, James. I am letting you pick me up. Just this once.

James slowly, ever so slowly, lowers his hands toward me, waiting for some sign that I've changed my mind. When he does finally touch me, he lifts me up like I'm a bomb that will go off if he moves too quickly. I can actually see beads of sweat forming on his brow. Though, I can't say I blame him for being nervous.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't even let him get close. If he tried to reach for me, he'd find himself in a paralyzed heap on the floor. But, not today. Today, as far as I'm concerned, we are equals. Just two creatures who love with everything in us.

Come to think of it, James does love with everything in him. I've seen enough of his interactions with Jessie, Meowth, and Wobbuffet to know how much he cares about them. Not to mention all the pokemon he's had over the years. Looking back on pokemon like Wheezing and Mime Jr. and Inkay and all the others, it occurs to me how much James dotes on his pokemon. Granted, some of his old partners would attack him the second they jumped out of their pokeballs, but you could see in their eyes that it wasn't out of malice. Some folks just have…unique ways of saying hello.

Hell, how many of Ash's own pokemon have attacked him just because they were happy to see him? Charizard's weakened Flamethrower. Gible and Torterra, as a Turtwig, chomping down on Ash's head. All of the Tauros bowling him over at once. Even I myself will zap him on occasion. Ash never complains, not even when we go too far and actually hurt him. He knows this is our way of saying "I love you" without using words.

James must understand that too.

"Right," he says when I'm resting in the crook of his arm. "In we go."

Absol seats himself next to the door while James opens it. The room is pretty much the same as the one I was just in. Meowth is curled up on the cushioned table, Jessie is standing next to it, and Wobbuffet is standing on the rolly-chair. They look up when we enter.

"Well, if it isn't the man of the hour," Wobbuffet says with a grin and a salute. "How are you holding up?"

I shrug. "Well enough, I guess."

Jessie points to me, though her narrowed eyes are on James. "Are you holding Pikachu like a baby?"

James looks down at me, still processing, then looks back at her. "Um, I think."

"And, he's letting you?"

"I think."

Jessie and Meowth stare at us for a moment before Jessie shakes her head and mutters, "I reiterate, twerps make no sense." Evidently, she's forgotten that I let her do the same thing just last night. Then again, that was a vastly different situation.

James closes the door and sets me on the table. Meowth blinks sleepily at me, as if he'd just woken up, but his eyes are much clearer than they had been last night.

"How are you feeling?" I ask, my voice thick with emotion.

Meowth grunts and squints at me. "Depends. How many of you are there? Ah, don't make those faces. It's just the medicine. These doctors got me doped up on God-knows-what. I don't get it. I'm a pokemon, for pete's sake! We heal like it's nothing. Why do I need all this crap in my system?"

He's complaining. He really is okay. I didn't mess it all up. I actually saved him.

My eyes burn and my throat tightens. Meowth laughs awkwardly and looks anywhere else. "O-okay, bub. Let's, uh, let's not do that here."

I sniff, swipe at my eyes, and apologize. "I've been kind of a mess today."

"So, I hear." He gives his foreleg a few licks, though the furrow of his brow tells me that he's just trying to get his thoughts together. "Word on the street is that you had kind of a meltdown when you found out I was here, that you almost kicked it just to keep me going." He waves a paw dismissively. "I say that's bogus. You're not gonna risk your neck for someone like me."

He says it so casually, like he's commenting on the weather. "What do you mean, 'someone like you?'"

He rolls his eyes as if I'd said something incredibly stupid. "You know, a jerk. A villain. Do I need more synonyms, or are you getting this?"

Wobbuffet clears his throat. "Need I remind you that he saved me and Jessie just last night?"

"That's different," Meowth argues. "You guys were all in the same boat. In this case, it was just me on death's doorstep. No reason for Pikachu to get involved."

"Maybe I just wanted you to live," I say honestly.

Wobbuffet gestures to me. "Exactly. That's what I've been saying."

Meowth rolls his eyes again and snorts. "Please." He turns back to me. "You got no reason to want me around. I can buy you being a goody-two-shoes and keeping the power on, but these guys told me you flipped out the second you learned I needed surgery. Tell me what really happened, twerp."

"That is what really happened," Wobbuffet mutters. Meowth flicks him with his tail.

What really happened was that I realized how worthless I am if Ash isn't guiding me through life. Unless he tells me what to do, I just make a mess of things. I need to be with Ash if I want to get anything done.

I love Ashton Ketchum with every fiber of my being, and I don't want to use him like that. He doesn't deserve to be a mere crutch. He's always treated me like an equal. He respects me, encourages me.

That's why I have to keep trying. Even if I fail, I can't give up. Ash wouldn't like that.

"It's just…" I begin, fiddling with my hands. "It's been one bad thing after another lately. And, today…it was like something inside me just…broke. I wanted to keep the power on, but I didn't realize how far I'd taken it until I woke up on that table."

Meowth's eyes soften with understanding. "So, it was a last straw kind of thing, eh? I get that."

"I still would have done it!" I say quickly. "Kept the power on, I mean. I just wouldn't have gone overboard the way I did. You don't deserve to die, Meowth, especially not in such a horrible way."

Meowth frowns thoughtfully, drums his claws on the table. "Wow, um… I mean, I'm not complaining, but-"

"I can't take it anymore!" Jessie shouts suddenly. "I don't know what you're saying!"

"Jessie," James scolds, "you promised you'd let them have a moment."

"They've had more than a moment-"

"Jessica Musashi! After what those two have been through, they can have as many moments as they want."

My mouth drops open at James's harsh tone. I've never heard him talk back to Jessie before. I've never heard anyone talk back to Jessie before. And yet, Jessie doesn't retaliate like one would expect. She huffs and crosses her arms in defeat.

Wobbuffet smirks at my expression. "Jessie only takes a tone like that if she really likes you."

"Or, if you're the boss," Meowth adds, "but in that case, she doesn't have much choice." He scowls at Jessie and James and switches to human language. "Leave it to you chuckleheads to kill the mood. And now, I forgot what I was gonna say!" Jessie and James grin sheepishly. Meowth sighs. "You may as well say your piece, Jessie. Unless you got something to say to Pikachu?" he adds to Wobbuffet.

Wobbuffet shrugs helplessly. "I mean, all I can think of is thank you, but that seems kind of lame here."

"I don't think it's lame," I assure him. He smiles and turns his head shyly. I look up at Jessie, who avoids eye contact. "You wanted to say something?"

"Your move, Jess," Meowth paraphrases.

Jessie says nothing for a moment then sighs through her nose. "I think you already answered this, but," she gestures to Meowth, "it wasn't like I could tell at the time. So, I'll try again." She leans down, braces her hands against the table, and finally looks at me. Her pale blue eyes are so intense, I fight the urge to look away. "Why did you save us? Not just me and Wobbuffet, but Meowth too. At this rate, you'll probably save James from an alpha Beedrill or something."

"But," James says hastily, "I'd be just as happy if it never came to that."

Jessie ignores him. "We're enemies, and we've never been anything else. You almost died twice in the span of one day because of us, and that's not even getting into us kidnapping you and jump-starting this whole story, yet you still insist on helping us. Look at you!" She flaps her hand at my head. "If someone cut my ear off, I'd tear off both of theirs!"

"You didn't cut my ear off," I say.

Meowth translates, and Jessie snaps, "Oh, details! What's your angle, Pikachu? Why are you doing all this for us?"

"Why are you questioning it?" I shout. Jessie jumps back, shocked at my outburst even if she can't understand me. All my grief and frustration and self-hatred from the past few days finally boils over, like a pot of water left on the stove too long. I shouldn't yell, but it feels so good. "Why can't I just be nice? I just want to do good! Is that so wrong? I'm sick of messing up! I'm nothing without Ashton, and I hate that!" Tears pool in my eyes as the rush fades away, but I refuse to cry in front of Team Rocket. "I just want to feel useful for change. Without someone telling me how. Is that so hard to understand?"

I realize that everyone is gawking at me, and my face heats up. I can't believe I just said all that. In front of Team Rocket, no less. It's a small comfort that only two of them can understand me and Meowth was too stunned to translate.

Eventually, James clears his throat. "Uh, Meowth?"

"Um…" Meowth stares at me. I just shrug at him, exhausted in every sense of the word. "Um, basically-" He tries again in human words. "Basically, Pikachu is a goody-two-shoes who doesn't like seeing anyone get hurt."

I smile at him, grateful that he censored my rant so much. He winks at me. Beside him, Wobbuffet mimes zipping his lips.

It's almost like we're friends. In another life, maybe we would have been.

When Meowth doesn't say anything else, Jessie tosses her hands at her sides. "Seriously? I don't need to speak pokemon to know that's not what he said."

"Some things are for pokemon ears only," Meowth says, casually grooming his whiskers just to tick her off more.

"I accept the answer," James says before Jessie argue. "We all know that Pikachu isn't evil like us. None of the twerps are."

I don't know if "evil" is the word I would use for these guys. I'm not sure if it ever was. Maybe in the beginning, when they were just a bunch of crooks snaring me in a rubber net, but not now. Not in a long time, actually.

They're bad guys, but I don't think they're bad guys.

"So, what? That's it?" Jessie says to me in disbelief. "You did all this just because you're nice?" I smile at her and tilt my head. "But…huh."

James gives my head a scratch. "I guess some people, or pokemon, are just naturally selfless."

"Or, as I keep saying, twerps don't make any sense," Jessie says with a small smile.

I chuckle at the comment. "Well, you guys don't always make sense to me, so it kind of balances out."

Wobbuffet and Meowth laugh at that. The latter translates, and the humans laugh too. I'm bantering with Team Rocket. We're all laughing together. Maybe we all would have been friends in that other life. Maybe Ash would have too.

"You know, Jessie," I go on with Meowth's help, "you keep saying how I saved you guys, but you saved me too."

"What, you mean cleaning you up?" she asks. "You took care of that psycho in the shack." I inwardly cringe at her description of Hatterene. "I was simply returning the favor."

I shake my head. "I mean when she was attacking me in the kitchen. That knife may not have caused any damage, but it did distract her. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be here right now."

"You never mentioned that, Jessie," James says to her.

Jessie sputters a little then shrugs. "Well, he still pushed me and Wobbuffet out of the way of another attack first."

"I'm really grateful either way," I chuckle. "I wish I'd told you that sooner, whether you could understand me or not."

Now, Jessie's face is almost the same color as her hair. She puts her hands on her hips and turns away haughtily. "Oh, stop it. This whole day has been weird enough as it is."

Meowth opens his mouth to speak, but a yawn comes out instead. "Ignore that," he says.

James hums a laugh and scratches Meowth's ear. "And here, I thought Pikachu would tire out first," he teases.

"Pikachu isn't doped into oblivion," Meowth grumbles.

Wobbuffet pats his head. "Ah, the doctors mean well." He smiles sincerely at me. "For what it's worth, Pikachu, you seem to be doing alright without Ash."

"Aside from, you know, the obvious," Meowth adds with a smirk.

My chest warms at the praise. "I'm sorry I went off like that."

"With everything that's been going on," Wobbuffet says, "I'm impressed you didn't go off sooner."

"Amen to that," Meowth says through another yawn. His eyelids lower.

A soft smile pulls at my mouth. "I guess I'll leave you be." I start to turn away but decide at the last minute to give Meowth's forehead a gentle lick, right next to his gold coin-like appendage. His eyes are wide open now, and his mouth is slightly open as well. "Feel better, Meowth." I wink and add, "I look forward to blasting you guys off again. And, you can tell Jessie and James that as well."

With that, I leap off the table. I walk up to the door and look up at the humans. James is the closest, so he opens the door for me.

And, Absol falls face-first into the hard floor. I jump back and stare at him. I should have realized he wouldn't just let me be alone with Team Rocket.

He looks up at everyone, and his fur bristles. "Um… I wasn't listening." He rises to his feet and shakes out his pelt. "So, you're- I guess we're done here." His serious tone is back, but it's hurried by a horrible attempt to cover his embarrassment. I try not to let it amuse me too much. "Come on, Pikachu."

He whips around and saunters into the hall with his head held high. My attempt to not be amused is failing miserably. I wave goodbye to Team Rocket, who wave back with varying degrees of awkwardness, and I follow Absol out. James pulls the door shut.

Once we're alone in the hallway, Absol's bravado is gone. "I'm sorry," he says hastily. "I know I shouldn't have listened, but-but you've been… A-and, with them, I-"

"It's okay," I say. "I know I haven't been myself." Guilt creeps over me. "I really scared everyone, didn't I?"

Absol doesn't answer, but he doesn't have to. The way his eyes dart to the side is answer enough. He sees my expression, and quickly barks, "It's okay! Yeah, we were scared, but you came through, right? And, so did Meowth. Everyone made it. That's what matters."

I suppose he's right. "Still, I shouldn't have taken it as far as I did. I was just so scared of something going wrong…"

Absol smiles in understanding and shakes his head. "Ash isn't here, so you don't have to worry so much."

I frown at the words. "What does Ash have to do with anything?"

Absol tilts his head, regarding me thoughtfully. "Do you remember what happened when everyone revived you?"

I rack my brain, but nothing comes to me. "The last thing I remember is passing out in the basement."

Absol's head lifts up. I turn around and see two doctors coming out of a room and talking to each other. "Let's find somewhere private," he says.

We find an empty exam room, and Absol closes the door behind us, leaving it slightly ajar since neither of us reach the doorknob. Well, theoretically, Absol could open it, but that would be difficult.

When he doesn't say anything, I ask, "What happened when they revived me?"

Absol grimaces, as though afraid to tell me. "You were…crying. And, apologizing to Ash."

Really? If that's true, then I can see why he's so worried. "I don't remember that."

"I'm not surprised. You were pretty out of it." He lowers himself to the ground, laying on his stomach so that we're almost at eye-level. "Do you wanna talk at all?"

Talk about what? How I screw things up all the time? How I'm nothing but a puppet, unable to do anything unless Ash is pulling my strings?

But, Meowth is alive, I remind myself. I did that on my own.

"Ash has been on my mind all day," I confess. "I've been thinking about him since we were separated, but you know why today was so much worse." Absol nods, though I know he still doesn't quite understand. He wouldn't push if I stopped there, but maybe I should get this out of me. I'm so sick of holding it in. "I know he isn't here, but…but he's still in my head. It's like I can see him, hear his voice. He's always with me, and…and I don't want to let him down."

Absol laps at the tears I hadn't noticed and pulls back with a soft smile. "I get it. Trainers have expectations. But, Pikachu, no one here is asking for perfection. No one's going to take away your food or smack you around if you don't perform well."

His voice is calm, as if those words are completely normal. "Ash wouldn't do that," I assure.

"Well, however he does it. The point is that Ash isn't going to punish you." Absol's tone is so matter-of-fact that my heart breaks. "You don't have to push yourself to the breaking point with us. You're safe, Pikachu."

"You had a trainer, didn't you?" I voice it like a question, but I already know the answer.

"I did. So, I know what they're like." No, he doesn't. He sees my face and backtracks. "But, if you're happy in that life, that's fine. You've had a lot of good things to say about Ash, and I won't deny that there are positives to living with a human. I wasn't happy, but if you feel that the rewards outway the risks, then that's fine. I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life-"

"That's not normal." Absol gives me a funny look. I hate being the one to tell him this, but he needs to know. As far as I know, he's the only one of the team who's ever had a trainer; the others can't say it with the certainty I can. "What you're describing, it's not normal, Absol." His face is carefully blank. "Trainers don't punish you for your failures. They encourage your success. When you're down, they build you back up. They're friends, family, not…not tormentors." I rest my hand on his huge paw, trying to keep my voice level for his sake. "Trainers love us as much as we love them. Your trainer was the exception, Absol, not the rule. I'm sorry."

Absol's face is still blank, but there's a tightness to his jaw and his fur is bristling. He shakes his head hard, as if that will shake the thoughts out. "We're getting sidetracked." He's back to his clipped, professional leader voice, though his eyes betray his discomfort. "We're talking about you right now."

I didn't want to hurt him, but someone had to tell him the truth, and I'm the only one who can. Maybe that's the problem. None of the others have any experience with trainers beyond what they've seen in passing. Maybe Absol never felt comfortable discussing his experiences because of that. They might not even know he had a trainer. But, I have one, so Absol must feel more comfortable talking with someone who understands.

Well…someone he thought understood.

Absol returns to the matter at hand, and I let him. I won't force him to talk about his trainer, no matter how many questions I have about them. "So, Ash won't…won't punish you. Then, what's all this about? Being kind is one thing, but this is… What is all of this, Pikachu?"

I was prepared to tell him the truth, to moan and groan about how small I feel around Ash sometimes, but how can I do that now? Absol's trainer outright abused him, from the sound of it. How can I be all woe-is-me over something that I know I do to myself, when Absol's trainer was so awful?

But, I know I have to say something. "It's like I told Meowth. Something just broke in me today." A heavy sigh escapes me when I realize that there is one thing he might understand. Albeit, for a different reason. "You ever feel like…like you're just…an object? Like you can't do anything unless someone else tells you to?"

Absol chews on that for a moment. "To an extent."

"Ash and I have done so many amazing things together, but everyone only remembers Ash. And, why wouldn't they? I never do anything right unless he tells me how."

"I wouldn't say that," Absol assures.

But, I shake my head. "Well, I would. Don't get me wrong. I love Ash so much. And, if he knew how I felt, he would bend over backwards to make me feel better. But, I don't want that. I don't want him to feel like it's his fault, and I know he would! He takes his role as a trainer very seriously. Happiness and safety are his priorities when it comes to his pokemon. You don't know how many times he nearly got himself killed for us. Arceus, it's like he has no sense of self-preservation! Drives us all insane." At this point, I both remember that Absol is here and realize that he is fighting a grin. "What's with the face?"

"Oh, the bush is calling the tree a plant, is all."

"What do you mean?"

He sniffs a laugh. "I'm just thinking of something Wobbles said. It's not important."

Okay then. "The point is that Ash is this-this amazing person, this unstoppable force of nature. And, I'm just…me. I'm just his pokemon, someone who sits on his shoulder and battles sometimes. I'm basically a mascot."

"Well, I don't know what a mascot is," Absol says, "but I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit."

"If you knew Ashton, you wouldn't be saying that. He's always looking out for others, even total strangers, and he's good at it. He gets along with everyone. He could charm a rampaging Primeape. Which he has actually done!" I realize I'm getting worked up and force myself to breathe. I've never told anyone all this before. I'm not even through yet, and I already feel lighter. "I want that. I want to be kind and selfless and not make a mess of it. That's all I want. But, I can't seem to get anything right unless Ashton tells me how to do it! And, I…I hate myself for it." The words are out now. I can't take them back. I don't know if I want to.

Absol seems to stare right through me. "If Ash knew you felt this way," he says carefully, "how would he react?"

I don't need to think about it. "He would hate himself even worse. When something goes wrong, he always takes all the blame! Even when it's not his fault and there's nothing he can do about it!"

I had thrown my hands on my head at the end, and now my fingers graze the stump where my ear should be. The emptiness of the spot shoots through my heart. If I know Ashton Ketchum, he's already overwhelmed by guilt he doesn't deserve. He's replaying the events on the S.S. Anne in his mind and wondering why he didn't see through Team Rocket's disguises.

When he sees this empty space… Arceus, it will destroy him.

"Ash isn't the only one," Absol says, oblivious of my inner turmoil. "You seem to have a habit of taking the blame as well. The whole mess with Hatterene is a prime example."

"I ruined her." I don't realize I've spoken until the words are out of my mouth.

Absol gives me a hard look. "Did you tell her to attack you? Did you cause her psychosis? Did you leave her there for years with the promise to come back? No! What you did was show her kindness when no one else would. Did it end well? No, but it wasn't because of anything you did." He licks my forehead. "Sometimes, bad things just happen. We can't always prevent them, and we can't always work around them."

"I know."

"Then, why are you blaming yourself?"

Because, I…I…

My mind blanks.

Absol goes on, a genuine smile on his face. "You know, you keep talking like Ash is better than you, but from what I'm hearing, you two have a few things in common. And, if he's half as good as you are, then he's a human even I'd like to meet."

I don't know if it's his question about blame, if it's the idea of someone thinking I'm on the same level as Ashton, or if I'm just really tired, but my composure snaps. Sobs erupt from my throat, tears pour down my cheeks. Before I know it, I'm burying my face in Absol's neck, and he's nuzzling me as all of my pain bursts out of me.

Part of me resents breaking down, expects me to be strong like Ash. But, that part is…quiet. Present, but quieter than usual. There's something…freeing about this.

And, Ash wouldn't want me to be strong. The thought hits me out of nowhere, but it's true. Humans as a species aren't fond of negative feelings. They wouldn't hate you for having them, but they don't encourage acting on them either, not publicly at least. Females have it easier, but people are really strict with males, at least from what I can tell. But, Ash isn't like that. He knows that pokemon of all genders wear their hearts on their pelts, and he's made it clear that he doesn't want us to bottle things up just because he does it.

It's like I can feel him holding me, kissing my head. Absol is a comfort, but he's not Ashton. No one is.

No one is Ashton Satoshi Ketchum. No one can ever be him.

So…why am I trying?

I admire Ashton's courage, his determination, his unlimited capacity for love. He isn't perfect. He throws himself into danger and isn't always the brightest star in the sky. But, who cares? Perfection doesn't exist.

So, why am I trying to be perfect?

I've made a lot of mistakes, but I've done good things too, haven't I?

I know what Ashton would say. He'd tell me I'm awesome, not because I'm perfect, but because I'm Pikachu. He'd say how proud he was that I tried my best, even if I failed.

He loves me, and I love him.

Because neither of us is perfect.

As my sobs die off, I can feel Absol fidgeting against me and pull back. I'm about to apologize for making him uncomfortable, but something feels off. Not in a bad way, just the opposite. There's a pleasant warmth in me. It's like when I cuddle with Ash but…different?

I look down and realize that I'm glowing pink. And, sparkling? I squint. Are those tiny hearts?

"What the…" I mutter.

"I don't know," Absol's voice is strained, "but it kind of hurts, whatever it is. But-but, it's not that bad," he quickly lies.

I'm barely listening. The glow fades, the warmth with it. I want it back. It's absence makes me miss Ash more than ever. I need to get home. I need to return to his side, where I know I belong.

Return. The word sticks out in my mind. When a pokemon learns an attack spontaneously, even one they've never seen before, they instantly know what it is and, if they already have four moves at their arsenal, what it's replaced. It's instinct, I suppose.

Quick Attack is a thing of the past. I liked that move, but I have no complaints about my new moveset.

"I won't tell Wobbles if you won't," Absol says.

"Return," I say, a real smile slowly pulling at my mouth. "It's a move. It's called Return."

Absol hums with interest. "Return, huh? Well, that solves the mystery of the pink glow. Maybe Wobbles will leave you alone now."

I chuckle. "Somehow, I doubt it."

Absol grins. "So, does this mean you're feeling better?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

He narrows his eyes. "For what?"

"For…" I laugh at myself and toss my hands in the air. "For being sorry, I guess."

Absol shakes his head good-naturedly and rises to a sitting position. "Well, if we're done here, the gang's probably wondering where we are." He stands and nods at the door. "Shall we?"

"Yeah," I say. Absol sticks his horn in the crack in the doorway. Before he can open it, I add, "I'm leaving."

He pauses, removes his horn, and looks at me over his shoulder. "Pardon?"

"I'm leaving, Absol. I'm getting out of here, and I'm going to keep looking for Ash."

Absol turns around fully and fixes me with a "what is wrong with you" kind of look. "You almost died."

I nod. "Twice in one day, yes."

"And, you want to leave the Pokemon Center now."

"You heard Nurse Joy. All I need now is a good night's sleep. I can get that anywhere."

"And, your stitches?"

"They use a special kind here that dissolve as your wound heals."

"Do I want to know how you know that?"

"Probably not. But, I should be fine as long as I keep it clean and don't battle for a while."

Absol looks up at the ceiling, praying for strength. Then, he lowers his head and states, "I can't decide if you're insane or just stupid."

I grin and shrug. "You heard Jessie. I'm a twerp. I don't make any sense."

Absol rolls his eyes, but there's a small smile on his mouth. "Well, at least you're in good spirits." He starts to turn back to the door then frowns and says to me, "You know you can talk to me, right? I know I'm not always the most tactful 'mon, but I'll listen. We all will."

Guilt pricks at me. "I know. I should have said something sooner. I just…" I suddenly find it hard to look at him. "You guys have been so kind to me. I just don't want to be more of a burden than I already am."

Absol sighs. "Pikachu, look at me." I do as I'm told. "You're not a burden, Pikachu. You didn't force us to help you. We like you. That's why we've stuck with you for so long and why we're going to see this through. And, at this point, I think we all want to meet your trainer. But mostly, we just care about you." My throat tightens, this time in a good way. Then, Absol frowns, not looking at me. "Speaking of trainers…do they care? About their pokemon?"

My heart sinks at the question. "How bad was your trainer?"

I must have answered his question, because he turns back to the door. His voice is a little too tight when he responds. "She…she was a scientist. She and some others. There were experiments."

Experiments. Mew's tail. "Do our friends know?"

"You know everything they do. It's not a secret, but it's not something I enjoy talking about." I don't push the matter. He clears his throat, his leader voice back in place as he wedges his horn into the doorway. "Let's get back to the others."

"I'll catch up," I say as he opens the door. "I wanna say goodbye to Team Rocket first." I get the feeling they'd worry if I just vanished.

"What do you mean, you had an epiphany?" Meowth asks.

When I came in, he had been sound asleep. I was torn because I couldn't exactly talk to everyone without him. Wobbuffet had offered to reiterate what I said when he woke up, but Jessie shook Meowth awake with a song of, "Wakey, wakey, please translate-y." Then, Meowth complained that now he wouldn't get to "play with that hot Meowscarada." (I didn't want to know.) James, not quite as apprehensive about touching me as he was earlier, had lifted me on to the table beside Meowth, where I had stood before.

"Epiphany, my ass!" Jessie growls at me, slamming her hands on the table. "You're staying here if I have to hold you down myself!"

James much more calmly begs, "You've been through a lot, Pikachu. I don't know if leaving so soon is a good idea."

"I don't care," I say. "My ear… Er, that spot kind of hurts when you touch it, but that's the worst of it. I need to find Ash, and I've wasted too much time as it is. I looked out the window, and there's still light out. I want to get moving before night falls."

"What's he saying, Meowth?" James asks.

Meowth shakes his head pityingly. "He's stubborn. That's the long and short of it."

"Isn't there any way we can convince you otherwise?" Jessie asks, exasperated. When I shake my head, she looks up at the ceiling the same way Absol did earlier.

Wobbuffet speaks for the first time. "I get it, Pikachu. If I lost Jessie, I'd be the same way."

"Hey," Meowth says, "what are James and I, chopped liver?"

Wobbuffet laughs. "You know what I mean."

Meowth growls under his breath. "No, I don't." His tone is offended, but there's a hint of a smile on his mouth.

"You guys are all just…a family, aren't you?" I say.

Wobbuffet salutes with a grin. "Yeah, we're basically siblings."

Meowth nods. "We have our roles. Jessie's the bossy one, James is the peacemaker, Wobbuffet's the quiet one," he raises his chin haughtily, "and I'm the pretty one."

"Isn't the pretty one usually the stupid one?" Wobbuffet jests.

Meowth hisses at the comment and playfully swings his claws at Wobbuffet. Wobbuffet ducks back and flails his hands in front of him while making a weird "eeehhh" noise. Both start giggling at that, and I find myself laughing at the display as well.

Why have I never noticed this before? I knew they were all friends, but I never realized just how close they were. As sweet as the thought is, it makes me even more homesick.

"Okay, now what's happening?" Jessie asks.

Meowth's whiskers twitch happily. "Eh, we're just goofing around. It's a guy thing."

James hums a laugh, and Jessie sighs and mutters, "We need more women on this team."

"Back on topic," James says to me. "Pikachu, are you absolutely certain you're fit to travel?" I nod, but he doesn't seem convinced. "Must have been quite the epiphany."

"Yeah," Meowth says, "what's that about, anyway?"

It's about remembering that no one expects me to be a clone of Ash, but I'm not ready to get into that mess. "Let's just say…that there are some things I need to work on."

Meowth makes the comment of, "What the hell does that mean?" before translating for the humans. Jessie makes a frustrated noise, and James only frowns deeper.

"Whatever it means," Wobbuffet says, saluting me once more, "I wish you the best of luck."

"Thanks," I respond. An idea pops in my head. "Hey, if you guys see Ash before I do, can you give him a message?"

"Of course," Wobbuffet says.

Meowth looks up at the humans. "He wants us to tell the twerp something."

Jessie shrugs. "Uh, yeah, sure."

"It's the very least we can do," James adds.

I debate on what I want to tell Ash. I love you. Please don't hate yourself over this. I learned a new move that makes me feel like you're holding me and I really want to feel that for real. That's all way too personal for Team Rocket. The lines between us may have blurred today, but we're not that close.

"Just tell him that I'm okay," I decide. "And, don't get a tattoo without me." I figure he could get a laugh out of that.

Meowth translates, looking a little confused.

James cups his chin thoughtfully. "A tattoo, you say. Is he old enough?"

"What's today?" I don't know why I'm asking. Maybe some part of me is still holding out hope.
Meowth glances at the calendar on the wall. "It's April first."

Another crack in my heart. "He's old enough." Happy birthday, Ashton.

"Ouch," Wobbuffet says sympathetically.

Meowth looks at me with pity and maybe a little guilt before saying, "Sounds like the twerp just turned eighteen."

Jessie scoffs. "Don't tell me that. It makes me feel old."

"Don't," Wobbuffet warns when Meowth opens his mouth.

"If we see Ash," James says to me, "we'll pass on your message."

I nod gratefully and register that he just used Ash's name. I didn't know these guys knew his name. Meowth and Wobbuffet sure, since they can understand me, but Jessie and James? I guess it makes sense. We've seen enough of each other over the years that it would be weird if they didn't know his name. I'm just so used to these guys calling him a twerp.

"Well, I guess I'll get out of your hair," I say.

As I turn to leave, Meowth calls to me. He fidgets with his paws and looks generally uncomfortable. "Um, thanks. For…you know."

There's something endearing about how awkward he sounds. "Of course."

On that note, I leap off the table and let James open the door.