Chapter Fifteen

I didn't sleep well. Each time I got settled in, I found myself lurching in bed, doomed to my bickering internal conflict for hours to come. I felt so incredibly stupid and dense and oblivious and callous. I threw my arm across my forehead and let out a huff, not even daring to check the clock. Why was I such a moron? I was certain I had shattered Kai's heart. After everything he had done for me, how could I? Moreso, how could I be so blind? The evening kept replaying in my mind and each time, I cringed deeper. I had frozen to the absolute core. I was so stunned, my mind just shut down. Those stupid little turtle instincts I thought I'd left on the docks in The City had followed me after all. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I groaned inwardly. Oh, woe is me, you idiot.

I turned on my side, heaping my quilt atop me. Me? Kai's girlfriend? The past season of our friendship had been so carefree. It had transcended every social red tape barrier I had ever hurdled in my life. I thought it was all so easy and simple and safely chartered. It was okay that Kai liked me. Actually, very flattering. That wasn't even the problem. I groaned out loud this time, pressing my face into my pillow. The issue was me, the idiot. The moron. I was stupid and dense and oblivious and callous. I thumped my hand against the mattress for every single adjective that applied to me. My mind was a scrambled, tangled ball of yarn. I so dearly wanted a time machine.

I rolled onto my back, resigning to staring at the ceiling. I laced my hands over my stomach as I clenched and unclenched my jaw. The only thing I missed about The City was the anonymity. It was easy to fold into crowds. It was easy to fly under the radar and move about society utterly unrecognized. If I tripped and spilled my tray at the foodcourt at the mall, I could leave and come back the next day and not see a single person from the day before. Changing my shirt every day was enough for my landlord to always inquire if I was a tenant when he caught me walking through the courtyard to my door. I lived there for three years. To suddenly be so recognized and also at the mercy of a thirty strong population made me antsy and nervous and even nauseous. There was no avoiding Kai without being over the top. And besides, I couldn't.

It was me, I reminded myself as I thumped my hand against the mattress, that was stupid and dense and oblivious and callous.

…

When the first soft rays of morning light began to inch around my curtains, I was laying on my stomach, the side of my face pressed deep into my pillow. It felt like I hadn't slept a wink. Anxiety was riveting against me and I resigned to the fact I wasn't going to be dozing off anytime soon. I packed quickly into my duffel bag and slung it over my shoulder. A hot shower was at the front of my mind as I pushed my feet into my sandals. It was early enough, too, I wouldn't run into Kai. I stepped out into the cool morning air. The sky was glowing with pinks and dark blues as the sun threatened to spill across Mother Hill. Despite not getting any sleeping done, I realized I had also done no thinking. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to say to Kai.

My sandals scuffed against the red brick as I began down the quiet, deserted path. Of course I wanted to apologize for freezing up. I was so sorry for just losing my head in the heat of an intense social situation. I didn't want to hurt him. I had so much I wanted to say. I just couldn't get my mouth to form the words. I sighed and shook my head, gripping the strap of my duffel bag. I couldn't say that to him, though. There was no way for that to land softly – it would only hurt more. Besides, he probably understood just how socially blind I was by that point.

What was so hard about last night? I could only wallow in my discombobulated thoughts. I turned the corner, coming into the sunlight that pierced through Duke and Manna's vineyard, gleaming across the velvety skins of their plump grapes. Why did I have to freeze up? That's what I always did. The moment something went off the script I had taken the liberty of writing in my mind, I just stopped. The entire manuscript erased itself and I was stuck before an audience full of confused anticipation. It wasn't fair, I thought to myself. I would much rather lose my top and blurt out everything from my mind, overriding my filter. At least there wouldn't be this weird, awkward tensity in the aftermath. I couldn't even begin to imagine what Kai thought of me now.

Oh, but I knew, I told myself as I pushed through the door to the inn. Stupid, dense, oblivious, callous. The inn was deserted, naturally. It was barely a quarter after five. I heard through the kitchen window some shuffling of pots and pans. The morning breakfast was being prepped to hit the griddle. Knowing Kai was just a floor above me suddenly put me on edge. He said himself he had a busy day. What if that meant waking up early? I couldn't see him yet. I still hadn't had that hot shower to capture my bearings. The next time I faced him, I wanted to be prepared.

My sandals flapped against the ground as I tried to make a stealthy dash across the wide open dining hall. If Ann was in the kitchen, I wanted to avoid her boisterous greeting, which was loud no matter what time of the day it was. I was sure she'd have questions, too. I never showed up at the break of dawn for a shower. Already, my day was off to an odd start. I took the steps slowly, using my childhood power of sensing which stairs would creak. The hallway was still dark, the overhead light switched off. Only the soft glow of dawn painted the walls of framed photos. I was quick to dart diagonally, ducking into Ann's room.

I pressed myself to the door and sighed, feeling safe once more. When I opened my eyes, however, the first thing I noticed was Ann's bed was empty, but it wasn't made. She always tucked her sheets back under the mattress dutifully. A few lamps were on in the room, emanating an orange glow. The curtains were still closed. The bathroom door opened suddenly, sending the bright light slanted across the room. Ann came out, dabbing her face with a damp towel. Her vibrant red hair was wet and wavy. I had never seen it down before. The young woman was still in her pajamas, a pastel purple tank top and white silk shorts.

Ann stopped abruptly and gasped, clutching her towel to her chest, when she realized someone else was in the room. She let out a sigh of relief when our eyes met and she now held the linen at her side. "Goodness gracious, Claire, you scared the heck out of me!" She sighed, frisking her hand through her hair. "I thought you were one of the boys!"

"Sorry," I said, trying to sound casual. I pushed away from the door. "I was hoping to get a shower."

Ann turned the white bulbs on at her vanity, tilting her freshly washed face back and forth. She then looked over her shoulder at me. "Sure, go ahead. Should be plenty of hot water." I began across the room like a woman on a mission, but Ann spoke again, halting me. "Hey, I just realized what time it was," she said, holding her sterling watch in her palm. "What're you doing here?"

"The.. the heat," I replied, barely turning towards her. "I woke up sticky."

"But… aren't you about to work in the heat for a couple hours?"

"Yeah, I'm trying a new routine," I offered a smile and a bob of my head. "I'm seeing if I'm more productive if I shower and eat first instead."

Ann furrowed her brow. "You know if you need help you can ask. I can take off after the lunch rush and you know Kai is always chompin' at the bit to benefit his shack."

"Oh, of course," I said, feeling my blood pulsate when I heard his name. "I've got it all handled. Just shaking it up, that's all."

She was sitting at her vanity now, arranging her jars of moisturizing creams and foundations. Ann furrowed her brow as she looked at me, her blue eyes inspecting every inch of me. Slowly, Ann turned her head, as if she were piecing something together. "You're acting strange, Claire."

"I'm not trying to."

"Did something happen?" Ann ran her fingers through the silky cream and began working it into her cheeks. "You're acting like you're avoiding something. Did you catch your house on fire?"

I wish. I laughed and shook my head, though. "Really, Ann, I'm fine."

Ann sat back from her mirror. "Rick denied you a chicken?"

"Nope."

"The tomatoes were rotten inside?"

"Juicy and seedy."

She lowered her compact mirror, slowing on the dust of her makeup brush. Ann's eyes snapped to me. "Please don't tell me this is about Kai leaving early."

"No!" I was quick to shoot back. "I just – I'm going to take a shower, alright?"

"Oh, hold on!" Ann shouted, leaping from her vanity and sprinting to intercept my path.

"Shh," I said, shaking my head furiously. "We're going to wake everyone up!"

"To hell with them," she waved her hand dismissively. "What is it about Kai?!"

I straightened up, failing to mask my exasperation as I licked my tense lips. My knuckles were white as I gripped the strap of my duffel bag. "It's nothing," I told her flatly. "It really doesn't matter."

"That's not good enough for me," Ann crossed her arms over her chest. That look of determined, almost defiant, hardened passion in her eyes struck me for a moment. It was very clear Ann cared for me. Over the course of seven weeks, I had been so lucky to also build a relationship with this vibrant girl. She was fiercely loyal, she was a great listener, and even better at dishing out witty comebacks. Ann stuck her hip out, as if to cement in her presence. "Whose ass do I need to kick?"

"You know, a hot shower would really make this easier," I negotiated.

Ann relented… kind of. As I showered, Ann stayed in the bathroom where she continued getting ready for the day. I heard her shuffling all of her things as she cluttered them onto the porcelain counters. The warm water was rejuvenating as it ran in beads down my tense body. As I wet my hair, Ann spoke up.

"So, what did this moron do?"

I sighed, squeezing the shampoo into my palm. "He's not the moron. I am."

"Do tell," Ann said, plugging her straightener in.

The lilac shampoo became fragrant as I began working into my straight, blond hair. "Last night, Kai came over because he found a bottle of wine in his pantry."

"Classic," she clucked her tongue as she ran a brush through her hair. "Brews and foods! Gods, he is not creative. I thought an older, more experienced Kai would have shaken it up by now."

I paused, my hair suddy with lilac foam. I peaked around the shower curtain, watching Ann begin to straighten her hair. "For someone who has said he's your friend, it really doesn't sound like that."

"Oh, I don't mean to come off that way," Ann cast a fleeting glance over her shoulder. "I do like him, strictly as a friend. I don't really see him as boyfriend material. If anything, he's a flight risk. But I like him just fine when we're having a few drinks and a good meal." Ann lowered the straightener and waved her hand. "So, what happened next? He kissed you? You let him seduce you?"

"What? No!" I disappeared back into the shower, tilting my head back to wash the shampoo out. "We talked, that's all."

"But something else happened."

"Well, yes. Things got awkward," I replied, rubbing water along my face.

"Because he tried to awkwardly hug you?" Ann's voice rose an octave at the end.

"No."

"Well, did he try to establish contact? Come on, Claire, you're being vague."

I sighed as I pulled the next bottle into my hand. "Kai asked me… to be his girlfriend. He told me all these kind words about how much he admired me and liked me. He went on and on, Ann, with sweet compliments and he was patient in his feelings and carefully laid all the pieces out for me. Like a freaking perfect play in Risk."

"You weren't drunk, were you?"

"Not even close, that's the worst part," I practically groaned as I rinsed my hair with the silky conditioner. I ripped the wash cloth off the spigot and shook my head as I lathered it up. "He did everything right by my standard. Granted, I've never had anything like this happen before but – it was thought out. And I believe what he said, Ann."

"So…" Ann furrowed her brow as she uncapped her eyebrow brush. "Where does this get awkward?"

"With me!" I exploded, now uncaring of making noise. "I didn't say anything. Nothing smart, at least. I had no words, it was so embarrassing. He just sat there and stared at me. He asked me to say something."

"And you were just silent?" Now Ann herself was beginning to sound shocked.

"Well, not completely," I sighed, scrubbing at my arms. "But everything I said wasn't right."

"Okay, okay, hold on," Ann closed the lid of the toilet and sat on it, folding a knee against her chest. "Let's back up for one second. First of all, how do you feel about Kai?"

I squeezed the rag in my hands. "He's a good friend. He's really helped me settle in here."

"But you don't see him in any way as boyfriend material?"

"I mean – Well, he – I don't know," I was so agitated I felt like putting my hand through the tile. Instead, I cut the water, listening to it whirl down the drain. "Can you grab me a towel please?"

After I wrapped myself up, I stepped out from the tub and approached the mirror. I reached for Ann's brush and began straightening my bangs along my forehead. I could feel her gaze on me intensely. Once again, I was failing to find the words. I clenched my jaw for a moment and flared my nostrils. Frustration now peaked along my skin.

"I think he's a wonderful guy," I finally said, continuing to brush my hair. I then walked out into the room, pulling my clothes out for the day. "When he learns something about you, he doesn't forget it. His gifts are thoughtful and always from the heart. He doesn't pressure you, he doesn't make you overthink. He's Kai. Simple as that." I shrugged as I stepped out of sight, dropping my towel and getting dressed.

Ann was still sitting in the bathroom, her brow furrowed, as she digested what I said. "So… what you're saying is you would date him?"

"That's my problem," I came back around the corner dressed in a blue and white striped t-shirt and jeans. "He's done everything right and still there's something in the back of my mind holding me back."

"Yeah, probably your common sense," Ann left the bathroom now and grabbed her sneakers that were resting on a stool. "Besides," she sat down, wrangling her shoes on. "He's leaving and will be gone for months. You won't even get to see him. I don't know why he bothered to say anything."

I stood in the doorway of the bathroom, the bright light streaming over my shoulder. I bobbed my head as the realization truly dawned on me. Kai was leaving. "You're right."

The young woman paused, her elbows on her knees, as she gazed at me from across the room. "What really was holding you back?"

"It's all uncharted territory," I shrugged. "There's no going back if things go wrong… right?"

"Yeah… maybe more often than not."

"That's what's so stupid about all of this," I couldn't help but laugh breathily as I shook my head back and forth. I crossed the room. "I don't want anything to change. I am so afraid of that. But the whole reason I came here was for change. So what should be so hard about any of this?"

"Oh, come on," Ann stood, grabbing her cardigan off the coat hook. "You're talking about a man who has a face that lights up for a bowl of gravy. Don't let him get to you. This will blow over. He's the king of casual, Claire."

Those words were somewhat comforting to hear. Ann was right. Kai never got into the weeds about anything. Surely before he left, we'd still have time for another laugh, another joke. We would chuckle over my stunned stillness and my brain just completely melting. We'd find a way to make the best of an awkward and cringeful situation. That didn't completely heal my anxiety, however. I still felt incredibly stupid. I waxed and waned between wanting to see Kai and also wanting to climb under my bed and let the darkness consume me. Ann wrangled her cardigan over her shoulders, crossing to make her bed, the final thing she still needed to do.

"You know, I wonder," Ann said as she fluffed her pillow and began pulling her sheets up. Coyly, she eyed me from beneath her thick, dark lashes. "Does this… have anything to do with Gray?"

I was very still after she spoke. My hands were on my hips, my head tilted forward, as I processed what she said. There she was, the third person to say his name in a way that still confused me. And, actually, somewhat frightened me. There was that feeling that was as dense as cake. Was I not seeing something? Was there a signal blasting through everyone's brain except mine?

I could hear the cicadas in my ears again, the sensation of Gray's warm lips touching mine. It was a very exciting kiss. I had never compared it to kissing Kai, but at that moment, Ann had stopped making the bed, her eyebrows arched as she watched my internal conflict wage on. Kissing Gray had been better. But how? What were those ten years between us? What did they boil down to in his mind? For me, I had just missed the safety. The ability to so seamlessly be with someone who never had me second guessing myself. But what did it mean for Gray? Why did he kiss me?

"We're all just friends," I finally said out loud, as if that over simplification would ease my own mind. Ann didn't seem completely sold, but she still yielded the floor to me. "I mean – this has been the best summer of my entire life, I think – as pathetic as that may sound. I don't want it to end like this."

Ann smiled as she finished tucking the sheets beneath the mattress. Her face almost had a sisterly glow to it as she came towards me, pressing her hands to my arms. "Trust me when I say it's going to be fine. You'll get a chance to talk to Kai and clear the air. And after he's gone…" Ann's smile turned a bit deviant. "You can smooch Gray all you want and be honest with yourself."

We fell into laughter over this and I shook my head as I pulled away from her. But we both stopped abruptly in the next moment and stood in silence. Next door, we were beginning to hear noise. The boys were up. There was some muted back and forth between two deeper voices and the sound of a stool scraping. We heard the old pipes creak as someone did something in the bathroom. But then, a door opened and voices clearly flooded through the door of Ann's room.

"... what, you're not talking to me now?" Came Gray's riled up voice. "I don't even know what the hell you're talking about, I've been awake for half an hour!"

"Yeah, whatever, Gray," it was Kai's flat voice. "Use your excuses, like you always do."

"What am I supposed to do if you keep walking away from me when I'm talking to you?" Gray's boots were loud against the floorboards as he passed Ann's door. We saw his shadow. "Seriously, what's going on?" There was silence for a beat. "Kai!" Boots beat against the stairs.

Ann and I shared a confused look and she signaled for me to keep my voice down as she lightly stepped for the door. She pressed her palm to the panel beneath the knob and soundlessly lifted the door to swing back. We were both quick to dart against the wall as we knelt down between the railing, peering into the dining room.

Kai had just approached the counter, giving a snappy order for black coffee to Doug. Gray was at the bottom of the stairs, his hands on his hips. His coveralls were unzipped to his waist, exposing a wrinkled white undershirt. His boots were unlaced. It was clear he had staggered into them to chase after Kai. The two men were quiet, but the tension could be cut with a knife. Even Doug looked between them expectantly as he passed Kai's warm mug of coffee across the bar.

"Alright," Gray sighed, as if he were talking down a terroristic toddler. "What's your problem?"

"Well," Kai licked his lips as he lowered his drink. "It's about time you asked, Gray."

Ann and I could only share a perplexed, somewhat nervous glance at each other, as we went back to watching the scene of the two men and their problems.